>> dicky: up next on an all new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> they said if michael phelps were its own country, marijuana would be league. >> david duchovny. >> why do we have garbagemen when we could just

>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- david duchovny, comedian jeff ross, and music from alabama shakes with cleto and the cletones. and now, places, everybody, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi there. hello. very nice. very nice. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for watching. thanks for coming out to join us. on this hot and steamy summer

night. it's good to be back. you know, we're on vacation for two weeks, while i was over in london to compete in the olympics which i did not, not only didn't i win, they didn't even let me on the field. did you know you have to qualify to be in the olympics? [ laughter ] totally racist. looking back, this particular olympics is the greatest sitcom with a monkey in it possibly in the history of mankind. athletes of the united states did very well. more medals than any country. 104 total. 46 in gold. female did particularly well. they said if american women were its own country they would finish fifth overall. they said if michael phelps was his own country, marijuana would be legal now. [ applause ] so congratulations to all the olympic medal winners/future

"dancing with the stars" contestants. did you watch the closing ceremonies last night? there are a number of things, winston churchill popped out of big ben and played shakespeare. at one point, a car blew up and batman and robin jumped out. and yet the athletes have to be tested for drugs. the big excitement was for the spice girls reunion. ryan seacrest announced in his most serious olympic announcer voice this was the first spice girls reunion since their reunion in 2008. we got to see history made. the spice girls, on stage again, it was a scary moment when one of the decathletes tried to take

her for a javelin and throw it. and the mayor of london. ♪ hot hot [ applause ] >> jimmy: english people are very white. even their black people are white in england. [ laughter ] i feel like they make the closing ceremony intentionally over the top and weird just so everyone gets the hint that they need to leave to go home. [ laughter ] here in the united states, this olympics was the most watched event in television history, 219 million people tuned in. i guess we love watching estonian women dance around waving a ribbon. i bet the ratings would have been even higher if they combined the olympics with shark week. it's shark week this week.

how much more fun would the olympics have been if there was a shark in the pool. [ applause ] forget the time. ryan lochte versus a starving 900-pound hammerhead. something to think about for 26 feet. it's been very hot here this week, hasn't it? either that or i'm going through menopause. it's terrible. it's 108 in woodland hills. it seems hotter than that. very unpleasant. i was forced to drink water this morning, yuck. the actual weather service issued an extreme heat warning this afternoon, just i case you didn't know it was hot. so thank you to them. you know, we all get together and open our refrigerators, we could beat this thing. this intensity has been going on for about a week now. we've been roasting in the sun and quite frankly, i'm sick of it. i asked one of our guests tonight, noted insult comedian jeffrey ross, to go out in front of the theater and roast the sun back.

>> hey, sun, you've been roasting us so we're going to roast you. you're such an ego maniac, you think the whole world revolves around you. you flare up more than rush limbaugh's hemorrhoids. you're too cocky, son. we're out here sweating like john travolta on a massage table. i think i speak for everyone when i say go spf yourself. yeah! [ applause [ applause ] >> jimmy: hold on a second. the sun has been roasting us. what we did, we turned the tables on it. you understood that? guillermo, you understood that the first time? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: on sunday, mitt romney chose paul ryan as his running mate. it was a bold choice for romney going with a human.

43% of american has never heard of him and the other 50% thought he was the guy tom hanks brought home from normandy. look at that, you can open a can of beans with that. let's go back. there you go, they kind of look like a father and son in an ad for super cuts, don't they? they can borrow each other's clothes. they're two handsome devils. as a matter of fact, if you search paul ryan on google. the fourth phrase is paul ryan shirtless. this is why i love america, the man is nominated to lead our country, one of our first thoughts are, i wonder what his nipples look like? romney made the first move on

the "uss wisconsin." he made a slipup when he welcomed ryan to the stage. >> join me in welcoming the next president of the united states, paul ryan? >> jimmy: i'm not sure, but i think mitt romney just fired himself. [ laughter ] hey -- thank you. see, the sun has been roasting us. and we just gave it right back. you know, there's an important new reality show i want to alert to you. it premiered last week on tlc. tlc used to be the learning channel. now, it's the opposite of that. the show is called "here comes honey boo-boo." it's a spinoff of "toddlers and tiaras." her and her family, in the premiere last week, the ladies of the house decided to go on a diet together. to get that started, mom june

weighed herself on an unfortunates bathroom scale. >> y'all ady? y'all ready? don't say enough. >> e! >> my momma weighs the most in my family because she's fat. >> jimmy: well, there is a certain logic to that, i guess. [ laughter ] welcome honey boo-boo child to the nan of snookis and kardashians. this is good. this is one of those rare cases when a story goes from tragic right to hilarious in a second. swimmers in williamsport, pennsylvania, happen upon what appear to be a dead body floating in the river. that's the tragic part. >> visitors in a pennsylvania river spotted what they thought was a dead body floating in the water.

