if there's another outburst we're gonna let bob hope get up and do his jokes! >> why am thanking don rickles? what has this dummy ever done for me? oh yeah, gave me a minute in his dressing room once, told me he was a big star, gave me a cookie, and told me to go away. i'm rollin', i'm rollin'. i'm a nice guy--am i going too fast for you, don? >> i said, "jimmy, why are you here?" "i don't really know." >> you're not as dumb as you look, boy. >> it's such a great thing to see all these wonderful guests, dean, to see howard cosell. and i'll tell you, howard, from the bottom of my heart, you can't even tell, it's perfect. come on, senator, i laughed at you when you lost. a man that we all respect and love, democrat or republican, he's the former senator from minnesoter, he is the distinguished senator from minnesoter. he will be the former senator from minnesoter very shortly. >> it's not minnesoter, it's minnesota. >> minnesota.

>> not soter. >> look who's giving me diction lessons. >> when i think of the dean martin roasts, i think of feeling like i'm suddenly opening a door, and being invited into a very select circle. >> occasionally they do long shots where you get to see everybody on both sides of the dais, and it's like a last supper of entertainment. i mean, it is ridiculous. >> it made it look like it was the coolest club to be part of. >> it's always a pleasure to see lovely phyllis diller. over there, look at that face. so, phyllis, were there any survivors? >> grab a seat on the dais for the hottest, most hilarious party in town. introducing the dean martin celebrity roasts from starvista entertainment and time life. when dean called, the biggest stars in hollywood put on their tuxedos, caught the next flight to vegas,

and left their egos at home. >> dean, i like you to know that i cancelled a proctologist appointment to be here tonight. and i think i made a mistake. >> use the cigar, you may get a laugh. ell mr. bere what to do with this cigar. you were right, i got a laugh. >> now for the first time ever, you've got a vip seat at the funniest, most outrageous roasts dean ever threw, featuring the biggest stars of all time, bob hope, jimmy stewart, sammy davis jr. >> why are we giving this man a dinner when some of the greatest ilians never got a dinner? sophia loren's new baby, who said to sophia,

"is that all for me?" never got a dinner. >> they only roasted the ones they loved. >> what a night. who are we honoring? >> and sometimes love hurts. >> ladies and gentlemen, the next lovely star that i'm about to introduce is the star of police woman. i'm happily married. i think of this lady often. i...wanna be with her so bad. >> bob would do well in politics. he certainly has to be one of the most familiar faces in america. he's entertained over ten million troops, been seen by more than a hundred million tv viewers, and if you throw in the 27 people who've seen his movies, you have a pretty sizable constituency. >> i always wanted to meet henry fonda. henry fonda, you and jesse in the bar and with frank,

the whole thing with jackie cooper, you were so good. henry, god bless you. now it's time to quit. >> order now to own all 18 complete classic roasts plus two dvds jam-packed with exclusive bonus material, scandalous new interviews, and featurettes including rare home movies. plus you'll receive a special gift to remember dean by: a collectible memory book full of personal photos and side splitting zingers from dean's famous friends. >> jack benny is the real father of the brady bunch. >> this collection is all yours for just five easy payments of $19.99 each. >> the shows we have to do just to help you pay alimony. >> plus, order in the next 19 minutes and we'll send you two free bonus dvds full of the very best of dean's legendary variety show. see dean sing, dance, and laugh with his old friends all over again. and that's not all. we're so sure these roasts

will leave you howling that we'll ship them to you absolutely free. >> it's nice being introduced by paino. the only difference between us, i'm 100% italian and you're 80 proof. >> this is an exclusive offer that's not available in stores. you'll get 18 star studded roasts, hours of exclusive bonus material, including the home movies and the memory book, plus seven classic dean martin variety shows. that's 12 dvds for just five payments of $19.99 each. we'll even ship it for free. don't miss last call, order now. warning, the following jokes are irreverent, blasphemous, and potentially offensive. >> danny's always preached religion to me. he was the first one to lead me to the promised land... one of the better massage parlors in las vegas. >> i loved doing the roasts. i wish i'd done more of them. >> what was enjoyable about it

