(upbeat music) ? about cave people in the strangest place ? it's about time, it's about flight ? traveling faster than the speed of light ? about cave people and the brave crew ? as through the barrier of time they flew ? past the roman senator ? past an armored knight ? to this modern site ? it's about time for you and me ? to meet these people from a million b.c. ? it's about two astronauts ? and how they educate ? a prehistoric woman ? and her prehistoric mate

- strange things in cave of mac and hec. - everything strange this side of hill. (audience laughter) (gronk grunting) look, no reason to be afraid, has no teeth. - shad not afraid. (vacuum running) thing make angry noise! - no wonder angry, tail in caught in wall. - gronk look! a big stomach! - maybe hungry. - hector, you and i have to have a talk.

- we can't even send them across the street. they don't know red from green. - neither do a lot of drivers. - hector, that cave family, we brought back to the 20th century. they are our responsibility. - we brought them here, but how are we gonna keep them here? - what do you mean? - well, any minute now that manager's gonna knock on that door and demand that those people leave. just as sure as my name is lieutenant canfield. (door knocking) - lieutenant canfield! - that's my name. - my potted palm has passed away. sick. - cause of death, teeth marks. - well, i didn't bite it. - don't look at me. - well i know exactly where to look. - now wait a minute, mr. tyler, in the moment of your grief, in the hour of your despair. - unhand me, captain. this, lieutenant is the work of those weirdos that you allowed to move in here. - now just a minute, i resent your calling those people weirdos. - you deny it?

r, things are under control. believe me, they are really under control. (vacuum humming) - strange animal following everything! - gronk kill. - [mlor] breer be careful, father be careful. - under control? they're attacking a vacuum cleaner. - gronk help!

i'm going to have a little talk with our friends. that's right. you should be ashamed of yourselves. - gronk sorry. - shad sorry. - breer sorry. - mlor sorry. - gronk sorry. - shad sorry. - alright, let's not go through that again. look, mr. tyler is the manager of this apartment build-- if you don't keep out of trouble, he's going to throw you out, and me and hec too. - gronk just want to kill strange animal with little round legs and big fat stomach. - it is not a strange animal, it is a vacuum cleaner. - "vacup clemmer?" - "vacoom clooner?" (vacuum cleaner gibberish) - just call it a broom. - [hector] captain, i think he's coming too. you just stay out of trouble. just sit there and don't move a muscle.

- no, i'm not alright. i've been insulted and assaulted, and i insist that those things leave. - those people happen to be a very nice family. - no nice family runs around with animal skins. - oh, come on now, mr. tyler. would you throw out the ambassador of turkey, just because he wore a fez and his wife wore a veil? - of course not. - and you want to throw these people out, just because they dress differently? - oh, they don't. they come from-- - from where? - where they come from, captain? - where? nordania. - nordania? - yes. oh sure, nordania it's a small country between greenland and norway. yeah, it's west of siberia and east of alaska. - you don't say?

fact, gronk and his family happen to be very important in nordania. - they even know the ambassador. - the ambassador from nordania? - hector. - as a matter of fact, he's in town today. - he is? - he's coming over here this afternoon for tea. - the ambassador coming here to my apartment house? - that's what i said. - that's what he said, i heard him. - well, there are many things to be done then. many, many things to be done. - yeah, we certainly did. now all we have to do is get the ambassador of nordania over here this afternoon. - oh, my. - hector, those poor cave people are gonna get tossed out of here unless-- wait a minute, wait a minute. good old tony, it just might work. - [hector] captain, i know this guy who can stow us away in a banana boat. - there's an actor here who can help us.

tell him captain mackenzie. - yes, sir. - we don't need an actor, we need a lawyer. - let me handle this. - let's reconsider the banana boat, it stops at new guinea, guatemala, and devil's island. i think we'd be very happy on devil's island. - hmm? - devil's island. - his dressing room is number 23 in building e. - thank you. - ah, it is more than a nose, 'tis the nose of noses. e in. - tony? - mac, me boy! shareholder of the memories of the youth, where have you been? - well, around. - and around, and around, and around. - what a delicious sense of humor, you astronauts have. - this is my friend lieutenant canfield. - could i have your autograph? - oh, certainly. it is a pleasure to meet yet another star traveler.

but i'd like to ask you a favor. - if 'tis in my favor to do you a favor, then a favor i shall do. - yeah. what he say? - i'm not sure. actually, it's more than a favor. - a top secret mission? - you could say that. - concern with the outer space program? - you could say that. - well, then name it. - tony, we'd like you to pose as the ambassador from nordania. - from where? - nordania, that's between norway and greenland. ird. yes, yes, yes, yes. - you've been there? - been there? played hamlet in their opera house. - well anyway, we have this family from nordania staying with us. they are a little bit unusual. and we have to convince somebody that they are friends of the ambassador. - oh, simple thing for a man of my talent. it's a costume role, i presume. - just the usual ambassador's outfit.

