and finally tonight, the call of the wild delivered one hapless canine. a chicago area coyote into the hands of man today. police say the female animal was hunting fish on the only of lake michigan when a section of ice

where she was sitting broke off and drifted. the coyote spotted about a half mile from shore, but before rescue crews could move in, she took to the freezing water. luckily, she was able to clamor onto another ice floe, and though she looked apprehensive at the rescue boat, she was plucked to the ice and delivered back to shore. the animal is recuperating. and no word on what her next move will be. wow. like an arctic documentary on the banks of lake michigan there. that's our report for tonight. for cynthia mcfadden, terry moran and all of us at abc news, good night, america, and have a great weekend. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: another bomb shell. wikileaks today identified my secret santa. >> how do you know about how to make bagels. >> jimmy: i make them at my house. i would dazzle you.

i could be your next wife, larry. i'm telling you. >> jimmy: two of her kids were expeopled from school because of anger issues. co-star is a big star in korea. >> he's like the brad pitt of korea. >> jimmy: does that mean he adopts a whole bunch of white kids? how does that work? >> tunnel is about a half mile long. there's actually an area where you can stand up for the first time, fully upright, and if you look right up here -- >> peek-a-boo! >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with kate bosworth, comedian greg fitzsimmons and larry king.

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and comedian greg fitzsimmons. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, stay right where you are, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy, thank you for watching. and i want to wish a happy first night of hanukkah to our jewish viewers. tonight is the first night of eight nights of celebrating and misspelling hanukkah. maybe there is no wrong way to spell it. because you can spell it, start with an h or a ch.

you can have either one or two ns in the middle. you can have one or two ks in the middle and you can end it with or without an h, your choice. i think even spelling it chaka khan is acceptable. very flexible word. the story behind hanukkah is, at i understand it, there was only enough oil to keep the menorah lit for one night but the oil lasted for eight nights. and, i guess that's a big deal? it's -- let's be honest. as far as religious miracles go, it's not exactly the resurrection of the easter bunny, but it's fun for the kids. our super governor arnold schwarzenegger celebrated with jewish leaders in sacramento this morning. he was at the 17th annual state capital menorah lighting, where he was introduced by a very excitable rabbi. >> a man who has been our friend, who always has that smile, that power, that energy. ladies and gentlemen, welcome, for the seventh menorah

lighting, the great governor of our great state governor arnold schwarzenegger. >> jimmy: oh, doing so well up until the end, and -- that's okay. schwarzenegger can't pronounce your name, either. >> all of god's children, we present this to you today, continue, my dear friend, wherever you go. light those lights. let's give the governor a great hand as he receives the lamp lighter award. >> thank you. >> god bless. >> well, thank you very much. wow, i want to know exactly what you drank this morning. it definitely was not decaf, let me tell you that. but anyway -- >> jimmy: but anyway -- i'll be here all eight nights.

thank you. it's easy to get caught up in all of that, but hanukkah chemical rates the auctions of a very brave group of jewish warriors who against all odds drive the enemy out of their sacred temple. we're going to ask larry king about it, because he was there. he was on the scene. he was guarding the door. i tell you something, i had a good morning. i woke up this morning, for about three minutes, couldn't remember who won "dancing with the stars" this year, and, i tell you, it felt great. it really did. there's a big rumor, as far as "dancing with the stars" goes, the rumor is they're trying to get lindsay lohan to dance this year. hopefully they'll get dr. drew, too, to make it a combo celebrity dance rehab show, but -- i think that would be good for lindsay. influence like judge bruno in her life, you know? and i would love to see her vomit on len goodman. last night, anderson cooper had an interesting show on cnn last

