and lno ?= captions b [ horn blaring ] ?y??c ue bl ?e?d theryou ar [ tires reech ]

?$ it is a horse! [ ne ] w,ow, ta ieano'son h [ ing w,t'.what's [ ne ] ?h w,ow, ta ieano'son h ne ? we, ma it on both of u ?s[ ? we, ma it sn???f?r beer?th of u honey, i've lo two fnt ft.

can't te im eet darrin's given such a glowing description of you.

with a better office lamp, p?u to take a course practical finances. got an idea. t we all go to the tra t got an idea. anhoyou how e

and [cckles] it's just out myy chance. and you'll find a gambler. we've got to be gamblers. then it's all settled. wait a minute, waia minute, wait a minute. th dr er, excuse marling, anybody?

i don't ne any help. i'll help u. i want to talk to you. when? now. oh. i have a feeling there'something u' liabout at lady. you do? inout r. not horsy. horsy? yes,hat'right. ??6 and u should see her. she's beautiful. her name is dallyrand, and she's -- she's a horse?! yes. a horse horse? cerse rse. you mean we've been chatting ving dinner with a... u mean you turd a rse... u turned a pers-- you an d a ta

[ chuckles ] look! money! put ha iur pocket and the rest on numr ve's nose. anything you say, dolly. you're one of the greats. well, dolly, how do you like living on the other side of the tracks? i'd have to train a while, but i could get to like it. announcer: they're turning for home. it's romping roger on the rail in front. now ittivo onheut h retc itng rpier on e il in front ahead.

ne ] benedictrn y, ey. ] benedictrn oh, i beg your -- watch it, will ya? it's you. oh, hi there, mr. spindler. hello. did you find your horse? no, i'm still looking for her. i have no idea where she is. well, i'm on dallyrd's si. i don't blamhefor t coming ba, i you do? okay, so she wasn't a winner, but i liked her personality. able diane. i n'fo ae sixth ce yep. she came up lame this morning. [ laughs ] well, i sure am sorry to hear about that. well, that's what makes horse races. well, thank you for the philosophy. the only thing that can help me right now is dallyra. ?7 dallyrand is not a thing.

yeah, but take it easy on my fetl oh, sorr um, see you later, mr. spindler. yeah. is is urighance. oh, yeah. i know i cld beat that whole pack in the sixth race, but not on two legs. oh, sam, i'm a born loser. you're still entered. you haven't been scratched yet. yeah. yeah! all u o ts show up as your real self. yeahyou' right, you're right. ld it. tetveg ot one in the sixth. remeer, i'm numberne. i will. i'm gonna miss you, dolly. it's been nice knowing you. ll, thanks r too, sa awa ding there you are, dolly.

dallyrand, baby! where did you come fm? we still have time. you lo i come on! [ bugle sounds ] announcer: the hors are proaching the starting gate. but it's crazy. no, sir, i'm keeping the mon i have left. gus, you can't. this is it. dollsaid to bet everything on that horse! look, dolly's not fallible. her last tip didn't pay off. where is dolly, anyway? she was called away on a family emergency. family emergency. her sister hurt herself. gus, please. bet on number one. please! look at the odds. 99 to 1, darrin. nothing doing! gus, dolly said if you never bet on another horse in your life bet on her. i-i mean dallyrand.

then take a silly one. dolly rand. dallyrand! get it? it's a great hunch bet. now you're making sense. announcer: it is now post time. [ laughs ] ll announcer: the flag is up. [ starting bell rings ] there they go! come on, dolly! why did i do it? why'd i let you talk me into it? will ya stop? you're beginning to make me nervous, too. come on, dally! announcer: passing the stands the first time, it's big helen in front by a head. knows nothing is second on the outside, 2 1/2 lengths. spanish don is third, montique is fourth... come on, dallyrand! oh, i know you ca it. around the clubhouse turn... comen, dallyrand! where is she?

announcer: dallyrand is trailing. co on, d!meon, might as well tear these up. gus, wait until after the race. tell me when it's . can't bear to look. come on, old girl! i know she can do it. announcer: ...and dallyrand. come on! come on! come on, girl! announcer: and now dallyrand coming on the outside. look at her move! it's knows nothing in front by one length. llyrang rses the inside. she's passing them all! i can't stand it. i can't bear to look. around the final turn, it's knows nothing in front 3/4 of aength. venture out in second at a length, montique is third. and dallyrand on the rail. turning into the stretch. it's knows nothing in front one length, venture out in second. and dallyrand on the inside. here comes dallyrand. come on, dolly! come on! venture out in second,

venture out is third. it's knows nothing in front. and dallyrand on the rail! he comes dallyrand! it's dallyrand taking the lead! it's dallyrand in front! here she comes! and dallyrand wins it! [ cheering ] she won it! she won it! that dolly can sure pick a winner!

