@ and now abc's "jimmy kimmel @live"! @>> dicky: from hollywood, it's @"jimmy kimmel live"! @tonight, nathan fillion. @from espn, jalen rose. @music from father john misty. @with cleto and the cletones. @and now, stay put, here's jimmy @kimmel!

@>> jimmy: welcome, i'm jimmy, @i'm the host of the show. @thank you for watching. @thanks to all of you for coming. @i appreciate it. @we have a lot to talk about @tonight. @i want to start with cat bate. @a lot of you are here on @vacation but how many of you @watched the debate last night? @[ cheers and applause ] @i figure about 63% are lying but @we'll go with it. @turned out it was the @highest-rated debate for the @democrats ever. @more than 15 million people @tuned in to watch hillary @clinton, bernie sanders, and the @three high school principals @they invited to fill out the @stage. @anyone name the other guys in @the debate? @okay, it was jim webb, the @former senator from virginia, @former maryland governor martin @o'mally @o'mally, the guy who comes in

@the picture frames. @and former rhode island governor @lincoln chafee, who appears to @have wandered in accidentally @from a bird-watching competition @or expedition. @there wasn't much in the way of @fireworks especially compared to @the republican debate last @night. @this one felt like a slightly @uncomfortable night at a book @club. @the most interesting part was @the introduction. @the debate was in las vegas. @the intro for it was very, very @las vegas. @>> announcer: tonight, the first @democratic debate of this @presidential race. @it's a critical test for a party @superstar who's been down this @road before. @hillary clinton. @the front-runner. @facing questions about her @record, her e-mails, and the @strength of her support. @bernie sanders. @the surprise threat. @gaining in the polls. @dissed by critic hot doubt he @can go the distance. @the other is an 11-time world @champion, undefeated at 47-0.

@athlete in the world. @[ cheers and applause ] @>> jimmy: bernie sanders. @most of the experts, they rate @these things afterwards. @most of the experts thought @hillary won the debate, although @some said bernie sanders won. @no one said any of the others @won, not even them. @sanders supporters pointed to @the fact that bernie was the @most googled of all the @candidates during the debate. @sounds like a big thing until @you realize the top questions @they googled included, who is @bernie sanders? @and, is bernie sanders jewish? @anderson cooper tried to make a @case that bernie sanders isn't @electable because he calls @himself a socialist. @i think that's the least of his @problems. @i think he isn't electable @because he calls himself bernie. @who's going to vote for a @president bernie? @you'd spend a weekend with @bernie, yeah. @four years? @i don't know. @i really don't. @joe biden, for whom cnn left an

@empty podium just in case he @decided to suddenly run for @president, was not in las vegas @for the debate. @or was he? @now look at this. @>> it's about time we have paid @family leave for american @families enand zone the rest of @the world. @>> i'd like you to stop on that @guy. @does that guy look familiar to @you at all? @let's take off the beard. @it's vice president biden. @[ cheers and applause ] @donald trump was live tweeting @the debate last night. @this morning he told abc news he @thought clinton got through it @fine was the quote. @which is the highest compliment @he can give a woman without @marrying her. @it really is. @mike huckabee tweeted something @crazy. @attention. @he tweeted during the debate, i @trust bernie sanders with my tax @dollars like i trust a north @korean chef with my labrador.

@dennis rodman fly to arkansas to @kick mike huckabee's ass for @that remark? @i was very busy watching the @baseball games last night. @last night the chicago cubs @advanced to the national league @championship series, justice was @predicted in "back to the future @2," it's coming true. @any postseason win at all is a @big thing for cubs fans. @the cubs, they haven't won a @world series since 1908, which @is 1,000 years ago. @this is the first time they've @ever clinched a playoff series @at wrigley field which gave cubs @fans and their deceased loved @ones something to celebrate. @>> i brought my dad. @dad grew up in the neighborhood, @life long cubs fan. @he just would love every minute @of what's going on. @>> your father's ashes are in @that bottle? @>> my father's ashes are in the @bottle. @i have them in a safety cup -- a @safety cap on so he doesn't @spill everywhere. @>> jimmy: that's right.