night. remember that huge underground drug tunnel they found running between the united states and mexico? he went there, the tunnel is unbelievable. it's all cinder blocked, it has rail lines, it's got ventilation, lighting. it's got a starbucks. it's incredible. anderson cooper got to go in it, and this will give you an idea of the lengths people will go to to smuggle drugs into the united states. >> tunnel is about a half mile long. and it was built, authorities believe, by members of a cartel. there's actually an area where you can stand up for the first time, fully upright, and if you >> peek-a-boo! i cannot believe that anderson cooper is in my tunnel. >> very close to the surface, to the ground. >> jimmy: i think that was the mythical chupacabra. was that -- [ applause ] it's -- monday, as you may have

heard, was cyber monday, which is the online shopping version of black friday. they say it was the biggest cyber monday ever. which might have something to do with the fact that there was no such thing as cyber monday until two years ago, but it was the biggest one ever. none of the orders placed online with the kardashian kard. less than a month after it came out, the prepaid card is no they actually withdrew their endorsement of the card after word got around about what a horrible deal it was. the card, this is a debit card that cost $99.95 and the fees were $7.95 a month. it cost a lot and it didn't deliver much of anything, which is basically the kardashian business model. but i tell you -- what better way to impress a date. i'll put this on the kardashian kard. the kardashians were just on fox and friends promoting their book, where co-host gretchen karlson provided us with our unintentional joke of the day.

>> what i found from the book so interesting was that you talk about how you were reared. >> jimmy: i think they made a movie about that, too. [ applause ] meanwhile, over on "the today show," kate gosselin was back on television, just as god intended. kate told meredith that she's no longer angry at her ex-husband jon and denied reports that two of her kids were expelled from school because of anger issues. kate says the kids are adjusting to divorce, but otherwise, they're doing just fine. >> let's separate fact from fiction. beginning with the kids, colin iowa leg sis, reports are they were expelled from their school. true or false? >> that is false. they were not expelled from they are excelling along with weekly therapy and they -- my kids are back, they're happy, they're functioning, they're well. it's so great, a year later, to feel put back together and

normal and they're functioning and in a routine. we're very happy. >> kate gosselin, thank you so much. >> jimmy: they look happy to me. [ cheers and applause ] because it's the hold dales, it's the time that the holiday special run. the classic rudolph the red nosed reindeer was on last night. we've seen rudolphs and the jerks he lived with. we know the story. it's been running for 40 years. so, to freshen it up, we replaced the original audio of rudolph and santa with the audio from this week's episode of "the biggest loser." and enjoy. >> this is the last week that you pull out every single stop. >> i wanted to make sure that nothing would break him. i wanted to just wreck his ass. >> more patrick, more! more! more! let's go! get up, now! let's go!

pick it up! pick it up, patrick! pick it up! >> jimmy: that's right. pick it up, patrick. wikileaks today, another bombshell. they revealed the identity of my secret santa, which -- seemed unnecessary to me. there's an international warrant for the arrest of the founder, julian assange. not for releasing the thousands of confidential documents, but rape allegations against him in sweden. he's australian, apparently something happened in sweden. yesterday, he did an interview with "time" via skype. he was in some undisclosed location. he believes hillary clinton should resign for ordering american diplomats to spy on their foreign counterparts, which, thanks, we'll make a note of that. creepy australian hacker who is i got news for you, pal. hillary clinton doesn't quit. if she didn't quit on her

marriage after she found out her husband put a cigar up an intern, she's not going to quit with this. you're barking up the wrong pantsuit. [ applause ] thank you. in other international intrigue, there are persistent rumors that snoop dogg is going to perform at prince william's bachelor party, which, what a letdown for sir mix a lot. you'd think this would be the one gig he could get. yesterday, snoop even went so far as to release a special song for the prince. it called "wet." and it's quite tasteful. it's about female genitalia. it's very buckingham palace. wasn't snoop not even allowed in england two years ago? how does -- now he's hosting the prince's bachelor party? that's how you negotiate a peace treaty, folks. i'm excited for his highness. and by his highness, i mean both of them. the east coast is being hit with unusual weather right now. storms have knocked out power in