you didn't read your car insurance policy. you just stuck it in a drawer somewhere and forgot about it. until a dump truck hit your pickup truck and now you need a tow truck. does your policyer costf a tow truck? o knows? yodi't read it. in?. the libemutual app wh coverageompass? makes it easy to know what you're covered for and what you're not. call liberty mutual for a free quote today at coverage compass? gives you po informaon you need a ge. available 24/7 on your mobile device. switch to liberty mutual and you could save up to $509. call that's be y stands with you?.

congratulations, spin. you betc. it's a great day for towner'ses.bl you got yourself a real champion there. you know it. say, your friend was absolutely right. she's got a lot of horse sense. i'll never hold her back again. all she needed was a chance. [ neighs ]

k at t you got a great horse there. she's almost human. [ neighs ] [ telephone rings ] -- hello? , [ crying ] oh, hang on just a minute, will you i'm sorry, sweetheart. i know you're hungry. contil ha ] to speaa little lo. t you can't? oh, sally, i was depending on you. yes, well, i am sorry. ur s oh, yes, i underst i ou wherdid you get feelbyetthat bottle?!

it? oh, well, thank goodness. for one terrible moment, i thout maybe tabitha had

thank you. well, that's the last of them. i've t eabyster i know. i have a lunch date with darrin and a very importa client who insts upon meeting everybody's wive wellif you really want to go out to lunch, why n't you toddle off? i'll stay here wiitha. why n't you todd [ sighs ] no, mother. i-i'd better not. thank you for offering, though. what do you mean, you'd better not? yoeveru' ntayed with tabitha before. well, although this may come as a surprise, samantha, m not completer to babies. as i recall, were once one yourself. &g don't you trust me, samantha? of course i do. doesn't dagwood trust me? well... oh! at presutuous moal. refung to let me babysit with my own flesh and blood. all right, mother, all right. i'm sorry. of course you can stay. marvelous.

it'sin. and i'll do nothing ofhe tch's no i promise, angel. [ tabitha cries ] that's a nice little girl. l, charming, kindly witch, said to the nasty, old snow white, oh, don't kick, darling. make you mh omfortable. that's a girl. [ doorbell rings ] come... [ ding! ] come in! oh, mrs. stephens, the most remarkable thing happened! i was just feeding little edgar,

he grabbed the spoon -- oh! it's you. i-i thought stephen was here. ll, mantha isn't here. mrs. kravitz, do you know how to change a diaper? i was just leaving. what an adorable baby. i'll hold him whil-- oh, he doesn't like to be held. . well, then, just set the le darling right here, and i'll watch him. well, h-he doesn't like to be touched, either. ell, just as you say. oh! hello, cutie! is auntie gladys going to change you, huh? i suppose you're wondering why i came in with a baby. no. edgar is edna's child. edna is my sister. edgar was born the very same week as tabitha.

, so yeut i wasn't even near a pin. t u wosw you'lench yo fist, and you'll gurgle and laugh and eat with a spoon just like edgar!

noan s.ra. i she talked! ?h so she did [ st vrained ba ne tli i hearthat tty tatha lk. r a year n g ouldt i believe yoor s fuy ings going on over there. ce

she said, o, t you,he i won't have any." e meant milk. i had suggested that she have some milk. [ tabitha cooing ] hello, tabitha. do you have anything to say to daddy? is there anything you'd like? just tell daddy and i'll get it for you. [ coos ] i imagine she'd like her dinner. it's already in the -- shh! let her say it herself. darrin, are you all right? just fine for a man who's just learned tabitha,alk? mrs.how she said, "no, thank you, mrs. kravitz. i don't care for any milk."

she omised she wouldn't do anything. omises or no, you don't leave a ur-timloser alone with an open safe! can you get her here? that won't be necesry. broom jockey, am i? mother, you pred. truly, darling, i just couldn't help myself. couldn't help yourself? is that your excuse?! darrin, darrin, just give her a chance to exain. mother, you come down here. [ ding! ]

in the baby's mouth.ps oh, it was more than human flesh could bear! you're not human! darrin. true. mother. how dare you py your stupid, childish tricks on an innocent baby! mother -- d-darrin. there's no need to shout. you'll disturb the baby. you couldn't care less about the baby! [ gasps ] now, can't we just discuss this like adults? that baby, my granddaughter, ke a dim-witted lump so what?! darrin! all that's important is that she's a normal, healthy, happy baby! [ crying ] there. she isn't happy anymore. there. you see? you made the baby cry. i'm entitled. i'm her father. and from now on, you keep your conjuring mitts >joff of her! [ doorbell rings ] don't go away. i'm not finished. oh-ho-ho-ho! that's where you're wrong.