was seeing the audience have such a great time. >> the people that were on it were, you know, exciting. they were outstanding artists. >> dean's roasts set the stage for some of tv's most memorable moments, like the time ruth buzzi took on muhammad ali. >> there's something i wanna say to this bronze bully. listen, jive turkey! >> he floated like a butterfly and she stung like a bee. >> i was really, really going for him, and that was why because i thought he didn't like me. and if you wanna make something of it, i want you to meet me out in the parking lot, and we'll have it out man to man! >> and when dean set his sights on jimmy stewart, the whole room got in on the roast. >> we arrived in vegas last night and we went to see a show, and it turned out to be a nude review. and while the naked girls were dancing on stage, jimmy kept nudging me, asking, "w-w-hen d-does the j-j-juggler come on?"

>> you're probably imitated by more people than anybody in show business. and the reason is it's so easy to do. i mean, anybody could do jimmy stewart. then the whole audience did it. i want you to put your hands out, now look through the tops of your eyes, and at the count of three, everybody go "wah." ready, one, two, three. >> wah! >> that's good, that's fine. that's what i'm talking about. >> some of our favorite stars were dean's favorite targets. >> i am here tonight to honor betty white, which gives you an idea of what's happening to my career. >> it was such fun because dean was such fun. and when i got there, i was assuming it's a long dais of, you know, all my very close, best friends. i didn't know half the people. orson welles was on the dais.

i had never met orson welles. >> instead of brutal insults and coarse jokes, i on the other hand have brought you a little nosegay in verse. "of all the lovely ladies on tv who grace our screen by night, the lass with class who steams my glass is lovely betty white." >> these were legends. >> they had great senses of humor, and they took as much as they gave. >> wonderful, off color jokes. >> bob hope became a big movie star. he made paramount studios what it is today, an empty lot next to a cemetery. >> grab a seat on the dais for the hottest, most hilarious party in town. introducing the dean martin celebrity roasts from starvista entertainment and time life. when dean called, the biggest stars in hollywood put on their tuxedos, caught the next flight to vegas, and left their egos at home. >> put your hand out like this and just kind of shake it.

that's good, that's good, that's good. now i want you to kind of look through the tops of your eyes, and give it that... >> like that? >> no, no, kind of squint them a little bit, and bend over just a bit there. that's better. now i want you to say-- >> i feel terrible. >> now, for the first time ever, you've got a vip seat at the funniest, most outrageous roasts dean ever threw, featuring the biggest stars of all time: johnny carson, lucille ball, jackie gleason-- >> and as i stand here tonight, looking at you, angie dickinson, two things are running through my mind. the second one is... >> muhammad is always sayin' that he's pretty. i mean, anybody would look pretty if the only men you ever stood next to are howard cosell and joe frazier. >> don is, uh, is my best-- my best friend.

which just gives you some idea of the difficulty i have in making friends. >> they only roasted the ones they loved. >> oh, jimmy, jimmy. >> and sometimes, love hurts. >> i see milton berle sitting over there. i don't know why they're always putting your act down. it must be good. you've been doing the same material for 40 years. >> i'm lookin' forward to my 40th birthday, honey. >> yeah, well, just keep on lookin' 'cause you goin' the wrong direction. >> is this gonna be an x-rated movie? >> yes, it's x-rated because we use all her ex-husbands. >> order now to own all 18 complete classic roasts, plus two dvds jam-packed with exclusive bonus material, scandalous new interviews, and featurettes including rare home movies. plus, you'll receive a special gift to remember dean by:

a collectible memory book, full of personal photos and side-splitting zingers from dean's famous friends. >> don rickles is a bed-wetter. >> this collection is all yours for just five easy payments of $19.99 each. >> bob newhart made the claim that he was my closest friend. i have never met bob newhart. >> plus, order in the next 11 minutes, and we'll send you two free bonus dvds, full of the very best of dean's legendary variety show. see dean sing, dance, and laugh with his old friends all over again. and that's not all. we're so sure these roasts will leave you howling that we'll ship them to you absolutely free. >> now, kirk didn't just get to be a bad actor overnight. he struggled at it. >> this is an exclusive offer that's not available in stores. you'll get 18 star-studded roasts, hours of exclusive bonus material, including the home movies, and the memory book, plus seven classic dean martin variety shows.

