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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  March 27, 2010 12:05am-1:05am EDT

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our closing argument tonight. the 2008 republican ticket appeared together today for the first time since the presidential campaign. you see there, former alaskan governor sarah palin takie stag
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in support of john mccain. he's facing strong opposition in the republican primary and hoping palin will give him a boost. today, she blasted what she called the lame stream media. they both talked about a republican party on the rise. mccain may have brought her onto the national stage, but tonight we'd like to ask you, has sarah palin now become the defacto leader of the republican party? tell us what you think by clicking on the "nightline" page at abcnews.com or on the "nightline" twitter page. that is our report for tonight. for all of us at abc news, good night, america, have a great weekend. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. on the show tonight, from "the marriage ref," tom papa. we have music from manchester orchestra. and from "inglourious basterds," academy award winner christoph
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waltz. >> during his time at the lee strasburg institute, he embraced the meisner technique, which helped him to discover subtext through repetition. >> now, i give you an example. the word dill pickle. dill pickle. dill pickle. dill pickle. dill pickle. dill pickle. so, you see what i'm trying to get. >> jimmy: i think we know why he won the oscar. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes. vo: old navy super search!
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from "the marriage ref," tom papa. a special appearance by donald trump. and music from manchester orchestra. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" and now, guess what? here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm your tiny little friend inside the television. thank you, cleto. wow. what a program we've got for you tonight.
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i'm glad you're enthusiastic. tonight we've got groping, we've got tickle, simon cowell's nipples. you name it. everyone in our audience tonight is going home with simon cowell's nipples, so, congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] it was another punishing night of "american idol." why do we do this to ourselves? tonight, the men sang, and they sang poorly, for the most part. they don't need four judges. what they need on the show is a gong, because we're a pit full of starving crocodiles, or choco-diles, either one. do you think crock dimes find that word racist? i bet they do. anyway, this "american idol," it's gotten to the point where the judges are having trouble coming up with ways to tell people they're bad. there are only so many times you can say "it was pitchy, dog," without people killing you. and he's found those, but now, what randy appears to be doing is, whatever simon says about a singer, like, two singers later
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randy repeats some version of it. it's "simon says" in a way. these are all from last night. >> i still haven't heard the right song connection yet. >> i just didn't feel the right connection. >> it was all a bit ploddy, a bit boring. >> to me, like, the song is a little boring. >> it was kind of like request night on a friday night in a restaurant. >> we're at a banquet, going to have the chicken, the beef, or the shrimp? >> that didn't have the wow factor. >> i'm not sure there was a wow moment in it. >> jimmy: see what i mean? [ applause ] it's ridiculous. and let me tell you, if randy starts speaking with an english accent, that is absolutely -- i'm out. every once in awhile they have all the contestants do what they call a group sing. they get them together, they humiliate them. the last group sing was to the tune of the black eyed peas song "i got a feeling."
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and, well, i just don't know who it is that finds this entertaining. ♪ round and round ♪ up and down ♪ around the clock ♪ i've got a feeling ♪ that tonight's gonna be a good night ♪ >> jimmy: how do you go on to be a rock star after that? you can't. imagine if you had a video of axl rose doing that as a teenager, he'd be destroyed. there would have never been a guns and roses. i know they like to get everyone together to sing, but i have a s suggestion that might work for everybody. instead of a peppy uptempo pop song, have them sing something edgy, like, well, like this. ♪ i got a feeling ♪ that i'll be sacrificing a goat tonight ♪ ♪ i'll be wore shiching the dark lord tonight ♪ ♪ i'll be eating some human remains tonight ♪ ♪ the time is right ♪ let's drink some blood ♪ let's snap some cats ♪ we shall kill
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♪ we shall kill ♪ eat your heart ♪ eat your brains ♪ kill mom and pop ♪ i got a feeling ♪ you're gonna be my food tonight ♪ ♪ i'm about to kill you and your friends tonight ♪ ♪ that i'm gonna chop off your arms tonight ♪ ♪ kill ♪ kill ♪ kill ♪ kill ♪ kill kill kill kill kill ♪ kill ♪ blood [ applause ] >> jimmy: right? i think that's better. another very important reality show news, the city of miami reportedly will play host to the next season of "jersey shore" on mtv. from miami or jersey? if there's one thing miami's been lacking, it's half drunken idiots with spray tans.