that right. that's right. not in front of the baby. this is the house with the talking baby? this is it. their name is stephens. oh, no. what's the matter, mrs. kravitz? you can't keep a thing like this to yourself. a thing like this belongs to the world. da y mail, ma'am. we got a call fr some la says you got a...talking baby.a'am. yes, that was me. uh, mrs. kravitz, with a "k"... that's her. she's the one. hello, tabitha. these are the gentlemen of the press mrs. kravitz, i'm sure you've made a mistake. well, i kn wi hear i don't know what mrs. kravitz told you. the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth! but the baby didn't talk. gurgled maybe or, uh...

radio. anyway, uh, you can see for yourself, she's just an infant. she doesn't even say "mama" yet. no. well, we figured as much. but we had to check it out. hey, wait a minute! she heard it. she can tell you. my mother--law didn't hear a thing. oh. are you referring to m the broom jockey? what about it, lady? besides, she makes up things. you can't believe a thing she says. my grandmother always tells the truth. [ giggles ] aha! did -- did you hear what i heard? how about a little statement for the press, honey? not tonight, gentlemen. i haven't had my dinner. okay. hold up. we'll see you tomorrow. [ chuckling ] oh, what a story. so long, folks. look for yourselves in the morning edition. hey, wait a minute. wait for me!

[ ding! ] darrin, you can push mother just so far.

goodorningtabitha. ready to give us that statement now? is that the one? looks like any ordinary baby. some ordinary! she already talks better than you. kitchy-koo, tabby! who do you like in the national league pennant, tabitha? i'm sorry. this has all been a mistake. how do you like that? people have a smart baby and all of a sudden, they get snooty. oh, my stars. no! definitely, emphatically, categorically, no! but, darrin, it's perfect!

"i like nasely's baby food because it's got the taste and texture that's right." then we dub in a baby chorus with tabitha singing the nasely jingle. larry, for the last time, she can't talk! oh, come on, buddy boy. let's not carry this modest-parent thing too far. there were witnesses! she won't do it! aha! what "aha"? you said, "won't," not "can't." what are you doing? to heck with you. i'll ask tabitha. who is it? mailman! daily mail, ma'am. what does tabitha think of the american income-tax structure? i don't think she's too crazy about it. sam. hi, sweetheart. where'd you come from? i snuck in the back way to avoid the crush. this is terrible. they haven't let me alone all day.

stimonials for baby food. oh, marvelous. i tried to get mother, but she won't come. i think she's still mad. she's mad? [ telephone rings ] oh, i've been at it all day. your turn. unh. hello. yes, this is darrin stephens. what?! you want to rent her? for six weeks to run her through a series of tests. ys go back to finding a cure for the common cold? who was that? the mayo clinic. [ doorbell rings ] who is it? man: mailman! you tried that before. u.s. mail. special delivery. you better be. it's for tabitha. got to deliver it personally. she's in conference. sure would like to see that talking baby.

who's it for? [ sighing oh, tabia. it's from had ivsity! they're offering her a scholarship. harvard unersi? but she's a girl. ey'll make an exception. oh, darrin, what are we going to do? i don't know. your mother's really done it this time. shs t be the one to get us out of this. sam, that's like asking a cobr to help out a mongoose. just a minute. han just a mi and it might work, if i can get her here. epabha uir e, sweetheart. [ indistinct conversations ] hm uhcan you create, um, a diversion?nversations ] ohll do tter than that. n. [ ding! ] thanks, honey.

bye-bye. [ engine turns over ] [ ding! ] come on, mother. i want to shou whing at been . there must be at least 100 people out there. oh, it's remarkable what a little publicity will do. now, i realize that you did what you did only out of love for tabitha, but don't you know what this means? all her life she'll have a mob of people around her. she'll never be alone. that's nothing to worry about, samantha. little girls like to be the center of attention. i always did. well, if you're willg to make the saifice. what srifice? anymore.

ice year --n't inkyou u'a we, is t thisre a well, i do have an idea. but i'll need your help. all right. ra, come right on in thank you.ourselves he.n, gent. i n't ink they'lbuy it. keep your fingers crossed. well, w es it feel to be a celebrity, honey? i beg ur pardon? she doesn't look any different to me. that's the one that flies. uh, i asked you all over tonight becae i'd li makanlo.

