and making them look easy. ♪ i can breathe, i can feel ♪ ♪ i believe ♪ ♪ and there ain't no doubt about it ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jay: all righty. my first guest, one of our favorites, he's a pro football hall of famer and a three-time emmy winner. you can see him every sunday morning on america's most watched pregame show. fox "nfl sunday." please welcome the ghost of christmas present, terry bradshaw, ladies and gentlemen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jay: oh, boy. >> thank you. thank you very much. [ cheering ] packed them in tonight jay. >> jay: now, is that a -- >> that is nice. hey, pop, how are you doing? merry christmas. [ laughter ] 85 years old. he can't hear a lick. what you say boy? have a merry christmas. hot dang merry christmas. >> jay: is that, like, a a government safety tie? is that some kind of -- [ laughter ] so you don't get hit crossing the street. >> hey man, you got no taste whatsoever. >> jay: really. >> this is a good-looking tie. it matches my suit. [ cheers and applause ] this is nice. thank you. i bought this tie. you did not. >> jay: which part of that tie

matches your suit? [ laughter ] he said it matches my -- which part matches the suit? >> you've got no style whatsoever. >> jay: you look like -- it's like a grinch tie. [ laughter ] >> that green thing matches my green stripe, and that dark black and this is a dark charcoal suit. this matches. [ cheers and applause ] it matches >> jay: it matches, yeah. >> and then the pocket square. >> jay: your handkerchief -- the handkerchief -- >> i'm looking clean tonight. >> jay: yeah. >> look at you. you stuffed in that suit and -- [ laughter ] >> jay: hey, at least my handkerchief is not trying to escape. [ laughter ] >> you don't even have one on! >> jay: but it's in there where it belongs. >> i thought you were going to be nice to me. >> jay: this is me being nice to you. [ laughter ] >> oh okay. [ laughter ] >> jay: this is the nicest i have ever been to you. >> i love that monologue. [ snoring ] [ laughter ] that was a great monologue. what do you do all day? who writes that stuff? why are you -- >> jay: it is for eighth-graders and above, so i can see why --

[ laughter ] >> oh, that's good. >> jay: now, i want to compliment you. >> why are you touching me? [ laughter ] >> jay: you look great. you look great. >> are you lonely or something? keep your hands off me. >> jay: last time you were here, we talked about losing weight. >> i'm checking chicks out tonight. [ cheers ] i'm cruising. oh, by the way, just one thing. mom, we'll be there at 2:45 tomorrow to pick you up, dad and i. mom gets out for christmas. >> jay: oh, yeah. >> she's down at little prison thing working, but she's doing good. [ laughter ] all of us pitched in mom. we're going to burn all your tattoos off. [ laughter ] oh, she's going to hate that. there's one where it says super stud that really bothers me. >> jay: and it's misspelled. that's the sad part. [ laughter ] you have an announcement to make. tell people. >> well, i'm getting married. no, no, no. just kidding. >> jay: you're a spokesman. >> i have just -- i actually it's been a while

now, coming out, but i'm a a spokesman for -- [ light laughter ] >> jay: nutrisystem? >> well, can i say it? >> jay: yeah. you can say it. >> okay, nutrisystem. i didn't know -- >> jay: let me ask you now -- [ applause ] >> i mean, you were looking at me -- >> jay: now, when do you start this, tomorrow? [ laughter ] >> no. folks, look, check this out. >> jay: no you lost weight. you look good. you look good. [ cheers and applause ] no i do, i applaud you. >> i lost -- i lost 32 pounds, and right at a year. so 32 pounds coming up, it's about two weeks from it being a a year. >> jay: so how did you wind up being the spokesman? [ applause ] >> seriously, i saw dan marino and coach shula on television and how much weight they lost. >> jay: yeah. >> i was looking to lose weight on the program. i was tired of being, you know, i was heavy, and i didn't know what to do. i tried everything else, and i said what the hell, i'll give it a shot. and so i just got on-line and started ordering it and liked it. >> jay: well, how does it work? do they fax you a sandwich is that how it works? [ laughter ]

l pizz >> no, no, no, no, no. no, no, no. no, chubby one. no. that's not how it works. [ laughter ] as a matter of fact, if anybody needs to go on a little bit of nutrisystem, it would be you, my friend. >> jay: you think so? >> you need to start eating right. you drink way too much. >> jay: yeah, i'm a big drinker. >> huge boozer. but anyway, no, i just went on-line and ordered my breakfast, my snacks, and my lunch and dinner. >> jay: what do you mean you order your breakfast? >> i order it! you order it. >> jay: does room service bring it to your house? >> no, no, no. it's shipped in a box, and you take it out -- >> jay: oh, and hot and delicious when you open that box. [ laughter ] mhh. two eggs, sunny side up. >> it is -- it is delicious food. and it works. >> jay: especially when that fedex guy delivers it and -- >> don't touch me anymore! [ laughter ] >> jay: here's your lunch mr. bradshaw. >> hey bradshaw! thank you, bill. [ laughter ] >> jay: here's your pumpkin pie. >> that's not how it works. why are you making f why? why?

