and carry on camping. must be the best christmas ever. no, it's not jesus being born again, although it would be fun to have someone new presenting songs of praise. no, it's slightly special because... well, because it's my tenth anniversary in dibley. all: oh. that's not as good as jesus coming back. no. but still very moving. oh, in what way moving, frank? well, here you are a woman. you could have done anything. gone anywhere... and yet, you chose to waste the best 10 years of your life... stuck here with us morons. yes. thanks for that. no--no--no-- but you have given us some great memories to cherish. oh, yes. do you remember that time alice gave birth during the nativity play? how could i forget? you try cutting an umbilical cord during the curtain call! and do you remember the time

you and i made passionate love on the billiard table in the pub? no, jim, that was a dream. well, what about the time you did a pole dance in my living room? alongside mother teresa, who was wearing nothing but a skimpy bikini bottom? you can't say that was a dream. no, jim, that was a nightmare. well, one thing is clear. of course, we must celebrate the vicar's anniversary. geraldine: thank you. so, and i say this with every expectation of disaster, let's have some ideas for the next meeting. owen: fine, i'll see what i can come up with. and now, at last... item one. actually, i've got to go, i'm sorry. well, hang on, you can't just... good god! it's midnight. no, it isn't. it's eight o'clock. your watch must be slow, sir. why, what time do you make it? eight o'clock. my watch must be slow as well. yes, and mine. home after midnight!

alice will be furious! good-bye, father. you don't think i've wasted my life, do you? of course not. i hope not. i am terribly excited to hear about you celebrating your tenth birthday. no, it's my tenth anniversary as vicar. oh right. do you know, i thought hugo got it wrong. i kept saying, you know, "if she's only ten years old, "how come she's got breasts the size of saint paul's cathedral?" you know, standing directly next to saint paul's cathedral? yes, it's funny how things have changed in these ten years, isn't it? mm-hmm. there were hardly any female vicars then. oh, i will never forget the look on david's face

when he first saw me. i know. no, it wasn't quite like that. no, it wasn't, was it? no. it was more sort of... no, no... no, it-- it was sort of... mmm... will you stop it, alice? all right! stop it! otherwise, i'm gonna have to hurt you. okay. it was funny how the battlegrounds have moved. you know, the churches are full of chicks, which is great, and... now we're fighting for the rights of vicars to be openly gay. i know... proudly holding our banner high-- "pack the parishes with poofs." it's not quite the wording i would have chosen. i for one am very much in favor of people coming out of the cupboard. the closet. right. yeah. i mean, what a terrifying idea. you know, you go to collect your coat, first cold day of winter, and standing inside the closet are graham norton, dale winton, and sir ian mckellan. it's so much better they come out of the closet,

where you can see them. it's madness though, isn't it? in my twenties, i don't think i met a church of england vicar who wasn't gay. i thought you had to be gay to get in. and then they go and try to officially appoint just one openly gay bishop and it splits the church! i'm thinking of declaring myself gay as a protest. yeah. huh huh huh. i mean, if-- if you were gay... ha! great minds think alike. yeah, not on this occasion. but just imagine, like, all the men are dead, right? because they've found out that football is poisonous, all right? all right. so you've got a chance, right, to choose a girl. so who would you plump for? lots to choose from. yeah, well... half the world's population, frankly. well, right, yeah. and eddie izard. yeah. on some nights, yeah. let me see, um...gosh. oh, wait a minute. um, who's that girl that presents that sports quiz?

she's blonde, you know. a little bob hair cut. what, sue barker? yeah. oh. definitely not her. this is quite an interesting option, don't you think? oh. rachel hunter, page seven and eight. ( laughs ) and i think there'd be a lot to learn around her curves and crevices, don't you? my god, look at those! i know. and that. yeah. still, i think first, taking everything into account... i'd probably have to go for the queen. you'd like to sleep with the queen? oh, no, not particularly... but, i mean... it'd be so great to slip into conversation, wouldn't it? i mean, you go down the post office, you buy a stamp, you look at it and you say, "i've had her." you know, you could say... "took her a little bit of time to warm up,

but was she worth the wait!" what about you? mmm...i think i'll pass on the queen. really? well, i think i'll plump for rachel, actually. mmm. yeah, and she can have another little rachel, rachel stevens, in her pocket as a reserve. two for the price of one. well, why not? "lez" be greedy. "lez" be naughty. it'll be fanny-tastic. mynge-nificent. yeah, i'm sorry, it's just getting too late now, alice. come on, let's go to bed. i beg your pardon? no, no, no, no-- separate beds, alice. oh, phew! yeah. i thought, for a moment... good lord, no. ( laughs ) no offence, of course. no, no, none taken. all right, good-night, then. good-night. i just...