[ h![ =k she turned me into a baby. hey, lady, that was pretty good. so you see, that's all there was to it. i'm awfully sorry if there was a misunderstanding. you sure caused a sensation. wellwe'll ve to print retrtion you sure ca how does she stop?

th, i would ree th. y, normal. that rewith g but, but, bu.. you see how simple it was?

i think you should tell mother you're sorry. i know it was all r fault to begin with, but she did such a wonderful job of stening everything out. for the way you talked to her. forgiven me?

eren.ra laug. where are you? ?j this enra,aw! you cok re re mother! [ normal voice ] and change my voice right away! -- ca -- bellows: canelsn , wh adoin taking out a 104, sir. i'm taking it t this anoon. you have a visitor. well, colonel yeager. hi, tony. col erne ry of t pneers in the spa program.er. i haa go whre you doing here, sir? oh, oking over the cilities at the . thank yo m off to next, sir? and just wanted to drop by and say hlo oh, i will. i will.reciate it. i'll see you, tony. okay.

i didn't think d qualify." is guaredouannot i can buy just how much i nee ndospafoit". "the onlg isy thin i figured they might but i foundt?as g older- at your rate is guaranteed, too." your payments will never increase, and your coverage will never decrease, for a lifetime of coverage. benefits are paid quictooufamily, tmo. for a lifetime of coverage. "feels good to have life rance-d a life insurance company- i n count on."

...with fincial rength ratings that are among the highesof any comny, in any industry. my family needs them." to learn more about guaranteed acceptance life insurance, contact massmutual today. there's no obligation. call this number. hi, roge. hi, tonycol yeager was looking for u. diyou see him? ye. did you mean what you said this morning? what did i say this morning? that you had something better than a genie. oh, look, uh, do me a favor,ilyou? forget i mentioned it, huh? oh, ll. [clears roat]

wh about t t that aren't in print? fortunet trsld the expression on yoe if they're on the right track. and if they are, they just keep on going. if they're not, they pull back. look, you have yougenie. let me keep my fortuneteller. i just don't want you to get hurt. that's al wheret this, um madame zolta? [laughs] yeah, madame zolta. what's so funny about that? i met her coming out of my apartment.

i thght you ren'tke t meet interested. i changed my mind. think you could arrae it? well, e's giving me a reinis you could come along. how about 8:00?ged my mind. think you could [sps]t? it aat oh. listen. she's really going to impress you. she already has. i stl understand y you must meet this fortuneteller, master. would be happy to read your stars for you. oh, uh, thanks, jeannie. i don't want anybody rd rs for me. henkshe'psychi thof a swindle going on oh, but master could it not be that she is psychic? [laughing] psychic, my foot. she's a con artist. a wh? uh, she's a fake, jeannie. she's not charging him for the readings. that means she's after something bigger. i'd like to know what it is. well...from what you say, major healey believes she is genuine. major healey believes in fortune cookies. [doorbell rings] oh. at.

[sighs] roge hello! good eng major oh. good evening, jeannie. join abur ftuller. oh. goodah, she's jeannie. fantastic. , kwn woerfufortunetellers. ie? nostradas. oh. he used to tel nyxciting things that came true. well, they don'te them all right, we better be going. i'll-- i'lle he oh-ho. i wouldn't be too sure of that. you may get so fasnated with her, u n'wantwe, i hardly think so, roger. od night, jeannie. goodight, master. i will wait up for you.

say, have you heard anything about nasa expanding and buying more property around the base? no. no. isn't this your apartment? yeah, madame zolta lives right next door to me. oh, that's a coincidence, isn't it? boy, you sure are suspicious, aren't you? come in, jor heal. hello, to meet a fr- major nelson. hey, she knowsho you are. sit down. em, i-- i hope i'm inine. oh, but you're not intruding, major. i was expecting you. and when madame zolta says she's expecting you, she-- oh, how about that? three cups. major. thank you. and you take cream and one sugar. hey, how about that? do you see what i mean? she knows. remarkable, ror. major nelson... is a skeptic. no, no, no. that's not true.

and heas worried about you. well, let's say n i came with an open mind. you are a leo. y, that' i'adamzoltah reads newspapers, roger. u have a very inquiring mind. you want to know why things happen. that's true. that-- that's true. that's also tr and you are very stubborn. once you are interested in a problem, you will not let go until you have all the facts. oh, bo has she got you wnat. i have prepared your astrological chart for you. i hope you do not mind. no. not if it's not too expensive. the is no charge. quite some timpae to p.?i ue doesn't matter. i did it because...

you were gonna meet me? perhaps i read it in the newspaper. touch?, tony. ? ?z which one? thone th the sr on it... ...that you got climbing over your neighbor's barbed-wire fence. the right one. you didn't tell me about that. well, it happened when i was 7 years old.

yeah-- heyroger, that's really me. you will... disturb the spirits. oh, sorry. now do you believe me? i-- i'm sorry, madam, i-- i-i mu admit i was skeptical when i first came in here, but that-- that's really amazing. do npo i have converted that many unbelievers. i'd certainly like to know a lot more about this. i'm holding a s?ance tomorrow night. if you care to attend, you are ry welcome. oh, i'd-- i'd like that very much. can you, uh...? can you contact the spirits? if the atmosphere is right. well...i, um-- i have an aunt and uncle i lost a few years ago. i'd very much like to speak to them. uncle jeff and aunt susan. we will do what we can, major.

