i wonder why i didn't do more. i should have done something different. so i'll live with that, forever. forever and ever it will haunt me. >> high school sweethearts, with a growing family. then it all went up in flames. >> there's a fire. and my wife is --

>> i believed somehow it wasn't true. >> none of it made sense to me. >> but buried in the ashes secrets. >> i don't care what you think you're seeing. you are dealing with a murder. >> the gun. how did it end up completely underneath her body? >> in the front driver's seat was what appeared to be a note. >> she had rekindled a relationship with one of the executives. >> did someone have something to hide? >> did you murder her? >> no. >> did you pull the trigger? >> no. >> did you kill her? >> no. >> it was like a script. he had answers for everything. >> your head's spinning. you're. >> you realize this is it.

you've done in this case. here in the middle of america. kingman, kansas, population 3,000, was asleep. except on a quiet residential street a woman unable to sleep watched a crime show on tv. was that popping noise she heard coming from somewhere in the neighborhood or was it her tv show? or just a remnant of the windy day licking around her windowsill? the silent night closed in again, april 30, 2011, tornado season. oh, and there was a storm that night. the whirlwind even then sweeping all of them into its vortex. but it began not with wind, with fire. >> 911. do you have an emergency? >> yes. >> what's the problem? calm down.

phone to 911 was frantic, out of breath. >> my wife is -- >> here is the actual video of kingman's one officer on duty that night running to his police car and speeding to the burning house where he met the 911 caller outside. you can hear them both recorded by his patrol car's dashboard video camera. >> where are you at? >> the man said his wife was still in the master bedroom in floor. and if that was true, didn't look good for her. a passerby caught this video on his cell phone. >> by then the volunteer fire brigade was arriving. not much any of them could do for the woman inside. as the man calmed down a little, he told the officer he was able only to rescue his 2 and 4-year-old sons, carry them to safety. so somewhere in there his wife, their mother, was dead. there was more to his story as you'll hear. much more.

of sorting out what happened. so where to begin? the man on the street said his wife's name was vasthi, vasthi seacat. >> it was out of the bible, there was a queen vashti. my dad thought the name was neat so they named her vashti. >> her sister, kathleen, lived three hours away. neither she nor her brother rich could believe what they heard that dark morning. >> the first thing i did was call the kingman county sheriff's department just to verify. >> did they help you? did they tell you anything? >> first they asked who i was and i explained my relationship to vashti. and he said yeah, there's been a fire and we believe she's deceased. >> and the man standing outside his burning house, that was vashti's husband, brett seacat,

>> they met in high school. she did some stats for a team and he was a wrestler. first little love in high school. first boyfriend, girlfriend. >> they broke up and got back together a few times as people do until they finally married in 2004. >> that first love always holds a special place in your life. >> but by dawn on the 30th of april, 2011, though as you'll hear brett certainly knew what to do in a crisis, there was nothing he or anyone could do to get it back. the life he had with vashti and their two boys, now motherless boys, brandon born in fall of 2006, bronson less than two years later. >> when they had their babies, it was a very happy time. my sister was mother of the year award goes to her. >> at 4:00 in the morning, she would get up and hand make baby food. >> wow. >> so her kids could have organic, healthy food. >> she lived for those babies.

>> she was the first to help someone at the boys' daycare. a little boy had -- it was cancer, leukemia, something, and she stayed up and baked mini loaves of banana breads and sold those to raise money for that boy to have treatment. >> what was brett like as a dad? the kids. i will tell you, he did walks with them. he would play outside with them. he was very engaged as a dad. he was very proud of his sons. >> brett was a law man from a family of lawmen. a former sheriff's deputy and for the last few years, he had been teaching officer recruits of all types at the kansas law enforcement training center where bobby seacat, one of his brothers, worked before him. >> he was actually hired to replace me when i left there. >> so what was the job, teaching what? >> brett got into the accident investigation and collision investigation, but he was much more into physical training and

>> had more interest in that kind of thing? >> he did. >> personal combat type of thing? >> he did. growing up. he got into martial arts. he was into wrestling in high school. and then got into bodybuilding, martial arts things. he was a lot bigger than i was. >> the training center job gave brett a set schedule with regular hours, which was a welcome change from being a deputy sheriff, especially with the two boys clamoring for his attention at home. >> he was close to the boys but he was very masculine with the it was raise them as boys. they were tough, they wrestled a lot. he would wrestle with them. on to the couch and they'd bounce off the couch and run right back to be tossed again. >> a terrible thing to happen to such a beautiful young family. even if the fire was all you heard about it. but now brett seacat headed to the local law enforcement center

and there he repeated to fellow law enforcement officers something he had said on the 911 call. that the fire was not what killed vashti seacat. >> so what did happen to vashti? a surprising piece of evidence is right there in the bedroom. >> she was lying on her left side like she was under the covers asleep. the firearm was actually under

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the sun rose over grief and chaos that last morning of april 2011. in little kingman, kansas. vashti seacat was dead, her house burned around her and a husband and two little boys were just beginning to understand what had happened to them. the can't believe it stage, just like her siblings, kathleen and rich. >> like i believed somehow it

you plea with god or you just want a miracle to happen. >> no miracles to be had. that might have been the end of it really, an awful tragedy, but these things do happen and for all but loved ones are soon forgotten by the rest of the world. except those volunteer firemen weren't quite sure what they were dealing with. so they took the prudent step and called in the fire marshall, the atf, the bureau of alcohol, tobacco and firearms. >> we get a lot more training and exposure to the scientific side of things. >> that morning, atf agent doug monty showed up to have a look around. >> if you look at it from the front of the house, all you really noticed was the fact that part of the roof had collapsed as you made your way around back, there was very, very heavy fire damage to include collapse of the second and third floor, which is significant. >> really the front facade was up and the rest was badly

>> it wasn't down, anybody going by could tell a significant fire had occurred inside on the second and third floors. >> you heard there was a body inside. did you hear anything else about it? >> normally when i arrive at a scene like that, i'll arrive with the on-scene investigators, the fire chief, local officers and they had informed me that, as the first arriving officer got there, he made contact with brett seacat and he indicated that his wife was inside. >> they also told him that when the first responders arrived, the windows in the master bedroom were still intact, which would have tamped down the fire inside the room where vashti was last seen. that meant there was some chance at least that some evidence would still exist in there. wouldn't be completely incinerated by the flames. sure enough, when monty got inside what was left of the house, he saw the body of vashti seacat lying on the mattress of the master bedroom on the second floor.

