gary hart, and i'm trying to quote him exactly, said he wishes people would forget his personal life and concentrate on his character. [ laughter ] that's kind of like carmen miranda saying, "other than the hat, how do you like the outfit?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] hollywood goes crazy for royalty, and guess who's coming to los angeles in february? >> prince andrew and fergie. well, her name is what? sarah ferguson, but they call her fergie. prince andrew and fergie are coming to los angeles. a lot of people don't understand the lines at the throne. do you understand it, exactly? for example, for charles to become king, the queen would have to die, right? for andrew to become king, the queen and charles

is harold the other little boy? would have to die. but for fergie to become queen, the whole royal family would have to be wiped out in an airplane crash that killed wayland flowers and madame. [ laughter ] [ applause ] anyway, we have a good show tonight. you didn't announce our special guests. george bush, and robert dole will come out here to do "who's on first?" [ laughter ] we have the one and only miss bette davis, with us tonight. [ applause ] and... a very funny performer, martin short, is with us tonight. [ applause ] and possibly,

and his orchestra, so we'll be right back. stay with us. [ music ] [ applause ] >> thank you. [ applause ] you finally did it-and it was actually easy. who would have thought? you did what dad taught you to do- you took care of business. you made up your mind. got it done. and that's a load off your shoulders. that's how it feels to get guaranteed acceptance life insurance: simple, affordable coverage for people age 50 to 75. massmutual designed it to help cover expenses all of us leave behind: funeral costs, medical bills, and other debts. how affordable is it? rates can start at less than $10 a month, with your choice of

to $25,000, so you can choose an amount that works with your budget. and this will make you feel even better: your payments are guaranteed to never increase, and your coverage will never decrease- for a lifetime of coverage. and benefits are paid quickly to your beneficiaries when they need them. best of all, with guaranteed acceptance life insurance you cannot be turned down. there are never any medical exams or health questions, at any time. putting policyowners first for more than 160 years... ...with financial strength ratings that are among the highest of any company, in any industry. it offers your family help for the future. and gives you peace of mind today. you got the facts...got motivated...made your choice-then you made it happen. you did the right thing. the smart thing.

ask about this important coverage. there's no obligation. call this number.

[ music ] [ applause ] >> we are back. thank you, doctor. [ applause ] >> jungle jim. >> jungle jim and his -- >> all leopard orchestra. >> anyway, tonight, we have miss bette davis. she is quite a lady. she's along in years, but she's as feisty as ever. she says what's on her mind, and she is a survivor. she is out here tonight, and marty short is with us. did you get your calendar yet, from the bank? >> i have not-- yes, i have, as a matter of fact. >> remember when -- i don't know whether they do it anymore, the only people that sent calendars that i can remember were the local garage, a bank, and for some reason,

[ laughter ] >> counting the days. >> it's like they're waiting for you. what's the name of the funeral home in norfolk? >> hauser? >> hauser. that's right. the xx hauser funeral home. i'd get this lovely calendar. it's like, they're waiting for you. [ laughter ] anyway, calendars are now a big business. a lot of them are not sent out for free. you can actually buy them. look at some of these. here's a beautiful calendar. is there a price on these? this is called the first family calendar. it's done on high-quality stock, you know, with pictures of-- here's the president trying to remember what he did august the eighth. [ laughter ] very nice pictures. one of him on the ranch. of course, they always have the cheesecake calendars, you know. [ whistles ] to show you that we are not chauvinistic, did you know that the l.a. policemen have put out a calendar of officers

but they want to show you that our police are in pretty good shape. [ applause ] okay. here's one here. preposterous pigs. if you like pigs. tom selleck has a calendar. "magnum, pi." [ applause ] greatest nfl quarterbacks. here's one that has a reproduction of a renoir famous painting, on each one. 's >> um hmm. >> the sierra club, which is a good organization, wildlife calendar. this is just a-- here's my favorite. junk food. >> look at that cover. oh. >> junk food calendar. these are what's inside. all of these junk foods. "leave it to beaver" calendar.