delayed flights and knocked out power in thousands of homes and believe it or not, there was an earthquake in new york yesterday. for, like, a brief few seconds, the statue of liberty became the world's largest personal massager. it was a 3.8 earthquake centered in southampton, long island. very wealthy area. tragically, martha stewart's souffle was ruined. fortunately no one was hurt. but the violent shaking did cause a considerable amount of concern. >> we were actually experiencing an earthquake. i had no idea what was happening. one man said it felt like a mack truck hit his house. another woman told me it looked like her coffee cup was shaking around on a table. said it looked like that. that much shaking. >> jimmy: oh, my god, she's lucky to be alive! almost spilled some of her coffee. so, there you go, new york, that's what an earthquake is like. not so funny when it happens to you, is it? meanwhile, in louisiana, they had twin tornadoes. i didn't know there was such a thing as twin tornadoes, but there is. look at this. >> tornado on the ground.

two tornadoes. two tornadoes on the ground at the same time. two tornadoes. >> jimmy: it's -- i guess a double tornado is very rare. it's terrifying. kind of exciting, too. and this isn't the only double weather situation we've had this year. in fact, on friday, i don't know if you've seen the ads, but they're actually releasing a movie about it. >> two tornadoes. two tornadoes on the ground at the same time! >> double rainbow all the way across the sky! >> back up! back up! >> oh, my god, oh, my god! >> power lines. go! >> oh, wow! >> stop! stop!

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a good show tonight. kate bosworth is here. author and standup comedian greg fitzsimmons is with us. and we'll be right back with larry king, so stick around. ihola! oh! gracias. tu esposa come kiwi tira pina. you just called his wife a kiwi-munching pineapple pusher. dirty mouth? clean it up with orbit tropical remix. for a good clean, fruity feeling no matter what. ♪ all the flavor of strawberry shortcake... in a delicious 5-calorie stick of gum.

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>> jimmy: well, hello there. welcome back. we've got a lot for you tonight. with us tonight, her new movie "the warrior's way" opens this friday. kate bosworth is here. then later, a very funny guy is here. his new book is called "dear mrs. fitzsimmons: tales of redemption from an irish mailbox." greg fitzsimmons is here.

tomorrow night, the co-host of the oscars next year, james franco will be with us. we'll have music from darius rucker. our first guest tonight is a broadcasting legend. in 16 days, he will hang up his suspenders up for good and head off into the sunset, with his pants around his ankles. get as much of him as you still can on "larry king live" every night on cnn, please welcome larry king! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. thank you for coming. happy first night of hanukkah. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: happy belated birthday. you had a birthday two weeks ago. >> oh, what a thing we had. >> jimmy: what did you do? erratic, kind of funny. >> jimmy: okay.

>> about at quarter after six on my birthday morning, my 10-year-old, cannon, comes in, says, you must come downstairs. my wife jumped out of bed, which is historic in the first place. jumped out of bed and my other son chance came in, said, you have to go downstairs. i go downstairs. there's a six-piece mexican mariachi band singing. i'm a jewish guy, i'm 77 years old. and she says, i warned the neighbors. >> jimmy: well, great. and are they still in your home or did you call the exterminator? how does it work? that doesn't seem like a great way to start the birthday. >> it was -- when you turn 77 -- i'm proud to be 77. proud to be anywhere when you're 77. you sort of -- it's a day -- you're happy to be there, but it's not a big day. >> jimmy: i got you. i see. i would think, every birthday would get bigger. but at a certain point --

70 was big. i hope 80. >> jimmy: 85. and then we'll see what happens. >> don't go to otb with that. >> jimmy: i was watching you tonight. i watch you every night and it's weird for me to imagine that you're not going to be on anymore. because i've been listening to you since i was on -- since you were on the radio, i was a kid listening to you in the middle of the night on the radio. and -- >> 53 years i've been in the business. [ applause ] >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> so -- even though i -- it was time to go. 25 1/2 years is a long time. fact, we made the guinness book of world records. the longest running tv show in television history, hosted by the same person at the same time on the same network. >> jimmy: so, you have nothing more really to -- [ applause ] >> so -- and i -- i just felt it was time. you know, i had a great week, we have an incredible weeks coming

