tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC January 3, 2012 12:00am-1:05am EST
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tomorrow. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live," jane fonda. >> can i fix you here. don't mind if i plug. i put my phone number down your pants. >> dicky: russell brand. >> jane fonda -- >> jimmy: is everyone ready for yelling. >> you can't smile and talk at the same time, you moron. >> jimmy: now the future will
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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- jane fonda. russell brand. and music from lukas nelson and promise of the real. with cleto and the cletones. and now, great news! here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ jimmy kimmel live [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for coming. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you, thank you for watching at home. i appreciate that. keep -- keep clapping because it
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blows the smell of donkey that way. i had a donkey in the studio. hey, it's been really cold here in southern california. we've had near record-setting low temperatures over the last few days and wind too. there was a windstorm last wednesday night. those of you who are here know it was pretty intense. some people still don't have power back. more than 2,000 homes had electricity last week -- for a whole week, they haven't had electricity, which means they are unable to watch this show, which means once again i am the victim of this. [ laughter ] i try to make everything about myself. [ applause ] that's who i feel worse for, me. besides me, the hardest hit by the power outages are homeowners in pasadena. and altadena which are very close to here. the residents there are fed up with the power company because many of them feel like their concerns aren't even being heard. >> we were looking forward to coming home tonight and having a nice home-cooked italian meal. we had a ragoo prepared.
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>> reporter: for john and his partner, it's been seven nights without power. >> the last, what, three days or so i've been really frustrated because edison hasn't given us any information -- . >> jimmy: if that isn't a christmas miracle, i don't know what is. meanwhile, in other parts of the country, they are flat out flaunting their power with holiday light displays like -- this is from texas. a lunatic there put 25,000 lights on his house to create an enormous holiday tribute to the game angry birds. look at what this guy did. ♪
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>> jimmy: and -- he didn't get -- the surviving pigs are living in an embassy suites. that would be a fun neighbor to have, wouldn't it? there's some unusual news from the library of congress today or maybe -- i don't know, maybe this happened a while ago. but i read about this today. the library of congress has partnered with twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. so this is what congress is doing? [ laughter ] the dewey decimal system just shot itself. the library of congress in case you don't know is home to some of the most important documents in history including the declaration of independence, the constitution and now it will also include tweets from gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad. now the future is going to know we were dumb because of this. thanks, library of congress. now our great-grandchildren will be able to relive that moment when ashton kutcher got excited about the can of whoop-ass iowa
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opened on michigan. i feel like twitter and the library of congress should have given us a heads-up before i did this. i for one have tweeted some very stupid things, and i do not want to be remembered for those. but the library of congress is excited. they called twitter a unique record of our time and they are promoting this partnership online. >> come and explore the library of congress where you can read original letters from george washington. >> i can clearly foresee that nothing but the rooting out of slavery can perpetuate the existence of our union. >> speeches from teddy roosevelt. >> a man who is good enough to shed his blood for the country is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards. >> and tweets from kim kardashian. >> can't get my boot off and i'm all by myself. don't know what to do. lol. i need someone to pull it off. been trying for 20 minutes. >> the library of congress. what the hell happened to us? [ applause ]
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>> jimmy: she can't get her boot off? i need to know the ending of that story. there you go. kim kardashian is in a library finally. you know -- [ laughter ] we have a big day on january 2nd here at abc with the return of "the bachelor." bachelor ben who was rejected last season by the bachelorette gets to hand the roses out this time around. somehow "entertainment weekly" got hold of an early promo. there's actually nudity in this. i don't know if they stole it or what happened, but while i was not particularly excited about another season of "the bachelor," after seeing this, i am now. >> there's one girl here who is very different around you than she is around the rest of the girls. >> go [ bleep ] yourself. >> she knows the name of the game and she's manipulating everybody. >> where's courtney? >> i don't know. >> a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. i can't believe this is happening. >> i'm about to rock your world. >> no! >> game over, ladies.