now, we went searching around for some specialty-- and all of these calendars have specific dates. if you look through the sierra club calendar, they give you things that happen on certain dates. we found some very unusual calendars here, that soon will be in some of your favorite stores. here's one called football fans. let's see. january eighth, 1957. an historic event. during an nfl playoff game, the first male beer gut evolves. [ laughter ] to give a fan a place to rest his doritos and bud light while watching the game. november 24th, 1962, housewife trina glowatski, wearing a filmy negligee, is the first female to hear the phrase, "hey, honey, that can wait until halftime." [ laughter ]

you're making up your own stuff, already? july 13th, jerry falwell bobsleds down a water slide. he did that, you know. let's see. september tenth, 1987. jim and tammy bakker's dog, revlon-- [ laughter ] dies in freak electrical accident, when it mistakes the air conditioner in his dog house for a fire hydrant. [ laughter ] would you believe they have a bathroom graffiti calendar? of course you do. let's see what's in this one. august 20th, 1935. i wasn't aware of this. the father of modern graffiti, f. scott fitzstall, is awarded the nobel prize for literature, for penning the immortal couplet entitled, "beans, beans, the magical fruit." remember that? [ laughter ]

if you don't think they're specialized, friends, take a look at this one. the toll-booth collectors calendar. let's see what goodies await us, here. september tenth, 1978, new jersey turnpike toll collector roland ripley moonlights as a male exotic dancer, but is fired from his toll-booth job when he shows up wearing briefs with an exact change basket attached. [ laughter ] are we going to get a big call for this one? how many puppeteers calendars are they going to sell? not many, i warrant. oh, good heavens. june 20th, 1968, muppet creator jim henson-- we all know jim henson? while giving draft physicals as an army medic, which he was, is discharged from the service for using kermit to make a man cough. [ laughter ]

bag boy calendar. for supermarket. why not? if you've got a joke, you've got a bag boy calendar. august ninth, 1983, safeway bag boy emilio bacardi revolutionizes blind dating, when he offers his blind date a choice of paper or plastic. [ laughter ] i have one more, here. the fred de cordova calendar. [ applause ] january first, 1937. fred finally remembers to stop dating his checks b.c. and start using a.d. [ laughter ] and one more entry here. september second, 1986. an enraged de cordova really tells johnny off

"great show," but leaves off the sir. remember that? [ laughter ] never have. bette davis will be out in just a moment,

[ music ] [ applause ] >> okay. now, my next guest is a very talented actor and comedian.

on both "second city tv," nbc's "saturday night live," his movies include "the three amigos," and "inner space." this is his first time on the tonight show with us. would you welcome martin short? [ music ] [ applause ] welcome, welcome, to our humble little set, here. >> why thank you. and what a pleasure to meet you. [ laughter ] >> thank you. >> you are wonderful. that was great. i am so excited to be here, and i brought you a little gift. i brought you a bottle of champagne. [ laughter ] but if you could do bette and i a favor, and maybe drink it on the way home. [ laughter ] >> you won't want to go with me, either. >> no, no. i'll run along. >> the people who just joined us are not going to know what we're talking about. refer back to the early part of the show, and figure it out, because it may be bleeped. good to see you. >> good to see you.

>> well, i'm a tremendous fan of this young lady, and of course, ed, i worked with. you're probably thinking, which "star search" was that? [ laughter ] now, let's see. that was with the david steinberg show, in toronto. ed was up there. [ applause ] >> that's right on. >> david, david, eddie. david, eddie. you know, john, what's amazing to me about having ed? we wanted to have doc, but we didn't have doc.bu [ laughter ] >> oh, that's wonderful. that's right on. [ applause ] >> it was amazing to me. then he goes very low. and then he goes up again. >> he does have a speech pattern, doesn't he? >> oh, my goodness. >> is dave from canada, too? >> yeah. winnipeg. >> and you're from canada? >> yeah. hamilton, ontario. [ applause ] >> you have a great ear for that. did you start as-- fooling around in school, when you were very young? picking up on impressions?

the people that you admire, because you just watch them. it's the only possible way that you would. when i used to do jerry lewis as a kid, and i used to do it very high, but then i noticed that as jerry got older, there was a kind of an attitude. and i found it was easier if you did him, you know, if you imagined that you were sucking on a lozenge. i don't know why. it's not that he does a lozenge, but you just have an imaginary lozenge, and you go, yeah, john. how are you doing? bette! [ laughter ] wow. [ mumbling ] [ laughter ] and of course, katharine hepburn, i did on saturday night live.