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you know? [ laughter ] that will be something, "jersey shore." now when tony montana says, say hello to my little friend, he might be referring to snooki. place mrauls [ applause ] former democratic congressman from new york eric massa is all over the news today. he resigned on monday. nobody seems to know why. first, he said he resigned because he was sick. then, when it came out he had been accused of groping three young male staff members, he changed his story and said he was forced out for not cooperating with the white house on health care. glenn beck had him on his show last night. outcrazying glenn beck is like outsexing tiger woods, so -- somehow -- [ applause ] somehow this guy, massa, managed to do it. and here's his version of the alleged groping. >> now they're saying i groped a male staffer. yeah, i did. not only did i grope him, i tick med him until he couldn't breathe and four guys jumped on top of me.
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it was kill the old guy. >> jimmy: right. we've all done that. all had tickle fights with our male coworkers. we all played "kill the old guy." dick cheney used to play it with a gun, "kill the old guy." if you're wondering why we don't have health care, it's because there's too much tickling in congress. later that night on larry king, massa denied that he ever groped anyone and refused to answer this very direct question from larry. >> are you gay? >> well, here's that answer. i'm not going to answer that. in the year 2010, why don't you ask my wife? ask my friends. ask the 10,000 sailors i served with in the navy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: sure. maybe you should have stopped with the friends. by the way, a reporter did ask some of his old shipmates from the navy, and some said he was known for giving unwanted massages. one sailor said he found massa
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on the top bunk trying to unbutton his pants and, quote, snorkel him. now -- i don't know exactly what that means, but -- if you're tickling and snorkeling -- you probably have some explaining to do to your wife. tickling your employees is tricky. yes, as an employer, you have to do it, but -- how do you do it properly before a tickle becomes a grope? i don't know. fortunately, we dug up this instructional video that i hope can help. >> tickling is fun. but there are rules. welcome to "how to tickle in the workplace." meet joe. he loves to tickle. but sometimes his tickling goes too far. here are some simple guidelines for joe to follow. first, always get consent. using rope and duct tape is certainly no fun for the other
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guy, joe. second, keep those pants on. tickling is done with the hands, not with the mid-section. and last, stay away from the genitals. a foot or an arm should suffice if you want to stimulate laughter. so, there you go, joe. following these simple rules will make tickling fun for everyone. thanks for watching "how to tickle in the workplace." [ applause ] >> jimmy: all right, i feel better now. i know how to do it. new study today from the u.s. department of health. new statistics say 1 in 6 americans has herpes. and if they do another season of "rock of love" on vh1 it is expected to jump to 1 in 4. be really careful. this morning on cbs, harry smith, who hosts that show, underwent the first ever live television colonoscopy. i always wondered what his colon
quote
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looked like. so this was a real treat for me. they had a doctor there performing the procedure and katie couric over -- was overseeing it. she oversees all of those. anyway, while harry got the scope, katie was right there at his backside. >> it's happening right now live, so, we want to take you back now to katie who is standing by with harry. harry not going to be able to talk to us at this point, guys. >> well, harry is actually doing well. he said, just said to me, this makes me really happy. >> jimmy: well, why wouldn't it? [ laughter ] cbs made a very big deal out of this procedure. they've been promoting it nonstop for a week, and pardon the expression, but they really pulled out all the stops. >> today on "the early show." for the first time ever, directed by james cameron, in imax 3d, we send a camera into harry smith -- >> it's happening right now.
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[ laughter ] >> and along the way, we make some very good friends. james cameron's harry smith's colonoscopy. followed by kathryn bigelow's mammogram with julie chen. only on the cbs "early show." >> jimmy: well, that's -- [ applause ] it probably cost only $1 billion. there's more trouble for toyota. today, a woman in new york claims her prius accelerated out of control in her driveway and caused her to run into a wall. my aunt fran did that without any accelerator problems, so this could be a great excuse for crappy drivers. this is fresh on the hills of that prius that accelerated in san diego and had to be stopped by highway patrol. i don't know. you know, motion is relative.
