the music of chris isaak. and "jaywalking." and now, jay leno! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television captions by vitac www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc studios >> jay: happy hanukkah. merry christmas. thank you very much. thank you. thank you. well, folks, just one more day until christmas.

[ applause ] so guys, if you haven't finished with your shopping yet, still not too late to fake your own death. [ laughter ] okay? you know, i can't believe how far ahead we get on these holidays. i was at the mall last night. they had the easter bunny there. come on. slow down. pace yourself. you know, at the mall out here every holiday season they have a guy that will put your name, or someone else's name, you and your loved one, on a grain of rice. you ever see this guy? they engrave your name on a a grain of rice as a gift. it's like, you know what that guy does the rest of the year? he writes the fine print on your bank's credit card agreement. that's his other job. [ cheers and applause ] oh, folks, once again it's time for a bit that we like to call "the most wonderful time of the year." ♪ it's the most wonderful time of the year ♪

>> ah! ♪ of the year ♪ >> jay: oh. i tell you -- you got to hand it to santa claus. you know -- i mean, how many guys can tell their wives they're staying out all night and not coming back home until they empty their sack. [ laughter ] not many guys can do that. not many guys can do that. that's an inappropriate holiday joke. >> rickey: it is inappropriate. >> jay: but, it's the last day. well, "usa today" this week listed the top six ways to relieve holiday stress. they were vodka, whiskey, beer, rum, wine, and more beer. i believe those were the top six. [ light laughter ] actually, i got -- i got a a beautiful christmas gift today from kim kardashian. they were crystal champagne wedding flutes. in fact, they're just like the ones -- hey, wait a minute. [ light laughter ] >> rickey: oh.

>> jay: folks, it's time for another "the most wonderful time of the year." ♪ it's the most wonderful time of the year ♪ [ gun shots ] ♪ of the year ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: santa gets a little stressed out. well, president obama went christmas shopping at a best buy in virginia this week. he had to go to best buy because he is not allowed to go to wal-mart because china said, "hey, you can't buy any more stuff until you pay us what you already owe us. you are out of here. take a hike." anyway, while -- while he was shopping at best buy out of force of habit president obama put everything on lay-away. he told the store, "don't worry about it, our grandkids will pay for it. it's fine." [ laughter ] >> rickey: oh. >> jay: hey, folks, the payroll tax extension passed the house and the senate by unanimous consent.

and this is a procedural move allowing it to pass even though most members of congress were already home for the holidays. they weren't even there. only 12 people out of 535 were there, and they got it done. imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them. [ laughter ] get rid of that that last 12. [ cheers and applause ] amazing. amazing. let me ask you something, i think president obama is kind of sneaky. remember he said he was postponing his vacation in hawaii until the payroll tax extension passed. remember he said that? he did something the other day that made me think that i don't know if he -- well, you be the judge. >> with respect to my vacation, i would not ask anybody to do something i'm not willing to do myself. i know some of you might have been looking forward to a a little sun and sand. but, the bottom line is that we are going stay here as long as it takes to make sure that the american people -- and make sure that --

[ applause ] >> jay: he is already -- he is already on vacation. [ applause ] yeah. well, the independent super pack supporting mitt romney announced it will suspend anti-newt gingrich ads during christmas eve and christmas day. yeah, yeah. they said they're doing it out of respect to gingrich, his family, and his mistresses. so, i thought that was very nice. [ laughter ] hey, yesterday in new york city donald trump officially changed his political affiliation from republican to independent. donald's hair switched from pelt to carpet sample. [ laughter ] it's changing. oh. and john edwards, remember that sleaze ball, ran for president? well, is he asking that his upcoming criminal trial be delayed because he has been diagnosed with a medical condition. let's hope it's erectile dysfunction.

[ laughter ] okay. thank you. oh, and speaking of erectile, former new york congressman anthony wiener, remember him? [ laughter ] remember the peter tweeter, remember that guy? this has a happy ending, no pun intended. >> rickey: oh. [ laughter ] >> jay: he and his wife just gave birth to a baby boy. and the baby boy tweeted his first photo. here it is. take a look. there it is right there. [ laughter ] like father like son. well, here's a christmas story that has a happy ending for a a family. this is great news. that missing arizona state university student, remember she was missing? she was found after being stranded in her car stuck in a a snow bank for ten days because she went off the road. buried in a snow bank for ten days. she survived on candy bars and melted snow for water. believe me, those survival skills will come in handy after she graduates and tries to find

a job. [ laughter and applause ] she's now learned -- and according to the immigration bureau, illegal immigration is at its lowest point since the year 2000. they say the two biggest factors are the economy and the fact that everybody is already here. they're all here already. there's really nobody left to come over. [ applause ] oh, and kim jong-un, the son of the late north korean dictator kim jong il is now running the country. show his picture. show us the picture. there he is there. yeah. yeah. today he issued his first order. two big macs, large fry -- [ laughter and applause ] well, here's an amazing story. airport police in rome have arrested a super model trying to smuggle five and a half pounds of cocaine inside her breast implants and butt implants. she was hiding cocaine in her implants. security described it as the greatest pat-down ever. [ laughter and applause ]

