tomorrow, michael jackson listen memorialized here -- will be memorialized at the staples center and this gold bracelet is the hottest in town. it gets you inside the memorial. along with tickets. abc news will have live coverage beginning at 1:00 p.m. eastern that's our report for tonight. jimmy kimmel is up next. i'm cynthia mcfadden for martin and terry and all of us at abc news, good night, america. tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- ♪ >> way over there -- >> basically no eye contact is the rule here. >> all right. >> you want one of the gatora gatorades.

>> don't you dare look at him. >> we're going to play a game called orlando, orlando, orlando. >> let's check with billy d. >> oh, yeah. orlando covers his bases. >> artie lange. >> i can prove this to you. i never drove to harlem at 4:00 a.m. to get somebody to hug me. >> this is a way to get flavor -- make it nonstick. rub it with a piece of bacon and that way you can eat it afterwards. >> we better. or otherwise you get punched in the face. >> and no doubt. ♪ >> "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with artie lange, barbecue master adam perry lang, dwyane wade and music from no doubt. for your skin.ew futue only aveeno positively radiant moisturizer has total soy, combining the best of nature with the proof of science for a whole new level of radiance.

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tonight -- artie lange. barbeque master adam perry lang. dwyane wade from the miami heat. and music from no doubt. with cleto and the cletones. and now, no nonsense, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. >> hi, i'm jimmy. thanks. thanks so much. i want you to know, your

friendship is what keeps me alive. that and 8,000 calories a day. it was basketball night in america tonight. game four of the nba finals. the orlando magic at home trying to even their series with the lakers. the magic won game three on tuesday. i can tell phil jackson the coach of the lakers was starting to get worried because he actually opened one of his eyes during the game. and the second quarter i swear he was doing a soduko puzzle. we'll have more on that later and dwyane wade from the miami heat is here to participate. we have a great show tonight. we have music tonight from no doubt. one of our favorite guests, artie lange is here. [ cheers and applause ] another favorite lange, adam perry lang is here. this is his book. for those of you who like to work the grill, you're going to learn some high-level stuff here.

that's adam. this is not your typical beer can chicken. i'm excited about it. i hope it goes better than the last cooking segment on the program. you may have seen it on the internet. he cooks everything, cows, pigs, llamas, ostriches, and if you kill it, he will grill it. it caused him a little bit of trouble last week when he had a cooking segment on "sesame street" of all places. >> remember, the key is slow and low over indirect heat. come on, kids. i have been cooking this baby for hours that's what i'm talking about. tastes just like chicken. >> you killed elmo. >> don't worry, kids. >> i saved your life, elmo. [ laughter ] >> elmo loves you. >> 50 cent loves you too, elmo.

[ cheers and applause ] >> you know, if you're watching the show right now with an old fashioned antenna, this might be the last tv show you see for a while because in a few hours all american television networks will switch from analog to digital television. so if you're relying on rabbit ears to get tv signal, well, you're a loser. even rabbits don't have those anymore. they estimate 2.5% of american viewers which is 3 million people is not prepared for the changeover, so they won't be able to see tv. which means as of tomorrow, there's a good chance your grandma will be watching 24 hours of the static channel. you should probably call her. here's a heart warmer for father's day. thomas beatty who became a man and then got pregnant with his leftover baby parts gave birth to his second child yesterday. it's a boy, for now, and the ladies of "the view" made it a hot topic.

and sherri shepherd boiled it down quite nicely, i think. >> thomas legally a man with his wife nancy who had a baby by natural birth has just yesterday had another baby, this time a baby boy. >> vaginally? >> legally a man, but had a baby. the baby came out of a vagina. >> thank you. >> a woman has a vagina. a woman has a vagina, a woman has -- a woman has a vagina. >> you know what? she's right. i knew one who had one. controversy surrounding carrie prejean. she said she was against same-sex marriage and some wanted her to be stripped of her title because of it, but donald trump who owns the pageant said no, she's entitled to her opinion and today, he fired her. which is what he does, i guess. she has been officially

dethroned. i guess she missed some events and she has to give the crown and the sash back. they're letting her keep the fake breasts but other than that -- my money says she's a fox news anchor by now. by right now. on wednesday night, paris hilton was here and if the tabloids are to be believed, she and her boyfriend broke up after the show. she was going out with a guy named doug reinhart. naturally, i assumed it was because of me. just hard for other guys to measure up, but then i saw this video on one of those gossip websites. watch very closely because it's dark, but -- well, watch this. she's there with this guy, and i don't know who that guy is and they're obviously shooting through a window. then another guy walks in. and it almost looks like -- it almost looks like my uncle frank. [ cheers and applause ] oh, yeah. all right.

