finally tonight, michael jackson's doctor, dr. conrad murray may soon face charges as early as this week. murray is scheduled to appear in los angeles superior court on friday. he deniesed administering any dg that could have killed jackson. we'll continue to monitor the story in the days ahead. that's our report for tonight. for all of us at abc news, good night, america. >> jimmy: hello, i'm jim kimmel with tonight's big giant question. which item from qudoba's new grill is the tastiest choice? i'm joined by guillermo and yehya, a guy i met on the street. >> hi.

>> jimmy: hello, gentleman. guillermo, which craft two menu item tastes the best? >> i like naked taco salad because it is delicious, fresh, and i like to eat tacos naked watching tv. >> jimmy: yehya? >> i like the grilled quesadilla. >> jimmy: the what? >> the grilled k eeddiaw. it's best, healthy, give me power. >> i'm right, you're wrong. >> no, i'm right. >> no, i'm right. >> jimmy: ladies, please, please. you are both right, and you're both wrong. i'm tell you why. the craft two menu allows you to mix and match two smaller portioned menu items. you can get two in one. you get to embrace your indecision, fellas. >> so, does that mean we've been arguing for no reason? >> jimmy: si.

>> jimmy kimmel, you're a tricky guy. >> no, he's not. >> yes, he is. >> no, he's not. >> jimmy: back to you, wolf. >> dicky: to learn more about qdoba mexican grill's craft two menu, and to play the craft your life game for a chance to win a free craft two, visit qdoba.com. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live," back if two minutes with nick joe ya, demetri martin and dr. phil mcgraw.

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>> dic >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- dr. phil mcgraw. nick jonas. and comedian demetri martin.

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" and now, how'd this happen? here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. i'm jimmy, and i'm -- guess what? great news. you all made it to hollywood! [ applause ] the good lord has given us a new episode of "american idol" tonight. the audition process is complete. the country has been scoured again.

it's like when they dredge the ocean for fish. pretty soon, all the good singers are going to be extinct and we'll have to start importing them from mexico, like we did with guillermo. one of the weird things they do on the show is, they get the families involved. sometimes they bring a sister, or a kid into the audition room, which makes it very uncomfortable, if they get the boot. but they do it anyway. last night, a young hopeful named tory kelly brought a 7-year-old relative, her niece or what it was. aparentally this kid hope is such a big fan of the show, she made gifts for each of the judges. did you see this? >> hope was more interested in meeting the judges, and made a beeline for the table. >> oh, wow, is that for me? wow. that is so cool. >> so sweet. >> simon -- >> good artist. >> you did these yourself? you did this yourself? >> oh, how cute. i love this color. >> jimmy: very talented.

i suspect she had help with that, but -- [ cheers and applause ] part of -- part of the fun of "american idol" is rooting for the underdogs, the hard luck stories, the sick people, the people with terrible hair cuts. and it can get a little bit numbering, seeing it night after night. but one of the inspiring stories tonight, i have to admit, kwind of blew me away. >> people come to this show to change their lives, to turn their luck around. i think this next contestant could use a little bit of that. >> i'm parker griffin, i'm 22 years old, from lancing, michigan. about a year ago, my dad and i went on a fishing trip. he was supposed to be back before dinner. about 9:00, we got a phone call saying that he got ate to death by a crocodile. on the way back from his funeral, my mother, she -- she was driving her convertible

under an overpass and somebody threw a bucket at her head. it hit so hard that they had to bury her in the bucket. so, now i take care of my sister who has jerome syndrome, which is a very rare condition where your arms and legs are mixed up. makes a lot of things very difficult. she knows she's different. i try to tell her she's like everybody else, but she knows. the only thing that really makes her phappy is when i sing to he. if i can make it to "idol," i can pay for her surgery. today is the most important day of my life. >> what is your name? >> i'm parker, and i will be singing "i will survive." >> all right, cool. ♪ at first i was afraid ♪ i was petrified ♪ >> thanks a lot. it was a terrible version of the