[ cheers and applause ] i'll tell you why, because you don't have the desire, the will power, stamina, you certainly are no damn athlete to even know -- [ laughter ] >> jay: so let me ask you something now. well can i ask you something? >> would you want to -- >> jay: i heard it makes your hair fall out. is that true? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> don't do that. don't -- >> jay: i'm just asking. i don't know. i'm asking. i know it's very -- i know its delicious. >> he's not been this funny all week. i watch this show all the time. [ laughter ] >> jay: now, we're going to preview -- >> actually, i'm growing hair. >> jay: you are? >> yes. >> jay: well it ain't on your head buddy. [ laughter ] >> oh. don't do that. i told you don't do that. [ applause ] >> jay: you might need a bikini wax, but that's all i know. let me ask you -- >> anyway folks, nutrisystem, try it. you're going to love it. you're going to lose weight. you're not going to be humpy -- hungry. you're going to be happy about yourself. [ laughter ] >> jay: you're not going to be humpy. >> you're now going to be humpy. >> jay: you're not going to be humpy. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> you know, if i came on here and had one week to live, he

would make fun of me for a a whole week right up to the end. >> jay: i would say i'm sorry -- i would say i'm sorry can you come back next week. he was serious. that's funny. >> jay: well let's see your ad. >> don't run it. i haven't seen it. don't touch me anymore. [ laughter ] >> jay: we're going to preview -- the commercial, we'll preview. this is an exclusive on our show here tonight. >> let's do it. >> jay: here it is. here it is. >> i was so tired of looking old and fat and ugly, that i couldn't take it one more minute. so you know what i did? i ordered me nutrisystem, and here i am, folks. 32 pounds thinner. ain't it pretty? [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: put that -- put the before photo back up. look at that. you know something, that's not even your worst. you remember that picture i took of you at the beach? >> no. show the picture i took of him at the beach. look at that. [ laughter ] [ applause ] that was -- >> there. there. that is -- that is proof of how much weight you can use on nutrisystem. >> jay: you can use? how much weight you can use.

all right. more with terry when we come back right after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i can't figure out what to get for my husband. easy. name some things that aren't on your list. jumper cables, camo anything, a power drill -- ooh! [ male announcer ] the only place to go for every guy on your christmas list with great deals throughout the store. walmart. we're kind of a quiet couple. yes. but lately we've been using k-y® intense™.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: welcome back. talking with the new slimmer terry bradshaw. >> round two. >> jay: yeah, round two. >> now, you know, this is a a nice day. merry christmas, everyone. >> audience: merry christmas. >> happy holidays. >> jay: is it this time of year people look back and reflect. >> yeah. >> jay: you ever look back and reflect? >> absolutely. i do it every day.

>> jay: i found a quiz on the internet. >> oh, lord. >> jay: let's see. >> do i have to answer, is there, like, questions? >> jay: no, these are just, you know -- what's the most fun thing you did this year? >> the most fun thing i did was -- is it called zip line. zip lining. [ cheers and applause ] it was zip lining. >> jay: oh, okay. >> zip lining where you grab a -- >> jay: oh okay. >> and go over valleys and you could die instantly. >> jay: yeah. [ laughter ] >> i did that with my kid. you do all the things. crazy things. >> jay: okay, that was the most fun? okay. >> yeah. dangerous fun. >> jay: name one thing you procrastinated on doing all year long? >> getting out of the horse business. haven't done it yet. >> jay: oh you're still in it? >> still in it. >> jay: okay. >> soon to be out of it, probably. >> jay: yeah, yeah. >> i'm not making any money. probably get out.

get out a couple of years left at fox. i'm not going have any money anyway. >> jay: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> plus, you know, divorce -- >> jay: any purchase you regret? >> i love my trailer house. [ laughter ] >> jay: any purchase you regret from this past year? >> purchase? >> jay: yeah. anything you bought that you regretted? >> no. everything i buy i like. [ laughter ] >> jay: really. >> yeah. yeah. i like -- n >> jay: no regr >> absolu i give to folks. and that makes me feel good. >> jay: ye did you cross anything >> no. no. i > list. >> no i really don't. >> jay: i don't have one either i don't even have a bucket. >> ho you're -- what are you, >> jay: 61. >> i'm, yeah -- >> jay: an >> 54. yeah. [ laughter ] that is the hardest 54 i have ever seen in my life. >> oh >> jay: what would b the greatest happiness -- go ahead. [ laughter ] >> jay: what would bring the grea >> the greatest happiness in 2012 i'd love to get marr i'd love to get married. that would be the >> jay: i'm sorry you want >> no, i'm serious, i've by myself 14 years. you know, i would lik married. >> jay