@dad's ashes in the windy city, @make sure there's a safety cap. @her father's name is ritalin, by @the way. @good news for those who are @sitting in our audience tonight. @according to a new study by two @british universities, and those @are the best ones because they @have british people in them, @sitting does not increase your @risk of death. @which is the opposite of what @we've been told over the last @five years. @makes you wonder why should we @believe this study? @depends where you're stud @sitting. @for instance if you're sitting @on train tracks the risk of @death is higher. @this is very exciting. @i got one of those standup desks @and it's a pain. @i'm glad i don't have to stand @up. @using the bathroom has been very @challenging for me since i @started standing up. @the weather channel, i don't @know if you heard, again, @they've released a list of @winter storm names for the @season. @the fourth year they've done @this. @no one's ever asked them to do @this.

@students in the latin club at a @high school in montana. @some of the names are kaila, @lexie, bella. @which i think means the kids in @the latin club are watching @online pornography. @ajax, regis, yolo. @isn't it bad enough to lose your @house in a storm? @you have to lose it to a storm @named yolo? @it would be ironic to be killed @by a winter storm yolo, wouldn't @it? @you do only live once. @this is exciting action next @week we're taking our show to @brooklyn, new york. @five shows at brooklyn academy @of music. @[ cheers and applause ] @bill murray, howard stern, @jay-z, michael j. fox, bradley @cooper, misty copeland the @ballerina is going to teach @guillermo and i how to do @ballet. @we're going to the bronx zoo @with tracy morgan. @donald trump is going to be with @us.

@shaffer will be leading the band @with cleto while we're there. @we have surprises too. @it's going to be a lot of fun. @this mets/dodgers series has @caused the rivalry between new @york and l.a. to heat up. @i got a lot of abuse rooting for @mets at dodger stadium friday @night. @one thing we here in l.a. have @in common with new york is we @both have people who dress up as @superheroes and other characters @for tips posing for pictures @outside. @in l.a. they do this outside our @studio on hollywood boulevard, @in "new york times" square. @we sent camera crews to both @locations to quiz these people @in each city to see who knows @more about the characters they @dress up as? @this very super and special @edition of "l.a. versus new @york." @[ cheers and applause ] @>> what is the name of the @island that the statue of @liberty is on?

@>> i don't know. @>> who is mr. crab's arch heave @nemesis who is trying to steal @the secret recipe for crabby @patties. @>> plaintiff. @>> what is that? @plaintiff? @>> uh-huh. @>> what's the name of the @popular pharell song from your @movie? @>> bah bah bah bah bah! @>> that's close, it's "happy." @>> what color are minions? @>> jello. @>> who is bowser? @>> the boss, the main boss for @super mario. @>> what does he took like? @dinosaur. @>> that's absolutely right. @how old is elmo? @>> i don't know. @20? @>> what type of animal does @catwoman have an empathetic @relationship with? @>> with the rats. @>> complete this lyric.

@"jingle bells, batman --"? @>> is awesome. @>> what theme park is the @minions ride located? @>> like banana. @>> like banana? @>> yes. @>> what type of cat is hello @kitty? @>> the cat. @>> absolutely right. @what is spongebob's girlfriend's @name? @>> sandy! @>> what is sandy? @>> sandy is my chipmunk! @oh, yeah! @>> what is your girlfriend's @name? @>> oh, my girlfriend? @>> what year was super mario @invented? @>> '85, i think? @>> that is absolutely right. @what is evil mario's name? @>> evil? @i don't know. @evil. @>> that's metal mario. @>> metal mario, oh, man, what do @i know? @i'm usually jesus out here, you @know?

@[ cheers and applause ] @>> jimmy: too bad the super @jesus brothers never caught on. @we have something special when @we come back from break. @i'm going to teach a grown man @how to ride a stick around for @that, we'll be right back. @[ cheers and applause ] @ hi, i'd liket to make a dep-- v @scanner: rescan item. @nrescan, rescan. @nrescan item. vo: it happens@so often you almost@get used to it. main menutrepresentative. representative. representative. vo: which is whyr being put first... @relax, we got this. vo: ...takes sometgetting used to. tjoin the nation. @ nationwide is on your side

r all the hard work... r time in the service... r community college... t it matters. it's why we, at university of phoenix, count your relevant work and college experience as credits toward your degree.