song. >> honey, it's not going to work out. >> look, the whole thing is terrible. >> tiptoe that way. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's a shame. really. i'm tearing up, i really am. our president, president obama, is getting more angry criticism today. boy, this guy can't get a break. apparently he told a group of high school kids in new hampshire and a quote, when times are tough, you tighten your belts, you don't blow a bunch of cash in vegas when you are trying to save for college. you prioritize and needless to say, people in vegas are is up jet. the major of las vegas said the

president is not welcome in las vegas, and if he does come, he'll do everything he can to kick him out of the city. well -- i'm from vegas, i grew up there, my family lives there. and kicking the president out seems to be extreme. i agree, though. how dare the president tell high school kids not to blow their college money in las vegas. we're in a recession right now. what about siegfried? what about roy? w what about their tigers? this is what you tell high school kids? don't blow your college fund in vegas? without those college funds, who is going to take care of the hypnotists? donnie, marie, and who is going to take care of the hookers, president obama? [ applause ] governor spitzer, is that his job now? is that his responsibility? here's another good idea, kids.

don't smoke. never smoke. let all the tobacco farmers in north carolina starve because you won't spend your education money on cigarettes. mr. president, on behalf of the city of las vegas, i demand you retract that statement. this nation was built on high school kids gambling away their college funds. i did it myself, because i did, i had no money to get a decent education, and guess where i was forced to go to college? that's right, the university of nevada at las vegas, so -- [ applause ] viva las vegas and god bless the united states of america. good night, everyone. [ applause ] all right, i'm finished now. also, feeling some heat today, obama chief of staff rahm emanuel who used an offensive word to describe liberal

democrats. what word did he use? >> the word retarded. >> jimmy: that's right. he called them retarded. he apologized today to the head of the special olympics and to snooki from "jersey shore." this is -- don't ask, don't tell, could be a thing of the past, very soon. the chairman of the joint chiefs of staff,ed a miral michael mullen says he believes gays should serve in the military, all gaips, whether they want to or not. meanwhile, say what you want about our vice president, joe biden, you cannot say the guy isn't up on pop culture, as he proved in an interview right off the oscar nominations. >> you've been a very busy man. do you and mrs. biden get to the movies? >> yeah, as a matter of fact we do. and i think the, one of the odds on favorite, jill didn't go with

me, is this, this new program that i looked at it, wished i was seeing it in 3d, you sit there and you watch this science fiction thing unfold in front of you -- >> "avatar?" >> jimmy: thanks, grandpa. that's what rahm emanuel may call avatarded. on that topic, tyra banks had quite a show today. you remember that time she had the woman with two have a gviva? of course you do. how do you top that? >> tomorrow on "tyra." remember her? lauren was born with two vaginas.

and she's not the only one. five women, ten vaginas. tomorrow on "tyra." [ applause ] >> jimmy: that was today. you know, i have to admit i've been worried about oprah leaving us, but you know what, i think we're going to be okay. ten vaginas. is that the tyra show or the tiger show? [ applause ] see, because he loves sex. big news from our old pals in iran. they've made a major leap forward with their space program. the president of iran, mahmoud ah-members only jacket, seen here, announced yesterday that they launched a rocket into space with live cargo on board. there's a mouse, a turtle and some worms on the rocket. ahmadinejad say the scientific arena is where we will defeat the west's domination. you know, when i was 8, my friend paul caplan and i glued a

cockroach to a bottle jokt and shot it over his fence. and they have already purr pa surpassed that with this. tonight, we are fortunate enough to have their animal astronauts with us live from space. there they are. hello. hello iranian space pets. can you hear me? >> yes, hello! >> we hear you. >> who is talking? i have no eyes. >> jimmy: it me, it's jimmy kimmel from the united states. i do a television show here. how is the say yaj going? >> it is perfect and flawless, like everything to come out of iran. >> i thought it was kind of bumpy. >> flawless! >> jimmy: i don't want to get into an argue sment. what experiments are you doing up there right now? >> up where? >> jimmy: in space. in space.

