morning, sweetheart. hi. still in love with that coat? what coat? it's been open to that same page for the last three days. oh, that's the center page. it opens there naturally. mm-hmm. how long for the pancakes? oh, just a few minutes. well... i'll finish getting dressed. ooh. [ sighs ] oh. [ ding! ] [ gasps ] mother? [ chuckles ] mother, i can't wear this coat. yes, you're right, samantha.

[ ding! ] oh, that's perfect. tsk, mother! i know, i know. i don't understand, but i know. i will have a mink coat when darrin can afford it, and not before. wear it in good health. [ ding! ] mother! you take back this coat! [ ding! ] hi. hi. you know, it's crazy, but i've been looking picture of that mink coat for so long, i could've sworn you were just wearing one. [ laughs ]

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darrin? would you like to tell me what's bothering you? i don't know, honey. i-i don't seem to be getting anywhere. i mean, i've been doing pretty much the same job for the last three years, and what have i accomplished? sweetheart, i think you've accomplished a great deal. like what? well, look around you. we're not exactly starving, you know. well, honey, i know we have most of the things we need, but just having the things you need isn't everything. i mean... i'd like to buy you some of the things that you haven't got.

what about that fur coat? oh, darrin, i haven't heard you talk this way before. do you remember the new account i was telling you about -- waterhouse and company? the one the agency's been trying to get for years? yes. oh, don't tell me you lost it. no, we got it all right. the trouble is, i will not be handling it. did you talk to larry? larry is the one who told me about it. well, i know how you feel. but maybe -- well, maybe you're just in too much of a hurry to get to the top. remember, you're still young. i'm young all right, but i won't always be young. [ telephone rings ] if that's larry, tell him i'm on my way. hello. oh, hi, louise. yeah, sure, i'd like to hear some good news.

terhouse account? oh, i can't wait to tell him. oh, well, all right. if larry wants to tell him himself, i understand. i won't say a word. it won't be easy, but i promise. oh -- oh, i'd love to. yes, i'll do some shopping, and then i'll meet you for lunch. okay. bye. who was it, honey? what are you so happy about? she wants me to meet her for lunch. oh, boy. some life i've given you. what do you mean? a little thing like going out to lunch, and you're ecstatic. i'm easy to please. now, i'll just go change, and then i'll drive you to the office. honey, i'm a little late. mmm! only take a minute. darrin. larry, i want to speak to you about the waterhouse account.

talking to you about it first. do you remember the hofstadter-douglas account? yes, but -- before i took over, hofstadter hadn't spoken to douglas in over 30 years. you did a fine job there, darrin. and let's not overlook the michael sales company account. before i took charge, they couldn't give away ice water in the middle of the mojave desert. a memorable job. yes, it was. and don't change the subject. then there was the pender drug account, and sheridan cement. all first class. and all the others. i haven't thought about hours or days off. i've proved my loyalty, and it's about time you gave me an unqualified vote of confidence. now, larry, either i get that waterhouse account, or you get yourself a new boy. you got it. i mean it, larry! i've got the waterhouse account? that's what i wanted to tell you when you came in.

because i was too immature. what did i do, age overnight? i just thought it over, and this morning i changed my mind. and, darrin, i know you'll do a great job. good luck. well, thanks, larry. you won't be sorry. i still don't get it. what made you change your mind? oh, it's the boss's prerogative. i'll buy that. i can't wait to tell sam. oh, i was tempted to tell her myself, but i knew that you wanted that pleasure. oh, yeah. when -- when did you see samantha? there's a great little wife you've got there, darrin -- has your every interest at heart. she sure has. she's got more confidence in me than i have in my-- uh, larry, you, uh, stopped and spoke to her? we chatted awhile. you chatted awhile. yes.

what are you talking about? i will not accept any job that my wife got for me. darrin, you got this job because you're the best man for it. that's not the point. any success i make in this business, i'm going to make on my own or not at all. look, i'll have to make this fast. mr. waterhouse is outside. before you meet him, i want to brief you -- i don't need any briefing, larry. waterhouse is a very conservative man. he's been making thumbtacks since 1888, i don't know why he decided to change agencies and come with us, but take a tip from me and play it sincere and conservative, hmm? uh-huh. betty, would you please ask mr. waterhouse to come in here? larry, you just leave everything to me. ha ha. well, if it isn't ol' j.p. waterhouse, thumbtack king of america. stephens is my name, and advertising is my game. lay it on me, baby!

who's handling my account? uh, yes, mr. waterhouse. this is darrin -- you bet your bottom dollar i'm your boy. but time's a-wasting. let's get down to brass tacks! brass tacks! ha ha! i got a million of 'em. all levity aside, porterhouse. now, i've been looking at your advertising, and believe me, some of your ideas went out with hoop skirts. i mean, it's, "hey, you, kid with a wawa brush!" uh, what darrin means, mr. waterhouse, is that, uh, some of your ideas ht into better focus -- oh, no, no, larry. larry, that isn't what i mean at all. what i mean is, waterhose, baby, you got to get with it. that tv commercial of yours where the executive comes in, and he puts the poster up on the wall, and... oh, that has got to go! but, say, what if you should take a -- mmm, cute, little secretary, and she comes into the boss's office, and she's putting thumbtacks in the boss's drawer,

s down? [ shrieks ] that'll bring the tv viewer right out of his chair. bring the boss out of his chair, too. that's enough, darrin! hold it, tate. i'll talk to this boy. young man, you might as well know it now. i don't like you. i don't like your manner. i don't like your style. i don't like your attitude. but i do like your ideas. stephens, i'm putting next year's entire campaign in your hands. you are? yes. we've been advertising the same way for 30 years. it's not working anymore. that's why i changed agencies, decided we have to keep things up to date. get to work on that campaign right away. and, uh, remember one thing, gentlemen -- waterhouse is my name, and thumbtacks is my game. he wants me. [ sighs ] darrin... you must have somebody watching over you.

