dad: no. karen: but why? because sleepovers... are the invention of the devil. but you let me go to alexa's sleepover. yep. and you watched the hills have eyes, and you didn't sleep for six months. and when we drove down to bristol, you said the cotswolds were staring at you. but you always go out. we haven't been out for... nine months. you went out that time not long ago. to your parents' evening. yes, but when you came in... you smelled like pub. ben, i don't understand why you-- stop it! no. now, which one is it? ohh. but, ben, what i don't get-- stop playing with the gas, will you? what i don't understand is, why did you tie floella to the climbing frame by her plaits? 'cause i didn't want her to fall off. do you think i'm going to believe that? i don't know yet. well, we're just going out to celebrate the fact that your mum's got a new job.

you're just going off and spending all the money on salad and beer. well... what's-- what's wrong with salad? it's too green. ben, you are-- thank you for waiting. hello? one of our operators will be with you... ohh. for a moment, i thought you were a real person. dad: are you sure that babysitter's coming? what you getting a babysitter for? we're going out, frank. well, i'm here. yes, you are here, but... you-- you'll want to watch tv and, um... it's a waste of money. i can look after 'em. no, you couldn't! karen! he burnt down his kitchen. dad: but that was an accident, karen. an accident waiting to happen. ( chuckles ) look, come on, i'll take you upstairs. i am the dad monster! no, no, no, no, no, no! you said that it wasn't safe to leave him on his own! oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! it's the dad monster! you said that it wasn't safe to leave him on his own! i know, but some things it's kinder not to repeat. look, you shouldn't have said that, should you? it's not fair, because he hurts my feelings,

and i'm not allowed to hurt his. he can't help it, though, can he, 'cause he's old. and i can't help it 'cause i'm young. keep-- listen, keep your voice down, because he's only next door. when you're old, you don't have to listen, and you can say, "oh, what did you say? oh? what's that? oh? what?" and you don't have to listen. you just say, "what? oh? oh, yeah, sure." but you don't actually hear. right. for the interactive versnon, press the red button. i don't want to press the red button! why am i gonna keep pressing the red button? ( audio stops ) right. there you are. switches off, you see. and besides, when you're old, you have this smell that... that you can always know that it's them, because they have a special smell, so that you know when they're near. right. like, a smell of... of what you do most. like, granddad's is forgetfulness.

he smells of forgetfulness. it's a nice smell, though, isn't it? not particularly. mum: pete, can you take over, please? yeah, come on. go on. go up and clean your teeth. go on. i've got to help your mum. just need to finish getting ready. karen, hurry up, please. why are all your operators busy? then get more operators. i thought people were cheap in india. life's cheap in india. sorry? two million children die every year before the age of 5. no, i wasn't saying i approve of the cheapness-- human life is obviously very imp-- ( fluttering sound ) god, the fridge is going nuts again. jake, you take the phone for a bit and let me know if any real people come on. indians are real people, dad. ( doorbell rings ) mum: i'll get it! is it the same babysitter as last time? no. why not? you know why not. pete, this is draxi, and, uh, this is ben.

hello, ben. oh. oh! that's karen. um, this is jake and jake's friend jo, but she'll be going home at some point. oh, you have nice children. ben: you take a turn listening. uh, right. there are snacks in the fridge. these are our mobile numbers, and this is a list of things that ben will try to tell you that aren't true. ( chuckles ) okay. and, uh, who is...? oh, that's my dad. he stay? yes. so, why i come to...? well, uh... he has early alzheimer's. uh...? dementia. they're saying he's... ben! oh, yes! i said not to do that. we told you not to do that. but he is safe, yes? oh, yes. okay, good. okay. well, you go. go have nice night. there is no problem. okay. we go. off we go. let's make a break for it. enjoy yourselves. mum: thanks! oh, yeah, and by the way, me and jo just thought

