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even criminals can't find work in this country, but -- experts say the decrease could be due to several factors. the aging of the population, increased incars ration, many criminals have found jobs in the banking industry and on wall street, so -- i, however, credit obesity. i notice when obesity goes up, the crime rate goes down. i guess because criminals become too fat to steal. ♪ >> jimmy: well, bad at crime, good at can nonon balls. that's -- [ applause ] that is true, though.

meanwhile, singer george michael was arrested again. he was sentenced to eight weeks in a british jail for driving under the influence. he crashed his car through a snappy snap store in london while he was high on pot. snappy snap is a photo development place. i would have crashed into it just because it's named snappy snaps. george michael has a history of this. in 2006, he hit three parked cars with his one moving one. it's why he named his band wham in the first place. so, now he has to do two months of time surrounded by nothing but men working out, showering together. he's going to be miserable. and he only has himself to blame. after his sentencing, his spokesman made a statement on his behalf. >> mr. michael has come to terms with the fact that he's committed a wrongdoing. he's willing to serve his eight-week sentence in jail. and as far as his con fefinemen goes, he's released a statement

for you all, and i quote, freedom. freedom. you got to give for what you take. don't look now, there's a monkey on your back. don't look now, there's a monkey on your back. that's all. no questions. >> jimmy: all right, so -- so your move, boy george, i guess. see, because that's one of his popular songs. what we did there is, we took some of the lyrics from that song and inserted them into a fake press conference. to hilarious effect. right? >> right. >> jimmy: this is from england, too. this is real. prince charles was at a garden party, because that's what princes do, they party in gardens, and the entertainment at the party was something called a cat piano. if you've never seen it, it's a piano, comprised entirely of cats. ♪

>> jimmy: he's actual lly weepi with laughter. this is why his mother won't let him be king, by the way. congratulations, i'd like to say to penelope cruz and javier, bardem, who are expecting their first child. [ applause ] it will probably be an ugly kid. if god has a sense of humor, it will come out looking like gollum. because most female movie stars are so thin, it's hard sometimes to tell if they're pregnant. penelope cruz was almost five months along and this is the first we're hearing about it. it's important we know what's going on inside the wombs of our favorite stars. in a way, they're ours, too. to help keep us on top of who is pregnant and who suspect, our

expert, our very own dr. uncle frank. doctor? >> dr. uncle frank here. today, we will let you know how you can tell if someone is pregnant or not. a woman, specifically. okay. penelope cruz, look at the protruding lips. no, no sign. nothing protruding. not pregnant. not pregnant. go-go dancer. that's all she is. definitely pregnant. besides how she looks. look at the blouse. it's overlooking the protruding belly, which usually is protruding when a girl is pregnant. not pregnant. believe me, she's not. you're much happier looking when you're pregnant. definitely pregnant, right? because of the lips, right? and she's smiling. pregnant women are always happy. and definitely pregnant. my god. look at that. happy face, happy boobs, happy

underneath you know what. unbelievable. and protruding you know what. definitely, definitely pregnant. that's how we can tell if a girl is pregnant or not. a girl. guys are never pregnant, remember that. >> jimmy: well, i -- [ applause ] i'll keep that in mind. poor snooki just killed herself. not everyone is a doctor like my uncle frank. for example, this gentleman, from south florida, who cares a lot, maybe even too much, about animals. >> a man in florida tried to help an injured alligator, remove an arrow that was stuck in its head. >> i seen an alligator in the canal with an arrow lodged in his head. and i figured i'd, you know, i'd trap it, you know, see if i can give it medical attention. >> the gator bit his arm, leaving a bloody mark. the man wants to see the gator

donated to a wildlife park. believe it or not, that man actually lost an arm to a different alligator years back. >> jimmy: i actually do believe that. i -- [ laughter ] and, my guess is he will eventually lose that other arm. to a different alligator. more good news for the overweight today. the universal theme park in orlando has upgraded its harry potter ride to accommodate people who had previously been too large to ride it. so, you can double up on the churros now. i don't know if this is a good idea. seems like there should be some incentive to stay under 400 pouns. but this is america, and it's embarrassing to stand in line for an hour and get turned away because you are too fat. too short, yes, you have to go. fat -- no way. and it -- it's nice to see fans of all sizes enjoying the ride.