't win. where are you going? to a bar to drown my sorrows. drown your sorrows? you just landed a big account. well, let's just say i'm a sore winner! yeah, you came to the right guy for advice, darrin. i'm an expert. i know everything about marriage. that's why i'm still single. i don't get it. i'm married to a girl who can have anything in the whole world, yet she chose me. you take my brother. the trouble is, he's been married for 16. hmm. she must love me. gave up everything for me. but obviously she misses all those luxuries. who can blame her? it all boils down to the old question -- is there a life after marriage? she just didn't want to hurt my pride... wants me to think that i'm the breadwinner.

women get weary wearing the same shabby dress. well, then, that's the time to go out and buy her another shabby dress. that's why she's doing it this way... instead of just whapping up a million dollars. i guess i have been selfish, forcing her to give up her witchhood, live on my salary. poor little witch. you see, the thing to do is to try to keep the magic in your marriage. she's been a great wife. be my way of saying thanks. oh, listen, you're welcome. anytime, darrin, old boy. anytime. oh, darrin! oh, it's -- it's beautiful! well, you shouldn't have. oh, but i'm glad you did.

you guessed i would, huh? well, you deserve it! mmm! it's beautiful. you like my gift, huh? well, darrin, you know what they say -- it isn't the gift, it's the thought that counts. oh, yes, of course i like it. sam, you could've whapped up a mink coat anytime you wanted. oh, darling, the important thing is that you gave it to me. i guess i shouldn't have worried about getting that account. after all, you said you had a strong feeling about it. about you, too. sam, what if i hadn't gotten the account? oh, darrin, i'd feel the same way if you were a total failure. but you're not -- you're a success. and you're going to be an even bigger success. that's love. that's confidence. well, how about a drink? honey, did you ever hear the old saying, "behind every successful man, there's a woman"?

well, they ain't seen nothing yet. huh? suddenly i have a tremendous feeling of power. why? because nobody ever had a woman like you behind them. oh. thank you. [ rain falls, thunder crashes ] wow! sweetheart, you better take your umbrella. i'm sure it'll stop raining in a few minutes. it's raining awfully hard! what makes you think so? because i want it to. what? i mean, i feel it will. oh. [ laughs ] have a good day. i know i will. my, you are mr. confidence this morning. i'm on a winning streak. [ gasps ] darrin, it stopped. maybe you are on a winning streak. honey, there's an old gambler's expression -- when you're on a winning streak, ride it. i'll see you tonight.

sam, i'm worried about him. i thought i better tell you. tell me what? he's suddenly convinced himself that he's infallible. he's been going around making the craziest bets. he thinks he has some sort of strange power. well, that doesn't sound like darrin. larry, are you sure you're not exaggerating? sam, he just wanted to bet me that he could make the sun come out at midnight. you're not exaggerating. uh, when did all this start? well, i first noticed him behaving strangely had the waterhouse account. he shouted something about not having his life run by his wife. you don't think he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown? no. no, no, larry. i don't think that's what he's on the verge of. then why is he acting as if he had a charmed life? well, i wouldn't worry about it if i were you. i'm sure by tomorrow he'll be back to normal. bye.

without even giving me a chance to defend myself. oh, it reminds me of the old days in salem. as a matter of fact, he even looks like the judge who sentenced your poor old aunt agnes to the stake. oh, mother. how could he doubt me? how could he think he'd gotten that job through witchcraft? please give him credit for having the sense to realize that he didn't get it because of his brains. there's only one thing to do -- teach him a lesson. now, that is excellent. why not turn him into a dinosaur? or a salamander? or perhaps you -- no. no, mother. i'm going to do it my way. well, all right, dear. but don't overlook the dinosaur. the neighbors might get quite a kick out of it. oh, i have a better idea. honey, i'm ho--

samantha! saman-- hi, darling. what have you done? you noticed, huh? noticed?! how can you miss the taj mahal? well, darrin, i'll be honest with you. i found out that you found out about my little plan.

you did, huh? yes, and it was sweet of you to go along with it. [ bell rings ] anyway, since you decided to go along with it, i thought we might as well be honest with each other. oh. two very dry martinis, charles. right away, madame. you'll simply adore charles. he's in charge of the rest of the staff. what staff? the upstairs maid, the chef, and your valet. we were just being honest with each other. oh, yes, of course. since you found out about my little scheme and you didn't seem to have any objections, i thought it was silly to be devious any longer. that makes sense, doesn't it? i suppose so. good. now, in the future, if we need anything, i'll just zap it up. oh, darrin, it'll be so marvelous. i'll be able to give you anything you want. ah, thank you, charles.

