p and now, abc's "jimmy kimmel plive"! p>> dicky: from hollywood, it's p"jimmy kimmel live"! ptonight -- pshaquille o'neal, pfrom "how to be single," palison brie, pand music from banners, with pcleto and the cletones. pand now, more than likely,

p[ cheers and applause ] p p>> jimmy: i'm the host of the rogram, my name is jimmy. pthank you for watching. pthank you for coming. pthat's very nice. pand i appreciate it. pbut you're here on a very pspecial night for someone else. ptonight is our very own pguillermo's birthday. phappy birthday, guillermo. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: 45 years ago today, a pdrunken stork pstumbled into a hospital in pmexico and out of his bindle prolled a little mustashioed pguillermo. pguillermo doesn't know this but pi got in touch with his mom and pshe gave us photographs of you pover the years. pthat's right, let's look at pthem. pall right, guillermo in a pbaseball uniform. pwhat position did you play, pguillermo? p>> guillermo: catcher. p>> jimmy: oh, nice.

pall right. plet's keep going. pwhat's going on here? p>> guillermo: it was my pbirthday, me and my grandma. p>> jimmy: she has the same pbirthday? p>> guillermo: no, it was my pbirthday. p>> jimmy: i see, okay. pthis next one is a classic hoto. p[ cheers and applause ] pthat's the day his pmoustache was born. phow old were you when you had pthat moustache? p>> guillermo: i think i was 18. p>> jimmy: 18? pyou look like you're 8. pthis is guillermo and his mom pelba. pis that a lamp on top of a pchristmas tree by the way? p>> guillermo: yeah. p>> jimmy: now this picture is pone of my favorites. pthis is one i've seen before. plooks like you guys are up to no pgood here, huh? pare you selling scorpions

p>> guillermo: yeah, to buy beer. p[ laughter ] p>> jimmy: were those officially plicensed t-shirts or no? p>> guillermo: no, make. p>> jimmy: you had to make them. pi believe we have one more. pyou have to look closely here. pguillermo is dressed up. p[ laughter ] p[ cheers and applause ] pwhy were you dressed pas a woman? p>> guillermo: i think it was phalloween. p>> jimmy: oh. pi don't think it was halloween. plet's look at that again. pzoom back over the people pdancing. pyeah, that's some kind of a phairy-legged sex party going on. pmaybe that's your quintera, i pdon't know. p>> guillermo: that was my uncle. p>> jimmy: your uncle, all right. pwell, you've come a long way, i pwill say that. phappy birthday. pwe have something special plan pfor you so don't feel neglected. pdid donald trump call you to pwish you a happy birthday today? p>> guillermo: no! p>> jimmy: he did not, another pslap in the face. pdonald trump is refusing to take

ptomorrow night because megyn pkelly, one of the moderators pthere, is someone he does not plike. pthis morning he tweeted, i prefuse to call megyn kelly a pbimbo because that would not be olitically correct. pinstead i will only call her a plightweight reporter. pwell, that's considerate, at pleast, right? pby the way -- phe said that at 5:45 a.m. pthis is what he woke up pthinking. pthis was in his brain at 5:45 -- pyou have to hand it to him, ptrump insults more women by 6:00 pa.m. than most people do all pyear. p[ laughter ] p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: the reason that he pdoesn't like her, he claims that pmegyn kelly is unfair, which pthat makes sense. pfox news has a long and dark phistory of being unfair to prepublicans. p[ laughter ] pwhen did the republican race for resident turn into "the real phousewives"? pbut either way -- pi have to believe jeb bush is pexcited. pit's like when the bully stays phome sick from school, you get pone day of not getting beat up.

pstore open on 86th street pbecause my man did so well on phis test, he wanted hand lotion, pand we went up and got it. pbut now they're closing. p>> you got good marks? pand you wanted hand lotion? pas good as coal, right? p>> yeah. p>> want to make sure our hands pstay moisturized. p>> that's good. p[ laughter ] p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: i think we need to pwatch that again. p>> you just came from where? p>> we just came from shopping at pla cetena, the only store open pon 86th street. pmy man here did so well on his ptest he wanted hand lotion and pwe got and it now they're pclosing. p>> you got good marks? pand you wanted hand lotion? pbecause it's cold, right?