@i take prilosec otc each morning @ for my frequent heartburn r because you can't beattzero heartburn! @ahhh the sweet taste of victory! t prilosec otc. r one pill each morning. t 24 hours. tzero heartburn. if you work hard,r and you do your part, you should be able to@ get ahead and stay ahead. r but the republicans... v they want to go back to letting v the super wealthy call the shots. they don't stand up forr equal pay for women. they don't supportr paid family leave. they don't even really support@ refinancing student debt. we've got to get this economy@working for the vast majority of americans, not justr for those at the top. that's what i intend to do as president.

@>> jimmy: welcome back. @nathan fillion, jalen rose, @music from father john musty on @the way. @this show that i host is the @result of a lot of work from a @lot of people. @and it really is like a family @here. @primarily because i hire all my @relatives to work here. @but recently i learned one of my @writers, who's 32 years old, @name's josh, doesn't know how to

@ride a bike. @which troubled me because this @is kind of an important skill to @have. @especially if you're planning to @have kids one day. @and josh is this close to @getting engaged. @i know he didn't want me to @mention this but i know it for a @fact. @i was thinking about this. @and i decided to go over to @josh's office, pull him out of @work to do what any good @boss/father figure would do, @teach him so that he one day can @teach his child to ride a bike @too. @>> what's happening? @>> i need to talk to josh. @hey, josh. @>> hey, how's it going? @>> so you know why i'm here? @>> i have a feeling. @>> why do you think i'm here? @>> because i have some issues @with -- riding a bike. @>> in that you mean you don't @knee how to ride a bike? @>> i -- you know. @it's complicated. @>> well, i'm here right now to

@do what your parents should have @done. @teach you how to ride a bicycle. @okay? @>> okay. @>> let's go. @>> all right. @>> i have some pads for you. @>> okay. @>> because we don't want you to @get hurt. @change and come on out, all @right? @>> [ bleep ]. @>> how's it going in there? @>> i don't know if the pants are @on the right way. @>> let's see it. @ @>> jimmy: you look like lance @armstrong. @you look like lance bass, @actually. @here's the bicycle. @>> okay. @>> jimmy: i want you to get on @the bike but don't do it, just @stand, just get comfortable with @the seat. @>> okay. @>> jimmy: i gotcha. @just put your feet up on the @pedals there. @yeah. @pedals forward. @let's go forward.

@i have to say it's easier to do @this with children. @>> yeah. @>> jimmy: yeah, okay. @wow, you really don't know how @to ride a bike. @i mean -- okay. @all right. @>> can we start over? @>> jimmy: okay. @start over. @don't worry, none of this will @be on television. @[ laughter ] @this is very private. @give yourself a push-off. @all right? @>> okay. @>> jimmy: all right. @>> [ bleep ]. @[ bleep ]. @[ bleep ]. @>> jimmy: good. @>> [ bleep ]. @[ bleep ]. @yeah, i know, it's [ bleep ]. @>> jimmy: what, are you on meth? @what's going on? @>> i'm scared about falling. @>> jimmy: you're not going to @get anything more than a scrape. @>> okay, fine. @>> jimmy: wow. @>> [ bleep ], [ bleep ], @[ bleep ]. @sorry. @i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. @i don't know how to stop. @[ bleep ]. @[ bleep ]. @[ bleep ]. @[ bleep ]. @why my turning? @>> jimmy: i don't know. @>> why is it turning? @>> jimmy: it's the balance part.

@[ cheers and applause ] @>> oh [ bleep ]! @>> jimmy: that was really good. @all right, you feel good about @that? @>> yeah. @>> jimmy: you feel proud? @>> yeah. @>> jimmy: all right. @next thing, come over here. @we got a little obstacle course @for you. @now, you did actually naturally @pedal in a zig-zag fashion. @so what you're going to do is @you're going to go through this @obstacle course and you're going @to go through that hoop. @it's a little ramp. @you're going to go through that. @i'm going to go with you in the @>> okay. @>> jimmy: all right. @remember, keep moving forward. @don't stop on those speed bumps. @>> okay. @or that ramp. @>> yeah, yeah, thank you. @okay. @oh [ bleep ]!

