and the music of il volo. and now, jay leno! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television captions by vitac www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: i gotta go to work. thank you very much! gentlemen! welcome to "the tonight show." now, how many of you are here only 'cause you couldn't find a a parking space at the mall? be honest, i'm just curious. [ laughter ] oh boy -- welcome. well, you know, i love how

people always say, and someone said this to me this week, "boy, christmas really just snuck up on me this year." have you heard that? >> rickey: yeah. >> jay: is that possible this day and age? christmas sneaks up on you, huh? [ laughter ] i mean, when do they start playing "jingle bells" in the stores? after labor day? wasn't it about labor day, huh? [ laughter ] i mean, i saw santa on halloween, okay? there's no excuse. oh, boy! [ cheers and applause ] oh, and they say -- here's a strange little fact. they say every year at this time, sales of premium quality toilet paper increases because people want to impress their holiday guests. [ laughter ] >> rickey: wow. >> jay: not at my house, okay? i use the scratchy one-ply stuff to keep the in-laws from getting too comfortable. [ laughter ] you know, just use that -- just, you know, that real cheap -- you know that brown cardboard. [ applause ] i try to get the corrugated. that seems to work. [ laughter ] well, the pope came out again this week against materialism.

he says for christmastime, the pope believes instead of giving material presents, you should give of yourself. you can really tell the pope's not married, can't you, huh? [ laughter ] guys, you try to -- "present? why, honey, i gave you the gift of me. [ laughter ] oh!" [ applause ] anyway president -- president obama did some christmas shopping at a a best buy in virginia yesterday, and they always say what the president bought. "oh, he got the girls two video games." why do they say that? they ruin it. but anyway, they showed him at the best buy, and there was one uncomfortable moment for the president. i don't know if you saw -- take a look. >> so, let's see if my credit card still works. [ beep ] all right. >> sorry, mr. president -- [ beep ] >> jay: oh -- ooh, $15 trillion over. [ cheers and applause ]

earlier this week, venezuelan president hugo chavez called president obama a clown and an embarrassment. hey, let me tell you, you don't talk about our president that way. our vice president, sure, that would be fine, but not -- [ laughter ] not our president. oh, how about this? this annoyed me. wisconsin congressman jim sensenbrenner is now apologizing after attacking michelle obama's body type. he said "she lectures us on eating right while she has a a large posterior herself." [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] isn't that insulting? well, here's the worst part. here's a photo of jim sensenbrenner. hello? [ laughter ] hello? please! huh? [ applause ] come on! isn't that like newt gingrich attacking you for cheating? come on! [ laughter ] please! [ cheers and applause ] oh, anyway, oh -- well, according to the census bureau, the number of women getting pregnant is at its lowest rate in 70 years.

so, apparently that nba strike had a bigger effect on america than we thought. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] apparently, that really, really hit home. yeah, really hit home. and congressman anthony weiner, remember him? the peter tweeter? you all know that guy. [ laughter ] >> rickey: yeah, yeah. >> jay: well, he and is his wife, huma, have given birth to a baby boy. he posted a photo of the new baby on twitter, but people are afraid to open it. [ laughter ] nah, i'm not going to go there. anyway, little weiner looks cute. so, that's good. [ laughter ] >> rickey: oh! >> jay: well, here's a a wonderful christmas story. it's always nice to see these things about this time of year. an arizona man, a guy believed to be brain dead, a guy who was poised to be an organ donor. he was like hours away from being an organ donor, miraculously recovers just hours before doctors were going to take him off life support. the guy was brain dead, and now he's on the road to recovery. you know what that means? there is hope for rick perry. they can maybe do something. [ laughter ] they might be able to -- [ applause ] ♪

well, the nfl and nbc announced today that this year's super bowl will be available online and in streaming video. you can actually watch the super bowl on your cell phone. imagine that. which is great news for kobe bryant because, you know, the wife got the big screen. so, he's going to have to be watching -- [ laughter ] going to be watching on the little -- [ applause ] hey, the newest clipper, chris paul on the show tonight. very excited about that. [ cheers and applause ] and last night, the clippers beat the lakers for the second time in a row. [ cheers and applause ] well, as you know, kobe didn't play because he tore tendons in his wrist. you know how he injured his wrist? yanking the wedding ring off too fast. [ laughter ] you pull it -- he throws it off. oh, you think his wrist hurts now? wait until he starts writing those alimony checks. ahh! [ laughter and applause ] ahh! ahh! well, japanese scientists have developed a new device for sufferers of sleep apnea.