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maybe toyotas aren't speeding out of control. maybe the world is slowing out of control. toyota still doesn't have a definitive fix for the problem, but if you bring your car in, they will turn up the volume on your horn for free. [ laughter ] walmart is another company that's subject of some criticism. at one of their stores, they were selling black barbies for half the price of white barbies. they were. some people were upset. walmart explained it had nothing to do with race. the reason it's less expensive is because the white barbie is much harder to find after they melted thousands of them down to build heidi montag. so, i said -- [ applause ] you know what? i say, it shouldn't matter whether you're black or white at all. as long as you have huge breasts, long legs and a biologically impossible hip to waist ratio, that's what matters, kinds. we have a new segment tonight.
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our security guards adolina and peggy rose, they work in the building here, and they don't like each other much. so, we asked them tonight to debate this barbie controversy in a new segment we call "hot buttons." enjoy. >> welcome to "hot buttons." the show where i and her discuss hot button issues. >> today's topic is, should black barbie dolls be cheaper than white barbie dolls? yes. >> hell no. that's just [ bleep ] up. why would you think that? just look at barbie. she's black, she's beautiful. and look at this slut with her legs open. >> well, mine is blond. her hair is silky. her dress is peaches and cream. >> what are you saying? you have to have silky hair to be beautiful? >> yeah, sure, why not? >> you know why? i don't have silky curly hair and i'm gorgeous. >> that's what she thinks. anyway, my -- >> pardon me?
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what did you just say? >> you heard me. >> if you ever touch my barbie again, i will take my foot and stick it so far in your ass you'll be [ bleep ] black barbie for the rest of the year. i hate you. >> that's what you say. >> jimmy: thank you. thank you, ladies. we have a great show tonight. from "the marriage ref," tom papa is here. we have music from manchester orchestra. and we'll be right back with orchestra. and we'll be right back with christoph waltz. let's take a l. mini has more than double the fiber and whole grain... making him a great contender in this bout... against mid-morning hunger. honey nut cheerios is coming in a little short. you've got more whole grain in your little finger! let's get ready for breakfaaaaaaaaaast!
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>> jimmy: hi there. thank you for returning to join us. tonight with us on the program,
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a funny man, he has a new show created by jerry seinfeld, and it's called "the marriage ref." tom papa is here. then, later on from atlanta -- this is their latest album, "mean everything to nothing," manchester orchestra from the bud light golden wheat stage. they're not really an orchestra, though. tomorrow night on the show, music from gin and our guests are nicole richie, chad ochocinco, chuck liddell and dax shepard. so join us for that. also, this saturday night at 10:00 here on abc, an encore presentation of the "jimmy kimmel live: after the academy awards special." featuring robert downey jr., keith urban, the handsome men's club and our next guest, too. so please tune in for that. our first guest is a superb actor from austria. he won an oscar this weekend and will probably be the next governor of california. you can see his award-winning performance as colonel hans landa in quentin tarantino's "inglourious basterds" which is
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out on dvd and blu-ray now. please say hello to christoph waltz. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: got to be a little bit strange -- i mean, really, a year ago in this country, very few people knew you and now you get a huge ovation from people, for playing a nazi. >> well, yes. >> jimmy: a likable nazi. congratulations on the academy award and all the other awards. >> thanks. >> jimmy: you won a lot. we counted today how many awards you've won for this movie. >> how many? >> jimmy: 28. 28.
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can you name them all? there was a golden globe in there, there was a, i think a s.a.g. award. >> i think somewhere in texas there's a critic's association that's only women. >> jimmy: i think you won a soul train award. [ laughter ] >> no. friends of mine sent me a text message on the day of the grammys and they said, with we think you should learn that from friends, and i got a little nervous. you will not win a grammy tonight. >> jimmy: and they were right. you didn't. that's the only one you didn't win. i tell you something, and i told you, i met you after the oscars, i said, i went to see that movie. that guy -- i didn't know who you were, but i said, he's going to win the academy award. and i was right again! >> thank you. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i like to credit
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myself for your academy award. >> well, thank you, thank you, yeah. >> jimmy: and, now, how long have you been here in california, particularly? >> i think -- i was born here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's incredible. >> no, but -- it's a long time. i came in -- last september and i was on a movie "green hornet" with seth rogen. >> jimmy: nice, oh, yeah. >> and seth, i really like him. he's a great guy. >> jimmy: he's fantastic. >> then i went home for two weeks or so over the holidays and i came back and now i pack up this house and have to leave and -- >> jimmy: you have to now -- you are now leaving your home country, huh? >> yes, and i'm -- i'm completely -- i'm desperate. >> jimmy: are you really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: desperate for what? >> i don't know. [ laughter ] coming back, i think. i will be back. i will be back in may and i'm glad. >> jimmy: well, in a way you've
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said, sorry, austria, i'm more popular in the united states now, and i'm leaving you. >> well, not exactly these words but -- >> jimmy: but the intent is certainly there. >> yes, and i made it clear. >> jimmy: are you comfortable here in the united states? do you know how to get around in l.a.? >> absolutely. i have this -- they gave me a car to use, which is lovely, and i have a navigator -- >> jimmy: you do? good. >> yes. and i override it because it always takes me to traffic jams. >> jimmy: wow, you are overriding that. i follow its every command. i will not -- >> no, no. i love the -- i love that it has various languages. >> jimmy: you speak how many languages? >> well, not all of those on tthe navigator. >> jimmy: not all of those. >> jimmy: so i had it on polish for awhile. >> jimmy: really? can it find its way? >> no, no. >> jimmy: it's from the '70s. [ applause ]
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>> and in a way i expected, you know, i expected -- i heard about all these different ethnic areas in los angeles. i thought if i switch it to korean, it will take me to koreatown. it might have, i don't know. >> jimmy: you don't know. you -- i got to meet oprah after you won. >> yes, i -- >> jimmy: are you aware of the significance of an event like that? [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you have oprah in austria? >> we have oprah in austria. >> jimmy: good. >> and she's still called oprah. >> jimmy: she is? >> yeah. i think she reigns the world. >> jimmy: she watches over us all. >> and we're safe. we're safe and it was lovely. it was lovely. it was in the same theater, in the kodak theater, and i thought, well, okay, kodak theater -- it was full. up all the way up to the last balcony, it was jam-packed with people. >> jimmy: oprah sells out a
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house. believe me. because if you don't, like, if there were empty seats, we would all die. there would probably be an earthquake or something. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's how it works here. >> well, it -- >> jimmy: you -- you were very nice to do -- to do something for us for our special after the oscars. it wasn't the oprah show, i know, but i know i'm not on in austria and revered there. in fact, i'm barely even liked here. >> now that might -- >> jimmy: hopefully now, because you did something -- a very special film for us, and -- how did your friends and family react to this? have they seen it? >> well, i -- i was quiet surprised. i spoke to my son, who lives in israel and he said, now, how about that der humpink? and he was kind of solemn. and i said, well, what about it? and he said, kind of embarrassing.
