captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show."

thanks so much! >> jon: it's in your heart. >> stephen: thank so much, everybody. please! how you guys doing? >> jon: good. >> stephen: how is everybody doing here tonight? everybody feeling okay? ( cheers and applause ) me, too, me, too. been a little but under the weather, spent a lot of time in bed, trying to rest, relax, surfing the internet a lot. i'm a bit of a web-head. i don't want to brag. i like to find the hidden, out-of-the-way corners of the internet, and i stumbled across a gem recently you might enjoy. it's called amazon.com. ( laughter ) it's got everything: books, appliances, and if you just order two aa batteries, it comes packed with 30 sealed bags full of chinese air. that's a cheap high.

voice-activated home assistant gadget called the echo. you guys heard. th? a lot of echo users tonight. you just talk to the echo, and it tells you the weather or sports scores or controls the lighting or climate in your house. now, the echo is always listening, but it only activates when you say its name, alexa. it's a pretty name, much prettier than the earlier name, the privacy-destroyer spy-mic 5000. ( laughter ) so, cool. like, on the surface, that's a cool thing to have. but here's what happened. last weekend, n.p.r. was doing a story about the echo, and the reporter kept on saying how alexa could turn on the thermostat or alexa could give a news summary. so people who had an echo at home, their alexa started

giving a news summary. apparently the echo doesn't care who's talking just as long as you say it's name. and i'm assuming i have a few an amazon echo. alexa, set reminder to watch "the late show with stephen 11:35 p.m. on cbs. forever. ( cheers and applause ) alexa, order me the earthquake 1427 wood chipper with 212-c.c., 4-cycle viper engine. i will pay for expidited shipping. alexa, read me pi to the five don't stop, even if i tell you to. ( laughter ) alexa, turn down the lights, playing "let's get it on" by marvin gaye. then, alexa, in nine months, order diapers. ( laughter ) see if any of that works? >> see if any of that works.

great show tonight. first, from "the divergent series: allegiant," i'll be joined by the strapping young theo james, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) then, from "empire," jussie smollett is here. ( cheers and applause ) then we'll hear a musical performance for dogs by laurie anderson. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) come on. i love that sound. that's our friend jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) they are about to kick this show off, but before they do, one more thing. after breaking up a fight in new york and saving a woman from getting hit by a taxi just this past week, ryan gosling saved a dog who was running loose through traffic. it's all part of his effort to

>> tonight, stephen welcomes theo james. jussie smollett. and a musical performance by laurie anderson. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! how are you? doing all right over there? thank you so much. thank you for your energy, ladies and gentlemen. i will take it tonight. because i'm tell you, as we were

and you can tell because i sound much, much worse. oh, that is good! mmm! my water burns a little. ( laughter ) now, i actually went to the doctor at the beginning of this week. this is meredith, one of my producers, everybody. say hi to meredith. ( cheers and applause ) y went to my doctor on monday, and he actually looked me over and i said, "what is going on here?" and he actually said-- he checked my vitals, and he said there's nothing actually wrong with me. and i said, what, does that mean?" and he said, "i've checked. you don't have a fever. nothing wrong with your nose up here. nothing wrong with your throat. nothing wrong with your lungs. this is just what you're like now." >> it hasn't been identified yet. >> stephen: that's true, that's true. maybe i've got something new and exciting. >> and it can maybe be named after you. >> stephen: oh, yeah. that would be fun. ( laughter ) some people get a street.

that's a happy thought. people who watch this show know that i am a big fan of "the bachelor." we talk about it all the time. >> "the bachelor" relaxes me like no other show. >> stephen: it does. >> just all thoughts go out of my head completely when i watch it. >> stephen: i like watching "the bachelorette" too. i liked the grease ed-up men they bring in. i want to see those guys. >> i like "the bachelor," because i like sort of in the middle of the season when it's about, maybe, like 10 girls, and then-- they're all uniting to try to get this one bad seed out, like the kind of girl that will fake head trauma just to get, like, five minutes of alone time. i feel like her name's alexa, too. >> stephen: alexa would be a great name. how do you feel-- we talked

we didn't get a chance to talk. how do you feel about the choice ben made to go with lauren >> great. they were both good choices. >> stephen: i was on team lauren from the beginning. you would be happy-- you would want to wish them happiness? >> yeah. >> stephen: well, you can. they're right here in the audience right now, there's ben and lauren right there from "the bachelor." congratulations. >> thank you! >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you, stephen. all the happiness. very nice, very nice. see, love is real. you saw it on tv. of course, the reality show everyone's talking about is the presidential election. big round of primaries last night. five states voted, so people were calling it "super tuesday part three," and like all sequels, it's getting predictable, and very expensive. on the democratic side hillary shut out bernie, five to zip, including florida.