police and a reporter was called. then the floating man stunned everyone when he got out. >> i was out like a leaf, but it was comfortable. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: one more thing is, do any of you play the game "draw something?" are you familiar with this, it's very addictive. they give you a word or phrase, you draw with a finger, then you play with a person online. we like it so much, we came up with our own version called "celebrity draw something." now, the producers here at the show ask the celebrity to draw a portrait of him or herself. i do not know who the celebrity is. we're going to watch the drawing happen in realtime. you help me guess who it is. the last time, we were unsuccessful, kristen bell was the answer and it looked like

abraham lincoln or something. if we need help -- guillermo, do you have clues to help us out? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: where are the clues? >> guillermo: well, i have to see it. >> jimmy: wait a minute, do you know who it is? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: do you have clues written down? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: how are we going to get the clues? are you going to make them up? >> guillermo: no, i'm not sure who it is, but i'm going to see it. >> jimmy: all right. you guys read [ applause ] >> jimmy: begin the drawing. what do we have here, a homer simpson head. looks like a bell. like the paul frank monkey kind of, right? i see a lot of freckles. this can't be a human, can it? this does look like a monkey with a mustache. and dreadlocks? a monkey with a mustache and

dreadlocks. this is supposed to be a person that was on the show? okay. guillermo, can we get a clue, please? >> guillermo: big mustache. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, we saw the mustache. but give me another clue. >> guillermo: big head. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. a big mustache and a big head. okay. oh, maybe, it's supposed to be a bald guy? do we have any -- has anyone -- does anyone have any idea as to who it might be? tom selleck? how is that tom selleck? if it is, something terrible has happened to tom selleck. hmm. ron howard? no, no, he doesn't have a mustache. ron howard's brother, clint howard. that seems unlikely.

huh? i don't know what you're talking about. [ laughter ] all right. well, let's see -- guillermo, can we have one more clue? >> guillermo: big eyes. >> jimmy: you've been very helpfu let's see who the celebrity is. and the celebrity is -- >> dr. phil. >> jimmy: dr. phil, how did you know i was going to get it wrong? thank you, dr. phil. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, jeffrey ross is here. we'll be back with david duchovny, so stick around. some places i go really aggravate my allergies.

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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back. tonight on the program, a very funny man with a new show called "the burn with jeff ross," it premieres tomorrow night at 10:30 on comedy central, jeff ross is here. [ cheers and applause ] and then, a terrific band with music from this album "boys & girls," alabama shakes from the bud light stage. [ cheers and applause ] you'll like them. so stick around for them. tomorrow night on the show, joseph gordon-levitt will be here from the movie "bachelorette." rebel wilson, and our musical guest is good old war. and later this week, jennifer garner, paul scheer, thomas haden church, chef rick bayless, and we'll have music from j-jamz and the fixx. so join us for those. oh, and i want to tell you, we have very big news. congratulations to our band member cleto and his wife who had a baby boy.

there. he is. [ applause ] that's his actual head. [ laughter ] his name is cleto valentine escobedo iv. congratulations. he's got to have a number 5, right, his name name -- >> cleto: cruz. >> jimmy: and when he gets drunk, his friends will call him booze cruz, i love it. our first guest has encountered ufos, you name it, his new role is as the bearded pot-smoking goat man in the new movie "goats." please welcome david duchovny. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: i have to say, i heard you had a birthday a few years ago. >> i did. >> jimmy: you turned 52 years ago old. [ applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: it actually made me feel good, becau sometimes i start to think, not that i'm going to look like you when i'm 52, sometimes, i think, yeah, i'm getting old. then i look at you, and i go, wow, he's 52, he looked fantastic. >> i don't know how to react to that. [ laughter ] >> maybe, you're welcome. i don't know. >> jimmy: what did you do for your birthday? >> well, i was working. i was working and my kids were here. they brought me a cake. >> jimmy: how old are your kids? >> 10 and 13. and they brought me a carvelle cake, you know that? it's great because it's their