pmoisturized. p>> that's good. p>> jimmy: wait a minute. pis what i think going on here pgoing on here? pwhat kind of a kid gets rewarded pwith hand lotion? plet's watch that one more time. p[ laughter ] p>> you just came from where? p>> shopping at the only store popen on 86th street. pmy man here did so well on his ptest he just wanted some hand plotion and we went up and got pit. pnow they're closing. p>> let me ask you, you got good pmarks and you wanted hand plotion? pbecause it's cold, right? p>> yeah. p>> makes your hands stay pmoisturized. p>> have a great night. p>> jimmy: yeah, have a great pnight. pand we have to go find a lock pfor his bedroom door. pthat and the lotion. pthat's either a really good dad por a really weird dad. pmaybe -- probably both, pactually. pwe have a very big show for you pliterally, shaquille o'neal is pwith us tonight. p[ cheers and applause ] pone of the greatest players of pnba history. palso has more nicknames than any

pshaq diesel, shaq fool, ploveshaq, manny shaqiao, baby pshaq ribs, shaqty shaq don't ptalk back, give the dog a bone pshaq, shaq old son, the old shaq pmagic. pyou name it, he's named it. pit was not easy to get shaq phere. pi had to trade my cow for magic pbeans, plant the beans, and pclimb a beanstalk to his home in pthe clouds to get him. palso music from banners. pand "how to be single" alison pbrie is with us. p>> hi, jimmy! phi! p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: you're just a little pbit early. plike -- yeah. p>> no, no, i wanted to know if pyou'd like to buy girl scout pcookies. pall the talk show hosts are pbuying them. pellen bought 400 boxes. p>> aren't you a little old to be pin the girl scouts? p>> jimmy.

pare selling them. p>> jimmy: you have kids? p>> yes, i do. p>> yes. pthey're right here. pcome on out, kids! pthere's my girls. p>> jimmy: hi, kids. p>> my beautiful girls. p>> jimmy: these are your -- p>> my daughters. p>> jimmy: because one of them p>> no, this is a girl. pher name is -- lady. p>> jimmy: hi, lady. phi, kids. p>> lady and other -- other one. p>> jimmy: is this your mom? pwhat's her name? p>> they just call me mommy. pjust stop [ bleep ]ing around pand buy the damn cookies. p>> jimmy: i'm sorry, kids, all pright, all right. p>> just pie them. p>> jimmy: how many did you say pellen bought? p>> 400. p>> jimmy: oh my god, how much is p400? p>> $2,000. p>> jimmy: i only have a $5,000 pbill. pwould you cover this for me, pguillermo? p>> guillermo: son of a benefit. p>> guillermo has your money. p>> get the money! p>> jimmy: take it easy. pi'll see you in a minute. p>> got it! p>> jimmy: don't take the whole pwallet.

pget to dr. phil, come on! p>> jimmy: all right, that stunk. pit's his birthday! pwe have to take a break. pwhen we come back there is a pvicious twitter feud happening pright now between wiz khalifa pand kanye west. pand also to celebrate pguillermo's birthday we went to pgreat expense to build a tequila pfunnel. pthis is a funnel that starts on pour roof, it runs all the way pdown to our studio. p432 feet. pwe believe this is the longest ptequila funnel in human history. pand when we come back, we will ut it to use. pwe'll be right back so stick

v v aflac. tohh ah ah aflac! t aaaaf-lac! vta-daa! r he's not a very good magician. r he paid my claim in just one day. one day?! shh! r how does he do it? t in just one day, p we process, approve and pay. p

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p[ cheers and applause ] pback. pstill to come, alison brie and pmusic from banners. pin the meantime, pto celebrate guillermo's 45th pbirthday today we built -- when pi say we i do not mean me, kidd pi did nothing for this -- psomeone here built a p432-foot-long margarita funnel. p[ cheers and applause ] pit runs up four flights of pstairs to our roof. pwhat we're going to try to do is phave guillermo pour tequila and pmargarita mix into the funnel, pthen run down the stairs and pmake it here in time to pbeat the liquid down to have a pvictory sip for your birthday. p>> guillermo: okay. p>> jimmy: all right, very good. pready? pthink you can do this? p>> guillermo: i'll try my best. p>> jimmy: go to the roof now so pyou're up there and ready. pthere goes guillermo. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: there's a very good pchance that guillermo will die ptonight. pbecause if the tequila doesn't pkill him, running the stairs pwill. pr. kelly did something strange