side, her knees were slightly drawn up. it appeared that her elbows were bent. there was still a significant amount of blanket or covering on her like she was under the covers asleep. >> also there, a weapon. >> the firearm was actually under her left hip, which would have been against the mattress with the barrel facing downward. >> it became clear the gun had been the source of a single gunshot wound to the side of her lower skull. there were other wounds, too. oddly enough, you can hear gunshots going off during the fire in that cell phone video shot by a passerby. had to be, agent monty said, when the hot fire exploded the remaining bullets in the gun, sending bullets into vashti's body. and something else that courtesy of those unblown windows, didn't burn up completely.

container very close to her back on the mattress itself. >> plastic container for what? >> it was a gas can. >> clearly a gas can? >> yes. >> so what did that tell you? >> our job that day was to determine the origin and cause of the fire and to classify it, whether it was accidental, whether we couldn't determine a cause or whether it was incendiary or someone intentionally set the fire. >> that certainly would make a suggestion, wouldn't it? gas can on the bed. >> that would be an indicator, yes, sir. >> suspicious? oh, yes. but maybe not what you're thinking. maybe not murder. in fact, the answer to what happened to vashti seacat was right there in her husband's panicky call to 911. >> she shot herself but she's in the fire. >> but why would a mother of two little boys kill herself? that was a story only her widower, brett seacat, would tell. >> she wanted to make everybody happy.

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fire is a terrible thing to happen to a family. but fire was only half of the deadly event that ruptured the seacat family of kingman, this was a fire and a shooting. apparently, both the suicidal work of vashti seacat. and because it occurred in a small, rural county, it triggered a call to the kbi. the statewide kansas bureau of investigation, whose special agent dave poletti welcomed the chance to hear directly what happened from brett seacat himself.

enforcement himself and understood that the agent needed to hear the whole story, warts and all. >> we interviewed him for approximately 7 1/2 hours. just two cops talking to each other. >> seemed to be forthcoming? >> very forthcoming. >> i just want to talk about what happened. i know this has been a terrible time for you. >> the agent was about to discover that brett was dealing not just with grief but with a heavy burden of guilt, though it took a while to get to that part of the story. >> usually when we interview people, i want them to start at the very beginning, and we did. >> brett told them the story of how he met vashti in high school and how he was smitten from the very first moment. >> she was great. she wanted to make everybody happy. she really worked on that. she really cared what people thought about her.

>> maybe that's why in recent years she was paying way too much attention to her job, even when she was home. >> she was dedicated to her job and i always thought that that took away from her time with the kids because the kids and i may be playing in the living room and she'd be in the office working. >> what making matters worse, said brett, was vashti was depressed, had been for a long time. something almost no one else knew. >> he had informed us that vashti was basically two vashtis. one face for her family and the public and a different person at home. >> so that brett knew and nobody >> right. >> she would get depressed over something. but she would never talk to anybody about being depressed because she was -- she was always worried about how people would view her. and even as her boyfriend, as her husband, the only reason i ever even got exposed to it is because i was the guy that spent

>> things got so bad, brett said, her depression was affecting their marriage. they started seeing a therapist. he also told investigators that to help her lose weight, vashti took a hormonal supplement, hcg, which has been linked to depression. and he remembered something that now came back to haunt him, he told them. that one night he and vashti were watching a drama on tv, during which -- >> someone had committed suicide with a firearm and she had asked him if that gun would be a good gun to do that with. and he said yeah, i've got one of those, but the dirty harry gun, which he indicated was the .44 ruger magnum that they had, would be a better tool to do that with. >> so he looked back on it then my gosh, i told her how to kill herself? >> right. >> but it got even worse, said brett.

dismay, that she wanted to split up and served him with divorce papers and he, very upset he said, told her the night she died -- >> you and i will go to the mat and i made it perfectly clear whether it was truthful or not, that if this went to court, i was going to do everything i could to make sure she doesn't see the kids again. >> there was no sharing a bed anymore. and after he fell asleep on the couch downstairs, he said his cell phone rang. it was vashti calling from the bedroom upstairs. >> anyway, i answer it. she said, are you awake? you need to come get the boys. >> brett said he jumped up and heard a loud noise. >> sounded like somebody just hauled off and slammed the door closed as hard as they could. like somebody walking around on

up the stairs to the bedroom. >> i remember that clearly now. and there were small flames around the door. the flames were about that high off the ground. >> then he said, he ran into the master bedroom. >> the bed was on fire. and where the whole room could have been on fire, i'm pretty sure it was, but i was just looking right there. and vashti was laying on her back right in the spot where she sleeps. >> he said he reached over vashti's right shoulder and around her neck. >> pulled her up and she sank down like waffled in my arms down straight. not like somebody getting picked up. then all of a sudden it sort of came to me. dead, fire, kids.

>> he ran to the boys' room, scooped them up. ran downstairs, put them in the car and then called 911. then ran back into the house to try to get vasthi. he covered his face with a wet discloth he said and ran back up the stairs. >> by the time i get to the top of the stairs, it's pitch black. i can't see anything. not even my hand in front of my face. i told myself to get out. >> and now vashti was dead and brett couldn't stop wondering, he told the agent, wondering if she was thinking about the kids as she prepared to end her life. >> i have a question for her. did mommy say good-bye or did mommy tuck you in and say night night or did mommy say good-bye was the big one. because she did love those kids. and i could see her going in there and kissing each one of them good night. >> brett said he explained to the boys, especially the older one, that mommy is in heaven

>> we talk about that every night right before bed. >> and here, cop to cop, it was as if brett seacat was in a confessional booth. full of sorrow for threatening to take away the boys, the trigger, he was sure, for her suicide. did he seem remorseful about having said that? >> yes, he did. he showed remorse that he had driven her to commit suicide. he had given her no other out other than to take her own life. >> a journal. >> in the front driver's seat appeared to be a note to her two children and to brett. >> could it be a final message to her family? i'm going for it. eliquis. reliquis reduced the risk