so games three, four and five of the finals will take place in orlando. i have to admit, outside of disney world i don't know a whole lot about orlando, so i thought it would be fun to turn that lack of knowledge into a game. so tonight we'll step into the studio audience to play a game called orlando, orlando orlando? thank you very much. all right. in my hand is a list of facts and your job as contestants is to guess whether i'm talking about the city of orlando, florida, the actor orlando bloom or the administrator of cloud city from "star wars." are you the first contestant? stand up. what's your name? >> danielle. >> i don't why i talk into this microphone, i have one on my tie. where are you from? >> jersey shore. >> what do you do for a living? >> i sell products, build safe rooms, panic rooms, bank vaults. >> really? for paranoid people? >> pretty much.

yeah. >> safe rooms, panic rooms? so people will go in there if something happens and lock everyone else out? >> yes. just like jodie foster. >> so do people use these? do they panic and use them? >> yeah. >> so you deal with maniacs every day. >> pretty much. yeah. >> do you know artie lange? >> no. sorry. >> well, don't jump to conclusions. all right. jersey shore, i thought maybe. your only question is this. who or which was formerly named jurnigen? >> letter c. >> letter c, let's check with billy dee williams and see -- [ cheers and applause ]

>> well, the correct answer is orlando, florida. >> oh, my goodness, i'm sorry. you're still going to get -- a gift. that's a signed copy of artie lange's book "too fat to fish". enjoy. give that to your crazy friends. let's go to the next contestant. hi, what's your name? >> my name is peter. >> peter. who does your hair? >> i do. >> you do it yourself? >> yes. >> can you show that to everyone? so we can get a look. wow. you were a beautiful baby once and now this. where you from? >> i'm from riverside. >> very good. your question is this. which of these is famous for pirates of the caribbean? >> i'm going to go with orlando bloom. >> well, let's go to billy dee. >> it's a trick question. both orlando, florida, and

orlando bloom are famous for pirates of the caribbean. >> we're going to give you adam perry lang's book, but enjoy it anyway. okay. hi. what's your name? >> stephanie. >> stephanie, stand up if you will. there you go. you can hold the microphone. where you from? >> from jersey. >> you're also from new jersey. what do you there? >> i'm a retired spanish teacher and a former playboy bunny. >> oh, wow. did the students know you were a playboy bunny? >> no. no way. >> how do you know they didn't? >> they would have mentioned it. >> is that right? you can't keep that sort of thing quiet anymore, can you? >> no, you can't. >> well, guillermo, perhaps this is someone who can translate for you and uncle frank. the final question. which of these handed his old friend han solo over in cloud

city? >> c. orlando -- >> let's check with billy dee. billy dee? >> oh, yeah. orlando -- that's it. >> you win a subscription to o magazine. all right. that's definitely a keeper. [ laughter ] thank you. thanks to billy dee williams, everybody. on the show tonight, artie lange is here. adam perry lang is here. music from no doubt. and we'll be right back with cousin sal and nba superstar dwyane wade.