all right, sweetheart, here's to your success. [ sighs ] what's the matter? i can't swallow this. but charles makes the best martinis in the whole world. no, i mean this! it's no good, sam. i can't live this way. look, i sympathize with you wanting all these things, but, well, you're going to have to make a choice. it's either me or this. darrin, don't you think you're being a little unreasonable? i will not be helped by witchcraft. it got you the waterhouse account. that was different. i did that for you. what about the pender drug account six months ago? you got me that, too? and the cushman furniture account and the carpet account. hold it, hold it! there's only one thing that got me that account, and that was me. i showed them how to increase their business by 39.2% in the first fiscal year. and the sheridan cement account. sheridan cement? there was no witchcraft there. i knew more about sheridan cement than sheridan did.

that there are some things in this world, like talent, ability, and good hard work that will not be replaced by witchcraft. you forgot one thing. what? faith. faith? faith in the person closest to you. faith enough to know that when a promise is made, it's going to be kept. you didn't get me the waterhouse account? mnh-mnh. you didn't stop the rain? and you didn't change betty's birthplace? well, i'm not sure, but i don't even think that's legal. i thought... darrin, all you had to do was ask me. one more question. could you possibly spend the rest of your life with a big dumbhead who promises never to jump to conclusions again?

[ tinkles ]

[ rain falling ] it's amazing how many things i guessed right yesterday. you don't suppose i do have some special power, do you? oh, darrin, don't let a few lucky coincidences go to your head. you better take your umbrella. no, i won't need my umbrella or my coat. but it's pouring. it'll stop in a few seconds. i'm running a little test. bye, honey. [ thunder crashes ]

convinced? convinced. oh, tabitha, your daddy is going to be awfully proud of you this evening. imagine -- pointing at your age. hi, sweetheart. hi, darling. hello, tabitha. did you have a nice day today? well, we had a very important day today. darling, you have a most unusual daughter. well, what makes you say that? well, not many little girls can do what she did at her age. well, what did she do that was so unusual? she pointed at that lamp. well, what did it do? what? the lamp. well, lamps don't do anything. but she pointed at it. oh, darrin, this has nothing to do with witchcraft.

i am pleased. and very relieved. well, all right. i'll go and fix dinner, and you hang on to her for a while, huh? okay. sweetheart, i apologize for accusing you of having any hocus-pocus with that there lamp. sam! sam! what's the matter? honey, it must've been a delayed reaction. it went on by itself! oh, darrin. well, then how do you explain how it went on? well, i can't exactly explain it technically. it's a big mystery to me, too. it is? yes. but as i walked out of the room, i flicked this switch right here and the light went on. oh, is that all? is that all? well, i think that's remarkable!

on. now, that's what i call magic.

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well, have you recovered from the marvels of electricity yet? thank you. and don't rub it in. anything else happen today? no -- oh, i forgot to tell you. gladys kravitz telephoned. she wants us to come over and watch television. how come? w-well, it's kind of a special occasion. you remember gladys' brother louis? how could i ever forget louis gruber, the chicken fiddler? well, he isn't chicken anymore. he's played a number of concerts, and tonight he's making his debut on national television. he owes it all to you, sam. all he needed was a little confidence. well, you sure gave it to him. yeah, much against your wishes, as i recall. you were pregnant at the time. and you didn't want me overexerting my nose? no. well, let's just hope this evening is not as disastrous as the last time we visited the kravitzes. that was a bit of a fiasco, wasn't it? it all started with the banana cake, as i remember.

yes, you have to wear a tie. and hurry up. we'll be late. i could be about three days late for this thing. we'll probably sit around all night listening to him play the violin. i hope he does play. he's supposed to be very talented. mrs. kravitz said so. well, what do you expect mrs. kravitz to say about her own brother? you should hear what mr. kravitz said. oh, that reminds me. i promised to take a banana cake over for dessert. why? well, evidently louis is a big eater. besides, i know you like my banana cake n mrs. kravitz's. well, at least you peel the bananas. it looks marvelous! what recipe did you use? oh, it was one of those instant mixes. hello, neighbors. oh, please, please, sit down. sit down. louis said that if he's in the mood, he'll play for us tonight. oh, that's marvelous. he happens to be a brilliant violinist. oh.

he's just between engagements. 26 years between engagements. he should go out and get a job. gladys: he can't get an ordinary job. uh, he'd hurt his hands. maybe we should come back some other time. why? it won't get any better. oh, good evening! oh, good, you brought the cake! this is my brother, louis gruber. mr. and mrs. stephens. hello. how do you do? mrs. kravitz said you were about to go on tour. uh, yes. i, uh, i had been giving it some thought. i think that's wonderful. when would it be? one doesn't measure these things by time. he measures them by free meals. mrs. kravitz was saying you were only 9 years old when you played in carnegie hall. please, don't mention carnegie.

ooh! and what a performance. sounds interesting. i don't want to talk about it. i wouldn't talk about it either if my knickers fell down. gladys, he's doing it again. abner! i was telling the truth. gladys, let's eat. during his career, louis met very important people. yep. those were the days. it's not easy reaching your prime when you're 9. but what about your new tour? won't be the same. louis, i'm sure you'll be a success again. i don't think people have forgotten you. how could they? his knickers fell down. no, sam's right. a man with your talent shouldn't have trouble. who's got talent now? who? well, uh, heifetz. ha! he plays with his thumbs. heifetz? he's brilliant! he should play the square dance.

