the music of johnny mathis and jay finds holiday pran on youtube. and now, jay leno! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television captions by vitac www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: hi, folks, how are you? gentleman! welcome, everybody. nice to have you here. welcome to "the tonight show." happy holidays. only three more shopping days till christmas. that's what it is. >> rickey: yeah. >> jay: hard to believe, you know? see, this is the time where you start to make the transition from looking for just the absolutely perfect gift to

"everybody likes fruit, right? sure." [ laughter ] who doesn't like fruit? >> rickey: yeah, they'd eat it. >> jay: actually, today is a a very important day in the holiday season. this is the day when men realize nothing they order online will get here by christmas. [ laughter ] last chance. and believe me, believe me, folks. you know, it's not easy sending out holiday cards to show business friends. because you have to wait till the last minute to see who's still married. you know what i'm saying? [ laughter ] you send something out last week. "oh, no, they broke up!" hey, once again -- [ applause ] it's time for a bit we call the most wonderful time of the year. ♪ it's the most wonderful time of the year ♪ [ beep ] [ tires screeching ] >> ten dollars. ♪ of the year ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: oh, boy.

and as they do every year, al qaeda is threatening to launch christmas attacks. but of course, they have to be politically correct. now they're calling them holiday attacks. [ light laughter ] yeah, they don't want to -- they don't want to offend anybody. yeah, yeah. and russia announced this week they are building a 100-ton monster nuclear missile they call satan. the missile is called satan. you know, i don't think they're as into christmas as we are. i just don't get that feeling. [ light laughter ] well, folks, we are learning more and more about the death of north korean dictator kim jong-il. it seem he died of a heart attack while riding on a train in north korea. i don't think kim jong-il was little, but the train he died on was going around his christmas tree. okay? [ rim shot ] that's -- okay. that's what it is. yeah, anyway -- [ applause ] kim -- kim jong-il's body is now on a -- on display in a glass coffin. not actually a glass coffin, it's a butter dish with a clear cover on it. it's not --

[ laughter ] it's not really a big -- just a a small thing, you know? >> rickey: that's small. >> jay: well, have you seen the video of all the north koreans crying at the death of this dictator? see, i don't know if it had anything to do with kim jong-il. i just think they're very sensitive people. like, i watched the news today from north korea on our feed. take a look. [ speaking in foreign language ] [ laughter and applause ] >> jay: she's very upset. very upset. lovely people. and the pro adultery website ashleymadison.com. have you heard of this? look at all the guys go, "yep. oh, no." look, i saw like three guys go, "yeah, oh, no, no, i never heard of it." well, it's a website for married people that want to cheat. that's what it is. anyway, they've come out and endorsed newt gingrich for

president. [ laughter ] yeah, yeah. they have. they did, it's real. i guess it's a way of thanking him for all the years of business. we really appreciate all you've done for us. [ applause ] and -- and sarah palin is dropping hints she might jump back into the race for president because she is not impressed with any of the candidates so far. [ laughter ] well, how does that make rick perry feel, huh? i mean, he's been impersonating sarah palin all these weeks. and now she comes in and takes the stupid vote again? come on. that's not fair. anyway rick -- [ applause ] rick perry told reporters this week he has a permit to carry a a concealed handgun. he also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues -- [ laughter ] -- concealed tolerance, a lot of that. a lot of that. hey, there's been a lot of change in the polls though lately. it's unbelievable. president obama's ratings are up.

ron paul is leading in the polls in iowa, mitt romney and newt gingrich are in a tie, and rick santorum is still two points behind kim jong-il. [ laughter ] okay, so, he -- he's got a way to go. oh -- and president obama has postponed his vacation in hawaii until the tax situation is worked out. you know, he was supposed to go to hawaii. and you can see it's on his mind. you can see he's anxious to go. did you see him today? i mean -- well, take a look. >> i'm calling on the speaker and the house republican leadership to bring up the senate bill for a vote. give the american people the assurance they need in this holiday season. thank you. [ talking over each other ] [ applause ] >> jay: well, according to another new survey, 85% of grandparents are in favor of legalizing marijuana. wow, you thought your grandparents ate dinner early now. [ laughter ] and when you think about it -- i mean -- [ applause ]

how slow is grandpa gonna drive when he's stoned? oh, my god. [ light laughter ] well, according to a new study, wi-fi can cause damage to sperm cells. if your house has wi-fi, it may be damaging your sperm. okay, here's my question. all right? where are you putting your router if the wi-fi -- [ laughter ] i mean -- and according to researchers in france, maggots are faster than surgeons at cleaning a wound. maggots actually clean a wound faster. you know something? i'm not in that big a hurry. okay? [ laughter ] you know, doc, take your time, really. a guy can just -- rather than cover me with maggots. hey, have you know what kobe's been doing the last couple exhibition games? he's been doing something called, bryanting. do you know what that is? kobe bryanting? it's like tebowing. except when kobe gets down on one knee, he's praying for a a good divorce lawyer. [ laughter ] it's a little similar to tebowing. [ applause ]