up. but i'm not leaving. i'm going to do four specials a i hope to do some -- there's a lot of things on the horizon, open to me. >> jimmy: i'd love to hear you on the radio again. >> those were the days. talking to ryan seacrest. >> jimmy: chicken in the pot. >> you know those things? >> jimmy: lee hacksaw hamilton. all of that stuff. >> you were up all night? >> jimmy: i did morning radio, so, you were my morning radio show at like -- >> what city were you in? >> reporter: many cities, but tampa, florida -- >> you would drive to work and there i'd be. >> jimmy: absolutely. no question about it. >> you needed me. >> jimmy: i still need you. i don't know what i'm going to do. what are you going to do now? i mean -- four specials a year, but -- >> i'm going -- i'm going to do other things. i'll do radio. i want to do more television. i don't -- i love the media. this is a great -- come on. this is like stealing. this is a joke. no, really, they pay you for this. >> jimmy: you're naturally curious. you love --

>> i like to be -- i want to do some comedy. i do a lot of conventions, speak a lot. i like making people laugh. i like telling stories. >> jimmy: you'll go on the road and do an evening with larry king -- >> my wife will open for me, she's a great singer. she'll open. we did it in vegas, we did it in niagra falls. i love it. you know what a comic has -- you know this. a comic has something nobody else has. the power to walk on a stage, have an audience in the grasp of your hands, make them laugh. there's nothing like that. there's no bigger high. bigger than sex. >> jimmy: really? and if you can combine both, that's the show you really want to see, you know? got the wife there, why not? big finale, you know? >> the wife is there, she's backstage, what the hell. >> jimmy: and i heard you're opening a bagel shop, which, i'm -- i'm very excited about. >> let me explain what this is. these two very adventurous guys came to me, said, we have a play in del ray beach, florida,

called the brooklyn water bagel company. and what we do is, we can make can water that is from brooklyn, new york, which is the best tap water in america, we can manufacture this, and we're starting a series of franchises. we would like you to be our spokesperson. in return for that we'll make you part of the company and the first, the next franchise place will be in beverly hills, california, where you live. so, i said, that's terrific. i tasted the bagels, they are great. so, we open, i think in january. we expect to have you there for the opening. >> jimmy: i'll be there. >> going to have a big night. they're going to franchise this all over the country. and the guy putting the franchise together is the guy who did that, these $5 -- >> jimmy: the subway. >> the subway guy. he's putting together the franchises. >> jimmy: are these the real things, boiled and baked? >> they -- >> jimmy: you boil them. you have to learn this, larry. you boil them and then you bake them. >> i don't cook them.

>> jimmy: you will not be there making bagels? >> i'm jewish. i stand out front and look. right? that's like -- my wife, we go skiing, asking me to ski. we have a home in provo, utah. you picture this in provo, utah? i'm the only jew there. so, they say, you go skiing, no, no, no, we own the slope. >> jimmy: right. you don't ski. >> i don't ski. but back to the bagels. >> jimmy: bagels, yeah. bagels are different. >> new york city water, brooklyn water, new york, queens, is the best water in the country because -- because when they built the water system in new copper doesn't rust. so, the water purifies itself. >> jimmy: oh, really? i didn't know any of that. >> and that's why. you're a food expert. you know -- >> jimmy: i know bagels. >> the bagel tastes better in new york. the pizza -- you may be the greatest cook in the world. but what water are you using? >> jimmy: you know that drug tunnel anderson cooper found?