>> i love that. >> but i did it as nelson hepburn. we did a piece called lifestyles of the relatives of the rich and famous. [ laughter ] and i played katherine's third maternal cousin. nelson hepburn, who's a hot dog vendor in central park. [ laughter ] and i would work there every day except sundays. he'd say, "sundays are mine. they always were." [ laughter ] [ applause ] he'd say, "i get up in the morning. i sleep late, and i read all the papers, and i have a huge bowl of bran. the next few hours, i'm indisposed, and i phone friends." [ laughter ] >> it is flattering, generally, to be mimicked, or impersonated. do you ever hear from anybody that you do, who may-- i know for a while,

impression of him. at first. i think he began to like it, but he didn't particularly care for it. >> i think that there are certain people, you can't help. if you're going to do someone, you really have to do all the different angles of them, you know? but, i do robin williams, and robin's a friend, and, you know, i thought he might be a little offended, because it was all based on energy and, oh, it's wonderful to be here. and here sounds like there. and oh, what a wonderful song, and don't touch that hair, mary! you don't know where it's been! [ applause ] and it's so fast. >> and he just kind of goes along, and then goes -- >> oh, there's doc. doc, doc, like a nurse. help my arm. >> it's that wild stream of consciousness that goes through. >> he's so great. >> he was on about a couple weeks ago, and absolutely got on a roll, and it was just like, things were clicking on and off,

the time what he was going to do when he got up. he started, and just would-- >> yeah. well, sometimes, you know-- when i once met richard burton, and burton was a huge idol, to me, and i was very nervous. he was doing "camelot." i had a tendency to always be tongue tied. goofball, basically, when i would meet celebrities that i admired, so i decided that i was really going to be intelligent, and plan what i was going to say. i went back stage after "camelot," and i said, i just want to say to you that you are an enormous presence on the stage, and not for one second did i feel that i was watching a movie star. i thought i was watching king arthur." and i thought he would then say, thank you, and move on to the next person. but he didn't. he talked to me. like a real person. he said, "well, did you not find the reverb was somewhat distracting? booming off the back speaker, it did not bother you, at all?" and i said to him, "thank you." [ laughter ] >> that was it, huh? that's all you planned.

never look back. it's difficult. >> have you ever tried to get somebody you can't quite nail? there are loosely people. robin is not easy, because his voice is not easy. it's an attitude, more than it is the voice. >> some people-- i mean, you would be impossible, to me. rich little does you, and it's amazing. >> i don't know that it's particularly good, or not. >> i tried to do paul simon, once. it was like, i sure like playing in africa. it's like doug henning, right? the power of illusion. [ laughter ] >> doug henning? is there a big call for that? >> magic is illusion. an illusion that can be magical. [ laughter ] that may not sound that intelligent, but then, i'm not that intelligent. [ laughter ] and jamie farr. >> jamie farr? >> yeah. i'm a lover, not a fighter, but that's like groucho marx, so no. and lucy, i tried, but i could only get that.

hurry. [ laughter ] what i'm saying is, you have to have more nuance. you can't take that on the road. >> not really. >> gary cooper, i only have three words. forget it. he's dead. that's not enough. [ laughter ] >> i have been walking on ballfields for 16 years. remember that great speech? >> yes. >> who was the character on saturday night live? ed grimly? >> yeah. [ applause ] >> what is that? a composite of a little of this and a little of that? >> oh, it was just a character. kind of a very optimistic spirit. very excited to be here, i must say. oh, give me a break. being on "the tonight show," with johnny carson? i suppose that doesn't make me mental, i must say. [ laughter ] [ applause ] if i had known you were here-- you are so decent, i suppose your movies aren't the best in the world. give me a break.

