[compactor sputtering]

- wait--no, no, no! don't, don't, don't! don't--no--no! [screaming] [randy newman ragtime theme] ♪ it's a jungle out there ♪ disorder and confusion everywhere ♪ ♪ no one seems to care ♪ well, i do ♪ hey, who's in charge here?

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- how about a watch? - i already have a watch. - some people have two. - why would i want two? look, if you have one wristwatch you always know what time it is. if you have two, you're never sure. - mr. monk, come on. i have to get you something it's your birthday. - don't remind me. - and not just any birthday, you're 50 years old. that's a milestone. - okay, look, you know, you don't understand. - shh! he's coming. he's coming. - if you buy me something then i have to pretend to like it.

and then i have to remember to thank you and then i have to return it. and it's a nightmare. it's a nightmare. where is everybody? - oh, they're probably in the captain's office. he said it was very important. - where are the cups? - what cups? - all the cups and the paper plates. yesterday there was a big pile here. - i don't know. we're--we're late, come on. - wait... a minute. - uh-oh! - what are you doing? - i knew it. - why'd the captain want to see me, again? - i told you, it's a double homicide in marin county. - you said triple homicide. - i don't think so. - hey, you said triple. all right-- what happened, did somebody get better? natalie...

it's a party isn't it. it's a surprise party. - no, mr. monk, i would never do that. i know how you hate parties. - nice try, teeger. - okay, okay, okay, okay-- mr. monk, okay. it's a surprise party, can't you just play along? - i don't wanna play along. - come on, everybody's chipped in. we've been planning it for weeks. - i can't. i can't do it. i hate birthdays. - what were we thinking? he's the best detective in the world. - uh-uh, i am not giving up, mr. monk. you're officially on notice. i am throwing you a party. - as a matter of fact, you are not. - oh, yes i am-- we're gonna have balloons and cake and dancing. - oh, for the love of god, why? - because, mr. monk, it's your birthday. and whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life.

we're happy you were born. - you're so cruel. - oh, my god! where's the rest of him? - that's all there is. - he's all squished! - his name was bradley foster. he was the maintenance man here. apparently, he fell into the compactor. - i'm gonna send a guy out to check the parking lot for his car. - yeah, i'd look for a compact. [all chuckling] - it's not funny. - hey, did you see what he was wearing? those aren't briefs they're more like boxers. [all laughing] - he was probably still alive when he dropped into the gears. the rotating blades must have ripped his spinal column and shredded his lungs. he must have been screaming and begging for his life the whole way down. - captain, this is paul wellman, the building manager. he found the body. - and when was that mr. wellman? - it was at 8:30. i had noticed that the door was open and that was kind of strange so i, you know, turned on the lights and i came in and that's when i saw the blood sort of-- sort of trickling down.

at first i thought it was an animal that had been trapped. i looked inside and that's when i saw bradley. - what do you think happened? - well the compactor must have jammed. i guess he forgot to turn off the circuit breaker. look, i've been here 15 years and we have never had an accident like this before. - tell him, randy. - it's not an accident until we say it is. - how long did he work here? - five years, give or take. he was a good man. - yeah, excuse me. you said you came in and you turned on the lights? - that's right. - are you sure about that-- about the lights? - yes, sir. i'll never forget it. i turned on the lights and saw the blood. - why are you asking about the lights? - who turned them off? - oh, yeah. - that makes things a whole lot more interesting. let's seal this building. talk to everybody. - mr. wellman, was there anybody else here last night? - well there's a camera in the lobby, and i was just checking the tape. it looks like there was one other guy here. - meckler, richard meckler.

- meckler, got it. - now, he left around midnight but-- i mean, i don't think that means anything 'cause he works late a lot. - what does he do? - ladies and gentlemen, my name is richard meckler. i'm a patent attorney. now, i must hear a thousand bad ideas every year. and believe me, i've met every nut job in california. but when kurt pressman came into my office five months ago with this vacuum, the world's first self-cleaning vacuum cleaner, well i knew i wanted to be a part of it. let's bring kurt up, right now, and he can tell us all about it. kurt pressman ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it. well done, sir. that's it. give it up, people. thank you, buddy. - self-cleaning vacuum. do i wake or do i dream? - i don't know, mr. monk. - last night? uh, i was working late.