i'm-- i'm rather tired. oh, yes,es, rtainly. i must say, i'm-- [clears throat] i-i'm terribly impressed. i think that you will find the s?ance tomorrow much more impressive. good night. good night. good night. roger... uh, good night. good night. good night. s-s-see you tomorrow tonight. thanksgain. hakim. it was easy. you really think you'll be able to talk to your uncle jeff and aunt sue? oh, it's a possibility. ifo anybo she's grea

yes, master. oh, uh, hi, hi well, could you come over ? needfp a little-[l yes, master. oh, uh, hi, hi well, cooh. you come over ? ?m oh, a crysball. yeah. do ut you m to look up is t-- some of myld, it's telephone boo it just a piece of glass. t toead lta made you appear in her tal baasmall so inot see any reason why i ca- ?ss,es, i kn. but that's just a trk . atye good. aitit's litmo. ...could you mak 20 y rs older? yeah. that's it. , hereah.hat's it.

ee hu ?pgrea d r thin th'd beefors, no. nly dn't. ?1br tal ll. have been dead for 20 years? uh, oh, no. they're not real, sir. they're spirits. , aiev and you can summon them

that's right. t'go. 's it, jeaie. that's how s dit somehow madame zolta got a cture me as a small boy, and she puts it, um, the ystal ball, th st up through it. t wh shld ey way.

ance once 's palace. he wah iggah! [clearthroat , gera to, ... th i?

oh, ening major neoney, th ihakim. , it's much tter,k do? e toh of-- i'mameumad a tt about what you did. inoduce you eers mahealey of the tth have t before. jor nelson n. eers mahealey of the tth have t before.

ne. boy, this is spooky, shh. he needs a sign.? some ohipa lod es?a. [w a i your uncle and aunt hello out there. nycognes the spirits, speak. tony? you, my darling nephew? uh, hello, aunt sue. uh, ahem, you look wonderful. hello, my boy. it's good to see you. uncle jeff, how ar? how is everything in the old country?

i said, how is everything in the old country, you baofctop hes an t ctl,h, me zt data will tell w find us again. no, no, uncle jeff, don't go. don't go. i'd like to have a chat with you ly. they're calling us back. what? don't they give you a coffee break? we shall rurn. please do. i knew them in chicago. we will compose our souls with celestial music. [symphonic music plays] uld anyone else like to commune with a loved one? yes, i would. are you there, dear herbert? something strange is happeni. [laughs]

i'e it i've brought the spits. hello. hello, sri. this is madame zolta. do you he hing to say t [deep voice] yes, madame zolta.olta. bates: look! [gasps] spirits. les get out of here. yeah. sure. where--? where's dr. bellows? roger: oh, he's fainted.

you just give me a chance. i still don't understand what they were after. i talked to a police-lieutenant friend of mine, and he says that madame zolta is a member of a ring that's swindling people in a real estate deal. it seems that she softens up her, um-- her clients by telling them somebody is going to come along with a fantastic real estate deal. and then one of her confederates steps in and sells them a lot of worthless land. yeah, but why pick on me? i'm not rich. well, there's been a rumor going around that nasa's going to expand. of course, that would make all the property around the base worth a fortune. and they wanted that inside information. you mean, she wasn't psychic after all? [sighs] roger, you've got to stop believing in crystal balls. oh, but they can predict the future, master. oh, jeannie. well, look. look. mm. jeannie, what's going on? [laughs] wait a minute. what--? uh, jeannie? jeannie? hey, wait a minute.

jeannie! jeannie! [giggling] you see? [giggles] [whistling] oh. oh. ah. ah. good morning, michelangelo. rembrandt. oh, michelangelo, rembrandt. if you've-- you've seen one, you've seen them all. how do you like it? well, i don't know. uh, it's a pleasant, little entry. i'd like to see more grays and blues. well, the reason i didn't put thgrays and blues-- what am i discussing this with you for? you don't know the difference between a michelangelo and a rembrandt. well, i may not know art, but i know what i like. this is my little, uh, entry over here. ha-ha. how do you like it? get over here in the light. t there. w, what do you think? .. what is it? it's an abstract.

yeah, w-- i know this is for charity, roger, but that's ridiculous. well, we'll let our public decide, oy? ah, good morning, gentlemen. tony: good morning, sir. well, i see you brought your paintings in. oh, don't let me disturb you, major. uh, this is major nelson's, uh, painting here, sir, and this is, um-- not bad. not bad at all. i think i would've liked to have seen more grays and blues. ah-ha. hm. this is my little entry, sir. it's, uh, nothing really. just a little, uh-- oh, you're wrong, major. oh, definitely. i'd say it was a... triumph of, uh... matter over mind. well, i'll see you gentlemen at the auction. ror: yes.

h rembrandt. well, i'll, uh, see you at the auction, okay?

