tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC April 21, 2012 12:00am-1:05am EDT
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tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> everybody okay? we had a scary morning this morning. we had a half inch of rain in l.a. today. >> ashley judd. and director bobcat goldthwait. >> as i kid, i was watching, can you count to ten, john john? that guy's a good actor. ahh!ng, smiling -- stop smiling. >> oh [ bleep ]. this is [ bleep ] -- it's [ bleep ]. >> "jimmy kimmel live,"
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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight -- ashley judd. director bobcat goldthwait. and music from the civil wars. with cleto and the cletones. and now, as far as i know, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. hi, hi, hi. that's very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for coming. thanks for watching at home. i want to thank everyone in our studio audience tonight for --
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thank you for braving the elements to be here with us. everybody okay? we had a scary morning this morning. we had a half inch of rain in l.a. today. and it fell from the sky. god must be mad at us or something. it was terrible. the bottoms of my yoga pants got all wet. [ laughter ] rain is actually very dangerous in l.a., because we are amazed when we see it. we stand there looking up at it and if our mouths are open, we can drown. this was a 400-pound bear loose not far from here yesterday. this bear had been spotted in the area repeatedly over the last couple of months. apparently it had a taste for co costco meatballs. it could break in someone's refrigerator to find them. but yesterday, it was tranquilized. but not before it scared the crap out of a guy, they got this on camera, which is amazing. he was walking and texting at the same time and happened upon
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the bear. well, here's the whole story from headline news. >> a guy is texting and he look up and sees a 400-pound bear. yeah, the bear had been spotted roaming in the neighborhood. when the guy saw it yesterday. well, he got out of there fast. >> i was texting my boss that i would be late to work. manager is going on and i'm coming down the stairs and i see the bear coming up the stairs towards me so i turned back and ran for my life. >> you should have seen it, it was awesome. this guy was texting, i was like grr, and he was like ahh! it was hilarious. not cool. >> nobody was hurt. fish and game officials tranquilized the bear and it was released in the national forest. >> jimmy: thank goodness. it all worked out fine. [ applause ] you know -- dumb. yeah, it's dumb. this is a follow up story to
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something we talked about last week. did you hear the story about the woman who worked in the mcdonald's in baltimore who supposedly won the mega millions lottery in a pool with her coworkers but she was refusing to share the winnings? her name is mirlanda wilson. this is her story. >> a single woman claims she won the jackpot. >> with a tigt she bought with a dollar found on the floor. so, how does it feel to win the lottery? >> it feels good. >> but then things get confusing. >> she stashed her winning ticket at the mcdonald's, where she works. >> is it in the mcflurry machine? who knows? >> where is that ticket? >> meanwhile, the mcdonald's is now under watch by two armed security guards. >> i don't know what i'm supposed to do. >> this cat and mouse game has drawn the attention of the taiwanese animation. >> she claims she lost her ticket. >> wait a minute. let me get this straight.
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>> i'm becoming a little skeptical about her story. >> megamillions mystery. >> a megamess. >> megamillions mystery. >> are you going to claim the ticket? >> if i find it. >> did you lose the ticket? >> i misplaced it. >> you now have misplaced the ticket? >> i don't even know. >> jimmy: yeah, well it turns out, the real winners from maryland came forward yesterday and none of them were that woman. so all of the news channels reported on nothing. in fact, right now, i am reporting on nothing. [ laughter ] i guess to get on tv, you claim you won the lot toto. you don't even need to buy a ticket. her co-workers arer er ir i fu. one was able to serve her with a lawsuit. a website asked her why she claimed to have a winning ticket. she said, this is a quote.