>> help me! stop it! stop it! stop it! >> jimmy: the hat, it gives you -- a place to throw up, so -- one more thing. tonight, this network, abc, paid tribute to america's bravest men and women, our fire meb, policemen apolic policemen and first responders. [ applause ] that's right. the heroes of this country. by asking them to appear on the show "wipeout." >> one more to make it over, and john, this guy can't be stopped. >> jimmy: what a tribute to our heroes. that but. and tomorrow night, i'm excited to announce we've got another special of a similar kind. >> they are american heroes.

risking their lives to keep us safe from harm. and now, it is time to pay them the honor they desefrve. by kicking them in the nuts. "let's kick an american hero in the nuts." a primetime special event only on abc. >> jimmy: god bless america. hey, we have a good show tonight. brandon flowers is here. joanna garcia is with us. and we'll be right back with kathy griffin, so stick around. introducing the samsung fascinate powered by verizon. super amoled screen. six-axis 3d gaming

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>> jimmy: hi there. people running around like crazy. welcome back. we're here on a good night. with us tonight, from a new show called "better with you," joanna garcia is with us.

and later on, this is his first solo record. one of my favorite performers of music and young men in general. it's called "flamingo," it came out today. brandon flowers from the bud light gostage. after the show, i'm going to have an interview with brandon that will be hosted on our youtube channel, hulu and abc.com. tomorrow night, dr. phil will be here, nathan fillion will be here and music from trace adkins. thursday night, music from usher, maura tyranny and ben afleck, so, please join us for that. our first guest tonight is one of the funniest people around. you can see her life at davies hall in san francisco this saturday and sunday night and at the pe ch angae resort september 25th. her new book is available now

available in paperback. please say hello to kathy griffin. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what's happening? >> keep it going! >> jimmy: it god to have you here. >> it's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: what is going on? what a beautiful ensemble you have here. you look very regal. >> say my name tonight. say it. my real name. >> jimmy: your real name? >> i'm wearing the outfit. you all saw the show yesterday when she took the audience to

australia! >> jimmy: oh, you are wearing the outfit. wait a minute. i wish i had my captain -- i would have worn a pie lot's uniform had i known. >> all right, so, i have a little surprise for your audience, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: i can't wait to hear it. what is it? >> what you don't know is that this man has got an bus and we are going to west covina! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is exciting. >> all right. >> jimmy: i wonder if anyone would actually go with us if we took a bus to west covincovina. they would?

[ cheers and applause ] i'm flattered, but that doesn't say great things about you. how are you? you look lovely. >> i'm here -- this is just basically a hollywood emergency, the fact that i'm here. i'm here to get us through the emotional journey that has just been the last week. we've got snooki's court appearan appearance, we've got oprah's -- and jimmy called me last night crying because he watches the rerun of oprah at 1:05. i just heard the -- i said, jimmy? and then there was five minutes of just crying and we got each other through it. >> jimmy: you got me through it, really. >> i love you, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] and the vmas. we have so much. so, first of all, let's just talk about, how are you feeling about oprah's last season? >> jimmy: worried. scared. >> me, too. alone. >> jimmy: i'm feeling -- anger.

>> no, that's human. to feel -- angry that oprah's abandoning the two of us. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i don't even know if i trust john travolta anymore. i really don't. i'm questioning that. all right, so -- i'm going to try to not have the fake eyelashes be falling out from the tears and let's move onto the video music awards. >> jimmy: yeah, let's get to that happier topic. >> we have a lot to get to. >> jimmy: did you enjoy? >> of course. i didn't technically attend, but i was on the road -- i'm on the road all the time, and i was doing a double in elizabeth, indiana, at the horse shoe casino, rock on, and -- i wish i was kidding. i'm not. and i actually took a picture of myself watching it and i think you have the photo, because i'm watching a moment -- >> jimmy: there it is. >> i'm sort of presenting -- i'm basically presenting with cher and lady gaga. >> jimmy: that's -- >> gay heaven. >> jimmy: all the gay icons