[clears throat] hello. goodbye. but i just got here. and you're just leaving. now, go home. oh! but i wanna see your painting auctioned off. the last auction i went to was in mesopotamia, and they were selling slaves, and-- oh, it was so exciting! now, jeannie-- we're not selling slaves. this is not a professional auction. we're just amateurs, you understand? no, if any of our paintings sell for more than $100, it'll be a miracle. oh. i think your painting is worth far more than $100, master. you're prejudiced. a little. i am very fond of rembrandt. [laughing] well, i'm hardly a rembrandt. now, you-- you better go home and finish your housecleaning. oh, but i have finished cleaning the house. thirty-seven seconds. thirty-seven seconds? no kidding? well, that's a record. yeah-- but, uh, see-- i can't have you around here, jeannie. uh, why dot you go out to lunch someplace. oh, well... all right. i know a wonderful restaurant in atlantis. don't get wet. i won't. goodbye, master.

your auction. [giggles] [clears throat] general peterson asked me to express his appreciation to you for coming down here and helping us with oun. ?n we're very fortunate in having two of the foremost art expertsu in the world here. it's all in the name of charity, dr. bellows. yes, indeed. sweet chary. where would you like me to put this, sir? it. hm. not bad. do you really like it, sir? the frame. the thing in it? why don't you, uh, hang it on the wall over there, major. yes, sir. amateur. oh, excuse me. well, now, i think we'd better get this auction started. oh, i hope i'm not late, sir. ah, no, no, no. you're-- you're-- we're just about ready to begin. now, uh, this is major nelson.

how do you do, sir? a pleasure. uh, where do i put this, sir? well, oh, anywhere over there. another abstract? oh, no, no, no. this is a copy of a rembrandt. uh, the amateurish quality comes through, of course. of course. anyone can see that, uh... van weesen: second-rate. very second-rate. oh, yes. it is definitely second-rate. well, i'll just hang it up over here. oh, let me help you. i'll take care of it for the major. i do know how to hang a picture. please, allow me. i'm sorry to insist-- gentlemen. [chuckling] i'm afraid they're very nice, aren't they? um, how would you like to be our auctioneer, major? uh, me, sir? well, i don't really know anything about it. oh, there's nothing to it. you, um-- you find a few kind words to say about each painting. uh, you may have to lie a little, but-- [both laugh] and then you get the bidding started. well, i'll give it a try if you want me to. thank you. uh, right over here? yes, right there.

you know, this isn't just a copy of a rembrandt. it looks to me like a deliberate forgery. and not a very clever one. the, uh, brush strokes are all wrong. and the frame...new. and everyone knows that the original of this painting is hanging in the louvre. still, it would be nice to have... as a conversation piece. yes, wouldn't it? ladies and gentlemen, uh, may i have your attention, please? uh, i'd like to start the auction now, and, uh-- and bear with me. i'm kind of new at this. [laughing and applause] uh, our first, uh, painting of the day is by major davis. major davis. [applause] pretty little thing, isn't it, huh? uh, w-- i'll start the bidding off today with, a, um...

sixty. sixty dollars. thank you very much, sir. uh, do i hear 70? seventy. seventy dollars! do i hear, uh, 100? uh, 75! seventy-five. seventy-five. do i hear 80? eighty. seventy-five. seventy-five going once. seventy-five going twice. seventy-five going thrice. sold to the lucky gentleman over there. take the picture to him, roger. [murmuring and applause] the, uh, next painting for the day is... [clears throat] ...by major roger healey. tony: roger. uh, this is a, uh, perfect example of the neo-primitive school. neo-primitive school? i'm so enthusiastic about it that i'm gonna start the bidding myself for...$50. [laughing] oh! do i hear 100? ladies and gentlemen, this is the kind of painting that goes well in... any room in the house.

please, ladies and gentlemen. you are missing the bargain of the day. an original painting by major roger healey. sixty? fifty-five? oh, come on now, 55. [both chuckle nervously] well, guess who just bought the painting. [laughing] [applause] let that be a lesson to all of you. thank you, roger. you just bought yourself an original roger healey. [clears throat] now, let me see. oh, the next one-- uh, the third painting is... this, as you can see, is a copy of a rembrandt, and i should know. i painted it myself. man: ah, well! [applause] now, uh, who'd like to start the bidding-- i'll bid $10. ten dollars. thank you very much, sir. ten dollars. uh, do i hear $10.50? uh, $20. tony: twenty dollars. twenty. one hundred dollars.