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she said, i don't know what really happened. but everybody doesn't know what really happened. well, you can't argue with that. and the bad news, she didn't win the lottery. the good news, she can still take home as many ketchup packets that she can stuff in her bra. [ applause ] i like for somebody to give her a reality show and then take it away right before it actually happens. an interesting study from sky scanner. an international poll of tourist ranks france atop the world's ruledest country to travelers. that's a shocker. the united states ranks number seven on the list. however, we, again, strongly finish number one on the list of countries with most reality shows about cupcakes, so -- that's good. this is from "ac 360's" show on cnn. at the end of the show, he does a thing called the ridicu-list
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to end things on a light note. last night's story was about a polish-american tradition known as dyngus day and it tickled mr. cooper, to say the least. >> it can be traced back to a medieval word called worthy or suitable. here is how you celebrate. >> boys spin sprinkling girls with water and girls striking back with a tap from a pussy will local branch. [ laughter ] >> i'm not going to let you do this. i'm sorry. [ laughter ] it's so stupid.
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it's really so stupid. [ laughter ] oh, come on. oh, come on. this is torture. [ laughter ] you just have to let it out. you just have to let it out. >> jimmy: i think anderson cooper is high. he's -- [ laughter ] how do you explain that? the word pussy willow is not that funny. it's -- no word is that funny. nothing has ever been that funny. i would like to see drug tests all around and get a test from wolf blitzer while you're at it. starting to look like the guy on the zigzag packet.
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another strange story from arizona. i contindon't know what's going there lately. the newest twist, lawmakers just passed through new bills. if they are all signed into law, would declare a woman to be pregnant from the first day of her last menstrual period, which means a women could be considered to be pregnant in the eyes of the law two weeks before concepti conception. so congratulations, lady, you are all arizona pregnant. [ applause ] you are all growing. i wonder if they realize if the bill passes, they won't be able to deport any illegal immigrants because they are all pregnant with an american citizen, right? somebody needs to have the talk with arizona. why not just say women are born pregnant? and the babies in those babies are pregnant, too. we are like russian nesting dolls. speaking of russians, florida congressman allen west made an interesting statement yesterday. >> i believe there are about 78
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to 81 members of the democratic party are members of the communist party. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: 78 to 81? that's very -- members of the communist party? really? it sounds like somebody to lay off the tom clancy novels. that, by the way, is a guy that people think should be mitt romney's running mate. i would like that, we haven't had a truly crazy vice president since -- now, actually. do you remember a fguy named george w. bush, a president who said hilarious things? we haven't seen much of him. but he made a brief appearance at a conference put on by the bush institute yesterday in new york. and in case you are wondering, he's still got it. >> the bush -- the center gives me an laura an opportunity to repay, as best as we can our
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vets. so, to this end, for example, i'm taking a bunch of vets mountain bike riding. and, you know, i love to mountain bike ride. what i don't like to do is be beaten by a one-legged veteran. but it's likely to happen. >> jimmy: i miss him so much. i really do. it's harder now. [ applause ] and one more thing, spring is in full bloom and with it, so are flowers, you know, fresh flowers brighten up any room. they don't have to be expensive. you can pick them from your garden, if your neighbors aren't home, pick from their garden. and arrange them yourself. my aunt chippy has expertise in the area. tonight, we asked her to show you how to do it yourself. so, here she is. it's time for a special edition
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of "chip's tips." >> hi, this is aunt chippy and we're going to have some chip's tips on how to make a -- >> wait a second. cut. you don't look happy at all. >> i can't get three [ bleep ] words out before you stop me. >> keep smiling, keep smiling, keep smiling. action. >> how long do you have to say that for? >> we were doing so well. >> you had such a nice smile. okay, let's try that again. you ready? here we go and smile. keep smiling. keep smiling. keep smiling. keep smiling. keep smiling. keep smiling. keep smiling. keep smiling. keep -- oh, you stopped smiling. >> oh, [ bleep ]. this is [ bleep ]. it's [ bleep ]. [ bleep ], [ bleep ], you should know better! how long you do you think i can sit there like this? and you keep saying smiling, smiling, smiling. do you know when it's going to end? >> keep smiling. >> oh, [ bleep ], come on.
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>> action. >> hi, welcome to chip's tips. we're going to do some flower arrangements today. we going put on gloves just for safety precautions. we were going put on gloves but they don't have fingers in them. now, with -- >> cut, cut, cut. put on the gloves. >> they don't have fingers in them. stupid -- you have seen these things? another thing is, i cannot open up this pair of -- oh -- >> stick them against your -- >> do you want me to put it under my throat, sal? >> nothing's easy with you. >> i am not going to cut my jugular trying to open up these [ bleep ] scissors. >> >> your what? >> my jugular. it's like a vein.