@>> jimmy: back up and start @over. @>> i don't feel like i got a @good start. @>> jimmy: you're already @falling. @>> i know, i know. @[ bleep ]. @okay. @i just -- did it. @there we go. @>> jimmy: good. @>> oh my god. @>> jimmy: good. @>> [ bleep ], no, no! @. @>> jimmy: i'm going to take out @these speed bumps, i think @they're a problem. @i think i'm going to straighten @out this obstacle course a @little bit. @there's going to be one little @difference though this time. @>> okay. @>> jimmy: the ring, the hoop, is @going to be on fire. @>> [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. @>> jimmy: make sure you have @enough speed going over the -- @>> yeah. @>> jimmy: the ramp, okay? @>> i know i can be better than @this. @>> jimmy: yeah. @ready? @>> wait, wait, the pedals -- @>> jimmy: get the pedals going.

@>> [ bleep ]. @holy [ bleep ], [ bleep ]! @what the [ bleep ]! @>> jimmy: you know how to ride a @bike! @congratulations. @you'll never ride a bike again, @will you? @>> no, i will not. @>> jimmy: once was enough. @all right, good job. @[ cheers and applause ] @>> jimmy: josh, josh, josh! @josh, try again. @try again. @come on we've got to get this @right. @you've got to move fast. @>> okay. @>> guillermo: ready? @i'm pushing. @[ cheers and applause ] @>> jimmy: there you go, there

@[ cheers and applause ] @>> jimmy: well done. @there you go. @that's josh. @[ cheers and applause ] @josh, josh, next week we're @going to work on sex stuff, @okay? @>> okay, sounds good. @>> jimmy: that's josh, everyone. @we have a good show tonight. @music from father john misty. @from espn, jalen rose is here. @be right back with nathan @fillion so stick around! @[ cheers and applause ] @ @>> dicky: portions of "jimmy @kimmel live" brought to you by @sam adams. @delicious oktoberfest. @get it while it lasts. @sam adams for the love of beer. @ out putting my personal info @in these online shopping forms. @last name. how about last time. now i breathe easy, with ther ancient art of yoga... tand masterpass. r this pose is calledr

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@[ cheers and applause ] @>> jimmy: welcome back. @tonight, he lends his basketball @brain to 82 nba countdown" on @espn and abc, a new book "got to @give the people what they want," @jalen rose is with us. @i read this book. @jalen is going to share a story @from this book tonight that is @stories i've ever heard. @that. @then "i love you honey bear," @father john misty from the @samsung outdoor stage. @tomorrow night, from the @leftovers, justin theroux will @be here. @from "scandal," scott foley.

@music from duran duran. @next week we're taking our show @on the road to brooklyn, new @york. @five shows from the brooklyn @academy of music. @we'll be joined by bill murray, @michael j. fox, howard stern, @donald trump, misty copeland, @jay-z, paul shaffer, music from @esperanza spalding, bryan adams, @public enemy too. @it all starts monday. @are we excited? @>> guillermo: very excited. @>> jimmy: you make the most of a @road trip, don't you? @>> guillermo: yeah, i like to @have fun wherever i go. @>> jimmy: i think it's going to @be the best week of our lives, i @really do. @if your thirst for lies, mystery @and grisly murder isn't @satisfied on "dancing with the @stars" monday nights you are @welcome to stay up for our first @guest show, he plays the @crime-fighting novelist richard @castle on "castle." @please welcome nathan fillion!

