>> malik, are you scratching, or you washing windows? >> cousin calvin, are you dissing my d.j. skills? >> naw, bruh. get squeaky wit it. >> ho ho ho! ho ho ho! all up and down ponch, you should see them. they out there walking. >> uh, pops, since when does santa claus wear culottes and flip-flops? >> this his shorts set, you dumb elf, and this the only costume they had left. >> santa's from the north pole. don't you think you'll catch a cold in that? >> thank god for global warming. >> pops, i think it's cool you decided to host this year's toy drive. >> yeah. me, too. hey, where the toys at? >> what toys? what toys? what toys? under the tree? we don't have any, i don't think. >> why not, uncle curtis? >> because i didn't collect any. >> the flyers didn't work? >> i'm sure they would've if i'd have passed them out.

look. it's christmastime. i've been busy. >> doing what? >> i've been shopping for me and your auntie's new year's trip we taking. >> oh, that's right. it is your time for your annual vacation, huh? where you going this year? >> hawaii. ♪ hawana, hawhiny, hawily wooni wah wah halawa hooni wah wah ♪ you know they talking when they say that. they actually saying stuff. >> uncle curtis, the kids from the foster home will be here soon. >> yeah, and since you didn't hand out the flyers, we don't have anything to give them. >> what are we gonna tell them? >> ala'a wana hela. i don't know. think of something. i can't do everything. why i got to do everything? good. y'all getting on my nerves. aloha. ala'a wana. going to hawaii. do something. i'm talking 1975, son. real hip hop.

you weren't even born in '75, son. ( laughs ) i'm just saying he can't roll like spinderella... ♪ 'cause i'm an undercover fella ♪ ♪ and i flow like mozzarella ( groaning, laughter ) mcdonald's flavor battle. go to 365black.com now and choose your flavor. three djs. three burgers. vote for your favorite dj and you could win a trip... to the sprite step off finals in the atl -- the ultimate step showdown. and some serious cash. that's off the top of my head, man. - right here. - mcdonald's flavor battle. may the best flavor win. ♪ ba da ba ba ba

>> what are you doing back so soon? >> oh, baby, they canceled the toy drive. >> that's bad. what happened? >> somebody forgot to pass out the flyers. hey, baby, i think i'm gonna keep these flip-flops. you think these go with my speedos? >> man, we need to talk. >> oh. oh, yeah. so, did you reserve the honeymoon suite? >> actually, we got a refund, and we'll be home in our own bed. >> what are you talking about, ella? >> baby, i canceled the trip so that we could be home with c.j. and the kids for the holidays. this is the first time that the kids will be without janine for christmas. >> ella, them kids are fine. i just seen them. they fine. >> curtis... >> i got flip-flops on, ella. >> ok, curtis. then wear them next year. >> what do you want? >> pops, the kids left the

foster home before i could cancel. i'm gonna need some money to buy toys. >> no, you don't. just go get a bag and go outside. get some rocks, put it in there, and give it to the kids. tell them to kick them around. >> curtis, you will not have my son telling foster kids to kick rocks. >> well, it's better than smoking them. >> here, baby. take this. just take this. i don't know what it is. buy all the toys you can get. >> wait. hold up. hold up. baby, how you gonna give away my boogie board money? >> curtis, a boogie board. don't worry, baby. when you see the smiles on these children faces, ooh-- >> where's the smiles, ella? where's the smiles? i just paid for them. where they at? >> what's wrong, kids? >> uncle curtis messed up the toy drive. >> yeah, and we miss mommy. >> yeah. we don't want to celebrate christmas this year. >> oh, that's good. that's great. i don't blame you. i don't want to celebrate it. i don't want to celebrate it, either. i'm gonna call. baby, what's the number of the place. we can get our reservation back. >> curtis, please. ok. listen, malik, jazmine.

i just gave calvin money for the foster kids to get toys, so you don't have to worry about that, ok, and i know you're gonna miss your mom for this christmas, but i promise you, we will make this christmas the special one, ok? >> ok. every christmas eve, me and mommy, we build a gingerbread house. >> did she burn that house, too? >> well, jazmine, i've never built a gingerbread house. i'd like for you to teach me. >> well, me and mom used to string popcorn. >> oh, my goodness. right there, that's a waste of food. might as well have a roast buffet on the tree. >> curtis, i don't know what has gotten into you, but it needs to come out. >> how about if you all get out? that'd help it come out. come on. let's go, santa's helper. come on. come on. get up. let's go, butterfly. fly away.

shoo, fly. come on, my little bumblebee. come on, my bee of bumbles. come on. >> get away from me. you're such a scrooge. scrooge! >> blagh! care about this? i'm gonna take a nap, and i got to dream about hawaii. you know why? because you canceled my trip. why i couldn't care about all that stuff. care about all that? look. bah, humbug. brr! mm... >> ha ha ha! aloha.

aloha. aloha! aloha! wake the hell up. ha ha ha! >> madea, what are you-- >> hello. >> am i in hawaii? >> hell no, you ain't in hawaii, although i could put a apple in your mouth and put you on one of them rotisseries and turn you like one of them fat, little pigs. ha ha ha! >> what do you want? >> hell, i want some gin and juice and some cigarettes. [thunder] i'm just kidding. ooh, the angels is testy today. you like my christmas purse? this is my christmas purse. let's see what i got. they told me to come down here and say something. ok. ahem. "aloha. i am one of your angels, and i have come to help you through a mission." >> who wrote that? >> the angels in heaven. i'm one of them. >> you? an angel. yeah, right. >> yeah. that's the same thing i said. i said, "y'all want me to be a angel? hell, do you know what kind of weapons i got in this purse?" ha ha ha! >> what do you want with me?

>> you must come with me and look at your past, present, and future. >> i'm not going anywhere with you. >> i am from the south side of heaven, ok? i will take this halo and these earrings off and beat the hell out of you, ok? i don't live in heaven. i'm right outside the gate. they put me in the projects of heaven, so come on. let's go. >> aw, hell. >> i'm gonna let some of that air out your belly so i can ride on your back. >> what is this? what is this? >> come on. come on. you must go with me. i'm a angel. float on air. come on. >> we'll float? we gonna float? >> float, fat bastard. float. come on. you look like something at the macy's thanksgiving day parade. float with me. i'm a angel with limited powers. they don't trust me, so they didn't give me no power. ok. stop. rrk! ha ha ha!

don't be so bitter, bitter man. >> why did just we walk from the front through the back door? >> because, just like your big ass, your past is behind you. ha ha ha! i'm sorry because i know y'all are watching, but he funny. ha ha ha! ok. fine. let me get down to business. all right. i hear y'all. ok. ok. "i am here to show you christmas from a few years ago. welcome to christmas past-- christmas 2004." take a look. get the hell over there, bastard, and take a look at what's happening. >> whew, i'm beat. >> oh, calvin, sweetheart. mwah, mwah. what took you so long? >> mother, you would not believe all the blacktivity going down at the mall today. >> blacktivity? >> yes. >> wait a minute, son. blacktivity? what is that?

>> oh, black activity. it's a newly coined word. i learned it in my linguistics class. i am so getting a "a" this semester. >> ha ha ha! and i am so glad you are. i tell you what. it is so good to see you putting to good use the money that i spent on your college. wow, i'll tell you what, son. you keep this pace up, and you're gonna graduate in 3 years, probably sooner. ha ha ha! [doorbell rings] >> we have a caller. ah. >> ho, ho, ho. merry christmas. >> oh, jazmine, malik, c.j. oh! where is your lovely wife janine? >> she's volunteering at the church. she'll be with us shortly. >> oh, janine has such a passion for helping people. >> it's almost as if she's addicted. >> ho ho ho! [laughter] golly gee.

look at all the presents under the christmas tree. >> now, now, malik, you know i'm all about giving, but i'll tell you what. you will not open that present, young man. you will not do it right now. i'm sorry i had to be so harsh with him, but you won't open it until your beautiful little sister jazmine puts the topper on the christmas tree. >> oh. >> come on, jazzy. >> oh, goodie. >> here, dear. >> oh. oh, well... >> ha ha ha! are you ready? lift up. oh! yes. oh, it's perfect. everyone stand back. >> ahh! >> remarkable. >> it's art. >> i must say something. i must say something.

everyone quiet. i have something to say. this year, i will not receive any of the presents you have for me, none of the gifts. i want nothing. >> oh... >> you all's presence is enough present for me. it's all i need, i mean, outside of the little baby jesus, of course. >> halleluiah. >> amen to that. >> god bless us, one and all. >> ♪ the first noel... >> i remember that. i remember that. that's the first year i let calvin cut the christmas turkey. ooh. did you cut the christmas cheese? >> ha ha ha! no, but when you parted them lips, i smelled it, too. ha ha ha! >> this is wacky. i'm sick of this. i'm going to the firehouse. i'm gonna float to the firehouse. >> i got two more ghosts to be for you--ghost of christmas past, present, and future.

then i can get some gin. [sleigh bells ring] this is christmas present. please refrain from smoking. keep all of your arms and legs inside the vehicle and no flash photography as we take a look. ♪ brroon >> are we seriously wrapping canned goods as presents instead of toys? >> calvin, yes. we have to make do with what we have. >> ho, ho, ho! now, which one of you kids wants chicken soup for breakfast, huh? if you're nice, you get chicken and rice. >> and if you're in between, i got candy from halloween. >> and if you're bad, you get...peas. >> i cannot believe that curtis did not pass out the flyers to promote the toy drive. >> yeah. i wish i could've done more. >> you could have. had you been on top of your game, you would've known my dad wasn't doing his part. >> excuse me? >> you should've made sure he

was passing out those flyers weeks ago. >> aunt ella, you hear what he just said? >> he's right, c.j. >> see what happens? you're so selfish, curtis, you didn't do what you supposed to do. look at the faces of these poor foster children. look at them. they ain't got nothing because of you, curtis. how does that make you feel? what do you have to say for yourself, curtis? >> christmas is overrated. >> tell that to the baby jesus and mary. >> when i was a kid, my mother and father, no matter how hard they worked, they couldn't afford that shiny red fire truck i wanted. >> i'm so touched. that's sadder than a lifetime movie. now man up. get your thong out your butt and straighten up and help these children. >> i figured it out. >> well, good, good. what'd you figure out? >> since i can't have anything i want, nobody is gonna have anything they want, neither.

>> yo, mama. >> my man, what's up? >> you eat yet? >> no. no. i ain't hungry. >> you ain't hungry? >> [coughs] no. i ain't hungry.

>> you ain't hungry? i brought you some chicken on a stick. >> i don't want no leftover chicken on no stick. >> aunt ella, where the car at? where the car, and what's wrong with the lights? >> repo man came. repo man came, took it away an hour ago. electricity has been off. [coughing] i got to stop smoking. i don't know why i started smoking. >> you got to take care of that cough. >> c.j., how the kids? how the kids? >> oh, man! every time i go down there to see malik, i'm just proud. i'm so proud of that boy because that boy, he doing his time. he doing his time, and remember b.j. and slick and them, used to bully him when he was growing up around the corner? >> they in there with him? >> hey, they down there. he whupped both of they behinds. >> ha ha ha! >> pookie told me. >> pookie told you? i said, "boy, that's my boy right there. auntie, auntie, he got your name tattooed right here. >> pick that up. don't get that dirty. wait! wait a minute. baby, how's jazmine?

>> jazmine, man... >> you know we ain't got no alcoholics in this family. we ain't got no alcoholics. >> man, stop pointing at me. no. pop used to hit me too much. you ain't gonna be pointing at me like that. >> ooh... >> don't hit him. don't hit him, aunt ella. don't you hit him. don't hit him. >> she gonna do something. what you gonna do? what you-- >> no! >> y'all done broke the table. >> you done broke my tv. >> hold up, though. hold up. you ain't gonna be hitting on me. >> what's up? you want another one? >> hey, c.j. hey, c.j. c.j., c.j. hold me back, c.j. >> y'all gonna stop this. y'all gonna stop this. >> both y'all get out of here. >> that's your mama. >> i want both y'all to get out. >> i got to go, anyway, auntie, because i got this white woman in the car waiting for me. >> you brought a white woman over here? >> she's sitting out there in the cab right now? i told her, i said, "i got to go see my family." >> get out of here. get out of here. go. >> i told the woman i had to see my family. >> think i'm playing. >> i'm going. i'm going. >> get on out of here. >> i'm gonna go. i'm gonna go. >> hey, wait. hold on because i was gonna ask you something before she started tripping up in here, made me forget.

you ever regret quitting the firehouse? >> the firehouse? working with uncle c.? >> yeah. >> let me tell you something, playboy. they found out after uncle curtis died that all them fundraisers and firemen's pensions and all that, uncle c. stole all that, home. you know that man. that was a selfish man. hey, i'm gonna holler at you all. auntie, auntie... >> all right. >> dead? dead? i ain't dead. i'm right here. hey, c.j. c.j.! he just gonna-- what happened to me? what happened to me? >> you choked on a pork chop. >> aah! >> ha ha ha! >> i wish you would stop doing that. >> aw, curtis. >> look. what happened to my family. >> oh, curtis, when you died, ella fell into a deep, dark depression. it was really awful, all of it. everybody, children, they all just went different ways, and it was so dismal and dysfunctional that nobody knew what to do because curtis was cold.

he was their lifeline that held everybody together. >> thank you. thank you. i get the picture. >> ok. >> what the-- it hurts me to see my family like that. >> aww. >> how can i change it? what can i do to change it? >> that's the million-dollar question. i've been waiting for you to ask that question. you want to change it? >> yes. i do. >> still want to go to hawaii and not help those foster children? >> well, forget it, then. i won't go anywhere. i just want my family happy again. >> ok. you have said the correct thing, and the angels have heard you. this is the key to your house. go in and make everything right, o thou fat man, and go and help your family to be better. >> thank you. >> you're welcome, bastard. >> thanks so much. i didn't realize i was so selfish. >> yes. you're very selfish. >> thank you so much. >> you're welcome. uh-uh! get the hell off. i'm gonna stop playing with you. the hell is wrong with you? >> thank you, o great christmas tree. >> gonna hang on me, i ain't

gonna be no angel no more. >> uncle curtis. >> waah! malik, you made parole? >> what? >> never mind. never mind. i'm just glad you're not locked up, son. >> uncle curtis, uncle curtis, you're squeezing me. >> ok. where you going? >> i'm going to hang out with the foster kids at the firehouse. i came back to get my gamepal. >> tell your auntie i'll be right over there. i just got to go grab some stuff. really good to see you. >> hope you take care of your breath, ok? >> my breath? ok. i love you. love you 'lik.

welcome to chili's. try chili's triple dipper dinner. oose your three dippable favorites, like our chicken crisper bites, big mouth bites, and classic southwestern egg rolls. nine craveable options to choose from. build your perfect meal, only $9.99. >> ha ha ha! i mean, ho ho ho! merry christmas, everybody. your wish has been granted. ha ha ha! >> curtis, what in the world? >> what'd you do, sleighjack santa? >> no, my son. i ran into this crazy angel from hell, who shall remain nameless,

and she showed me the error of my ways. >> well, i'm glad somebody did. you wouldn't happen to have any food on that cart, would you? oh, on the sleigh, santa. santa's elves are starving. >> yes, my child. i know you are, and that's why i stopped at a store on the way. there was a couple open, so i picked up some stuff so we could have a merry christmas. >> curtis, curtis, are you ok? >> baby, i've never been better, ok, because now i realize-- i realize the real meaning of christmas now. it's about giving, not just receiving, and the birth of christ, of course. oh, you know, i didn't realize how much i really have. hey, kids, i know you miss your family. you miss your mom, but it's important that you know you have family here that care for you and love you very much. >> yeah. some kids don't even have that. >> that's right, so now, since this is supposed to be a christmas party, let's get the

jingle bells a-jangling. >> allow me. [humming "deck the halls"] >> ♪ deck the halls with boughs of holly fa la la la la la la la la ♪

d-ohh! ( screams ) marge, stop this crazy thing! [captioning sponsored by twentieth television and fox broadcasting company] we got the popcorn. did you get waiting to exhale? well, they put us on the waiting to exhale waiting list