keibler is here tonight. music from gary clark jr. who is great, one-and-only simon cowell is with us. simon is, i'm told, simon is backstage right now. sewing nipples into his shirt. he's here to promote a new season of "x-factor" and his inspirational new book "absolutely dreadful, why you suck and why there's absolutely nothing you can do about it." simon is going to be a father soon. a father to a child that is going to have an extremely hard time singing "twinkle twinkle little star" to get daddy to kiss him. according to the new world happiness report which is a real report that comes out every year, the united states is the 17th happiest country in the world. the report says the happiest country in the world is denmark. followed by -- oh, really? >> follow by norway, switzerland, netherlands and sweden. way to go super white people, i guess. you'd be happy too if everyone

you knew looked like thor and famke jansen. also ranking happier than the u.s. -- canada, sixth. see how happy they are? costa rica at 12th. and mexico, 16th. one higher than us. guillermo, you used to be mexican. why are they happier than we are? >> guillermo: they like to eat and drink. >> jimmy: according to the report, least happy countries are burundi and they are all countries in africa. hard to be happiest when a good day is a day you don't get trampled by a hippopotamus. last year we were 10th by the way. we are on, maybe i will sneak into mexico. that would confuse them, right? here is another fascinating study. this is from emory university in atlanta. this will be interesting for simon cowell and involves an important new finding on

parenting. a finding that is so important we felt compelled to highlight it on this week in science. ♪ this week in science men with small testicles are better parents. >> good work, scientists. now back to aids. >> that's because it is less dangerous for them to play catch. guillermo, are you a good father? >> guillermo: yes, a great father. >> jimmy: dr. oz had an amazing showing today. dr. oz went to a shoe store to try to convince women that they should pick comfortable shoes over fashionable shoes. and for some reason he felt that to do that, it was best that he go undercover as a woman. >> today i am getting in touch with my feminine side. this high or this high? and a faux transformation. customers think i am part of a store training video. >> you might want to try these as well. >> a little too low for me. >> looks like a good grocery

shopping shoe. >> try it. >> jimmy: well, if you can't tell that's a man -- selecting uncomfortable shoes might be the least of your problems. here is some pictures of the doctor dressed up. seems -- like a long way to go to persuade some one to choose a loafer over a high heel. maybe he needs an excuse to use that chico's gift certificate he got for his birthday. here with another customer. i think my mom's friend debbie has the jacket. wonder if he is wearing panties? think he went the whole way? i don't know what is going on with dr. oz. but i wanted him to know you don't need to make up an excuse to dress up like a woman. you do what you feel is right. we love dr. oz and will love dr. roz too. okay. apple unveiled not one but two you iphones, as close as america gets to having a royal baby. apple unveiling new iphones. they have the high end phone,

iphone 5 s -- the s stands for shut up and give us your money. it has a finger print scanner because the nsa doesn't have enough of our personal information now it has our fingerprints too. the app allows you to forget six months ago you spent $500 on a phone that is now obsolete. it comes in silver, gold and space gray. the gray one has a black face which isn't very politically correct. apple also used iphone 5 c. it's a less expensive plastic model. in lime green, white, yellow, red, bright blue. if you would just pass your old iphone off to the front. we'll collect them. we'll put them in a wood chipper or something. technophiles will be up all night looking at the phone, most will not tell the difference between the old

models and new models. to prove it we went on hollywood boulevard today. we handed people not even an iphone, an ipad mini and told them it was the new iphone. and asked them what they thought. and this is what they thought. >> have you heard the new iphone came out today? >> i did not know that. >> we have it. want to show it to you and how it compares to the old iphone? >> you know what, it looks really cool. i don't even know how to work it. but it seems intense and fun. >> graphics probably look a little better, clearer, screen. >> really slim. >> lighter than the old one? >> lighter than the old one. >> looks like it is a lot smaller. and it is -- really cool. >> yeah, i think it looks much sleeker. it's much lighter. smaller. i think it looks easy to handle. >> sounds good, right? >> yeah, okay. >> that's good. that's good. really fantastic. thank you.

>> it is cool. it is different. totally different. i have never seen one like this before. >> they have the new black color in support of nelson mandela. >> are you serious? that would definitely not make me buy it. >> no? >> no. >> if this is true you are making this black for nelson mandela, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. that's a disgrace. let's get beyond the color. do better. do better. >> there's also a click it and lick it. if you click the bottom circle you can lick it and also taste the flavor. >> so i just lick it? >> yeah. it comes in chocolate, vanilla, strawberry. >> i can't really taste it. i can taste it. ooh, that is so weird. it's cool. i like it. >> do you think fat kids are going to start eating iphones? >> no. >> no? >> no. >> it is a lot better. a lot faster. it looks better. i like the size -- because, you know?