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the known facts were stark, quite clear. vashti seacat was dead, a fatal bullet wound to the head. her house burned around her, her boys motherless, her husband a widower. now, the trick would be finding evidence for or against the story behind the apparent

which wasn't long in coming said the lead kbi agent. >> in vashti's purse they found a post-it note with a list of expenses. >> indications of money that she needed in her life insurance. >> the list included funeral expenses. and then they had a good look through vashti's volkswagen and in her trunk they found printed material about coping with stress and anxiety, but more discovered something the detective new was absolutely key. >> in the front driver's seat was a journal. as you open that book and go past some of the notes that she had written in reference to her children, kind of bookmarked with the stream that you usually find in those types of books was what appeared to be a note to her two children and to brett. and in that note, she's trying to explain, tell the children i love them and she'd tell her children to keep -- take care of each other and made the comment and brett, i took care of the house for you.

watching over her sons from heaven. all those words on that page seemed pretty clear, it was a goodbye note. vashti's friends and faelally, colleagues at cox communications, where she worked in human resources and others who knew her well. they said she had been going to a therapist for several months and losing a lot of weight recently and taking the hormonal supplement hcg. could it have affected her mood. brett's half brother bobby was dumbstruck by what happened and couldn't comprehend it, so he peppered him with questions. >> none of it made sense to me. i said were there problems? he said yeah, she filed for divorce and he told me they had been going to a counselor, been going to a counselor for six months. i said what would cause her to do this? he said i used the boys as a weapon, something i never should have done.

the boys, i would take the boys and run away with them. and he was beating himself about that. i, of course, said probably half of all of the people that have gotten a divorce that have kids involved have said something similar. >> bobby was learning things about vashti he had never known, he said. like when brett told him before vashti died, she had been spending evenings out. >> going out partying and dancing and drinking. >> so where would the kids be when she did that? >> with brett. i'm not saying that those kids didn't mean a lot to her. she was a wonderful person on the surface. and there was a different vashti that we were unaware of. it's upsetting to be made aware of it. >> to brett, vashti's going out was a sure sign she was sinking into depression. fit a pattern he'd seen before, just as he told the investigators.

didn't know a thing about it. >> before this happened, i had never heard anything about her being suicidal. and that's why i have some disappointment in my half brother. i mean, if he felt the duty to protect her, i understand. but there are other people there to help you through this. in hindsight, i'm sure he wishes he would have shared those things. >> one thing jumped back at bobby, something he'd seen the weekend before vashti died. she seemed sad and withdrawn sitting by herself in the house. while her young sons were hunting for easter eggs outside. >> she was not typical vashti who was usually bubbly and talkative and it was unusual that an easter egg hunt occurred and she didn't even get off the couch and come outside. >> bobby and his wife noticed. asked how she was doing. >> all she told us that day was she really didn't like work, and work was a struggle for her

she said i got into hr to give people a future and hope and i don't remember the last person i hired. >> according to bobby, vashti said when she had to lay off employees, it was difficult for her. especially if she was close to them. >> she said, if they're not your friends, they take the news and they leave. if they're your friend, they stay in your office and cry on your shoulder for an hour. >> as brett filled his half brother in on everything, bobby came to understand that apparently the emotions of vashti's job, the strain of her divorce, her depression, and brett's threat to take the kids from her proved too much, and sadly she took her life, leaving brett and the boys to go on somehow themselves. >> i've gotten past anger towards her, now it's just -- it bothers me. there's just things i think in her life that derailed. >> but to set the house on fire with her own little boys inside? >> we're trying to assign

believe was getting ready to take their own live. >> so for brett's family, it was starting to make sense. but for vashti's family, it just made no sense at all. >> questions and suspicions. >> i don't care what you're being told. you're dealing with a murder. it's not like you can find another colonel, right? ha, ha, ha. really? i mean, i haven't even been doing it that long. it's finger lickin' good!! not yet. not yet!

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the vigil for vashti seacat was held across the street from her burned-out house. >> her life was grounded in her love. >> kathleen and rich were there, so was brett with his two sons. not easy for any of them. and truth, as vashti's siblings knew, has a way of looking so very different, depending on who is doing the looking. which is why the minute rich found out something happened to his sister, he called the kingman county sheriff's office. >> i said i don't care what you're being told, i don't care

said you're dealing with a murder. >> a murder. even as they grieved, kathleen and rich had become suspicious of brett. ever since brett called kathleen to tell her the news and phrased it in such an odd way. >> he said vashti killed herself and then set the house on fire. so how it was said to us was backwards. and just from conversations her and i had had, i knew. i just -- i knew. >> what did he sound like? >> no emotion. very calm. no tears. no hysterics. just -- >> very matter of fact. >> i'm hysterical. i'm not married to her and she's not the mother of my children and i'm hysterical. but he wasn't. >> a week or so later, brett drove down to oklahoma to speak directly with kathleen and her husband. >> and he had answers for

like why she did what she did. why she thought what she thought. it was like a script. answers for everything. where normal people would be confused. there was a picture of her that was a poster size picture on my fireplace, and i looked over at it and said she was such a good mother, and i broke down and he said, oh, i'm over that. i'm just kind of angry at her and ready to move on. >> but they had to admit that brett's social interactions had always been a little cold, sometimes inappropriate and his reaction to vashti's death was not out of character. >> he didn't like people. he more wanted to isolate my sister and have her all to himself. i almost felt like vashti and the children were more of a

>> they were his. >> like your clan. >> everybody stay away from my stuff. >> yeah. so it was a different kind of love than maybe what i would define as love. >> early on, at least according to her siblings, vashti questioned her decision to marry brett, wondering if she should stay in the marriage, that is until she found out she was pregnant with the first of her sons. >> i do think brett treated her well while she was pregnant. he was very proud he was going to be having sons. and the seacat name was going to be, you know, pushed on. but several times in their marriage, it didn't feel right. i know she missed family. she wanted to reconnect with friends. she felt forced to not have the same friends. and that bothered her. >> did it change the way she was or personality? >> those boys were her life. so i think she was so focused -- >> focused and wrapped up in the

didn't notice it like we did from the outside. >> by the fall of 2010, said kathleen, vashti was miserable again. she was feeling depressed then and so she and brett started seeing a therapist together and alone. but things didn't get any better. and so in the spring of 2011, vashti filed for a divorce. >> this wasn't a spontaneous, i think i'll get divorced. and i know she had thought it through well enough. >> she had had enough of him and told kathleen so. >> she said he's a grandiose narcissist. it's not going to get better. it's not going to change. >> but was vashti depressed as brett was saying? not anymore said kathleen and rich. they talked to her all the time they said. and though she was sad about the divorce, she was looking forward finally to a happier life.