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>> like a circus juggler? >> stop treating me like i'm disturbed. >> action. >> welcome to chip's tips. today we're going put a nice -- >> todays? >> cut. cut. >> i don't -- i really don't need any remarks from you. that is bad enough over there. i don't need any remarks from you. do you hear me? do you hear me? and we're going to snip them a little bit, on an angle so that they get -- so they get water -- >> cut, cut -- >> it would be nice if they did cut. they don't freaking cut! you got to rip them apart. >> move the vase to the right a little bit. little bit to the right. there you go. that's good. okay, now -- here we go, now turn the vase a little bit so -- >> we are going do the -- turn the vase 150 times. is that the [ bleep ] we are going to do today? >> hold on. >> turn the vase like it has
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different ends. already, just yell when you want me to stop. >> stop, stop, stop. >> we're going to put some white ones in, just to offset it a little bit and kind of give it a little -- >> i think the while ones have too many petals on them. >> oh, yeah. >> can you take off, like, three petals off of it? >> three [ bleep ] petals, you are worried about? brad -- you have gone berserk? >> start off this by saying, you can really make your arrangement sing by adding something edible to it. okay? all right? >> to add to the beautiful flower arrangement, everybody loves something -- >> cut, you were supposed to put it on with wire. >> i thought you said put the chicken on -- >> you know when you get a chicken arrangement, when it's wired? smile.
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>> you ready? >> i'm ready. >> you know what? i'm going to tell you something. and i'm going to try to be very calm. i'm going to put this [ bleep ] chicken wing on this [ bleep ] piece of stick. i'm going wire this [ bleep ] green thing on to it. i'm going to stick it in that pot and i'm going to say good night. do you both hear me? do you? >> why are you so mad? >> piece of [ bleep ]. >> action. >> and the last thing we're going to put in the flower arrangement is a card. and it's a card and it says roses are red, violets are blue, [ bleep ] you and [ bleep ] you too. i'm done. good night. no, i'm done. >> chippy -- >> i'm done. i'm out of here! >> chippy, come back. >> they are going to kill me. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i apologize.
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we have a big show tonight. from the director of the new film "god bless america," bobcat goldthwait is here. we have music from the civil wars, and we'll be right back with ashley judd, so stick around. ♪ hey, dad, you think i could drive? i'll tell you what -- when we stop to fill it up. ♪ ♪ [ son ] you realize, it's gotta run out sometime. [ male announcer ] jetta tdi clean diesel. the turbo that gets 42 miles per gallon. that's the power of german engineering. ♪
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>> jimmy: hi, friends. welcome back. tonight on the program, an old pal of ours. in fact, he used to be director of this show. now he's the director and writer of a very, very, very, very dark comedy called "god bless america." it opens in theaters may 11th or you can see it now via video-on-demand. bobcat goldthwait is here with us tonight. hopefully if we're all enthusiastic, he will do the bobcat voice. and then -- [ applause ] music from a multiple grammy award-winning duo. this is their debut album called
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"barton hollow" -- the civil wars are here. we are good show you tomorrow night, too. danny mcbride will be here, as will dianna agron from "glee," and we'll have music from the shins. so join us then. our first guest is an eighth generation kentuckian who went to 12 different schools in 13 years. she owns five cats and two dogs. she's been nominated for two golden globes, and her husband won the indy 500. no other wards, she has a lot going on. her new show is called "missing," watch it thursdays at 8:00 here on abc. please say hello to ashley judd. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very good to see you. >> are you a numbers guy? >> jimmy: yeah, like numbers. love letters too. >> can i give you a gentle correction? >> jimmy: go ahead. >> he won the indianapolis 500