- think nothing of it, my lad. it's the least i can do for you voyagers in space. you boys who challenge the stars and dare the universe. is nothing sacred? - [mac] come on, thanks tony. - are you sure there isn't a place called nordania. - of course i'm sure, we made it up, didn't we? - actors. - not move. - gronk not sure if can move. - you all did very well. - arm asleep. - all of mlor asleep. - everything looks pretty wide awake to me. - look, we think you can stay in the cave with us, if you promise to do one thing. - shad give promise. - gronk give promise. - breer give promise. - mlor give promise. - gronk give promise. - shad give--

to the kind of clothes we wear on our side of the hill. - gronk take back promise. - but there's a very important person coming this afternoon, and we want you to look nice. - gronk look nice now. - please, mr. gronk, for us? - for mac and hec, anything. - good, let's go. - you sure? - no, but no sense both of us worrying. - [mlor] oh! must be cave of mighty hunter. - mighty big family. - no, this is where we all buy our clothes. - good! shad want this one! - mlor want this one. - be careful, i can't afford those things. put it back.

- i think they're perfect just as they are. jane is divine. and as for tarzan's mother. - not like look on face. - shad. - only change face a little. - no. can you do anything for her? - one lives in hope, sir. what size is madame? - i don't know what size is madame, shad is this size. when shad sits, she this size. would you walk this way, please. - shad try. - we'll try this one. in there please.

- oh yes, known them for a million years. - now you just leave everything to me, sir, it is our proud boast that we can outfit anyone properly. - there they are. - well, almost anyone. - i'm sure this new dress will improve her appearance. - so would a traffic accident. - well i never. - frankly, i never have either. (screaming) - stick gronk with pin! - shad help! - [mac] no, shad, wait. - where they go? breer not want miss fun!

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- shad not like new custom. - (sighs) there's an important friend of ours coming over and we want you to look good. - mlor look good in own skin. - you can't argue with that, captain. - thanks a lot. look, this friend of ours can be a big help, and we want you to look nice. - shad want to help mac and hec with friend, but not wear new clothes. - like old clothes better. you know, it would be easier to move a mountain. - that's for sure. a mountain. hector, that's it, a mountain. - (gasps) you want us to jump off a mountain? - no, if the mountain won't come to mohamed, than mohamed has to go to the mountain. - captain, you've been under an awful lot of pressure, i think you'd better lie down. - [mac] no look, mr. tyler thinks the gronk family are weirdos because they wear animal skins, right? - well they do look a little different.

comes here dressed in an animal skin. - oh, then mr. tyler will think that's what they all wear in nordania. - right, he'll think it's the native costume. great idea, hector. - captain, what would you do without me? - [mac] do i have a choice? - no sir. when i think of all the trouble it took to find that size 8 bikini for miss mlor. - i thought she wears a 10. - she does, she does. (chuckles) she does. - gronk, mac and hec gone. like mac and hec want. - gronk not wear new clothes. - shad think of something to do, come. - what we do in this room? - on our side of hill, when friend come to cave, how gronk and shad be nice? - we give something to eat and drink. - same on this side of hill.

- gronk find too. - well gentlemen? - oh, well, that's not exactly what we had in mind, tony. - it happens to be the authentic attire of an ambassador to the united nations. - we were thinking of maybe an animal skin. - i'm sure i could--an animal skin? - yes. - impossible. - no, tony wait a minute. see, this family you're going to meet wears animal skins all the time. - i don't care if they swing from trees. - see, we're trying to prove to this mr. tyler-- - i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i refuse to rush around town dressed like smokey the bear. - alright, alright, if you're willing to admit that you can't act the part of an ambassador, simply because you don't have the proper attire. - i made no such admission. tony nugent can act any role in any attire. - aww, thank you, mr. nugent. now, the only problem is where are we gonna get an animal skin. - the costume department of this studio

- anything else? - one more thing. can i have an 8 by 10 glossy picture? - my dear boy. - [mac] come on. thanks. - must be kookurooku eggs! - must be leg from mastodon. small mastodon. - make something very good for friend of mac and hec. - oh, good idea. - good. everything wet go in that bowl. everything dry go in this bowl. - right. shad, dry. for you. - put in my bowl. that wet. that go in your bowl. - oh, gronk sorry.