p"gq" released a video in which pr. kelly sings his life pstory, unscripted, he just sings pthe story of his life, for 45 pminutes nonstop. pi watched the whole thing this pmorning. pwell, this is how it starts. p coming up in the hood i saw so pmany things p those so many things brought pme all of my dreams p now here i am here i am ptoday p y-y-y-y-y p>> jimmy: and so on for 45 pminutes. pit's unbelievable. p[ cheers and applause ] pamazing. pyou think about it, believing pthat anyone would want to hear pyou sing about your life for 45 pminutes isn't much crazier than pbelieving you can fly. pthe only time you should turn pyour life story into a song is

pthat's just me. pinstead of megyn kelly fox pnews should use r. kelly to pmoderate that debate. p[ cheers and applause ] ptrump would be okay with that, pright? pkanye west is in another twitter pfeud and the good news is this ptime it is not with me. pthis time it's a lot to digest pbut basically what happened was pkanye revealed that he was pchanging the title of his new palbum for the third time. pan album he's already calling pthe greatest album of all-time. pchanging it from "swish" to p"waves." phe tweeted new album title pwaves. pso with khalifa, another rapper, psaid please don't take the wave, pmax b. is the wavy one, he pcreated the wave, there is no pwave without him. pmax b. is a rapper from harlem pwho uses the word wavy to pdescribe his style, a singsong pstyle of rapping. pand wiz is concerned kanye would pco-opt that if he named his pwiz tweeted, hit this kk and

pnow kanye went nuts. pbecause wiz has a kid with pkanye's ex, amber rose. pkanye assumed kk stood for kim pkardashian. phe hit back with a string of pangry posts, a lot of them. phe's like, i can put his wife's pinitials on my twitter, wiz pkhalifa, first of all you sole pyour s from cutty, second your psingle was corny's f, and most pthereafter. pwiz responded, kk is weed, fool. preasons why you're not wave, you pgo back to swiss. p[ laughter ] p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: this is on the i did pnot know either. pkk is a nickname for marijuana. pjust what marijuana needed, panother nickname. pbut kanye, who didn't know this, pwas still going off. phe tweeted, you have distracted pfrom my creative process. pno one i know has ever listened pto one of your albums all the pway through.

pyou let us a stripper trap you. pi know you're mad every time you plook at your child and that this pgirl got you for 18 years. pi am your o.g., i will be prespected as such. pyou own waves, i own your child, phe says. pbut then kanye tweets, and this pis where it gets weird. phe said, i went to look at your ptwitter and you were wearing pcool pants. pi screen grabbed those pants and psent it to my style team. p#wizwearscoolpants. pi guess he realized at this time pthat kk didn't stand for kim pi'm happy i know that kk means pweed, please excuse the pconfusion. pnow back to #waves. p[ laughter ] p>> jimmy: he says he came up pwith waves. pall this time i thought it was pthe ocean that created waves. pbut i guess not. pi do have to believe that tupac pand biggie are watching this and psaying, you've got to be kidding pme.

pguillermo is standing by. phe is ready, waiting. ptequila and margarita. phow much tequila have you palready had today? p>> guillermo: a lot, jimmy. p>> jimmy: tell us what's going pto happen here. pyou pour those in? p>> guillermo: before i tell you psomething, from the bottom of my pheart, we've got to get new pwriters. pthis is a stupid idea. p[ laughter ] p>> jimmy: all right, well. pas long as you speak from the pbottom of your heart. pall right, on the count of uno, pdos, tres -- load it up! p[ cheers and applause ] p p>> jimmy: slow down, guillermo, pslow down, you're going too pfast! p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: he's been training for pthis his whole life. pthere he goes.