@>> jimmy: very good to see you. @>> criminal novelist. @>> jimmy: you look like an @off-duty priest right now. @>> let me it button. @get macho. @>> jimmy: you're missing a @collar. @how are you doing? @>> not bad, you? @>> jimmy: very well. @>> i had the day off. @>> jimmy: very nice. @>> time to get a dentist @appointment in. @>> jimmy: you did? @they look good. @you have really good teeth. @>> no cavities. @that's nice. @>> i mean, not today. @>> jimmy: how often do you go to @the dentist? @the last time. @>> jimmy: has it really? @>> six years. @>> jimmy: six years? @>> i've been a little busy. @>> jimmy: six years and no @>> that's right. @>> jimmy: you must be brushing @very well. @do you floss as well? @papaya, mangos. @anything that sticks in my @teeth, that's when i'm going to @floss.

@>> or in traffic. @i have floss sticks when i'm in @traffic. @>> jimmy: that must be a treat @for people when they pull up @alongside you. @whatever you're doing, it's @really working. @>> thanks. @>> jimmy: it's a fascinating @line of conversation too. @when you were a kid did you hate @the din test? @>> i was never a huge fan. @>> jimmy: uh-huh, sure. @>> you ever had a terrible @experience with a dentist, one @of those -- @>> jimmy: not really. @>> i had one thing happen to me @that kind of just hit me two @weeks ago. @when i was a kid my brother and @i, we had overbites. @so the process by which they put @little stickers on our cheeks @and back of the neck and they @hooked up cables to these @things, into a little device, @and they started shocking us. @>> jimmy: what? @>> it was pleasant. @like a tingly thing. @it sounds awful now that i say @it out loud. @>> jimmy: are you sure this was @dental surgery? @maybe your parents were trying @to get something fixed.

@>> it was on the jaw, in the @back. @they put us in a room, a roubl @table, magazines we didn't care @about. @there was two dials on this @machine. @one was the strength of the @shock, one was the frequency. @my brother and i, 28-year-old @kids, we made up this game. @let's see who can turn theirs up @the highest. @and i was, arrgh! @how can he take it for so long? @i can't believe it! @two weeks ago he confessed. @he said, i never turned my @dials. @>> jimmy: who is this dentist @that is letting two 8-year-old @boys sit in a room -- was his @last name mengele? @that is insane. @>> how perfect is that practical @joke? @>> jimmy: it as great practical @joke. @>> i was mad, i can't believe @you did nothing! @i did it myself! @>> jimmy: did you get your @inclination toward practical @jokes from your practice? @brother? @>> here's the thing about @practical jokes. @i've never been a practical

@joker. @i played a couple and got a @reputation. @>> jimmy: i thought you were, i @don't know why. @>> that's why. @that's a dangerous thing. @you don't want a reputation as a @practical joker. @a, if anyone gets a joke played @on them they think it's you. @>> jimmy: that's true. @>> b, if anyone has a joke to @play on someone they pick you, @they figure you deserve it. @>> jimmy: that's true unless @they're scared of you, like in @my case. @>> right. @i had a terrible experience a @couple of months ago. @i was doing renovations in the @house. @there's these guy guys coming @in, renovating a bathroom, doing @some stuff, it's great. @great guys. @i've heard nightmare stories @about contractors. @i got a great bunch of guys. @one guy, super friendly, super @happy, whistles while he works. @that's what you want. @but he whistles the same song. @and it's "pop goes the weasel." @over and over. @you want to go crazy fast? @>> jimmy: no. @>> one day i'm walking past the @door, i see these guys finishing @their lunch. @and i said, perfect, it's like @tailor-made.

@i go to the room where he's @working, i hide in the closet. @he comes in, starts whistling. @at the perfect time i jump out, @pop! @scared the crap out of him. @>> jimmy: what? @you jumped out? @>> he's whistling "pop goes the @weasel." @>> jimmy: you're the homeowner @and hiding on your workers. @he says pop and you jump out? @>> i jump out, pop goes the @weasel! @i had a good laugh. @turns out he's got some kind of @nervous condition. @the next time i see him, he's @got no left eyebrow. @>> jimmy: what? @>> he's lost the hair -- @>> jimmy: why? @>> i don't know. @>> jimmy: you think it was @because of your popping? @>> because. @the contractor said, hey, if you @can stand it maybe don't scare @him anymore. @>> jimmy: you popped his eyebrow @off? @>> i don't know. @it was like a weekend. @i don't know. @if it happened all at once, a