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twice. >> jimmy: oh, two times. [ applause ] yeah. that is significant. that is worth mentioning. how are you? how is everything? >> everything is good. it is good. >> jimmy: congratulations. your team, the university of kentucky won -- >> eight, the numbers. >> jimmy: ncaa title. >> today is the first day of signing day. we're looking good for number nine. >> jimmy: you are serious, you are not the fair weather fans that shows up the end. yes? >> i love my basketball team. and people think i'm an exaggerated form of a kentucky nut but i'm just a really generic run of the mill kentucky fan. we are all bonkers. >> jimmy: you went to a lot of games in the tournament? >> this season, i was able to attend six games. i was there to see us defeat north carolina and the university of louisville -- twice. and then i was able to go to the second round, which is really the third round but the play-in games are really woboring and t
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elite eight, the semis and the championship game. >> jimmy: do you do the brackets? >> of course i do the brackets, one what i think and one what i hope. and this year, they were one in the same. >> jimmy: oh, they were, yeah. because you feel disloyal when you pick another team, you know -- i always just pick the team i like. then i feel like -- i feel guilty about picking a team i don't like to win and the hell with, it's $10, right? i mean, really. >> your pool is only 10? >> jimmy: yeah. it is -- why, how much is yours? are you in a heavy hitter pool? >> no, i was just trying to make a joke. >> jimmy: oh, i got you. you help the team with recruiting? i think a quick meeting with you could potentially, like tip things over for a lot of the guys. >> it's against ncaa regulation for an alum to have contact with a recruit. potential recruit. say, for example, noel, announced today that he is coming to the university of kentucky. i'm not real sure if i'm allowed to tweet him. incan say his name, but i don't know if i'm allowed -- so,
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anyway -- >> jimmy: just do it, see what happens. >> there are very strict regulations about that. and i was at game this year, and went back to the car, and deron lamb, the leading scorer of our team, absolutely wonderful player, shooting guard with a lovely touch was like, can you give me a ride back to the lodge and i was like, i don't think i can. and i'm glad i said no. i checked with our compliance officer and you absolutely may not give him a ride four blocks from the gym to the lodge. >> jimmy: what if it's an emergency and he is chased by wolves? >> it's still an ncaa infraction. when kentucky won the title in 1996 and i was great friends at the time with tony, my favorite player, the mvp of the final four, i could not buy him a congratulatory milkshake. >> jimmy: the schools and the ncaa make so much money from these tournaments. and you can't buy him a milkshake. that is disgusting.
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what flavor would you have bought him? >> mvp? setting the record for threes med in a time? any flavor i had wanted. >> jimmy: who did you take? you get tickets, i imagine everyone you know wants to go with you -- >> and people i don't know. >> jimmy: sure, yeah. who do you -- how do you decide who gets to go? >> i had a lot of wonderful dates to kentucky games over the years. my dad, my pop, my husband, my mom done the "y" with me before, the time-out after halftime, where we do the big kentucky thing that is wonderful. but perhaps, without hurting anyone's feelings, my favorite date was uncle mark and we just had the most wonderful time. >> jimmy: uncle mark? what makes him so much fun? >> well, uncle mark is a modest and soft spoken and extremely gentle man. and he is a minister. and he couldn't come because he
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was writing sermons on saturday. but this year, because he has a different job, he was able to go with me. and i said to him in the beginning of the season, you and me, we are going all the way with this team. and this lovely mild mannered gentleman can heckle a referee like you would not believe. >> jimmy: really, a pastor? >> oh, my gosh. so, we're at the final four and he is calling a referee an -- egg-sucking dirty hound dog, maybe? and this is three calls after the offending call. he has a very good memory. and he doesn't heckle when they get it wrong, when they get it right, oh, you got one right. so, anyway, i turn to my section, i'm like, what do you think he does for a living? and the whole setup, he is a preacher. they're like, no. he became a little famous, uncle mark. >> jimmy: the profane preacher.