o like i pick my teeth. they must've had some talent. they're all against me. it's common knowledge. well, louis, if you're as good as you say you are, then... you don't think i can play, do you? well, i didn't say that. say it. i'm a fraud. you're a fraud. darrin, please. it doesn't really matter. i know i'm a genius. abner! how could you do that? you know he's so sensitive! sensitive? he's scared stiff. ever since the knickers, he can't play in front of an audience. i still think if he has that much talent, he should --

now, watch this. bravo! oh! i don't believe it. he was extraordinary, wasn't he?

and you thought it was gonna be a dull evening. well, i don't know who gave the better performance, louis or mr. kravitz. it's too bad he hasn't had a chance to play. well, you heard what abner said. he's scared. and i'm inclined to agree with him. all he needs is a little push. well, if he stays with abner, he'll get it, right out the window. sam, don't. there'll be a big crowd, lots of important people. might be good for his confidence. sam, you're a housewife, not sol hurok. i can call the entertainment committee. it wouldn't be any trouble. sam, stay out of it, please. louis needs a chance. the hospital needs money. it's a perfect plan.

you're still at it? you know i have to practice! since 5:00 this morning? when am i gonna get some peace and quiet? abner, let him alone. he's practicing. go for a walk. i've been for a walk seven times around the block already. the neighbors think i'm a peddler. i cannot practice in this atmosphere. good! abner, if he stops practicing, he'll lose his touch. if he doesn't stop, he'll lose his teeth. so you want to hit someone, huh? well, then hit! hit, hit, hit, hit. the feet, watch the feet. watch the feet. gladys, think of what you're doing. you've been protecting him all your life! you've treated him like a baby. that's why he can't get a job. a big baby! i've tried to get jobs, dozens of them, but they won't have me. what about philadelphia? that wasn't my fault. i was sick.

i don't have to take this. i'm leaving. good! only the room. louis, please, stay here and practice. for how long? another hour. abner, he's got to perfect his technique. keep his fingers in shape. why, we're having hot biscuits again? you'll be proud of me one day, when i'm back at carnegie hall and i have the whole world at my feet. that's better than your knickers. i've arranged everything. louis, you're gonna give a concert. a c-concert? yes, saturday matinee, the hospital benefit. is there an audience? oh, yes. it'll be a sellout. at least 500 people. 500 people.

would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels

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i can't. the programs are printed, and the tickets are sold. tell him that. i did. he fainted again. now, mrs. kravitz, i know this will be the best thing for him. he's been ready for 26 years. he's a big boy now. he's gonna have to face himself some time. what am i gonna do? you won't have to do a thing. just leave him to me. i'll get him to play. my baby brother, growing up so fast. soon he'll be going out with girls. oh, how soon we lose them. what's wrong with her? oh, she's just, uh, worried about louis and the concert. sam, what are you getting involved in this for? well, i am kind of responsible. i got him into it. besides, he's a great violinist. he should be heard. poor gladys.

well, uh, don't worry. abner won't be bothered by that anymore. why? because louis is gonna do his practicing here. louis gruber does not play benefits. why not? everybody else does. it's all wrong. i don't know why i came here in the first place. now, louis, what happened with your knickers at carnegie hall -- well, it's all over and done with. the concert is tomorrow afternoon. i can't. i can't. aw. oh, but, now, louis. louis, you were doing beautifully! no. no, it's true what they say about me. i am afraid. i am a coward. i am a chicken fiddler! practice! what's for dinner?

[ twangs ] what must be done... must be done! [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] relax! what is this? come on!

[ tinkles ] [ ding! ] [ plays skillfully ] good, good. i'm glad to see you're still practicing. [ doorbell rings ] o you? you see that? soup! gladys made it herself. chicken noodle for the chicken fiddler. now, mr. kravitz, louis is doing just fine. look at him. i should have brought a funnel. you go and tell mrs. kravitz everything's gonna be okay. you be ready at 1:30. we'll pick you up. all right. well, for the benefit of the benefit, i hope he --

oh, no! [ twang ] please, b-believe me, i'm sorry. mrs. stephens, it was an accident. it's perfectly all right. don't worry about it. now i won't have to play that benefit tomorrow. and i really wanted to. no, no. i have another violin in the house. well, i just can't play any old violin. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] good. i think it's a pretty good one. it's not as good as a handmade dimkis.

gladys said she was bringing him right over. i shouldn't have let him out of my sight. well, he's only got 15 minutes. oh, he'll be here. he knows they're gonna have cake after the show. maybe i should call and find out -- [ sobbing ] what happened? louis is gone! what?! he said he was going for a paper. a paper? where? philadelphia! [ tires screech ] [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] [ tires screech ] hey, what's going on here? i don't know. ask the cab. i got to get out of here.

i'll get him. he went down in the manhole. we've got to do something. i know what i'd like to do. put the cover on it. we'll never get him now. oh, yes, we will. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] ready, louis? i was just going for a paper. in the sewer? my baby! my poor baby! poor baby cost me 7 1/2 bucks for a cab. come on, louis. no. come on. no. here you go, louis. no.

my poor baby! what's he doing? [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] [ plays skillfully ] sam, is that you or him playing? started. [ plays skillfully ] attaboy, louis!

i can't believe it. i just can't believe it. louis on a big tv show. that's nothing. he has so many concerts after this. well, sam, he owes it all to you. that's right, mrs. stephens. that benefit gave him the confidence. no, no. he has the talent. i just got him started. man: and now, ladies and gentlemen, the world-famous violinist, louis gruber. oh, doesn't he look handsome? except for the chicken soup on his lapel. shh! [ louis playing violin skillfully ] oh, my stars!