we'd nip out to the cinema, but that's cool, isn't it? right. have a good time. w-wait. wh-what, just the two of you? oh, no, there's a whole gang of us. we'll be back by 10:30, and it's not a school day tomorrow, so it's fine. 10:30, jake? you're only 12. well, jo's got the tickets already, and everyone else's parents have said yes. have your parents said yes. absolutely. they'll be cool. "they'll be cool"? can i hang up now? yeah. there's a stupid man who keeps asking me questions. oh, give it to me. i promise i'll be back by 10:30. hang on, hang on. is it the cineplex you're planning to go to? i'm sorry you've had to wait for someone to answer. i've had to wait 71 minutes! there's a big group of us. what are you so worried about? let me see. there was the drive-by shooting that happened there last week. that was outside. karen: he's right. yes, but to get to the inside, you have to go through the outside. well, how come everyone else's parents think it's fine. yes, how come? karen, can you stay out of this, please? if that sentence is going to end "transfer you to another department," please don't say it because i will stab myself.

( indistinct response ) no, not you. it's me i'll stab. no! myself! it's me! i'll stab myself! i'm sorry, jake, but i think this time, it has to be a no. oh, come on, dad, that's not fair. no, it isn't fair. he's put me back on hold again! is it tonight you're going out? yes. i was just explaining to jake... that it has to be a no. i'm afraid so, darling. well, is it tonight? yes, dad, it's tonight. what is wrong with you? yes, what is wrong with you? ( ben howling ) ben! ( ben howling ) don't do the wolf thing! because you said you were going out... you're being ridiculous. yes, you are being ridiculous. but karen's 6, and even she thinks you're being ridiculous. look, i don't get where i'm gonna die. i mean, what, i'm going to the cinema. bye-bye, draxi! oh, yeah, just leave. you're really good parents, aren't you? just walk off! and the thing about tyson is, he's hardly like a boss at all. he's always cracking jokes. he's so funny.

you would really like him. yeah, i'm sure. and he's so spontaneous. i mean, with someone like him, work isn't arind at all. well, that's good. that's, uh, that's good. that's, uh... that's good. sorry. i shouldn't keep banging on about him. now, look, i'm pleased you have such a fun boss. do you think we did the right thing with jake? should we have checked with the other parents? look, i don't know, but do you think just for once we could talk about something other than family stuff? yeah-- yeah, you're right. god, how long is it since we've been out together? oh... it's ages. it really is ages. yeah. ages. well, this is nice. yeah! yeah. you see, the thing is, draxi,

i've got to go to bed at eight, unless i play video games, because they're educational, and that means i'm allowed to go to bed at ten. you go to bed at 10:00? hmm. see? it's not on the list. ah, ben! ( clicks tongue ) funny boy! ( trilling sound ) it's just crap! it's not fair, is it? no. they all go on about respect, but they're not showing me any. no. it's double standards, that's what it is. stalin's organ grinder. that's what they call that rocket launcher. oh, great! look! now she's gonna give my ticket to billy! word of advice, jake-- never invade russia. if you do, you'll regret it. thanks, granddad. i'll try and remember that. our last babysitter went back to poland, where children are nice,

and she had a funny eye that kept going like this. and then she started to breathe really funny like this. ( hysterical panting ) it sounds very interesting, but i am from croatia. what do you know about croatia? well, it's full of crows, and it's in asia? croatia's people seek asylum, and then they're plumbers, and then our plumbers have no jobs and starve, but that's good because they're rubbish and they eat all our biscuits. there is only one thing you need to know in croatia. we kicked your butts at football twice! now, time for bed. draxi, do you think... ben's hair looks like a girl, 'cause that's what floella said at school. no. looks like buffalo-- very strong, very cool. is this what girl at school say? you no worry, ben. she's bitch. now, time for bed. but granddad has the big tv,

and bed is boring. we play games! yeah! yes! how's your...? it's a bit cold, actually. i think it's supposed to be cold. in that case, it's a bit warm. listen, sue... about your dad... i really don't think it's safe for him to go and live back at his place. oh, god, i know. sometimes he seems so completely fine, and... oh, god, tyson told us this heartbreaking story about his dad. he actually filled up at one point when he-- did he? look, your dad-- if he's not safe to leave on his own with the children, then we're going to have to have a chat with him about... what's practical. yeah, but not at the weekend, not with children around. it's not a very good time. but there is no good time. no, i suppose not. oh, sod it.