(peculiar woodwind music) - good, more coconut. - good.

- shad here. - [gronk] gronk here. - hector, stop worrying. - me, am i worried? me worried? - yes. - you're right, i'm worried. - i tell you, tony will be here. - and i tell you he won't. and tyler's gonna come up here, and throw us all out in the street. and these poor cave people are gonna get run over. (door knocking) uh-oh. - [mac] come right in, mr. tyler. - well splendidly, captain. - mr. ambassador was quite impressed with the flowers in the lobby and the red carpet. - yes, i bring you greetings from nordania. - who him? gronk know? - another tribe, no hair. - [mac] come right over here, mr. ambassador, i have a surprise for you. gronk, shad, i'm sure you remember your old friend, the ambassador? - [nugent] good to see you, gronk. - my name shad. - yes, of course.

- yeah, tell him, miss shad. - have guest in cave, shad make good things to eat. - gronk make good things to drink. - everybody sit. - for a nordanian, you speak excellent english. - yes, well now, prepped at oxford and on to cambridge. would've worn the old school tie, but it just doesn't go with (scoffs) this. what she can do with a braised leg of brontosaurus is not to be believed. - [mac] hector. - [tyler] i wonder what they're serving. - [nugent] probably one of our native nordanian dishes. delicious, you know. - [gronk] everybody eat. - nordanian style.

- good, hot like fire. (sickening horn music) - shad knew everybody like. (coughing and gagging) - [tyler] may i help you, mr. ambassador?

- say, that native meal was quite a surprise, wasn't it, mr. tyler? - yes, captain and i have a little surprise of my own. i'll be back as soon as i can. - we did it. we did it, tony, we did it. - [hector] you think we really convinced mr. tyler? - naturally, it was a typical tony nugent performance. - [gronk] good news. - [shad] have more food. - [mac and hec] oh, no. - [hector] i wonder what's keeping mr. tyler. - [mac] oh relax, hector, i'm sure his surprise is something nice for the ambassador. - [hector] well i'm worried, he's a sneak. - [nugent] never fear, old boy, my performance was magnificent. a thespian triumph. (door knocking) - [mac] oh, come in.

- mr. polanski. - allow me. - "spasiba." [polanski] somebody want to tell boris what is coming off? - sneak. - you're so right. - that is ambassador? ha! that is tony nugent, actor from studio. - perhaps, mr. polanski, you'll allow me to explain to you ] how many times, i tell actor not to take costume from studio? - sir. - don't listen while i'm talking. - [mac] mr. polanski, may i say something? - oh, you astrobird. you also astrobird. see picture in paper. - was the pose like this? - other actors look better than tony.

very pretty. perhaps i find part for you. oh, you very good type. you can talk? - shad talk good. - have accent, but get same coach teach boris. fix good. you look more caveman than caveman. - that's really typecasting. - tony, you get back to studio, take costume and club off. - yes sir, anything you say, mr. polanski. - if i want find actors, maybe to make stars, where'd i find? - yes, mr. tyler, where would he find them? - why, right here, of course.

- goodbye. very glad to meet me. - [hector] yeah, we did it!

- listen, tyler isn't fooled easily or for long, keep your fingers crossed. (door knocking) - who's there? - [tyler] mr. tyler. - like i said, he isn't fooled easily or for long. come in. - hello, gentlemen. - [mac and hec] mr. tyler? - [mac] what's that for? - when mr. polanski gets ready to cast that film, i want to be ready too.

? it's about time it's about space ? about cave people in the strangest place ? it's about time it's about flight ? travelling faster than the speed of light ? about cave people and a brave crew ? as through the barrier of time they flew ? past an armored knight ? past a fighting minuteman ? to this modern site ? it's about time for you and me ? to meet these people from a million bc ? it's about two astronauts ? and how they educate ? a prehistoric woman and her prehistoric mate

(peaceful music) ! - gronk have harder name. (doorbell rings) - shad answer singing door. gronk practice more! (doorbell rings) - good afternoon madam. my name is mcallister and i'm your neighborhood fuller brush salesman. i'm here to tell you about the magnificent things that can be yours by just signing your name.