well, sam, when's the next benefit? [ whimpering ] i'm ready, master. how do i look? great, great, great. [gunshots over tv] what is that you are watching? a horse opera. [giggles] an opera with horses? no, it's a-- it's a western. that's the way people used to live in the old days. and the only law and order was the marshal. it reminds me of election day in old baghdad. tony: in those days men really had to be men. you make it sound so exciting. it was. i wish i lived in those days. isn't that something, jeannie?

oh. jeannie. [whispers] jeannie. hey, look at that, boys. we got us a new marshal. howdy, marshal. oh, uh, no, no. no, i'm not your marshal. when i count to three, i'm shootin'. no, you don't understand, uh-- one, jeannie. two, jeannie. three. jeannie! oh.

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[???] hit the leather, marshal. hey, wait! whoa!

i didn't mean no harm, mr. sedgewick. i was just having a little bit of fun. fun? you could've killed somebody. yeah. what kind of a welcome is that for our new marshal? why, he's going to think gopher junction is uncivilized. beat it. yes, sir. i-i, uh, apologize for that, marshal. oh, uh, that's all right. thanks for the help. listen, he should be locked up. well, i keep telling them that gopher junction is not gonna grow into a proper city unless we get some law and order around here. yeah, well, you may have some little wait. ll, bull doesn't mean any harm. he just gets kind of carried away sometimes. i'm horace sedgewick, the town banker. oh, hi. i'm tony nelson. oh...sorry. nelson, nelson. well, i'm mighty glad to meet you, mr. nelson. come on, let me show you your office. my office? yeah. [???] eh... [whinnies] is that your horse?

hail from? cocoa beach. is that east or west of abilene? east. i'm sure mighty glad you're here, mr. nelson. we haven't had a marshal since poor ed clampett. oh, what happened to ed clampett? same thing that happened to the last seven marshals. like i told you, the boys are kind of high-spirited. you have quite a turnover here, don't you? well, the highest of any town in the west. huh? come on in. oh. oh, uh, i see we have a guest. an. but you don't have to bother about him, marshal. he won't be with you long. why not? because they're gonna lynch me! i'm innocent! they'll kill me if you don't let me go! wha--? what'd he do? he's the cold-bloodest killer i ever seen, marshal. why, he shot down a rancher and his wife when they caught him rustling their cattle. no, no, that's a lie! i was nowhere near the bar-x when they was killed. well, i'm sure all the facts will come out at the trial.

they gonna take him to the prison in kansas city tonight. when you get yourself all settled in here, come on over to the silver dollar saloon. i'll, uh, buy you a drink and introduce you all around. well, thank you very much, sir. oh, uh-- heh-heh-heh. well, heh-heh, it's, uh, good to have you with us. thank you. [???] [sobbing] i didn't kill nobody! i've been framed! framed. they just want to get my ranch. you gotta help me. well, uh, i-i'd like to help you very much, but, uh-- well, i can't. i'm just passing through. oh, sure. sure, i should've figured it. you're in with them. them? the unholy ten. the un-- the unholy ten? i don't know what you're talking about. i'm talking about that gang that's been trying to take over this territory. they've hit every ranch within 100 miles of here! well, why?

'em at their price, they try to scare you out. well, there's really nothing i can do. ah, i-- you'll be safe in kansas city. who are you kiddin'? [sobs] you know how far i'll get? they built that for me. there'll be a lynch mob here to get me at 6:00. no. no, i-i'm sure mr. sedgewick wouldn't allow anything like that. i'll go talk to him. there anything you need? a marshal with guts. [sobbing] [laughing and shouting in saloon]

[continues laughing] [piano playing ragtime] [chatter] buy me a drink, honey? oh, uh-- well, i'm just passing through. jeannie. what are you doing? [giggling] oh, you were right, master. this is so exciting. you don't know the half of it. are you ready to go home now? well, now that you're here, i think i'd like to stay until about 6:00. well, if that is what you wish, marshal. yeah, that's what-- well, well. if it ain't our new marshal. ahem. jeannie, you go and enjoy yourself. all right, master. all right.

ain't he got a mean look? if i wasn't right in the middle of a drink, i'd sure be runnin'. what you drinkin', marshal? nothin', thank you. i guess you didn't hear right, mister. when my friend al asks you to have a drink, you have a drink. well, i'm particular with whom i drink. now, you shouldn't have said that, stranger. you just hurt my feelings. and you know what happens when i get my feelings hurt? you beat up little old ladies? [???] can you do that? 'cause if you can't, you're in a lot of trouble.

hey, bull, he hit seven of 'em with a six-shooter. well, that calls for a drink, marshal. me and you'll be meetin' again, marshal. well, before we do, do you mind takin' a bath? you smell terrible. bull! i'll see you later. you must be the new marshal. oh, uh, no. no, ma'am, i'm just traveling through. i'm a tourist. please, help me. well, i'd like to very much, but, uh-- what's your problem? i'm eddie sheridan's sister. you've got to let him go. well, ma'am, i'm not a judge. i'm-- i'm just a-- well, whatever it is i am, i can't let him go.