income in half again? >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jay: very g cut my income in half -- wha i don't have much anyway. i have nothing is nothing. >> jay: n new slimmer -- >> i don't know. we'll find out in 2012. [ cheers ] your wife obviously doesn't mind a little chunk and pork, does she? huh? >> jay: apparently not. apparently not. >> you been married how long? 30? >> jay: almost 32 years. >> wow. congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: now i want to ask you something. i want to ask you about -- i want to get your opinion on this whole tim tebow thing? >> love tim tebow. >> jay: yeah, okay. >> i liked him from the beginning. his style is unorthodox. the offense they run, we've had to adjust to. he is a man of faith, which i also am. >> jay: and why does he get such grief for that? 'cause i see so many sort of bad role model guys. here's a guy who's a good role model -- >> great. yeah, exactly. people are -- we have a -- we live in a strange society where we love to build them up and we love to tear them down. >> jay: yeah. >> this is a great guy. just does things differently, and there's nothing wrong with that, and i applaud him as a a human being, and i love the

fact th his style no problems with it whatsoever. >> jay: yeah, that's great. okay. [ cheers and applause ] now, on your show -- on your fox show. who has the best record this season for predictions? >> me. >> jay: now, 'cause you usually were not the best? >> i'm normally next to last. >> jay: yeah, okay. >> so i'm pretty much at the bottom. >> jay: what happened? >> nothing. you know, just got lucky. teams i pick last year i picked and they'd lost in the last 20 seconds. this year -- >> jay: okay. >> you know, it's one of those things. you watch our show all the time. >> jay: you know, i'm busy sunday. yeah. [ laughter ] >> you don't even watch football games >> jay: i'm handing out packages to the needy. i didn't get a chance. [ laughter ] but nfc. >> you don't even know how many nfl teams there are >> jay there are, no. >> that's what i thought. how about nba teams? >> jay: you know, next time your car breaks call why don't you call [ laughter ] have tim come take your carburetor -- >> okay, i'll stop. i'll stop. >> jay: who do you like in the nfc? who do you like there? >> i'm crazy about the saints and the green bay packers. [ cheers ] love what the 49ers are d those are my three teams right there.

afc, i'm a steeler guy. you all know that. [ cheers ] >> jay: how are the patriots doing? >> i wa teams that what ever we get, we get green bay, new orleans, either one, pittsburgh or new england, got an awesome super bowl. i think it'll be a repeat. >> jay: who do you think is going to be in the super bowl? who was it? >> i think it's going to be green bay and i think it's going to be the steelers. if roethlisberger is okay. >> jay: okay. >> if he is okay, i think the steelers are by far the best team. >> jay: okay, now you always have a joke. do you have another joke for me? >> what do you get when you cross >> jay: ter an ass that smells bad. i don't know. what? [ laughter ] a piece of ass that makes you cry. >> ohh that's that's it. got it. >> jay: is that it? >> that's it. >> jay: wow. >> i'm glad. i was really stretching. i'm glad you said that. >> jay: we should make this a a game show. >> we just did. >> jay: all right. there you go. >> we'll be right back with -- >> jay: no wait i got -- i always tease terry. i'm very proud of the >> thank you.

>> jay: i want to wish you and your folks a very merry >> say merry christmas to my dad. >> jay: merry christmas! if you're intrigued by the hand-selected wood trim... i met your dad. mom, dad, merry christmas. be right back with bailee madison. and the reclinable, heated napa leather seats right after this. terry bradshaw. [ cheers and applause ]ro just wait until we tell you about the heated and ventilated front seats. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

ok trevor where's the big dipper? over there! trevor is a space wiz and he's battling a brain tumor. he came to st. jude children's research hospital where our pioneering research helps save kids, with brain tumors across america. how many stars are there? oh that's easy... one... two... three... get outta here. give thanks for the healthy kids in your life and give to those who are not. go to st. jude.org or shop wherever you see our magnifying glass. 5,000,001... 5,000,002... [ male announcer ] since julia discovered the mccafé caramel mocha from mcdonald's, she's been expecting a little bit more out of...everything. with sweet caramel, rich chocolate, and smooth espresso the simple joy of big expectations. ♪ ♪ vo: look! the old navy funnovations inc. tree is exploding with $5 gifts. thermals and performance fleece are just $5. graphic tees too! how do you like that? our big $5 finale ends saturday. at

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: you made it back. >> yeah. >> jay: terry just ran out to burger king to get a whopper and came back. [ light laughter ] all right. my next guest has been coming here since she was just 7 years old. now, at the ripe old age of 12, she's starred in over ten films and guest starred in over 11 hit tv shows. her new telepic is called "a taste of romance," and it premieres on january 14th on the hallmark channel. please welcome our good friend

bailee madison. bailee! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jay: do you know grandpa bradshaw? [ laughter ] >> nice to meet you. >> terry: nice to meet you. >> i do know him. cathy pippy, mrs. pippy loves you. they're from pittsburgh, and they absolutely love you. >> aw, thank you. >> so, hello, mrs. pippy. so, i'm very happy. they are -- they're so excited. i told them. they were, like, "oh, my gosh, i love his steelers! go steelers!" so, hey, go steelers. >> and she came out and said, "i'm not a shaker hander, i'm a a hugger. >> i'm a hugger. >> jay: oh, okay. well, there you go. >> terry: very sweet. >> jay: very good. >> terry: thank you. you're welcome. >> thank you. >> jay: now, let me ask you --