plook how fit, think if you did pthis every time. pall right. pwhatever this cost us, it was pwell worth it. phere he comes. p[ cheers and applause ] pthis is your version of a half pmarathon. pare you sure you poured it? pthere it is! p[ cheers and applause ] pvery good. pguillermo, everybody! pyou don't have to drink all of pit. pyou don't have to drink it all. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: happy birthday, pguillermo. ptonight, music from banners, palison brie is here. pwe'll be right back with pshaquille o'neal! p[ cheers and applause ] p p>> dicky: portions of "jimmy pkimmel live" are brought to you pby icy hot smart relief tens ptherapy. pturn on smart relief and turn

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p>> jimmy: welcome back to the pshow. ptonight, from the new movie "how pto be single" alison brie is phere. pthen later, making his network ptelevision debut, this is his pself-titled e.p. pall the way from the u.k., pbanners from the samsung stage. ptomorrow night, ewan mcgregor, phannibal buress, and we'll have pmusic from tory lanez. lease join us for all of that. pby the way my security guard is phammered right now. pcompletely drunk. p>> guillermo: only a little bit. p>> jimmy: apparently he had ptrouble at a restaurant called pcasa vega. pwe're getting into that. pwe'll get to the bottom of it. p[ cheers and applause ] pour first guest is a giant in pthe world of sports -- pand a giant really just in the pworld. phe has four nba championship prings on his fingers and a pwatch him on tnt thursdays on p"inside the nba."

p p[ cheers and applause ] p p>> jimmy: how's it going? p>> doing fine, how are you? p>> jimmy: doing well, thank you. pi feel like you're getting pbigger somehow. p>> yes, i am. pworking out. p>> jimmy: thank you for coming pon guillermo's birthday. pdid you know it was his pbirthday? p>> no, but i'd like to sing phappy birthday to him. p>> jimmy: that would be lovely. p>> i need the crowd articipation. p>> jimmy: all right, all right. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: oh, this is nice. p>> no, no, just relax. p pbirthday to you p

p happy birthday to you p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: that was nice. pa little guillermo bongo. p>> guillermo, you got a nice pass, baby. phey, that was nice. p>> jimmy: that's why we hired phim, yeah, yeah. pby the way, you know how to pthrow a party, don't you. p>> yeah. p>> jimmy: you have big parties pat your house? p>> i used to when i was younger. p>> jimmy: you used to. pyou had a big party for your pson's birthday. phis 16th birthday. p>> yes, i did. p>> jimmy: how many people were pat that party? p>> like 300 little screaming pkids. p>> jimmy: 300 kids. pchuck e. cheese? pat the house? pwhere did you have it? p>> somewhere around jefferson's, pa little art gallery i rented pout, we had food trucks outside, pit was awesome. p>> jimmy: this is what i really pthought was interesting. pthis is your son right here, psharif.

p>> jimmy: this is his birthday resent. pyou got him a jeep. pwhich is really nice. plooks like it's customized. pbut in addition to the jeep, you palso got him a lamborghini. p>> that was -- that was more of pa academic incentive gift. p>> jimmy: an incentive gift. p>> yeah, even though i bought pthe lamborghini, it's in my pgarage. pthe deal is if you get all a's pthis semester or any semester pbefore you graduate, it's yours. p>> what if he doesn't, then pwhose lamborghini is it? p>> when he turns 18 maybe i'll pgive to it him but probably not. robably after he graduates from pcollege. pbut it's in the garage, sitting, pchilling, relaxing. p>> jimmy: can you fit into the p>> i got it specially done for phim. p>> jimmy: because he is tall as pwell? p>> jimmy: you're lucky he didn't pcome out of you, you know? p[ laughter ]

pyou're right. p>> jimmy: by the way, "inside pthe nba" i think is not just the pbest sports show, i think it's pone of the best shows on ptelevision. p[ cheers and applause ] pi love watching you guys. pi love when you and barkley go pat it. pwho is more right now, you or pbarkley? p>> barkley. p>> jimmy: barkley weighs more? p>> his middle name is shamu. pof course. p>> jimmy: and you guys like to pgive each other -- p>> this is all muscle. p>> jimmy: oh, wow. p>> trust me, all muscle. pright now i have a 4.9 pack. pnot a 6 pack. pa 4.9. p6 pack is coming. p>> you work out every day? p>> every day. p>> jimmy: sit-ups? p>> i don't do situps. p>> what do you do? p>> a lot of weights, swimming. p>> do you ever go out and push pbuildings over that kind of pthing? p>> i used to. p>> jimmy: this lamborghini needs pto move! pthe big nba story this week was pblake griffin of the clippers is pinjured, he's going to be out