[sobbing] tony: now, now. that's-- that's not gonna do any good. uh, stop that. everybody's watching. everybody. here. take that. [sniffling] thank you. they're not gonna stop till they've taken over every ranch in the valley. "they're not gonna stop"? who's they? they call themselves the unholy ten. i-i mean, the freeways won't be through here for another hundred years. they want the land because the railroad's coming through-- through and they want the right of way. how did you know that? i watch a lot of television. well-- will you save eddie? ma'am, as long as i'm marshal of gopher junction, there ain't nobody gonna get lynched. oh, thank you.

b break the door down and teach sheridan not to shoot helpless women!

marshal, you know. man: hey, it's the marshal! yeah, now-- put me down. wait, fellas. you're all overly-excited. now, i want you all to go home and get a good night's rest. [crowd boos] let's get him, boys. tony: kn-- kno-- knock it off. i mean it. have you ever heard of the fbi? the what? forget it. [???] [banging on door] i want you to get out of here, sister, before you get hurt. but they'll kill you. of marshal junction, ain't nobody gonna get killed. bull: you got 60 seconds, marshal. you send sheridan out here or we're comin' in to get him! you better do what they say, marshal. do what they say? they're gonna lynch you. they're gonna lynch me no matter what you do. i just don't want georgia gettin' hurt. i told you, as long as i'm marshal, ain't nobody gonna get hurt. georgia: what are you gonna do? go out and show 'em who's in charge, that's what.

oh. oh, you're the bravest man i've ever known. yeah. [???] have you decided to be sensible, marshal? all right, you men! i'm gonna turn my back on you... and i'm gonna count to 10. when i turn around again, you better be gone or i'm gonna start shootin'. one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. well, that's better. uh, i'd like to thank the citizens of gopher junction for the way they handled themselves in this emergency. let's get him, boys! stop them. for the way they handled themselves in this emergency.

here. [crowd shouting indistinctly] oh, you were right, master. this is getting more and more exciting. yeah, it's getting a little too exciting. oh, well, i'll get rid of them for you. no, no, no, no. i wanna do this myself. i only wish i had some tear gas. jeannie. oh, jeannie. [all coughing] let that be a lesson to all of you. eddie: i don't know how you did it, but i'm proud. it's nothing. eddie, eddie! what is it, josh? it's the unholy ten. they're rustlin' your cattle. oh, no! it's all we have left. master, why would they want to wrestle his cattle? not "wrestle," "rustle". rustle. they're going to the mexican border. we'll head 'em off at the-- pass. --pass. [???]

come on, jeannie. come on. i-i'm sorry, master, but... i am afraid of horses. the unholy ten are getting away with the cattle. now, come on. [sighs] very well, master. jeannie, what are you doing? i am not afraid of donkeys. [brays] forget it. isn't there anything we can do to stop the stampede? huh? yeah. yeah, sure there is. come here, jeannie. listen, you've got to stop the stampede. oh, well, i will be happy to, master. what is a stampede? oh, well-- well, that's when the cattle are all going this way, you see. oh, i see. and you would like them to go this way? yeah, that's it. okay. [mooing] [???] they turned around.

sedgewick ain't gonna like this. i don't like it neither. come on. where you goin'? back to town to get me a marshal. yes, yes. well, i see you're still here, marshal. i don't push easy. and if you take my advice, you'll be on your way out of town before bull gets back. back from where? why, uh... i don't know. wherever he went. i know where he is. jeannie, i'll handle this myself. i warned you about this prisoner. he's a dangerous n. he should be back in jail. yeah, mr. sheridan claims that he was fram oh, he was, master, and i can tell you who did it. jeannie, i wanna do this myself. eddie and i won't be driven off our land, mr. sedgewick. well, i'm afraid it's not your land anymore, miss georgia. there's a mortgage due next week, and you have no cattle left. how do you know that, mr. sedgewick? i know how he knew it. yeah, jeannie, please. i told you, i want to do it myself. very well. yeah. ahem. now, you were saying about the cattle? yes. uh, well, i--

mr. sedgewick. [???] i think we got some company. i gotta talk to you. later. this won't wait. he has some very bad news for you. jeannie, please. well, he has. yeah-- excuse me. oh, yeah. no, really, i-- are the cattle really safe? yeah. oh, yeah. the cattle are fine. you don't have to worry about a thing. oh, you're wonderful. well... [chuckles] please, uh, ma'am. i'm-- i'm on duty. [???] what do you mean they reversed direction? i can't explain it. the cattle just suddenly turned around and went in the other direction. you bunglin' fool. well, i don't know why, but i got a feeling the marshal's behind all of this. yeah, i got the same feelin'. and i want you to take care of him. my pleasure.

ght. we'll fix him. sam, take the hotel. i'll take the saloon. be careful. don't worry. [???] hey, marshal! yeah? my conscious has been botherin' me somethin' awful. i killed that rancher and his wife. why don't you come and get me. take cover. ooh, i will stay with you, master. no, no, jeannie. he's a killer. take cover. oh, but i-- i mean it.

now! all right, hold it right there, bull. [gun cocks] [gunshot]

you're through, bull. [laughing] well done, marshal. i'll see to it that he's properly taken care of. jeannie. the unholy ten. it won't be hard to find out who the other nine are now. i can tell you who. it was-- jeannie, next time i'm going to send you home. oh, i'm sorry, master. now, i figure... that the only reason that the unholy ten have been able to terrorize the countryside

backing. go on. now, this person has to be rich enough to be able to buy up the ranches once the owners have gotten scared off. and that person is... you, mr. sedgewick! me? ah, you're crazy! oh, he is not! he-- [chatter] i have nothing to do with any of this. to take the rap! shut up. yeah, let them hang me while you're runnin' around. the whole thing was his idea. all right, take him away. why-- but you... [mumbles indistinctly] [???] you got nothing to worry about, ed, georgia. everything's gonna be all right. oh, you're the most wonderful man i've ever met in my whole life! well-- well, uh... oh. i'm just never gonna let you go!