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i guess egg-sucking is not profa profane. you can't go over that line, you go directly to hell. does your husband like basketball? >> dario really enjoys the final four. >> jimmy: he's from scotland, for people that don't know. >> yes, he is scottish. his first love over than motor sport is what we would call soccer. football. >> jimmy: they all like that stuff. but he goes with you and he tolerates the fact we use our hands when we play sports? [ laughter ] >> he likes it. he was -- he got nervous for the team. in fact, i think he got nervous for all the student athletes and the amount of pressure where they were playing and the free throws just drove him nuts. he really enjoyed it and hopefully he will come with me again. because i got to look really smart and good because i explained the whole thing to me. >> jimmy: if one of the players needs a ride, if he drives, you could get him there so quickly, you would never get him an
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you were expecting someone else? >> where's my son? >> he is alive for now. he is a fighter. like his mother. >> jimmy: that's ashley judd, the show is "missing." ashley, why are you and those men so angry at each other? seems like -- can't you just talk out what your problems are? >> when i'm capable of doing that, why talk? >> jimmy: your show is set in a different country each week and do you really go to the countries or do you have a giant green screen? >> yes, we filmed missing all over europe. prague was the base camp. that is where i had my apartment for four and a half months.
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>> jimmy: wow. >> and each episode is set in some spectacular, beautiful place. >> jimmy: do you like that? do you like traveling around and doing that? >> i do. i prefer a different kind of travel. i prefer the really gritty, grass roots developing country type humanitarian travel i do. prague was beautiful and i did try to take in some of the historical sites and familiarize myself with the phenomenal legacy that is prague, because that enriched my experience, running back and forth from all the locations. >> jimmy: i want to ask you about something you said in an interview. if i see a good creek, i have to get in it, it's disrespectful to the creek not to get in. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what -- what makes a good creek, just to start with? >> oh, beautiful, clear, running water. i like shale bottom creek, because that's what we have a lot of in eastern kentucky. that brings up sentimental feelings. >> jimmy: even if it's freezing cold do you go in?
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>> of course. >> jimmy: do you take off your clothing or do you carry a bathing suit with you? >> i have a creek suit that i wear. i was born in it. >> jimmy: that's right. great to see you. congratulations on the success of the show. the show is called "missing," see it thursday night at 8:00 on abc. ashley judd. we'll be right back with bobcat goldthwait. man, i'm glad aflac pays cash.
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greatest dad" and "windy city heat." his latest is called "god bless america." it is available now via video-on-demand and opens in theaters may 11th. please welcome bobcat goldthwait. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow, look at you. you are a real film director now. >> yeah, i am acting like a jerk. hir. thanks for having me on the show. >> jimmy: no, you look really nice. your parents would be very pleased. >> i do look a little like picture day. >> jimmy: how is everything going? >> everything is great. i'm actually nervous. >> jimmy: you look great. >> thank you, you too. it's weird -- >> jimmy: i was kidding. >> yeah, i know. because when i worked here, i was really skinny and you were fat and now, i'm fat -- and look at you, all skinny. >> jimmy: it will be back. don't worry. >> you got to fight it, every day. fight the manorexia.
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get in there and eat, jimmy. you're better than that. no one likes the skinny jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: that's true. they didn't like the other one that much, either. >> fat is funny. i'm funnier now, i'm fat, hey. look at me, i'm fat, i'm portly '80s comedian. >> jimmy: will you be doing the voice for us tonight? [ applause ] >> oh! >> you're going to be a [ bleep ] in my [ bleep ] tonight, aren't you? sorry, irv. so, um, here's the deal. i'm going to tell a quick story involving -- >> >> jimmy: a heard a little of the voice right there. >> i know because i got nervous. but when i used to direct the show, grover was on. did i ever tell you this story? grover came on. the muppet. i don't know, it's not
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washington or cleveland. so grover came on and i showed up for rehearsal. and he fwhunt, like, a special box. he was just laying on the stage. it looked creepy. it looked like a suicide. he's been very despondent after tickle me 'em melmo took off. i said, can you put grover on, he puts him on, he goes, hi bobcat! and i go, hi grover, like, i really truly became a kid. at that same moment, i was like, oh, this is clearly where i got my act. clearly, as a kid, this is where i got my act. can you count to ten john john? that guy's a good actor. >> jimmy: there you go. that's what we wanted. now, this "god bless america" is a comedy about a killing spree. is that how you would describe it?