that's 12 dvds for just five payments of $19.99 each. we'll even ship it for free. don't miss last call. order now! warning: the following jokes are politically incorrect and may be insulting to women. >> i could go on for hours about television's first lady, about her beauty, her talent, her humanity. but it seems silly to talk about mary tyler moore when we're here to honor this bimbo. >> it was such an education to watch them. >> there were so many people with their own personalities that i was able to make fun of. >> it's like an endless couch on johnny carson's tonight show. >> whenever i'm stuck with a bunch of dull guests on the tonight show, i can always count on bob newhart to run right over and blend in. >> johnny carson has a-- you know, the--the thing. all the little things that he did, i think there were 22 different little ticks that he had, so i went through them all. stiff back, fixing tie knot, looking around,

hands out to side, hands behind back, hands in pocket, right hand in back of left, right hand hitting palm of left. cutoff sign, finger under eye, finger under nose, finger twirl. he's doing some now. finger in air. fix cuffs, head snap with small groan. blinking, indian yell, pencil banging on ashtray, rubbing eyes with one hand, steve allen's laugh. golf swing and jack benny's number two look. that was a good shot. i had a ball doing him. hey, how--how about this? how about this weather we're--we're having out here in california, isn't it wild?

isn't it wild? isn't it something? huh? no. it was--it was so windy, it was so windy in cali-- now don't--don't rush the bit here. it was so windy in california today. it was--are you ready for this? are you ready for this? this--this biggie? it was-- no, it was so windy. it was so windy, while doc was helping tommy newsom chase his kite, he lost all the feathers off his raincoat. >> dean martin was the ultimate man's man. >> you don't remember me,

but i was your first wife. >> men wanted to be him. >> he was the funniest. he was certainly the most charming. >> and women loved him. >> i think any woman that ever worked with dean would get a crush on him. >> he was perfect for that show, because you could make all the sex jokes and get away with them. >> i remember the famous words of earl scheib, who once said to angie dickinson, "you don't need a whole paint job. just let me touch up your body." >> and when the ladies came on the show, they held their own with the big boys. >> funny part of it is, i find her attractive. no, not that! not that attractive! >> i do admit that i had my skin tightened. everybody knows that, i'm not saying how much.

let me just put it this way. if the knot ever lets go... i can slingshot this whole room to death. >> you know, during my lifetime, i've had audiences with the pope, i've dined with presidents, but being here tonight with people in my own business, i can honestly say how great it was being with the pope and the president. >> which one is betty white? get a bunch of you albinos on one dais and you all look alike. >> dean's roasts weren't for the weak, because the jokes were no holds barred. >> can a black man ever become president? he said, "yes, if he runs against a mexican." >> i've always found that polish jokes are in poor taste.

till i met ted. >> one of the greatest black men of our day, rufus johnson, said in augusta, georgia, "run, baby, run!" and the jew was right behind him, saying, "look, i'll sell you a bike." >> but from starlets to sports stars, everyone was willing to let it all hang out. as long as they could hang out with dean. >> i guess i'll just thank my friends and then you can zing 'em from there. it's nice seeing you here, red. uh, dean. >> okay. red's the only man i know who ever went to the salvation army and never got a dinner. >> you see how good it is when your hitman's an italian? >> we only roasted the ones we love. >> it's unusual to have the guy sitting there while you're crucifying him. >> i don't think there were any comedians at the time