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>> jimmy: oh, really? what does your son do in israel? >> well, he studies a lot of things. and then he kind of specified, he said, well, of course a son would find that embarrassing if his father -- well, story, picked the wrong father. >> jimmy: well, for those who did not see it, we have it here in its unadulterated form. this is video -- i think this is better than "inglorious basterds," in a lot of ways. >> in a lot of ways. >> jimmy: this could win you the only award you haven't won, an emmy. here is christoph waltz with "der humpink." ♪ ♪ ya ya ya ya ♪ ya ya ya ya ♪ ya ya ya ya ♪ ya ya ya ya ♪ la la la la
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♪ la la la la ♪ ya ya ya ya ♪ ha ha ha ♪ der humpink ♪ ah, telephone ♪ der humpink ♪ guitar ♪ der humpink ♪ der humpink ♪ ya ya ya ♪ ya ya ya ♪ oh oh oh oh oh ♪ der humpink [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i have no idea why your son would be embarrassed by
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that. i tell you what. it's great to have you here and congratulations. if anyone ever deserved an academy award, it was you. for that movie. really fantastic. you can see it on blu-ray and dvd, it's called "inglourious basterds." by quentin tarantino. christoph waltz, everybody. we'll be right back with tom papa. ♪
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>> jimmy: >> jimmy: hi there, we're back. still to come, manchester orchestra will be here. you've seen our next guest on comedy central specials and the movies "analyze that" and "the informant." his new mission is to help bickering couples decide who is right and who is dumb on the new show "the marriage ref." you can watch it thursday nights on nbc. please welcome tom papa. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: how are you? >> good. >> jimmy: good to see you. >> so good to see you. i have been on a quest to come see you -- >> jimmy: you have? >> half my career. i've been trying to get here. >> jimmy: really? >> i swear. i really -- >> jimmy: it shouldn't have been that difficult, really. [ laughter ] >> there were a couple of times i was ready to do it, going to do standup and avril lavigne bumped me. >> jimmy: oh, you know what? she hates comedians. it's not you specifically. >> i was like, who, why? and then i had all these intersections where i worked with your sister doing standup -- >> jimmy: oh, you did. she told me about that. >> she was really funny. i met your father. your father hired me to do a gig for his company. >> jimmy: he did? >> i kept getting closer. and then, this is like, five years ago, i'm on a flight going back to new york and uncle frank is sitting behind me. >> jimmy: really? >> i swear. and he recognized me from doing
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other shows and kept telling me, i'm going to get you on the show. >> jimmy: wait a minute. >> you are funny, i'm getting you on the show. >> jimmy: he doesn't recognize me. he recognized you? >> i swear. i was with my wife and my baby and it was all crazy, and he's just going, i'm getting you on the show, you're funny. i'll get you on the show. >> jimmy: he does that sometimes, my uncle frank and he can't remember the name of the person. he's like, the guy. the guy who -- funny guy. >> right. he just barraged me for awhile, and then i wanted to be on the show but then he started getting a little much, kept tapping me on the shoulder, i'm going to get you on the show. >> jimmy: that's him. >> and he passed out, and i took a shot of him and i saved this for, like, five years. >> jimmy: wow. >> that's uncle frank sleeping on the plane. [ applause ] >> jimmy: he'll be delighted that you finally made it here. >> then he woke up and said,
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"who are you?" >> jimmy: well, good to have you here. i saw you on oprah. everyone has been on the show except me. i can't get on oprah. i've been stalking her uncle on the airplane, the whole thing, too. >> it was great. i loved it. >> jimmy: you did very well on the show. very funny on it. >> thanks. >> jimmy: i would imagine that's -- being in oprah's presence would be, well, really, i say on the show in general, you're very confident with the celebrities who are sometimes huge celebrities. >> yeah, yeah. it's -- i mean, you've gone this when you started your show, and you all of a sudden, tomorrow night, we have madonna, larry david and ricky gervais on one show. that's a lot of wattage, so i'm thinking, i just want to be cool, i want them to like me, but then they start going nuts on the set and i had to yell at them like they were my children. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. at one point i yelled, i thought i would never say this, but not now, madonna! you behave yourself!