unched his assistant equipment pmanager in -- i don't know where phe punched him. pbut is that -- have there been pdumber -- like in your pexperience as a player have you pheard of anything dumber than pthat? p>> i have. pbut this is -- i can't tell it pon this show. p>> jimmy: is that right? p>> yeah. p>> jimmy: really, guys we would pknow -- p>> yeah. p>> jimmy: -- getting injured. p>> yeah. p>> jimmy: they make up a story? p>> yeah. p>> jimmy: they do? p>> big story. pi can't even repeat it. p>> jimmy: do you think you pcould -- p>> stitches is stitches, you pcan't do that. p>> jimmy: do you think they pcould keep it quiet now just pwith the internet and social pmedia? p>> these days, no. p>> jimmy: these days, no, you phave to tell the truth. p>> it's very unfortunate. pbecause the clippers are almost pon their way. pand, you know, he's a superstar layer. pso whenever things don't go pright, the superstar player's pthe first guy to get blamed. pso if they happen not to win, pand they won't win this year panyway, even with him on the pcourt. pi'm just saying. pyou know. pif they happen to get to a

pit, they're always going to look pback at this incident. pyou know, playoffs, going to the layoffs, it's all about certain ositions, certain game. pso let's just say they're four pgames out of second spot, they pwould have ended up playing pdenver in the first round, prather than sacramento or psomebody. pto the four to six weeks that he pmissed because he punched psomebody. pa guy, like for real? pi'm not talking about -- p>> yes. p>> jimmy: -- like in a boxing pring. p>> yes, of course. p>> jimmy: this is a guy -- is he pstill on this planet? p>> he's on mars right now. p[ laughter ] p[ cheers and applause ] p>> the movie "the martian." p>> jimmy: matt damon? pwhat time do you wake up in the pmorning? p>> i don't wake up in the pmorning. p>> what time do you go to bed? p>> 4:00, 5:00. p>> jimmy: 4:00, 5:00 a.m.? pevery night? p>> we get off at 2:30, takes phour to get home, then flipping pthrough the channels, i'm psleeping around 4:00, 5:00. p>> jimmy: you have a team of

pyou -- p>> no, not anymore. p>> jimmy: you don't have any of pthat stuff? p>> no. p>> jimmy: why not? pwhy did you give that up? p>> different time, i'm retired. p>> jimmy: the lakers retired pyour jersey. p>> yes. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: an honor that is pusually only given after you're pinducted into the hall of fame. p>> right. p>> jimmy: which you most pcertainly will coming up here. pwhen is the hall of fame pinduction ceremony? p>> they say they're going to pmake an announcement at all-star pweekend, so hopefully i'm a big art of that announcement. p>> jimmy: i would think you pwould be. pyou absolutely have to be. p>> i hope so. p>> jimmy: or else somebody's pgoing to get hit again. p>> you're right. p>> jimmy: have you started pthinking about your speech and pwhat you will say? p>> no. pnot yet. p>> jimmy: you have not. phave you thought about who will pintroduce you? p>> well, if i get picked i will plove to have dr. j., magic pjohnson, and dale brown bring me pin. p>> jimmy: nice. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: that's a pretty good pgroup.

pbaseball where you have to pchoose a team? pcan you choose to go in as a plaker? phow will you -- will you have to pmake a decision? p>> i've already made my pdecision. pif i'm that good and they invite pme or if they say i'm good penough to be in the hall of pfame, i'll probably go in as a plaker. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: i like that. pnow, the lakers have another pthing, outside the staples pcenter, there are statues. ut those up on the wall. pi want to look at these. pyou can see they've got jerry pwest, they've got magic, they've pgot kareem, they've got -- well, pi think -- you see what this is pright now? pwhat i'm showing you? p>> yes. p>> jimmy: you don't know about pthis. pthis is a surprise to you. pthe lakers asked me to mention pit. pthis is the statue of you pthey're putting up at the pstaples center. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> is it? p>> jimmy: yes. p>> seriously? p>> jimmy: i swear to god. pthis is not a joke. pi swear to god. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: that's it, that's what