was excited about her job, was losing weight, starting new friendships and planning a vacation with you. >> and a concert and a hawaii trip and a springfield trip, and we had just gone shopping the week before, and the clothes were still in the bag at her house. in fact, she had so many things lined up for us to do that i was thinking i can't keep up with her. >> so they didn't buy brett's story at all. >> she was not depressed. she was anything but. >> the wednesday before vashti died when brett was served with the divorce papers, she spent that night with their sons at a friend's house and was going to stay there until friday when brett was supposed to be out of the house. that was the plan, said kathleen. >> he got ahold of her on thursday and told her to come home, that she owed it to him to let him say goodbye to his kids. he told her he couldn't be out

his parents didn't even know they were contemplating divorce. he didn't have any friends to go stay with. he said he needed a few more days to get out. could she please come home and let him tell his boys goodbye and just talk. i begged her to not go and she said, kathleen, my only way out is to try to reason with him. she said i'm not a monster. i'm not a monster. he has nowhere else. >> rich talked to vashti that friday about dinnertime. >> the whole conversation was hey, sis, how are things going in light of the situation. everything she said was, well, brett's having a really hard time with this. and brett's really struggling with this. >> it hurt her. it hurt her that he was so torn

>> less than 12 hours later, vashti was dead. kathleen and rich told investigators that's the truth as they saw it. they were certain brett killed vashti, made it look like suicide and because he was a man who actually trained law enforcement officers -- >> you were worried because of his training, he knew how to beat the system? >> oh, yeah. he would brag about it. he had books. he knew how to do it. >> brett seacat under scrutiny. >> i would have expected his chest to have some type of singeing. there was absolutely nothing. haler for sudden breathing problems. improve breathing for a full 24 hours. breo contains a type of medicine that increases the risk of death from asthma problems and may increase the risk of hospitalization in

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it's not always so straightforward determining from evidence what's suicide and what's murder. brett said it was obviously suicide. her family said, no way. so now investigators had to figure out who was right. they scoured the wreck of the seacat house for clues. >> i remember grabbing one of the kbi or fire -- somebody that was working the scene and i said

are you finding something that's going to let everybody know what happened? and i remember he looked at me and he said, i will tell you this. in this instance, justice will be served. >> what did that mean? as another investigator told them -- >> justice will be served and maybe justice is he didn't do it. we don't have emotions in this. we are here to collect facts. >> and collect they did. including a bit of unburned material on the dining room table in the seacat home. quite odd. >> it was actually a powerpoint that included -- almost like an instructor would be teaching a class on different types of death. suicides, homicide, i believe was listed on there, fire, blunt force trauma, things of that, that an officer or investigator would be looking at when they're investigating a death of some sort.

a teacher of policemen, that he might have that. >> individually, that probably could be looked at as that. >> in fact, said brett, that's exactly what it was. >> it was paperwork that he brought home from school or from class that he had taken, i believe, in college and it was scrap paper. he had pulled it in there because on the night before the morning she passed away, they had been working on a budget and we did find it looked like somebody was preparing a budget for their bills together, because they had separate accounts. so he was trying to show that he could help her out in paying off some of these bills. >> and that was the activity in the evening before she died. >> correct. >> so it was kind of a cooperative activity? >> archdiocesing to e according to mr. seacat, yes. also brett said when he ran into the best of your knowledge bedroom to try to save vashti, he was only wearing pants, no shirt or shoes. so -- >> i would expect to see some type of injury to fire.

photographed him later was very, very minor singing on his legs from hair. you get more than that if you're lighting a barbecue pit and you singe yourself. he had a couple of minor blisters on one of his feet. if he bent over a bed that was on fire, i would expect his chest to have some type of singing. >> they found gasoline on the pants he was wearing. suspicious? maybe. but proof of murder, staging the scene? not even close. there was an autopsy, of course. the results of which could be seen as suspicious or not. >> there was no soot in her airway or in her lungs. that would indicate there were no breaths taken prior to the fire kind of getting into the atmosphere. >> the fire was lit after she was dead? >> you could make that assumption. >> is it possible she could have poured the accelerant around the various places in the house, lit them all, hopped back into bed,

had no soot in her lungs? the fires are just getting started. >> it's possible. if she's made that decision to go to that length, i would expect that she would be very excited, her respirations would be very rapid and so she would be breathing heavy. >> there would be something in her lungs, some kind of indication? >> that would be my experience. i've worked multiple fatality fires over the years. but atf investigators opinion aside, facts are facts and the coroner said there weren't enough of them to determine whether vashti's death was homicide or suicide. just too much fire damage to know for sure. so agent falletti and his team poked around for whatever circumstantial evidence there might be. they went to where brett worked and were told by co-workers at the law enforcement training center that on the day before vashti died, brett took two

maintenance shop there and asked how to destroy them. >> ultimately, they showed him a torch and he used a torch to basically -- oxyacetaline torch that burns at a very high temperature. he used that to torch the hard drives. >> and then threw them away. two different trash cans along with a couple of cell phones which he had first pulled apart. troubling. on the other hand, wasn't like he was skulking around or hiding the unusual activity, he even asked his colleagues for help. so back to the house and the neighborhood around it. his team of investigators. and three doors down from the seacat house was a woman who said she was having trouble sleeping that night and so was awake in the wee hours watching tv in her living room. >> and at some point she believes she heard what was a gunshot and she believed that was sometime before the fire trucks and the police officers

residence. >> exactly when each of those things happened, she wouldn't say for sure. but reviewing the tv show she had been watching, she could tell them which scene was playing when she heard that gunshot. and that's how the kbi was able to determine the gun went off long before brett called 911. >> we believed it was about 30, 35 minutes prior to mr. seacat calling 911 is when she heard that gunshot. >> to do something. >> right. >> the atf monty said it was not simply a matter of lighting the bed on fire. >> was that where the fire was started? >> in my opinion, there were multiple fires started on the second floor of the residence. >> interesting. but it didn't rule out the possibility that vashti herself started the fires. >> there's a lot of things in limbo at that point. >> yes. but their suspicions pointed in one direction. toward brett seacat, who was

guilt-ridden widower to a serious person of interest. which his half-brother bobby found preposterous, especially when it came to what the kbi thought was brett's suspicious behavior at the training center as a former cop and cop trainer himself, bobby just knew his brother didn't do it. >> when you are in law enforcement and you know about identity theft, those are things you do. you break cell phones and you burn hard drives. not only was he well-versed in identity theft, he was a substitute instructor of it. i think in hindsight, if he had known what was about to happen that very night, he wouldn't have thrown cell phones away. he wouldn't have burned hard drives. he would not have done anything, and he especially wouldn't have spent the night in that house. >> because it would draw attention to him, make him look guilty?