now, christmas is on sunday. >> yes. >> jay: what's on your christmas list? >> what's on my christmas list? okay, so i have a goldendoodle named maddy -- >> jay: mm-hmm. >> and i love her with all my heart, and i leave tonight to go to my hometown, fort lauderdale. but i don't want to put her underneath the plane. you know, it's dark and it's scary and i didn't want to do that to my daughter. so, i figured, you know, hopefully i could do something for her. >> jay: yeah. >> but -- so, my christmas list is that someone will maybe take her on the plane. there's pet airlines that i tried. it's specifically for pets. >> jay: right. >> but they're -- they're totally booked until next christmas. >> jay: they were booked up? really? >> so -- i know. i know. >> jay: a lot of animals go on vacation? i mean -- [ light laughter ] >> oh, they do. it's very -- it's very big. i know. so, i really -- that's my christmas list, is for her to be there with me. >> jay: oh, okay. >> but you never know. i'll hug her a lot tonight before i leave and love her. >> jay: all right. well, that's really good. >> thank you. >> jay: now, you were

>> yes. >> jay: -- your teeth. they' they're the >> jay: show -- a years ago when she was on -- [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] now, look. what happened? i remember fight. what happened? [ laughter ] >> yeah, it was -- it was a a long story, out okay. they turned out okay. >> jay: now, do you still leave your teeth under the pillow? >> put glitter on it to hopefully, like, track picks up the you know what i mean? to see, like, a track where she left. but i always put them underneath there. and this christmas, i have these two teeth right here, and they're, like, hanging -- you see them? >> terry: oh, my gosh. >> jay: yeah. >> they're, liek -- they are, like, super wiggly, and they're two -- they're right there. but i've been trying to keep them in for this show. so, i, like, cut my apples into little pieces, and been very careful with what i ate. so, the moment tha show, i'm going to pull them out -- >> jay: really? [ laughter ] >> put them >> jay: you know -- >> you won't have to see, i promise. but i'm going to put them underneath my pillow on christmas e when santa comes and the toot fairy, they'll bump into each other. 'cause my brother connor and i always try and >> jay: d >> jay: double whammy.

[ light la >> we alwa so, this try and catch him. >> terry: how much will y get >> jay: yeah, what -- >> i don't know. what do you have to do? i hope they're friends, santa and the tooth fairy -- >> terry: good, because i'm in debt right now. >> because if they're not -- [ light laughter ] are you? >> terry: yea >> pull them out. >> i letter and get the glitter. >> jay: you know, after the show, if you go to terry's dressing room, you can see his teeth in a glass. [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] >> terry -- >> oh, you're --fun -- >> jay: so, do you track santa? >> i do, with norad tracks santa. >> jay: oh, that's right. that's can track him -- >> they can track him. >> jay: there you go. >> so, i go every christmas, and i look, and i try and find him. whenever he gets close to my home, i make sure that i'm in bed. my brother always tries to find him, so he -- like last year he slept underneath the chri tree, and his back - woke up, and his back was all sore. but he does it for me, and we're going to catch him this i feel it. >> jay: very good. how is your dog maddy? you were talking -- you mentioned before. >> she's good. >> jay: she feeling good? >> she's -- you know what? feeling good.

okay, i'm trying to be the best mother that i can, so i have to tell okay. so, basically, the other day, errands. and she goes, "maddy -- bailee feed maddy some so, i look, and i go into the corner. we always have this big gallon of water there. and it was empty. and i looked, and there was there was a glass. i gave it to the home and, you know, got the errands done. we came back, and we're in the kitchen m and mom goes, "bailee, where's the glass?" and i go, "oh, i put it in the sink." and i was thinking, you know, mother of the y i did good. and mom's like, "oh, my gosh." and she runs to the dog bowl. she sticks her finger in there and puts it in her mouth. and i'm, like, "mom, what are you doing?" and she goes, "oh, my gosh, you g [ laughter ] i'm like, "what?" and she goes, "the liquid, it was clear." i'm like, "yeah, it's clear liquid. it's and she's running around the r and she's like, "do i pump her stomach? oh, my gosh, do i need to pump her stomac [ light laughter ] and i'm on google, and i'm like "what to do if your dog has alcohol." and mom says, "it'll d it'll die. it'll die." i'm like, "ple maddy. i love you." [ laughter ] so, then, i call my brother, and my brother is racing down the highway. hopes there's no cops watching.

and he finally gets there, and mom's still freaking out, and maddy is laying on the floor like, "what are you guys doing?" [ light laughter ] "why are you look at me like that? i'm fine." >> terry: was maddy a l tipsy? >> i think i ac a guys. but, basically, my brother came home and he goes, "sit, maddy." and he goes, "maddy, follow." [ laughter ] >> jay: wow. >> she followed, and then he goes, "now, say your abcs." and she goes -- and he goes, "z, y, x? yeah, she's fine. she's fine. she's fine." so, that's my story of trying to be a good mother. >> jay: wow, now let me ask you something -- [ scattered applause ] >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: well, yeah, that's -- >> yeah. i know. i'm trying. i'm only 12. >> jay: i'm more concerned why mommy has big glass alcohol all around the -- [ laughter ] >> she was afraid you might say that. how are you? >> jay: no, show maddy. show maddy. maddy's a cute dog. show maddy. aw. [ audience aws ] >> aw. she -- yeah, she thinks she's a a human, and that was her trying to tell us that she was okay, so -- >> terry: what kind of dog is that? >> a goldendoodle pumpkin

