>> what did you say? you're black and you're proud! >> okay, so it's a little loud. it just means the pipes are old. >> the pipes must match the rest of this place. >> all right, listen, guys. i know that things around here aren't that perfect. >> ha! >> but it's like uncle curtis says, "sometimes a little struggle builds character." >> well, we have more character than a cartoon. >> hey, how about we call aunt ella and uncle curtis and invite them over for dinner? >> that's a good idea. >> well, what do you guys want for dinner? >> well, i want uncle curtis' barbecue. >> and auntie ella's potato salad. >> at their house.

>> ella! ella! ella! ella! ella! ella! ella! ella! >> what, curtis? >> baby, the place is so empty,

i can hear an echo. try it. try it, baby. we're all alone, alone, alone. >> stop being silly. >> i'm not being silly. i'm being happy! look around, baby. what do you see? >> nothing. >> exactly! no c.j., no kids. and you know what that means. that means i can run around the house naked, naked, naked. [ laughs ] only if the curtains are closed, closed, closed. >> hey, let's celebrate. let's celebrate. [ slow-tempo music plays ] >> [ chuckles ] >> ooh, that's what i'm saying. can you believe it? can you believe it? [ telephone ringing ] >> wait, baby. the phone is ringing. please, let me just get it. >> wait, no. we're dancing. while we're dancing, no answering the phone. that's curtis law.

>> ok, baby, it could be an emergency. let's just -- okay check the caller i.d., see who it is. >> who do you think it is? it's c.j. >> it could be an emergency. >> emergency for what? what was the emergency when he called an hour ago? >> well, curtis, he just wanted to know how much sugar goes in sweet tea. >> what was the emergency when he called before that? >> he wanted to know how much time it takes to make minute rice. >> exactly. no emergency. look, it stopped anyway. >> baby, just get me the milk, please. i'm gonna do this. >> no. >> what do you mean "no"? >> no. i'm taking you out to dinner. >> curtis, i have already started preparing dinner. >> well, then already start putting it back up. let somebody else cook for you for a change. >> curtis payne, you are taking me where? out to dinner? >> yes, ma'am. >> baby, if i had known you were gonna act like this, i would've put those squatters out of here a long time ago. >> that's what i'm talking about, baby! [ telephone ringing ] >> wait. honey, it's c.j. again.

holla! >> that's my baby! holla. >> okay, this is great. our first meal in our new place. yes. i'm excited. >> i guess that we're not going to auntie ella's and uncle curtis' house for dinner. >> no, baby. they're not home. they're not home. >> "they're not home"? they're never not home. maybe they're on their way over here. >> no, they're not on their way over here 'cause it's too dangerous for them to come here at night. >> then what are we doing here? >> building character. [ chuckles ] >> right, dad. >> uh, hey, dad...what's this? >> i thought you were making spaghetti. >> this is spaghetti. the kind aunt ella makes. >> well, hers is red. >> and has actual noodles. >> what is this green stuff? >> baby, that's vegetables. i just added some vegetables in there. >> in some spaghetti? does that sound natural?

>> okay, so i added a little twist to aunt ella's recipe. this is perfectly fine. look. i'll show you. it's perfectly fine. it just needs a little something. >> it needs a little throw out the window. >> oh, man! the garlic bread is burning! >> dad, you should've stuck to auntie ella's recipe. >> for what? for garlic bread? >> no. for food. [ knock on door ] >> who is it? >> it's calvin, man. open up. >> big cal. >> oh, me no likey. who wants chinese? >> ooh, i do! i do! >> i can't believe you all want chinese food after i slaved over that stove all day. is that egg foo young i smell? >> yup. my boy pookie got a new job at laquisha chan's orange chicken

and waffles. >> cousin calvin, you got the hook up. >> yeah, you buy one can of red soda, you get a meal for free. >> hey, let me get some of that. >> how you all doing? >> man, what you, washing windows? >> no, i'm chillin', baby. i'm tyrone. i just came around to introduce myself and all. is that your blue car parked in space number eight? >> no. no, i drive an s.u.v. >> you mean the one with the tinted windows and the six disc cd changer? >> yeah. >> just make sure you lock your door, dude. we get a lot of break-ins around here. >> that's why i parked three blocks away and walked. >> i did see that. nice rims. >> okay. well, i appreciate it. >> no problem, man. very nice to meet you. see you all. >> well, at least you got nice neighbors. he didn't have to do that. >> true. >> whew! thank you, thank you, thank you, curtis!

>> that was fun, wasn't it? >> i'm full. >> me, too. hey, hey, how did that waiter gonna get mad at me like that? >> because, curtis, the man's name is jesus, but you said, "hey, zeus! come here!" he thought you were mocking him. >> i was. [ laughter ] hey, he didn't have to go get mad when i got a doggy bag. >> baby, what do you expect? you have one french fry in there. that's it. >> i was full. i couldn't finish it. >> well, just don't ask for any of my leftovers later. >> i don't have to ask. i'll just take it. >> try. >> 'cause what's yours is mine. >> curtis, okay, baby. come on. all right, i'm tired. [ telephone rings ] >> you just ran the sofa length. >> get the phone. get the phone. >> curtis. who is it? >> who do you think it is? >> c.j.? >> yes.

>> let it go to voicemail. >> oh, i'm gonna let it go to voicemail, all right. hello, you have reached the payne residence. sorry we can't come to the phone right now, but me and your auntie running around the house butt naked -- >> curtis! >> shut up, ella. if this is c.j. payne, you're being a pain in the ass. >> curtis! >> please do not call back. >> both: beep! >> okay. [ laughter ] >> okay, curtis, i don't want it. i don't want it! >> i'm full, too. >> babe, we used to do this when we first got married. we've gotten too old for that now. >> you're too old. i still got life. >> yeah. two minutes' worth. 2 minutes 17 seconds, remember?

>> 2 minutes and 18 seconds. >> that was yesterday. >> my pressure was up. >> that's the only thing that was up. who are you calling? >> hello, is beverly there? >> ask her. >> how long was it? >> ask her. >> when i was with you yesterday, how long was it? >> one minute. beverly? hello? bill? >> he told me his name was beverly. [ laughs ] >> why do you keep calling them? >> to see if they miss me. >> probably not as much as you miss them. >> i don't miss them.

i love my new place. it's mine and... i love it. >> what do the kids think? >> both: we hate it! >> hey, hey, i said go to bed! >> you mean go to cot! >> yes. anyway, aunt ella always picks up the phone, man. something must be wrong over there. i'm gonna go check and make sure everything is all right. do me a favor? watch the kids for me while i go check on them, all right? >> oh, cool. i'll just watch a little cable. >> we don't have cable. >> oh. sorry, i'm not available. >> calvin, come on, man. just watch the kids for me. [ cellphone rings ] >> hello? hey, what's up, girl? wait, hold on, baby. hello? my phone's breaking up. hold on, hold on. malik, malik. how does your dad get reception in here? >> his phone isn't prepaid.

>> hold on. hello? can you hear me now? hold on. how about now? aagh! malik, i'm gonna take this call on the roof. i'll be right back. >> you want to borrow my bulletproof vest? >> no, i'm straight. go to sleep. i'll be back in a little bit. hold on, baby, hold on. >> see ya. >> [ gasps ] aah!

>> you say one word, and i'll hurt both of you. >> please, just leave us alone. >> shut up and sit down!

>> my daddy will be back soon. >> no, he won't. i just saw your daddy leave in his s.u.v. >> what are you looking for? >> where does your dad keep his valuables at? >> we don't have any valuables. >> don't play with me, boy! where does he keep his money? >> we don't have any money, okay? >> there's got to be something around here somewhere. i guess i'll just take the tv. >> calvin, get him! get him! get him! >> what's going on? >> cousin calvin! >> what happened? >> that man just robbed us. >> are you okay? i'm sorry. look, i'm sorry i left you. big dog. i'm sorry!

>> hello, big boy. i've been waiting for you all day. >> come here, you little chickadee. >> [ laughs ] >> who's that? >> i don't know. just check and see who it is. >> they'll go away. >> okay. hello, big boy. [ knock on door ] >> hello? >> shh! be quiet. >> go check, babe. >> be quiet. >> i can see you. >> who is it? who is it? >> hey! let me in! >> no longer live here. the last family, they moved. >> uncle curtis, i can see you, man. >> they moved to the bahamas. >> give me this. it could be an emergency, baby. >> it ain't no emergency. baby, come on. we got the place all to ourselves.