who were anyone who were not on these roasts. >> to think that all these lovely people flew all the way to las vegas and got all dressed up and came down here just to insult me. >> grab a seat on the dais for the hottest, mt hilarious party in town. introducing the dean martin celebrity roasts from starvista entertainment and time life. when dean called, the biggest stars in hollywood put on their tuxedos, caught the next flight to vegas, and left their egos at home. >> don rickles always reminds me of a blindfolded massage lady. >> a blindfolded massage lady? >> you never know where she's gonna strike next. >> i would like to say to you, bob, i've never liked you. you've always annoyed me, i don't see how you became a star. gene kelly always said to me, "how did he become a star?" gene, tell him what you said to me. >> now, for the first

time ever, you've got a vip seat at the funniest, most outrageous roasts dean ever threw, featuring the biggest stars of all time: jack benny, betty white, muhammad ali. >> why are they giving this man a roast when some of the greatest black people in the history of the world never got a dinner? wilt chamberlain's mother, who once said kids don't look up to their parents anymore. never got a dinner. >> they only roasted the ones they loved. >> what a night! who are we honoring? >> and sometimes, love hurts. >> what would a dais be without jack benny and george burns? a wake, that's what. >> really, phyllis, the years have been kind to you. it's, uh, the weeks in between you louse yourself up. >> bette has always suffered in every picture she has ever made.

when i appeared with her in elizabeth in essex, she gave up her beauty. in dark victory, she gave up her eyesight, and in the virgin queen... she gave up her hobby. >> order now to own all 18 complete classic roasts, plus two dvds jam-packed with exclusive bonus material, scandalous new interviews, and featurettes including rare home movies. plus, you'll receive a special gift to remember dean by: a collectible memory book, full of personal photos and side-splitting zingers from dean's famous friends. >> bob, you made me what i am today. depressed. >> this collection is all yours for just five easy payments of $19.99 each. >> i gotta tell you, man, i gotta tell you. >> plus, order in the next three minutes, and we'll send you two free bonus dvds, full of the very best of dean's legendary

variety show. see dean sing, dance, and laugh with his old friends all over again. and that's not all. we're so sure these roasts will leave you howling that we'll ship them to you absolutely free. >> i was never so embarrassed in my life. his first time in synagogue, the rabbi walked out, sammy jumped out and hollered, "here come the judge." >> this is an exclusive offer that's not available in stores. you'll get 18 star-studded roasts, hours of exclusive bonus material, including the home movies, and the memory book, plus seven classic dean martin variety shows. that's 12 dvds for just five payments of $19.99 each. we'll even ship it for free. don't miss last call. order now! >> it's a great catalog for that period. >> dean to me was one of the funniest, funniest men i had ever been around. >> you know, i thought, "hey, i'm not, you know, rubbin' shoulders with the best, i'm rubbin' shoulders with the legends of the world." >> dean was the coolest. >> i said to him, "dean,

its always sex, and drinking and carousing," i said, "don't you know what good, clean fun is?" he said, "no, what good is it?" >> and his roasts were the hottest. >> it's a very proud and happy night for me, and so i just thought that i couldn't let it go by without coming by and giving a kiss to the man i love. >> almost every tv comedian of course uses cue cards. but bob's the only one i know who uses them at house parties. he even used cue cards on his wedding night. can you imagine a man not knowing what to say on his wedding night? he was so nervous he finally threw up his hands and shouted,

"not now, sweetheart, i have a headache." and his wife, dolores, said, "bob, you're reading my card." >> now you can join the party any time you like. >> it takes many years to be a great comedian. >> it sure does and you haven't even reached that year yet. >> order now to get this glamorous, hilarious, raucous, classic collection of dean martin celebrity roasts and bring the party home. >> that's about it, except i'd like to thank all of you on the dais for your friendship and i want you to know i'll remember this night until i get to my car. >> order now!