this, madam, is a clothes brush. removes the lint instantly off any type of... allow me to demonstrate our latest shoe brush. guaranteed to shine up any type of... now this, this is something no woman should be without. a back scrubber. - back scubber? - yes! care to try it? - shad try. - now if you'll just sign here, the company will give you that as a present. - present? - it's yours to keep if you'll just sign here. - shad sign good! - oh, very, very good! incidentally, which brush do you want? - shad want all.

thank you! (doorbell rings) - good afternoon, my name is miss rand-- (gasps) good afternoon sir, my name is miss randolph. - my name gronk. - mr. gronk. (sighs) can i interest you in subscribing to some magazines to help put me through college? - college? what is college? - oh! (laughs) very funny sir! must enjoy the lighter side of life. here, look through this. - pictures! like pictures. nice pictures. present for gronk? - certainly, if you'll take one magazine. - take all! - oh! sign right here, sir! - gronk sign. - hi mr. logan. - hello miss randolph. - great day, isn't it?

to round off a terrible month. - friend, your troubles are over. - what do you mean? - i mean that building down there, apartment 909. - what about it? - mcallister told me the wife bought a whole line of brushes. and the husband, he subscribed to 17 different magazines! - i'm on my way! (laughs) (singing) (doorbell rings) - encyc-- - encyclopedias, here let me help you sir. now if you would just sign your john hancock on this paper, sir. - not sign john hancock, sign gronk! gronk write name real good. - [shad] shad write her name better!

- no, no, no, let me explain. you see, what i told that general-- - i know what you told the general hector, that's why we had our leaves cancelled! - oh! (gasps) captain we do live at 909, don't we? - of course we do! - isn't that nice? (quirky music) just what i've always wanted. - gronk, shad! - mac, hec, we have wonderful day! - what is all this stuff? - much more in bedroom!

you teach us to sign name. - sign name for many stranger, they all send present! - where they going to get the money to pay for all that stuff? - they didn't pay for it, they signed. - somebody's gotta pay for it. - hey buddy, these chinchillas have to be fed. - chinchillas! - [delivery man] this is 909, isn't it? - [hector] yeah, but... - you live here? - yeah, but... - congratulations. raise chinchillas for fun and profit. - thank goodness there are only two of them. - for the moment. these things have lots of pups. in a month you'll be up to your elbows in them. - captain, let's look at the brighter side. they could have ordered elephants. - how do you know they didn't? - keep the door open. i'm bringing up the xylophone. - was bad for gronk and shad to sign name? - very bad.

- hec sorry too. - nobody is sorrier than i am. - mac, shad have question. - yes? - if bad to sign name, why mac teach us? - that is a question that will keep me awake for months. - captain! what are we going to do? - i am going to stay here and make sure nobody delivers anything else. you are going to take shad and gronk to the service entrance, clean up all that stuff in the alley and put it in the truck! - right, they can tell us if it's all the stuff they ordered. - not even roll roy 'vertible? - roll roy 'vertib-- a rolls royce convertible? go, quickly. - go, go, go! (frenetic music) go! go, go! go!

- look lady, i told you a hundred times, - she's not hurting it! - well i don't like her playing with it. (harp plunking) aw come on lady, it's against company rules! - shad like! - well i don't care if shad like or not like. - shad have fun! - knock it off, buddy. play lady, play.

- gee, that's a pretty tune! that's all of it. - all but one thing, lieutenant. - what's that? - you! - huh? - when i get this stuff back to the warehouse somebody's going to be asking an awful lot of questions. - and i'm going to have to give the answers? - shad and gronk come? - [hector] no you go back to the apartment. - apartment? - go back to... - yeah, but hurry it up! - yes sir. go back to mac and hec's cave. - mac and hec's cave. - right. - [deliver man] hurry it up lieutenant! - i'll be there-- tell mac i'll be there in about an hour. (quirky music) - hec say "right". - we do what hec say.

if wrong, we go that way. we go this way. - gronk marry smart woman. - and you'll get your notice to report in two weeks. and congratulations. you became members of the greatest outfit in the world when you signed your names. - sign name? - that what man said. - gronk sign name! - you're joking! - gronk sign, show where. long-haired beatniks do something for your country by signing up! sign here. - shad sign. - no, no, i'm sorry lady. you'll have to find a wac recruiter. - rack regrooter? - [gronk] here, gronk sign. - good. if you write down your address here, in a couple of weeks you'll get your enlistment papers. - not want to wait. - you don't understand. you're entitled to two weeks! - now! - is that your wife?

okay. i'll take you in. - make sure he gets many things for signing name. - don't worry lady, in the army he'll get absolutely everything that's coming to him. let's go. (military music) - mlor, breer? - breer sign name! - mlor too! - go see. - very good! mac be very proud. where mac? - gone. - go with men who bring many presents. father not come back? - father sign name, go with man who promise to give him many things!