@>> he didn't whistle at my house @anymore. @kind of flinched when i walked @by? @that's -- there's some weird @things going on. @>> i feel terrible. @no more practical jokes. @>> jimmy: has his attorney @contacted you? @what would you -- what would the @damages be? @>> that's the thing. @hey, man, thanks for the hard @work, give you a tip. @you want to give him extra but @what are you saying? @this is what your eyebrow is @worth to me. @>> jimmy: this is a settlement. @what do you pay for a missing @eyebrow? @>> what is that? @>> jimmy: it's got to be at @least 100 bucks, yes? @>> i thought that was fair. @>> jimmy: yeah. @we'll discuss it during the @commercial. @nathan fillion is here. @we'll be right back! @[ cheers and applause ] @ @ snoes @. @>> dicky: watch next week as @"jimmy kimmel live" returns to @brooklyn. @brought to you in part by cigna.

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@ five minutes. @if i haven't, you can kick me @out. @>> fine but you have to be @decontaminated. @>> sounds like fun. @whoa, wah! @wow, whoa! @>> jimmy: that is what nathan @fillion does with his @contractors. @a little carl

karmic justice. @i want to ask about the show. @how many seasons you've been @circling each other, flirting, @are they ever going to get @together? @>> i think four or five are they @ever going to, then will they @get married, then we got @married. @>> jimmy: you got married. @>> and now, season eight. @>> jimmy: you've separated? @>> yeah. @>> jimmy: which seems weird, @almost abusive, right? @how do your fans react to this? @>> what? @>> jimmy: they don't like it? @>> i get that a lot. @they videotape themselves @watching shoate and put that on @youtube. @you can watch their reactions to @the show. @>> jimmy: that's disturbing. @>> it's kind of cool. @>> jimmy: you'd think it would @drum up negative emotions based @on when you were a kid and your @parents split up, in a way. @>> no. @>> jimmy: not at all? @>> no. @>> jimmy: you've got another @thing going on that i think is @pretty cool. @>> i do. @>> jimmy: this is a picture @of -- was this you or your @character? @>> well, that's -- yeah i guess @that's my character. @>> jimmy: in "halo 5."

@>> new video game. @>> jimmy: how did they do this? @>> they flew me to -- i used to @play this video game and i was @super jazzed about it. @i was public about being jazzed. @they said, hey, would you like @to do a couple of lines in "hail @i don't 2"? @would you like to have a @character in "halo 3"? @yes, yes. @"halo 5." @they snap a picture of my face, @looks like me. @now they flew me out to seattle, @put me in this rig that looks @like some kind of space pod, 36 @cameras pointed at your face. @they strap you in so you can't @move your face. @four hours. @>> jimmy: like being at the @dentist. @>> yeah. @it's all connected to a @computer, there's a kid working @it out. @i said jokingly, can you make it @look like i'm just a little bit @better-looking than i actually @am? @he goes, yep! @blip! @we were laughing about it. @but all these trailers and cool @commercials -- @>> jimmy: you're a handsome man

@in real life but you are @slightly more handsome. @>> yeah, people are on twitter @going, hey, there's a guy on @"halo 5" looks just like you @only better-looking. @>> jimmy: well, the important @thing is you get to wear a @turtleneck in a video game. @a turtleneck with a giant knife @attached to the side of it. @very good to see you, @congratulations. @eight seasons of "castle." @>> thank you. @>> jimmy: unbelievable. @nathan fillion, monday nights at @10:00 on abc. @we'll be right back with jalen @rose! @[ cheers and applause ] @ k from bank of america to the next level... @ everywhere, every time... @ 2% back at the grocery store... r and 3% back on gas... @ vince of the flying branzinos got a bankamericard @ cash rewards credit card, @ because he may earn his living r jumping through hoops, r but he'd rather not r earn cash back that way. r that's the spectacle ` of rewarding connections.