yes, right. good-night, yeah. item four. celebrating the vicar's anniversary, and i fear we have indeed got some ideas in. yes, jim, i believe you've written to the pope, asking him to make me a saint. that's right. the only problem is the catholic issue. is the pope catholic? yes, that's the problem, and i'm not. you're not? no, jim. none of us are. we're church of england, jim. since when? since 1534. well, you learn something new every day. and owen, your idea is a cocktail party on christmas eve. it certainly is. right. with a stripper.

yes. preferably kirsty young, the presenter of channel 5 news. yes. kinky kirsty kicks arse. yes, well, i'm afraid i'm gonna have to put my foot down there, guys. no stripper. ah, that is a shame, vicar. but i like the idea of the party, so let's give that a big fat yes. well, it's something to be getting on with. well, we could have it in our house. well, um, my house, now. and, father, you could crack open some of that secret supply of fabulously expensive champagne you've been holding back for a special occasion. yes, i was keeping it for alice's funeral, but she's looking depressingly healthy. thank you, hero hortons. and i did have another celebratory ideaette. oh, bravo! you know how we always sing the traditional christmas carols, "o come all ye faithful," "god rest ye merry gentlemen," and "have a wombling merry christmas." yes, although that's not strictly a carol. "the angel gabriel went down." i think that's "came down," frank, sorry. so what's your idea, hugo?

well, i thought we could have a competition in the village to write a new carol for your tenth anniversary. oh, genius! the god-o-vision song contest. let's do it! yes, yes. actually, i--i-- i've already made a start on mine. i could give you a taster now. well, fire away, she said with a glazed smile. it's inspired by the work of artists such as eminem, fatman scoop, and the great nelly. is it? ( imitates beat box ) ( raps ) it's gonna come to pass, yo hear he's gonna save your ass, yo hear his name is jesass, yo hear. so hallelujah! hallelujah! if you's bad, he's gonna screw ya. what do you think? would you like me to continue working on it? no. right. because, why mess with perfection? yeah, that's not really what i meant. and...the rest of you, lyrics in by sunday, please. and the winning entrant will be sung

at midnight mass on christmas eve. and as for the anniversary party, guys, really, just keep it simple, okay? a drink and a few nuts... perhaps we could have some nuts to eat as well. and the stripper's definitely out? i mean, it needn't be kirsty. it could be moira stewart. she's a little more refined. oh, get a grip, owen! not on that. i'm just watching the rugby. absolutely obsessed with this since the world cup. splendid. what's the score? no idea at all. look at johnny wilkinson's thighs. anyway, sorry. how can i help? well, the thing is, i'm going on some dreadful business conference for a couple of weeks. i wanted to get this anniversary thing sorted out so i-- yeah, yeah. yeah, yep. yep, yep, yeah. maybe i'll come back later.

no, no, sorry. gosh, that's so rude. i'm sorry. no, i'll turn it off. absolutely. there we go. i'm not wedded to it. good. what i wanted-- actually, i'll video it, that's what i'll do. there we go. right. right. now, basically, i want to mark these last 10 wonderful years by giving you something special, and i want you to love it. so why don't you just say what you want, and i'll get it. anything. oh, david, thank you so much. oh, i'm a bit embarrassed, really. i don't know how much you're happy to spend. well, it doesn't matter. just say what you want. oh, okay... um, i need a car. well, not that much, obviously. no, no, no, okay. um... what about a wide-screen tv? well, not that much, either. no, no, okay. it's going down all the time. okay, right. um...oh, i know what i want. i've seen this huge illuminated reindeer in mason's. i'd love to put that on the porch over christmas. i know it's frivolous-- yes, it is. i won't get that.

right. i thought you'd want something appropriate, like a leather-bound illustrated bible. well, obviously, a bible would be super-- no, no. not just a bible. a leather-bound, illustrated bible. right. you mean like the ones they're selling in town for £12.50? yes. perfect! excellent! good choice. ten years, eh? mmm. i know i was a tiny bit uncertain when you arrived... you tried to have me sacked repeatedly! yes, well... now i am proud to have a woman vicar. the strangest thing to me... is that you have never been promoted. well, i guess i just never caught the archbishop's eye. probably too shy and petite, aren't i? but imagine if we had met. that magic moment when our eyes locked across a crowded synod, one guilty night of pleasure, and...