(laughs) - good morning. i'm looking for mrs. shad. - you bring present? - my name is miss wilson, i would like to see the lady of the house. - boy, girl, lady. name shad. - oh. (laughs) and yesterday you signed up. - not sign up, sign shad. - oh, yes. (laughs) quite right. well as a courtesy for new members i'd like to give you a tour of the club. - shad take whatever you give. - well if you'll just follow me. - when father come back? - soon. while mother getting present, father getting present too.

this is mr. gronk, sir. he wants to get inducted immediately. - sergeant, i'm not interested so much in what he wants as what he is. - gronk man, mighty hunter. - mr. gronk, where are you from? - i think that's in tennessee sir, overhill, tennessee. he's built like a bull! we can use men like that. - [corporal] well, give him his physical. - when gronk get present?

- now just take your time before you answer.

- and you're sure your father's gone? - yes. - and you're sure mac's gone too? - yes. - (sighs) i can't understand it. why would they want to leave you here alone? - not leave us alone, leave us with each other. (door opens) - [hector] captain you were supposed to stay here. - i know. i had to return a few dozen things they signed for. - we're in big trouble! gronk and shad are gone and in different directions. - mlor, where's your mother? - go with lady to get club. - what would mrs. shad want with a club? - i don't know hector, i don't know. what did she want with 50 frozen turkeys? going to have! (laughs) - what did the lady say when she took your mother? - "come, let's go to get healthy club." - that makes sense, who'd want a sick club? - no hector, a health club! shad obviously signed up for a ladies health club. - oh come on, let's go! - yeah but wait a minute, there must be at least 40 of them. - oh yeah. - do you remember the name of the club? - it has same name as bird. - vulture! - vulture health club? - pelican?

- that's your idea of exotic? - well it would be to another yellow-bellied sapsucker! - [mac] a hummingbird, a cockatoo, a peacock! - a canary, a swan! a red-breasted herring eater! - [mlor] that it, that it, that name of bird. that name of one. - the red-breasted herring eaters club for ladies? - no, no, swan. - the golden swan! that's a ladies health club on the other side of the park, let's go. - captain! we're fellas, they won't let us join. - come on! and you, stay here. - this is our massage room, and this is hilda. - she big for lady! big for man. - (laughs) you'll find that mrs. shad has a marvellous sense of humor, hilda. - yeah, good. i like to laugh when i work. - hilda will tone up your muscles. i'll be back to pick mrs. shad up shortly

- why take clothes off? - everybody takes off their clothes for a massage. - you take your clothes off? - course not. - then shad not take clothes off. - alright madam, if you are too shy, lie on the table. - shad not tired! - do you want me to give you a massage? - shad want to get whatever you give. - then get on table. (crunching) (shouting) - shad not bend that way! (groaning) - now, turn around. no, no, no, on the back, on the back. that's it, get over, that's it. now, now. now i show you how to tone up muscles.

how do you like that, huh? how do you like that? (laughter) - how you like that? - please, please, please, hilda give massage. hilda give massage. now, we work on arms. (shouting) there! that hurt? - that hurt? - please, please, stop! now wait, wait. ve chin and face muscles firm. firm! firm, yeah? (shouting) - now for chin! - (gasps) oh mrs. shad! - is my turn! - oh, i must show you our exercise room. - uh, miss wilson? that lady will be back? - she signed up for 10 lessons!

rm you up and smooth you all over. - shad not understand. - oh. well, allow me to demonstrate. now you take it and see how it stretches the arm muscles. - who pull from other side? - mrs. shad, i can see we're going to have to work, work, work. step this way please. oh, here we go. now if you'll walk over this way please. - shad have trouble walking any way! - in the exercycle please. - how get in? - just sit on the seat, mrs. shad. come on. here we go. - put foot in this one.

(shouting) - [intercom] miss wilson, report to the front office please. - excuse me, i'll be right back. you know, i've been in this business for a number of years-- - yeah well, we're sort of in a hurry. - she is the most unique woman i've ever met. - that's the word alright. - if i may quote an ancient persian proverb, your friend is a nut. - miss wilson, we do want to talk to her. - i'm delighted you're here. down the hall, second door to the left. - thank you! - thank you.