t apply online or ` at a bank of america near you. x ^ come on my love, @ tell me what it's all about @ you've got somethin', @ that i can't live without r (i can't wait) t hey darlin', when you look into my eyes t hey baby, @ tell me what is on your mind r (i can't wait) r (i can't wait) v hey r 'cause i can't wait this is whatri've been waiting for

r all the hard work... r time in the service... r community college... t it matters. it's why we, at university of phoenix, count your relevant work and college experience as credits toward your degree. learn more at phoenix.edu. v v la la la la la-la la r

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@[ cheers and applause ] @>> jimmy: still to come, music @from father john misty. @our next guest starred on one of @the greatest college basketball @teams ever. @he played 13 seasons in the nba. @basketball is his thing. @why he's holding a baseball bat @on the cover of his book is a @mystery to all. @it's called "got to give the @people what they want" from "nba @countdown" on espn and abc, @please welcome jalen rose! @[ cheers and applause ]

@>> jimmy: very good to see you. @first of all, what does the @title mean, got to give the @people what they want? @>> give them what they need. @i sing it on every radio show. @>> jimmy: that's your thing? @>> we got to own it. @ we got to give the people give @the people what they want @[ cheers and applause ] @>> jimmy: okay. @well, what if the people want @your shoes? @what are you going to do then? @>> depends on how much they want @to spend. @>> jimmy: your life story is @pretty remarkable. @i mean, there's a lot of @great -- first of all, tell us @what champagning and campaigning @is, or campaigning and @champagning. @>> you're going to get me fired. @>> jimmy: no, no, no. @>> champagning and campaigning @is when you turn it up, having a @really good time, celebrating @like you just won the @championship but it may be a @tuesday night. @you know? @may involve some throwing up and @hangover but you still got to be

@ready to perform the next day. @>> jimmy: how many tuesdays will @this happen on? @is this a once a year thing? @>> well, when i was younger and @playing in the league, it was @different. @i'm old and washed-up now. @i'd say a handful of time sxwlts @a handful of times? @>> a week. @>> jimmy: a week? @really? @that's a phrase you came up @with? @>> no, that's honest. @>> jimmy: there's a story in @this book, and i'm just -- i @just want to hear you tell it. @it's one of the best stories @i've ever heard. @you and your friend riz wa in a @car. @tell the story. @>> great. @me and my friend riz were in a @bentley, went to the sunset @room, champagning and @campaigning. @sparks had just won a @championship. @we were popping bottles. @i saw lisa leslie, one of the @greatest players ever. @my friend was like, you need to @try to holler at her, she call @as you, you ought to have a @little kevin garnett! @i'm like, no, that's just my @friend, our mothers are friends, @whatever. @i violated a lot of rules i

@normally do when i go out, like @valet, tip, whatever. @late at night, you get in the @car, riding up sunset through @bel air. @all of a sudden we stop at a @light at barrington. @i look to my right. @there's a red cadillac truck. @i see the dome light come on. @a gentleman gets out of the back @seat. @walks behind the car. @walks up to us. @he's pointing a 9 millimeter. @i'm like, okay. @so i felt, once he started to @speak, he relaxed. @at least crazily that's what i @thought. @i didn't have a problem giving @up the car because it wasn't @okay? @>> jimmy: whose car was it? @>> it was a loaner. @i'm one of the kind of guys, @inspector gadget, trying to put @music and tvs in the car. @i had so many electrical @problems they gave me a loaner, @drop-top bentley. @two kids in detroit, drop-top @bentley? @absolutely, let's get it. @he whips out the 9 millimeter. @and i hit the gas. @he shot this car.

@nine times. @okay? @i have the forensic pictures. @of the car. @and as you get past the 405 i @realize, wow. @i'm not hit. @and i look over at my friend. @he's bleeding everywhere. @and so i obviously freaked out @as you would. @you're riding a car, your best @friend. @how you going to explain this? @how you going to get help? @i didn't want him to panic so i @was rubbing his leg, dog, it's @going to be all right, i'm going @to get us some help. @i pick up my phone and i call @911. @and i'm like, you know, please @help me, my dog just got shot, @tell me where the closest @hospital is, please. @they gave me the directions. @so i'm driving down the street. @remember this car got hit nine @movie. @i'm happy it's still rolling. @and i make the couple of turns @they give me, i look up, it's a @veterinarian. @because i said my dog got shot. @[ laughter ]