>> we're in space? >> jimmy: yeah. >> like, outer space? >> jimmy: yeah. you're in outer space. >> oh my god! i'm a worm! i'm an earthworm! i need to be on earth! i can't be -- >> shut up, worm! you are an officer in the iranian army. >> but i'm -- >> breathe! in and out. say your mantra. >> my mantra. death to america. death to america. >> there you go. >> jimmy: there you go. all right. so if this works out, are there plans to send iranian humans into space? >> humans? in space? you can't put humans in space. >> jimmy: yes, you can. we've done it. >> no, you haven't. >> jimmy: yes, we have. >> no, you vice president. death to america. death to america. >> death to america! >> jimmy: all right, well -- well, thank you, space animals,

for talking to us. >> death to america! death to america! >> jimmy: space animals. they put animals in space. one more thing. science-wise. maybe even bigger news than that. a huge leap forward in the world of artificial companionship. an inventor in new jersey has unveiled a robot with which you can have sex. wouldn't that be the saddest christmas gift ever? we thought you would use this. i don't want to come off as ant anti-technology, but whatever happened to drilling a hole in a watermelon? if it was good enough for my grandfather, by god -- i have to admit, it is interesting. when i was -- when i was a kid, i had a major crush on the maid from "the jetsons." this one's name is roxie, and

she's life like. >> a gal named roxie will have sex any time you want. it's true. only one catch. she's not human. inventor unveiled the talking sex robot in las vegas last month. she comes with five personalities, voice recognition. her skin is made out of silicone. rexie will be available in six months. >> i feel very plastic. >> jimmy: we have a good show tonight. nick jonas is here. demetri martin is with us, and we'll be right back with dr. phil mcgraw, so stick around. ( ) hey everybody. ( conversation continues ) ( engine revs, crash ) hey everybody!!! whooooaaaa.

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discover the beauty and comfort of skin relief. >> jimmy: hi there, we're back. welcome back. with us on the show, a real life jonas brother who is going it alone now with a new solo cd called "who i am." nick jonas is here tonight. he was part of that "we are the world" shoot the other night. we'll ask him about that. later on tonight, comedy from a

funny guy whose program has its second season premiere tomorrow night, demetri martin is here. tomorrow night on the show, eric dane, court knee kardashian and the bravery. on friday, ozzy osbourne and barry manly low, together again. that would be a good reality show, by the way. ozzy and barry trapped in an elevator together. and forced to deal with it. our first guest reaches over 6 million patients a day on his daytime talk show, many of whom believe he is talking directly to them through their tv sets. you can watch him knock sense into the senseless every weekday in syndication. here he is, the reason for all the screaming teenage girls tonight, dr. phil mcgraw. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: how are you? >> well, i can tell you already, i've never felt so guilty for talking so slow like we do in texas because they're waiting for the jonas boy to come out here and here i am. >> jimmy: yeah. maybe if we had some sex robots to tide them over. where do you stand on the sex robot? is that a healthy thing? >> gee, i don't know. i never really thought about it until tonight. expect you to talk about a sex robot. >> jimmy: are you telling me that you didn't lay in bed dreaming there would be a sex robot? >> no, and who told you that? >> jimmy: i've been reading your thoughts. >> my mother is watching this show. >> jimmy: i'm very sorry. i heard you're about to become a grandfather. >> i am. how about that? >> jimmy: we should clean it up, i guess. >> here's the deal. i raised two boys.