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♪ welcome back. with us this evening, a very funny man whose voice you can hear every morning with howard stern on sirius xm radio. his best selling book "too fat to fish" is now in paperback. artie lange is here. also with us, with the greatest book on barbecue ever written. it's called "serious barbecue, smoke, char, baste and brush your way to great outdoor cooking", buy it for your dad on father's day, adam perry lang. they say two langes in one show is good luck. and then, once we're full of meat, to cap things off, they are touring the country all this summer. from our outdoor stage, courtesy from our friends at state farm, music from no doubt. so good times. earlier tonight, we had a show on primetime on which we had the nba superstar paired with one of my relatives, my cousin sal, screwing with fans getting autographs.

dwyane wade from miami heat and my cousin sal. [ cheers and applause ] you guys -- you did this for a short time, but you came up with a lot of funny stuff. so we thought why waste it on one night and might as well spread it out to two shows. here it is, we're spreading the magic, dwyane wade and cousin sal at the autograph show. >> how you doing? >> very well, thank you. >> nice to see you. okay, so here's the things. you see mr. wade over there. so, you know, it's been a long regular season. people have been looking at him all year long, you know? so basically no eye contact is the rule here. all right? when you walk up to him, your eyes are going to be up, okay? do it for a second, let me see. i think you got it. have you done this before? >> never. >> head high. keep your head high, chin up. >> okay. what's up, man? >> how you doing, mr. wade? >> i'm doing great, man. >> nice to meet you. >> he's extending his hand. >> okay. >> how long you been waiting?

a long time? >> long time. >> do you want a gatorade? >> yes, sir. >> you can pick one. we have blue, we have orange or red. pick either one. >> don't look at him, don't look at him. he's trying to trap you. >> i like that, i like that. >> okay. how you doing? is this where you want your autograph? like right over here? i like to make sure people -- >> anywhere, sir. just to talk to you is enough for me, sir. >> it looks good if i put it over there. >> tell him where to put it but don't you look at him. don't you look at him. don't smile. >> put it on the front. >> please look up. >> i have to ask you this. what's your favorite moment? >> the nba finals when you were down and coach riley put it on the -- on the flip board. that you receive it -- >> oh -- >> i did this -- oh, my god, oh, my god. don't look at him. >> like a quarterback, i shot it

off the glass. >> don't you look at him, don't you dare look at him. keep use eyes up -- take your eyes off mr. wade. head up, soldier. up. close your eyes, close your eyes. keep you eyes closed. dwyane, you'll sign that, thanks. keep your eyes closed. hey, dwyane, want to get something to eat? >> yeah. >> how's it going, man? >> doing all right. >> great. you have some basketball to get signed. let me give you the low down. let me tell you, dwyane is in a bad mood. he got some bad news. he's had a turtle since he was 3 years old. he's very close to the turtle that got run over today, and they don't live forever it turns out. he's very close to the turtle and he's down in the dumps. you know what would help him, do you know any jokes? this is a weird thing, he likes knock knock jokes. do you know any?

>> i probably know a couple. >> run one by me. >> knock knock. >> who's there? >> boo-hoo. >> oh, that's -- see i don't want to put him in a bad mood. he's already upset. you're talking about how he's crying and stuff. what about if you work his name into it? try this, knock knock. >> who's there? >> dwyane. >> dwyane who? >> dwyane the bathtub, i'm drowning. do you think you can do that? i think he'll like it. you'll make him laugh. he'll sign these balls, you'll make his day. he'll make your day. dwyane, this is jeremiah. >> what's going on, man? >> not so good, man. >> knock knock. >> we're doing knock knock jokes? >> yeah. >> oh, man, that is g, man. all right, come on. >> knock knock. >> who's there? >> dwyane. >> dwyane who? >> dwyane in the bathtub, i'm drowning. >> you have got to be kidding me.

my turtle was named dwyane. >> oh, man. i'm sorry. this is -- >> this is the darkest day of my life. you're going to make fun of my turtle's name. i can't do this, man. this is bad day for me! >> you know -- >> you tell me a joke -- why did you bring up a turtle? you shouldn't have brought up the turtle. [ laughter ] >> dwyane wade and cousin sal, everybody. we'll be right back with artie lange. ( upbeat music playing ) ( meows ) ( meows ) cats everywhere are using fresh step

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♪ music coming up from no doubt. you know our first guest from "the howard stern show" on sirius xm radio, or from your local library. his first book "too fat to fish" debuted at number one on "the new york times" best seller list, with no help whatsoever from oprah. and now it is out in paperback. please say hello to artie lange. [ cheers and applause ]

artie, [ cheers and applause ] >> wow. do they think i'm jack black or something? [ laughter ] >> normally when i say you look great, i'm being sarcastic, but you do. you've lost weight. >> i look better. [ cheers and applause ] >> everything is relative, you know? but you do. >> but it's like rodney danger field said in the great movie "back to school". hey, if you want to look thin, hang out with fat people. i came back from the dead.

