open wide for some soccer! announcer: the continental soccer association is coming to springfield! it's all here-- fast kicking, low scoring and ties? you bet. hey, dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game? i... don't know. you'll see all your favorite soccer stars like ariaga ariaga ii bariaga aruglia and pizzoza. oh, i never heard of those people. and they'll all be signing autographs. woo-hoo! this match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on earth. mexico or portugal. can we go? can we go, dad? please, dad? please, dad? huh? huh? please? yes! yes! oh, god, yes!

oh, i'll kill myself if portugal doesn't win. it's hard to believe this used to be an internment camp. yo, paella man! wing one up here! hey, look! it's pele! pele is king of the soccer field. to be king of your kitchen, use crestfield wax paper. ( yelling ) boring. come on, you schnorers, do something. halfback passes to the center. back to the wing.

back to the center. center holds it. holds it. holds it. halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center. center holds it! holds it! holds it! i can't bear this any longer. i'm leaving. yeah, not before me, you ain't. now, now. there's plenty of exits for everyone. oh, that's it. you're dead, pal. hey, now, that's uncalled for. shut your hole, skinner. ( yelling ) they call this a soccer riot? come on, boys, let's take 'em to school. oi! oi! oi! oi! homer, we've got to get out of here. oh, but i want to do some rioting. jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!

all done. what began as a traditional soccer riot as escalated into a citywide orgy of destruction. reacting swiftly, mayor quimby has declared mob rule. so for the next several years, it's every family for itself. ec-ec-ec-excuse me, sir. i think you've got my t.v. sir? somebody's got to stop them! let's wait till they burn the school down. oh, my god. homer, they're right next door. relax, marge. if someone tries to get in here my burglar alarm will let us know. ( gasping ) watch the fish, marge. oh... looks like you called me just in time. this home isn't secure at all. what did i tell you, marge? intruders could come in down the chimney through the mail slot

even hidden in your groceries. did you change the locks when you moved in? nah, i thought not. all the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere. what do you recommend? a lot of companies would put in a pretty system that looks good, but doesn't provide any real protection oh, let's get that. but if you want to sleep easy seal off every door and window with bulletproof lucite. wouldn't we all suffocate? well, i should hope not. let's get the suffocation thing. and you can have it all for just $500. $500?! aw, forget it. but surely you can't put a price on your family's lives. i wouldn't have thought so either but here we are. homer, we need something to protect this family. i couldn't agree more, marjorie. you deserve peace of mind and peace of mind is what you shall have. i'd like to buy your deadliest gun. aisle six, next to the sympathy cards.

( clicking ) whoa. careful there, annie oakley. i don't have to be careful.

i got a gun. you'll probably want accessories. holster... oh, yeah. bandoleer... baby. silencer... loudener... speed-cocker... ooh, i like the sound of that. and this is for shooting down police helicopters. oh, i don't need anything like that... yet. just give me my gun. sorry. the law requires a five-day waiting period. we've got to run a background check. five days? but i'm mad now. i'd kill you if i had my gun. yeah, well, you don't. ( muttering ): lousy big shot. thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns. if he didn't have any guns, i'd show him a thing or two. let's see what happens when he walks into my store. then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods. dad, it's 3:00 a.m. can't you mutter in your room? marge kicked me out. ( groans ) ( moans ) how am i supposed to last five days without shooting something? ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the waiting ♪

♪ is the hardest part ♪ every day gets one more yard ♪ you take it on faith ♪ you take it to the heart ♪ the waiting is the hardest part ♪ ♪ yeah, the waiting is the hard... ♪ come on, come on! open up! ( flushing ) now, i believe you have some sort of firearm for me. well, let's see here. according to your background check you've been in a mental institution... yeah. frequent problems with alcohol... ( chuckling ): oh, yeah. you beat up president bush. former president. "potentially dangerous"? relax. that just limits you to three handguns or less.

woo-hoo! close your eyes, marge. i've got a surprise for you. hmm... okay. open your eyes. ( screams ) hey, it's a handgun. isn't it great? this is the trigger and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die. homer, i don't want guns in my house. don't you remember when maggie shot mr. burns? didn't smithers do it? that would have made more sense. can i borrow the gun to scare that old security guard at the bank. only if you clean your room. no! no one's using this gun. the tv said you're 58 percent more likely to shoot a family member than an intruder. tv said that? but i have to have a gun. it's in the constitution. dad, the second amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. it has no meaning today. you couldn't be more wrong, lisa. if i didn't have this gun the king of england could just walk in here any time he wants and start shoving you around. you want that? huh?

do you? no. all right then. i'm sorry, homer. no weapons. a gun is not a weapon, marge. it's a tool like a butcher knife or a harpoon or... a... a... an alligator. you just need more education on the subject. tell you what-- you come with me to an n.r.a. meeting and if you still don't think guns are great we'll argue some more. ( beeps ) ( beeps ) ( beeps ) ( beeps ) assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately. but they're manufactured for a reason-- to take today's modern super-animals such as the flying squirrel and the electric eel. learning something, marge? ( growls ) uh, hi. i'm moe s. all: hi, moe.

yeah, last night, i was closing up the bar when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up. ( all gasping ) what ever did you do, moe? well, it could have been a real ugly situation but i managed to shoot him in the spine. ( cheering and whistling ) yeah, i guess the next place he robs better have a ramp. ( all laughing ) hi. i'm homer s. all: hi, homer. hi. if a gun can protect something as important as a bar it's good enough to protect my family. so, if you'll have me i would like to become a lifetime member of your wonderful organization. ( cheering and whistling ) way to go! homer, you can't join up with these gun nuts. oh, come on, be fair, marge. for once in your life, be fair. oh...