>> how do you say it its faster? >> it is faster when it comes done to downloading, watching video streaming, anything on the internet. play games, pretty much anything. a lot faster than the older model. the new iphone is great. i will recommend for everybody to go get it. i love apple products. go get it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, yes. very supportive. we're going to take a break. when come back -- oh, this is big. we have got the very latest on justin bieber's new haircut. exciting stuff. and simon cowell, stacy keibler and music from gary clark jr. so stay right there.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. simon cowell, stacy keibler and gary clark jr. i promise you we did not make this up, a young kid was digging through his mom's sock drawer and happened upon something that definitely wasn't socks. [ laughter ] >> give me that now. give me it. come on! it's not funny. give me that.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: i love that the father's first instinct was to grab his phone and videotape the action. dad, do i have mommy's wiffle bat buzzing? he probably realizes as long as that is there he will never have a brother or sister. justin bieber was spotted at new york fashion week. and created some fashion excitement of his own. because justin bieber is back to his old hair cut. the old helmet is back. although that mustache is still waiting to come in. maybe one of his eyebrows could donate some hair to his lip. obviously this is an extremely important story. i for one will not be able to sleep until we get all the deets, short for details on it. for a look at this and more

in-depth let's go live to our entertainment correspondent, guillermo on the set of his brand new entertainment show "mucho." ♪ mucho, mucho >> announcer: today on "mucho" why is leonardo dicaprio wearing a hat? is bradley cooper in a mini coop cooper? breaking babies is jessica simpson pregnant again? and whose arm is this? plus an emotional nervous breakdown with stacy keibler. >> a-choo! achoo. >> announcer: is she dying? what's up with justin bieber's 'do? do you want to know? all this and mucho mas. tonight on "mucho." we are live from the hollywood center, the mall. >> guillermo: hi, everyone. welcome to "mucho" here at the mall. i'm guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: lots of exciting

things happening in hollywood today. but before we get to that, jimmy kimmel, how are you? >> jimmy: i'm okay. >> guillermo: you hear it first on "mucho" -- jimmy kimmel is okay. ♪ mucho >> announcer: jimmy kimmel is okay. >> jimmy: i'm okay. ♪ mucho hold on, how is that even a story, guillermo? >> guillermo: everything is a story including this. i have an exclusive one-on-one interview with stacy keibler. it's over there. >> exclusivo! >> guillermo: stacy keibler, is she hot or what? is that your real hair? >> yes. >> guillermo: can i smell it? >> what? >> announcer: mucho! >> guillermo: stacy keibler's

hair is real, text 1, yes, it's the real deal. text 2 to say no she is wigging out. speaking of celebrity with hair. justin bieber is trying to grow a mustache. he does not look like a baby-baby anymore. with more on that, it's me, guillermo. >> mustache watch 2013. >> look. it's so little. i think it looks like a girl. >> mucho! [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: to borrow justin bieber's mustache is good -- 1, yes, this mustache is good. or text 2, say no purity. that's it for now. tune in next time for my ultimate list of who is getting divorced and who is having sex. it is going to be disgusting! until next time, i am guillermo, and this is "mucho"! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i think we have a lot

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, yes. welcome back. tonight on the program, you have seen her dance, maybe seen her wrestle. she is now the host of "supermarket superstar." stacy keibler is here with us. and the new album, called "blak and blu" very gifted when it comes to music, gary clark jr. is here. tomorrow night, david spade will be here, tim gunn with us, music from preservation hall. a jazz band. on thursday, jake gyllenhaal and music from the weekend. join us from those shows. our first guest is the talent show judge by which all others are measured. we must never forget how much

joy his cruelty has brought us. season three of his show, "the x factor," premieres at 8:00 tomorrow night on fox. please say hello to simon cowell. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i want to say congratulations. everyone has said to you, i don't know what the details exactly are, but i understand you got paula abdul pregnant, is that correct? >> no. we kept that one out of the papers. >> jimmy: do you think you're ready for fatherhood? >> with paula? >> jimmy: with anyone. >> without, paula, yes. that wouldn't have been a great idea. >> jimmy: have you raised anything before? have you -- >> a few kids dotted around, jimmy. >> jimmy: there are some kids insulting their school mates somewhere? >> a few rumors. yeah.