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>> it's a very violent movie about kindness. >> jimmy: i would agree with you. how many people -- how many people get killed in this movie? >> onscreen it's 35. >> jimmy: really? seemed like more to me. >> because there's people who get killed offcamera. spoiler alert, maybe a baby gets shot. [ laughter ] in my defense that baby was [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: that baby -- >> that baby -- um -- [ applause ] no, the baby -- >> jimmy: what happened with the baby? >> yeah, we do shoot a baby. but here's the thing about the baby. nobody told the parents that that's what the scene was. yeah. and so the second a.d., the guy goes, what are you shooting today? and she goes, "your baby!" and then she realizes, no one told the guy we were shooting his baby. >> jimmy: was he okay with it? >> yeah, he got 200 bucks.
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the baby wouldn't cry. i need a baby that cries. by the way, the baby wasn't an a-hole. really nice guy. the baby just sat there like, you know, and it's supposed to be crying and it never would cry. and everyone said, babies always cry. and i would love to tell you i'm a better man than this. and i crawled on the floor and i got in the baby's face and i'm like -- [ laughter ] and the baby would go, ahh. and as soon as i ducked down -- it would shut up. so i'm under the baby -- roll the camera, roll the camera. and i love the fact this kid is going to be 10 and "police academy" will come on and just like -- ahh! run outside, ahh! >> jimmy: you scarred him. >> it's the bad man. >> jimmy: i want to read some of the reviews of the movie. you have an 89% rating on rotten tomatoes.
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did you know that? >> nice. [ applause ] >> jimmy: says, darkly comedic, infinitely charming. we may be able to crown goldthwait. it's a sad day when stiffler defecating in a cooler -- wait, that's the new "american pie" movie. i don't you have benefitted from anyone with anything before. this is really -- >> i was like -- very sweet of you, but you're like, going, why didn't he bust some of that out when he worked here? >> jimmy: well, you can only do so much. >> i want to say that is very kind to read the nice reviews. but i will say, if i have any kind of a directing career, it is because of you. >> jimmy: well, thank you. [ applause ] >> no, i mean -- jimmy -- >> jimmy: save it for the oscars. >> no, no -- oscars.
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a guy named oscar. go with guillermo. >> jimmy: guillermo, you remember bobcat, right? he used to work here. >> he has gotten so much bigger. >> jimmy: he had a baby, he has another one on the way now. >> i can put him in the sequel. does your baby like to act? i will say, jimmy did hire me when pretty much -- i was a punch line to a lot of people and i appreciate that. >> jimmy: i didn't do it for you, i did it for me. [ applause ] look how adorable. you have really put on a lot of weight, honestly. >> i really have. i don't do anything. i used to work. i used to run the stairs up and down. >> jimmy: we have a clip of the movie. i believe. >> oh, so this is a clip where -- describe the setup. the guy is suicidal and he's diagnosed with a brain tumor. hey, no, it gets funnier. and then -- he's about to commit suicide but he sees a show that's very similar to "my super
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sweet 16." so, instead of committing suicide, he drives 400 miles an shoopts the girl in the held from "my super sweet 16." >> she's a horrible, horrible girl. >> and then we are going see a clip from her classmate. >> jimmy: this is joel murray, who is terrific and happens to be bill murray's brother. >> yeah, yeah -- >> jimmy: not that you didn't know that. >> i did know that. >> jimmy: let's take a look at the clip. the movie is called, again, "god bless america." >> who you killing next? do you take requests? i was thinking some kardashians, my gym coach. people who give high fives? really, any jock. twihards. people that talk about punk rock. who else really [ bleep ] my -- >> get off the bed. >> women who call their tits the girls. >> stop it! >> jimmy: that is "god bless america."
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>> jimmy: we're back with bobcat. this is their latest album. it's called "barton hollow." here with their song "kingdom come," the civil wars. ♪ ♪ run run run away buy yourself another day ♪ ♪ a cold wind's whispering secrets in your ear so low only you can hear ♪ ♪ hmm-mm run run run and hide somewhere no one else can find ♪ ♪ tall trees bend their lean pointing where to go
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