[indistinct yelling over tv] dinner is ready, master. hm? hm? oh, sorry, i must've dozed off, heh-heh. [yawns] what time is it, jeannie? a few minutes past 6. really? mm-hm. [sighs] i had the wildest dream. it was so real. was it? [clicks off tv] yeah. i dreamt i was in this-- in this town in the wild west. [chuckles] well, forget it. are you hungry, master? mm. starved. gun fights always make me-- let's eat. [giggles]

[laughing] [???] morning. you're a bundle of nerves today, aren't you? today? every day. listen, if i don't do something about jeannie, she's gonna drive me out of my mind. i'm-- look-- look at my reports. what's--?

to see you suffer. i'll take her. yeah... believe me, roger, it's no fun getting everything you wish for. yeah. i know what you mean. look, why don't i borrow her for-- for a year or two, and if it doesn't work out, i'll give her back to you? look, can't you be serious? be serious? i've never been more serious in my life. look, you're dying to get rid of her and i'm dying to get her. i'm not dying to get rid of her. i just want her to learn how to act. look, tony, i've never asked many favors of you, right? yeah. well, i met this girl. i-- i need jeannie so badly. i've gotta impress this girl. everybody's nuts about her. i just want her for a week. i'm sorry, roger. twenty-four hours? no. an hour? no, roger. five minutes? roger! would you let her wave to me? don't you understand? you're gonna have just as much trouble as i'm having. well, look, if you feel that way, why-- why don't you just sit down and have a heart-to-heart master-genie talk with her. oh, don't you think i've tried that? it doesn't help. she doesn't mean to get me in trouble. it just-- well, it just happens. well, that's probably because she's inexperienced. she wasn't born a genie, you know. she wasn't? no. of course not.

i guess until i came along, she-- she just didn't have much practice at it. well, why don't you give her lessons. yeah, sure. well, i better be getting to the test chambers. wh-wh-what were you saying? what was i saying? yeah. i was saying i better get to the test chambers. no, no, no, i-i-- i mean about jeannie. that's it, you solved the prob-- you're brilliant! well, i suppose i do have a knack for getting at the heart of things. you sure do. well, i'm late, i, ah, better-- ah, what is it i solved, exactly? because she doesn't know any better. now, all i have to do is-- is get her a book on genie. like, uh-- uh, b-- maybe the arabian nights. yeah, that's it! i'll give her a-a book on the arabian nights. she can study it and learn how-- how genies behave. and th-that's just brilliant of you, roger. kind of a doctor spock at bringing up genies, huh? hm, yeah, that's right. do you know how i get these intuitions about things sometimes? yeah. yeah, what does it say to you? well, it says to me that you're headed for a disaster. and if i were you, i'd stick to the nervous breakdown. yes. yeah.

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ah, lovely. ha. these washing machines are truly miracles. [clears throat] [door closes] jeannie?

jeannie. good evening, master. oh, hi. i, uh, brought you a present. oh. a gift! yes. oh, you are the most generous master i've ever known. well, it's really not that much, jeannie. it's just-- oh, you are always doing things for me. yea-- well, it's not that, uh, big a thing-- deal, you know. it is candy. uh, no. no-- oh, i love candy, master. [laughs] jeannie, it's-- it's not candy. it's a book. book? yes. jeannie: tales of the arabian nights. oh, i shall enjoy reading this, master. as a atter of fact, i'd like you to study it. study it? yes. oh, it's-- it's full of exciting stories about genies and their masters, and you said this morning you didn't know much about being a genie, and i thought you could use this book as-- as kind of a textbook. oh! you mean you wish me to do what the genies in these stories do? it's not so much what they do. it's what they don't do. i don't pretend to be an expert on genies,

if there's anything a genie shouldn't do, it's drive their masters up the wall. oh, i do not mean to drive you up a wall-- i-- i know, i know-- i know you don't. but we're not gonna have that problem now. you see, all you have to do is follow the book. oh. follow the book. that's right. "and the genie bowed low and said to aladdin, 'my wish is your command.'" [chuckling] yeah. that's wonderful. you see? [chuckling] well... i should've bought that book for you about a year ago. well, i will begin reading it tomorrow, master. no, ah, we don't have any time to lose, jeannie. i'd like you to start reading it right now. okay? now? yeah. [???] [whistling] [sighs] master. oh, did you finish the book? no, master. i cannot do as this book says. [stammering] now, jeannie, uh, we discussed this. now, you're gonna do exactly as it says. but, master, you would not like it. n-- you mean, you wouldn't like it.

oh, but i have discipline-- you're gonna have to behave like a proper genie. is that clear? no. a proper genie does not-- argue with her master. now, i want you to go and finish that book. and-- and that's an order. [sighs] very well, master. you are sure that is what you wish? yes. i've never been more sure of anything in my life. yes, master. [???] "and the blue djinn said, 'the first thing you must do 'is to get your master at your mercy. this is easier than you realize.'" hm. i should say so. "'you must trick him. catch him off guard. when he is at your mercy, torture him.'" [???]