betrayed by the people he most resembles. ( laughter ) ( applause ) meaning, meanwhile, over on the interesting side, donald trump had a huge night. the size of the hugeness, large. he won four out of five states, and then delivered a stirring victory tantrum. >> nobody has ever, ever in the history of politics, received the kind of negative advertising that i have. and you explain it to me because i can't. my numbers went up. i don't understand it. nobody understands it. >> stephen: for once, we agree with you. ( cheers and applause ) what's happening! what's happening! it might have something to do

donald's getting. for instance, former candidate and man always looking directly into the sun, ben carson, who told this inspiring tale of how he came to he came to support trump. >> i have to look at what is practical. i didn't see a path for kasich-- who i like-- or for rubio-- who i like. is there another scenario that i would have preferred? yes, but that scenario isn't available. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that is a rough endorsement. "i'll tell you what, the bar's about to close. you're not get anything younger, and neither am i. let's get married." and carson wasn't the only one supporting donald trump. >> the way i look at it, even if donald trump turns out not to be such a great president, we're only looking at four years. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah. yeah. i mean, how much can go wrong in

world war ii just flew by. ( laughter ) but as inevitable as trump may seem now, there was one key state he didn't win, ohio, which went to its governor, john kasich. it was the first and only win, for the governor, after which kasich mad a pretty bold claim. >> i'm going to tell you something. we are going to go all the way to cleveland and secure the republican nomination. >> stephen: governor, here's a riddle: what's round at both ends and has got to be high in the middle? because to secure the nomination at the convention in cleveland, this summer, kasich would have to get 116% of the remaining delegates. we'd have to make him governor of every remaining state, plus some states we don't even have yet. he's looking very good in north kentucksylvania and massachippissippi.

massachippissippi. we are so proud of our craw dads and our chowder. massachippissippi will rise again. forget the odds. last night, kasich was the man of the hour, standing tall at his victory rally. there he is, the only one who can possibly stop donald trump. the governor-- and he's gone. and he's gone. so with kasich swallowed in a storm of confetti, there's only one candidate left who can stop donald trump. and his name is ted cruz. oooh! oooh!

( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) because here's the deal, mathematically cruz is the only guy remaining who can beat donald trump, and he's got a message for every other republican. >> i would invite you to join us to come together. we welcome you with open arms. come join us. we welcome you with open arms. we would welcome you to our team. we would welcome you with open arms. we welcome you to our teams. we welcome you with welcome and opening arms. >> stephen: yes, come. yes, come, don't resist, children. i welcome you with open arms. shhh! here, have some butterscotch. i'm your father now.

( applause ) and if ted cruz is right, if every single anti-trump voter unites behind him, he could get. enough delegates to be the nominee. then the g.o.p. establishment can say, goodbye, candidate we don't like. hello, candidate we can't stand. ( laughter ) but if cruz can't do it, there is one other way to deny trump the nomination: a brokered convention. you see, when a candidate wins a primary, he wins delegates who are committed to him at the party convention, but only for the first ballot. so if donald trump doesn't get 1,237 delegates in the first round of voting, they're all free it on vote for whoever. great news. the republican campaign could start all over again-- only this time crammed into a week. so you can binge watch the death of the g.o.p. ( cheers and applause ) , of course,--

convention. they have a much nicer name. >> from an r.n.c. perspective, we're going to continue to prepare for all contingencies, including an open convention. >> i think it's an open convention. >> we could have an open convention. >> stephen: i'm sorry, not brokered, open. just like, "honey, we don't have a broken marriage. we have an open marriage. ( cheers and applause ) and i know we never discussed it, but it'll spice things up to bring in an outsider. and i think we'll end up trusting each other even more. stronger. stronger. we'll be right back with theo james. alright, what do you think boys? we could do tacos. we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh? (dog yawns) no, we're not having barbecue... again. (dog groans)