favorite. i had to cut it, i don't think michelangelo could cut it. >> jimmy: for some reason, the carvelle cake, you have to saw -- even the flying saucer is way too hard. you don't like carvelle, though? >> no, no, it's okay. i love the whole idea of carvelle because i grew up in new york. carvelle is like -- they have local ads. you probably don't remember them at all. tom carvelle would -- he had a voice like this -- for some reason, he called his ice cream "the product." [ laughter ] >> it wasn't like, look at that ice cream. it was like look at that product. we've got a fantastic product and they only had one mold, remember? >> jimmy: yeah. >> they would rotate it to different shapes. fudgy the whale. who knows why, a whale, for father's day, a whale of a dad,

why? and then you turn it this way and the tail -- no, you turn it this way, and the beard is santa's beard and the little tail is the hat. and then you turned it this way, and it was abraham lincoln with the beard and the hat. and they only had one gold. mold. >> jimmy: it was like an easter egg. around january, it became a football for super bowl parties. >> and cookie puss. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then st. patrick's day, they put green on it and called it cookie 0 'puss. i remember whitey ford doing ads for it. >> jimmy: really? i don't remember that. >> it seems like an obsess. i wanted an ad, i couldn't get the whitey ford.

they wouldn't release it. i did get an ad where a guy was talking about his product for halloween. and it cracks me up. shed, tom carvelle is interviewing this local owner. tom carvelle gave him the carvelle name. he said what have you got for halloween? he goes, well, i have a pumperkin. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i took a field trip as a cub scout. we walked from the lady's house where we had the meeting. to carvelle. they showed us the machines. not at anytime did they ever give us ice cream. we got to ice cream. >> you want that product, you got to pay for that product. >> jimmy: it was a comic book about carvelle. >> i have -- when we were kids, we have this carvelle joke,

which i will share it with you if you like, it's very quick. >> it's little poop -- i'm pooping right now. >> jimmy: fudgy the whale. >> did i ruin the joke? look at that product. you should know that it's soft serve ice cream. >> jimmy: it is. >> how does tom carvelle take a dump? >> jimmy: i don't know. [ laughter ] nicely done. [ applause ] >> that's the product. my mother is going to be so proud. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what does your mother say -- does your mother watch "californication?" >> i don't think so. >> jimmy: has she learned that

experience not to watch it? >> yeah, i was doing a movie callede rapture." traumatized her. it was one of my first and i was proud of it, and i wanted her to go see it. and it didn't occur to me that maybe it's not cool for a parent to go see your son murdered. from then on, she said, no, no, it's fine. i can't go see you if you get naked or you get killed. i don't know which is first in her mind. >> jimmy: i think killed is probably first. >> i think it's naked. >> jimmy: you do? she's certainly seen you naked before. many times. >> it's different in a movie theater with a bunch of other people. >> jimmy: what about your kids, do they -- >> no, no, they don't watch that. i'm going to put it in a time capsule. when i'm dead, it's going to be in my will, now you can watch

"californication." this is how you went through college. >> jimmy: are they allowed on the set? >> yeah, it's not that way all the time. actually pretty rarely. but the images that it's that way all the time. really it's fudgy the whale and carvelle most of the time. >> jimmy: i'm trying to remember my dad in that situation and i'm not able to -- well, i mean, i know your dad has passed away. but is that something that you could even formulate in your head? >> oh, me having a child and going to reverse that. >> jimmy: him doing what you often do on "calornication" where you're laying on a bed -- >> i think it would be great if my dad showed up and watched them have sex. k" ""you're in the movie "goats."

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without all that pain... so, tell me about the next goat trip you're planning? >> it's still in the works. i'll be taking it up to higher elevations. black and tan male with the horns, lance? >> lance, that's it. >> he bothers me when i'm reading my paper by the pool. >> if they don't their intestines are full. >> i saw a baby goat inside out. >> gross. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's david duchovny, the movie is called "goats."

kind of a coming of age thing? >> i'm a mentor. this kid has grown up with me in the poolhouse when i take care of the pool and grow cannabis. and goats. he's going away to the east coast prep school and he's kind of torn between the west coast tucson family in which i'm the mentor. his dad is played by ty burrell on the east coast. it has funny people butting heads. >> jimmy: and you do an incredible goat noise. >> i do. i was so excited when i got the script. i've been doing a goat noise since high school. [ laughter ] and finally, i could use my talent. [ laughter ] this movie was made for anyone that went to collegiate high school, which is where i went. and we used this noise as -- >> jimmy: this is a thing that you guys would all do? >> we'd all do it.

