>> keep laughing. keep laughing. k-keep laughing! >> curtis! >> don't laugh. it ain't nothing funny. >> what is going on? >> pops got a speeding ticket going 80 miles an hour. then -- then he ran a red light and went the wrong way down a one-way street. >> curtis, how do you get a speeding ticket on your way to a fire? >> oh, no, no, no. he wasn't on his way to a fire. he was going to buy some doughnuts. [ chuckles ] >> them cops was mad that i got there before they did. >> oh, baby, you deserve this ticket. ought to be ashamed of yourself. >> no, he ought to be ashamed of himself. do you know while that cop was writing me a ticket, his partner was taking all the doughnuts with the sprinkles on it? that's my favorite one with the sprinkles. everybody know that. >> pops, he was doing his job. >> no, he wasn't doing his job. that ain't his job, taking sprinkled doughnuts. >> curtis, calm down, baby.

>> that's easy for you to say, ella. you ain't the one that's got to take online traffic school. >> pop, you don't have to do it. you can just pay the ticket. >> and you can just get out. how about that? i'm telling you, calvin, it seem like they would extend a little professional courtesy to a fireman. >> hey, baby, they probably would if you were speeding for professional reasons. >> yeah, and a bear claw ain't one of 'em. >> i got your bear claw. >> calvin! curtis! whoa, baby! oh, ho-ho-ho!

welcome to chili's. try chili's triple dipper dinner. oose your three dippable favorites, like our chicken crisper bites, big mouth bites, and classic southwestern egg rolls. nine craveable options to choose from. build your perfect meal, only $9.99. vegetables are naturally low in calories. v8 juice gives you 3 of your 5 daily servings. it's a tasty, nutritious way to make this number go up... and help this one go down. v8. what's your number? >> to complete online traffic school, please answer the following questions for identity verification. what is your favorite color? >> that's easy. that's easy. blue.

>> what is your favorite food? >> uh, that's easy -- pork chops and mac and cheese and collard greens and catfish fried hard. >> please list only one food item. >> [ sighs ] they make me waste all my strength trying to type. okay. pork chops -- just pork chops. >> what is your weight? >> what that got to do with the test? >> i see why. what is the name of your childhood pet? >> oh. stinky. >> identity verification completed. >> it's almost like he here. >> what are you doing? >> i'm doing something you ought to try sometime.

it's called minding your business. >> press enter to begin. >> oh, online traffic school. i never got tickets because i have cleavage. well, you do, too, but i guess it's not the same. >> you may now proceed with online traffic school. >> okay. >> if you're nice, i'll give you a tip on how to pass the class. >> this is about as nice as i'm gonna be with you in the room, all right? >> ok, fine. i'll tell you anyway. the answer to the questions is always "c." >> that's ridiculous. >> when approaching a stop sign, a driver should "a," continue through the intersection... >> mnh-mnh. that ain't it. >> ..."b," merge to the right, allowing other vehicles to pass, or "c," stop. >> "c." >> correct. >> i told you so. >> that's just one question. >> when making a 3-point turn, you should "a," stop the car suddenly, "b," skid on a pool of water, or "c," turn the car in three distinct directions.

>> ok. "c." >> correct. >> think you know everything. >> just about. ella! >> hmm? >> i'm running to the store to play the lottery. you want to ride with me? >> no, i don't play the lottery and neither should you. >> well, normally i don't, but i had a dream while taking my beauty nap. >> beauty nap? yeah, you need to have another one 'cause the first one didn't take. >> anyway, i dreamt that i was sitting on my daddy's porch, and my husband's car drove by with three midgets strapped to the hood. >> what does that have to do with playing the lottery? >> well, my daddy's address is 1728. hubert's birthday is 5/16/40. and according to my dream book, three midgets are a sign of completion. >> okay. >> don't you see, ella? my dream is telling me to play 17, 28, 5, 16, 40, and 3 in

tonight's lottery. >> okay, go ahead. but i am not riding to the store with you so you can play the lottery. it is a waste of time and my money. >> no, it's not. curtis, don't you play the lottery sometimes? >> don't you see i'm trying to take a test, claretha? >> i've seen him. 4 to win, 5 to scratch off. >> okay, claretha, don't play the lottery today. let's go and get pedicures. pedicures are way more fun than standing in the line, paying your money for the lottery. >> i don't know, ella. my dream book is telling me that three midgets should not be ignored. >> claretha. >> well, i could use a good foot massage. >> [ giggles ] >> okay. >> then that settles it. >> hey, ella, you might want to stop at the hardware store, baby. >> why? >> some eye goggles -- after they get to chipping off of claretha's feet, you gonna need to protect your eyes. [ laughs ]