i'm not exactly calista flockhart. >> you are a valerie bertinelli type now. you shed a lot of weight. how did you do it? >> i'm trying to swim now because someone told me, you know, if you want to lose weight go swimming. i have never been swimming. and that's because it's never been more than a half an hour since i last ate. [ laughter ] >> you get cramps, yeah. >> that's an oldie, but a good one. >> i figured that whole thing out finally. i realized that it was crap, right? i mean your parents tell you you can't go swimming for an hour. it's because they don't want to watch you in the pool. >> my mother used to tell me stuff that was all b.s. >> yeah. >> like hugs are better than drugs. [ laughter ] my mother used to yell that out to me -- hugs are better than drugs? but i believe everything that my mother said until the first time i got high at a party and i thought wow this is way better

than when my mother hugs me. what else has that crazy broad been lying to me about? am i not the handsomest boy in jersey? >> you are. >> i am from new jersey. let me put it to you this way, hugs are not better than drugs i can prove it to you. i never drove to harlem at 4:00 a.m. to get somebody to hug me. [ laughter ] >> artie, you know, i don't want -- i don't want to ruin -- >> hey, carlos, he's 20 bucks, just put your arms around me, man. [ laughter ] >> i don't want to set you off in the wrong direction -- >> you have been setting me up well. >> thank you. we have a barbecue expert on the show tonight. >> wow. >> who i think -- i think that beard is going to be covered with barbecue sauce. >> so you're an enabler. got any heroin too? how about a hooker? who ripped me off once. >> he'll grill anything up. >> he'll grill up a hooker? >> sure? why not.

>> i've got an extra 50. >> that would be on my highlight reel like johnny carson with the tomahawk. i'd have an actual hooker flayed out on the grill. >> i have got a public service announcement for people out there. for young men. if you have young broads i don't know what to tell them. this is a public service announcement for young men. i'm going to say this slowly. if you give a hooker money to go and get cocaine, she will never come back. [ laughter ] that would be -- >> for your children, that would be your version of hugs not drugs? right? >> some things are not a hundred percent in life, jimmy, but for this, i'm 40-40. they lie! they lie to you. >> yeah. you have a girlfriend now. >> i sure do. >> she loves hearing these

stories. >> oh, she loves it. >> has he read the book? >> well, she can't read. she's in the third grade. >> that's why. you have a new story. you have the paperback version i know. >> i didn't write it, the guy who wrote it wrote it with me. i haven't read it. tracy morgan is writing a book. you know? >> i always feel dumb whenever -- i always liked to believe that everything is going great and people say -- do you think artie is off drugs? yeah, he seems -- >> you're so nice. >> every single time i think and now i don't know, i don't know what's going on. i'm glad to see you look physically fit. >> thank you. >> when the new chapter of the book was written, i have been in contact with you recently. i had no idea anything was wrong. >> yeah. well, i don't open up to friends that well, jimmy. i'm like you who cries when john ritter died. [ laughter ] jimmy has feelings. jimmy knew john ritter for two

seconds and he's bawling like his mother -- >> i watched a lot of "three's company". don't say that. >> we all did. when i saw john ritter died, i said that's messed up and i went to work. i didn't cry for four hours. [ laughter ] but, yeah. [ laughter ] at the time, well, what happened was as i finished writing the book a stunning who shot j.r. fashion i left a cliff-hanger. for you young kids, j.r. is a reference to "dallas". young kids know nothing. >> we lost them a long time ago. >> yeah. exactly. so the drug related issue was i was supposed to roast bob sagat on comedy central. we have done a couple together and you're always great on those things.