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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight plays four in the wildly popular "divergent" series. starting this friday, you can see him in the third film "allegiant." please welcome theo james. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks for coming

>> stephen: i really enjoy these movies. my wife and kids we go see the movies. the one thing i want to ask you is you guys do a lot of action. do you do your own stunts and that kind of stuff? >> i do, yes. mainly my character did does a lot of head-butting people so that's pretty simple. >> stephen: you know what surprised me? your british accent surprised me. you're really good at having an american accent. >> thank you. >> stephen: that threw me for a second. you suddenly got a tiny bit sexier. you know for americans the english accent is sexy. we think that's sexy. >> yes. >> stephen: are we alone in that? >> i don't know. it's funny. my brother went to college here for a year and i remember he came back and he was like, "it's like cipt night." the opposite of kryptonite. kryptonite will kill you. >> stephen: it's sex tonight. >> yeah, i've never found it to be -- >> helpful? >> no, not particularly. >> stephen: maybe you don't need it because you already have a raw masculinity that i

in fact, i was told that industry insiders are calling you the next brad pitt. first of all, two questions-- one, does brad know? two, who are these industry insiders who are saying this about you? >> one is my mother. >> stephen: oh, oh, that's good. mom's got to do that for you. >> exactly. i think i would be the greek brad pitt. like brad dopolopus. not quite as sexy. >> stephen: your parents, were they all for you being an actor because it's kind of an unstable thing to be? >> yeah, they were. i went into-- you know, i trained at a drama school and before i did that, after i finished university i said i was going to be a musician. and my parents were like, "how are you going to be a musician?" and i said, "i'll find out." i actually had no plan. acting at university? >> no, so i studied something else at university and i went on to do -- >> what did you study? >> philosophy. >> stephen: oh, so acting is far more stable. >> yeah you.

philosophy shop. "come on in. i'll explain things to you." >> exactly. >> stephen: i like the idea of a philosopher and then becoming an actor. that's really good because you're always questioning the human condition as an actor. it seems like kind of a natural extension. >> i think there is some of that and it makes you generally a little bit more reflective, and information that comes your way-- i mean, it makes you a little bit more cynical but you can digest it in a more broadway and i think that is useful for an actor. as you said, that is kind of what we have to do. >> stephen: right, and sometimes you also need to shoot people and blow things up. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: which happens in this movie. now, you play four. >> yes. >> stephen: four. >> exactly. >> >> stephen: that's an odd name for you. i think some of the ladies out there might think you're a 10. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so four is in love with tris. >> he is, yes. i don't know why i said it like that, either-- "he is, yes." >> stephen: you were in

but she's actually doing-- she's actually doing big action. you're kind of like the secondary action star. >> yeah, exactly. feel? you know, you're say you're from sort of a macho family. >> i'm carrying a bag and stuff in the background. >> stephen: and carrying her at times. >> and carrying her, yes. >> stephen: we have a clip here where it ends up you carry

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: do you do that stuff lycra pel off the walls and climb up the walls and that kind of stuff? >> we did all that. >> stephen: do you like it? >> yeah, definitely. you sit around so much as an actor in trailers waiting. it's nice to kind of do stuff. >> stephen: how much of this is like you in a jant green room talking passionately to ping-pong balls glued to a stick? fair amount of that? >> a lot of that. >> stephen: "i love you ping-pong balls glued to a stick!" >> tears in my eyes and in this one there is more of that. you have to trust yourself pause really stupid. >> stephen: it takes place in >> right. >> stephen: and you have different factions there. but the funny thing to me is i lived in chicago a long time and nobody had chicago accent in the whole entire thing. you would be going, "i'll tell

you gotta save all of us, right?" >> that's a good accent. >> stephen: have you tried a chicago accent at all? >> all i can say is chicago! >> stephen: will you're done. you're done. you're so cool. ( applause ) you say you didn't train as an actor in undergraduate. it was philosophy. did you train afterwards? >> yeah i went to a -- >> a fancy one. did they make you do the trust circles and that kind of thing? >> they made us do some horrendous stuff, some stuff i still have not recovered from. they made us-- so many weird exercises. there was one where they made us sit down in a big circle and it was the second day and we didn't know each other and it was called the circle of love and you had to turn to the person next to you and tell them four things about you that you loved. and being a bunch of actors, most of them were really serious with tears in their eyes and