toodle. [ light laughter ] >> terry: goldendoodle pumpkin -- >> that's what i call her. >> jay: yeah. >> terry: that's just -- sweet. >> jay: i'm not familiar with that breed. yeah. >> you're not? my sister and i will tell you. >> j since the >> i'm 12 now. >> jay: 12 now. wow, that's p t >> jay: big celebration big party? >> it was -- [ appl thank you. i was in atlanta -- >> and -- i i went for my 12th birthday. and i was staying in the hotel. everyone looked at me like, "you're 12 you're finally you're going apple pic and i was, like, "yeah, it's so much fun." and i went apple picking in atlanta, and g pink ladies and, you know, they seed the apples. and i went in my little cowboy boots and, you know, my little hat and e >> jay: oh, very cool. it was cool. >> jay: well, we had apple orchards when i kid. we used to do that all the time. >> did you? i li have you done that? >> no, i i'm trying to keep the teet in. >> jay: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> got to be sm >> jay: now, tell us about "taste o so, what is this about? >> "taste of romance" basically about my character, hannah, and her dad, they just lost their mom to cancer -- my mom to cancer. >> jay: mm-hmm. >> and they go and they open up this restaurant 'cause her dad used to be a firefigh so, it's made really

firefighters called the five alarm grill. and it's right next door to sarah's restaurant, which is a a very fancy, you know, french restaurant, and i try and play matchmaker for them. >> jay: oh, okay. >> so, yeah. i know. i got to learn that. but it' i screened it, a family film. it's really fun >> jay: c >> and i >> jay: well, it airs january 14th on the channel. "a taste of romance." >> yes. >> jay: ba to you -- >> thank you. >> jay: and a merry, merry christmas. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. merry christmas, everyone! >> jay: right back with chris isaak right after this! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i was walking down the street last night a pretty little girl came into sight ♪

[marching band playing]

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: my next guest is a a fantastic singer-songwriter. he's a good friend of ours. his latest album is called "beyond the sun." terrific album. and tonight he'll perform a special holiday song for us called "blue christmas." please welcome chris isaak! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i'll have a blue christmas without you i'll be so blue just thinking about you ♪

♪ decorations of red on a green christmas tree won't mean a thing if if you're not here with me ♪ ♪ and the wind knows blue snow flakes start falling when those blue blue memories start calling ♪ ♪ you'll be doing all right with your christmas of white oh, but i'll have a blue blue christmas ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ you'll be doing all right with your christmas of white oh, but i'll have a blue blue christmas ♪

♪ and when you needn't pray on this christmas day remember i have a blue blue christmas ♪ ♪ remember i have a blue blue christmas ♪ ♪ remember i have a blue blue christmas remember i have a blue blue christmas ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: chris isaak! good job, buddy. >> thanks man. >> jay: merry christmas.

i want to thank our guests, terry bradshaw, bailee madison, and of course chris isaak. folks, have a merry, merry christmas. jimmy fallon is happening right now. jimmy, merry christmas to you. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

jimmy: fantastic. hey, i feel the love. thank you so much. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. i can't believe this is our final show of 2011. and on a serious note, i don't write these jokes by myself, so i want to thank the people who make them possible. charlie sheen, the kardashians -- [ laughter ] herman cain, and anthony weiner. wow, anthony weiner. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. that's right. new year's is right around the corner. i can't wait 'til the clock strikes 12:00 and everyone's, like, -- ♪ should all acquaintance be forgot duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ should auld acquaintance nuh nuh nuh keep your eye on the grand old flag ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] great song. hey, here's an election update. yesterday, in new hampshire, mitt romney spent an hour

knocking on doors, trying to meet with voters, while rick perry spent an hour knocking on doors, trying to remember which house was his. [ laughter ] oops, sorry. wrong house. oops. [ light laughter ] happy birthday to ryan seacrest, who turns 37 years old this weekend. his party was kind of annoying. he was like "we'll find out what people gave me -- right after the cake." [ laughter ] you didn't send me any condolences or anything. >> steve: oh my gosh, what happened? >> jimmy: i didn't tell you about this? >> steve: no, you didn't tell me about this. what? >> jimmy: my grandmother. >> steve: well, last time i saw her was the night before christmas eve. >> jimmy: you know, she was stumbling out of her house, 'cause she got run over by a reindeer. [ laughter ] >> steve: oh. oh, my god. >> jimmy: yeah. awful, awful. >> steve: how is she? her was the night before christmas eve. >> jimmy: you know, she was stumbling out of her house, 'cause she got run over by a reindeer. [ laughter ] >> steve: oh. oh, my god. >> jimmy: yeah. awful, awful. >> steve: how is she? >> jimmy: dead. [ laughter ] >> steve: that's horrible. [ laughter ] i hope this doesn't shake your faith in anything.