robin and i raised two boys, jay and jordan. and we never had any girls. never been around little girls. i have no idea what to do with a little girl. >> jimmy: you're having a little girl. >> what do you do when they cry? i'm -- this is it for me. >> jimmy: have the sex robot watch them. >> i can do that. >> jimmy: you don't have to do anything. you buy them toys and give them everything they're not allowed to have and torment your sons. that's what you do. >> i have said, and every parent knows this, they always say, boy, when you grow up and have kids, revenge. robin talked just the other day. when jay was like a year and a half old, he threw a fit in a restaurant, he's throwing his biscuits, screaming, crying. she told him, when you're 16, i'm going to get you for this. and now, with him having a baby coming, we're going to sit back and see how it goes. >> jimmy: you've given him a reprieve for several years. >> i have. but now -- they are getting

close. we're five weeks away. erica looks wonderful. everything is going well. >> jimmy: she does. she was in playboy magazine, your son's wife. as a father, that's got to make you very happy, right? >> go jay. yeah. >> jimmy: unless -- unless your granddaughter takes after mom. then it makes you unhappy. >> all depends. we're excited about it all the way. >> jimmy: you mean about the girlfriend -- the wife in ployboy, right? >> we're excited about the granddaughter. get your mind up out of the gutter. that's why you don't have any friends. >> jimmy: you're probably right. speaking of people that don't have any friends. there was a woman on your show recently involved in this thing called farmville. you guys -- >> we are so old. i mean -- did you know about farmville before they talked

about it? >> jimmy: well, not that farmville, no. >> farmville is a game on the internet where you have virtual crops and virtual cows and virtual barns, and these people are getting addicted to it. they get up in the middle of the night to water their virtual crops with unreal water. and shovel unreal crap, i guess, i don't know. i think it's -- i think it's crazy. >> jimmy: this woman who really -- >> totally consumed by it. kids couldn't get her off the computer, they are flunking out of school. used to be, the dog ate my homework. now, my mother was in farmville. what can i tell you? >> jimmy: how did you get her off there? >> unplug it. send me the power cord. you're cured. i mean, come on. >> jimmy: has she been -- do you follow up? >> i'm certain she hasn't. >> jimmy: who is taking care of her farm? >> i said, you're worried about

the crops right now, aren't you? and she had a friend take care of them while she was gone. don't you love that you can get on the internet? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> the show we have tomorrow is about technology. a guy spent 15 years in prison for a rape he did not commit and because of dna technology, he walked out scott free after 15 years for a crime he did not commit. >> jimmy: wow. >> and it's -- you know, i've done a lot of shows, you know, we've done 1700 shows or something already, and very few of them stick out, but this one stuck out for me because the woman that he was accused and convicted of raping, and the man meet on stage for the first time. >> jimmy: really? >> a and they get married? >> ah, no. >> jimmy: that would be something, though. what a slap in the face to "the

bachelor" that would be if those two got married. >> only in farmville would they get married. not at all. >> jimmy: the show's been on for -- how long? >> well, we're in our eighth year. >> jimmy: yeah. what's going on with you and dr. oz? hate him? know him? >> why would i hate him? >> jimmy: because there's oprah, who is our angel, watching over all of us. >> i love oprah. >> jimmy: but especially you and dr. oz. she didn't choose dr. drew and dr. dre. >> well, not that we treat oprah, but if we did, we would treat different things. if your feelings are hurt, i'm your guy. >> jimmy: dr. oz has seen her naked. >> that's knowledge that you will possess to your grave. you keep talking this way, it could be soon. >> jimmy: soon. i'll be hit by a lightning bolt. >> it could happen soon.

>> jimmy: did you get oprah a gift for her birthday? >> i sang happy birthday to her in an e-mail. >> jimmy: you did? technology really is amazing. how do you sing in an e-mail? >> what do you buy oprah for her birthday? a country? >> jimmy: i don't know, dr. oz got her something. i guarantee he got her something? >> i sang to her in an i mall and i'm a good e-mail singer. i'll sing you a little song. >> jimmy: that would be lovely. november 13th, keep it in mind. >> last time i saw you, you were with my wife, actually. >> jimmy: that's right. we shot a video for your christmas party. >> yeah, and i remember the last thing she said was, can i run my fingers through your hair? >> jimmy: yeah. she love s hair. >> apparently. >> jimmy: you should get, you know, you should get some. maybe oprah could hook you up with that.