i talked to victoria. she's living with me, now. >> oh, you're doing rickles, now? >> oh, i'll just do anybody. >> well, who haven't we covered? you working on anybody? >> let's see. >> did you do me? >> do i do you? >> yes. >> well, i mean, you aren't that easy to do. >> then we'll skip it. i just wanted to know. >> yeah, okay. [ laughter ] now-- >> what's the total on the board, ed? >> then there's jerry's laugh, of course, which i love. he's like a plum pudding, bubbling. [ laughter ] oh, a lozenge. i'll put it there. [ laughter ] >> now, you've got children,

acting like this, does that disturb them? do you think they understand that this is what you do for a living? >> i am teaching my comedy, children. what did i say? >> you're teaching your children comedy, or your comedy children? >> both those things. that's what i do. wa! no, i'm trying to create a comedy dynasty. not since the wynns, and barely there. [ laughter ] i'm teaching a comedy dynasty. not since the wind and barely there. i'm teaching my daughter, i taught her, for example, that when she falls down, she must wait for her laughs. she can't just get up, you know. [ laughter ] i've taught her how to do-- win an oscar. i taught her with a barbie doll. she just holds the barbie doll, and i told her to go oh, baby! [ laughter ] >> it might play. who knows? >> it won't. >> we'll be back in just a moment. [ applause ]

[ music ] [ applause ] >> it's catching. yotu you're a lot of fun. it's nice to meet you, and have you on the show. >> oh, thank you. >> what's coming up for you? >> i'm writing an hbo special, "martin short goes to the movies," and i start a film with nick nolte, "the fugitives." >> hey, sensational. >> thank you. >> come back with us. >> i'd love to. >> okay. bette, has "whales of august" opened, yet? the movie? >> i don't know to what extent. >> freddy's doing this. here and there, it has opened. >> yes, i think it's here and there. oh yes, and i've always,

to sell something, and there's one little announcement i'd like to do, for sale. the paperback of my book will be out around valentine's day in february. >> alrighty. >> yes. i feel more comfortable here, that i've tried to sell something. [ laughter ] >> otherwise, people say, what is she doing there? >> what am i doing here, is right. >> it's a privilege to have you here, tonight. it's always fun having you on the show. >> a privilege to have me-- johnny. i really enjoy it. >> thank you, bette. thank you, martin. thank you, have a nice night. [ music ]

? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? three's company, too ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ?

hard as rock. soft as jell-o. chrissy. i'll bet shirley i love it when you talk like that. who's this shirley? oh, jack, she's our gym instructor. she's going to be here any minute and we're all going to lunch together. oh, great a lady gym instructor. i know just the type. their faces always look like they do push-ups with no hands. you know: pow, pow. and they have great bodies, great for climbing trees. you know-- ( imitating chimpanzee ) ( doorbell rings ) ( high-pitched ): come on, girls! hoo-hoo-ha-ha! hi, shirley! come on in.

shirley, right. hi. i was just showing the little girls what happens when you don't take care of the old bod, you know. hi, you must be jack. yeah, all six feet, 180 pounds of me, hi. ooh, what a firm handshake! thank you. i bet you keep yourself in pretty good condition, huh? well, not really, actually i'm about uh, what, ten pounds off my peak fighting weight. you're a fighter? well, you know, uh, boxing you don't seem like a brawler to me. well, that's nice of you to say. but you see, when you're captain of the navy boxing team there's always some young punk you know, a little wise guy who wants to brag about taking down the big guy. funny, you never mentioned that. yeah, you said you had asthma. that's why they kept you in the kitchen. chrissy. chrissy... chrissy!

that they put me in the kitchen was because they felt that lifting those 100-pound potato sacks would help me with my decathlon training, remember? oh, is that your event, the decathlon? oh, did that just slip out? yeah, uh, actually... ( clears throat ) i'm very good at throwing the javelin and throwing the discus. he's good at throwing lots of things. chrissy, why don't you go get your purse. let's get going. hey... i'd love to see you again. why don't you drop by the gym? i love watching a real man work out. i'm sure jack would like to see that, too. i will be there with barbells on. how about that? chrissy, let's get going, come on! so, i'll see you maybe later today. ( teasingly ): bye, jack. bye-bye, chrissy. bye, shirley, see you later. ( low-pitched ): "bye, shirley, see you later." oh, jack, you can let your stomach out now.