thank you very much, sir. uh, these two art critics know a great masterpiece when they see one. one hundred dollars, going once...going twice-- five hundred. five hundred? well, i-- one thousand dollars. tony: one thou-- now, see, i have a bid-- five thousand! ten thousand dollars. you're bidding 10,000 for that? fifty thousand dollars. fifty thousand dollars? one hundred thousand dollars. uh, w-- uh, now-- now, wait. no, sir, no-- gentlemen, please. this is not an original rembrandt. i painted it myself. two hundred thousand dollars. two hundred thousand--? well, that's certainly very generous of you gentlemen. i had no idea you were that interested in the air force benevolent fund. three hundred thousand dollars. and that is my highest price. three hundred thousand? take it. uh, this painting is going for $300,000 once...

going thrice! [cheers and applause] well, congratulations. your painting brought more than my painting, and you nosed me out by $299,950. i don't know what happened, roge. the people just went crazy. three hundred thousand dollars. well, maybe they figured because it was for a charity, they could use it as a tax write-off. hey, maybe that's it. yeah. hey, where are you gonna hang my painting? i don't know. i haven't decided yet. treat it gently, won't you? [knock at door] come in. major nelson? yes. dr. bellows would like to see you in the laboratory right away. oh, thank you very much. my pleasure, major. [chuckles] i'd like to see her in a laboratory. i wonder what dr. bellows wants. probably painting lessons. geller: hm. very interesting, that. you see? [knocking at door]

oh, pardon me. uh, you want to see me, doctor? i certainly do, major. would you mind turning the lights on, please. oh, yeah. there's no doubt about it. this is a genuine rembrandt. [chuckling] oh, no, sir. the-- that's a genuine anthony nelson. believe me. i painted it myself. oh, did you, major? then perhaps you'd mind telling me where you got canvas 300 years old? oh, well, i didn't know it was that old. i just found it lying around the garage. can you explain that, major? well, really there's nothing to explain, sir. uh, t-t-the art dealer sold me a bunch of old pigment. i-- i think you gentlemen are making a ridiculous mistake. major nelson, i am perhaps the world's foremost authority on rembrandt. harmenszoon van rijn. his brush strokes are as familiar to me as my wife's face. uh, w-- i don't know about your wife's face, but those brush strokes are mine.

we thought that it was. the one in the louvre must be a fake. there is no question about the authenticity of this painting. are you beginning to get the picture, major? but, sir, i-i-i-- i don't know anything about art. i just know what i painted. now-- oh, look, i-if you'll just go look at the bottom right-hand corner of this, you'll see that rembrandt has signed it: "rembrandt." c-- jeannie... harmenszoon. yeah. now, major, you're going to tell us where you got this painting. well, i'm a-- i'm afraid i can't, sir. and i'm afraid you'll have to. you see, major, if you painted this picture and signed it rembrandt and sold it, you're guilty of conspiracy and grand larceny. on the other hand, if you didn't paint it, and it's the original rembrandt that was hanging in the louvre, then you're guilty of theft. both: and grand larceny. and grand larceny.

would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what?

ble's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. switch to time warner cable. for $89.99 a month you'll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. we can call aunt rose as much as we want now. hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee with no contract to sign. plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. really? honest...no.

jeannie! jeannie! this is your master calling, jeannie. where are you? [jeannie singing in foreign language] hi, jeannie. oh, hello. what are you doing? i am painting a van gogh. oh, isn't rembrandt good enough for you? [chuckling] did the auction go well, master? oh, no, it went great. i can't tell you what a sensation my painting caused. oh, i am glad. what did you get for it? about 30 years. [giggling] oh. i do not understand. jeannie, it's against the law to go around painting original rembrandts. but why? he painted so beautifully. because they're gonna put me in jail for it. dr. bellows has given me until tomorrow morning to explain that painting, and i couldn't explain it in a million years. oh, i am sorry, but, but-- but i-- i only did it because--

tony? tony! yeah, i'm-- i'm up here, roger. hi, jeannie. hi, tony. hey, h-- i just figured out what must've happened. well, look, you-- you painted the picture, jeannie blinked and turned it into the real thing. brilliant! from now on, we'll call you rembrandt. [laughing] oh, roger, ah-ha! that's fu-- that's about as funny as a court martial. and that's exactly what's gonna happen to me if i don't explain that thing by tomorrow morning. have somebody say the picture's a fake. well, i thought of that. it wouldn't work. oh, how do you know it will not work? because dr. bellows is flying over pierre millay from paris. pierre millay? yeah. yeah! no kidding? who-- who's he? pierre millay is the art expert at the louvre. he's-- he's the world's foremost expert on art. oh, boy. well, the world is gaining a rembrandt, but losing an astronaut. are you standing there