>> jimmy: as for me and grandpa, we still believe. >> steve: okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: santa's real, you guys. >> steve: are you going to take those presents? >> jimmy: we don't know what to do with the presents. >> steve: what do you think? >> jimmy: either open them up or send them back. >> steve: oh, poor grandma. >> jimmy: you call her grandma, too? [ laughter ] >> steve: well, you know, grammy. i call her grammy fallon. >> jimmy: true. you did. >> steve: i used to. now, she's dead. >> jimmy: now, she's dead, yeah. [ laughter ] hey, check this out. it's a fun song. >> steve: yeah, it's a great song. >> jimmy: people love it. >> steve: people love that song. it's more popular than any other holiday song. my grandmother-- >> jimmy: grandma getting killed. >> steve: -- got run over by reindeer. killed. >> jimmy: killed. yes. >> steve: also, it implies, maybe grandpa did it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: does it really? >> steve: there's a little bit of that in there. >> jimmy: check this out. this week, a man in indiana was arrested for robbing a bank with a hot glue gun. [ laughter ] it wasn't that scary.

he was like, "nobody move, or i'll plug in this glue gun and wait for it to heat up and -- just arrest me. [ laughter ] what am i doing? this is just silly." this is interesting. it turns out that 80% of all fake christmas trees are made in china. yeah, it's a little weird when kids in china all gather around the tree to finish making the tree. [ laughter ] [ audience groans ] it's interesting. >> steve: it's beautiful. >> jimmy: and finally, did you hear this? kobe bryant's wife says he cheated on her with 105 women during their marriage, which means after 104 women, she was like, "okay, now this is getting inappropriate." [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah! my man! that is legendary booker t. and the mg's guitarist, steve cropper sitting in with the roots tonight. [ cheers and applause ] this is his new album right here. it's called "dedicated." it features guest appearances by b.b. king, steve winwood, and queen's brian may. steve cropper, we're honored to have you here, my friend. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: the blues brothers. you were the steve from "soul man," where he goes, "play it, steve!" >> that's right. then, i had to play it. right. >> jimmy: yeah, and then you had to play it. exactly, yeah. >> i had to play it. >> jimmy: i used to listen to that all the time just to hear belushi like, "steve cropper, duck dunn." i always liked -- i love when he said that. but we're honored to have you here, buddy. you're awesome. a legend. steve cropper. [ cheers and applause ] we've got a great show tonight. super fun. "saturday night live" head writer and "weekend update" anchor, seth meyers is here. [ cheers and applause ]

he's great guy, super funny. speaking of funny, you know her from "in living color" and a ton of movies and tv shows. kim wayans is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] and i'm so excited to have them back here spreading some holiday cheer. the muppets are performing for us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] that's a show right there. speaking of the muppets, this is the last night of the great week of music we've had here at the show. it's all thanks to the good people over at old navy. we had carole king, rufus wainwright, aretha franklin. last night, we had the rockettes. there's no way we could afford all that. so thank you to old navy for making it all possible. [ cheers and applause ] appreciate that, guys. today is friday, and that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. i check my inbox, return some e-mails and, of course, i send out some thank-you notes. i was running a bit behind today. so i thought, if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my weekly thank-you notes right now. is that cool? do you mind? [ cheers and applause ]

i'll be quick about it. james, can i get some thank-you note writing music, please? ♪ [ laughter ] >> steve: you got him. you know what? you disarmed him. >> jimmy: i don't know. >> steve: he was in a bad mood. >> jimmy: yeah, he was in a bad mood and then, he just charms his way into everyone's hearts. [ laughter ] >> steve: now he's mad again. he's mad again. [ laughter ] he's a charming son of a gun. >> jimmy: he really is. ♪ thank you, ugly sweater parties, or, as bill cosby calls them, parties. [ laughter ] [ as bill cosby ] with the thing and you put the lip -- [ laughter ] -- the lip was on the ground. [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, google searches, for instantly making all of us sound like cavemen.

how tall washington monument? [ laughter ] good food places new york city. [ laughter ] ♪ >> thank you, christmas trees for being like my aunt marcy. on christmas eve, you're all decked out for the party and wearing a fancy skirt. but, the next morning, you're nude and laying at the end of the driveway. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: your aunt marcy? >> jimmy: she's really fun, my aunt marcy. >> steve: you don't think she had anything to do with grandma's disappearance, do you? >> jimmy: did i tell you what happened to grandma? >> steve: no, what happened? >> jimmy: it was a nightmare. she had too much eggnog. >> steve: right. >> jimmy: she loves eggnog. >> steve: she loves -- i know that. >> jimmy: yeah, and she leaves and then, so, she's leaving -- and then she got run over by a reindeer. >> steve: oh, my god. i mean, is she all right? >> jimmy: no, she's dead. [ laughter ]

she's disfigured, too. >> steve: by the reindeer hooves and antlers. >> jimmy: there's a hoof print on her forehead. >> steve: oh, my god. >> jimmy: so it was closed casket. [ laughter ] >> steve: oh, awful, awful, awful. >> jimmy: great song, by the way. [ laughter ] >> steve: what could we write about? ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, every reindeer besides rudolph, or as i refer to you, brown-nosers. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: i can't even believe you can make a joke about reindeers. that's brave of you. after what they did to your -- >> jimmy: yeah, after what happened to my grandmother. here i am -- >> steve: exactly. just shows what kind of man you are. you're a better man than that. >> jimmy: thank you so much. ♪ thank you, neti pot, for being a great way to clear up sinus congestion and a terrible way to make tea. [ laughter ] gross. >> steve: green tea.