this is the first official one. >> jimmy: have you thought, sat down, and thought what did my parents do to create this vicious monster that sits before us all on television? >> yeah, they had sex. that's how you do it. >> jimmy: i mean after that. that made you the man that you are. a critic, a very frank individual. >> i was a brat when i grew up to be honest. >> jimmy: did they discipline you? >> i was talking to somebody, my dad would never ever discipline me. he would pretend to my mom. he'd take me into the study. he would say whatever. i would come out. i said mom he gave me a hard time. so he was probably the reason why i am so obnoxious. >> jimmy: are you going to do that, too, be the good guy. >> definitely, yeah. i am really bad at discipline. >> jimmy: will you change diapers? >> no. no. did you? >> jimmy: yeah, sure i did. yeah. >> how many times? >> jimmy: i change guillermo's diapers all the time here. how many times? a lot of times.

yeah, no. i didn't like it. >> i wouldn't like it. anything below here. >> jimmy: will you wake up in the middle of the night or early with the baby? >> you are asking me all these weird questions. >> jimmy: these are not weird questions. >> you have to do that? >> jimmy: you might not have to. >> don't you pay people to do that. >> jimmy: yeah, you probably will. >> i probably will. >> jimmy: you should ship the kid off to some family some where. >> i will do it. i was brought up by nannies. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i didn't recognize my mom until i was 3 or 4. >> jimmy: super nannies? >> british nannies. >> jimmy: with the umbrella and everything? >> no, not the umbrellas or anything. two or three of them. >> jimmy: i didn't realize. was your family wealthy? >> sort of mid. they just didn't want to look after me. >> jimmy: at some point will you tell your child, and i don't know if you're having a boy or girl, do you know if you are having a boy or girl? >> uh-huh.

>> jimmy: will you tell your child you are very, very wealthy. and there is really no need for you to work in the future. but i would like you to learn to read anyway. will you let them know that that they're multi, multimillionaires? >> jimmy, this is terrible. >> jimmy: things you need to think about. these are important things all. >> i don't think you should leave that much money to your kids. >> jimmy: you don't? >> i tell you what. when i was younger, i was taught that we had to earn our own money. at 7, 8, i would cut lawns, i washed cars. i kind of learned how to make money. and i loved it. >> jimmy: how much money do you think you will leave to the kids? >> i am not sure of a number. >> jimmy: you should come up with a number. not giving them a lot of money is a good way to keep them from having incentive to kill you. >> you are in a very dark place tonight, you know that, jimmy. really dark place.

>> jimmy: i think about these things. >> i mean, everything i was looking forward to now i am going to give birth to a psychopath who is going to want to kill me. >> jimmy: your parents did, why not. >> i gave you that one. >> jimmy: an "x factor" musical in london. an interesting thing. are you producing the x factor musical? >> yes. >> jimmy: you hired an actor to play you? >> yes. >> jimmy: in a way you have come up with a spare of yourself. that's the guy. >> do you think he looks like me? >> i don't think. once he's got the wig on. >> jimmy: why is he doing that with his face? >> a very good question. >> jimmy: tell him to stop doing that. >> i haven't seen the picture. >> jimmy: will he have the haircut. tight t-shirt. same as you. will he sing? >> yeah. yes.

his lead song is called "i'm fabulous." it is. kind of a frank sinatra. true story. >> jimmy: what a nightmare for the people who wrote the musical to know of all the people they're writing it for it's you. >> yeah, yeah. i had to go to what's called a workshop. that's the time we had to decide whether we would invest in it or not. i thought it was going to be absolutely dreadful. got a seat by the exit. actually it was really, really funny. i mean -- >> jimmy: they did the whole thing? >> yeah. i got annihilated. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you're okay with that? >> yeah. >> jimmy: when we come back we'll talk about your show "the x factor" third season. he has all-female judging panel. >> yep. >> jimmy: be careful. you can't get these women pregnant. you have to be really, really careful. simon cowell is here. we'll be right back. >> announcer: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" is brought to you by -- ladies and gentlemen... toyota corolla!

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good luck. ♪ i want you to make me feel like i'm the only one that you ever loved ♪ whoo! >> what were you doing with the telephone? >> i was seeing the lyrics of the song. >> could you actually read them? >> jimmy: that is "the x factor" season three. tomorrow night on fox. >> that was one of the better singers.