hey -- and kris humphries has signed a one-year deal with the new jersey nets for $8 million. remember the last multimillion-dollar deal he signed lasted only 72 days. so this is a whole year. [ light laughter ] this will be a good one. hey, thomas haden church on the show tonight. he's from the -- [ cheers and applause ] yes, terrific actor. he's from this new -- great family movie. it's called "we bought a zoo." and they're already working on the sequel. in the sequel the family falls on hard times, that's called "we ate a zebra." it's a good movie, too. it's a lovely, wonderful story. [ laughter ] and "fear factor" doing really well here at nbc. you know, they've already come up with a spinoff. have you seen the ads? just take a look. >> announcer: in three -- [ screams ] >> announcer: two -- >> whoa! >> announcer: one. [ screams ] >> announcer: coming next monday on nbc. "deer factor." [ light laughter ] the buck stops here.

"deer factor." next monday at 8/7 central only on nbc. oh, deer! [ applause ] folks, we'll be right back with holiday pranks, and thomas haden church. say hello to rickey minor and "the tonight show" band. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ding dong ding, dong ♪ ♪ that is their song, with joyful ring all caroling, ♪ ♪ne seems to hear rds of good cheer, om everywhere, ♪ ♪ filling the air oh how they pound, ising the sound, ♪

♪ o'er hill and dale, telling their tale gaily they ring, ♪ ♪ while people sing songs of good cheer, christmas is here. ♪ ♪ ♪ here ...this is my world. this place inspires me... ...to be tougher... ...to stay sharper... ...to think faster. they may be just streets to you... ...but to me... ...they're a playground. ♪ never stop loving you ♪ ♪ 'cause i'm alive, ♪ sign and drive the fiat 500 pop, for $199 a month. with zero down and zero due at signing, for well qualified lessees. it's like this... now you do it... ♪ [ knock on door ] cool. you found it. wow. nice place. yeah. [ chuckles ] the family thinks i'm out shipping these. smooth move. you used priority

mail flat rate boxes. if it fits, it ships for a low, flat rate. paid for postage online and arranged a free pickup. and i'm gonna track them online, too. nice. between those boxes and this place, i'm totally staying sane this year. do i smell snickerdoodles? maybe. [ timer dings ] got to go. priority mail flat rate shipping at usps.com. a simpler way to ship.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: all righty! welcome back. great show tonight. a fine actor, starring with matt damon in the new movie "we bought a zoo." our good buddy, thomas haden church is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] yes. and we've got the leading authority on turtles in central kentucky. we get so much mail about turtles in central kentucky, we had to bring him back. a real character, "turtleman" ernie brown jr. will join us as well. [ cheers and applause ] he's brought some turtles, we've got a huge 50-pound turtle. you'll see that as well. also on the show tonight, our christmas music week continues with a true music legend, the one, the only, johnny mathis is here tonight.

[ cheers and applause ] johnny mathis. we're very excited about that. i started my career touring with johnny mathis. the nicest man in show business. and i'm thrilled that he's here, so -- tomorrow night, we've got jonah hill, and nba all-star, chris paul on the show. and coming friday, terry bradshaw. santa himself, terry bradshaw will be here. [ applause ] now folks, the holidays are supposed to be a time of peace on earth and good will towards men. however, some people say to hell with that and like to pull pranks on their friends and family. then they post video on youtube. we have invited three of the most popular ones to join us for "holiday pranks." ♪ >> jay: all righty. like you, i'm meeting these people for the first time. where's rachel and carol. oh, hi, guys. >> jay: you're rachel? and you're carol? >> i'm carol. >> jay: hi, how are you? now, what is this relationship? >> she's my grandma. >> jay: that's your grandma. okay, and where do you guys live? >> new jersey. >> jay: new jersey. okay, very good. and what do you do? >> i'm a neuroscience major at

colgate university. >> jay: okay. and grandma? >> a personal trainer and a a group fitness instructor. >> jay: oh, a group -- oh, wow, a personal trainer. wow, very good. [ applause ] wow, that's very good. very good. and do you work out with your grandma? >> i have before. >> jay: you have before, but you don't really get into it. >> she's in better shape than i am. it's scary. >> jay: wow, she looks great, she looks great. and what? and you pulled the prank on your grandmother? >> yes. >> jay: oh, shame on you. [ i mean, did she deserv >> no. >> jay: no. >> no. >> jay: all right, let's take a a look and see what it is. >> you've got to get up. >> i can't. >> you have to. >> just sit on your knees. >> it's something lindsey made for you. >> i thought it was rachel. >> i'm afraid. [ screams ] [ laughter ] >> aww, they're cute. [ applause ] >> jay: what was that? what is that? and that was for hanukkah? >> yes. >> jay: so that means there are