[ audience groans ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: very good. very good. >> steve: yeah, put a little boogie in it. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, winter hats that look like cute animals, for allowing the guys who wear you to stay warm and single at the same time. [ laughter and applause ] my voice went over there to the panda. [ applause ] panda bear head. ♪ thank you, christmas balls, for not being called treesticles. [ laughter ] there you go, guys. those are my thank-you notes. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i appreciate it. thank you. [ applause ] thank you for letting me do that. you guys, this is the last show before we go on christmas break, so it's time for our final edition of that beloved "late night" tradition, "twelve days of christmas sweaters." ♪ ♪ twelve days of christmas sweaters one day left ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: every night, for the past 11 shows, we've been singling out one lucky audience member to take home a dynamite

christmas sweater from the "countdown to christmas" cabinet. before we give the last sweater away, let's take a look at the christmas sweaters that have gone before. there are exactly 12 shows before we go on christmas break. it's time for the beloved "late night" tradition, "twelve days of christmas sweaters." ♪ there are times you feel stuck on that same old ride ♪ ♪ like a boat without a captain a sweater without a tie ♪ ♪ when you're knocked down something -- ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: who wants me to pick their number? it's a good sweater. you know you want it. 313. 231. 376. ♪ christmas came early. there's bonus shoulder pads there. ♪ because as long as were together you gonna make it now ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: those were some great sweaters. since this is the last day, let's open the last door. door number one. [ drum roll ] >> jimmy: whoops. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] that's pretty good. that's a good sweater. yeah, usable stockings. [ laughter ] could we just dim the lights a little bit, too? yeah. [ cheers and applause ] that's good. fantastic. now, let's see who is going home with tonight's sweater. everyone, look at your seat number. if i call your number, i need you to jump up and let me know

where you are. quest, can i get a drum roll please? >> sure thing. [ drum roll ] >> jimmy: who wants me to pick their number? this is a good sweater. who wants it? it's a good one. [ cheers ] 312! ♪ [ applause ] you did it. you did it, man. congratulations. >> i just bought the same one last week. >> jimmy: well, you could always use two of these. what's your name? where are you from? >> i'm corey. i'm from long island, new york. >> jimmy: very good, corey. welcome. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for coming to the show. >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's a pretty fantastic sweater. do you mind trying it on? >> oh, sure, i'd love to. >> jimmy: go for it, buddy. this is gonna be good. ♪ wear this out. you go clubbing with your friends. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, that's good. [ light laughter ] wow. [ cheers and applause ]

that looks good. you look fantastic, buddy. that looks great on you, buddy. congratulations. thanks so much for coming. appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ guys, i'm in the spirit of giving right now. we're about to give away some awesome stuff. it's time for "late night" stocking stuffers. ♪ it's a bash late night stocking oh, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: that's right. this week, we've been giving away awesome gifts to our studio audience. so far, we've given away godiva chocolates, north face hats and gloves, two years of netflix streaming, some nike shoes that were awesome. it's been an amazing week, but this is our last gift tonight. it's for you guys here. everyone in the audience will be going home with this. [ drum roll ] a limited edition ps3! [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: jimmy, this limited edition bundle includes a

320 gig ps3 and a copy of the blockbuster, "uncharted 3: drake's deception." not only is the ps3 a blu-ray player, but it plays games in high definition and 3d. plus, it has a 320 gigabyte hard drive to store plenty of games, movies, tv shows, music, photos, and more. the ps3 is the complete game system, jimmy! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: a ps3 with "uncharted 3." can't beat that for the holidays. everyone enjoy that, everybody. stick around. we'll be right back with seth meyers! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

i can't figure out what to get for my husband. easy. name some things that aren't on your list. jumper cables, camo anything, a power drill -- ooh! [ male announcer ] the only place to go for every guy on your christmas list with great deals throughout the store. walmart.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody.

what happened -- i forgot to even tell higgins this, but grandma forgot her medication. [ laughter ] -- is what happened. but we're proud of grandpa, 'cause he's been taking this pretty well. he's watching football and drinking beer with cousin mel. he's, like -- he's, like, drinking beer and watching football. grandpa is, yeah. interesting. well, she forgot her medication. that's all. >> steve: then she -- >> jimmy: were you there? >> steve: walked into a snow bank. well, you told me about it. [ laughter ] i mean, grandpa told me. >> jimmy: no, it's all right, buddy. it's no buddy. >> steve: i mean, she was just there. >> jimmy: i know, i know, i know. i didn't mean to bring it up. sorry. >> steve: you know what i mean? >> jimmy: we didn't even know until christmas morning. >> steve: because you found her frozen corpse. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. a great song, by the way. it's a great song. >> steve: oh, my god. it's a great holiday song. >> jimmy: it's a great holiday song. >> steve: people love it. you know what they love about it? >> jimmy: we found her frozen corpse in the front yard. >> steve: with the hoof prints. >> jimmy: with the hoof prints.