p[ cheers and applause ] p>> you're playing. pi don't believe you. p>> jimmy: i'm stupid but i'm not pthat stupid, believe me. pthis is for real. pi'm not kidding at all. pthat is an artist rendering of pthe statue that is going to go pup of you outside the staples pcenter. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: for real, i'm not pkidding. pi imagine there are going to be psome profane photographs taken pwith this kind of a thing. pi mean, really. plook at me right up here. pso congratulations to you on pthat. pthat's a pretty big deal. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: i know you still think pi'm kidding but i'm not. p>> you are. p>> jimmy: shaquille o'neal, pwatch "inside the nba" thursday pnights on tnt. pwe'll be right back, don't go paway! i'm going to share a photo of my eggo waffle when it pops up. that's so interesting honey a photo of my eggo waffle

l'eggo my eggo (answering machine) hey! leave a message. hi, i know you're there, 'cause i can see you. i'm calling you to tell you to l'eggo my eggo! anncr: some things are too delicious to share. golden crispy, warm and fluffy eggo waffles.

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p i'm jimmy kimmel. pas a talk show host i'm on my pfeet and in front of my computer pall day. psometimes my back hurts. p>> guillermo: is as a security pguard i'm also on my feet all pday. pit hurts my knees. p>> i'm shaquille o'neal. pas a former nba player, my whole pbody hurts. p>> jimmy: really? p>> really. pwhy do you say really? p>> jimmy: well, let's be honest. pyou weren't exactly sprinting up

p>> guillermo: high five! pha ha ha! pow! pare you in pain now? p>> jimmy: yes! p>> guillermo: i'm in a lot of ain! p>> that's why we have icy hot's pright? p>> jimmy: yes, right, i'll try pit on my back. pit on my knees. pmuchas gracias. plet us go. p>> i'm not done talking. p>> jimmy: i'm starting to lose pconsciousness. pthis is the same therapy used by pdoctors. p>> jimmy: okay, anything else? p>> yes! pit stops pain immediately. p>> jimmy: all right, can you let pus go, please? p>> now go use them on your sore pback and knees. p>> jimmy: all right. p>> guillermo: wow, you sure know pa lot about pain, mr. shaquille po'neal. p>> jimmy: you should have seen phim shoot free throws, that was pvery painful. p[ laughter ] p>> guillermo: ha ha ha! p>> dicky: icy hot smartrelief ptens therapy. pturn on smart relief and turn poff chronic pain in your back, phips, knees, and shoulders.

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rfebruary is huge for us. r all our handcrafted r classic footlongs r are just $6 each. the media is goingta little crazy. "sub-mageddon" with an incredible amount of accumulation inside... that now seems... enjoy all our classic footlongs for just $6 each. i filed my taxes online with h&r block for $9.99. t na na na? r look at my lil' phone. t huh? na na na. [announcer] file state online for $9.99. federal is free. hrblock.com. dad, you can just droppme off right here. r oh no, i'll take you up totthe front of the school. that's where yourzfriends are. seriously, it's,pit's really fine. you don't want to be seent with your dad? no,pit's..no.. v this about a boy? dad! stop,pplease. oh, there's\ tracy. what!t[ horn honking ] r [ tires screech ] bye dad! it brakes when you don't. p p forward collision warning and autonomous emergency braking. available on the newlyr redesigned passat.

[ scanner beeping ] sir, could you step aside? "sir"? come on. you know who i am. progressive insurance? uh, i save people an average of over $500 when they switch? did you pack your own bags? oh! right -- the name your price tool. it shows people policy options to help fit their budget. [ scanner warbling ] crazy that a big shot like me would pack his own bags, right? [ chuckles ] so, do i have the right to remain handsome? [ chuckles ] wait.

p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: we are back.