together at once. >> we had a great time that night. >> jimmy: you did, huh? >> i will tell you, i'm a little confused by the taylor swift song and you have to be careful because on twitter, i'm afraid that the army will turn on me for even making a slight joke, but i will tell you, i thought it was slightly amusing that taylor swift sang a song about can y kanye west's innocence while she was barefoot. i said, give kanye a break, it's not like he raped her. i -- i'm just saying, not as a woman, but as a comedian, it was amusing her see her singing barefoot as if she was afraid, even of shoes, and saying that -- i don't know if innocence is the word when i think about kanye, so, i went to his twitter, and i know you sometimes follow -- >> jimmy: i do. >> and sometimes you follow 50 cent?

>> jimmy: yes, i'm astonished by 50 cent's tweets. >> i don't call them tweets. >> jimmy: what do you call them? oh, i know. >> imagine what's under this pretty skirt. that's what i call them. and by the way -- let's go to west covincovina! all right, so -- i've actually brought with me in my brassiere a 50 credit actual tweet. >> jimmy: that's where you keep them? >> in my bra. you can follow me at at kathy griffin. and get more for you at jimmy kimmel. this is something that i retweeted from 50 cent. solja and fab kicked it. they cool now. yo [ bleep ] have a nice day [ bleep ]. so, there's -- okay. >> jimmy: you forgot the lol at the end. >> he loves a good laugh. >> jimmy: lol?

>> omg. so, what i did today was, on my twitter account, i reached out to the foul lollowers of mine a >> jimmy: i saw that you did that. >> after the show, you should go on at jimmy kimmel and ask them what they want to be called -- >> jimmy: mine are called americans. [ applause ] >> i didn't know that i was a jihadist for suggesting otherwise. can i tell you the top three? >> jimmy: people suggested this to you. >> they would like to be called, either, grifters, it's sort of cute. i really like catheters. someone said, i make you laugh until you pee. i thought that was edgy. and the one that's the fro front-runn

front-runner, a lot of people just want to be called [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: what? >> and i -- i mean, i get it. i think it's cute and it's endearing but i don't see it on a t-shirt -- >> jimmy: it is the front-runner? how will you decide what you're going to -- >> i won't be able to choose that, because, i can't say it. you probably can. it's your show. >> jimmy: i could be, it will be bleeped out. there's no point to it. catheters is very good. with a k, though, right? >> yeah, so -- there won't be any licensing issues. >> jimmy: that's the one to go with. >> there's so much breaking news. >> jimmy: what's broken? >> snooki. her court appearance was must-see television. >> jimmy: you like that. >> yeah, i do. i feel that it was a miscarriage of justice for her to have -- i would have liked to have been there in the jury with the dynasty hat and the vail sobbing

softly, and i did enjoy the judge when he said she seemed like a wannabe lindsay lohan, like that's a bad thing. rock on. awesome, good for her. and i liked her court attire, which was kind of a same leopard dress, but gray, and a little bit less of a bump-it. she did a 50%, out of respect for the court. >> jimmy: for the american legal system. >> which is what you have to do, when you face plant in the sand in miami and you banged the situation again. >> jimmy: she got charged with something ridiculous. >> drunken disorderly -- >> jimmy: disturbing the pleasantness of the beach or some silly charge. >> i concur. i'm going to tweet about it. >> jimmy: so you were on her side? >> i'm pro-snooki. of course i am. i don't want her to go away. unlike you, i don't want these

people to go away. i don't want the housewives to go away. i don't want -- i don't know if you saw the new jersey reunion. >> jimmy: i missed that. >> my favorite cross-eyed andy cohen, which is hysterical because the women don't know who he's talking to. there's a lot going on. >> jimmy: you are starting your own campaign, to get a -- >> i want to be awarded for a grammy again. please buy my cd electronically. please buy it. it's called kathy griffin does the bible belt. you should buy it just because i did a show in knoxville, tennessee, and lived to tell about it. and i want to be dominated for a grammy. >> jimmy: will you wear a dress made of meat? >> yes, i will. absolutely. >> jimmy: wow, that is -- >> you can name the meat? >> jimmy: really? >> if i get nominated, i will allow jimmy kimmel to name the meat. i will wear whatever --