i've been bringing water in from mexico. >> that is a great idea. >> jimmy: you have obviously done tens of thousands of interviews over the course of your career. you've gotten to know -- well, you know all the presidents. how far back to you go with the presidents? >> nixon. >> jimmy: nixon. and kennedy is a guy that you interviewed -- >> i never interviewed kennedy. i interviewed bobby. but i had an unusual experience with john kennedy. >> jimmy: what was it? >> okay. he was -- sunday morning in palm beach, right? and three other disc jockeys and myself, just 23 years old, living in miami, we had never seen palm beach. so, it was a beautiful sunday morning. so, we said, let's drive up, see what palm beach is like. we had this beat up old convertible, and i drove. one guy in the front, two guys in the back. i'm driving up. and palm beach, if you drive up the shore -- have you done >> jimmy: no, i haven't. >> the coastline, there's just the water on one side and the beautiful estates on the other, so, i'm looking at the estates. wow, look at that.

then i look up and there's a red light. and i'm doing about ten miles an hour. bam, i hit a car. a guy in a convertible. sunday morning, 10:30. the guy gets out and it's senator john kennedy. >> jimmy: wow. >> and he goes like this. how could you hit me? there's two cars on the road, it's 10:30 sunday morning, how could you hit me? so, i said, that's a good i was looking at the homes and we're four guys, we're disc jockeys, we live in miami. i said, do you want to exchange licenses? he says, no, there's no damage. but raise your hands, swear that you will vote for me. i'm going to run. >> jimmy: really? >> i voted for him. >> jimmy: of course. you had to. [ applause ] you'd think that incident would have taught him not to drive around in convertibles. oh, wait a minute. too soon? too soon?

too soon. i'm sorry, larry. >> you know, great thing in the history of humor. when is something funny? >> jimmy: apparently we need a couple more years. >> like, i think you can do -- well, let's see. bob newhart proved you can do lincoln funny. >> jimmy: that was awhile ago, though. >> i think you needed a few more years. >> jimmy: we're going to let that bake for a few more years. >> how do you know about how to make bagels? >> jimmy: i make them at my house. i do all sorts of -- i would dazzle you with my cooking. i could be your next wife, larry. i'm telling you. i want you to think about this. >> you want me to bring her out here? >> jimmy: i'm sorry. guillermo? lock the doors. great to see you. i'm excited to see the next couple weeks of your shows. you had some night tonight. vladimir putin. tomorrow night, mike tyson. really running the gamut this week. >> friday night, carlos slim.

jshg the richest man in the world. >> $56 billion. >> jimmy: who is scarier, putin or tyson? >> neither one. no, no, no, mike tyson is now a gentle, funny soul who is very bright. and putin is -- he would be a successful american politician. >> jimmy: you're going to visit him, i heard you saying tonight. >> he invited me to moscow. i've never been there. my mother was from russia. my father was from austria. i'm going to go. i would love to see. >> jimmy: i think you're going to have a lot of fun. and, you know, you don't have to interview latoya jackson anymore. i mean, i think that's the best part of all of this. >> there's a good side of leaving. >> jimmy: there you go. larry king, everybody. "larry king live" on cnn. we'll be right back with kate bosworth. this is the police! what are your demands?

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>> jimmy: hello there. still to come on the show, greg fitzsimmons will be here. you know our next guest from the movies "blue crush," "21"

and "superman returns" among other films. her latest called "the warrior's way" opens in theaters friday. please welcome kate bosworth. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, first of all, happy hanukkah to you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you -- hey, we're speaking about larry in russia, you were just in south korea. >> i was. >> jimmy: what a time to be there. >> it was quite a time to be there. >> jimmy: are you the one that started the trouble over there? >> well, you know, i'm known to be a bit mischievous, but not that -- >> jimmy: when you're there in the middle of it, do you have an idea of what's going on? >> well, it was quite bizarre, to be honest, because, you know, i flew there recently for press, this "warrior's way" has a korean star and director. so, we flew there to do press there. flew in, went to sleep, woke up,

ordered room service, flipped on the bbc -- literally, war's broken out in south korea, and you don't really know -- it's so bizarre, like, the concept of being -- >> jimmy: wait a minute, i'm in south korea. that seems bad. >> it was very weird, because, yeah, i've -- i never experienced anything like that. i don't know if you have. >> jimmy: no, i can't say that i was. >> but it was interesting. >> jimmy: did the people seem -- were they on edge? >> well, tension between south and north korea apparently is -- it's kind of so common place now that, what the woman said to me who i asked said, it's so foreign to us that you have handguns and have shootings all the time. it's just so alien, the idea of that, that it must be like an equivalent in a way. >> jimmy: so, it's like, it's the same kind of deal as something going on and this is how -- >> well, the tension, i mean, now i feel like it's probably, you know -- >> jimmy: you should go back and find out. it seems like -- you can't just leave them in a lurch over there.