aint it, general. he pretended to. but i have two art experts who swear that it's genuine. art experts have been known to make mistakes. oh, i'm aware of that, sir. so i've taken the liberty of flying in the greatest art expert in the world: pierre millay, from the louvre. and if he says it's genuine? then major nelson will have to explain what he's doing with a stolen rembrandt. and once he does that, then i think we can make him explain a lot of other mysterious things that have been happening around here. i've waited a long time for this day, general. major nelson. yes, sir. monsieur millay will be here any minute. shall we go? um, i don't think it'll be necessary, sir. there's something i want to tell you. oh, i'm sure there is. but i don't want to hear it. you-- you don't want to hear it? that's right, major. this time, you're gonna make your explanation in front of general peterson. i want him to hear it. yeah, but, sir, really--

i want you to know i don't believe a word of this, tony, but since dr. bellows is making an issue of it, it's my duty to get to the bottom of it. yeah-- i understand, sir, and, uh, there's no point in waiting for mr. millay any longer. i may as well tell you that, uh-- well, this painting-- ah, monsieur millay! ah, you must be dr. bellows. yes. how kind of you to come all this way. as you americans say, ses could not keep me away. [laughs] this is general peterson. how do you do? monsieur. and this is major anthony nelson... monsieur. ...alias, rembrandt. but if this is a joke, i do not understand it. oh, you will, monsieur millay. you will. are you ready to make your confession now, major? oh. well, i-- i may as well, sir. you see, this picture is really a--

it is a fake. a fraud. uh... how you say? uh-- a phony. a-are you trying to tell us that, uh, this is not a genuine rembrandt? that is what i am saying. but i have two experts who say it's genuine. this could have been painted by... by him. ye-- oh, yes. as a matter of fact, it was. doctor. yes, general. the time that you painted it, and since the money was for charity, there's no fraud involved. do you agree with me, dr. bellows? well, i, uh... yes, general. i think there's something you'd like to say to major nelson, uh, isn't there? i apologize, major. oh, that's all right, sir. everybody makes mistakes.

monsieur millay. but it was not for nothing, monsieur. here is my bill. five hundred dollars? make the check out to your favorite charity. why, yes, doctor. you could make your personal donation to the air force benevolent fund. oh, but, general, i-- i'll see you in my office immediately. oh, uh... [laughing] [in jeannie's voice] did i do well, master? oh, jeannie! you were wonderful. i'm glad you're pleased. i'm just sorry for poor dr. bellows. now, you pop out of here and go home. i'm gonna take you out tonight, and we're gonna celebrate. that would be wonderful, master.

hey, hey! come in here. i can't have you wandering around these halls. i want you to go home. you want me to go home? [clears throat] oh, uh, t-- take off your beard, and put on your prettiest dress. take off my beard and get into my prettiest dress? [laughs] one of the best i've ever seen. i-- i wish i had a picture of the expression on their face-- [gasping] you-- wha-- welcome to america, mr. millay. can i take your hat, sir? uh, major nelson, i-- you still here? still here? but i just got here. and there was no one to meet me at the airport. oh, that's too bad, but i'll see to it that someone takes you out

catch the next plane back to france? but i flew 3000 miles in order to see our genuine rembrandt. i'm sorry we had to disappoint you, sir. if you want my candid opinion, monsieur millay, as an art critic, you're highly overrated. carl was right. all americans are crazy! i go home! monsieur. uh, art expert. well, at-- at least he can tell a phony rembrandt when he sees one. mm. oh, there's one thing that's been bothering me, major nelson. yes, uh, just before we went in to see, uh, general peterson, uh, you were about to make a confession. oh, oh, ye-- yes. yes. and, um, i was, um, uh-- just wondering, uh, what it was. uh-- oh! ah, yes. i just wanted to tell you that, um-- uh, yes? yes?

oh, poor dr. bellows. they are sending him away for a long rest. well, i think he deserves a rest. hey, have you decided where you're going to hang my painting yet? yeah. right there. right there? right-- right-- right where? right there-- jeannie. oh, very funny. well, i still don't know why no one bid on my picture. oh, perhaps they are not yet ready for you, major healey. well, maybe you're right. i really enjoyed painting that picture. it was the most relaxing thing i ever did. then you must paint more often, master. yeah, but it looks so easy.

[tony laughing] no! but, sam... no, i-- haney, get your hand outta the pickle barrel. but sam, you're the only-- i'm not gonna do it. i--haney, get away from those apples. i've been mayor of this town for 37 years, and i don't wanna be mayor again. but, sam you-- no, thanks. it's a miserable job. don't pay nothin' and-- in fact, it cost me money to be mayor. i had to buy me a frock coat, a high hat, and... haney, get your hand outta the cash register! and besides the expense, i had to close up my store for all those silly civic functions, and where are you going with that shovel, haney? but sam, you gotta reconsider. no, sir. i'm through. find yourselves some other boob to run for mayor. but where are we gonna find another boob like you? good morning, gentlemen.