>> was it just appearances or was it more than that? >> anger and accusations. >> did you murder her? >> no. >> did you pull the trigger? >> no.

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when brett seacat arrived for that chat with investigators looking into the death of his wife vashti, it was as if he could finally relax after the worst two weeks of his life. >> honestly talking to you guys distracts me from all the thoughts that eat me up of late. so actually i do better in this room. >> i did little talking. i did very few questions. we basically let mr. seacat go and he talked for multiple hours. >> brett knew the rules, of course, had to know he was very much a person of interest. but he was content to chat back

seven hours. didn't bring a lawyer with him. didn't ask for one. even when the investigators zeroed in on what they saw as holes in his story. >> things just aren't adding up. i think you know that. we want to make sure we get all of the facts right and get to the truth. >> what do you want ton? -- to know? >> brett willingly answered almost every question they had. like why there was no real evidence on his body to back up his story of what he did the night vashti died. >> you had no blood on you when you supposedly picked her up in the bed and held her to you close. >> no, i didn't hold her to me close. >> you had no fire on the bottom of your feet. if you walk through fire, you should have some kind of injuries besides a small injury on the top of one of your feet. >> i don't know why the bottom of my feet aren't burnt. i had a weird black charring but you guys have pictures of that. did i know that i stepped in any fire? i don't.

starting to think that the note in the journal was forged. >> to be honest with you, when i looked at that notebook, i'm going, this ain't right because, well, it slants one way part of the time and slants the other way part of the time and these are different. >> looks like her handwriting to me but it's not my handwriting. >> why on the friday before she died besides destroying hard drives and cell phones, brett spent time in his office with the door locked, which was pretty unusual at the training center. >> oh, my god. you know why it was locked. oh, screw you. i was crying. >> you had the door locked and what was you looking at? >> at my divorce papers. >> problem is, brett, you're in love, still in love with her. >> yeah, i am. >> and she was going to leave you. there was no doubt about that. >> that's not why you kill people.

>> you have no idea how impossible it is. >> well, the reason you killed her -- >> could he answer the central question? explain the thing that didn't make sense to anybody? why vashti, even if she was intent on suicide, why she would destroy the house too, why set it on fire. >> she really did not like that house. we were going to have to fix it up and we didn't particularly have the money or resources to fix it up. and she -- she started really hating that house. >> but at its heart said brett, vashti's reason might well have had more to do with vanity. >> she was a very, very beautiful girl. and always thought about what people would see. i think she might have shot herself and then assumed that her face would be really messed

herself. >> sitting just a couple of feet away, agent falletti, all but shook his head and said he didn't believe it. >> we asked him if he thought if he was sitting in my shoes interviewing me and saw the things that we saw and heard what he had told us, would he think that things just didn't add up? >> oh, god, yes. >> but you see where we're coming from? >> yeah, i see where you're coming from. this is a hundred times worse than what i had pictured in my mind. before i just thought i lacked any evidence and now you're saying there's a lot of evidence that i never knew existed. >> well, the hard -- >> it looks real bad. >> things are not looking good and they're adding up that you had something to do with this

>> oh, no, there's no why, okay? i didn't do this. i loved vashti. >> i'm sure you did. >> do. >> i'm sure you still do. but people do things to people they love. >> i wouldn't [ bleep ] my kids like this, ever. i wouldn't do it [ bleep ] to her family or [ bleep ] my family. i don't -- i didn't want to give up vash. i fought hard to try and keep us together. >> in fact, said brett, if he had murdered vashti, he'd have made a better job of it. >> i'm smart enough, if i wanted to kill my wife, it would have been a lot -- i could have come up with something better than this.

this is what a crazy person does. >> no, not necessarily. crazy in love, crazy for his kids. >> don't try and twist it around. >> no, i'm not. >> then falletti got to the point. >> did you hurt her? >> no. >> did you pull the trigger? >> no. >> did you kill her? >> no! >> brett left the station then, went to be with his boys and whatever his thoughts may have been. but not for long because no matter how adamant brett's denials were, they just didn't add up to the kbi. however depressed brett said vashti was, it made no sense she would have lit the house on fire with her two sleeping sons in harm's way. the next day brett seacat was taken into custody. he was formally charged three days later. >> brett p. seacat did then and

intentionally, and with premeditation kill vashtif. seacat. your bond is $1 million. he was also charged with arson and endangering his children. brett could not make bond and so remained in jail to await a jury's decision about what really happened in the seacat home in kingman, kansas, in the early hours of april 30th, 2011. >> the note. >> some of his actions were reckless. >> the gun. >> how did it end up underneath her body? >> the threats. >> she said, "do you think brett would burn the house down with me in it?" >> the prosecutors come on strong. stro mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, laughter mmmm, mmm mmmm, mmm! mmmm, mmm mmmm, mmm mmmm, mmm

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as kingman coped with the tragedy in its midst, the smallest victims of the vashti and brett seacat story endured what horrors we can't all imagine. kathleen left her home in oklahoma to help care for vashti's young sons shortly after her sister died and perhaps more than anyone she was

could do to a family. >> we held those babies all night. they would wake up, they were traumatized by the fire. >> sure. >> so to rock the little 2 1/2-year-old begging you, please ask jesus, please bring my mommy back, i'll be good. i need a mommy, that breaks your heart. this went on for a long time at night. sobbing for hours. >> those poor kids. i mean, you're trying to process that mommy is gone forever and these people over here think mommy killed herself and these people over here think my daddy shot my mommy. >> the trial to decide one way or the other finally began in may of 2013, two years after the fire. two years in which the local media covered the seacat case in a big way. >> it's looking like brett seacat will finally face trial for the death of vashti seacat. >> brett was entitled to ask to have his trial moved to another county, which might have been

case against him. but he elected to keep it here in kingman's historic courthouse, a mere two blocks from his ruined home. >> the defendant intentionally and with premeditation committed the murder of his wife, vashti seacat. >> for all the talk around town, assistant attorney general amy hanley had precious little hard evidence to draw upon, not even an autopsy report to wave around, because the coroner hadn't labeled vashti's death a homicide. no, the evidence was not hard. it was circumstantial. in other words, hanley will be asking the jury to look at the circumstances and then put two and two together. >> he got his .44 magnum, ruger revolver, he approached her in bed while she was sleeping, he shot her in the head, he set

the house to cover up his actions. and he did all of this while their two young sons were in the home. >> the motive? quite simple said the prosecution. brett did not want a divorce, but he did want custody of his sons and he would do what it took, even kill vashti, to keep them. their marriage counselor took the stand. >> he said that he felt like vashti was going to run, he could just feel it. that she was going to leave him. and that if she divorced him, she was divorcing the entire seacat family, including the children and that he would take the children and she would never see them even if it meant leaving the country. i told him it was not legal, that it wasn't going to help the children. it would hurt them a great deal. that they needed access to both their parents. >> did you talk to them about divorce, couples having two