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>> i don't know how to handle this right now. i'm unsure of how this is going to end. >> it's really hard to be around some of these girls. >> she makes me sick. >> there's so much [ bleep ] in here. >> it's all coming up. >> who is she? >> we just can't stand being around you. [ laughter ] >> no way. >> it's not over. it's just beginning. >> no way! >> it's just beginning. >> jimmy: wow. they got a little bit of everything this year. [ applause ] meanwhile, mtv is gearing up for the fifth season of "jersey shore" or maybe it's the sixth season of "celebrity rehab." i'm not sure, but i for one am glad the show is coming back. i play a fun drinking game while i watch "jersey shore." every time i'm filled with
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despair for humanity, i drink. and i wind up pretty loaded at the end. they released a trailer today. why? i don't know why they need a trailerment we know what's going to happen. drink, drink, drink, punch, drink, punch, cry, tan, then somebody screams "jersey bitches" and then they dance, right? i would like to see them solve a crime just once. [ applause ] "jersey shore" has been on for five seasons, shows no signs of slowing down. i can't help but wonder what it will look like in the future. we took the audio from it and combined it with video from "the jetsons" and, voila, the future is now. >> you should make out with, like, four boys tonight. >> see ya. see ya. okay, bye. >> i'm actually thinking about not drinking tonight. just kidding! hey! >> yeah. >> look.
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>> that's what you wanted to show me? don't show your ass to everybody. >> would you bang me? >> bent over and sideways. >> i look like a jersey skank, i love it. >> jimmy: get a virus on their hard drive tonight. hey -- [ applause ] there was a scary accident during a taping of the discovery show "mythbusters." if you haven't seen "mythbusters," a couple of guys, adam and jamie, they conduct elaborate science experiments to either debunk or prove commonly held beliefs. now, this week they were measuring for some reason the speed rat which a cannonball comes out of a cannon and turns out they come out very fast. >> the cannonball was shot from a range in california. somehow it misfired. it went off the hill, it went through the house then into although neighborhood, hit one guy's roof and landed on a mini van. after all that, thankfully, nobody was hurt. i've seen that show, it's fascinating, but what was the myth they were trying to bust?
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>> jimmy: it's still going. [ applause ] people in houses -- what would -- people in houses must have thought they were being attacked by pirates, right? in other science-related news, you know, from time to time we are alerted to interesting scientific studies and i like to fill our viewers in on them. this one is definitely worth a mention. it's time now for "this week in science." >> this week in science. >> smoking can make your nipples fall off. >> good work, scientists. now, back to aids. >> jimmy: you think the surgeon general would have warned us about that. i guess it's good news for people with three nipples. is anyone here finished with their holiday shopping already? kill him! [ laughter ] i don't mind the holiday shopping as much as i do the wrapping of the holiday gifts. i'm not good at it, and it doesn't make sense to me. you know, you buy your kid or your wife like eight, ten gift,
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you have to wrap every single one of them. why not just wrap the head of the person you're giving it to? let them unwrap that and then they see what they got. [ laughter ] i'm not a -- [ applause ] oh, thank you for your support. when i'm done wrapping gift, there's always like an open patch and then very to cut a rectangle out and tape the rectangle over it. i'm just not good at it. not many people are. so tonight we asked my aunt chippy for help. my aunt chippy is good at wrapping gifts so i asked her to demonstrate the basics for us. i want to apologize in advance for the behavior of our director brad who was very rude throughout this thing. is everybody ready for some yelling? here's aunt chippy with chip's tips. >> hi, this is aunt chippy and welcome to "chip's tips." we're going to wrap a present today. let's see -- >> cut. one more time.