it's nice when -- you know -- whatever. no, you are. and so sagat directed "dirty work" which i did with norm mcdonald with -- thank you. [ cheers and applause ] the applause guy is going -- is this working? [ laughter ] i -- what is that? >> it rocks! >> it rocks, thank you. it's always a guy, never a chick. >> and it's always it rocks. >> i was on the "jimmy kimmel live" with my boyfriend and artie was bombing -- no, the white one. he was bombing and i yelled out it rocks and it was so funny. um, no, thank you for saying that. the reviews were horrible on "dirty work". this is a true story, but norm is great at comforting you if something goes wrong. >> really? >> no, but i'm just saying that. review for "dirty work" in my hometown paper said artie lange has all the charm of a date rapist.

i mean, that actually happened. so norm tried to cheer me up by saying this. he goes, hey, man, that's great. a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist. [ laughter ] >> a wise man. artie, have you been watching the nba finals? are you interested? >> well, i don't like the nba and it's not because i'm racist, everybody thinks that. i love -- >> it's not? >> i love czechoslovakian guys. you know, i used to bet a lot on the nba. i used to bet a lot on everything. you know, you're not in show business for 17 years and dressed like this without a bad gambling problem. [ laughter ] i was making 35 grand a week on a sitcom and i'm wearing the same jeans i had on in a rush concert in 1981. >> stone wash is stone wash. >> i threw up in these jeans during "tom sawyer".

but the nba are a bunch of hypocrites to me. >> in what way? >> the slogan or motto for children is stay in school. [ laughter ] tell that to lebron. hey, lebron, screw the 90 million, brush up on your biography. if they wanted to promote staying in school and not be hypocrite, to me, at the all-star game instead of a slam dunk contest, hold a spelling bee for the players. it would be more fun to watch, i guarantee you. what would be more fun to watch, a basketball player dunking again or allen iverson trying to spell receipt? >> no question about it. well, if you haven't -- if you haven't gotten it yet already, it's called "too fat to fish" it's in paperback now with a bonus story. artie lange, everybody.

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♪ just in time for father's day, our next guest's new book is the greatest contribution to barbecue since jesus invented meat. it's called "serious barbecue, smoke, char, baste and brush your way to great outdoor cooking". this is adam perry lang. he's the co-owner of daisy may's barbecue usa in new york and is -- and adam, this is artie lange. i'm here to devour your food. >> i smell a theme, is jessica lange coming here? >> you know what? we actually did try and she said no. >> she's a vegan. >> this guy, adam, is unbelievable. i know people think they know how to barbecue, but this is serious high-level barbecue. this is serious stuff. >> anybody can do it too. >> i think it would be a fun thing, adam, if you showed us some stuff to use. normally on the shows, they do a recipe and then they throw it in the thing and you don't see what

happened. but give us some tips on -- >> tips and tricks. we have to oil your grill. people take a towel with oil. that's okay do. >> that's what i've been doing wrong. >> this is the way to get flavor and make it nonstick. a piece of smoked bacon. score the top. >> you do it. >> you know, people used to get sliced bacon up. where would people -- >> rub the grill. >> where would people get bacon like this? >> you can order it from any ethnic store -- >> you mean black when you say that? oh, all right. all right. you rub that -- >> that's one trick. >> and then you can eat it after which is great. >> oh, we will. believe me. >> really? we better be able to or else you get punched in the face. [ laughter ] >> next thing is seasoning the steak. season really aggressively. a lot of salt and pepper because it rubs off on the grill and put it right over the flame. don't be scared about the flames. just go with it. >> a lot of people will take a little squirter and put those

flames out. >> no, i don't like that. the next thing is, you know, the local hardware store. look at how incredible this sauce thing is. for painting. it has a disposable liner. it has a little magnet for your brush. >> let me see that. that's the gayest i think i have ever seen. >> that's okay. >> with the brush -- >> that is incredible to you. that is essentially a bucket with a handle on it. that i like. >> so fill it with apple juice. >> can you use the same one that you use for the garden? >> only use this for this, brand new. >> that looks like one of the flame throwers the guys had at iwo jima. >> all right. >> next little trick, this is developing flavor. we'll use the pork ribs. i'll let you do a little bit of work too. sweet, pork ribs, use your favorite barbecue sauce. choose whatever you want, a little bit of chopped shallots, parsley. whatever you can grate.