got home around 12:30. - yeah. - yeah, 12:30. here use mine. - uh, no thanks, i'm good. did you, uh, see anything unusual last night? were there any strangers in the building? - no, no, sir. - what's all this about? - do you know a bradley foster? - yeah, the janitor. - well he was murdered last night. we found him in the basement. - oh, my god! - consumer currents? you write for them? - indeed. - i bought my motorcycle last year because you guys recommended it. you gave it five stars. - how is it? - it's five stars. i love it. so thank you. - choppers aren't my department. i--i mainly cover household appliances like blenders and vacuum cleaners. but if you're in the market for an energy efficient

three cycle dishwasher with half load option i'm your gal. - hmm. - [laughing] - tk. what's the "t" stand for? - it stands for my first name. - mr. preston, excuse-- i'm sorry to bother you. i just have to know, how does it work? i mean, where does all that dust go? - it's a high voltage electronic filter. it's in the brochure. the dust is disintegrated. - yeah, i didn't get a brochure. i'm here with the police. - police? - yeah, we're here about, um, something else completely unrelated, but i think the work you're doing is historic. a self-cleaning vacuum is right up there with the wheel or windex. - thank you, thank you-- - hold on. where can i get one-- or two? actually, i could take two. - we have a waiting list, and i'll make sure you're on it, mr... - monk. - monk, excuse me. sorry i took so long. - it's all right. - you had the diet, right? - mm-hmm. - i can't tell. is that diet? - oh, mm, diet, definitely.

- diet? great. - thanks. - pretty good turnout, huh? - i told you, partner, you build a better mousetrap. - oh, this is lt. disher, he's with the san francisco police. - yeah, i, uh, i heard the police were here. - yeah. - trina? theresa? - [chuckles] why do you care? - because it'll make it slightly easier for me to track you down. - oh. - don't touch it! - ow! it is a vacuum cleaner. - you're not suppose to touch. - richard? - mr. meckler? - richard? - i can't... - richard! - call 911. he's having a heart attack. - oh, my god. richard! - captain! - step back, step back. - richard! richard! - doctor! get me a doctor. is there a doctor in the house? - richard, richard, richard?

help him! help him--oh, my god!

[ crunching ] ♪ may the best hand win. ♪ [ both grunting ] ooh! that's gotta hurt! [ both grunting ] savagery! [ both grunting ]

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holler! i don't know. [ male announcer ] oscar mayer bacon. the very best cuts naturally hardwood smoked for the best bacon ever. [upbeat music] ♪ - morning. - good morning. - how did you sleep? i was up all night thinking about that poor man, that lawyer. i've never actually seen anyone have a heart attack before. oh, is that the new vacuum? where did you get it? - oh, the, uh, the captain met this reporter from a consumer magazine. she let me borrow it. - uh-huh, and how is it?

- it's spectacular. see there's no dust bag. you don't have to empty it. and if it picks up a coin or something, look... there's a little tray. see, i think i'm in love. - oh, well, i'm sure you two will be very happy. - yeah. - come on, the captain's waiting for us. - okay. - oh, i almost forgot, we just have to stop off at my place. i forgot my cell phone. - excuse me. [cell phone ringing] oh, good. we found your phone. it's in your bag. what are the odds? so where are they? are they at your house? - come on, mr. monk, can't you just come with me? just--just pretend to be surprised. they're your friends. they're waiting for you. they love you. they wanna do something special for you. - i can't--i can't. i can't do it. - why? tell me why? there has to be a reason. - all right, i'll tell you. but you can't tell anyone.

i haven't even told dr. bell. - okay, i promise. my god, what is it? - all right. i was ten years old, and there was this cowboy. - a cowboy? - cowboy hank. - okay. - oh, he was-- he was on tv every week and he was my hero. well, when i turned ten my mother surprised me.

she hired cowboy hank to come to my party. it must have cost her every nickel she had. and, um, he, uh, he brought a rope with him. - a rope? - like a lasso. - oh, my god. what did he do with it? - tricks. a lot of kids from my class were there. cowboy hank was really funny. he did all his tricks and then he left. - he left. - as soon as he was gone, all my friends, my so-called friends, went home. they didn't stay for cake or anything. they didn't care about me. they just wanted to see cowboy hank. - that's it?

everybody left. that's your story? - yeah. - oh, i'm so throwing you a party. - what? - it's gonna be the biggest party of the year. it's gonna be a cotillion. we're gonna dance until dawn. - no, i can't. not after what happened. - oh, mr. monk, that's the stupidest story i ever heard. i'm sorry but that is lame. everybody left? - well it was very traumatic. - it's stupid, i mean, i have worse stories than that. everybody does. wait, why can't you tell dr. bell? - i didn't think he could handle it. - [chuckles] i am so throwing you a party, as god is my witness and i'm going to surprise you too. - whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. you're gonna surprise me? you're not gonna surprise me. - you don't think i'm smart enough? it is so on. i'm throwing you a party, boss. it could be anytime, anywhere.