>> jimmy: one of the better ones? >> yeah, not the finalists. >> jimmy: you think you would know by now watching you on these shows that you should at least know the lyrics to the song that you are singing, not that you surprised her in the middle of the night and asked her to sing it. >> she had the phone still couldn't read them. >> jimmy: you think some come wanting to get knocked off the show? >> i would look to think so. no, more horrific singers turn up this year than any other year. have you not watched the show before? >> jimmy: what happened to the khloe kardashian. she was the host of the show. you came to me. i said that was a mistake and i was correct, yes? >> i liked her. i don't think the audience accepted a kardashian as a host. >> jimmy: why do you think that was? >> no idea. >> jimmy: i think you do have an idea. i don't think we have to explain. >> i like her. she is a nice girl. >> jimmy: i want to do something fun. you go on google and put in a phrase. google will finish the phrase for you.

i thought it might be fun to do with it you and type in -- does simon cowell -- oops, sorry, i spelled your name wrong. >> c-o-w-e-l-l. >> does simon sing? you do not sing? >> i do on the show this year. >> jimmy: really? really? >> yep. episode two. >> jimmy: what song do you sing? does simon cowell have kids? we know that. does simon cowell smoke? >> yep. >> does simon cowell manage one direction? >> signed to my record label. >> does simon cowell own a yacht? >> no. >> jimmy: does simon cowell wear a hair piece? >> don't be ridiculous. >> jimmy: what is going on with your hair? who's wrong with that? >> actually looks like yours now. >> jimmy: no it is not. >> since i met you. it has developed into my hair style. >> jimmy: eventually.

you know how you are, you give people criticisms, sometimes they're harsh, but they're honest and you are trying to help them. we need to work on the hair. enough with the t-shirts now. >> why? >> jimmy: we are seeing too much nipple. >> it's freezing, bloody cold. >> jimmy: i know it's cold in here. >> nobody warned me. my nipples have gone hard. it's got nothing to do with the t-shirt. >> jimmy: his nipples have gone hard, folks. simon cowell, watch him on "the x factor" and season three starts tomorrow night on fox. we'll be right back with stacy keibler. >> announcer: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" is brought to you by -- [ male announcer ] only the best make applebee's famous 2 for $20 menu.

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♪ >> jimmy: still to come, gary clark, jr. our next guest is so stat

youesque, it's hard to believe she is related to those elves. her new show is called "supermarket superstar." please welcome stacy keibler. so good to see you. i'm glad to see you made it out of burning man. you tweeted you were at burning man. >> yes. >> jimmy: i'm fascinated by the whole thing. >> you'll have fun there. >> jimmy: i don't think i would. it's the middle of the desert. >> yes. >> jimmy: you're living where? >> i was in an rv. so i had a shower. but some people camp in a tent. >> jimmy: i would need to shower a lot. especially if i was in the rv with you. >> yes. >> jimmy: you shower twice a day. sleep during the day? >> yes. >> jimmy: find any peyote? >> i didn't find any.

>> jimmy: you tweeted some photographs. the statue you're in front of -- how tall is that statue? >> i'm not sure exactly. but it's huge. because i'm pretty far away from it actually. >> jimmy: it's really big i'm told. >> people spend all year working on the art installations. what happened here, i thought it picture. cool to tick -- take a and my friend said hold your breath, close your eyes, a dust storm is coming. which you have to prepare for. you have to bring googles. >> jimmy: sounds really great. >> you'll love it. >> jimmy: is this something you pack? >> yes. it's extremely hot. extremely cold. >> jimmy: so -- it gets cold too? >> it gets freezing. you have to be prepared for everything. >> jimmy: this sounds like the worst place in the world. >> you learn a lot about yourself when you're there. >> jimmy: what did you learn while there? >> i learned that i could do it all. >> jimmy: and there's another celebrity attendee and that is diddy.

[ laughter ] who learned what about himself? >> you know what, we both said to each other, it was life changing. >> jimmy: usually he has a guy hold his umbrella for him? >> he was holding his own there. >> jimmy: now he's holding his own umbrella? >> there's no tables -- >> jimmy: coordinating with the scarf. is this guy with him or a coincidence? >> i'm not sure. >> jimmy: part of diddy's group there? what's the weirdest thing you saw at burning man? >> there's everything for everyone at any time. it's self-expression. at one point, you know, because everything is to the sunrise and to the sunset, there's no money or time or no schedule. it's a really -- it's the closest thing to being on another planet. because you don't have a phone. you don't have the things that we're consumed with. >> jimmy: oh, no phone signal out there.