>> announcer: the following is a paid advertisement for dr. bader's pest cures, brought to you by telebrands. [whoosh] >> hi everybody, i'm forbes riley. ooh, oh! did you ever get surprised by a little spider or an ant or worse, a cockroach in your house? well, this guy isn't real, but there are tons of creepy crawlers from spiders to ants, icky earwigs and even mice in your home. and what do you do when you find one? well, if you're like me, you take out your shoe and you start smashing 'em or you take one of those harsh chemical sprays that kills them. but that's also dangerous to your family, your kids and even your pets. so if you've got pests, you're not going to want to miss today's show because i'm going

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them. >> let's get rid of them. >> i want to replace them with what you've written becausi can't live without your book. i mean, there are things in here i'd never heard of before. >> well, that's exactly it. i mean, these have been handed down from generation to generation. i interviewed farmers in the midwest, i interviewed everybody i could possibly find to get natural solutions that really work. everything in the book works. >> well, i know, i've tested a lot of them. i'm a huge fan of yours, a lot of your books i have. finally, not having to take sprays and harsh chemicals. i mean, you look right here on page 140, there's a way to get rid of ants-- i love this! >> everything. everything you can possible think of, every insect, every critter, every bug, you'll find in the book with an easy solution with things that you have around the house. >> o.k., myles, you got a little something on your shoulder there. >> i do? >> yes! >> oh gosh, it's a spider. >> yes, it is a spider. i don't like spiders. i try to get them out of my house. we have a lot of them in florida, but there's that old joke if you kill a female spider, her eight million babies get really mad at you. but the truth is in my house, it's her babies or my babies. >> well, you know, spiders are beneficial, so we don't want to kill 'em, but... come on over here and i'll show you how to get rid of them naturally.

>> oh, o.k., now that's a really big spider. >> that's a really big spider. if you've got a spider that big in your house, i'd move. really fast. to get rid of spiders, all you have to do is mix some white vinegar with coconut oil and put it in a spray bottle, spray all the corners in your home, you will never see another spider. they do not like coconut oil and vinegar. now, if you want to get rid of ants, all you have to do is take bay leaves. put bay leaves in all the drawers of your kitchen, your sugar container, your flour container, everything. put a bay leaf in there and you'll never see an ant around there. now, take some white vinegar, put it in a spray bottle, spray your counters and that'll take care of the problem on your counters. >> so all these secrets and more, they're right here in this book-- i mean, it'll pay for itself in no time. >> oh, there's no doubt about it. everything is natural, everything is in the book. silverfish-- you want to use a white powder there, it's called diatomaceous earth, d.e. >> diatom-- what? >> diatomaceous earth. you get it in any garden supply, nursery, use food-grade, not pool-grade and it's safe for the children and pets. >> so i can touch this? >> it's harmless. it's got little spicules in there that get into the insect or bug and kill 'em, but it's

harmless to humans, kids and pets. >> so it's going to get rid of this icky guy? ooh. >> get rid of him. he's gone. >> o.k. >> this is really great. if you want to get rid of mosquitoes and flies, all you do is take some basil. put some basil in a muslin bag or a cheesecloth bag, hang a couple bags around the house. you will never have a flying insect in your home. it's that easy. now-- >> now, here's the thing, it is so easy. and if you do simply turn the page to the table of contents, all the different bugs, they're all right here. you simply turn the page, find the solution, get rid of the pest. >> by the way, with the basil, if you put a little catnip in there, it'll activate it even more, as long as you don't own a cat. otherwise, it'll drive them crazy. now, if you want to get rid of mice, any kind of rodent, take some oil of peppermint. put oil of peppermint on a cotton ball, place it anywhere you have a rodent problem. you will never see another rodent. >> drive them away, they don't die. >> they don't die. you're driving them away. they're allergic to oil of peppermint, so they really get out of the way. >> o.k., 'cause i once bought that sticky little pad and the poor little mouse was sitting there dead in my garage. it was horrible. >> i don't really like tha