really need to vomit." ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, we're sitting next to each us right now, theo. an acting exercise, i'll say something i love about you, and you say something you love about me, okay? ( laughter ) ( laughter ) your accent feels like a warm blanket. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> um... your salt and pepper hair feels smooth like the ocean. ( cheers and applause ) i haven't felt it yet. i kind of copied yours. >> stephen: that's good. that was good. we can stop there. we can stop there. >> i have more. >> stephen: we'll throw the cameras off and keep going for a while. >> "the divergent series: allegiant" is in theaters this friday. theo james, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) "the divergent series:

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everybody. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ed actor and singer who stars had in "empire" on fox. >> it's not even noon. you're already drinking? slow down on that. >> you want one? >> no. what's wrong? >> would you be mad if i ran for c.e.o.? >> first you vote cod dad out. now you want to take his job? that's a little messy, don't you think? >> i thought of all he's done to me in my life. he deserves worse. >> stephen: please welcome jussie smollett.

hey! >> stephen: thanks for saying hi to band. jon. other? >> we did the c.r. fashion bruce weber. >> stephen: i'm not surprised. jon is very fashionable. >> he really is. >> stephen: things are going congratulations. >> so far, so good. >> stephen: a hit tv show, playing jamal lyons on "empire." you just got your first record deal with columbia. you write songs. how many of their songs have been on "empire." >> four the first season, eight this season. congratulations. >> give me that publishing money! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and, and if you ever need any support, you've got a big family behind you. >> a huge family. >> stephen: now what, do you guys call yourselves? >> the smolletts. but the nickname is small nation. >> stephen: i've got a picture here from a show you guys all did together. >> oh, no.

this is you and your brothers and sisters. >> that is 1995. >> stephen: 1995. it was called "on our own." was it a tv show on abc? >> tgif. >> stephen: and these are your sublings. jussie, jazz, jojo, journey, jake, and jockey. >> and that's the great comedian ralph lewis harris in the middle. >> stephen: playing aunt jalcinda. do all you guys perform? business? >> most of us. and my older brother runaise nonprofit. and my younger brother helps run a tech company. >> stephen: there are a lot of people to have your back. >> absolutely. >> stephen: which must be >> absolutely. >> stephen: how would you compare your family, the small nation, to the lyons? who could take who in a fight? lyons. >> all right, this is tricky, but let me explain this. we would beat the lyons' ass, and i'll tell you why.

they watch this show every night. really? i'll tell you why? other's throats. we have a unified situation. and, yes, liewshuous would possibly pull out a gun and shoot you in the ibut that's not pownt. my older brother has arms the size of two of my thighs. so, i mean, i think we would be all right. ass down. >> stephen: really? >> absolutely, absolutely. >> stephen: wow, wow. does he know? >> i think-- jamal, yeah, you know? yeah, he knows. he knows. >> stephen: so how did this come about? how does everybody end up in the same sitcom together? >> you know, there started being rumblings because journey was on a little show named "full house." and she played michelle's best friend. they were seeing us around, and my mom was taking us all around, and she was like, "i can't do this anymore. either it has to be all together or not." and the next thing we know we're

i mean, like, all of these old-ass white men and -- >> i've been in that meeting. >> i'm sure you have. >> stephen: i'm one of them. ( laughter ) >> you're off-white steve glen i'm off-white? >> you're mother of pearl. >> stephen: thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. it's an honor. >> so we went in, and my mother is a serious, serious activist, you know, unity for all. >> stephen: oh, yeah, serious, very strong-- >> i don't know why we went in and we sang "shut them down" by public enemy. >> stephen: for your audition. >> yes. >> stephen: for these old white men. >> but, yothey loved it. so, apparently, theymented to shut it down, too, because we got our-- we got our holding deal with abc. then we got our tv show. and i guess they didn't like it no more because they canceled us. >> stephen: they did. >> and that's that. >> stephen: they shut you down.