it was to let somebody know that they were being stupid. it was a sarcastic sound. >> jimmy: i see. >> you can think of anything to say that would be patently obvious? >> jimmy: you mean more than i already have? [ laughter ] >> maybe about the sun roasting. >> jimmy: hey, i don't know if you saw it earlier, but we really roasted the sun. >> hey! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that really what the goat sounds like? >> no, it was like -- [ goat sound ] if it stops raining we'll be able to go outside [ goat sound ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how did the goats react when you did that? did they understand you? >> it was clear i was saying something in goat language, but i don't think it was what i thought i was saying. >> jimmy: will goats either

anything? >> they will eat anything as long as they're not on camera and supposed to be. >> jimmy: you didn't enjoy working with them? >> no, they're kind of neutral. they're not dogs and they're not lions either. somewhere in the middle. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did they eat things they're not supposed to? >> they'll chew on stuff. if you're not paying attention, if you have anything hanging out of your clothes. >> jimmy: oh, really? like that lapel they might go for? >> they might. especially if it had a letter on the seam and there's glue that you lick, a closed letter. they like that. >> jimmy: why do we even have garbagemen when we could have goats sitting outside of the house? [ goat sound ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: we'll be right back with jeff ross. the perfect photo... [ man ] nice! [ male announcer ] isn't always the one you plan to take. whoa, check it out. hey baby goat... no that's not yours...

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[ applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everyone. welcome back to the show. our next guest is probably not the guy you'd want to deliver your eulogy, especially if you're still alive. last night, he roasted roseanne and his new show, "the burn with jeff ross" premieres at 10:30 tomorrow night on comedy centralease say hello to the roastmaster neral, jeffrey ross. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: you came in the wrong door. they missed you when you -- >> i'm having fun. [ laughter ] >> what door did i come out? >> jimmy: you're in the wrong place. had you high right now? what's going on? >> a little bit. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you were very funny last night on the roast of roseanne on comedy central. >> thank you. so much fun. i never roasted a pig before. [ laughter ] >> she can handle it. she's a good sport. >> jimmy: that's the great thing about this roast, i noticed, because you made a lot of fat jokes about roseanne and yet you are fatter than she is.

>> you know, roseanne lives in hawaii right now. if you don't know where hawaii is, it's just off the coast of roseanne. >> jimmy: did things get cut out of the show? >> we're going to have the roast at the inside of the staples center. of course, i'm talking about the inside of roseanne's stomach. >> jimmy: she didn't have any problem with the jokes? >> she loved it. i got -- >> jimmy: that was weird. tom around showed up. >> that was weird. >> jimmy: he was funny. it was kind of weird in a way. it was like one of the most weird moments i've ever seen on the roasts. >> you saw him trembling a little and her fidgeting in her seat. >> jimmy: he's always trembling. >> people say he's not a good actor. he had sex with roseanne with his eyes open.

he should win an oscar, tom around. >> jimmy: he did a really good job. that was a strange thing. they hadn't seen each other for 18 years. all of a sudden, there they are. and roast is a crazy atmosphere. i mean, it really is as close to a fist fight as comedians get, right? >> they've gotten rowdier, and rowdier. it's like football and nascar. >> jimmy: and it was wisely alongsehe closing of the olympics lasnight. you have your own show called "the burn with jeff ross." it's not a workout video. >> twitter said, the only thing i should be burning is calories. >> jimmy: you don't mind when people say stuff like that about you? >> i like it.

because it diverts how ugly i am. >> jimmy: that's not a good sign when people actually go, oh. >> you know how long i had to sleep to get my hair like this? >> jimmy: how long? >> i told the barber, i look like kadafi's nephew. >> jimmy: when was the last time you had a haircut? >> 1982. >> jimmy: you look like a character from fragilerock now. >> the last thing my uncle said was jeff, lose some weight and get a haircut. >> jimmy: this isle how you showed up at the roast. [ laughter ] now, there will be more growning but you're joe paterno there. or the ghost of joe paterno. now, you know joe paterno wasn't the guy with the little boys, right? >> hey, the "p" stands for people that can take a joke.