it does something clever. when it detects your snoring -- here's the story. this is real. look at this. ♪ >> are you looking for a gift for someone with sleep apnea? how about a teddy bear pillow that nudges them when they start snoring? the pillow is designed to gently tap light snorers. it's a bit more forceful with average snorers, and for those with a serious snoring problem, it does this. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jay: well, experts say there's now a huge problem with computers crashing all over the country. it's called the fedex virus. do you know about this? do you see the video of the fedex guy who was caught on a a home security camera throwing a box with a computer monitor? you know, it says fragile. the guy takes the box, throws it over the fence and just smashes it on the other side. the fedex guy just smashes it. well, it looks like the guy is going to be fired. but the good news -- today, he got offered a new job as an

airport baggage handler. [ laughter ] so, it's going to work out okay. [ cheers and applause ] oh, what else? well, a new study has found that joggers who had a cup of coffee before a run run faster. and joggers who had a cup of coffee and a bran muffin ran even faster than that. [ laughter ] just really fast. well, once again, it's time for something we call "the differences between moms and dads." this time, it involves dental hygiene. okay, take a look. ♪ >> jay: all right, here's mom. watch mom. okay. now, see mom, being very careful. >> whee! good job. >> jay: there you go, look at that. nurturing, helping the kid. here's dad. okay. [ laughter ] >> let me see your tooth. tie it down there. [ laughter ] >> is this going to hurt? >> i don't know, you're going to have to tell me after. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ]

>> it worked! >> jay: yes! yeah! [ applause ] well, according to a new online poll, 85% of grandparents are in favor of legalizing marijuana. 85%. really? [ applause ] really? how many you think the grandchildren helped grandma and grandpa use the computer to fill out the online questionnaire? [ laughter ] "oh yeah, yeah. yeah, check that one, grandma." yeah, oh, yeah, that's -- press that, press enter. yeah, press enter, grandma." [ applause ] and the time warner cable company is now getting into the home security business. oh, please. that should work out great, huh? you're in the closet, on the phone. "there's an intruder in the house. i think they're going to kill me." "yeah, we'll have someone there next thursday between eight and five. we'll try to get somebody out there." [ laughter ] anyway -- oh, listen to this. [ cheers and applause ] according to a new report, the number of moms who have gotten jobs as phone sex operators has increased 400% in the last 18 months.

see, obama is creating jobs. [ laughter ] why do people say -- why do people say he is not? that -- anyway, they had a a story on these moms that are doing these -- well, here, it's interesting. >> i'm victoria. >> a large number of the phone sex lines advertised in ads like this are actually voiced by moms like this. [ laughter ] today's phone sex operators come from all walks of life. and why do they do it? >> well, i have a regular job, but i use the money i make from phone sex to make ends meet. [ laughter ] >> jay: wayne? >> what the -- >> jay: what's going on? wayne? [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: we'll be right back with "christmas movie and tv fails" and jonah hill. say hello to rickey minor and "the tonight show" band! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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man: i propose 3 cheers for those we leave behind. hip hip hooray! [cheering] father: congratulations. it's in paper now. [laughs] great job. congratulations. i'm proud of you. all right. oh, fine. ensign elliot. who's gonna salute him? guys, who gets to salute him first? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: welcome back. we've got a terrific show for you tonight.

he is nominated for a a golden globe award for his role opposite brad pitt in the movie "moneyball." jonah hill. jonah hill tonight. boy, what a great job he does in this picture. [ cheers and applause ] and the newest member of the los angeles clippers, four-time nba all-star chris paul is here. chris paul is here. [ cheers and applause ] look at him setting up this alley-oop. take a look. take a look. >> inbound pass stolen by billups. >> look out! >> here come the clippers. there goes griffin. slam dunk! >> they get it to paul and it's just easy pickins from there on. the most dynamic duo. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: clippers look good. all right. also tonight, our week of christmas songs continues with a special performance from il volo. [ cheers and applause ] il volo. and join us tomorrow. father christmas himself, terry bradshaw will be here. all right. you know, i love christmas, especially all the great christmas movies and the specials that come on this time of year. there are also some really horrible christmas movies and tv shows. some so bad, you probably have

never even seen them until now. until now, because it's time to check out some "christmas movie and tv fails." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: well, "rudolph the red-nosed reindeer," that's always -- that is a classic. it's a great little stop-motion tv special. here is one -- this one didn't work out so well. it's about an elf named barry who -- [ light laughter ] who just keeps kissing up to santa and i think -- well, you be the judge. >> ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. hello, everyone. i have some announcements. >> oh, my god. i love your announcements so much, santa. so i can't, like, wait. everybody, please. he's gonna make an announcement. so, like, be quiet because it's going be awesome. >> right, well, i'm thinking of bringing extra presents to the children this year. >> oh, my god. i had the same idea and you said it. that is hilarious. >> which means we should start packing right now. >> oh, my god.