>> jimmy: i'm thinking maybe -- >> how about that voters? are you naming meats in your head? >> jimmy: a jerkey would be nice. >> don't spoil the surprise. >> jimmy: you have a show in vegas coming up. >> i'm playing at the coliseum on thanksgiving saturday. i'll be in the house of cher. >> jimmy: will cher be there? >> if she is, maybe she'll be in a kathy griffin, i don't know. she could be there. >> jimmy: i would not blame her. >> should i tweet that? >> jimmy: tweet that she will be there. >> i'll put on my meat pajamas and tweet it tonight. >> jimmy: well, if you like to read kathy's thoughts, they are all contained in this book, completely. oh, and see kathy in san francisco. it's sold out, so you can't go to it. we'll be right back. kathy griffin, everybody. if you think all batteries are the same, consider this:

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>> jimmy: hola, we're back. still to come, brandon flowers. our next guest has a new show called "better with you." it premieres next wednesday night at 8:30 here on abc. she's engaged to a new york yankees player to be named later. please say hello to joanna garcia. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nice to meet you. where are you from? >> born and raised in tampa, florida. >> jimmy: i lived in tampa for a time. >> where? >> jimmy: a place called carol wood. >> oh, my gosh. right around where i grew up. >> jimmy: really? >> i lived in avila, a little bit more north. >> jimmy: yeah. i saw a lot of weird things in my short time in florida. >> did you? what years were there you? >> jimmy: '90-'91. >> good years for me.

>> jimmy: were they? >> i was losing the baby chub, the baby fat. >> jimmy: i got you. i still have it. yeah. >> i think i wore my first bra in '91. >> jimmy: same here. >> big deal. >> jimmy: is that where you met your fiance in tampa? >> no. i met nick in new york. >> jimmy: nick swisher is your fiance. he's a left fielder for the yankees. having a very good year. >> he is. i'm very proud of him. >> jimmy: do you watch the games? >> i was just watching his game in the dressing room. >> jimmy: did he play tonight? >> he didn't. >> jimmy: you watch anyway? >> i do. i watch. oh, yeah. i'm so attached. >> jimmy: that is true love. >> oh, yeah. this is a big time of year, we're about to embark on the playoffs hopefully. >> jimmy: for you. for me, i like the mets, so it's not a big time of the year. >> oh. but that's a beautiful stadium. that's -- nick and i, our first date was at citi field.

>> jimmy: your first date was there? >> i went to watch him play so i sat there. >> jimmy: so, he said, that's how it went? he said, hey, come watch me play? >> really lame. he was like, do you like baseball? i was like, yeah, who doesn't? and poor guy, he plays all the time, so, only so much that we could do. we hung out. >> jimmy: where do you sit when you go to the game? >> we have a box for the family that we kind of -- they kind of like to keep us contained and well behaved. >> jimmy: there could be fights and that sort of thing? >> well, no, though, i did just have my first experience with the bleacher creatures with bald vinny, who are nick's big dogs, like, that's his crew -- >> jimmy: one my childhood friends is one of those people. >> they're amazing. i had so much fun. i did the roll call thing and -- everyone was giving me weird looks. they were like, i think that might be nick swisher's fiance, and i was like -- i bad bald vipny with me. >> jimmy: they're dangerous

animals. >> i feel lucky. i think nick did a good enough job with the fans. >> jimmy: nick strikes out, you have to run for the hills, though. >> i take cover. >> jimmy: are the yankee girlfriends and wives, is it like a clique that you have to get into? >> well, i think -- i think that any of the wives and girlfriends sort of -- we stick together. we have a lot in common. i mean, our men work really hard and it's an intense job and so you kind of just spend a lot of time together, chitchatting. some of the games are long, so -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> we get into all sorts of, you know, creative crafts and stuff like that. >> jimmy: i'll bet. >> words with friends. >> jimmy: and other celebrities -- other actresses and that sort of thing in the box with you, as well. >> well, everyone has their own little spot, but yeah. where are you going with this? >> jimmy: no, i have to say -- i've never been a yankee wife. i don't know what it's like. >> your next trip to new york, you can be.