@i said a couple of four-letter @ones that not. @by the grace i look to the left @and i see the hospital. @we whip up. @he jumps out. @they throw him on the gurney, @rush him into the hospital. @they get him into surgery. @and by the grace, again, the @bullet was slow the down by the @custom headrest that bentley @makes. @true story. @i guess that's why these cars @cost $400,000. @so it slowed down the bullet @enough to where the impact, once @it hit him in his cheek, it @didn't shatter his face. @to this day, my dog riz still @has a bullet in his neck. @>> jimmy: wow. @that is a great story. @you should have had him neutered @while he was there in the @hospital. @at least a flea and tick dip or @something. @boy. @that is pretty unbelievable. @>> that's not in "the fresh @prince of bel air." @>> jimmy: you have -- i think @this will be handy especially @for young athletes. @you've come up with a friendly @guide to trash talking. @i'll go through these and you

@number one, respect your @opponent. @recognize how good they are and @what it's going to take to beat @them. @>> absolutely. @and also, if they're a little @bit crazy, because if you're at @the park, the backyard, the @ymca, you're talking trash to @the wrong person, hi might pop @the twrung and the game is going @to be over. @>> jimmy: pop the trunk. @be prepared to deal with the @consequences. @>> yes. @>> jimmy: nothing is out of @bounds. @>> yes. @>> jimmy: you say cursing is @overrate @overrated? @>> just because you curse, @huffing and puffing, don't mean @you're getting into their head. @>> jimmy: nothing is out of @bounds, you'd say anything about @them or to them? @>> absolutely. @nothing's out of bounds. @if it's going to happen, have @more points at the end of the @game, i'll say it. @that's how this works. @>> do your research, what does @that mean? @>> be a student of trash @talking. @this is before internet. @this is before youtube. @so i used to read magazines, @newspapers, get nicknames, get

@of that happened in their @family, and share it with them @during the game. @>> jimmy: finally, win. @>> yes. @yes. @got to win. @>> jimmy: who's the best trash @talker you ever played with? @>> i think as an opponent, the @best trash talker had to be gary @payton. @>> jimmy: gary payton? @>> absolutely. @the guy's in the hall of fame @and we're on the basketball @court and he's talking trash @like we in the alley somewhere. @like he was volatile and mean @with it. @i'm like, this dude really want @to fight! @you know? @i was saying to my man g.p. @>> jimmy: a lot of great stuff. @we barely scratched the surface. @this is it. @"got to give the people what @they want." @it's out now. @the nba comes back to espn @october 28th. @jalen rose, everybody. @be right back with father john @misty! @[ cheers and applause ] @ @>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel

@presented by samsung. @don't miss tomorrow night's @"jimmy kimmel live" stream @presented by mastercard @featuring an exclusive concert @from duran duran. @yahoo.com/jimmykimmellive @immediately after the show to

@>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live @concert series is presented by @samsung. @>> jimmy: thanks to nathan @fillion, jalen rose, apologies @to matt damon, we ran out of @time for him. @fight line is next. @honey bear." @here with the song "the ideal @ @ @

julian he's gonna @take my files @every woman that @ every friendship @i've neglected @didn't call when @ @getting drunk and high @ i've done things @proceeded to drive @home wasted @ bought things to @win over siblings @i've said awful things @such awful things @ and now @now it's out @and now now it's out

@ @ julian he's gonna @take my files @ telling people jokes @to shut them up @resenting people @that i love @ sleep in 'til two @then doin' -- @just stay in bed and @later lie 'bout it @ obsessing over @greying hair @knowing just what @people wanna hear @ binging on unearned @attention @i've said awful things @such awful things @

@now it's out @and now now it's out @ i came by at seven @in the morning @seven in the morning @seven in the morning @ i came by at seven @in the morning @i said baby @i'm finally succumbing @ said something dumb @like i'm tired of running @tired of running @tired of running @ let's put a baby @in the oven @wouldn't i make the @ideal husband @ @