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>> empty mr. bleep boxes we got. not even something i can, like, steal. >> camera, action. >> hi, this is aunt chippy and "chips tips" -- >> wait, let's do it again. welcome to "chip's tips." energy, energy. and camera. >> hi, this is aunt chippy. >> i didn't say action. let's do it again. i need an action. can you rotate the box please? rotate it again. keep going. keep going. keep going. one more. no, no, no. the other way. >> it's an e. if i [ bleep ] box. all the sides are the same. that's just about good. and now we're going to cut the son of a bitch as soon as we can cut it. i can't believe that i haven't got scissors that -- don't let this happen to you. get scissors that -- >> chippy, no, no, cut -- that's not going to work. cut it so it looks nice. supposed to be a nice-looking package. >> let me tell you something. this couldn't cut anything. >> maybe it's the way you're holding them. i don't know. >> i know how to cut with scissors. you want me to try a circumcision on you? it will hurt like a son of a
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bitch. let me tell you. >> just go to the top. let's go to the top. >> you mean to tell me we haven't got a scissors that can cut something? >> they should be fine. but let's get another pair. here -- >> thank you. and we're going to cut it to size. >> cut! no, that's not going to work. >> that's it. got to be an easier way to make a living. i could mug somebody and do better than this. >> turn the box just a tiny little bit. >> we're going to have tape, we're going to tape it up -- oh, my god. we'll never have christmas at this rate, i swear to god to you. >> chippy, what's up with the tape here? >> i don't know, everything's backwards or ass ways or something. there ain't [ bleep ] in the box except a piece of tissue paper. [ bleep ] scissors that don't work and tape that's double-sided tape. >> well, why don't you just ask for regular tape then? >> i asked for regular scissors
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and couldn't get them. this doesn't even work either. how do i go -- like that? >> they're not working? >> you got to be freaking kidding me. >> okay, so let's rotate the box again. and unrotate it. >> oh, my god! >> okay, ready? smile. lots of energy. that's a fake smile. let's get a real smile. come on. >> i ran out of real smiles about eight minutes ago. >> come on. come on. >> hi. >> energy here. >> hi, hi, shut up. >> i need a smile. you have to show me that you're ready. >> tell me when you want the [ bleep ] action part. >> jump up and down, get the energy going. okay, jump up and down. up and down. up and down. >> how many times have i told you that 72-year-old women don't jump up and down? >> why are you being so difficult about this? >> i am not jumping up and down. my energy level is as high as it's going to get and it's leaving town shortly. >> are you ready? >> i'm exhausted. >> okay. lease do it. are you ready? here we go.
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lots of energy just like that. >> oh, shut up. this is aunt chippy -- >> whoa, wait, wait. i need to know -- >> i don't care. >> i need a smile. >> be ready. we want it to match. we don't want it to look crummy. >> smile. keep smiling. >> you can't smile and talk at the same time, you moron. >> smile! >> you know what? wrap your own [ bleep ] presents. merry [ bleep ] christmas. i'm out of here. good-bye. >> no, no. no. [ applause ] >> jimmy: and a happy hanukkah, too. we have a good show for you tonight. russell brand is here. we have music from lukas nelson and promise of the real. and we'll be right back with jane fonda, so stick around. great guest experience. that makes my day. and during the four course feast, there's so much to choose from. [ male announcer ] the four course seafood feast
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>> jimmy: hi there, welcome back. tonight on the show a very funny gentleman who on sunday headlines a very interesting charity show here in los angeles called "love x-change," russell brand is here. and then with music from this album, it's called "promise of the real," lukas nelson and promise of the real from the bud light stage. lukas nelson is willie nelson's son, which means they're related. and tomorrow night we will be joined by -- who is on the show tomorrow night? jeremy renner will be here, judy greer will be here, and we'll hear music from chevelle, so join us then, too. our first guest tonight is an oscar, emmy and golden globe-winning actress who is
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part of a hollywood dynasty part of a hollywood dynasty that at one time rivaled even that of the kardashians. she has two new fitness dvds -- "jane fonda: prime time trim, tone and flex" and "prime time firm and burn." please say hello to jane fonda. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: look at you. you look unbelievable. you must have a deal with the devil. this can't just be -- >> i do. i have a deal with the devil. >> jimmy: this has to be an arrangement with satan. >> no, i did. i sold my soul. >> jimmy: you have a -- you have a birthday in two weeks and is it rude to bring that up? >> no. >> jimmy: how old you will be in two weeks? >> 74. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: 74. amazing. >> but the really good one is next see, my birthday is winter solstice. my mike just fell off. >> jimmy: oh. you might need that.