>> what should a driver do when -- >> "c." >> correct. when a pedestrian -- >> "c." >> correct. when approaching a flashing -- >> "c." >> correct. sir, would you please allow me to finish the question before answering? >> oh, i'm -- i'm -- i'm sorry. repeat the question, please. >> when approaching a flashing -- >> "c." >> correct. >> [ laughs ] >> congratulations. you've just completed section one of your online exam. >> what the hell? section one? how many sections you got, man? i need an energy drink. >> curtis payne has initiated a pause. program is paused. to resume testing, press the enter key.

welcome back, curtis payne. you may now begin section two. >> pop? >> what? i'm making a smoothie. >> uh... >> to verify identity, please enter your favorite color. >> oh, that's easy. blue. >> correct. what is your favorite food? >> pork chops, macaroni and cheese... >> please list only one food item. >> pork chops. >> correct. what is the name of your childhood pet? >> oh. i know this one. uh...it's something with an -- with an odor. smelly, funky, musty. tart. pops! pops! >> what? i'm coming! what?

>> um, what's the name of that stinky dog that you had when you were a kid? >> you have 5 seconds, 4, 3, 2 -- >> tart. >> stinky. >> incorrect. identity fraud detected. curtis payne must report in person to verify identity and complete exam. >> oh, my god. oh, my god. >> we can start over. >> oh, my god. oh, my god. oh, my god. >> what you doing? >> yaaaah! i'll kill you! i'll kill you! >> whoo. claretha, you think curtis is gonna like my feet? >> oh, girl, once he sees that fire-engine red nail polish, he is not gonna be able to keep his hands off you... unfortunately. >> well, it's 7:00. let me get dinner ready. >> 7:00? can i check the lottery numbers? >> go ahead.

>> and tonight's winning numbers for the $1 million jackpot are -- 17, 28, 5... >> come on. come on. come on. >> ...16, 40, and 3. >> aah! ella! ella, i won! i'm a millionaire! i hit the lotto. i hit the lotto. uh-huh. i'm rich. i'm rich. i'm rich. >> babe. honey. honey. honey. >> yeah. yeah. >> you got to play the lottery before you can win the lottery, right? >> oh, no. i didn't play. why did i listen to you? i listened to the wrong midget. - ( music playing ) - a work of art. a finely-tuned machine.

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>> pops, i'm telling you, your dog's name was tart. >> wait a minute. wait a minute. wait a minute. how you gonna tell me what my dog's name was? i know what my dog -- it was my dog, named after my uncle stinky. and don't ask. >> why do i have to be here anyway? i didn't get a ticket. >> yeah, well, you're the reason why i'm here. that's why i failed 'cause of you, so sit down. stop talking in class. >> oh, so sorry that i'm late, class. i was practicing with my reggae band. we've got the keys to the dreadlocks. [ laughs ]

>> oh, my god. >> chief payne! o.m.g! i was telling my girlfriend how much i missed you. >> girlfriend? >> oh, yes. i must be dreaming. pinch me. no, seriously. come on, pinch me. >> no. >> hey, calvin, you do the honors. >> no. i'm cool. >> okay. class, i am walter. welcome to comedy traffic school, where we tickle your tickets away. [ chuckles ] say that five times fast. >> all: tickle our tickets -- >> uh-uh-uh! i didn't say "simon says." [ laughs ] [ laughing ] simon says. [ sighs ] i thought it was funny. >> walter, what are you doing teaching this class? >> i thought you were supposed to be an anger management/relationship coach. >> i have many hats. let me show you some. okay, i have cowboy hats. woo-hoo! giddyup, partner! party hats. surprise! and beanies. shaba!

[ imitates reggae music ] >> okay, this is gonna be a long class. all right, let's jump right in, shall we? everyone, i want you to decide for yourself -- what do i want to get out of this class? >> ooh! ooh! i know. i know. >> yes. >> i want to just get out of this class. [ laughter ] >> all right, just leave the comedy to me, mr. funny pants, okay? now, today, i want you to imagine, visualize, the type of vehicle that you are in. chief payne, i see you in a candy-apple-red fire truck. >> i don't want to be a fire truck. that's the reason i'm here. >> ooh. a big, bright-yellow dump truck. >> why i got to be a dump truck? >> because you're big and strong, and, you know, you carry a lot of weight. calvin... >> i'm a sports car! >> hmm...not sensing that.