i was, like, doing it already. look. i have all these presents and she's, like, not doing anything. >> and since we'll have more presents, we should leave earlier this year. >> that is such an awesome idea. it was, like, in my head. why -- why -- what are you doing with that? no! santa! ♪ barry the brow-nosed elf ♪ ♪ the elf all the other elves hated so we put him into the bag ♪ ♪ where he slowly suffocated ♪ >> ho, ho, ho, ho. merry christmas! [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: i think that sends the wrong message to the young kids. >> rickey: yeah, it does. >> jay: well, as you know, tom hanks had a huge success with "the polar express." it was such a big hit and inspired our own gary busey. you know gary. >> rickey: yeah. >> jay: well, gary -- he took it upon himself to do his own version and i don't -- again, here are some clips. >> all aboard! come on, kids! you're wasting my time! >> well -- [ laughter ] are you coming? >> where? >> why, anywhere your little brain wants to go. this is the bi-polar express! [ laughter ] >> it's all about mood swings. one minute you're laughing, the

next you're crying. and once you've ridden on the bi-polar express, your head will be as whacked out as mine. >> but -- but -- >> now that i told you what you're getting into, which of you kids wants to get off this wild ride? >> me! >> me! >> too late! >> whoo-hoo! [ train whistle ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: wow. i think that was frightening to children! now, country music stars have always had christmas specials. kenny rogers, more recently garth brooks. how many remember wick tompkins? see, see. this -- again -- [ laughter ] that's so sad because this -- this guy was on the brink of superstardom. he was huge. people liked him. he made a mistake. he did a christmas special that aired in the '70s. and i think, something about it just turned people off. well, here. here, take a look. [ applause ] ♪

>> this is for the children. ♪ my daughter lucille asked if santa was real with hopefulness in her eyes ♪ ♪ so i went into town and put my money down and bought me a santa disguise ♪ ♪ then i went down to the bus station and befriended a drifter named steve ♪ ♪ named steve i told him i'd give him 100 bucks to come my chimney on christmas eve ♪ ♪ he made good on the deal and me and lucille watched as he filled the stockings ♪ ♪ now that my daughter believes i had to kill steve to keep the drifter from talking ♪ [ laughter ] >> merry christmas. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: just -- just --

it's too much. i know. i mean -- just left out that stanza about killing the drifter, i think it would have been fine. now, the "twilight" series is been one of the most successful movie franchises in years. just huge. now, they recently tried to release a holiday version of "twilight," and i think -- i don't think this works. i think it was -- well, i can't -- [ light laughter ] ♪ >> i, bella swan, take you to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live. [ laughter ] ♪ [ grunting ] >> ho, ho! ho, ho!

>> jay: too graphic, i think. >> rickey: yeah, not for the kids. >> jay: i don't want to see santa doing that. >> rickey: no. >> jay: now, "the little drummer boy" was another stop-motion -- [ light laughter ] stop-motion special in the '60s. remember "the little drummer boy?" >> rickey: yeah. >> jay: you know, it was -- it was perfect. it was perfect the way they did it. but they wanted to make it hipper for today's young people. and then they made this version. i -- i -- i don't think it's as good. >> yo, yo, yo, yo! the miracle birth just got fresh! it's "the little drummer boy-ie!" with the voices of eminem. >> i don't want no gold, fool. >> snoop dog! >> i'm so high. >> jay-z as the pop and lock camel and samuel jackson. >> there's a savior in the house! ♪ go, jesus it's your birthday ♪ what?! >> ya'll be chilling in the bethle-hizzle! >> of god. >> ra-pa-pa-pow, pow, pow, pow!

>> oh! >> it's "the little drummer boy-ie!" >> word. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: yeah. all right. we'll be right back with jonah hill, right after this! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ vo: look! the old navy funnovations inc. tree is exploding with $5 gifts. thermals and performance fleece are just $5. graphic tees too! how do you like that? our big $5 finale ends saturday. at

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