>> yes. >> and what was brett's comments about that? >> he said he had seen children of divorce and he didn't think it was worse for them to have just one parent or one household. he thought it was better. >> as for brett's claim that vashti committed suicide, the therapist said she didn't believe it for a second. >> i asked her whether she would commit suicide and she said no, for two reasons. one her religious beliefs and her faith and the second was that she couldn't do that to her boys. that she just loved being a mom. she couldn't leave them. they needed her. >> the prosecutors showed the jury a photo of the contents of vashti's purse, which contained that post-it note listing various costs, including funeral expenses. >> vashti seacat, as all of her friends and family testified, was a very organized person, as

at work. and that list is simply somebody planning out what they might do in their future when they're going to get divorced, which we know vashti seacat was doing. >> prosecutors also showed jurors the powerpoint papers found on the dining room table, the presentation about homicides, suicides and fire. true, brett was a law enforcement trainer said the prosecutor, but those were not his subjects. >> he was not teaching arson. he wasn't teaching homicide. he wasn't teaching wound evidence. >> no. but those materials proved, said the prosecutor, was premeditation. it was brett's deadly homework. >> but what about that last entry in her journal, the one that read like a final farewell? forged said the state, by brett. the handwriting expert said it wasn't well done. look closely, he said.

that -- >> the term we use in documents is tremor of fraud. >> the tremor of fraud. it appeared, said the prosecution, that brett forged that note the day before vashti died, the same day he was torching hard drives. the same day he asked a staff member at the training center where he could find an overhead projector, something so outdated, it was in storage. the prosecutor said it appeared brett used the projection light to recreate vashti's writing in the journal. >> some of his actions were reckless because the clock was winding down. >> vashti had told brett he could stay in the house until noon sunday, the prosecutor said. she was planning to go out saturday evening in wichita and spend the night there. >> it's friday, it's friday evening. this was his last opportunity while they lived in the home together to kill vashti. >> then there was the lack of evidence where there should have

>> did you find any soot in the >> no. >> any soot in the lungs? >> no. >> the autopsy findings that vashti seacat had no soot in her lungs, in her airways and that there was no carbon monoxide in her blood, that was a key piece of evidence for the prosecution because what it showed, what the jury could infer from that was that vashti seacat didn't breathe in any smoke. if she didn't breathe in any smoke, the fire was set after she was dead. >> after she was dead. >> and something else. weird little detail. yet according to the prosecution, it was telling. when she died, vashti's bladder was quite full. >> there probably would have been a urinary urgency or the need to go to the restroom. >> the importance of that for the evidence is that the claim from brett seacat is that vashti

setting these fires, holding her breath, not breathing any smoke while she has a strong urge to urinate. that doesn't make sense. that's something that the jury needed to decide whether or not in their common sense and experience, whether they thought that made any sense at all. >> just another point to add to the unlikelihood of this whole story that he was telling? >> that's right. >> the claimed suicide weapon didn't make sense either said the prosecutor. .44 magnum ruger redhawk, such a big heavy gun. >> if she killed herself, how was she able to get that heavy handgun up to her head and pull the trigger and do so in just the right downward angle that it slices right through her spinal cord. there was some kick, some recoil to the gun. how did it end up completely underneath her body when she was sleeping on her side? >> the prosecutor said the angle of the bullet proved one thing.

someone standing over her while she was sleeping shooting her. >> because, said the prosecutor, because that's what he said he would do. brett not only woke vashti up one night to tell her he had a dream that he killed her, but friends and colleagues testified about what they told the kbi, that in the weeks before she died, vashti told them that incredibly, brett threatened to kill her and burn the house down and make it look like suicide. >> she said, do you think brett would burn the house down with me in it? and i was taken aback by that and i said, not with the kids at home. >> tragedy was, said the prosecutor, vashti didn't believe him either. >> so when those threats didn't work, he had to kill her to maintain control of her. >> in other words, said the prosecutor, planned,

looks bad for brett, doesn't it? but then you haven't heard the bombshell the defense had in store. >> vashti had confided in brett that she had rekindled a romantic relationship that she was having with one of the executives. at cox communications. >> an affair? ahead. >> what other mistakes did they make? there's something about the investigation that stinks. it's a pill for relapsing ms that has the power to cut relapses in half. imagine what you could do

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brett seacat, unable to pay a lawyer to represent him, was brett seacat no podi a pasar, his court appointed defense attorneys just happened to be veterans of murder cases. the attorneys who opened. >> my grandmother used to love to put together jigsaw puzzles.

well that the puzzle didn't always go together the way the prosecution tried to make it look. >> there's a second side to this story. and that is that vashti seacat, depressed and confronted with either losing her career or staying in the marriage, decided instead to take her own life. >> why would she do that? here came the bombshell. >> vashti had confided in brett that she had rekindled a romantic relationship that she was having with one of the executives at cox communication. >> vashti, claimed the defense, was having an affair with a cox vice president and the evening before vashti died brett gave her an ultimatum. stay in the marriage or he would expose her affair. that threat along with brett's vow to take the children, said

that sent an already depressed woman over the edge. >> she suffered from absolute depression. what can depression lead you to? among the various things that can go wrong, suicide is one. >> under cross-examination by the attorney, the seacat therapist testified that vashti had a history of what she called depressive symptoms starting when her brother died in an accident when she was young. >> major depressive disorder would be that occurring more than once for a longer period of time. possibly in a pattern. >> and with regard to what you wrote down regarding mrs. seacat, were you describing an episode or a disorder? >> i was describing that this was an episode, but there had been others prior. >> a lot of folks think that if you were depressed a week ago but you ain't been depressed since, you are cured. now, i got the expert to say that isn't the way it works.