one more. burn it out. ( grunting ) there you go. ( stationary bike squeaking ) shirley. uh-huh? where you been? out with some creep? harvey, you're my brother, not my nursemaid. yeah, and you're my baby sister and i worry about you. i don't want you going out with guys and getting burned. how can i get burned when you never let me get cooking? ( slightly exasperated grunt ) ( person whistling ) you in the air force at all? what's that say: "harvey's... health spa"! that's a nice shirt. hey. can i help you? yeah, i was just looking. who are you? i'm harvey. you're harvey? well, hello, mr. spa, nice to meet you.

what do you call it-- introductory special, here. actually, i'm in pretty good shape. but my muscles could stand a little toning up. not that one. that one's fine, thanks. have a seat over there. we have a number of different programs. and, well, i've got to know how strong you really are. so please put your arm up here. oh, sure, let me just warn you i'm actually a lot stronger than i look. you can ask my roommates. let me know, anytime you're ready. we skip all of that? you know, the only reason i'm here is to get next to that brunette there, you know? oh, really? i think you're ready for our "x" program. "x" program? let me ask a question. are you and that pretty brunette are you guys, uh, going together or anything? oh, no. oh good, good. because i wouldn't want to make you mad, you know.

well... i think you should be able to handle this with no problem. mm-hmm. sure, no problem. no problem. okay. got it? yeah, yeah, i got it. it's all yours. okay. hands a little slippery there. sorry about that. okay, let's get this. okay. ( breathing rapidly ) yaah! ( high-pitched ): excuse me, coach would you give me a hand here? if you could just... need some help? yeah, just, uh... ( panting ) all right. let's go over to the bench press. what's this do? lie down. it's going to develop what will be your chest. can't we go back to the "a" program? oh, no, no, no, no.

okay, you ready? yeah. okay, now: one... ( panting ) eeh! come on. get it off, get it off, mommy! ( panting ) maybe we should go to the leg press. my chest-- we got to go back there and get my chest. you'll really thank me for this later. and hit the showers? now, you watch and you do what he does. i got it. you got it. sit. now, i want you to do 40 lifts and i'll be back in a few minutes. i'll be dead in a few minutes.

( panting ) hi, jack! oh, hi, shirley. how are you doing? fine. isn't that a little heavy for your first workout? are you kidding? thirty-nine... f-f-forty. whew! i know. that was a hard weight for me, too. for you? hey, listen, why don't you come over to my place for lunch tomorrow? ( growling ): oh, i'd love it. great, here's the address. see you at noon. great, thanks. thirty-nine...

wh-wh-wh-what? and then you will be through with your warm-up and we can start your workout. my workout? what's so funny? i'm just thinking of jack this morning when he got up-- he looked like a pretzel. i know, that workout yesterday really tied him in knots. i had to feed him breakfast. the poor guy, we really shouldn't laugh. no. ( both snickering ) ooh! that little weasel! harvey? is there something wrong? no, i'm just going to kill somebody.

i mean, he's dating my sister! harvey, what's wrong with that? what's wrong? she's only 26. innocent. why, she doesn't know what's going on in the world. and i think i know the guy that she's doing it with-- that zipper fellow. both: tripper. you know him? no! hm-mm. no. no! well, i know where to find him and shirley-- over at her apartment. ah, harvey, what gives you that idea? because, i just tried to call her and she didn't answer the phone. well, i do that when i'm with... mmm...! when i'm not there. well, look, it was nice chatting with you ladies but i've got to go scramble some guy's face. ah, harvey, uh, you're really tense there. look how tense he is, chrissy.

with a couple of great girls? it could be our treat. you pick the restaurant. i hate restaurants. oh, well, uh, in that case why don't we just mosey on over to our place? what, you live near here? uh-huh. yeah, just a couple of blocks away. i guess i could have a quick bite. all right, well, let's go then! yeah, great. ( gasping ) i can just see the headline: "man dies while putting on pants." ( doorbell chimes )