>>. >> jimmy: i can't imagine that happening. >> you want to wear my ring? >> jimmy: oh, my god. is that cubic zirconia? >> totally. >> jimmy: that's the biggest ring i've ever seen on a nonqueen. that's enormous. the other one is bigger. >> but this is plastic. >> jimmy: and that's what nick gave you, because he has to, because he's a baseball player. >> i'm looking at the monitor, i didn't get a manicure, i didn't shave. keep it up. my man's out of town. i didn't -- i should have shaved for you. >> jimmy: i should have shaved for you, too. tell us about the show. i know -- it's hard to talk about a sitcom and explain the premise and make it seem interesting, but go ahead. >> well, it's -- [ laughter ] it's actually very difficult. i spent my whole career on a sitcom pretty much. it's a relationship comedy. it's, you know, two sisters at the core, two very different stages of their romantic relationships, i'm in a fast-moving, you know, crazy

relationship where i meet a guy, get engaged, maybe a little knocked up, and, i mean, i don't know how you can kind of be knocked up, but -- it's usually a definite thing. >> jimmy: you're pregnant in the show? >> i am. do you have to wear, like, fat things and stuff? >> oh, yeah. yeah. and the boob situation is so good. i tried on -- yeah. first trimester boobs is good. first time i ever really had to wear a bra, other than in '91 when my mom said it was time. >> jimmy: nick must go crazy over that. >> yeah. and it really -- i mean, i go crazy. there are some pictures on my blackberry of my fake -- >> jimmy: post them. let kathy griffin put them on twitter. >> i'm actually starting to twitter. >> jimmy: it's the hot thing to do. i might have to stop. >> i've seen your boobs. my second trimester are the

kimmel. >> jimmy: maybe you can wear the stomach, too. a curse on the yankees! i hope they get knocked out in three games! >> you're an honorary wife now. how can you say that? >> jimmy: i'm more of an honorary yankee bitch. >> that's a story i want to know about you. >> jimmy: nice to meet you. i hope things go swimmingly with the show. the show is "better with you." right here on abc, wednesday night at 8:30. joanna garcia, everybody. we'll be right back with brandon flowers. a lot of people think fiber can.

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>> jimmy: this is his first solo album, it's called "flamingo." it just came out today. here with the song "cross fire," from fabulous las vegas, brandon flowers! ♪ ♪ there's a still in the street

outside your window you're keepin' secrets ♪ ♪ on your pillow let me inside no cause for alarm i promise tonight ♪ ♪ not to do no harm i promise you babe i won't do you no harm and we're caught up in ♪ ♪ the crossfire of heaven and hell and we're searching for shelter ♪ ♪ lay your body down lay your body down lay your body down i'm watching you dress ♪ ♪ don't you turn down

the light i forget all about the storm outside ♪ ♪ those dark clouds roll their way over town and heartache and pain came a pourin' down like ♪ ♪ hail, sleet and rain, yeah they're handing it out and we're caught up in the crossfire ♪ ♪ of heaven and hell and we're searching for shelter lay your body down ♪ ♪ lay your body down lay your body down lay your body down lay your body down ♪

♪ lay your body down tell the devil that he can go back from where he came his fiery arrows ♪ ♪ drew their bead in vain and when the hardest part is over we'll be here ♪ ♪ and our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears the boundaries of our fears ♪ ♪

♪ lay your body down lay your body down lay your body down lay your body down ♪ ♪ lay your body down lay your body down next to mine ♪ ♪ [ sighs ]

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