anticipate if or when a depressed person might commit suicide, admitted the therapist, even when someone is making future plans, as vashti was. suicide is still possible, the defense argued. they're about to say it also wouldn't have been the first time for vashti. or at least brett was ready to claim she had attempted suicide before. >> brett wanted to testify about the suicide attempts that vashti had made on herself. some while they were married, some before. judge said, well, show me the evidence of this. and we had looked and looked and looked and could not find -- >> high and low. couldn't find anything? >> couldn't find hospital records that far back. but that should be no surprise to anybody, because hospitals don't keep records anymore.

would not be allowed to make that claim in court. what about the post-it note found in vashti's purse, the one that listed funeral expenses. >> it could very well be that that is her figuring out what things cost and whether or not insurance is going to cover it. that's what i think it could be. >> who knows? >> who knows? nobody knows. prosecution doesn't know. i don't know. >> but it has some significance, you think? >> you certainly could portray it as being significant. you could also portray it as being a load of hog wash. >> remember how the prosecution argued that vashti's suicide note found in her journal was a forgery, probably committed by brett? the defense had a handwriting expert of its own who concluded that vashti did, in fact, write the note, and brett asking for that overhead projector at work hours before vashti died, the attorney cross-examined brett's co-worker, the one who helped him find it.

this question? >> new york city -- no, he was not. >> he goes and asks someone to help him find an overhead projector? takes him to where it is. he carries it down in full view of anybody who is possibly in that place, and he carries it back. that sounds like somebody who didn't have anything to hide. >> and what about the state's point that no soot was found in vashti's lungs? under cross-examination, the coroner allowed that it could be possible under the defense scenario that vashti lit a fire just before killing herself. >> if someone lit a fire and shot themselves within seconds, would you expect to see soot in their lungs? >> not necessarily, no. >> as for the powerpoint found on the seacats' dining room

investigations, meaningless, said the defense. >> what the prosecution would have you assume, right, is that this really, really smart cop was stupid enough to be looking at all of this stuff the night he tries to burn the house down? ease. i certainly wouldn't try to hide evidence by setting a house four blocks from the fire department on fire. and praying, right, that they would not get there until the whole thing had burned to the ground. that's silly. it's just silly. >> what's more, brett said, most of the powerpoint printout had been in a tray in another room as scrap paper, that the kbi must have moved those papers to the table just to make it look suspicious. like they made brett's use of an overhead projector suspicious and his destroying cell phones and computer hard drives seem suspicious. ridiculous the defense said.

believe he was trying to destroy evidence of a crime. what evidence did he try to destroy? they never said what evidence he tried to destroy. this guy is such a super criminal that where does he go to destroy that? he goes to the kansas law enforcement training center, which is full of, what, former cops. and he gets somebody to help him destroy those things. now, if he wanted to destroy those things, there are innumerable farm ponds. if you wanted to get rid of that, you throw it into a farm pond and nobody will ever find it. >> in fact, the state's whole investigation, said the defense, was at best incompetent, maybe worse. brett and the attorney claimed that vashti's car disappeared from the crime scene for three days even though the entire seacat yard was supposed to have been sealed off, a crime scene. they showed the jury a series of

vantage points which made it look like the car had been moved in the days after the fire. this neighbor lived right across the street from the seacat driveway. >> when you first observed the driveway, was the volkswagen there? >> no. it was not? >> no. >> do you remember seeing it in that driveway ever again? >> three days later. >> three days later. if i understand your testimony, you didn't see anybody bring it back? >> no. >> i think he was telling the truth. if i thought he was lying, i wouldn't have put him on. to me it implies that the investigation is faulty. how do you let somebody get into the crime scene and drive it away? >> so it was either gross incompetence or intentional? >> my opinion it was both. if that happened, what other mistakes did they make? there's something about the investigation that stinks. >> just smelled bad, said the

gasoline on brett's pants, when the defense expert says -- >> i would not make a determination it was gasoline. >> worst of all, he said the kansas bureau of investigation did not even bother to check for gunshot residue on brett's hands, a test that would have revealed if he had actually fired that gun that night. >> if you've ever seen what that gun looks like, it comes out the side of the cylinder. that stuff goes somewhere. and onto your skin is where you would look for it at. yet, they didn't look. >> they didn't look. >> he's a cop, they're a cop. brett seacat doesn't have much faith in the kbi. >> the defense called brett t. seacat to the witness stand. >> but the star witness for the defense would be the last witness, brett seacat himself. >> i didn't think it was appropriate to be dragging my

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>> you may come forward and be sworn please, sir. >> it is, call it unusual, for a defendant to testify at his own murder trial. dangerous, his lawyer might advise, to subject himself to the aggressive questions of a skilled prosecutor. but -- >> in my heart of hearts i know, it wouldn't have made any difference what anybody said to brett because brett wanted to testify. he wanted to. he had to. he believed that if people just listened, the truth would out. >> mr. seacat, will you tell us your full name please. >> brett theodore seacat. >> at his own request, no video

audio recording only. as brett set out, with confidence, to tell the jury what happened beginning 21 hours or so before the fire. >> on that morning when i said goodbye, she said see you tonight and actually gave me a big kiss, which i thought was odd. >> why did you think that was odd? >> um, because in the last week, week and a half, we had been back and forth about 50 times on divorce, and so it just let me know that we were back on the not divorce track. >> by the time he returned to the house that evening, said brett, things had changed. i couldn't figure out why she was -- she was in a big hurry to get a divorce, which was something that had never happened before. i told her we haven't really worked on our marriage very

my angle in the discussion was, i'll give you a collaborative divorce if we work on the marriage for three to six months. >> brett said vashti seemed to agree to that, especially when he made it clear what he would do if she went forward with the divorce right then. >> basically, i told her, if this goes to court, that -- that i was going to do everything, everything in my power to destroy her. >> brett told the jury things he had never told the kbi investigators, that he threatened to share private photos of her and that vashti had several recent affairs, including one with the executive at cox, and that brett threatened to expose her. as for why he didn't tell the kbi earlier about the alleged affairs -- >> i didn't think it was