you said your director is korean and your co-star is korean. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and your co-star is a big star in korea. >> he is. he literally is, like, the brad pitt of korea. it's pretty wild. >> jimmy: i was told i was the brad pitt of korea. that's disappointing. i feel like i was lied to. he's the brad pitt of korea. does that mean he adopts a bunch of white kids? how does that work? if you're the brad pitt of korea. but he's like a -- and the director, so, does the director speak english? >> yes. he does. he speaks it -- no, he speaks it well, but the only kind of tricky part when communicating with him especially when you're making art is basically kind to find the shades of emotion, so -- >> jimmy: i always wonder about that, because it seems odd to me that -- there's so much subtlety -- >> yeah, there is. and so, for example, if he were to say, i think that my

character should be angry, i would say, really, angry, that feels strong, but i'll go for it. and i would do it, he would say, maybe too much, and i would have to play a bit of a guessing game. is it irritated, frustrated -- yes, it's frustrated. so, kind of those fine shades. >> jimmy: you had to go through a thesaurus with him. until you find the right -- >> basically that kind of a game. it was. >> jimmy: and you did some martial arts in the film. >> i did. >> jimmy: which is -- did your enjoy doing that? >> it was kind of interesting, the way they wanted the martial art ises to be in this film was sort of like a ballet. it was very sort of poetic. the sequences. so, i really wished that i had had more kind of dance background because -- >> jimmy: same here. >> i feel unbelievably -- i feel unbelievably uncoordinated. there were moments where i thought, oh, man -- >> jimmy: what did you eat over there? did they have bagels? what's the water like?

>> well -- >> jimmy: i mean, what -- i know there's -- we have, like, korean barbecue. is that the kind of thing that you have over there? >> yeah. >> jimmy: that sounds good to me. you have to worry about what animal you're eating, right? >> no. >> jimmy: they eat dogs over there. >> that is so not true. >> jimmy: cleto, you're mexican, right? they do eat dogs over there, i mean -- >> i don't know how you deal with him. >> jimmy: it's true. they do eat dogs. i know people get, like, weird about it, but the fact of the matter is, dogs are being eaten in korea. >> jimmy: and you probably ate one. >> i ate no dogs. i ate no dogs. >> jimmy: you didn't eat any dogs. are you sure? do you know the word for dog? is it in the thee saur us are? you have to be careful. >> i ate some really -- i'm a carnivore. i hear you're a carnivore. i hear you're a cook. >> jimmy: look at me, of course i am. >> there is beautiful, really amazing marbled beef. >> jimmy: really?

do you cook it yourself on the hibachi? >> it is a little like that. they have a little kind of, like, barbecue pit, basically, on your table with the coals. >> jimmy: i like that. >> it's really good. >> jimmy: i wish i had one on my desk, actually. >> just all the time. >> jimmy: and they keep bringing it out? >> they just keep bringing it out. and, you knows you're so full because it's so delicious and just melts in your mouth and then they come back and they say, was it all very delicious. you say, yes, it was so delicious, thank you so much. and they're like, which was your favorite. and i would say, well, the rib meat was my favorite. we have an encore. and that favorite comes back and you are like, oh, it's so good that you don't know how to turn it away. >> jimmy: that's the greatest thing i've ever heard. >> the encore. >> jimmy: really? so, dessert is more meat over there. >> literally. >> jimmy: what are the cocktails? gravy? i mean, or -- >> you know what the cocktails are? it's basically tuna, like blended up in ice and the eyeballs are ripped open and the blood is put in the cocktail. >> jimmy: okay, well, i would

skip the cocktails then. but the meat sounds good. >> stick with the dog. >> jimmy: congratulations on the film. it's called "the warrior's way." it opens on friday. kate bosworth, everybody. we'll be right back with greg fitzsimmons.