pbanners. pour next guest is a talented pactress whom you know from the pshow "community" and the movie p"get hard." pshe has an informational and pentertaining new comedy called p"how to be single." pit opens in theaters february p12th. lease say hello to alison brie. p[ cheers and applause ] p p>> jimmy: how are you? pbe careful, you don't want to pslip into the shaq indentation pin the couch. p>> i feel so small on the chair pnow. p>> jimmy: i know. pnow i feel like i'm the big one pagain. p>> i should take shaq everywhere pwith me so then everywhere i go pi feel super petite when i walk pin. p>> jimmy: don't you feel super etite in general? p>> yeah. p>> jimmy: well, yeah. pdo you want a shot off the pmargarita funnel? pwe could load it up, it will ptake about a minute to come pdown. p>> i think i'm okay. p>> jimmy: you don't drink out of pfunnels? p>> happy birthday. p>> guillermo: thank you very pmuch. p>> jimmy: yeah, he's having a prough night. p>> i saw. p>> jimmy: we got into some stuff pduring the commercial break,

panyway. pare you a drinker yourself? p>> i'm not a big drinker these pdays. p>> jimmy: you were at one time? p>> i've gone through phases of pdrinking a lot. pdefinitely when i was in pcollege. p>> jimmy: right. p>> i opened the door to it. pand i studied abroad a bit in pscotland. p>> jimmy: you did. p>> so you have to drink a lot pwhen you're over there. p>> jimmy: that's true. p>> a general rule. p>> jimmy: i've not been over pthere but it does seem that that pis kind of the way. peven like on campus? p>> oh, yeah. pi mean, my first day -- i don't pthink i started classes yet, and pthe dean of admissions took pmyself and the other foreign pexchange student into his office pand offered us sherry. p>> jimmy: the dean? p>> the dean. phe was so scottish. pit just felt right. pi mean, and we were sort of very pinnocent at the time. pi sort of remember us looking at peach other like, should we? pthen we felt very refined, like pi do, i do always when starting

pthank you, sir. p>> jimmy: wow, that's crazy. pdid you enjoy being in scotland? p>> i loved it, loved it. paside from the drinking. pno, it was just the drinking. p>> jimmy: mostly the drinking? p>> it was really great. pthere's a lot of churches that pare turned into bars, which is a pcool thing. p>> jimmy: yeah. p>> you don't see that in l.a. p>> jimmy: yeah, occasionally you pdo. poccasionally. pthere is one called the abbey pthat was an abbey. p>> oh, interesting. p>> jimmy: yeah. p>> well, okay. pbut a thing you don't see in pl.a. which is my favorite thing pthat i ever saw in scotland was, pit was 9:00 a.m., i was walking pto school, and i just saw a pscottish bagpiper in full garb laying and then just fall over, ass out drunk in the middle of pthe street. pjust like a tree branch. pit was my quintessential pscottish moment. p>> jimmy: what could be more pscottish than that? p>> it was amazing. p>> jimmy: did anyone help him? p>> no, i ran over to see if he pwas wearing underwear.

pkilt. p>> jimmy: just like the song, pthey didn't wear it. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: very considerate of pyou. p>> yeah, i thought i'd check it pout. p>> jimmy: pretty sure that's a psex crime by the way. p>> he didn't seem to mind. p>> jimmy: in this movie you shot pin new york, was that a fun pexperience for you? p>> so fun. p>> jimmy: in the city on the pstreets there? p>> it was so fun. pi love it. pwe have such a great cast. pit was really great. pto shoot in the city, the city pnever sleeps. p>> jimmy: that's what i've pheard. p>> it was great. pwe shot a lot. pthe movie is about dating and pof time shooting in bars and plate at night. pwe were constantly surrounded by pa lot of drunk people who were pgenuinely going out and having a pgood night. pone night we had to be -- we pwere asked maybe not to return pto our trailers just yet because pthere was a couple fornicating pagainst them. p>> jimmy: oh, against them, pokay. p>> or maybe like right in front pof them. pi like to think they were pstanding. p>> jimmy: really? p>> leaning against the trailer. pbe rude for you to interrupt pthem?

pthey said, let them finish. pand we did. p>> jimmy: the movie, your pcharacter in the movie dates a plot of very horrible guys, pright? p>> they're not the best, you're pright, they're not. p>> jimmy: have you had that pexperience yourself? pwhere you've been on these pterrible dates with weird eople? p>> no. pi feel like i'm letting down the pmovie a little bit. p>> jimmy: it's okay. p>> i've not been on a lot of bad pdates. pbut i've had a recent stalker. pso that's sort of -- p>> jimmy: oh, no. preally? p>> oh, don't like that. p>> jimmy: no, no. pthat's a weird thing to share, pyeah. p>> it is. pdo you want to hear about my pstalker? p>> jimmy: of course i want to phear about your stalker. pthis will really excite him. p[ laughter ] p>> so a few months ago we pstarted having little gifts left pon the front lawn of my house. p>> jimmy: oh. p>> sort of like inside the gate. pso there's a gated entry. pbut within the gate, very pspecific kind of food, phalf-eaten food items left.