i take a microplane grater. >> when do we eat? >> it's coming. garlic. >> it's got to cook first. >> make your board over here. >> all right. >> that's what i want, a burger. >> my parents are here, actually. no, don't encourage them. don't encourage them. my parents cook everything until it -- has the consistency of plywood. they cook everything -- the barbecue, they have -- what do you think, artie? [ laughter ] >> i don't know -- >> remember -- >> are we going to get swine flu? >> no, that's beef. >> the last time we saw artie he was gnawing on a bone. and then he blew away. what are you doing there, adam? >> you mix that there. >> orange marmalade or whatever you like. apricot. >> put the -- whoa.

>> can someone get me a whore? [ laughter ] >> artie, my mother is right next to you. >> i didn't mean her. [ laughter ] >> oh, okay. she's a classy woman. >> there's good stuff. >> after you cut it, put it into the dressing. >> all right. give that to my parents. dad, you try that. and see what you think. >> let's see that bucket thing again. >> mom, you try this and see what you think. >> what do you think, like that? >> with the knife -- watch your eye. >> thank you very much. >> i feel like joe pesci in "good fellas". i need this. >> this is good stuff. you have to have one of the ribs. >> good stuff. this is the best night of my life. >> you have to try this over here. >> so adam, again, if people want to know how to do all this stuff, obviously we won't teach them everything here. but your book is called -- i'm eating here. this is how professional i am. "serious barbecue", it is great book about barbecuing.

if not, don't bother buying it, it's not for children. adam perry lang. pick up adam's book "serious barbecue" in stores now and visit daisy may's barbecue usa in new york and carnevino in las vegas. >> and remember to buy "too fat to fish". >> of course, "too fat to fish". we'll be right back with music from no doubt. ♪ ♪ once you've dealt with the things that come between you...

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got it. the ridiculously long lasting gum. stride sweet berry.

they are on tour this summer. hopefully coming to a town near

you. here with the song "it's my life", no doubt. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ it's funny how i found myself in love with you ♪ ♪ if i could buy my reasoning i'd pay to lose ♪ ♪ one half won't do i've asked myself ♪ ♪ how much do you commit yourself ♪ ♪ well, it's my life don't you forget ♪

♪ it's my life it never ends ♪ ♪ funny how i blind myself i never knew ♪ ♪ if i was sometimes played upon ♪ ♪ afraid to lose i'd tell myself what good do you do ♪ ♪ convince myself it's my life

♪ don't you forget it's my life it never ends ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i asked myself how much do you commit yourself ♪ ♪ it's my life don't you forget ♪

♪ caught in the crowd it never ends ♪ ♪ it's my life don't you forget ♪ ♪ caught in the crowd it never ends ♪ ♪ it's my life oh, it's my life ♪ ♪ don't you forget don't you forget ♪ ♪ caught in the crowd caught in the crowd ♪ ♪ it never ends it never ends [ cheers and applause ]

when morning comes in the middle of the night... rooster crow. ...it affects your entire day. to get a good night's sleep, try 2-layer ambien cr. the first layer dissolves quickly to help you fall asleep. and unlike other sleep aids, a second dissolves slowly to help you stay asleep. when taking ambien cr, don't drive or operate machinery. sleepwalking, and eating or driving while not fully awake with memory loss for the event as well as abnormal behaviors such as being more outgoing or aggressive than normal, confusion, agitation and

halluciations may occur. don't take it with alcohol as it may increase these behaviors. allergic reactions such as shortness of breath, swelling of your tongue or throat may occur and in rare cases may be fatal. side effects may include next-day drowsiness, dizziness, and headache. in patients with depression, worsening of depression, including risk of suicide may occur. if you experience any of these behaviors or reactions contact your doctor immediately. wake up ready for your day-ask your healthcare provider for 2-layer ambien cr. i want to thank artie lange and great chef adam perry lang. i want to thank dwyane wade, cousin sal. apologize to matt damon. thanks to state farm, you can see the guys this summer on their north american tour, playing us off the air, no doubt! ♪ don't let it go away, this feeling has got to stay ♪ ♪ don't let it go away this