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[ applause ] >> jimmy: madonna. i like that madonna is giving out marital advice. that seems -- >> well, you know, it's not -- it's advice but not advice. their job is to sway me and i ultimately say who is right or wrong in these fights. >> jimmy: how does your wife take that, that you get to be the -- well, the marriage ref? >> she -- you know, a lot of people -- first, it's a comedy show. it's not dr. phil, you know. if you want help, this is the wrong show. >> jimmy: i think dr. phil is, too, by the way. [ applause ] help is better taken off television. >> right. >> jimmy: these are petty disputes between couples. >> yeah, they fight over everything and they never end because it's the husband and the wife in it together. you need someone from the outside to come in and just end it. and that's my job. >> jimmy: you're the ender. >> and if you think about it, celebrities, we judge
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celebrities marriages all the time. >> jimmy: that's true. >> we look at them and we have our judges and make the call and all this. now, we're flipping it and regular people have madonna going, no, no, no, you're wrong. >> jimmy: that's got to be odd for them in their personal relationships. >> there's a point in tomorrow night's show where there's this guy, just like this guy from long island, and he's getting into it with madonna. and i'm on the set just thinking -- this is amazing television. when would you ever think madonna and this guy are just going to go? >> jimmy: she rarely fights with civilians. now, how long have you been married? >> i will be married tomorrow ten years. >> jimmy: oh, really? wow. [ applause ] happy anniversary. >> ten years. >> jimmy: and what is the plan? what does the marriage ref do with his bride on your anniversary? >> the marriage ref is going to have a horrible anniversary because we're shooting in new york, my wife and kids came to be with me in our apartment
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there, which is the size of a stamp, and everyone has the flu. >> jimmy: great. >> my wife has runny eyes, runny nose. the kids are sick. everybody's sick, so i think i'm just going to be in a hotel by myself. >> jimmy: really? you're going to go to a hotel? >> i don't know. i'm kind of conflicted, because i want to show that i love her, but i don't want to be there. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> can you do that on your tenth anniversary? you be my ref. >> jimmy: no, i think you'd be better off with the flu, because the flu is going to be over in, like, five days. sleeping in a hotel while your wife is sick with the kinds in the apartment -- that's something you'll hear about for the rest of your life. >> you're right. so just go in. >> jimmy: i'm happy to be your marriage ref. >> i like this. >> jimmy: great to have you here. thanks to all of my relatives who made this possible. tom papa, everybody. "the marriage ref" airs thursday nights at 10:00 on nbc. we'll be right back with manchester orchestra.
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>> jimmy: this is their latest album, it's called "mean everything to nothing." here with the song "in my teeth," manchester orchestra. ♪
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♪ ♪ i felt a black man in my teeth what a way ♪ ♪ jesus is coming he acts my age and he always looks the same ♪ ♪ i said a good seed was on your break wasn't a mistake anyway ♪ ♪ well jesus is coming unless you pray ♪ ♪ and make a scene ♪ like you never really needed it anyway yep you never really needed it anyways okay, okay ♪ ♪ ♪ john spoke a theory
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straight into my brain my god did you mean to do that to me ♪ ♪ well jesus don't come 'round unless we pray each day for 500 days ♪ ♪ i don't know what you want anymore ♪ ♪ no, i don't know what you want anymore we finally see that you never ♪ ♪ really needed it anyway no you never really needed it anyway ♪ ♪ so we can see that the bottom going to bury us anyway so i am doing what i ♪ ♪ gotta to stay awake yeah i am doing what i gotta to stay awake ♪ ♪ okay ♪
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♪ ♪ what happens when i don't know what happens you've got to stop and go and stop ♪ ♪ and go till you not anymore ♪ ♪ just stop and go and stop and go till you can't go finally see that we never really needed it anyway yeah we never really needed it anyway ♪ ♪ so we can see that the bottom gonna bury us anyway ♪ ♪ yeah you're doing you gotta to stay awake ♪ ♪ yeah i am doing what i gotta to stay awake ♪ ♪ okay
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♪ ♪
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>> jimmy: i want to thank christoph waltz, tom papa, apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "mean everything to nothing," that's their latest album. playing us off the air with "shake it out" -- see the full performance at jimmykimmellive.net -- once again, manchester orchestra! good night. ♪ ♪ ♪ shake it out
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shake it out ♪ ♪ god i need another round another round another round another ♪ ♪ i could feel it now i felt the lord in my father's house ♪ ♪ well i could see i could see ♪ ♪ standing we were 17 make it clean are you the living ghost of what i need ♪ ♪ are you giving me the best of me we will see 'cause i'm done being done ♪ ♪ with the funerals at least for now are you tired of being alone ♪ ♪ are you tired of being alone shake it out shake it out ♪ ♪ tired it up another round another wasn't really what i wanted so we brought it out ♪ ♪ over the shore to my father's house ♪ ♪ and i could see i could see god i never should

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