- shad, have you seen gronk? - yeah, where is he? - nobody can find him. - please stand still, miss shad. - shad not standing still? - have you any idea where gronk is? - gronk sign, go with man. - what man? - suit like yours only different. - how different? - color green. - an army uniform! - gronk sign, go with man. - he enlisted in the army! - oh cheer up, maybe it's not ours. cross your legs. - cross legs? - put one leg over the other. (thud) - you hit gronk, gronk hit you. (clonk)

- gronk do. how high? - as high as you can. good heavens! that weighs 300 pounds! - i've seen guys lift 300 pounds. put it down please. sit down please.

- this guy's skin must be made of steel! - ridiculous. i've got one that can penetrate anything. let go of my arm! - not stick gronk any more. - i've got to get a sample of your blood. - gronk stick you! not like it here! gronk go back to cave. - corporal, stop that man! - yes sir! take it easy fella, i was judo champ of my outfit! (shouting)

- he's in here! (crashing) gronk put me down, it's me, mac! - ooh, ooh! - captain, we'd better explain this to somebody. - don't need to hector, the three of us will calmly walk out of here. come on. - but if gronk walks out the army's going to start looking for him!

please don't worry, it was my fault alright? - shad wrong. - don't worry, he was the one that taught you. - don't help me, hector. - gronk like signing name. - alright, but do me a favor. the next time you want to sign your name, ask me, hm? - if make mac happy, gronk ask. - shad ask too. - good, now let's forget all about it. (doorbell rings) - i'll get it. - it's a horse. - oh! mlor sign name. - breer sign name too! - aw don't cry kid, i just couldn't get them both in the elevator at the same time.

(fingers snapping rhythmically) ? they're creepy and they're kooky ? mysterious and spooky ? they're altogether ooky ? the house is a museum ? when people come to see 'em ? they really are a scream ? the addams family man: neat. sweet. petite. ? so get a witch's shawl on ? a broomstick you can crawl on ? we're gonna pay a call on ? the addams family ?

my favorite part about being a dad is just to see their faces in the morning when i wake them up. the first thing you think about is your wife and your kids and your family. you think about what life would be like for them, without you. so i had surgery locally, and it came back after my follow up that i needed a second surgery. and that's when i said i need a second opinion. from the moment i walked through the doors, fact that they included me in the whole process and asked me what i wanted to do. it makes you feel like you're part of the family. rod came in with ah, pretty advanced cancer and i remember thinking, he's just like me, he's like my twin. we're almost the same age, the same height- he's much more athletic- but almost the same life circumstances as far as having kids and raising a family, he just happens to have cancer. for rod, we combined chemotherapy,

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(singing) (strumming) (growling) thank you, thing. congratulations. darling, you remembered. how could i forget our 13th anniversary? it started on the stroke of midnight. oh, i'm so excited, i can't get it open.

oh, darling, what a sensible gift. a bat net. querida, it's a nightgown. oh. lace. for our 13th. oh, darling, it's beautiful. and my favorite color, too. black. you're ravishing. wednesday: whee! (wednesday laughing) congratulations! pugsley: whee! (lurch playing harpsichord) all: happy anniversary! thank you, darlings. well, now, this is a surprise. you didn't think we'd forget your anniversary. not the 13th. that's the lucky one. have you and father really been married 13 years? oh, yes. and there were those who thought it would never happen.

go into that tonight. oh, that's my favorite story next to dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. please tell us. well, all right. let's everybody get comfortable. now, originally, your father wasn't supposed to marry me. he was supposed to marry my sister, ophelia. aunt ophelia? she was the catch of the season. aunt ophelia? whoever said that? her mother. granny frump, my old school chum from swamp town high. i'll never forget that day. the sun was shining and the birds were singing. i knew we were in for trouble. gomez, are you gonna spend your whole life sitting there when romance is on the way? (coughing)

you're the one that's collapsing. been sitting at that contraption for 22 years. it's time you tried a girl. i don't like girls. well, you can't marry a vaporizer. (foghorn sounding) i'll get it, lurch. who could that be? it can be the big surprise i've arranged for you. mrs. frump and her daughter ophelia. pull yourself together, gomez. you may be meeting the girl you're going to marry. lurch, they're ganging up on me. what'll i do? run. run? but where? the foreign legion? it's too far. how about the american legion? (groaning) esther frump! oh, it's good to see you again, frumpy. you haven't changed a bit since swamp town high. and neither have you. and this is my beautiful daughter, ophelia.