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>> december 21st, the shortest day of the year. next year, 2012, on the 21st of december, i turn 75. it happens to be, according to the mayan calendar, the time when all of the global cosmic paradigm is going to shift. i think for the good. i think everything is going to get better. >> jimmy: you think for the good? i can't imagine things will happen for the good. >> i really do. >> jimmy: are you all right? can i fix you there? do you mind if i plug you in? i think -- [ cheers and applause ] i think it's on. there we go. there we go. i think it's working. >> thank you. you know something, it's true. my facebook friends sent me a lot of messages today saying, watch out for him, you, because you're a flirt. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah. well, i put my phone number down your pants. [ laughter ] if you don't mind. now, these videos, how long ago -- you did this, the first video how long ago?
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>> i think we filmed it in '80 or '81. no one had ever done it. i mean you've got to understand there was no video industry because it cost too much to buy the hardware. and so when this guy stewart carl said, you want to turn your workout book into a video? i said no. and he persuaded me to do it. and it started -- it launched the video industry. >> jimmy: do you ever watch these videos and work out along with yourself? >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's got to be a little odd. >> we had no idea what we were doing. we had to do hundreds of takes. it took weeks. we had one camera. i remember writing a script on the floor of a hotel room. and now i mean there's so many. >> jimmy: there are a lot. >> three cameras and the lights are great and you don't have to think, and you have a thing in your ear. and it's easy. >> jimmy: you created an industry of its own. >> i did. >> jimmy: and everybody does it and they should give you a little piece of the money. >> nobody does it for older people.
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that's -- my thing fell out again. and you didn't put your number in there. >> jimmy: it's in there. it's in there. yes. [ laughter ] you have to go a little deeper. now, i want to mention something, i have some lyric pierce. a rapper named mickey avalon -- >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: so you know about him. sean penn brought him to my house. we had a christmas party and he and i did the jane fonda together. >> jimmy: yeah, he wrote a song called "jane fonda." >> yeah. >> jimmy: not only him. it's shake that thing, more junk in the trunk than a honda. i know you want to do the jane fonda. let me see you do the jane fonda, et cetera. >> yeah, don't keep going. >> jimmy: i won't. we looked into it and you are -- you are referenced in songs by mary j. blige, ghost face killah from the wu tang gang and and sir mix a lot, probably most famously, rhyming your name with anaconda, which is a classic. why do you think -- >> one of the most -- the one that really i'm proud of is
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bob seger. i'm a big fan of bob seger and the silver bullet band. and there was a song called "her strut." they like to watch her butt. i mean, it was really cool and i heard him say on an interview it was about me. >> jimmy: wow, that is great. >> i was really happy about that. >> jimmy: and yet a little bit disturbing maybe. bob might be parked outside your house in a minivan or something. >> i wish. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: watching what's going on. i heard you like to go fly-fishing. >> i do. >> jimmy: i love that, too. >> you do? >> jimmy: yes, i do. how often do you go? >> depends on -- well, i haven't done it for awhile. but all the important men in my life were fishermen. my father was a deep sea fisherman. my first husband was a deep sea fisherman. my second husband -- when we got divorced, i learned how 0 fly fish and then along came captain america, ted turner. but he owns all the rivers and he trains the fish. he trains the fish so, you know, you can catch them.
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i got good because, you know, the thing about fly-fishing, it's really hard. you know. you do it. right? you have to do it a lot to get good. i'm good. >> jimmy: you're good. you do it a lot? >> yeah. >> jimmy: fly-fishing, of course. i don't want to get personal. >> should we go -- >> jimmy: when i say do you do it a lot, i mean fly fish something what i'm saying. >> i know. both. >> jimmy: both. okay. is that on the video? [ applause ] >> no, ted came with -- i have a ranch and he came with me and he said, you know, right down -- val kilmer had a ranch. he sold it but ted said, there's not a lot of nutrients in this river. you have to put feeders up. so i have 17 feeders along my river. i'm making them an offer they can't refuse. they stay at my place. they don't go down to val's. and they're big, man. you should come fishing with me. >> jimmy: touch my leg, i'll do anything you want.