>> jimmy: people did get upset with the joke. >> there's a lot of joe pa fans out there. but i believe comedians have a responsibility to shine a light on the dark side of the society. and i was going for it. >> jimmy: plus, it's funny. it's a roast. >> exactly. i thought roseanne represents unapologetic comedy. i let her boyfriend go soft on her. i'm not going soft on her. >> jimmy: some people like ellen barkin. you killed her. it was terrible. >> i think barken was the first thing she said when she was born. >> jimmy: it was bad. and then when she's sitting there, it makes it bad and then also worse. >> she wanted to have sex with me after the show. >> jimmy: she did? and you didn't? >> i didn't.

>> jimmy: why not? >> i don't know -- maybe i did. >> jimmy: you have to look back over your files. >> and carrie fisher was hilarious. >> jimmy: it seemed like she didn't know what she was getting into. >> she was very wasted. >> jimmy: she was. >> we all remember her as princess leia of "star wars." that was 40 years or something. i said to carrie fisher, you look like the force is very strong with you. the force of gravity. she's eating a bun from the side of her head i think. it was weird. we didn't take a commercial, we had a men-opause. [ laughter ] >> it was fun, jimmy. we have tote gu ba get you backe things. >> jimmy: who are you roasting

on the show? >> people, places and things who we all love. i go out and roast meter maids, bouncers. we don't like them. i have this one point where i go out an a roaster coaster, basically with a segway with a clip board on front. i went out to meter maids. >> jimmy: let's take a look at the clip. >> take it off the street, baldy. write something useful like a suicide note. how do i back up. i'm just doing my job. feel the burn, buddy. you're tough on people, man. >> i've got to be. they have a quota. >> a quota? >> yeah. >> what do you mean, so many tickets to black people, mexicans? >> really? >> do you have a girlfriend? >> no. >> maybe because you're a meter maid. [ laughter ]

>> you can run, but you can't hide, meter boy. [ applause ] >> fun, man. >> jimmy: yeah. >> roasting doesn't have to be celebrities. i can roast anybody, you know. >> jimmy: what about people who pass away? >> every week, on the show, we have a segment where we pay homage to somebody. sally ride passed away. shes what the first astronaut ever have been weightless. >> jimmy: hopefully, every week, you'll have somebody die, right? >> hopefully, somebody will die every week. >> jimmy: what if they don't? what will you do? >> i think people will kill themselves for publicity. >> jimmy: you know, what's her name died, helen gurley brown,

the "cosmo" editor. >> she'd be good. yeah. the survey, yeah. what else in "cosmo." >> jimmy: the sex tips. how to have sex when you're 97 years old. >> we had steve jobs in the first episode, in the pilot. people don't normally make fun of steve jobs. in his funeral, they made this elaborate tribute video to play, but it didn't work because you needed flash. >> jimmy: that's not that bad. trust me it will be worse, right. >> they put him in a beautiful coffin and then they paid extra for a plastic case to protect him from scratches. "the burn with jeff ross" premieres on comedy

>> man: traffic is a parking lot so just go ahead and eat dinner without me, o.k.? yeah, love you too. [horns honking...] oh... hello, jimmy john's? [tires squeal, bike bell dings] >> you order jimmy john's? >> wow, that was fast! >> i would have been here sooner but this traffic stinks! [horns honking, radio playing] >> announcer: jimmy john's. order online at jimmyjohns.com. [horns honking...]

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: with the new album called "boys and girls." here with the song "i ain't the same," with some help from the antibalis horns, alabama shakes. ♪

♪ well i've been going through the motions wonder if anyone can see ♪ ♪ that i been looking for something have you been looking for me ♪ ♪ i ain't the same no more in fact i have changed ♪ ♪ from before no you ain't gonna find me oh no ♪ ♪ cause i'm not who i used to be well i used to be a little girl ♪ ♪ just a smiling feeling free i wasn't worried 'bout nobody ♪ ♪ nobody worried bout me

but i ain't the same no more you'll find ♪ ♪ i have changed ♪ ♪ i said i'd never grow old ♪ ♪ i can't remember how that used to be i find myself without the power ♪ ♪ i find myself without the glory

listen i ain't the same no more ♪ ♪ you'll find i have changed from before you ain't gonna find me oh no ♪ ♪ cause i ain't who i used to be no, oh no i ain't ♪ ♪ who i used to be no i ain't who i used to be ♪ ♪ oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i want to thank david

duchovny and jeff ross. i want to apologize to matt damon. and tomorr night with the song "rise to the sun" you can see the full performance at jimmy kimmel live. once again, alabama shakes! ♪ ♪ all i believe in is a dream i haunt the earth though i am fully seen ♪ ♪ in all my years i've never felt more sure than now ♪ ♪ well i've got to get off