i'm seeing you on a scooter -- powder blue. wonderful. okay, before we start, remember, let's lock your doors, fasten our seat belts. before we pull into traffic, we need to make sure we use our side-view mirror and remember objects may be closer than they actually appear. >> you know, he's actually stranger than he appears. [ laughter ] >> chief payne, focus. >> hey, this is pretty fun. >> yes, it is fun, okay? so, here we go. we're rolling along. we're rolling along. ooh, who do i see there? it's mr. postman. hi, mr. postman. >> what's up, tyrell! what's happening, dawg? i thought you was off. no, you didn't quit? >> hey, let's merge onto the highway. how about it? vroom, vroom, vroooommmm. >> this is ridiculous! i'm s-- i got to get out of here. i got to get out of here. >> no, no, chief payne. chief payne, don't let go of the

wheel. stop! you'll kill yourself! >> if i got to die to get out this class, let me die! >> no, chief payne, i'll save you! [ imitates slow motion ] [ imitates impact thud ] [ imitates air bag ] >> walter, what are you doing? >> i'm your personal air bag, and i just deployed, saving your life. thank me later. >> [ imitates air bag ] >> hey, ree-ree! i'm so glad you came over to see me. i made you some coffee. >> oh, look, a coupon for waffle world. oh, but if i had $1 million, i wouldn't need a coupon. >> you know what?

i would still use my coupon. coffeecake. >> oh, a baby-blue convertible. i was going to buy a convertible before my $1 million went "poof." >> a convertible? convertibles are so overrated, and you wear wigs. and your wig would just be flying down the highway. we don't want that. [ laughs ] >> oh, looky there. oprah and gayle. i used to have a good friend just like that. but then she cost me $1 million. >> claretha, how many ways can i say i am sorry? >> [ gasps ] a diamond-encrusted mobile with walkie-talkie chirp and gps. ooh, if i had that, i could locate my real friends.

>> okay, listen. claretha, what you're not gonna do is eat my food, drink my drink, and come up in my house and ignore me. >> ella, you don't understand. this was the big one. my number came up, and i lost because i listened to you. >> okay, fine! i'm sorry. i said i was wrong. if it'll make you feel any better, i'll just turn my back and let calvin buy you another lottery ticket. >> the only way that would work is if you let calvin buy me one million lottery tickets and they all hit at the same time. fat chance of that happening. >> and so we have learned that a pedestrian has the right-of-way, even if they don't walk right away, and some of us learned that the hard way, didn't we? how is your mother, by the way? fantastic. great. see? isn't learning fun? >> uh, excuse me. >> yes. >> can we have a break from all this fun? >> that's a great idea.

let's break dance. everybody! [ imitates break-dance music ] whoo! come on, come on. bust a move. bust a move. woop, woop! come on, spin me, chief, spin me. ooh. okay, 10 minutes. >> pops, i'm out of here. this is torture. >> try to leave. i dare you. you won't get far with my foot in your butt. >> come on, pops. i'm a grown man. >> and you'll be a grown man with a foot in your butt. [ laughter ] >> ha! ha! ha! >> you know, you two guys are ten times funnier than the teacher is, really. >> that's because he's the queen of no comedy. [ laughter ] >> see, that's what i'm talking about. you two ought to be teaching this class. >> oh, yeah. you know what? we could kick the queen of no comedy out. >> no. we can't do that. >> yes, we can. i think we can do it. we got the people behind us. what do the people say? >> all: yeah! >> get the door. get the door.

>> but, wait! what's going on in there? >> we're doing something you don't know nothing about -- comedy! >> open this door. i'm -- i'm gonna -- >> what -- call your girlfriend? >> yes, and she won't be happy about this. >> everybody, we're gonna play a new game, and this game is called, "hit that fool." now, let's say -- let's say -- let's say you got somebody, and they're walking all slow across the street, and you get five points if you... >> hit that fool. >> yes! and you get 50 points if you get a thug with pink rollers in his hair, 50 points if you... >> hit that fool. >> yeah! and you get 100 points if you got somebody on a cellphone holding up traffic, 100 points if you... >> hit that fool. >> oh, y'all don't help me in here today. [ laughs ] hey, you get 1,000 points if we open up this door and y'all let that ugly man right there, let him have it. get your papers out. get your books. get your bibles -- whatever you got. >> open the door.

>> 1,000 points if you... >> hit that fool! >> hit that fool! >> no! [ laughter ] >> bam! y'all have passed your class. >> here you go, claretha. i hope you enjoy this one more than that one. >> oh, it won't do. >> you haven't even tasted it. >> too many bubbles. ooh! my, it's hot in here. i said, it's hot in here. >> seriously, claretha, you have got to just get over it. >> well, can you at least hand me the remote? >> get it yourself. i am through catering to you, okay? i am sorry that you did not win $1 million, but i don't know what else to do to convince you of that. >> well, you could try saying it 999,000 more times. >> this just in -- last night's $1 million dollar jackpot will be awarded to half a million

winners. each winner will receive a mere $2. >> [ laughing ] okay, each winner. i got that. [ laughs ] there you are. you are a winner! now, get your feet off my couch. >> okay, okay. you're right. playing the lottery is a gamble. >> yes, it is, and in our tax bracket, we can't afford to be just wasting money. >> speak for your own tax bracket. i'm a businesswoman. anyway, can't a girl dream? >> sure you can. dreaming is free. >> you're right. but friendship costs.