whoops-a-daisy dangle, bishop grainger. i was actually at university with our new archbishop. no! oh, he is much older than i thought. yes. we were both at cambridge together. quite good friends, actually-- me and god's ultimate representative on earth. so what's he really like, then? a bit of a nutter, actually. good at heart, good man. yeah, i like him, actually. i think he's got good morals, good beard. what more can you ask of a man? good in bed, i suppose? ( laughter ) you have definitely improved in the last decade. thank you. and you should be at least a bishop by now. still...their loss, our gain. right. off to the bookshop! hurrah, can't wait. so, a leather-bound, illustrated bible, eh. wonder where i'm going to put that.

maybe next to my 23 other leather-bound, illustrated bibles. on my leather-bound, illustrated bible shelf. ( door bell rings ) oh! maybe he's changed his mind and gone for the big telly. oh! johnny's thighs in widescreen,yum. hi. hello. look, i'm sorry to disturb you. no, that's fine, fine. i'm geraldine. hi, rachel. pleased-- yes! i knew it was! hello. hi. hi. um, look, i'm really sorry, but i--i'm going to a wedding in the next village, and i drove down in my jeans, and i'm really late, so i need somewhere to change. yes, i was just thinking, i don't think i've ever seen you in quite so many clothes before. oh...well, then i saw the "vicarage" sign and i--and i thought i might throw myself on the mercy of the church. oh, absolutely, come on in, rachel hunter. thank you. come right in. goodness me. no, my bedroom's right up there, you can change there. thank you. mind your head. do you know what is so weird about this, is that i was talking about you only the other day with my verger.

really? what were you saying? um...oh, we were just saying, uh, how lovely would be to come and see you in one of your fashion shows. you know, walking up and down and turning and stuff. well, i'm sure i can fix it up some time. really? that'd be excellent! great. and can i say as well that i really love those bras and knickers that you model. oh, thank you. yeah. in fact, last time i was in london, i went into selfridges and bought loads of the knickers. oh, great! yeah, they didn't fit. in fact you should tell them to make them in industrial sizes, please. i'll have a word. yeah, yeah. still, they weren't wasted. i used them for flossing. you know, they're very effective, actually. can you see, gleaming? beautiful. ah, you didn't come here for an afternoon of gay banter... no not gay banter, oh shut up, now. go on, go on, up there. that's it. thank you. mind your head there. there you go. ( door bell rings ) who's that? naomi campbell? hi.

hi. good lord, what happened to you? nothing. that's funny, you look all flushed. no, it's absolutely nothing. well a slightly queer turn of events, not queer, not queer, obviously. you know, if you weren't a vicar, if you were a little boy, i'd say you'd been doing something naughty upstairs and you're too scared to tell mummy. yeah, well i'm not, so don't. excuse me, could i borrow the red lipstick on the chest of drawers? yeah, of course. great, thanks joanne. is that right? it's geraldine. sorry. that's okay. hi. this is alice, my verger. hi, alice. geraldine was just telling me how you were talking about me and what you'd like to do. i'd love to. i mean, any time you want to fix it up, it would be great, it would be brilliant. right, i must go up and get changed. nice to meet you.

i know it's been said before, but seriously, i don't believe it! you're having it away with rachel hunter and the big bruiser can't even be bothered to get your name right. oh, do shut up alice. you've got the wrong end of a very, very long stick. so what is she doing upstairs in her bra and panties? if you can call them that. so i take it you're not a thong girl then? no, i am not! the only thong i'm interested in is a thweet little thong, thung by a girl who can't say her etheth. well, whatever. let me reassure you, alice, that there is nothing going on between miss hunter and myself. what do you think i am? stupid? please, don't make me answer that question, alice. whatever. i won't disturb you. you woman of mystery. it's what i love about you. you can never quite get to the bottom of geraldine grainger. though i bet rachel's going to try.

oh get out! go on. coming down. oh, you look lovely. thank you so much. gosh, you're even taller. maybe i'll see you from the catwalk some time. oh, that would be excellent, yes. well, thank you, you've been fantastic. goodbye. bye. everything okay? yeah. brilliant. lovely lady vicar. obviously gay. what? no. no. good conference, father? hopeless. they're all cretins at work. must be a relief to get home. i wouldn't say that. thank you so much for giving us the house. i'll never forget the moment you signed the papers-- i've never seen you cry before. hmm. to express our gratitude, we've made just a few tiny changes. we hope you like them. well, as long as there's nothing too dramatic.

