>> thomas lynch is a writer ad a poet. >> "they die around the clock here without apparent preference for a day or the week. there is no clear favorite in the way of seasons." >> he's also the funeral director in a small town in central michigan. >> a good funeral is one that gets the dead where they need to go and the living where they need to be. >> lynch's award-winning book, the un

rachel fowler speaking. hi, is this the spinal column? >> we'd like to order very much a... more of a casket scarf, rather than a casket spray. so, an abbreviated piece as we've ordered in the past. and they'd like to use red and white carnations and include a lot of greens and different types of leaves and things. make it very masculine. you'll see some of the caskets will have a different stain to them. a lot of times with the poplar caskets... >> my mother had a little stroke about a month ago and, of course, those things make you think more about what is going to happen and how you're going to arrange it, so i began to think more seriously about it.

>> ...something like the pieta copper and something like the newport stainless steel casket... >> she doesn't want water to be inside her casket. so, if she's buried in the ground and, you know, it's a wet season of the year, she wants to stay dry. she wanted a metal casket, and she has always talked about having it sealed and having the vault. and these are things, you know, that i do know that she wants. >> underneath this here is an actual gasket here, and it locks with a key. >> so, it seals? >> it will seal, yeah. and it does, it provides protection. i could jot that down and we could always make changes to it. >> yes, we can always change it. >> of course, of course. >> why don't you do that. i would like that, i think. >> for her that would be nice, i think. >> and that shows virtually every place that it could be done. >> we were thinking horizontal, though. >> right.

>> that one. >> it can go right across the top. >> right across this bar. >> that'd be beautiful, bob. >> because people can read it better. >> well, especially in the winter, you know? if it's down at the bottom and we get one of our michigan snowfalls, you know, it could be covered. the name could be covered when it's way down low like that. >> i saw so many times when death would occur and no plans had been made. and we discussed it from time to time, and finally decided on what we wanted. >> ...and show you the draft of the obituary for both you and jean. yours would read this way: "robert kelly was born on march the 10th, 1922, in el reno, oklahoma. he was the fifth of six children..." >> i know exactly what they're going to do-- one visitation, a mass, a cremation, burial, side by side. >> "...discharged in 1946, and

that same year married jean marie larsen. mr. kelly has been a..." >> once the decision was made and we had that... we knew it was taken care of, that our sons would not have to sit and answer all those questions, we felt better. we felt relieved. it was just so complete, totally out of our hands, doing what we wanted. >> it'll be kelly across there. >> let me ask you first, anthony, do you... is anthony his middle name? >> he's anthony john. >> anthony john. >> anthony john. and i'm spelling your last name v-e-double-r-i-n-o. >> yeah, that's correct. >> is he a junior or is he a

second, or... >> he's not a technical... yeah, he's himself. >> he's one of a kind. >> he has no middle name. so, that makes him not a junior. >> and his date of birth is november the... >> 18th. >> two thousand and... >> four. >> four. >> tim told me that you were a good friend of father meagher. am i... do i have that right? >> yeah, father tom, yeah. >> is he aware of what's going on with you guys? >> mm-hmm, he actually... he spoke to my mom this morning. so, he hears, you know, there's always that social connection one way or another, but he said to my mom, "i heard that the baby's not doing so well," and he wanted... he said, you know, "keep me informed." >> yeah, talk to father tom about this, but my guess is he's going to encourage you to bring your family and friends and your boy into church. and then... then the other question would be whether after the mass you would plan on

having a burial or a cremation. and i think a lot of people... you know, we tend to think about these as sort of like options like any other option, until it comes right down to these difficult decisions, and then we say, "what is right for our boy?" you know. >> yeah. >> it's been... we've been able to talk about a lot of things and make some, you know, good decisions together on a lot of, you know, on everything. but this one's been... we've talked about and we both have similar feelings on different ways, but i don't know if it's because we're just not... it's not, you know... it's just hard to finalize that decision. >> it hasn't happened. >> and you needn't, you needn't. >> you know, so.... >> and there again you'll want to look to your son to guide you through this. when the time comes, you'll know what to do, i promise you. you'll know what to do.

>> this is anthony, our son, who is 24 months old. and he is not a baby who communicates in any sort of normal, expected way. >> he doesn't see, he doesn't make noises or cry unless he's having seizures. but he just has a... this just overwhelming presence for us, and i know he feels... i know that he feels loved. and he's just such a big person, you know, in this small, broken body, so... some folks in my family, when he was going through some of the harder times well, why... we still get the question, "well, why isn't he, why isn't he eating?" and my answer is, "because he's dying."

you know, and... because he's dying. >> he was born early, at almost 32 weeks. and they weren't sure why he came premature because our pregnancy was very normal, but they were sure that he had many severe problems and that his prognosis itself was really bleak. we knew he had major heart problems, we knew he had major issues with his brain. and at 18 months we had a diagnosis, which was a really rare genetic syndrome called c.f.c. syndrome. it's... it's such a... it seems so sinister when you're talking about a child dying. you know, it just seems wrong. and so you want to... people feel more comfortable remaining

hopeful. "oh, well, he just might get better," or "maybe this new medicine will work," or "maybe when he turns two." there's always like this hopeful future and we could... we would a lot of time have to say those... speak that with other people and then come home and feel... feel different, feel like that's really what wasn't going on. >> we talked a little bit last time... last week about what it might look like if anthony continues this decline. >> yeah. >> so, it would be where he's very dusky, where his hands and his arms become very dark and discolored and cold... >> when we're... when we're planning ahead, it might even be in some ways a survival mechanism because for us it gives us like steps and procedures of how to do something. i don't think we can really imagine how we'll feel when he's gone.

i've spent two years with a very sick baby, who from his birth has had significant problems and whose prognosis has never been bright. and every time we found something else out from the doctors, it was always like one more thing that was worse. and so even having that whole experience, when i sit and think about the day waking up when he's gone, i can't... i can't prepare for that completely, you know? but it gives us steps, things, i guess, traditions or something that we follow that maybe will help us survive and finding a way to honor him. there you go. you're all right. you're all right. you're all right. hmm?

can you hear your mom? can you hear your mom? >> "watching my parents, i watched the meaning change of what it is that undertakers do: from something done with the dead to something done for the living, to something done by the living, everyone of us. thus, undertakings are the things we do to vest the lives we lead against the cold, the meaningless, the void, the noisy blather and the blinding dark. it is the voice we give to wonderment, to pain, to love and desire, anger and outrage; the words that we shape into song and prayer. which undertaking is it then that does not seek to make some

sense of life and living, dying and the dead?" >> hi, anne. >> hi. >> tom lynch is here. >> oh, hello. >> i'm tom. nice to meet you. >> nice to meet you. this is your aunt? >> this is my aunt. >> is that mrs. leonard? or ms. leonard? >> ms. leonard. >> i'm tom lynch. i'm pleased to meet you. i'm going to sit down here and chat with you for a little bit, okay? >> oh, please do. >> aunt mary, mr. lynch would like to talk with you and i about what you would like to have... about funeral arrangements and death preparation. can you... would you like to speak with him about that? >> oh, yes. >> mary was getting progressively worse. she wanted very much to remain independent, but it came to a

point she realized she really couldn't be on her own. she was diagnosed with lung cancer, and within a couple of weeks she checked herself into hospice. i don't know why she was so direct with death and dying. she was not a woman of faith. she searched for it but she hadn't found it. she felt she'd lived a very good life. and she spoke openly of it. >> cremation is what you've chosen. cremation? aunt mary, would you like to be cremated? >> yes. >> i think the main thing is... >> having her not be frightened made it so much easier to be there for her, to talk about it. death is not always something easy to discuss, but she was so

open about it, it became comfortable. just comfortable. >> do you know what's ahead for you, mary? >> no. no, i have no idea. and that's kind of interesting. >> what do you mean? >> well, what is going to come? what will happen? what is the next picture? i don't know. i can't... can't even guess.

>> what time do you have class? >> 5:30. >> until 10:00? >> mm-hmm. >> and tndt'what, chemistry or bio? >> bio. >> do you have lab? >> yeah, 7:00 to 10:00. and then tomorrow i've got 10:00 to 3:00. >> and so you could come in tomorrow evening if we need help on that visitation for the king family? >> mm-hmm. >> good. >> i have memories as a very little boy being brought over here with my father while he was working, and watching him and his colleagues dress and casket bodies, you know, very quietly, very reverently, doing something for someone that could no longer

do anything for themselves. and even at a young age, before i could articulate the importance of that kind of work, i recognized it as something very significant and essential.

>> my father was ill for a relatively short period of time. his cancer was diagnosed fairly late. so, he was healthy and out doing yard work in the summer, and in

hospice and very sick by the new year. so, it was a fairly quick progression. my dad was not a real open person. through a lot of the illness, there wasn't a lot of talking about it directly. but as he became very sick and was coming to terms with it internally, he did start to talk about it more. he would make comments about not being afraid of dying, not being afraid of death, but being tired of the illness and wanting it to be over with.

i was surprised by how important some of the details become-- having things look right and you know, having a nice suit on or a nice sport coat on. my dad hadn't been wearing anything but hospital gowns and sweatpants for months at that point. and to be able to see him looking like himself, and, you know, with a coat and tie on it, ended up being a real comfort. i think being in the presence of someone dying and... and losing someone, having someone die that

you know is always more than you think it's going to be. it's just the most sort of immediate and real experience that you can have. in the case of my father, we knew his illness was progressing and we knew he was dying, but when it happens, it's a reality that you're not prepared for until it comes. >> i view the viewing of the dead as one of the most fundamental aspects of acknowledging grief. reality can no longer be denied; the death is literally staring them in the face. when my mother died at age 65 and my father came into our

funeral home and for the first time stood at the casket of his wife of over 40 years, his sweetheart since childhood, he turned to us and he said, "for over 40 years i've been telling people how important this is, this moment when we see our dead, but i never fully appreciated it until right now." and seeing my mother dead and seeing my father dead, i believe that's absolutely true; that we can imagine it, but to experience it is an entirely different thing. >> we've set aside this hour to remember and to celebrate the worth and the meaning and the significance of the life of dennis arthur king. for never did anyone touch the lives of so... >> "where death means nothing, life is meaningless. just as we declare the living alive through baptisms and

lorsn love by nuptials, funerals are the way we close the gap between the death that happens and the death that matters. it's how we assign meaning to our remarkable histories. and the rituals we devise to conduct the living and beloved and the dead from one status to another have less to do with performance than with meaning." >> we encourage people to take as much time as they need with their dead. to see them, wake them, carry them to their final resting place-- whether it be cremating the body or burying it, to see it sort of in its final phase. >> we'll just guide the casket right onto the... i view cremation as an

alternative to burial or entombment, as opposed to an alternative to a funeral. but many peo pe n't know that they can go and that they can bear witness to that placement of their loved one into that retort, into that crematory. ( machine whirring ) push it in all the way fellas. you're welcome to. almost everybody can remember some time in their youth or childhood or adulthood having been present for the burial of someone in their family or someone in their circle of friends. but if you ask any group of ordinary citizens, "how many here have attended a cremation?" there are very few hands raised.

but there's no question that cremation has become normative in a way that it used to be exceptional. >> when i die, i've told my wife i don't care.

i don't. i have nothing against cremation, i have nothing against burial. i guess maybe that's... being in the business, it's... to me it's just a vehicle you're putting in the ground; the person's not there. we allow families to be as involved in the burial process as they would like to be. it's something about being there and shoveling the dirt even on your loved one that gives you a sense of peace. when you see it lowering in the ground, you realize that there's no turning back, you'll never see that person in this lifetime again.

( birds chirping ) >> if you walk around the cemetery, you know, you see the families that were original settlers of the area and just kind of travel through time with these families. you see who married who and women who lost three or four children, women who died in childbirth, just all of these histories that are kind of documented there and underneath the oak trees and... it is, it's a beautiful place. i do go there sometimes. he thinks it's a little creepy. >> it's a little creepy. >> not the cemetery itself, but the idea of just going, walking through a cemetery for a reason other than to bury someone. but i like to see the history

and i feel some sort of almost kinship with these women who have buried these children. you know, you see those tiny little tombstones and you see these stories, and then we have th sry ourselves, you know? and it's in some ways kind of comforting or something. i don't know why, but just to feel like we're a part of this history and that others have gone through it. and we're just one more family, you know, with our own child and our own grief and also our own will to survive, because we have to go on without him. you know, he will be gone and our story will continue, just like those other families, you know? >> oh, baby. ready? huh?

ready to sleep, huh? >> "i remember in those first years as a father and a funeral director, new at making babies and at burying them, i would often wake in the middle of the night, sneak into the rooms where my sons and daughter slept and bend to their crib sides to hear them breathe. like my father, i had learned to fear. and as my children grew, so, too, the bodies of dead boys and girls i was called upon to bury. would not keep in stock an inventory of children'caskets; i'd order them, as the need arose, in sizes and half sizes from two foot to 5'6", often estimating the size of a dead child, not yet released from the county morgue, by the sizes of my own children, safe and thriving and alive.

anthe caskets i ordered were invariably 'purity in gold' with angels on the corners and shirred crepe interiors of powdery pink or baby blue. and i would never charge more than the wholesale cost of the casket and throw in our services free of charge with the hope in my heart that got wod, in turn, spare me the hollowing grief of these parents." ( telephone ringing ) >> lynch & sons, sean lynch speaking. hi, anne patrice. okay, everyone's taken the time that they need? good. okay. we'll make our way oayr ere shortly. is there any concerns or questions that you have or that any of the family has before we make our way?

of course. we are, you know, just a short distance from you, so we should be over momentarily. and we'll see you in a bit, okay? you're welcome. bye-bye. they're ready. >> tim, they are going to plan to use the casket that they had made, so they'll have blankets and they will... they're going to have a couple of things to place with him. >> let's not use the cot then. >> okay, we'll just leave it here. >> i'll put that jump seat up a little higher. >> okay.

>> when people are trying to tell you what happened about someone dyindy wt they're giving you is a narrative. they're telling you their story. and i notice this about grieving people, that the story takes on sort of a repetitious, rote characteristic as if it was, you know, like a prayer. "he woke up in the middle of the night. he asked for a glass of water. i brought it to him. he took a sip and then there was this heave, and he was gone."

>> i woke up to a sound. i could see sem early 'cause the moon was out, and when i looked at him i could see that his breathing slowed, and i watched him take his last three breaths. and the hard part is-- i don't know, maybe it's the great part-- is that everything... everything inside me, the mother in me, was just saying, "go." it was time for him to go.

>> i saw her hands changing color. they were getting blue and i said, "are you cold?" is she cold?" and then it seemed that mary was having trouble breathing. so we let the nurse know and she came in and gave her a shot to make her more comfortable, and she was gone. she just stopped. everything just stopped. i touched her, i rubbed her arm, my sister did, we said our good- byes. i stayed for a little bit. and then they were coming to take her away and i just left.

>> did she wear dentures? >> no. she's got her own teeth. >> okay. >> and no valuables are going with her, and the death certificate is here. >> okay. >> one, two, three. >> that's good. >> "to undertake is to bind oneself to the performance of a task, to pledge or promise to get it done. among the several duties of a funeral director is, of course, the disposal of the dead for the living's sake. the dead i bury and burn are

like the dead before them for whom time and space have become mortally unimportant. whatever being the dead have now, they have by the living's faith alone." >> go ahead, son. you can fill that.

>> when we bring someone here to the funeral home from the place where they've died, the first thing we do is place them onto the embalming table. and then we make an assessment of the condition of the didual's body. their hands are positioned, their head is placed on a block to position it. and then we set the features, the terminology for closing one's eyes and closing the mouth, setting and positioning the features so that there's a pleasant appearance if that's at all possible. it'll be right in here. you'll see the blueness of the vein first. >> is that it right there or is that a muscle? >> that's the vein.

work the fingers side to side and try to release any of the rigor mortis that's there. >> after someone's embalmed, the first things i try to see are what sort of positive things have happened as a result of the embalming-- the filling out of their tissues, someone's coloration changing to more of a normal pigment.

what i'm really trying to achieve is, you know, a sense of realism; not so much that you're trying to beautify someone as that you're trying to identify someone. but no matter what size paintbrush you use, it's impossible to erase death's after-effects. i think the sheer motionlessness of someone-- eyes closed, mouth closed, you know-- no matter what pleasant expression someone has, the stillness about the room, the flat pulse, i think, you can feel that.