pgrass near the front door -- it pwas a very specific part. pi'm not doing it justice. pit's a very specific part of the plawn to have something left on. pfirst i thought maybe a hiker pjust threw their trash over. pit would be like baja fresh, or ptaco bell. p>> jimmy: right. p>> and sort of just be laying pthere. pat first it was anger in that pway. pthen i thought maybe it was our pneighbor who like thinks we pdon't recycle enough, even pthough we totally do. pbut then it started to get even pmore specific. pthere would be a whole foods pcontainer with just a fork pstabbed through the center of pit. palways in the same place. p>> jimmy: that's no good. p>> so we debated putting up pcameras. pbut cameras are just so pexpensive. pand i kind of wanted to stay up plate and just see if we could pcatch -- i felt like someone was pmessing with us. pit was very annoying. pone night i caught him in the pact. p>> jimmy: oh, really? p>> yes. pso i'd had some groceries pdelivered.

pinstacart is a cool thing. pthey had been -- it's sort of pbeen sitting out. pi'd take the groceries inside, i pwas going through, there were pthings missing. pi was angrily e-mailing pinstacart. pmy nuts are missing! p>> jimmy: oh, that is -- p>> they thought i was sexually pharassing them, it was horrible. p>> jimmy: didn't know if it was pcoming from a guy or a girl, it pcould be terrible. p>> did it just fall out of the pbag? pso i went out front to look. pand there he was. pstanding in the driveway. pstanding between the little atch of grass that already had pfood on it and my stairs. pand he was about four feet tall, pit was a coyote. p>> jimmy: oh! p[ applause ] p>> it was not as bad as i p>> jimmy: yeah, but that's -- pthis sounds bad in a way. p>> it was a little dangerous. p>> jimmy: yeah, yeah. p>> i reprimanded him. p>> jimmy: you tell them to go. p>> they don't move. plike, it was you! pget out of here!

pand he wouldn't listen. phe charged at me. p>> jimmy: right. p>> up onto my stairs. pi tried to posture and be like, phooh! pwhat i feel like guys are going pto do when they get in a pfistfight, hooh! p>> jimmy: and? pi just shut the door. p>> jimmy: you did the right pthing. p>> felt safe in a big house. p>> jimmy: wow. pyou're sexually attractive to pcoyotes, who would have guessed. p>> i know. pbut now it's okay to have his peyes on me. phe hasn't been back. pi shamed him enough with my pwords. p>> jimmy: you reasoned with him pit's very good to see you. pi'm glad you survived the scare. palison brie, everybody! p"how to be single" opens pfebruary 12th. pbe right back with banners! p[ cheers and applause ] p p>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live pconcert series is presented by

p>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live pconcert series is presented by psamsung. p>> jimmy: thanks to shaquille po'neal, alison brie. papologies to matt damon, we ran pout of time.

pthis is his self-titled e.p., pmaking his late night tv debut pwith the song "shine a light" p pooh p light will lead the way will pset you free ooh ooh ooh p ooh ooh ooh ' cause i'm only plooking for a little peace p and when the night falls oh, pcall on me just don't forget to

p ooh say you're mine ooh take pme higher p oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on pshine a light on me p oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on pshine a light on me p ' cause i was lost at sea while pthe waves were dragging me punderneath p oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on pshine a light on me on me p searching for some grace i'll ptell you now if i could hear

p i'm praying please don't don't plet me drown just carry me away pto solid ground p ooh say you're mine ooh take pme higher p oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on pshine a light on me p oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on pshine a light on me ' cause i was lost at sea while pthe waves were dragging me punderneath p oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on pshine a light on me

p oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on pshine a light on me p oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on pshine a light on me p ' cause i was lost at sea while pthe waves were dragging me punderneath p oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on pshine a light on me