let's talk thim when we get home tonight. when we're a bit drunk, you mean? is this table satisfactory for madame? it's nice, yes. here is, um, our menu, and special today is cocoa pops. yes, okay. yes, please. this one. i'll have cocoa pops as well. excuse me, sir, have you made a reservation? ben: no. sorry, we're full. what do you mean, you're full? it's full with pretend people. well, of course they are pretend people. it's my pretend restaurant, and i can do what like. now, i'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir. we have a "no boys" rule. 'm sorry, sir, we have a 'no boys' rule." and we have a "no hair like girls" rule. well, that means you've got hair like a girl! but i am a girl, so it doesn't matter! whoa, whoa, whoa. okay. hey, hey, hey, okay. you can eat with me, hm? you are my date.

we will both have the cocoa pops. all right, then. they'll all be coming out of the cineplex now-- jo and billy and the rest of them-- and 12 mums and dads are totally cool about it. well, six mums and four dads, 'cause shanta and billy don't have-- well, they do have dads, but... there was this girl when i was young, jake. and what happened? pearl harbor. word of advice, jake. never trust... both: ...the japanese. thanks, granddad. thank you, ben, for taking me to nice restaurant. hello, ben? ben, why you not talk to me? because it's a date, and i'm playing hard to get. joey told chandler that's what girls like. do you watch friends? yes, who is your favorite character? your cocoa pops, madame. thank you. and... yours.

that's not how you treat a customer. you treat a customer with respect. that's the worst service i've ever had. if you had a restaurant, yours wouldn't be any better! ( both arguing ) okay! okay! time out! peace, peace, love! it was very nice food. thank you very much. my-- my date and i must leave, so, please, may we have the bill? here's your bill. it was rubbish service! okay, here is your money. i'm sorry, we don't accept 0retend money. oh. that's okay. my date. he'll pay. so, is tyson black? no. why? well, "tyson," you know, it's one of those names you can get away with if you're black, but if you're white, it's just a bit... well... well, i shouldn't think he named himself. he did, actually. ( glass shatters ) woman: leave me alone! god, i wish the w.i. would hold their meeting somewhere else. what do you mean "he did, actually"? he was christened thomas.

i was doing a bit of general googling the other night, and i thought for fun i would google your new employer. you were spying? not spying, sue. i was googling. anyway, i'm pleased you got this new job. i was just taking an interest. and, anyway, i was really intrigued as to what kind of company would offer a job to someone like yourself. and what is "myself" like? well, a mother... with limited hours returning to the work environment. are you saying you're surprised that tyson offered me the job? god, no, no, no, no! i mean, i would offer you a job like a shot. it's just that you don't have any actual experience of web design, and tyson seems very relaxed about... do you feel threatened by him? i don't think i could feel threatened by someone who calls himself tyson. right. it just seemed unu3ually well paid. are you saying that you think he only offered me the job because he fcied me? don't be ridiculous.

ridiculous? no, not-- not-- not-- not ridiculous. i mean, he might well fancy y. i mean, i-i'd fancy you. i do fancy you, and he probably f-- i was just googling. pudding? ( distant siren wails ) so call us now! the number's on the screen... oh, god, it's there again. go! bloody well go away! dad, okay? what? i've lost the history channel, and now all these people keep telling me to phone them. well, they're shopping channels. shop...? ( laughing ) ( faint crash; children laughing ) draxi? everything all right, draxi? you okay? hello! hello! so, everyone's still up at 11:15. they could not sleep, so i teach karen 5-card stud. she teach me cartwheel. ben, he bump shelf during kickboxing.

there is little blood, but he's okay, and shelf, i fix. ben was doing kickboxing? yes. it was not on the list. okay, ben, karen, up to bed like you promised. 'night, dad. night-night! ben: good night, draxi. nice evening? yeah. ( ascending footsteps ) lovely.m ( ascending footsteps ) there you go. the decision to drop the bomb... ah, hiroshima. that's more like it. oh, bullocks. what are you doing? i'm just seeing if we've been reconnected. oh, look. here comes eisenhower. i think that driver's the bird he was knocking off. thank you, simon schama. draxi: 'bye, karen! 'bye, ben! i love your hair! ben: 'bye, draxi! your children very nice, very fun. i-if you like, i come again. again? you would be prepared to come again? yes! oh. right. well, thank you. bye-bye. jake: what time do you call this?