>> i'm opening the door. hey. wait. we're gonna come out. >> i can't come in? >> not right now. not right now. >> well, i just came by -- what's with the feather? well, i came by to see if you guys were okay. >> we're fine. we're fine. okay, bye. >> how would i know 'cause you're not answering the phone. what's going on? >> we were out. >> we didn't hear it. >> which one? you were out or you didn't hear it? >> well, we were out. we didn't hear it. >> c.j., listen, baby. we've just been busy, really. >> busy doing what? >> been tappin' -- >> curtis! c.j., how is your new place? >> it's not that bad. >> he's lying. that place is a third-world country. >> well, i missed you guys, and i just wanted you to --

>> oh, how nice. curtis, yes. you missed us? >> yeah, i wanted you to come over. >> that's so nice of you. look, here's a picture of us. so whenever you want to see us, just look at that. >> uncle curtis. [ cellphone rings ] hey. yeah, calvin, what's up? what?! what happened to the kids? are they all right? all right, i'll be right there. >> something terrible happened. >> okay. what do you think? >> please. you know that's a lie. >> no, no, no. wait, wait, wait. he would not lie about the kids. >> he's trying to get us away from here so he can come in the house. >> not c.j. would you close the door, get your keys. come on, let's go. c.j.! >> you forgot your picture. >> so i got a call from my girl. we talk for free because we're on the same network, but i couldn't hear because of all this bad reception, so i went to the roof and --

>> can you just tell us from the beginning what happened. >> i don't know because i wasn't here. >> then why are we talking to you? >> i know what happened. we were sleeping and we heard some noises. [ door opens ] >> daddy! daddy! >> are you okay, jazzy? let me look at you. >> daddy, it was so scary. >> some dude came in and stole the tv. >> how did that happen if you were here? >> okay, i've got a description of the perpetrator from your son. we're going to do everything we can to recover the stolen items. but i wouldn't get my hopes up. this is a pretty crime-infested neighborhood and we're scared to come here. >> thanks, i think. >> calvin, you didn't answer my question. how did that happen? >> that's what i want to know. >> tell them, cousin calvin.

now's your time. >> i swear, ma, i couldn't have been gone for over two minutes. >> calvin, you left them here alone?! i trusted you, man. >> c.j., i'm sorry. >> c.j., if i had known that you were living like this, you never would've moved out. so you and these children are moving back in with us until you can find something better. >> better? baby, what are you talking about? ain't nothing wrong with this place. just needs a little paint. one bad apple. that's all it is. >> come on, children, let's go. [ gunfire ] >> aah! [ gunfire continues ] >> no, just close the window. just close the window. >> get down, you crazy woman! >> just close it. stop shooting! stop it! >> get down on the ground!

>> oh, my goodness. it's a real couch. >> central air. >> hey, stop breathing up my cool air! >> curtis, be nice. >> it's okay, auntie ella, if uncle curtis is a little grumpy. >> baaa! >> aah! >> a real tv. >> give me the remote. give me the remote. give me the remote. give me my remote. this is my remote for my real tv. as a matter of fact, you kids go back in the room so at least i can pretend like i still got my place to myself. >> uncle curtis, thanks for letting us come back, man. i appreciate it. >> no problem, c.j. >> excuse me. do not talk for me. as matter of fact, you go find c.j.'s tv. >> all right. i'll check with peanut. i'm sure the thief sold it to him by now.

>> excuse me. why is there a disco ball, a d.j. system, and a fireman's pole in my room? >> because i had big plans, little girl. i had big plans. >> okay. just get the stuff out of my room, especially the fireman's pole. (announcer) let's say it's guy's weekend,

and your friend says it's going to be sweet... ...to watch tv, while we tailgate. insane! i love you guys! i forgot the tv... (announcer) well, if someone made a mistake,

they could use sears to go to find a new tv in minutes, arrange for pickup at the nearest store ...even have it brought out to the car you know, we also sell grills. onnnn it! (announcer) sears to go, web to store. there's more ways to shop your way at sears. life. well spent. vegetables are naturally low in calories. v8 juice gives you 3 of your 5 daily servings. it's a tasty, nutritious way to make this number go up... and help this one go down. v8. what's your number? >> what's up, uncle curtis? >> hey, what's up, nephew? oh, okay. hardwood floors, spacious kitchen. >> oh, are you planning on doing some remodeling? >> no. i'm looking for your new place. >> uncle curtis, we just moved in yesterday. >> yeah, and if i hurry up, you can move out by tomorrow. ah, that's too much. you can't afford it. okay. oh, here we go.

here we go. it's perfect. >> what's that? >> you know your uncle is gonna look out for you, boy. i'm gonna look out for you. hello? yes, is this the roswell convalescent home? yeah, i was reading the paper that you have -- looking for a live-in manager. shut up. oh, okay. can they have kids? no kids? are pets allowed? shut up. okay. oh, good. good. you allow pets. he has two. great. we'll come by. okay. and your closing hours are? okay. why do you close so early? you had a death? >> they always got deaths. it's old people. >> he can help you carry the bodies. he's young and strapping. okay.

and the kids -- i mean, the pets are strong, too. hello? hello?