"oh, you want to shut us down? we're going to shut you down." >> stephen: your mom supported black panthers and you grew up have an activist sort of attitude? do you feel responsibility in your position of being a public figure to speak out on political issues? >> absolutely. i feel more than anything a responsibility as a citizen of this nation and a human being of world. you know, it's so important. ( cheers and applause ) it's important, you know. together. and it's-- it's time, if we would all pull together, we probably wouldn't have the reality show of a presidential campaign that we have right now. >> stephen: yeah, but i-- ( applause ). >> stephen: you're probably right, probably right. i'm not sure what i'd be talking about every night. but-- ( laughter ). >> yeah, it's really good for comedians. >> stephen: it really is. it really is. isn't that sad? isn't that sad? >> you know what? every single, you know, political campaign is good for comedians because it's just ridiculous when you think about

but this is on another level. >> stephen: this is the fifth presidential campaign i've been doing jokes about, and each one you think, it's not going to get crazier than this. then woo-woo! train to crazy town. >> that's when the political campaigns have gone from the real world to "real housewives." i love you cynthia. >> stephen: don't you say anything bad about "the bachelor." >> where are they? good, y'all. ( applause ). >> stephen: well, congratulations. "empire," season 2, march 30. jussie smollett, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ow! [ music playing ] yeah, we rocking right now. steppin' in a rhythm to a funky flow. who needs to think when your feet just go? i gotcha, i gotcha, i gotcha, i gotcha! who needs to think when your feet just go? wooo! hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's

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everybody. like a lot of people i wanted to be an astronaut every since i was a little kid so i was pretty excited recently when nasa announced we're going to be sending people to mars whie 2030. ( cheers and applause ) but then i found out they're going to mars involves some pretty rough conditions-- cramped pods, horrible food, and the chance you may not come back alive. cruise. nasa announced they just started the selection process but we might be getting closer to figuring out the perfect

mission because i just read-- and this is true-- early risers could be banned from traveling to mars, because apparently the martian day is 37 minutes longer than the earth day so people who wake up earlier will have a harder time adjusting than eye night owl. if you're a young, eager, go-getter, nasa does not want you. and, frankly, the rest of us are a little sick of you, too. ( laughter ) that's not the only requirement. nasa also says that they want mars colonists who eat meat and aren't gluten-intolerant or lactose-intolerant. this is important because if colonists discover life on mars, we don't want them to do something stupid like not eat it. so we're starting to get a picture of the kind of late-sleeping, meat-eating colonist nasa wants to send to mars, and i'm proud to say we are joined by one of the top candidates for the mars mission. please welcome astronaut bon

donnie. thanks for being here, donnie. please, have a seat. ( cheers and applause ) thanks for taking the time to be here, donnie. >> hold on one second. ( laughter ). >> stephen: all right, yeah, that's nice. that's a nice tool you have there. >> thank you for having me, stephen. i'm just glad i was able to wake up. ( laughter ). >> stephen: it's almost midnight, donnie. >> yeah, not on mars, kemosabe. >> stephen: you say you're one of nasa's top picks to go to mars. why you, donnie? >> well, i've been training hard, stephen. i've been training ever since i got fired at the food truck. they should have put that sign that says, "wash your hands," where people could see it! >> stephen: so, donnie, is the training hard for the mission? >> i'm not going to lie, stephen. i mean, you gotta really want it. it's hard work. i wake up between 9:00 and 11 p.m. i watch "bones," then i order a little hut-- meat lovers,

then i pet the dog, invite the dog on to the couch, then fight the dog for the hut. ( laughter ) and them, before you know it, i'm back to training in bed, sleeping like a little baby. >> stephen: what about the the psychological isolation? what about the effects of being alone? are you used to being alone? >> i'm going to be honest with you, stephen, i've been alone since i messed things up with kristine. total isolation. i mean, she shove put the sign that says, "wash your hands," where you could see it! >> stephen: i can tell you're upset, don't. >> no, no, no. it's better. she always wanted to do it in the morning, and i was like, "i'm on mars time, baby." >> stephen: do you miss her? >> have you ever seen "total recall?" >> stephen: yeah, i've seen that movie. >> they've got ones up there with three, stephen. uno, dos, tres. >> stephen: what was that, uno what. >> uno, dos, tres.