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[ laughter ] >> fly fish but it's catch and release. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. that's all i would do. oh, no. [ laughter ] now they're making up their own jokes. >> this is a wild audience. >> jimmy: we're going to take a quick break here? >> why? >> jimmy: we have commercials. but we'll be back shortly with jane fonda. she's here. two new fitness dvds. we'll be right back. [ monica ] i'm away on a movie shoot
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and it hasn't been going exactly as planned. cut. cut! [ monica ] i thought we'd be on location for 3 days -- it's been 3 weeks. so i had to pick up some more things. good thing i've got the citi simplicity card. i don't get hit with a fee if i'm late with a payment... which is good because on this job, no! bigger! [ monica ] i may not be home for a while. [ male announcer ] the new citi simplicity card. no late fees. no penalty rate. no worries. there's an easy way to fix that. lubriderm® men's 3-in-1. the first and only body, face, post shave lotion all in one bottle. it's that easy. ♪ lubriderm® men's 3-in-1. is really my mother. they keep asking me if the dirty guy is really my son. huh -- what do you tell 'um? holy smokes, these viva towels really are tough, even when wet!
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[ mike ] for the record, that's my real father, cleaning up a real mess on a real grill. see? very impressive! you're a natural. oh that's much better... dad's got his tough mess, i've got mine. [ female announcer ] grab a roll and try it on your toughest mess. i think you got it. [ man ] wait. this doesn't look like a new year's resolution. this looks like steak. thick, juicy, satisfying steak. this looks like anything but a resolution. [ male announcer ] applebee's introduces fresh new choices, all great-tasting and under 550 calories. like our sizzling asian shrimp & broccoli, roasted garlic sirloin, and sizzling chili lime chicken. starting at just $9.99 at applebee's. come in and try one today
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step together, now left. step together. step touch. woo. and the arms. and the arms. guess who i'm paying homage to? my friend john travolta, "saturday night fever." "pulp fiction." remember this. do it again. whoo! >> jimmy: now i see why the hip-hop community has embraced you. jane fonda is here. she has two new f >> that's the thing, people who are out of shape, never worked out, 70 years old, can do. >> jimmy: it seems like every person in the video is in good shape. >> well, it's all, you know, it's relative. but they're real people. they're not like buff people. >> jimmy: you rehearse with them
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and get them -- they learn the moves? because i couldn't do any of the moves even if i played it over and over again and i also think with a dvd with seniors, you know, i don't think the problem would be as much getting them to work out as getting them to work the dvd player. [ laughter ] that seems to be the challenge for me with my family. >> i know what you mean. i know what you mean. well, they're already best-sellers. they are. >> jimmy: all right. well, so, people -- well, they don't need to buy them then, right? we dug up your first video. it's on vhs. and you can see -- please rewind. [ applause ] there you are. in am impossible position. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you still have that outfit? >> yeah, i found it in storage the other day, and i worked out with kathie lee gifford and another woman on the "today" show the other day. >> jimmy: and you wore that? >> yeah. >> jimmy: the original one? >> the leg warmers and everything.