- so what are we looking for? - i don't know. somebody threw the guy in a trash compactor. there had to be a reason. how long did he live here? - 11 years. - ahh. - i got a mouse pad and a surge protector but no computer. - and i got a toolbox that looks like some tools are missing. somebody's been here. somebody's been eating my porridge. - hey, thanks for coming. uh, where's your boss? oh, he's in the hall. he won't come in. he thinks it's a surprise party. - monk, get in here. thank you for coming. looks like somebody's been here. they took the computer and maybe some tools. - uh-huh. - check that closet while you're over there.

- ah, no, ha-ha. i, uh, i think i'll pass. - you'll pass? - right, you think someone's in there? you think there are 50 people in that closet with balloons and party hats waiting to jump out? - excuse me, do i need to remind both of you that two nights ago the man that lives here got torn apart in a trash compactor? - i bet he was surprised. - i know she's been trying to throw you a party. and, um, she's going to. oh, she's gonna get you. - i'll get you. - but this is a murder victim's place of residence. do you honestly think that she would do it here? - no, no, i don't. and that is precisely why i do. and because i do, i don't. so yes, i do. - natalie, tell him. - there is no party. - why is she smiling then? - because she's a friendly person.

- she winked. come on, she's winking. - teeger, quit winking. look, monk, i-- - she winked again! - i need you to focus. randy, fill him in. - uh, bradley foster, graduated m.i.t. 1982. worked for general electric for ten years. then he just disappeared, fell off the radar. - apparently he started drinking, uh, washing dishes, moving from job to job. he ended up living here pushing a broom. - uh-huh. aha, i knew it. i knew it. confetti. where are they? okay, you can come out wherever you are. - monk, no that's not confetti that's shredded paper. it's what we-- see there's the shredder right there, that's material evidence. let's put it back. thank you.

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- i'm gonna write up the notes later. - we don't come across it very often, thank god. it's extremely toxic and fast-acting. - yeah, we know. we were there. - another murder. coincidence? - i don't believe in coincidence. okay, let's take a step back. we got a janitor who's killed. the only other guy in the building is a lawyer named richard meckler. ten hours later, meckler is poisoned. what do you think, monk? - i don't believe in coincidence either. and i also don't believe in surprise parties. - he has a big birthday tomorrow. - happy birthday. - uh, doc, you said that the, uh, sodium flur-- - fluoroacetate-- - it was, uh, fast-acting. - that's right. once you ingest it, you're dead within ten seconds. - that doesn't make sense. i was right there. i was talking to the guy. i didn't see anything. - neither... did i!

can i just say something? if this is my party, it's the second worse birthday party i've ever had. - what's going on? - the guy that died yesterday was poisoned. - oh. - so we're gonna recreate the crime. - well why call me? am i a suspect? - no. - am i important to the case in some way? - not particularly, no. - oh, so you were just looking for an excuse to see me again. - miss jensen, if that were true, if i brought you down here in the middle of the afternoon just to talk to you and get to know you better, that would be a serious abuse of my authority. - it certainly would. - uh, captain, do you mind? - hey, randy, natalie, this is tk jensen.

she writes for consumer currents magazine. she was at the event last night. i thought she might be able to help. - hello. - hi. uh, what's tk stand for? - mm-- - she's taking the fifth on that. - okay, let's get started, captain. you're going to be richard meckler. so you're standing right here. right there-- natalie, you're his wife. so you're standing right there. - what about me? - you're you. - but i'd rather be meckler. - why? - he has more to do. - randy, you're you. - all right. i am the inventor. i am kurt pressman. i'm sorry, i don't have a part for you. okay. i walk across the room carrying two glasses of soda. i step up-- - that's right, he wasn't sure which one was diet,