on mars. >> they've got ladies up there with the tic, tack, toe. akunaspp mutata. >> stephen: it's a wonderful word, it's a wonderful word. you know that's just a movie, right? >> stephen, they couldn't make a movie out of it if it wasn't real. don't you know anything about movies. ( beeping ). >> stephen: what's that sound? >> that's my meat beeper. all right, i've got to get back to training. ( laughter ) do you want a steak tenderloin? i've got one of these in here. leave the little part for your kids! >> stephen: i'm good, donnie. i'm good. thank you very much. well, it was an honor to meet a real astronaut, donnie. thank you for being here. ( laughter ) donnie barnett, everybody. ( cheers and applause )

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>> stephen: welcome back,

my next guest is a world-famous artist, musician, and filmmaker. she's here to talk about her latest project "heart of a dog." please welcome laurie anderson. ( applause ). >> thank you. >> stephen: lovely to meet you. thank you so much for being here. >> good to be here. >> stephen: some people may know you as being like-- what people call a quintessential performance artist. but you don't like that term. what do you like to call yourself? >> i try to avoid titles, you know. but multimedia. >> stephen: multimedia. i'll take that. >> but that's meaningless, you know. everybody is multimedia arts, pretty much, no? >> stephen: you tell me. you're the multimedia artist. many of the ways you transformed your instrument. you played the violin. >> yes. >> stephen: and you transformed it in many ways. this is one of the transformations you had. this was from 1979, i believe, graph. what are you doing to this violin here? >> well, that's a turntable

needle is in the bow so you play it. it sounds pretty terrible. >> stephen: that's a great review you're giving yourself there. ( laughter ) this one, people will also, very famous for your tape bow i have lip. there is the actual reading head of the tape is actually on the violin. and the bow is what? >> the bow is a piece of audio tape, back and forth. and when i tried to convince orchestras to play it they were like, no, no, no. i said this really is hard. just give it a shot. so some played with it. >> stephen: why did you want to transform your instrument that much? >> just for fun. >> stephen: now you're doing something that's really fun. you're doing music for dogs. >> yeah. >> stephen: why-- why-- >> it's super -- >> what does it mean, "music for dogs? >> well, it's a different thing each time. and i started out doing it because i was giving a speech,

it was super boring and i'm wearing that, you know, mortar board thing. it was supposed to be a commencement speech and i was feeling really guilty because i was supposed to tell all of these artists-- don't worry about your student loan. you're anything to wipe that out right away. and the cellist yoyo mawas there. and because it was going on and on for hours, i said i have this fantasy when i'm doing a concert, i look out and the whole audience is dogs. ( laughter ) and he said, "i have that fantasy too?" i said, "really? another whoever get to do it first ipviets the other one." so actually, i invited him to come tonight but he was busy. he's busier than i am. ( laughter ) so he-- anyway, i was invited to direct a big festival in sydney, australia, and i got to invite all my favorite artists and film makers and writers and i said to

like to do a concert for dogs." he department say, "concert for dogs? he just writes down, "concert for dogs." so we did this show, and we thought a few hundred dogs would show up. thousands of dogs showed up, thousands of dogs. >> stephen: by themselves or with-- >> all by themselves. actually, it was a wonderful show because they were really primed to like it because the people were saying for a whole week, "we're going to a show, and you're going to love it! "so they were like ready, you know. >> stephen: you have also done a film, also called "heart of a dog," correct? >> yes. >> stephen: you have awe little fantasy. you think about what dogs sound like. we have a little clip right here. jim. >> some trainers say that in order to understand your breerkd you have to imagine what their voices would sound like. and what they'd say to you when you give them a command. so give a command to a german shepard, and he'd say, "right, boss. no problem.

give a command to a peeled and it's, "please love me. i'll do anything if you just love me." but give a command to a terrier, and they say, "um, is it going to be fun, because if it's not going to be fun, i'm just not interested." ( laughter ). >> stephen: are you a terrier? >> that's where i got it from, yes. ( applause ). >> stephen: >> stephen: is there a tune particularly for the dogs, played in a way that we can't? >> i don't know. no. >> stephen: no, no? >> i'm not sure. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, i'd still like to hear it. would you play something for us? >> yes, i would love to. >> stephen: jim, cross-fade. and now here with a special song for dogs. ladies and gentlemen, and

( applause ) >> stephen: that was beautiful, laurie, thank you so much. "heart of a dog" will air april 25 on hbo. laurie alnderson, everybody.

late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be william h. macy, fashion designer isaac mizrahi. stick around.