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>> jimmy: that's a great commercial for your thing. you can still wear the same thing. >> right. >> jimmy: this is a little bit off topic but i was told that you at one time went skinny-dipping with michael jackson. >> i did, yes. and greta garbo. >> jimmy: together? >> no, no. >> jimmy: what kind of crazy pool was that? how did this happen and when did this happen? >> well, michael was a friend of mine and he done me a bunch of favors and he called in the favor. i was making "on golden pond." he wanted to become a movie actor. he had just done "the wiz." so he came up and lived with me. my family went back to l.a. and he stayed with me and we went skinny-dipping. >> jimmy: whose idea was that? >> i don't remember. [ laughter ] it was -- no moon out. i couldn't really see. he sort of disappeared into the darkness. >> jimmy: he turns into a wolf sometimes in the dark. you have to be careful. so at that time he was, what like -- >> it was before he made the changes. >> jimmy: but he was like 20 years old? >> no, he was older than that. i think he'd done -- i don't
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remember, but he still, you know, that adorable face of his. he hadn't done the "thriller." >> jimmy: but you guy, the two of you are naked in together in -- >> in squalm lake in new hampshire. >> jimmy: in new hampshire. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and -- wow. you're lucky tmz wasn't around back then. [ laughter ] >> it was great. >> jimmy: is it true that kareem abdul-jabbar taught you to do yoga? >> well, he told me that the reason he hardly ever got injured is because he did yoga and he took she po the bikram studio, the hot yoga that was being taught in la brea and, yeah, we went together. >> jimmy: they steam up the room. >> really hot, yeah. >> jimmy: did he wear the goggles because it seems like it would be really hard for him to see. [ laughter ] >> yeah, it was cool. it was good. >> jimmy: i tell you what. it's great to meet you. and -- >> good to meet you. you're very fun. >> jimmy: again, thank you for
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>> jimmy: well, hi, everyone. welcome back. our next guest is a very funny guy whom you know from "forgetting sarah marshall," "get him to the greek" and "arthur." this sunday night, he headlines a charity show called "love x-change" at the wiltern theater here in los angeles. please welcome russell brand. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? you look like you're in good shape. have you done any jane fonda workouts? >> i have worked out to jane fonda. >> jimmy: you have? [ laughter ]
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hence your musculature. >> this one's all withered. but this thing's like popeye. it's disgutapating. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i know you've just been -- you did a big tour of colleges across the united states, doing standup comedy. is that your first experience with american colleges, american college life? >> yes. and i was confused by it. >> jimmy: why were you confused by it? >> well, i thought it would be either like that film "the social network quart or like geniuses dreaming up billionaire ideas or it would be like "animal house" where there's ferocious acts of revelry and putting bras on over their clothes. but it was not that. it was sororities which is a free brothel. >> jimmy: really? [ laughter ] that would be a delightful piece of news. for any parent.
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>> if your daughter is joining a sorority, weep for her. >> jimmy: why do you say that? were you accosted by sorority girls? >> they invite me to come to their homes. but due to my marital status, i was unable to take them up. seen as a very generous offer. >> jimmy: it was bad timing. really is. >> isn't it a shame, jimmy, that we have not mastered time travel just for that reason, just to go back in time to commit atrocity. have sex with caveman women. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: or just cavewomen, i don't know. >> you monster! what are you doing with a cavewoman? you're an animal. no, no, no. >> jimmy: you mentioned your marital status. last time you were here, you were single and now you are married to katy perry. as everybody knows. you guys did an interesting thing, i thought.
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on thanksgiving you got tattoos together. >> yeah. >> jimmy: just as the pilgrims did. at one time. >> i did it to honor the pilgrims. >> jimmy: why did you do this and whose idea was it? >> her idea. >> jimmy: it was her idea. >> it's always her idea. she is always scribbling permanent things on my body for a laugh. and i'm allowing it to happen. look at this bloody thing. >> jimmy: oh, is that the one? >> i at least had the common sense to, like, do the football team. west ham united in england and then in the background, a candy cane swirl that defines her aesthetic ideology. >> jimmy: so it's a combination of katy and your favorite soccer team? >> i thought the only way i can make this thing not like to be act of a sissy to carve a football hooligan thing into my flesh. that's what i've done. >> jimmy: that's what you did. and what did she get? what was her tattoo? >> it's like a peppermint thing.
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>> jimmy: nothing to do with you? >> nothing to do with me. everything to do with her. >> jimmy: hey, i want to ask you about this charity show you're doing because i think it's interesting because people cannot buy tickets to this event. true? >> i've decided, jimmy, at long last to finally subvert capitalism. >> jimmy: you're the one that's doing it? >> at last. yeah, what is it, it's putting on a charity show in l.a. you can't buy a ticket with money. if you want to come, you have to donate two hours of your time to one of six charities and then we send you the ticket. so instead of money, you do kindness. >> jimmy: that's great. [ applause ] >> it really is. >> jimmy: and you take them on their word that they will deliver the two hours? >> what? >> jimmy: you take them at their word that they will deliver the two hours? they promised? >> there was always a flaw in this idea, kimmel. yeah, we cannot prove it because we can't go around their houses with weapons, go, did you help the animal alliance? >> jimmy: uh-huh.>> the animal f the charities.