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>> jimmy: our next guest is the author of this new book, "dear mrs. fitzsimmons: tales of redemption from an irish mailbox." you can see him live at the

wilbur theater in boston on january 29th. please welcome greg fitzsimmons. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you very much. this country's scared. i spent 38 minutes going through airport security last week and i know exactly how long it took because later that night, i found the tsa screener's watch stuck between my ass cheeks. it's excessive. we have nothing to be afraid of. we're america. we're always going to be fine. why? because we have a lot of water. notice the poor countries? kind of dry. here it's a joke. we have so much water, we just blast it into the sky. we have fountains. what is a fountain? it's just us showing off. look at all this water we got.

and, you can't even buy a small shower head anymore. now it's a manhole cover that's dropping 1,000 gallons a second. but that's not wet enough. i need more. how about four other showerheads at other angles? i can just stand there. one in the face, one in each pit, one's hitting my nuts from behind. not wet enough. i need more. blow steamed water in that i can inhale and i'll drink a bottle of water while in here. give me a bottle. bring me the water of an impoverished third world island nation. fiji. bring me fiji's water, because they have very little. i want that. grab me one of those unicef boxed lunches while you're over there. i'll wait here in the shower. oh, don't moan. it's okay. i love when people get sad. it's okay. it is a scary time, though, i can understand, people's houses are being foreclosed, we have an

attractable war in the middle east. when things look this bleak, we need comedy. enter sarah palin. she may not fix anything, but she can cheer us up. it's like, when you're at a rodeo and the worst things happen, the guy falls off and the bull is trampling him, there's guts hanging out, everybody is just like, when are they going to send in a medic. what do we send in? a clown. sarah palin is our political rodeo clown. when she's in the white house some day, they're going to swap out hail to the chief and it's just going to be -- [ laughter ] i had sex with my wife last week. yeah, it was pretty sweet. thank you. thanks very much. [ applause ] yeah. and we just rescued a dog and i forgot to lock the dog out of the room and halfway through i just hear -- i'm like -- he's

staring in my eyes. and it's just very strange to be having sex with my wife and have a living thing making eye contact with me. including my wife. when you're married, you don't look at each other. no, that just frightens you. it's like, what? what did i forgot? you're creeping me out. just watch the "family guy" over my shoulder like you usually do. staring at me. so, now the dog, he's staring at me, he thinks this is a game. he's like, what are we doing? how do we play? i jump on you? you jump on her. he's trying to lick my face, i'm pushing him away. he's liking my wife's face, she's pushing him away. notice, we're not stopping. no. when you have two small kids, you don't stop. if i hesitate, it's over. she's like, i got to throw laundry in the dryer. the only wail you'll finish if you hold on and follow her around doing errands. [ applause ]

yeah, dog. so, now the dog's licking my foot. i'm having sex with my wife, i have a dog licking my foot. it's fine. i don't care. go ahead. i'm having sex, i got a cute it was pleasant. it was pleasant. you know when you're having hot, sweaty sex, the ceiling fan is on, you get a breeze on your ass -- that was pleasant. i got to remember to do that. send that dog in. thank you very much. thank you. thank you. good night, everybody. >> jimmy: greg fitzsimmons, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪

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the >> jimmy: we're back with greg fitzsimmons. this is his book. greg, what you've done here is, you somehow saved every letter you ever got as a kid. >> well, my mother did. >> jimmy: your mom did? >> we're irish, so, it was almost like -- this is my trophy case. she saved every letter showing that i had followed orders and done the opposite of what i was told to do. >> jimmy: do you mind if i read one of these? >> please, jimmy. >> jimmy: let me be frank. mr. fitzsimmons' performance was