wife's name through the mud. >> as it was, brett and his defense team didn't put on any evidence about an affair with the cox executive or with anybody for that matter. then his lawyer finished with the key questions. did you love vashti? >> i love vashti. >> did you kill vashti? >> no, i did not. >> did you pull the trigger on the ruger redhawk that resulted in the bullet going through her neck and severing her spine? >> no, i did not. >> so his direct testimony hours of it, seemed to go pretty well. but now, of course, here came the prosecutor to put him on the spot. >> cross-examination, ms. hanley? >> she wanted brett to explain, how it was possible for him to do what she thought was impossible, make that 911 call and stay on the phone while

of a burning house. >> my wife is upstairs. i'm about to go upstairs and try and get her out. oh, oh, there's smoke everywhere. just a second. i have to get a wet rag. >> how he was able to make that call and talk to a dispatcher while he was supposedly running up and down the stairs twice in smoke and fire, wetting a rag, holding onto his phone, how he didn't drop the phone, fall, cough, gasp. >> turn the water faucet on, grab the dish cloth. >> yes, ma'am. >> you're holding your cell phone, too? >> i don't think i'm holding it to my ear, but it's certainly still in my hand. >> well, you're talking to 911 at this time, right? >> you're correct. it must have been to my ear. i just don't remember that element of it. >> and then she asked him about the divorce. >> vashti wanted the divorce, right? >> depends on which ten minutes you talked to her.

she was thinking about divorce, that's when you would threaten her? >> i'm sorry? >> when vashti told you she wanted a divorce, you would threaten her, wouldn't you? >> no, vashti never -- we talked about divorce a lot. but the first time that i found out vashti wanted a divorce was when she told me that she had filed. >> and then, then point-blank, she accused him of murder. >> you threatened to kill vashti, burn the house down and make it look like she committed a suicide. >> i absolutely have never said anything even remotely like that. >> you never made that threat to vashti? >> absolutely not. >> you killed your wife, didn't you? >> no, ma'am. >> you shot her in the head. >> impossible. >> you burnt the house down around her. >> i would never burn our house. >> and did you it while your two

were in the house. >> absolutely not. i would never expose my children to any situation like that. >> the investigation was thorough in this case and the kbi agents looked for any sign that would lead us to a different conclusion than that brett seacat killed his wife. and all of the evidence that was uncovered and all the evidence presented at trial by both sides led to that conclusion. >> vashti's family was upset about things that brett said on the stand about vashti's character. but they said they found his testimony revealing. >> i was almost embarrassed that he was still claiming he was innocent when there were just so many things that would have had to have lined up perfectly that would have had to have been a fluke. >> but brett's brother bobby felt the trial only confirmed what he had always believed. >> i left that courtroom 100% convinced that he didn't do

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there's no rule of thumb, nothing that works anyway, to allow a person to successfully predict a jury's verdict based on the time it takes to make it. brett seacat's jury deliberated six hours. what did that mean? brother bobby was nervous, of course. but had a good feeling. >> i think that the state in every respect failed to prove and make their case. >> ladies and gentlemen, have you reached a verdict?

>> we, the jury, find the defendant brett t. seacat guilty of murder in the first degree. >> guilty on all counts. the reaction in the courtroom was muted. >> it was a strange mixture of emotions because there was this part of you that thought when they say guilty, i'm just going to get all this off my chest and i'm going to feel good. but then there's this big part of you that realizes at the end of the day, it didn't bring her back. >> the truth is, everybody was just as hurt. no one won. so you think why am i not feeling better? because what got better? he is behind bars and he needs to be behind bars. but the lives that it affected will forever be affected. >> his lawyer all but said i knew it because --

a fair trial in kingman, kansas, and i will never think that. >> but it was brett who insisted on being tried in his hometown and in his lawyer's view, he paid the price. >> certainly not blaming the jury, right? it just, to me, became patently obvious that this jury did not exactly look kindly upon mr. seacat. >> it was going to be an uphill battle. >> an uphill ballots before we even got started. >> agent falletti saw things very differently indeed. >> i believe mr. seacat believed that whole house was going to go up in flames and law enforcement and fire were not going to find very much there and that he knew this local police department and they probably would just think it was what he said it was and go on about their business. but the kingman police department and the sheriff's office called in other agencies to assist. fortunately for vashti's family we found evidence to convict him

>> but brett seacat is an unusual man, adamant that he is innocent, certain that he was set up by the state, which was out to get him, by in-laws who didn't like him, and even by the judge. in fact, particularly the judge, which became abundantly clear at brett's sentencing, when seemingly out of the blue, brett lashed out with a truly remarkable incendiary, venomous attack against judge solomon. >> this day belongs to you judge solomon. this is your day. this is a day you get to take your place in front of the cameras and pass sentence on a man you worked so hard to convict. a man you know was innocent but a man you had to help convict so you could get this day. your day. so go ahead and collect the 30 pieces of silver, judge solomon, go ahead and sell custody of my little boys to vashti's family.

think will land you a spot on the kansas supreme court. go ahead and pass a sentence that guarantees your spot in hell, just like amy hanley and the 12 jurors, you're going to hell in this case. your corrupt decisions will be appealed. evidence will be presented and i will be freed. with that, i'll step aside and let you have your day. after all, you purchased it with your soul. so you've earned it. >> what did you make of that, of his statement? >> i liked the fact that he said what he thought. when you believe you are innocent, why not say you are innocent? why not say what you think was wrong? say it. because it isn't going to make any difference. >> did it? here's how the judge responded. >> i heard a few things i didn't anticipate. i won't bother addressing them because they're so bizarre, they

they merely affirm to me that a jury of 12 kingman county citizens made the appropriate decision in this case. you claim to be vashti's protector and in the next breath on the stand said the evening in question you would destroy her. at trial you made every effort possible to drag her name and her memory and her reputation through the mud. vashti was not indecisive about divorcing you. she was not depressed and she was not suicidal. the family's hit it on the head, so did several witnesses at trial about you being arrogant, about you being controlling, about you being self-centered and narcissistic.

alternate reality. you haven't admitted guilt, you haven't admitted responsibility. you didn't this morning even express remorse that vashti is no longer on this earth. >> and with that, he sentenced brett seacat to the maximum allowed under kansas law. he'll serve 30 years before his first shot at parole. and now, now their once graceful home has been torn down. the reputation of brett's family, a family of lawmen, is tarnished. the seacat sons are growing up without either parent and will have the heavy burden of knowing their father was convicted of killing their mother. vashti, the woman named for a queen. >> i miss her every day. just dumb things, like seeing a

something. it will not go away. i hope that i figure out what my new life is going to look like at some point and i can accept it. but with time, they say it gets better. i just think -- i just hope it