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but even the animal alliance as a charity, is that a good thing? do we want all the animals getting together? >> jimmy: no. >> like in "planet of the anticipateapes". >> jimmy: no. "jumanji." don't pick that one. >> don't help them. >> jimmy: are you doing this to maybe give back for -- i know you went through rough times in your life, is it something, or are you are making amends? >> i like to see this as a journey of atonement. i do these kind things because of all the time i spent being divisive to the animal kingdom, lying to -- saying to a bear, a lion, said it looks fat. let's get the animals back together. no, yeah, it is in a way of an act of atonement. this is a list of charities you can help. anybody can do this. you can help habitat for humanity. that's building houses for homeless people. that's good. you build it yourself. that would be so hard. right. that's dangerous. political rights for everybody. animal alliance. that's we said making lions be
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friends with with koalas or getting an owl to grab a monkey and lick it. l.a. food bank. you have packaged foods and distribute it to people who don't have enough food. the most -- that's if you are -- say you have some sort of special skill, like you are really good at playing the harp or good at painting you go and help a child in the hospital. you go and pounce about with the kids. oh, look at me doing a painting. that's a good one. and friendly house. that's for women in crisis. women with drugs and alcohol problems, because god knows i've given enough women drugs and alcohol problems in the past. [ applause ] >> jimmy: how can people go about doing this? >> if you are a person, and you must be, otherwise, how did you understand that? >> jimmy: again, but the animal alliance being slighted again here. >> caesar, angry. that's "planet of the apes." sorry. like, well, what it is is you go
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on to my facebook page and, yes, i would like to go to the wilton theater and thee this thing and then you pick the charity. and then you have the common decency to actually do the charity work. >> jimmy: that would be nice. >> there's no way of us knowing. >> jimmy: there's a special place in hell for people that do that sort of thing. >> imagine you lie to a charity in a way. that's like kicking away tiny tim's crutch. that's like abusing a lame orphan. >> jimmy: and who else is on the show with you? >> sarah silverman. >> jimmy: heard of her. yes. >> you know her? >> jimmy: funny. >> stop it. >> jimmy: that's it? >> she's going to introduce me and i'll come out. i don't know what i'm going to do. i got to write some jokes. >> jimmy: come up with something. maybe the animals can help. >> once they've formed an alliance i think they're going to be pretty useful to me. >> jimmy: russell brand, everybody. his "love x-change" show sunday night here in l.a. for tickets, go to russell brand's facebook page and sign up right there. we'll be right back with lukas nelson and promise of the real.
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♪ ♪ deep thinkin' hard drinkin' no feelin' ain't seen tomorrow yet ♪ ♪ no sleepin' till you're six feet sinkin no food till summer lets ♪ ♪ i'm lovin all the good people runnin' from the life i left behind i don't mind if you ♪ ♪ treat me unkind cause i'm leavin' all the time ♪ ♪ and ahh you never get too far ahh no matter who you are until you start to go ♪ ♪ until you start to go sweet dreaming is the one thing screaming from the pages of her soul ♪ ♪ she's so heavy but she thinks she's ready to escape the world
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ready no reason i should stay ♪ ♪ life is just like a ripple from the trickle of a raindrop on the sea it keeps running ♪ ♪ till the sun starts coming then it burns away like weed and ah you never get too far ♪ ♪ ah no matter who you are ah you never get too far ♪ ♪ ah no matter who you are until you start to go ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: i want to thank jane fonda. i want to thank russell brand. i want to apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time for him. tomorrow night, jeremy renner will be here. judy greer will be with us, and music from chevelle. this is their album. it's called "promise of the real." playing us off the air with "don't lose your mind" -- see the full performance at jimmykimmellive.com -- once again, lukas nelson and promise of the real. good night!
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