eight more days of rats? is that what that means? >> yeah, that's a smart idea. >> jay: did you keep the rats, grandma? >> no, i did not. thank you. >> jay: really? but, you looked genuinely frightened. were you genuinely frightened by that? >> scared to death. >> jay: really? scared to death. well, we have something for you. adam, come on down, here. >> all right. >> jay: here we go. i think you'll enjoy this. are you computer literate, grandma? >> yes. >> jay: well, this is quicken. this is will maker. you can change your will. [ laughter and applause ] rachel -- >> cut her out. >> jay: that's right. you can just cut her out, and it makes it very easy to do. all right? so, all you -- you just delete her. she doesn't exist. >> that's it. >> jay: and here's dinner at morton's for you two. morton's steakhouse. there you are, happy hanukkah. happy hanukkah, grandma. okay. [ applause ] where is colin and nash? colin and nash! sounds like a detective series on bet. hi guys, how you doing? "they're colin and nash, they fight crim"

and where are guys you from? [ both together ] >> virginia. >> jay: virginia. wow, they talk together too. that's amazing. two guys sharing a brain. that's unbelievable. okay, what do you do? are you students? are you working? what do you do? >> yes, we're in college. >> we go to odu. >> jay: huh? >> old dominion university. >> jay: okay, and what is your major? >> marine biology. >> jay: marine biology, and you? >> studio art. >> jay: studio? >> art. >> jay: art. studio art. okay. very good. now who pulled the prank on who? >> well, i pulled the prank on >> jay: you pulled the prank on nash. okay, let's take a look at wha they did. so mean. >> what? >> okay, here goes at $10,000. >> $10,000. cool. here? >> that'll do. >> hit me. [ bleep ] >> dude, nuh-uh! >> are you for real? >> [ bleep ] i won $10,000! one, two, three! >> dude, read the back, read the back. >> 5,000 and 10,000 prizes may be claimed at the -- ya -- ya mama's house. ya mama's house or by mail

using the claim form supplied by the booth fairy. please sign and mail -- [ laughter ] >> dude, those are fake tickets from spencer's, dog. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jay: no, no, no. oh, man! did you really think you had won? >> yes, i did. >> jay: are you guys still friends? [ both together ] >> just for the show. [ laughter ] >> jay: well, look, we can't give you the $10,000. but we can do almost as good. adam? >> oh, here we go. immensely heavy, right from the bottom. >> jay: there's 10,000 pennies. there you go, we have 10,000 pennies right there. >> now, will coinstar take this? >> jay: oh, yeah. coinstar. that'll be fine. and you'll have no trouble getting on the plane with that as well. [ laughter ] oh, and we also have -- what do we have here? oh, dinner for two at morton's. >> yes, indeed. >> jay: there we go. there you go. and you can leave this as your

tip. there you go, guys. thank you very much, gentlemen, merry christmas to you. bye-bye, guys. all right. be right -- oh, oh! oh, oh, i forgot, i forgot, i forgot. with all these mean spirited pranks, i received a christmas video from a beautiful young -- as you know, i am happily married. but -- every now and then you get these attractive women. they want to send you a little something, you know? and well, i must admit i was flattered when i got this. well here, take a look. ♪ >> hi, gorgeous. sorry i can't be with you this christmas. but i've got a sexy surprise for you. ♪ ♪ [ light laughter ]

[ screams ] [ applause ] >> jay: gotcha, gotcha, gotcha! i get a dinner at morton's! be right back with thomas haden church, right after this. happy hanukkah, you guys! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ horse neighs ] you're leaving. it is my destiny. ♪ ♪ take this. it is a piece of me. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] it's movie time. with a wii twist. netflix now delivers unlimited tv episodes and movies instantly through wii and nintendo 3ds. all for only 8 bucks a month. seriously, what is it? vo: look! the old navy funnovations inc. tree is exploding with $5 gifts. thermals and performance fleece are just $5.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: all right, and my first guest, one of our favorite emmy winning and oscar nominated actors. before he comes out, take a a look at some of his films. he's a terrific actor. here we go. >> i am the richest, smartest, handsomest guy here. so i get to go first. >> are you a writer, too? >> no. i'm an actor. >> anything on right now? >> perhaps. do you recognize this? now, with the low, low, 5.8% apr financing. >> everyone is putting everything up on facebook. i don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every

thought, but i can assure you, they're not all diamonds. i don't want to hurt you. leave now. >> i guess you haven't heard. i'm the sheriff around these parts. >> okay. ♪ >> uh-oh! [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: he stars with matt damon in the new film "we bought a zoo." it opens this friday. please welcome thomas haden church! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: how are you, buddy? good to see you. >> i'm doing well. >> jay: did you see our christmas pranks? >> i love that one. was that the woman from paranormal activity? >> jay: yeah.