>> i wound up seeing everyone, but you can't text them. let's meet there. but at one point i remember being -- we were listening to the deejay that was playing and all of a sudden a couch rolled in that was huge. it was so big. as big as all you have out there. it said big "s" couch on it. we run over and i couldn't jump on the couch it was so big. i had to go back and run again. all your friends are jumping on i. we're like, where do these people think of this stuff? >> jimmy: you know that didn't happen. that was a hallucination. >> maybe it was. >> jimmy: you're probably jumping on some guy. >> i tried to find the pictures. wait, i can't find the pictures. >> jimmy: you became well known through wrestling originally. how did you get involved in wrestling in the first place? >> i did a dance contest. the nature girls were professional dancers on the commercial breaks. luckily, i won this contest, but then a month later the producer

is like we'd like you to be a character. so i really didn't dance with the girls for too long. >> jimmy: you became like a ma >> i became a manager. i had to sort of learn how to wrestle on national television in front of a live audience. >> jimmy: why did they want you to fight? i guess it's wrestling. >> i guess, yeah. they sent me to wrestling school but i had to learn on the show live and then go to the wrestling school on my two days off. so it kind of -- >> jimmy: did they give you a crazy back story? >> my first character was named miss hancock, i had a suit, glasses and a clipboard, because i was standards and practices and i would take notes. >> jimmy: and then the wrestling community is okay with you -- you're no longer miss hancock, you're stacy keibler? >> well, wcw is where i started. vince mcmahon bought the wcw.

i started my career as stacy keibler. >> jimmy: your own name, yes? that is weird. i see why burning man didn't seem that unusual to you. >> no. i am a free spirit. >> jimmy: what is the show you are doing? tell us about the show. tell us the idea behind it? >> we are basically fulfilling dreams. looking for the next chef boyardee or orville redenbacker. it's called "supermarket superstar." >> jimmy: you're looking for the next terrible chef? >> we're looking for the next best product to put on supermarket shelves. >> jimmy: they would be in the supermarket. what do they make for you? >> we have everything. barbecue sauce. international foods. deserts. baked goods. every aisle of the supermarket. people come out. pitch their recipe ideas. they get mentored by our panel of experts. basically some one wins the nationwide launch of their product on the supermarket shelves. everyone out there have recipes passed down generation to generation. you are a foodie. you're an amazing chef.

>> jimmy: i would have an idea for the aisle that has can openers and overpriced like metal plates and that sort of thing. i didn't have any products that i can make. >> yes you do. you could make a good soup or sauce. >> jimmy: you know what would be a fun thing to do, have simon cowell come in and have him walk in frozen food section, we can all see his nipples. >> it is really cold in here. i have to agree. >> jimmy: not quite cold enough. good to see you. "supermarket superstar." sorry. airs thursday night at 10:30 on lifetime. stacy keibler, everyone. we'll be right back with gary clark jr. >> after the show on monday don't miss the "jimmy kimmel live" stream with off-air concerts from paul mccartney. go to myspace right afterwards to see it all. brought you by guinness, more character. made of more.

the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony. >> jimmy: his album is called "blak and blu." here with the song, "when my train pulls in" here is gary clark jr.! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ every day nothing seems to change ♪

♪ everywhere i go i keep seeing the same ol' thing ♪ ♪ and i and i can't take it no more ♪ ♪ i would leave this town but i i ain't got nowhere else to go ♪ ♪ no ♪ well i'm ready now ♪ i'll be ready when the train pulls in ♪ ♪ well i will be ready now ♪ i'll be ready when the train pulls in ♪ ♪ i know my time ain't long around here and i can't live this life again ♪

noth ♪ ♪ ♪ walking down the street you might run across a smiling face ♪ ♪ but they'll stab you in the back as soon as you turn and walk away ♪ ♪ and i oh lord it's bringing me down ♪ ♪ if things don't change around here ain't no use of my hanging around ♪

♪ hanging around no ♪ well i'll be ready now i'll be ready when my train pulls in ♪ ♪ well i'll be ready now i'll be ready when my train pulls in ♪ ♪ i know my time ain't long around here and i can't live this life again ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> gary clark jr., "blak and blu is out now. you can find it on jimmykimmel.com. i want to thank simon cowell, stacy keibler. apologies to matt damon.

tomorrow night, tim gunn and music from preservation jazz band. thank you for watching. "nightline" is next. good night. tonight on "nightline" -- tanned, toned and tough. by day, they're dentists and sales women and moms. at night they're the feisty

female football players bringing crowds to stadiums for more than their tackles, but that doesn't come without risk. this rising music star on the verge of striking it big. but he was haunted by his past. until he decided to come clean. what made you go back to the station? tonight, an incredible story of crime and punishment. and step inside hollywood. grand theft auto 5 is out. it's causing millions to stay glued to the couch and parents too worried. if you thought sex sells, wait until you hear about blood, sex and war. >> keep it right here, america.