what? you said you'd be back at eleven. no, we only said "about." well, you should be back at the time you said you'd be back. look, i know you're upset, and i know it's not about jo, but why don't you ask her over tomorrow? you really think she'd come round after the way you two behaved? i'm really disappointed in you, and you both need to go away and have a good think about what you've done. you've embarrassed me, and you've embarrassed yourselves. oh, forget it! ( snickering ) ( door slams ) that hurt! do you think he noticed the giggling? oh, no, no, no, no. you were very subtle. ( chuckles softly ) oh, look, i'm sorry about the googling and the fancying and the... look, i'm just sorry. granddad: blimey, i'm knackered! nice night, was it? yeah. dad...

there's something that we've been meaning to talk to you about for a while now. is this about not lifting up the toilet seat? yeah. yeah, it is. oh, sorry about that. i'm not quite the sharp shooter i used to be. sorry. i promise we'll talk to him in the morning. i've been blaming that toilet seat thing on ben! ( car alarm blares ) ( mum inhales sharply ) oh. council think we're late paying the council tax. yeah, well, they didn't collect the christmas trees off the pavement till march. that's what i call late. oh! here's another one! 'least we're both earning, now. yeah, and if you go for that head of history job-- there's no future in history. well... they'll abolish it soon.

okay. we'll talk to him this morning. aye-aye. deep depression, heading this way. 'morning, mum. 'morning, dad. sleep all right? yeah, good. you? ah, yeah. yeah, i did. thanks for asking. well, now i'm really bewildered. my guess is, he's had a text from jo. actually, i don't know why i said that. i had a terrible night. i was down here at four ringing the phone company. four a.m.? i thought there'd be less of a queue, and i was right, and there was a really helpful woman. she even found our job number. you mean they fixed it? no, don't be silly, but she did say she would get her supervisor to ring the first thing he got in this morning. i'm glad you're still alive! sorry? oh, i had, um, i had a dream last night that there was this big rolling pin with spikes, and two of them here, w. and then you tried to get through them, but-- but they killed you

before you could get to the lovely, nice teddies. you got crushed. so you dreamt that i was killed by a large rolling pin, with spikes? yeah. okay. why do we have the nightmares, because isn't your brain on your side? yeah, the brain's-- the brain's on your side. and one time i woke up, and i only had four fingers like the simpsons. i went into ben's room, and he had-- and he had my fingers all taped on. and so he had... one, two, three, four, five... he had six fingers, all on one hand. you sure that's a dream? it does sound like something ben might do. ( indistinct game show question ) the bank. sandra, who wrote war and peace? bank. what is the capital of italy? rome. bank. who captained england to victory in the... bank it! do you have dreams, and can you remember your dreams? granddad: bank it! i had a very weird dream last night, in fact, about your mum and your mum'3 boss.

i don't even know him, but i knew it was him, and he and your mum were in a football am together. well, that's-- that's probably us working together. yeah. and then you were on this coach. wonder what we were doing on a coach. you were playing away from home. granddad: bank it! ben. have you had any dreams? yeah. i had a dream about this girl who lives in spain. she stumbled into a forest where, like, there's this big cave where a creature is, and a rule says, "do not take his food," but the silly old girl does, and then the creature chases the girl, going... rrraaaaagggghhhh! 'cause he has his eyes in his hands. and that was it. that's the plot to pan's labyrinth, isn't it? oh, all right. ( cell phone rings ) that'll be... the supervisor. hello? oh, shut your poxy mouth!