sorry. my fault. oh, don't shoot. just take the money and get out. what? oh, apu, i would never... or would i? i've already gone this far. i wonder what my life would be like if i robbed the kwik-e-mart. ( music plays ) i'll do it. i'llob the kwik-e-mart. all right, put your... d-ohh! oh, well, i'll rob it next time. can you help me get my ball down from the roof, dad? sure thing, honey. ( hissing ) you want me to get the cat down?

no, thanks. homer: pull! missed one, dad. see you in hell, dinner plate. ( gunshot and shattering ) ( smacking ) mmm. mmm. does anyone know where all my dinner plates went? um... mm, you probably left them at work. on another topic, guess who was picked to host the next n.r.a. get-together. homer, i told you this morning no guns at the dinner table. you said the breakfast table. it's the same table. listen, if it'll make you feel any better i'll put the safety on. ( gunshot ) oops. guess it was already on. ( gunshot ) ah... i better just put it down. ( gunshot ) no, offense, mom, but that was pretty cool. homer, i think you'd agree that i have put up with a lot in this marriage.

but this is the first time since we've been married that i've actually feared for our lives. so i'm asking you if you really care about me and the children please, please get rid of the gun. all right, marge. i'll do it. for you. mmm... i'm a lucky woman. and i'm a wonderful man. ( grunting ) aw, i don't feel them. you said there'd be fudge-icles, bart. where's the fudge-icles? first, it's fudgesicle. and i know they're up here. i just need a better foothold. hello. and the next marksman is... william tell, jr.!

jinx! ( gasps ) bart! oh, i see bart gets to have a gun. you lied to me. you promised to get rid of this gun. i put it in a safe place, marge. i mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper? how could you? of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life this is the worst... the most despicable. but, marge, i swear to you i never thought you'd find out. ( growls ) until you decide what's more important-- your gun or your family-- we can't live in the same house. come on, kids. so, this is the thanks i get for protecting my family? then go. i'll be just fine. ( slams ) do you know how to cook dinner? do i!

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all for just $179 a month. and like all new volkswagens, it comes with 3 years or 36,000 miles of no-charge scheduled carefree maintenance. it's all part of why the jetta is the top-selling german engineered sedan in america. i've left homer. thank god. so we need a place to spend the night. try the sleep-eazy motel. i woke up there once. it seemed nice. why can't we stay here? uh... we have a gentleman caller. hey, this tv's not broken, it's just unplugged. what the...? homer: ooh, the gun club's going to be here any minute. ( doorbell rings ) ( yelps and gasps )

they're here! they're here! hi ya, homer. i brung ya a big bag of irregular oreos. i don't see what's wrong with this one. oh. looking for a good time, sailor? i certainly am. no, you're not. he's really not. ...and that's how, with a few minor adjustments you can turn a regular gun into five guns. here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies. anyone else want a beer? ( hibbert gasps ) homer! you use your gun as a can opener? i use it for everything. watch me turn on the tv. ( three gunshots ) i've never seen such recklessness!

you might have hurt someone! are you some kind of moron? yeah, but... hey, yutz, guns aren't toys. they're for family protection hunting dangerous or delicious animals and keeping the king of england out of your face. your membership card, please, homer. oh... i'll also need to remove your tattoo. i didn't get one yet. rats. now, since you're no longer a member please go outside until the meeting is over. ( upbeat dance music playing ) hey, we got a pool! can we go swimming, mom? mm... not right now, dear. wow! the tv's coin-operated. and so is the bible. ( ticking ) i'd like to order a wake-up call, please. 3:00 a.m. uh, for every room except this one. that's right. good night. ( chuckling ) always love trying out new material on the road.

bart: no way are you going to beat me, lis. yes, i am. come on, spotty. come on, smelly. ( gunshots ) oh, this gun cost me everything-- my wife, my kids... everything but my precious, precious gun. this stinks. i want my family back. hey, is that a camera in the ceiling? man: no. go back to sleep. this bed is making me nauseous. why won't it stop?! honey, it'll be morning soon. try to get some sleep. huh? oh, uh, oh, i'm sorry. are you planning to stay the whole night? yes. all right. vote quimby.

marge? sorry. marge? oh, sorry. marge? vote quimby. sorry. marge: down here, homer. oh, marge! there's so many things i want to yell to you! come down here! okay! oh, honey, please come home. i need you. it's dark in the house, and i'm hungry and lonesome and there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks. what about the gun? it's gone for good, marge. i finally realized what's the point of having a gun for protection if you've got no one to protect? oh, homie. mm... come on, kids, we're going home. bart and lisa: yeah! okey-doke, here's your bill and your continental breakfast. ( coughing ) all right, everybody, hands up!

you give me the cash drawer. do what he says. i'm too rich to die. freeze, bad guy! vote quimby. okay, man, don't shoot. chill. homer! you said you got rid of the gun. you lied to me! again! i know i said that, but what i secretly meant was... yoink! the joke's on you, buddy. there's no bullets in that thing. ( laughing ) yo. give me the bullets. okay, don't shoot! all: drop it! how did you know we were being robbed? the clerk here pressed the silent alarm and we picked it up on our scanner. did anyone stop that robber? no, i don't think so. i'm sorry i lied to you, marge but this gun had a hold on me. i felt this incredible surge of power like god must feel when he's holding a gun.

so please, get rid of it because i know'll just lie to you again and again. mm...

before taking it on, one must study it first. rushing in unprepared may prove overwhelming... with all that juicy, 100% angus beef. there! you found a point of entry! the bacon beckons like a springboard to paradise. one small bite for man... etcetera, etcetera. angus axiom number 11: bring on the bacon. the astonishing new angus third pounders. all angus. all mcdonald's. ♪ ba da ba ba ba

[captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation]

♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely?