pete: step away from your sister! karen: you hit me! karen, go up and get changed. ben, will you stop playing with that? ( toy siren wailing ) listen! for the last time, you should never, ever hit a person! what if they were attacking you with a shovel? what? if somebody's attacking you with a shovel, you must be able to hit them. well, obviously, yeah. i mean, that would be self-defense, so... obviously, in that sort of shovel-related circumstance you can hit someone, but-- ah, but you said never ever. look, ben, you know perfectly well what-- come on, people, let's not be late for another wedding! ah! and today's mystery object is... a trowel behind the telly. ( ben and pete arguing ) karen! are you ready? look, ben, you must never hit someone first.

what if you're a boxer? if you're a boxer, you should be able to hit someone, because... listen! a boxer's job is to punch people. yeah, but we're not talking about-- what if somebody's walking toward you, and you know they're a murderer... ben. and they have a shovel. ben, this isn't about murderers with shovels. sue: jake, can you stop texting? ben: why i have got to wear this stuff, anyway? come on, everyone! five-minute warning! it's horrible and itchy. because we're going to a wedding, and everyone has to be as uncomfortable as possible. it's a law. now, go-- come on. karen, do you need some help? no, no, no. i thought we'd agreed that you were going to change into your dress when we got to julie's house, like the other bridesmaid. but i want to, um, travel in my dress. but, darling, it'll get-- you're not supposed to upset me on my big day. well, strictly speaking, karen, it's cousin julie's big day, isn't it. i wish everybody would stop saying that! go and change into what you were wearing before. who comes down the aisle first, me or the other bridesmaid?

well, that's up to cousin julie, so we'll have to wait and see what she wants. who comes down the aisle first, cousin julie or-- or me? that would be cousin julie, on account of the face that she's the bride. now, go and get changed, karen! ( phone ringing ) i'll get that! we've got to shift! come on! sue: hi, dad. how are you? dad, is auntie angela coming to the wedding? well... she hasn't replied to the invitation, and america's a long way away, so... you never really know with auntie angela, so. god, i hope mum and her don't have another fight. well, it wasn't really a fight, exactly, was it? no shovels involved. no, but there was shouting and screaming and swearing, a lot of swearing. all sisters have these little disagreements, and i'm sure that if she does come, they'll both be very civilized about it.

anyway, she probably won't come. bollocks! the present. sue: god! you okay? no! that was dad. he's forgotten all about the wedding, and he's still in his pajamas. i've got a thumping headache, and karen's faffing about with her dress. karen, where are you off to? i need to wee. okay, do you need help with your dress and stuff? i'm six. okay, but don't slide the bolt across, 'cause it's stiff. what? i said... can you make sure that you don't slide the-- ( click, thump ) ...bolt across. okay. uh, karen, darling, listen, could you, uh, can you do me a favor? can you just put the bolt back across again, you know, just so i know you can? ( grunts ) i can't! it's too stiff! you should've warned me not to put the bolt across. i think it was mentioned, actually, sweetheart. ( banging on door ) let me out! there's nothing to worry about. you'll be fine.

( grunts ) well, you slid it one way. you should-- you should be able to slide it the other. sue: come on, everyone, let's go! ben, don't do that. we need to allow plenty of time, 'cause daddy doesn't trust the sat-nav anymore, not since that visit to the army firing range. bloody child-proof bottles! cheers. just give it-- help! let me out! she won't be able to get out. she'll be stuck in there forever. ben, that is not a very helpful thing to say. you should've told her not to put the bolt across. well, funnily enough, that is exactly-- you'll have to break the door down. do you mind? i am dealing with this. on the bill, they have this really, really big special door-basher that's like a big metal pole. well, unfortunately, we don't have a big, special door-basher with a long metal pole.

what if she gets thirsty and she drinks the toilet water? well, that'll be fine. karen! let me out of here! what's going on up here? i'm stuck in the toilet! well, you shouldn't have let her put the bolt across. right. the next person who says that-- okay, let's try not to panic. no one is panicking. break the door down! karen's panicking. thank you, jake. yes, i am aware of that. if she slid the bolt one way, then she should be able to slide it back. yes, i know, and that is why i have been-- okay, let's all try to stay calm. i am calm! this is going to make us late. ( sobs ) we can't be late! it's my big day! it's all right, karen. stay calm. we could put beavers through the window, and they'd eat the door. look, can we please stop with these stupid suggestions about beavers? there is no point in panicking. help! i am not panicking. ( banging ) we're not gonna be late. i will deal with it, and i will deal with it in a calm and measured way. how much will it cost to replace that door? look, i got us here on time, didn't i?

sometimes drastic situations require drastic measures. so, how's your shoulder? fine. and your foot? yes. and your... look, can we just-- okay? you all right, granddad? what? oh, yeah, yeah. just admiring the bride. judy looks smashing, doesn't she, eh? it's julie, granddad. what? oh. oh, yeah. so, girls, how do i look? you look beautiful. oh, thank you, karen. do i look beautiful? you look okay. you look gorgeous, mary. why are wedding dresses white? because mummy says it's a bad color, 'cause it shows the dirt. that's true. i mean, it's not very practical, is it? and also, why are wedding dresses funny? funny?

yes, because when i asked my mummy and daddy in the car would the bride be wearing white, they said, "yes," and started giggling. did they. and they tried to hide it, but i could see mummy's shoulders weaving up and down like this. right. great. right, ben, little reminder. gravel. confetti. only you seemed to get the two confused at your auntie sandra's wedding, didn't you? and when the priest says, "does anyone know any reason why these people can't get married," no shouting out funny answers, all right? you mean, like, "she's a man!" yes. exactly like that. you're very lucky your auntie sandra's got such a good sense of humor. karen: who's that? that's sam. we used to go out together. how many of your boyfriends are here? not many. a few. a few.

what about-- what about the bald one? oh, colin! my mum liked him. did she? no, colin-- colin's not here. what about that one that was friends with the queen? sorry? friends with the queen. he was friends with the queen. you know. um... he's friends with the queen. he's a guest of her majesty. right. right, no. no, he-- he's not here. is he at buckingham palace? no, he's not at buckingham palace! my mummy didn't like him. so-- so, your mummy and daddy were discussing my taste in boyfriends, were they? yes. right. who's ulrika? i don't know what i would do if i was attacked by a polar bear, ben. bleed to death, probably.

sit there. there's place by your mother. no, there isn't. yes, there is. no, there isn't. look. there's quite obviously a space next to you. why next to me? why next to me? budge on. come on. move up here, and he can sit-- ben: ow. sue: shh. this brings back so many memories of my wedding day. crowded church, everyone in their finery. and jane! oh, jane was so beautiful. breathtaking, she was. dad. mum's name was joan. i know! but she had this gorgeous friend called jane. real stunner. i-- i can't believe that you-- that you'd just-- just because you're getting married doesn't mean you've got to stop admiring beautiful women. that's just... at the altar? oh, come on, it's just what men are like. sue: weird! karen: so you promise to love him forever and ever, but how do you know that's true?

i just know. i love derek. that's all there is. but, so, you didn't love any of those other boyfriends, like the bald one and the one that was friends with the queen? well, i suppose at the time, you-- you think you love them, but-- then it turns out that you were wrong all those times? yes. but you're right this time? yes. and that's happy and good. that's happy and good. why has jesus got that sad expression on his face? well, he's being... crucified, and it's making him feel sad. he's got nails in his hands. he should be going, "aah!" ben, shush! well, he should. soppy old jesus. ben, please! it's not realistic. would you just-- hey, look! it's angela.

she's made it! isn't that brilliant? oh, yeah, that's-- that-- that's brilliant. hi! hi, pete! hiya, dad! hi. mm! sue. hi, jake. hi, jake. hi. hi, ben. i'm so sad. ben! could you-- he hasn't changed, i see. it's fantastic you could make it. it's just a whistle-stop tour, i'm afraid. my boss can't spare me for long. of course not, no. come here. how long have you known derek? ten months. that's not a very long time. oh, look, what a lovely staircase! my mummy and daddy don't live together anymore. mummy said that on their wedding day she thought he was the most wonderful man on the planet. now she just cries all the time. father: here we go, sweetheart. ( organ plays wedding march ) all set? ( panting ) ...yeah.

julie's got tears in her eyes. well, it's an emotional day. it's sue. ( mouthing ) who's that? no idea. pete: this is our table. they've put, uh, ben and karen on a children's table. result! is it? ben is on a children's table... with other children. look, you can't be a helicopter parent. you just hover around him all the time. you don't give him any space. he's gonna be fine. i'm more of a sort of jump-jet parent, if anything. i like to just sort of get in there quickly and sort stuff out.

angela: my god, it's you! oh, hello, vicar! ohh! here it comes. the attention-seeking missile. look, sue, this-- this is julie's big day. yes, i know. all i was going to say is that-- is that i must stay in control. yes, i know that, and you needn't worry, because i have made a promise to myself. and no matter how provoking angela gets, i am simply going to choose to rise above it, okay? okay. okay. okay, sorted. ( kids laughing ) well, she, uh, seems to be on top of it, doesn't she? ...yeah. they're walking towards each other. i'm on it. hi, auntie angela. oh. hi, jakey. mmm. nice table display. yes. yes, it's a--

it's a very nice table display. yes, i like a good old table display, don't you? if you're gonna sit on the children's table, you've got to do no fighting, no drinking grown-up drinks, and no swearing. do you understand? 'cause we're going to trust you. trust me? yeah. you're going to trust me? yes, only you mustn't arm-wrestle this little girl 'cause she only looks about three. four. she's four. you all right, pete? um. yeah, frank, yeah. the bride's certainly putting it away. probably a case of big match nerves, frank.

can i ask you another question about the bible? uh, well, yes. of course you can, ben. king herod sent out an order to kill baby jesus, right? right, yes, he did, yeah. well, why didn't baby jesus zap him? well, yes, i-i suppose in theory, he could've... zapped him. he... because herod was a tiny little speck of nothing to jesus, 'cause jesus could've squished him with a hippopotamus, or... but jesus was meek and mild. well, yes, that's true, karen. and besides, he knew that when king herod got to hell, that god would roast him until his eyeballs exploded. and why has god only given us 15,000 billion years left to live before the sun dies? uh...

sue, hi! oh, hi! so, how's things? oh! things are good. how are things with you? good, yeah. are you still in keely road? yeah, yeah, we are. are you-- are you still in... the same place, yeah. have you got your kids with you? yeah. what, all three? yes. karen must be what, six? six, yes. yes, how about you? have you got your... offspring? oh, yeah, he's around somewhere. um, have you got pete with you? we'd love to meet him. oh! um, this is pete. hi. hi. pete, this is... lovely, isn't it, this? what they've done with this... and this is my dad, and this is... where you're sitting, dad. here. where are you sitting?

on this table with you. great. that's great. because you're always worried about who's gonna be on the table with you, aren't you, at things like this, and we're gonna be okay because we've got paula and steve! welcome! paula and steve! steve and paula. so, where do you know sue from? do you want to tell him, or shall i? you tell him, paula. is angela not at our table, then? can't we-- can't we do something about that? i-i don't think it would be fair to disrupt the seating plan, frank. i mean, look, a lot of work's gone into that. when jesus was... a bit older... mm-hmm. and he was still being searched by the romans, why couldn't he shape-shift... shape-shift. ...into a roman, and then when all the other romans were asleep, he could go along and kill them so they would stop searching for him. yes, well, i doubt he would do that. he wasn't a power ranger or anything like that. can i ask you another one?

i-is this is the last question? no. okay. ben: when jesus... so, who'd like some wine? wine? oh, this is daft. there must've been a mix-up. i'll just swap this one over. i-i don't think it's fair to disrupt the seating plan. i'm sure they won't mind. anyway, it'll be nice if we're all together, won't it? ...yes. be lovely. would jesus forgive somebody if they flew up to heaven in a big rocket, and as soon as he goes to heaven, he punches jesus in the face, and he beats jesus up? would jesus say, "ooh, i forgive you," or would he fight back, pssht! and knock that man out of heaven. i just can't see a situation where somebody would get into heaven and-and-and punch, uh, jesus. ben: and also... the message in the bible is that we should forgive, and it was important that jesus died for us. he died to save us all. that's a bit selfish of humankind, isn't it?

well, couldn't he find another way, like writing to somebody to tell them to be a bit better? otherwise, something bad's gonna happen, or like-- or like-- oh, goodness. oh, look, i really must be-- when jesus was being crucified... actually, uh, i just realized there's a few people i must go and speak to. ...ask god to send a meteorite and destroy all the troops of the romans who were... well, it was the way god choose to sacrifice his only son. he wanted to show us how important it was, so he chose the most precious thing in the world to him, and the most precious thing in the world to him was jesus. but then why did he kill him? so, have you got kids? no. no, my lifestyle's never really left any room for it, you know? i love my globe trotting too much. right. no, i-i couldn't do what sue does. jesus says we should forgive everybody. yes, that's right. sorry, you are...? this is mary, my assistant bridesmaid. okay. well, i'll be off.

so, what would jesus do if someone stole his mobile? would he forgive them? yes, he'd forgive them. yes, he would. you're absolutely right. well done, ben. now, i really must be going. wait. one last question. okay. what would jesus do... if he was attacked by a polar bear? he would... zap him. he wouldn't zap him! that can't be true. because polar bears are extinct! i didn't mean to upset you. i was just-- ...dangerous! you're a vicar! no, because there's not much of polar bears, but there's lots of us. there's about five trillion people in the whole world, and there's about five polar bears in the whole world. ben: wait, wait, wait-- we have to look after them. all right, i-- if you went up to a group of polar bears, the last ones in the world, and you said, "polar bears, i'm on your team. let's hunt down the humans," they would pounce on you and kill you. kids, please. they probably would, but i'm never gonna do that. you're being so stupid. now, there's no need for that, ben.

no, i am not, benny! dummy! no shouting, no shouting! calm down, please, children. no, i couldn't do what sue does. i mean, i really take my hat off to her, looking after pete and the kids, day in, day out. i mean, always having to play second banana, as it were. i couldn't do that. no, i've got huge admiration for my little sister. she's like this lovely super-mum. and what am i, eh? well. each to their own, eh? a-absolutely. i mean, life would be pretty dull... jake: dad. if everybody led absolutely identical... dad. i'm right in the middle of saying something, jake. yes, but ben and karen and trying to bite each other. ( ben and karen growling ) oh! it's okay, vicar! i'll deal with it. come back here! i'm allergic to them! you are not allergic to peas. no one's allergic to peas.

no one in the world is allergic to peas. how do you know? because you--you haven't asked the people, and even if you did, i know you'd be lying, because you can't speak indian. you can't speak japanese. you can't speak-- you can't speak australian or any of that! there was this survey by the pea marketing board. look, just eat the peas, please! no, no, but-but-but-- ( children laughing ) ben! ben, you can't dip sardines in the chocolate fountain. ben: yes, you can. look! see? he can. sue: dad? it's through the double doors. dad's memory seems... quite a lot worse. well, it is a degenerative illness, so... sooner or later, he's gonna have to move out of that house.

i'm well aware of that. so, have you started looking into sheltered accommodation and stuff? we will when the time comes. there's no point going into denial about it. kid: aaah! well, perhaps you'd like to come back from america and look after him. like you once said you would. oh, yes, here we go. i was wondering how long-- look, i just don't want to have an argument with you. let's not spoil the day. it would be a shame. yes. we've made a pretty decent fist of keeping things civilized, haven't we? apart from the, uh, seating arrangement hiccough. that was nothing to do with me. oh, come on. you really think-- you can believe what you like. i'm just not going to fight with you. right, who wants a drink? it's a cash bar now. the other bridesmaid's got three pets. can we get one? no. no. you made a lovely bridesmaid, karen. have you ever been a bridesmaid?

yeah, i have, a couple of times. but never a bride. no. why? well, i... i wasn't as lucky as your mummy. i didn't want to say yes to the first man who asked me. well. we'd best be making tracks. yeah. yeah, you're right. you've gotta allow for the a3 this time of night. ( cell phone ringing ) hello? lovely to see you, paula and steve. drive safely. ...speak to sue... could you get karen to the car, and, uh, could you round up ben on the way? 'cause i'm gonna say good-bye to cousin julie. bye. bye. i'm, uh, just popping out for my nicotine fix. okay. it's good. it's good. sorry. sorry. that's okay. we're gonna head off now, so just thought i'd come

and say thank you for a really lovely do, and thanks for making karen a bridesmaid. she's just... she certainly threw herself into it. yeah, she's that kind of kid. she gave me the old third degree about my boyfriends. oh, sorry. yeah, she seemed to know quite a lot about most of them. well, you know what girls that age are like. oh, yes, i do. full of questions... like, "who's ulrika?" well, we better be making-- nice angela could make it. yes, really. oh, she and i had a good old chin-wag. did you? about your kids, mostly. really? yeah, you know what she's like when she gets going. oh, yeah. don't you wanna know what she said? no. she said jake is probably gay, 'cause he's obsessed with floral displays. she thinks karen is spoilt and... manipulative, and she thinks that ben is a trainee psychotic. right. and pete is weaker than a nun's piss. isn't that a funny expression? weaker than... than a nun's piss.

okay, well, thanks again for everything. no. thank you. it's very nice to meet you. all set? yeah. won't be a second. i'm so sorry you had to separate our children like that. oh, no problem. no problem. they really are, uh, a lively pair. lively they are, yes. yes. i'm still pondering the question "is jesus vulnerable to kryptonite?" anyway, thank you very much for a lovely service. ( sue running ) ready? yeah. bye. bye. mum, do you know jail? yes, i know jail. well, is it just like a big naughty step? yeah, that's exactly what it is, yeah. but only with walls and dogs. yeah. pete: right up to bed now, ben! ben: let me pass! no, ben, no! no, ben. why can't i watch the football? because it is late. come on. up you go.

but i've been on my best behavior all day long. you were specifically told no fighting, no swearing, and no drinking alcohol, and i caught you bashing that kid's head on the floor, shouting, "don't touch my bloody beer." but he was disrespecting me. come on. come on. pete: back to bed. if you went to jail, would they let you come home at night? well, i'm not gonna go to jail. what made you think of that? if you went up to somebody in the street and punched them, would you go to jail? well, um, probably. if you went up and kicked somebody, would you go to jail? kicked somebody? right up their bottom. right, okay. a) i'm not going to go to jail for kicking auntie angela because... she asked for it... who'd ask for somebody to kick them right up the bottom? and b) we're not going to tell anybody, are we?

because it would just upset daddy and granddad, so they don't need to know, do they? hmm? now, let's talk about something else. like let's talk about getting a pet?