it's okay. just one of those recorded sales pitch things. can i watch cartoons? yeah, okay, but don't come into the living room. why not? because we are going to have an important chat with your granddad. aren't we? ( cell phone chimes ) ben: is that from jo? mind your own business. you know what you need to do with jo? you need to give her space. can you shut up? i'm trying to concentrate here. how can you give something space? it's nothing. if you don't give her space, she'll look for commitment. what's "commitment"? i have no idea... but that's what tricia said. she's not a girlfriend. she's just a friend who's a girl. girlfriends like men who are rich, who spoil them, and shoot animals that get inside their cupboard. no, they don't! girls like... um, girlfriends like things like... when men give them pink bunnies. girlfriends like it when men shoot pink bunnies.

you two are such idiots. you don't know anything. just be quiet, all right? they like, um... and girls like-- and girls like men who wear-- who wear lynx aftershave, and who wear their hairdo at mes your hair all spiky, like a mountain, and who eat kellogg's crunchies, and... who know a lot about car tax. the thing is, frank, we need to talk to you about the future. ah. is this about making a will? 'cause i don't mind. i'm not gonna be here forever. actually, you've already made a will, dad. do you remember? the do-it-yourself one? oh, well, that's all right, then. except that it's invalid because you got terry and pat to witness it. i left them the shed. yeah, and that's why it's not valid, frank, because you named them as beneficiaries, and you're not allowed to do that. ah, so do you want the shed, then? no, i don't want the shed! this isn't about the shed. girls want a boyfriend, and boys want a girlfriend.

what's the point when all they do is beg, beg, beg for your money and watch their favori flower programs? you two are driving me nuts! that's not the point of them. it's that you have some company, 'cause otherwise, when you come home there'll be no one there. i'll have pets. well, with a pet... you have to clean up all its toilet mess. and with a-- a with a girlfriend, you don't. um... see, the thing is, dad-- i've got to ean that shed out when i get home. actually, dad, that's sort of what we need to talk to you about, because we don't think that you can really go home. what? haven't you got it fixed? you should have got some poles in. we did, and it is fixed. ben: can we get some biscuits? yeah, yeah. can i shave my head? yes. no! ben! ben! do not shave your head! ( karen laughing )

we just don't think that you should live there alone, frank. i'm not gonna burn it down twice, am i? dad, the thing is... i was right! you did embarrass her! jake, not now, please. now she doesn't want to come round tomorrow. she's gone to the shopping center with other people. jake, come on, you're a grownup. oh, now i'm a grownup, am i? that's a development! come on, jake. you're coming to the petrol station with me. we need some milk. come on. anything you have to say, you can say then. get it yourself. why do we have to go to the petrol station? ( door closes ) you see, dad, the problem is... that you're not well. your memory's not what it was, and you get confused sometimes. oh, the doc'll take care of that. well, no, he won't. look, dad... you're not going to get better. you're going to get worse. ( cell phone rings ) karen: get it down! we've spoken to mr. abraham, your solicitor,

because we thought you trusted him. i've never minded the jews. right. well, anyway, he said the first thing you have to do is sign this enduring power of attorney so that pete and i can carry out your wishes when you... when you've lost the ability to... it's rakesh for you. it's about the phone line. he's a supervisor. oh, tell him... ( sighs ) ...tell him i can't talk to him right now. um, she-- do this thing before i've lost what ability? well, before you've lost the ability to... you upset about something, sue? no, no, no. what i'm trying to say, dad, is you have to give me and pete for when... you lose the ability...

to make decisions. oh. right. have you understood wha< i've said? yeah. you're saying i'm as good as i'm ever going to be, and so i've got to sign this thing. yeah. yeah, that's... that's it. have you got any questions you want to ask me? yeah. do you want the shed or not? yesterday, mummy said she was going to hunt you down and kill you like dogs. what? really? everybody? cup of tea, dad? okay. who are you talking to? no, it's been nice... talking to you, rakesh. is he still? karen don't! ohh! nicean. ( sighs ) was he? very. oh, and he's reconnecting everything. but-- but i spent days trying to-- it was easy, and, mummy, you do make such a drama out of everything.

you cannot back down in the face of that stuff, sue. that is where neville chamberlain went wrong. he's not neville chamberlain! he's 8! aaahhh, yu! there's been three train crashes, all of them in kent. do you think he'll get to a stage where he won't be able to remember who are? oh, hi. how was your game?

>> ♪ standing by the river.