ever. now, let me ask you something. i don't -- [ applause ] i don't know how the law works. but, if you have drugs hidden in your implants, would that be a drug bust? i'm not sure. [ laughter ] and if you have them in your butt, would that be crack cocaine? [ laughter ] i don't know. i don't know. i'm asking. i'm just -- i don't know. i'm asking. i don't know -- >> rickey: sounds like to me. >> jay: i don't know the law. i'm asking. well, here's a landmark case. the pennsylvania supreme court ruled that a woman can trade sex for sports tickets as long as it's not a business. so, guys, if your wife or girlfriend gives you season tickets to the lakers as a a christmas gift, don't even ask. [ laughter ] just say thank you. thank you very much.

hey, what do you think of this? the time warner cable company is now getting into the home security business. oh, please. how about getting into the reliable cable business first? do that one. learn that one. then you get something else. [ applause ] well, here's a sign of the times. the washington state ferry service has had to reduce the capacity of its ferry system because americans have gotten so much fatter over the last 20 years. they can no longer fit as many people on the ferry boat. even how bad it's gotten -- a lot of americans now just swim along side and eat plankton. [ light laughter ] eat some plankton. and 104-year-old greek man has become the world's oldest facebook user. he says, "you're never too late too waste what little time you have left." i think that's nice. well, here's a very odd story. according to the british medical journal case report doctors removed a pen that a a 76-year-old woman actually swallowed 25 years ago.

and the pen still works. yeah. here's the most amazing part. the last 25 years she's been attached to a counter at the bank. [ laughter ] yeah. hey! here you go. it's the time of the week that we call "bet you didn't see that coming." this features a frog and a a smartphone. take a look. ♪ ♪ [ laughter and applause ] hey, i read this in "sports illustrated." there's a new exercise book called "felon fitness." it shows you how to get in shape by doing the same exercises the prisoners do. and one of them shows a a prisoner doing a push-up with

another prisoner on his back. that's not an exercise. [ laughter ] i don't think that's an -- i'm just saying. well, here's a story. it turned out to be a hoax. but, it was reported -- you may have seen this reported earlier in the week. two dutch television hosts had a piece of their buttocks flesh cut off. a chef cooked it, and they ate it on their show. >> rickey: oh. >> jay: imagine if they did that with the kardashians. we could solve world hunger. [ laughter ] we could solve world hunger. we'll be back with "jaywalking" and terry bradshaw. say hello to rickey minor and the "tonight show" band. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ ♪ [ jennifer ] no matter where you're from... ♪ ♪ ...elegance... ♪ ♪ ...is hard work. ♪ ♪ it's taking style... ♪ whatever you want me to ♪ ...performance... ♪ i'm gonna see you through ♪ ...and originality and making them look easy. ♪ i can breathe, i can feel ♪ ♪ i believe ♪

♪ and there ain't no doubt about it ♪

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grab the cool sensation of mint today. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: welcome back! we have a fun holiday show for you tonight. he's a four-time super bowl winner, who's in the pro football hall of fame -- our good buddy terry bradshaw. [ cheers and applause ] terry bradshaw --

since it's christmas, i'm going to be nice to terry bradshaw tonight. since it's christmas. since it's christmas. 'cause, you know, he -- he's not getting any younger, and so i'm going to be -- [ light laughter ] so, i'm going to treat him with respect. >> rickey: yeah. >> jay: and also -- oh, one of the most delightful young ladies now, a very talented young actress, 12-year-old actress, bailee madison. bailee madison is here well. >> rickey: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: and later, singing the holiday song "blue christmas," the incredible chris isaak. chris isaak will be performing tonight. [ cheers and applause ] now, folks -- [ applause ] a lot of people like to go christmas caroling. some people are good at it. some really are not good at it. so, we thought we'd go to the americana at brand -- at brand, rather. that's a beautiful shopping mall here in glendale. and we just picked people, asked them a few questions, and then you, the audience, have to guess whether they're a good caroler or a bad caroler. it's very easy to play. [ light laughter ] here, take a look. ♪ >> jay: hi, what's your name? >> my name's chelsea.

>> jay: chelsea, where you from? >> i'm from la canada. >> jay: la canada. and what do you do? >> i'm going to arizona state. i'm doing accounting and computer science. >> jay: accounting and computer science. [ snores ] i'm sorry. i must have dozed off. no, it sounds exciting. >> a little bit. >> jay: have you ever seen "the voice"? >> i have. >> jay: yes. >> 'cause of blake shelton. >> jay: oh, blake shelton. >> big country fan. >> jay: her name's chelsea. she goes to arizona state, studying accounting and computer science. she likes country, but is she a a good caroler or a bad caroler? [ sleigh bells ] [ audience yells ] ♪ rocking around the christmas tree have a happy holiday ♪ [ light laughter ] ♪ everyone's dancing merrily in a new old-fashioned way ♪ >> not my best performance. >> jay: hi, what's your name? >> jeff. >> jay: jeff, what do you do? >> i engineer. >> jay: engineer. like at amtrak or what? >> no, i work for nestle. >> jay: you ever been to a a karaoke bar? >> i have. >> jay: just the way you say it makes it sound like it didn't go well.

>> well, usually i have a a couple drinks in me before i go. >> jay: you have a couple -- you always have a few drinks before you go to the karaoke bar. do you have any hobbies? >> i like to ski. >> jay: and where are you from originally? >> colorado. >> jay: oh, colorado. okay. from colorado, likes winter sports, has done karaoke, but only after a few drinks. >> a few. >> jay: and what are you drinking? >> i'd say rum and a coke. >> jay: rum and a coke. and how many of those before you get on stage? >> oh, at least six. >> jay: at least six. [ laughter ] okay, six rum and cokes, and he becomes a karaoke singer. but is he a good caroler or a a bad caroler? [ sleigh bells ] [ audience yells ] ♪ rudolph the red-nosed reindeer reindeer had a very bright nose bright nose ♪ [ light laughter ] ♪ but everyone --♪ >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jay: okay, can i get six rum and cokes? six rum and cokes here, please. you know, what you need is a a little accompaniment. i think it might sound okay. ♪ rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose and if you ever saw it you would say it glows ♪

>> jay: okay. better. better. [ light laughter ] hi, this is tony, right? >> yes, sir. >> jay: tony, what do you do? >> computers. >> jay: ah, computer guy. okay. live in your parent's basement? >> not anymore. >> jay: not anymore. [ laughter ] married or single? >> married. >> jay: oh, you are married. okay. >> expecting our first baby. >> jay: oh, congratulations. >> thank you. >> jay: that's very exciting. have you ever done karaoke? >> i have. my mom made me do it on a a cruise ship actually. >> jay: you go on a lot of cruises with your mom? [ laughter ] >> this was the first one. >> jay: are you more likely to watch a movie that is a musical or action adventure? >> i really like action adventure. >> jay: action adventure. >> like "star wars" is my favorite. >> jay: like "star wars." okay. "star wars" are your favorite. what are the odds that a wars"? [ laughter ] okay, this is tony. big computer guy. went on a cruise with his mom is he a good caroler or bad caroler? [ audience yells ] ♪ ♪ o come all ye faithful joyful and triumphant ♪ [ applause ]

>> jay: in latin. [ singing in latin ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: really, really good. really good. >> merry christmas. >> jay: very good, sir. hi, who are you? >> angelee williams. >> jay: angelee, what do you do? >> i'm a student. >> jay: what are you studying? >> sports psychology. >> jay: are you an athlete yourself? >> i used to be. >> jay: used to be. what is your favorite sport? >> softball. >> jay: softball, okay. were you a cheerleader? >> ooh, no. >> jay: no. [ light laughter ] no -- that's, like, too girly? >> yeah. >> jay: yeah, it's girly. what other activities do you like to do in your free time? >> i used to work out. >> jay: used to work out. then what happened? how old are you now? >> i'm 19. >> jay: take a break. you're killing yourself.

[ laughter ] this is angelee. she's 19. doesn't like to work out anymore. woo. 19, please. take a break. likes softball. hates cheerleaders. but is she a good caroler or a a bad caroler? [ audience yells ] ♪ i'm dreaming of a white christmas ♪ just like the ones i used to know ♪ ♪ where the treetops glisten and children sing to hear sleigh bells in the snow ♪ [ light laughter ] ♪ i'm dreaming of a white christmas ♪ >> jay: yeah, i'm not dreaming at all, okay? [ laughter and applause ] i'm having a -- i'm having a a nightmare. yeah. i'm talking with? >> deborah. >> jay: deborah, where you from? >> i'm originally from lake charles, louisiana. >> jay: i've been down there@ that's where they have the fire going on the top of the oil well all the time, right? >> yeah, that's right. >> jay: married or single? >> used to be married. >> jay: used to be married. you got kids? >> no. my brother has six kids. >> jay: oh, okay. you're the cool aunt? >> i'm the cool aunt. >> jay: the cool, swinging single aunt. very good. >> that's me. >> jay: well, this is deborah.

she's from lake charles, louisiana. and she's a cool aunt. she likes music, but is she a a good caroler or a bad caroler? [ audience yells ] [ sleigh bells ] ♪ i just want you for my own [ cheers ] ♪ more than you will ever know make my dreams come true ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ baby all i want for christmas is you ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, jay. >> jay: really, really good. [ cheers and applause ] you never can tell. be right back with terry bradshaw! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer

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