>> when my father died, i remember seeing the body on the table, horizontal, and i remember thinking, "this is what my father will look like when he's dead." and then i can remember thinking, "this is my father dead." and it was like a door closing between tenses, you know, not "this is... this is what he'll look like, this is him." it's going from the idea of the thing to the thing itself, seeing what we know to be true and don't want to be true.

>> i was shaking before i saw him, you know, the first time in the casket, and then i take one look and i'm like... he looked beautiful to me. i mean, there he was, you know. >> yeah, he was so peaceful. >> i think the part that was hard is knowing that i wouldn't be able to hold him, realizing that he really was gone from his body and not, you know, coming back to me, and... even though, again, my logical mind understands, it's a hard realization. >> we bless you now, anthony john, with this holy water, that recalls the day you were reborn

in the living waters of baptism... >> i know there's things i want to believe, you know? i want to believe in a heaven, i want to believe that i'll see him again. you know, i want some connection with him to know that i can have that even when his life here is gone. ( priest chanting ) i think a lot of people have questions with religion, and certainly none of us knows for sure what happens, you know, after we pass. and there's a strangeness about sending your child first. i kind of feel like i have to take my own chances when the time comes, and i do that on my own terms. and i'm willing to accept the unknown for myself, but when you have to send someone first, it's harder to swallow.

>> i was happy we had carried anthony. that meant a lot to me. >> mm-hmm. >> i didn't really want anyone to do it except the two of us. i was glad we did that. we decided at the cemetery, right then, that we would lower him with our fathers. >> yeah. yeah. >> for me it wasn't, it wasn't as difficult as, like, taking his body from the house, putting it in the car or closing the casket. i think for me, once the casket was closed, that part was closed and i kept focusing on the fact

that the part of him that wasn't just his body was really gone. so, at that point for me it was, you know, his precious remains, you know, a place i like to go back to, but not him. so, there's the missing of him, knowing that now he's out of my reach. but for me, that part was more his remains and a reverent moment but not as painful for me as the other two.

>> "i'd rather it be february-- the month i first became a father in, the month my father died. i want it cold. i want a mess made in the snow so that the earth looks wounded, forced open, an unwilling participant. forego the tent, stand openly to the weather, get the larger equipment out of sight-- it's a distraction-- but have the sexton, all dirt and

indifference, remain at hand. go to the hole in the ground. stand over it. look into it. wonder and be cold. but stay until it's over. until it's done."

what i've written is that while the dead don't care, the dead matter. the dead matter to the living. in accompanying the dead, getting them where they need to go, we get where we need to be-- to the edge of that oblivion and then returned to life with the certain knowledge that life has changed.

>> next timfrontline, in the opium fields of afghanistan, a crop is destroyed, and so is a family. frontline tells the tragic story of afghan farmers forced to trade their daughters to drug traffickers to save their own lives. >> explore more about this story and the people you have met frontline's website. including the video of the verrinos' moving eulogy for their baby. >> our son knew the happiness of acceptance and unconditional love. >> ...and read more of the interview about their child and his short life, and other readings to explore about the intimate realities of

death and grief, the meaning and rituals of a funeral, americans' attitudes toward death, and what it means to be an undertaker. watch the program again online and join the discussion. share your own experiences with handling a loved one's funeral, or planning your own. follfrontline on facebook and twitter, or tell us what you think at pbs.org. >> frontline is made possible by contributions to your pbs station from viewers like you. thank you. and by the corporation for public broadcasting. major funding is provided by the john d. and catherine t. macarthur foundation, committed to building a more just, verdant, and peaceful world. and by reva & david logan, committed to investigative journalism as the guardian of the public interest. additional funding is provided

by the park foundation, dedicated to heightening public awareness of critical issues. and by tfrontline journalism fund, supporting investigative reporting and enterprise journalism. captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> for more on this and other frontline programs, visit our website at pbs.org. frontline"the undertaking" is available on dvd. to order, visit shoppbs.org or call 1-800-play-pbs. frontline is also available for

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