no. aargh! what do you think? i think i've died and gone to hell, and i'm sharing a room with barbara cartland. and do you know, the thing is, alice did all this on her own. she didn't have any professional help. you know, for some bizarre reason, that doesn't surprise me. the look i've gone for is classic late victorian meets my little pony, and i think it really works. where's my stubbs? i had a very valuable original painting by george stubbs just there. well, that really didn't work. we thought it might, 'cause it was a horse, but it wasn't a pink horse. i want it back in this room, now. right. break the news gently. what else has been going on? oh, nothing much. so no more shocks and surprises? none whatsoever. good.

apart from the fact it turns out our vicar is gay. i beg your pardon? oh, she tried to deny it, but you'd have to be an idiot not to add two and two together and get, um... four. four. that's right. gentlemen, i've called you here early to deal with a rather important matter. it transpires that our vicar is, well...gay. i know what an old-fashioned and traditional village we are, and i think i can guess your reaction. good old vicar! best news i've had since they made having sex with animals legal again. they haven't. really? oh, that's not good. so wait a minute, am i to understand that no one is the slightest bit concerned? no--no--no--no--no, we've always had lesbians in this village. mrs. cropley was a lesbian.

before she retired. was she? no jim, she was a librarian. librarian, yes. ( door closes ) here she comes. don't say a word, please. she doesn't know that we know. oh sorry i'm late. hope you haven't gone past item two. there's a couple of arts grants i want to support. so where have you got to so far? sorry. have i interrupted the parish council annual mindless staring competition? um, no. well, we'll go on to item two, then. ah, great. well, there's a couple of young women in the village who'd like a hundred pounds to start a drama club. that seems fair to me. a lesbian drama club would be an interesting development. all those in favor? i'm not quite sure they are lesbians actually, david. oh, aren't they? no, just women. oh, right. right. and they'll do plays about lesbians.

well, they might. i don't know. anyway, the other one is the local women's institute. they want to do a charity calendar that i'm very keen to support. but will all the women be topless, or just some of them? no, it's photos of the church. with the women topless inside it. and you taking the photos. none of the women are going to be topless. so why do you want to give them a grant? okay, i think i smell a theme developing here. lesbians, topless women. hugo, has your wife been gossiping at all? well, i don't know how you can possibly-- yes, yes, she has. well, i would like to say here and now that you do not have a gay vicar. more's the pity. in my experience, gay priests are usually splendid people. quite right, vicar. they know what it's like to experience prejudice, and so they know how important it is to treat people decently. hear, hear. yes. so, can we please carry on.

certainly, if you fancy it. get off, owen! no, but seriously, now you're not gay, i'm willing to have another bash at you. for god's sake owen, stop it! i'd brush my teeth this time. oh! just don't. very well. item three, the new carols. the meeting is set for four on sunday, so turn up then if you want to witness the lowest point in british culture since arthur mullard re-recorded "you're the one that i want." all: ♪ oh oh oh honey. right, owen, you said you'd delight and surprise us. yes, i'm not so sure about the delight bit any longer. right. well, fire away. "jesus was born on christmas day. "hallelujah. hallelujah. "but he never got his end away.

hallelujah." next. so frank, how many verses? a hundred and eight. it's quite a controversial thesis, and it took a little bit of time for me to formulate my peroration. right, well, will you forgive us if we don't hear all the verses? i could drop one or two in the middle. fire away. "praise the lord, but hold on to your hat, jesus christ was born a cat." you say it. next. can i just say, before you start, that all my hopes for this competition, indeed, all my hopes that after ten years, there is one shred of talent and sanity left in this village, are resting entirely upon you.

no--no--no--no-- no--no worries. i was trying to work out which bit of the nativity story was never done. good. then i realized... the actual birth. bad. and so it goes...? "praise the lord, he's coming down the birth canal." "here he comes, weeeeee! heeeheeeheee! "look, the madonna's fully dilated. she shall not need an episiotomy."

i rather like that. oh, i can hardly wait for christmas. in fact, last year i couldn't wait, and we eventually had it on october the 23rd. it's been quite a year, hasn't it? yeah, it has. any regrets? uh... going on wife swap, i suppose. you think that was a mistake? yeah. david was very upset at the end. when you came back. that's right, yeah. oh, what's this? nothing. absolutely nothing. no, don't. "application for the position of deaconess in the diocese of canterbury." yep. are you going for another job? um, no, no, no, david made me fill this out. i won't get it. right. well, you can't really do it anyway, can you, 'cause you've got

a full-time job here. you wouldn't be able to. yeah, i have, that's right. and obviously you'd never leave here, 'cause...well, it would break my heart and i'd die, so you wouldn't do that. right, right. well, that's a useful bit of info there. listen, i've got to go. i've got to start cooking for your party. um, how many sausage rolls do you think you'll eat personally? um, no less than forty-six. see you later. oh, hi, boys. visitors! oh. okay. oh, hi, boys. how can i help? it's about the party. we know how much you love chocolate, so we've decided to make you a great big chocolate feature. oh, how exciting. here's a rough drawing of it. right. okay. it's a chocolate baby jesus. yes, life-size. we'd just like to know if you'd like

some marzipan on him as well. you want me to eat baby jesus? yes, why not? we eat him every sunday, in wafer form. well, yes, but as you're eating him, you're supposed to be thinking, "oh, he died for our sins," not, "hmm, that's delicious and i'm loving that praline center it's a fair point. i'm sorry guys, but he is the son of god. i can't just bite big chunks out of him. well, not even a toe? not even a chubby little choccy jesus finger? oh, well yes, i admit it does look delicious, but no, i mustn't. oh, no--no--no--no, not to worry, we'll move on to plan "b." right, what's plan "b"? call him baby judas. and then eat the little bastard in one sitting. um, no, no. well, then it's on to plan "c," which has to be a surprise. why?

because we haven't thought of it yet. right. any other business, or...? yes, there is one other thing. it's about frank. he says he wants the party to be the best you've ever had and to be an evening of nonstop laughter and fun. ah, splendid. so he's decided not to come. aah. yes, he said he didn't want to spoil things, because he's so dull. oh, lord. poor man. is that all he said? surely he said more than that. well, yes, he did, but we dozed off. i just know that at any party i'm at, i bore everyone rigid. oh, that's nonsense, frank. who's told you that? mr. horton. my father. my mother. both my sisters.

my psychiatrist. you. oh, you don't want to believe anything i say, frank. what about the halloween party? i don't recall you boring anyone there. i didn't. you see? i wasn't there. i've made up my mind, i-- you'll just have to do without me. well, that's a big disappointment, frank. oh, well. because, she said, regretting it already, i was rather hoping you'd make the keynote speech. really? absolutely. i can say with total honesty, frank, that no one gives a speech like you. i really don't know what to say. in that case... i'd love to come. good. good. but you know, i can't think when i've been so honored. i can think of five occasions

when i was almost as honored. after the suez crisis, i-- stop right there, mister! you've got to get home straight away and finish that speech, haven't you? off you go. try to make it shorter than the domesday book. yes. ha, ha, ha. yes. i've got to escape. nothing is ever going to change in this village. i have got to escape. david: good evening, vicar. merry christmas. i think you're in for a very special evening. ah, good. oh, interesting banner. "ten glorious ears." yeah, the "y" fell off. i was hoping you wouldn't notice. shall we go in? well, alice is just bringing the children down. they wanted to say congratulations, but they're only little and "congratulations" is hard to pronounce, so they're going to say, "nice one." oh, here they come. come on, my darlings.

and come. and more are coming. oh, goodness, alice and hugo have been busy, haven't they? now, if you'd care to come through. oh, poor things. ten glorious years! thank you. i am very moved. i can't think of anywhere that i'd rather have wasted my life. and how lovely to be in this... extraordinary room. the stubbs, david, exquisite though it is, and my god, it is lovely, isn't it? well, it looks completely out of place now. told you. attention, attention. let the ceremonies begin. first of all, the vicar has asked frank to say a few words.

( frank clears throat ) i was born here in dibley, on the 12th of august, 1929. and in the light of the present occasion, i thought i would review every single vicar who served here since i was born. oh, no. i did, and of all of them, you, vicar, are quite the best ever. thank you. ( applause ) david: bravo, frank. well done. best speech you've ever made. thank you very much. the vicar asked me to keep it short. oh, i've achieved something at last! and we move on, with a sense of titanic relief,

to not one, but two surprises. owen and jim. vicar, may we present for your delight... not a chocolate jesus... not a chocolate judas... but... as you will see... a chocolate fountain. oh, come to mother! owen: see, you take a marshmallow, and you ... yes, i know what to do owen, get out of the way. aah. hmm, that is very, very good. and you can try the fruit. yes, of course i could try the fruit, jim, if i was a total idiot! i mean, what is the point of fruit where chocolate's concerned? i could just stick my finger in and cut out the go-between, couldn't i.