wave over you and suddenly you'd be like, you know, donald trump or something. >> don't you think i would look weird with hair? >> jimmy: you would. you get used to people. >> because you do. just kidding. >> jimmy: you're right, you're right. when he's right, he's right. he's dr. phil. great to see you. thank you for copping. please give my love to your wife. congratulations on the new baby. dr. phil's show, weekdays, check your local listings. we'll be right back with nick jonas. what's taking you so long? (girl) i can't pick a restaurant in all these links. stop messing around - just use bing. oh wow, this is kin cool. now find someplace da. (girl) dim lighting it is. perfect. (girl) oh this one's really close by. great ratings too.

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find boost in the nutrition isle. brand power. helping you buy better. >> jimmy: we're back. demetri martin is on the way. our next guest is one third of the worldwide entertainment juggernaut known to real fans as the jo-bros. his latest cd is all on his own. it's called "who i am." please say hello to nick jonas. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: how is everything? >> very good, how are you doing? >> jimmy: i'm doing well, thank you. this is -- very big week for you, you had the -- well, you had the grammys, the new album came out, black history month, of course. you're about to be a grandfather. oh, wait, that's -- i think that's a leftover question from dr. phil. but really, though, i mean -- it's -- you know, what -- how do you get excited from here on? >> it's been incredible. "we are the world" was special. unbelievable to be apart of that, 25th anniversary, helping haiti. >> jimmy: the original, you were like, negative 8 when that came out. >> basically. celine dion in front of me -- tony bennett. but the part you need to look at, maybe it is in this picture, is that vince vaughn was there. right there.

and so we get there, we're standing next to harry connick jr. and vince vaughn. this guy really tall in front of me and i'm going to stand back, keep quiet because the talent there is far beyond -- >> jimmy: it's heavy. >> i just wanted to stay quiet and be in the back. i see vince vaughn's head, i'm like, oh, my gosh. i didn't know you sung. >> jimmy: does he? >> no. he doesn't sing. >> jimmy: i feel kind of sorry for vince, because there is always -- there is always somebody in the -- people go, like, why is he in there, people get mad. >> i'm glad he's there, though. >> jimmy: somebody asked him to be in it, he said yeah, sure. he wouldn't say no. >> he's hilarious. he and harry connick jr. had this very interesting relationship. >> jimmy: what are you trying to say? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: first of all, i should say that i feel -- i don't know how to say this, but i'm sorry

you got kicked out of the band. >> pretty frustrating. my own brothers. >> jimmy: a fight? jealousy involved? is that what happened? why did you decide to embark on your own? >> this project came about i was writing songs that weren't really right for the jonas brothers sound. >> jimmy: that means they didn't like them? >> that just means that, you know, the sound was a bit different and it was more my roots as an artist and a musician. i sat down with these guys in this band and made this record. >> jimmy: i don't know, man. this is what michael told tito and jermaine. >> what's interesting, when we hear people talk about the breakup rumor, it makes us latch because we have a tv show coming up next week, we start for about four and a half months and after that, another tour so it is still very busy. >> jimmy: but it's a natural thing for people to ask about, and to assume. >> it is. the support of the fans has been amazing. it's been a bit of a shock. i'm so glad they are happy.

>> jimmy: some of the guys in your band were in prince's band. >> a lot of the guys. three out of the four guys. >> jimmy: they must be so disappointed in the afterparties. because you're partying like it's 1959, you know? i mean, really. >> hilarious. >> jimmy: don't worry, you'll loosen up. >> a little bit. >> jimmy: your brother gets married, so that whole virginity thing is o-u-t, right? did you call him the next day and go -- so? no? >> i just let him have his time, enjoy it. >> jimmy: that's probably for the best. >> yeah, think so. >> jimmy: back to this "we are the world" thing. i -- you were in the same room

with lil' wayne, right? >> yes. actually. >> jimmy: that's dangerous. >> my favorite part of the whole thing is i heard they told me they wanted him to sing the bob dylan part, which, as we all know is an interesting part of the song. it's different. exactly. so they told him we want you to sing this part and he said, "i can't sing." well, exactly. >> jimmy: perfect. this is -- nick jonas as bob dylan can't sing. >> jimmy: they asked you? >> i got to sing the billy joel part. >> jimmy: did you have to call billy, say, listen, man. >> i wish i could call billy. >> jimmy: there's no calling billy. >> did you call billy joel? >> jimmy: you could call billy joel. >> i don't know about that. >> jimmy: let's call billy right

now. do we -- we don't have -- we don't have his phone number. i bet if we kept dialing we'd get to him eventually. congratulations on all your success. i know you've been doing the secret shows where you tweet and then, you cause a riot, right? >> yeah, the thing is to tweet it and have them show up and support and listen to an ape kus tick set of the songs. the twitter, it's been amazing to reach out to the fans. it is interesting when you say, oh, you were just outside of my house. i didn't even tweet the location. they're all like. >> jimmy: i'm trying to sleep. there you go. nick jonas an the administration. that's the album. "who i am." in stores now. be right back with demetri martin. so what are you going to have?

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>> jim >> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny man from the much-ma leaned jersey shore. you can see his very funny show "important things with demetri martin" starting tomorrow and every thursday night at 10:00 on comedy central. please say hello to demetri martin. >> thank you. thank you, audience. i'm demetri. these are some of my jokes. it's really weird. when a woman is mean, sometimes people say she's a witch. but if a guy's mean, they'll never say, that guy's a wizard. man, dave seems like a warlock.

yeah. like that, jimmy? i brought a tambourine. i was in a restaurant, and they had a sign that said "restroom kwr customers only," and i thought, must suck to work there. one time i ate way too much stuffing, and i thought, this is uncomfortable but it seems really appropriate. i was in an airport, and i saw a lady wearing sweat pants, said "gap" on the back. i was like -- right. ♪

sometimes i'll start a sentence with, "i'm not racist, but --" and i'll say something like, you look great today. and they'll be like, that wasn't racist at all. i'll be like, yeah, i know, i said i'm not racist. you never listen. typical italian. i'm just kidding, i don't think italians are bad listeners. i think they're good listeners. not all italians, though, that would be racist. the right amount of italians are good listeners. ♪

i met people who are passive aggressive. but i never met anyone who was aggressive passive. i don't want tacos -- maybe. i never went bungee jumping. the closest i did, i was born. i think the best thing of everything ever of all time is exaggeration. definitely. no, wait, i like second guessing better. ♪ i was talking to my friend, and he said, i like becky as a person, and i said, hey, man,

thanks for being specific. i wasn't sure what you meant when you said becky. does he like her as a pack back? what are we talking about here? i like it when becky gets on my back and holds books for me. she's a pretty good backpack. when you die from a piano falling on your head, i wonder if there's a moment where you look up and you're like, "seriously?" i had a mouse in my apartment once. it was like having a really terrible roommate. i was like, who crapped on the spoons? i'm going to kill him. it's really weird. strobe lights cause seizures in some people. and we still have strobe lights. how'd that work out?

listen, i know you might swallow your tongue, but these guidos need to party. ♪ thanks, everybody. >> jimmy: nicely done. demetri martin. we'll be (announcer) you can make a bigger difference in the world.

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♪ sometimes you need a smile ♪ a friend can make you smile ♪ bruce the funny dog >> you're drinking again? >> we're going to lose the house. >> maybe we can't afford to have this baby. not now, bruce. >> damn it, bruce! ♪ bruce the funny dog >> jimmy: "important things with demetri martin" premieres tomorrow night. very funny, very creative, also. i like it a lot. >> thanks, jimmy. >> jimmy: my son, he's cool. he likes it, too. that's a real endorsement for you. >> i appreciate you having me on tonight. >> jimmy: great to have you here. you're living in l.a. now, right? first season of th