(coughs) give him your hand, ophelia. go, go! why so pale and wan, fair gomez? my head's stuffed. oh, poor, poor laddie. i know just the thing for that. you do? yes. (groaning) well, how is it now? it's gone to my back. oh, how nice. boys are always falling for ophelia. she's a handy one. it was not for nothing she had all those judo and karate lessons. every girl should know judo and karate. oh-oh, i lost one. one what? daughter.

oh, there she is. (kitty growling) come on, kitty cat. oh, you're so stubborn. i'm gomez addams. i'm morticia frump. that's my pet pet. (kitty growling) kitty cat likes to eat. i like cats. what's in there? (whirring) my plant. plant? in there? oh, she bites. her name is cleopatra. and this is my doll. her name's marie antoinette. i chopped off her head.

g her under wraps until my ophelia's married. had to bring her along 'cause i couldn't get anybody to sit with her cat. well, it's not easy to find lion-sitters these days. (kitty growling) after eating, kitty likes to exercise. we've a nice garden. she can run around it. i'll show you. gomez? she can find it herself. gomez, why don't you and ophelia take a walk in the garden? oh, it's too chilly out there. ophelia will warm you up. i'd better get my coat on. a coat? in july? well, it is more becoming. i just wanna keep my bronchial tubes warm. yeah, you wouldn't want a son-in-law with cold bronchial tubes, would you?

, take my hand. (bones crunching) coming. that boy of yours is all boy. so is that girl of yours. well, let's plan the wedding. what else do you like to do? on rainy nights, i like to snuggle into bed with a mustard plaster. "we are such stuff as dreams are made on." do you like to dream, gomez? i have better nightmares when i'm awake. my dreams are of d'artagnan, of don quixote who will tilt his lance against the foe. like this! (sneezes) come on, now, cleopatra, have some nice zebra burger. (slurping) (gulps) all right, i'll up the dowry to 3,000, make it a six-layer cake,

and i'll supply the guests. fair? it seems fair. i hope ophelia finds gomez to her taste. she's very particular. back so soon, gomez? it's getting chilly out there. i have to get my cape. (clears throat) would you like to join us in the garden? could we dig some graves, for my dolls? i like to, but i'm afraid it would be too strenuous for me. oh. well, then i'd rather stay here. this one's name's anne boleyn.

oh, he was sweet. fair gomez, is there anything you'd like to do? yes, go into a coma. (exclaims) oh, he does have a delicious sense of humor. and he shall be rewarded. you're going to leave? nonsense. i'm going to amuse thee, sire. (gasping) playing violin) (groaning) i told you, she's all talent. and beauty. isn't it wonderful, son?

and would you believe it? she's a great cook, too. here, hold my strings. i'll whip you up a lunch you'll never forget. phew! i'm sure of it. [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app.

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(exclaims) ophelia cooks all day just so she can do dishes. she loves to do dishes. she does? she loves water. she's forever jumping into fountains and little brooks. even tubs and sinks. her cooking's good, though. u didn't eat a thing. i never eat lunch. it spoils my dinner. you didn't eat much, either. oh, ophelia's a marvelous cook but i don't like those kind of lunches. what kind do you like? oh, crunchy things, like fried eye of newt, or barbequed turtle tips. or cold yak? oh, yes, yes.

yes, mama. they don't sound crazy to me. they sound yummy. ophelia: oh, gomez. you better go now. good idea. oh-oh. she's not outside, silly, she's in the kitchen. i know. go on, you bashful boy. your bashful girl is waiting. come in, come in, the water's fine. come along, come along. you can dry. it's like playing house. thanks. come, come. dry, dry. i think i chipped that one. slightly. must be the hard water.

did i do that? no, our aunt trivia sent us a whole dozen of these cup handles. it's beautiful. this one's unbreakable. (plate shattering) well, it used to be. gomez. let's play hide-and-seek. but my bronchitis. nonsense! here, you hide here. no, no, i'd find you there. that's the first place i'd look. i know. i'll hide and you seek. tell me, do you think i'm sweet, kind and unselfish? oh, you say the sweetest things.

has anyone ever told you you have the softest brown eyes? no. besides, my eyes are blue. no wonder no one has ever told you. you found me! it wasn't easy. now, you've earned your reward. drink to me only with thine lips. how was that? that was green. now, you hide and i'll seek you. good idea. no, no, no! not that way.

(screaming) what color did you say your eyes were? blue. keep them that way. by the way, how old are you, pigtails? 22. really? i thought you were much older. ophelia: oh, there you are, gomez. (gomez screaming) congratulate me! congratulate me! gomez and i are going to be married. hallelujah! love at first sight! ophelia: and i only twisted his arm once.

you will be my bridesmaid. thank you, ophelia. your bridal bouquet. thorns? oh, no. i want daisies, buttercups and fresh weeds. i'll go down to the bogs and pick you some. congratulations, gomez. i tried to run away. you'll have beautiful children. you'll both have them. that's what i'm afraid of. i don't want to marry ophelia. oh, my, that is a problem. oh, what lovely trains. i just adore trains. you do? well, let's give them a whirl. these trains always take my mind off troubles.

) what's that? that's my friend, thing. what a charming helper. he's been my companion since childhood. you... you don't think he's peculiar, do you? of course not. we must accept our friends for what they are. here, you run the trains. (train horn blowing) (train whistle blowing) (train horn blowing) isn't it exciting? one train going east, the other one going west. i have an idea. what if they crash, head-on? better still, i'll blow them up!

when they meet at the bridge, wham! (train horn blowing) (train whistles blowing) c'est merveilleux! you spoke french. yes. say it again. c'est merveilleux. something strange is coming over me. for the first time in my life, my sinuses are clear! how's your bronchitis? it's gone! my bronchitis is gone. magnifique. i don't know what i'm doing, but i can't help it. i could help it but i don't want to. speak some more french. comme ci, comme ca. moulin rouge. soupe du jour. anything.

my darling sister. oh, yes. what'll we do? i have it. what? i'll call my uncle fester. why, thank you, thing. sweet old uncle fester. he used to write an advice-to-the-lovelorn column. he'd still be doing it, too, if everybody hadn't started suing him. (telephone ringing) darn it. a person just can't relax around here. hello? morticia: hello? you'll have to talk louder. hello, uncle fester? it's me, morticia. morticia who? morticia frump. morticia frump? i'm your niece.

but he's engaged to marry my sister, ophelia. what should i do? forget him. anybody that'd marry your sister, ophelia, must be a nut! what did he say? he wasn't home. i'll speak to my cousin itt. he's had lots of personal experience in affairs of the heart. a real ladies' man. oh, he sounds perfect. up the chimney? well, sometimes he prefers the broom closet. as a matter of fact, he sort of looks like a broom. well, not really a broom. a mop! sounds fascinating. yes. don't go away. say something else in french. voila. (grunts) cousin itt! (itt chattering)

(itt chattering) cousin itt, my whole future is at stake and all you can think of is your own selfish pleasure. (itt chattering) is that your final answer? well, at least you're keeping an open mind. cousin itt, you've got to help me! if you come down, i'll let you play with my octopus. you can use my vaporizer! i'll let you blow up one of my trains. (itt chattering) cousin itt, i knew i could count on you. i always said blood is thicker than water, and everyone says you're thicker than both. itt, i'm in love. (chattering)

(chattering) thank you. you're such a suave, sophisticated man of the world and i thought you could give me some advice. you see, i'm engaged to one girl and i love another. what should i do? (chattering) isn't that against the law? (chattering) oh, come on, itt. an old roue like you ought to be able to figure something out. think. boy, you really are thinking. (chattering) really? (chattering) well, you sure make it sound like a sensible way out. i'll tell morticia. she's the one i'm in love with. thanks a lot, itt. underneath all that hair, you really are... what are you underneath all that hair? (chattering) roots? makes sense.

enjoy yourself! and thanks a lot, itt. hello, birdie. (cawing) my, you sing pretty, too. morticia. cousin itt has the perfect solution to all my problems. it does sound rather simple. i'll join you. be my guest. well, au revoir. that's french. not here, darling. in the hereafter.

and did you die? no. we had the guns at the ready and just as i was about to say "three," thing reached out and snatched them away. thing never could stand noise. we'll tell you the rest some other evening. that's right, children. it's time for bed. come on. go on. oh, i almost forgot my shortcut. dear uncle fester.

(fingers snapping rhythmically) ? they're creepy and they're kooky ? mysterious and spooky ? they're altogether ooky ? the addams family ? when people come to see 'em ? they really are a scream ? the addams family man: neat. sweet. petite. ? so get a witch's shawl on ? a broomstick you can crawl on ? we're gonna pay a call on