and claws marks on her back. >> steve: oh! >> jimmy: i don't even know what that means. >> steve: i think it means santa -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? >> steve: what else could -- >> jimmy: that's my grandmother! that's my grandmother you're talking about. >> steve: i don't think it was really santa nor reindeer. >> jimmy: what happened? >> steve: i think there's been foul play. >> jimmy: foul play? >> steve: i think it was foul play involved. >> jimmy: all right, you guys. let's get our first guest out here. he is the head writer of "saturday night live" and the anchor of "weekend update." we love him. on new year's eve he'll be performing standup at the borgata in atlantic city. please welcome seth meyers! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> how are you, buddy? >> jimmy: i love you, man. how you doing? nice to see you again. >> it's great to be with you. we've been seeing so much of each other. >> jimmy: i mean, i just hung out with you for a whole week. it was great. it was super fun. thank you for having me at

"saturday night live" and taking care of me over there. >> it was so good to have you back. you were such a good host because you know how the show works. and you did the smartest thing. which most hosts don't know -- which is sometimes we have a host for a whole week, and then the next monday, they'll, like, send, like, cupcakes with, like, a thank-you card. but as of that monday, it's too late to help them. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so, like, if they're, like -- if they send you cupcakes, and then you're, like, "oh, they're really nice, but it's too late." you bought us dinner the monday you were there. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so you were, like, "i'm nice, and now, be nice to me all week." >> jimmy: yeah, that's the way to do it. >> you knew to do it before it was too late. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> it makes my job easier because it was, like, thursday night, and the writers want to go home. and i can be like, he bought you pizza. [ laughter ] you're going to go home? this man bought you pizza. >> jimmy: treated for a pizza pie, and split it amongst all of you. >> jimmy: dude, what's going on new year's eve? >> i'm doing a show -- two shows at the borgata in atlantic city. >> jimmy: what do you mean, two shows? >> i'm doing, like, a 7:30 and a 10:00, i think. which should be fascinating. i think it's gonna be, like, a fascinating sociological experiment just to see the difference in the audiences.

>> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> yeah, 7:30 to 10:00 on new year's is a lifetime. [ laughter ] yeah. that's, like, a whole, like, generation of evolution. >> jimmy: yeah, really. that's going to be a -- that's a rough gig. but it's fun. i'd play the borgata. >> yeah, it's a good time. >> jimmy: can you explain this? >> i can explain this. [ laughter ] i can. i can. >> jimmy: please explain this. >> i did a charity event once. you know, sometimes you do charity events and you get, like, a gift bag. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and one of the things in the gift bag from the charity event was a sitting at a portrait gallery. and no one at the charity event did it. but i was, like, "oh, i'm definitely doing that." so i went to -- >> jimmy: so you can say you've done this. >> so i went to this portrait gallery, and basically it's just for, like, bank ceos and, like, families. you, like, pose for a picture. then, they make it into an oil painting. so you got a free sitting, and i went in and i told the guy -- i'm, like, "hey, i'm only doing this as a joke. i want to get an oil painting for my brother." and he was like, "okay." so i did that really alluring pose.

and then the sitting was free, but to buy the oil painting was, like, $5,000. [ light laughter ] i couldn't do that. >> jimmy: i mean, now it's not a funny joke anymore. >> no, now it's like, just, like every time i see it, i'd feel mad. [ laughter ] because i spent $5,000. but the worst thing was -- that was, like, six years ago. last year, i got an email from a friend of mine in chicago. hey, this is hanging in a store. [ laughter ] >> so that's in a store right now, and they're trying to sell it for $5,000. [ laughter ] and it's, like, the guy writes to me, and goes, "just so you know, it hasn't moved." [ laughter ] like, the worst is one day it's going to be, like, now $299. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> they're going to buy it for the frame. >> jimmy: i might buy it. it's in chicago? that's where it was? it's in chicago somewhere. it's in a macy's somewhere, yeah. >> it's a terrible painting >> jimmy: it's fantastic. i love it. hey, speaking of your brother, every time we have you on, we play this fun game where we bring out your brother, josh, and we compare stories to see if you guys remember some stories. >> yes. >> jimmy: would you like to play? >> let's do it. >> jimmy: all right, you guys.

when we come back, we're gonna play the sibling-wed game with seth and josh meyers. josh is hanging out in the bud light lime green room right now. josh, what's up buddy? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and now it's time to play "guess the gift." is it "a" a chocolate fondue fountain -- "b" an antique globe -- or "c" an eddie bauer ford bronco ii? we'll give you the answer right after this commercial break. vo: look! the old navy funnovations inc. tree is exploding with $5 gifts.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: and now, the answer to tonight's "guess the gift." if you guessed "c" and eddie bower ford bronco 2, you were wrong. it's "a" a chocolate fondue fountain. thanks for playing "guess the gift." ♪ >> jimmy: thanks, steve! ah, beautiful. welcome back, everybody. i'm here with seth meyers and josh meyers.