no! master! have you finished it already? oh, no, master. it is a terrible book. jeannie, for you it's terrible, for me it's great. i cannot do the things it says. i'm gonna give you a choice. either you behave like the genies in that book, or you're gonna have to get out of here. do you mean that? i certainly do. oh... very well, master. i tried. [clears throat] [clears throat] "and the blue djinn said, 'and now, oh, genies, i will reveal to you

bing] the first one is known as the torture--'" oh... oh, no! [???] [humming] major healey. jeannie, don't you ever knock? i-- i am sorry, major healey, but i have to talk to you. i-- i-i need your advice. well, i haven't advised too many genies before, but, uh, what's your problem? you know about it? know about it? he doesn't make a move without me. well, it is a terrible book. if i do the things it says, major nelson will hate me and want to get rid of me. major nelson will hate you and want-- you got to do exactly what that book says. exactly what-- exactly. [???] if i do, he will not like it. you're wrong. he'll love it. well, he cannot have read that book.

it. he was? yeah. and if you don't do exactly what that book says, he's going to be very angry. are you sure of this? sure of it? i know him like a book. and that's the book. modern men have strange ways. ahem. well, any time you need my advice, uh, just pop in, huh? i will. thank you, major healey. [???] mm-hm. jeannie. good night. good night, master. oh, have you finished the book? oh! i have finished the first three chapters. oh, good. good. are--? are you getting an idea of how i want you to behave? i am afraid i am, master. [laughs] fine, i feel better already. if you feel better, i feel better. mm-hm. well, you-- you get a good night's sleep.

[???] good night, master. good night, jeannie. good night. [tony screams] aah! oh!

a bed of nails? yeah, that's right. well, why she--? would she want to do a thing like that? ya-- i don't know. [sighs] i went looking for her, but she disappeared. maybe i was too hard on her, huh? yeah, you were too-- oh! oh, no, no, no,

you know how genies are. you give 'em an inch, and they take a mile. heh-heh. yeah. i-i don't know. i thought that book would help her. uh, tony? have you read the tales of the arabian nights? no. good. hm? i mean, it's good for genies. heh-heh. you have her do exactly what that book says. yeah, i tried. be firm. you're the master, remember? yeah. firm. yeah, you're right, roger. you're-- i don't know what i'd do without you. well, we're buddies, aren't we? [both laugh] well, i'll see you later, buddy. yeah. okay. okay. yeah. be firm. i'm the master. yeah. ow. i'm the master. jeannie! jeannie! ha-- hey, where have you been? yeah, i'm-- you and i are gonna have a little talk, young lady. oh, good, master. what shall we talk about? we're gonna talk about that book. oh, you want me to stop reading it. i am so happy. i don't want you to stop reading it. i want you to memorize it. memorize it? that's right. sit in that chair.

now, i've had a hard day, i'm going to bed. i'll see you in the morning. master! what? there is your bed, master. what do you mean my bed? what are you talkin' about? we are supposed to stay out of our bottles as much as possible. i will sleep in your bedroom and you may sleep there. oh, if you think i'm gonna sleep on this, you're very much mistaken, young lady. ow! jeannie! come on, jeannie. [knock at door] oh, dr. bellows. good evening, major nelson. i just want to bring you this report. yes. oh, that's very kind of you, sir. that's an iron gate you have in front of your bedroom door. well, yes. yeah, we've had a series of burglaries-- uh, please don't explain it. i like it better than the apple tree you had in your living room. yes. it's locked. do you have a key? no, no. how are you gonna get in your bedroom? through the window. you see-- don't explain. uh, why not?

good night, nelson. yes. oh, uh, g-good night, uh, dr. bellows. yes-- jeannie? let me in there. come on! ow! aah! [???] you mean, she locked you out of your room? yeah, with an iron gate. honestly, roge, i don't know what's gotten into her. well, i hate to say this, uh, tony, but i think jeannie is run amuck. run amuck? yeah. it happens to genies sometimes. and when it does-- whew! really? really. look, you've got to get jeannie to do exactly what that book says and don't let her argue with you. don't let her argue. yeah. yeah, you're right. you're absolutely right. thanks, roge. don't forget. no! run amuck?

[???] jeannie, i want to have-- oh, master. oh, i've been so unhappy. all i wish to do is please you. yeah, with what? a-a bed of nails a-and an iron door in front of my bedroom? oh, well, i did not want to do any of those things. yeah, i-i suppose you had to. we're-- we're not gonna have any more of that around here. tonight i'm sleeping in my own bed. oh, i am so glad. wh-- uh, jeannie, i can't figure you out. uh, you've never behaved this way before. i mean, you used to get me into trouble, but you never planned it that way. oh, no, master. i only want to make you happy. tell me, what can i do for you? well, that's-- that's more like it. [giggles] command me to do anything, master. how many chapters of that book you read?

y what's in chapter ten. oh, no, master! i cannot do that-- now, you said you'd do anything i wanted. not that, master. yes, that, jeannie. chapter ten. now. now? now. [groans] [screams] major healey? jean-- oh, jeannie. oh, jea-- oh, jeannie, uh, how's it goin'? terribly. i think major nelson hates me. oh, he does, huh? oh, ho-ho, he does, uh--? well, where is he now? hanging over a hungry group of crocodiles. a hungry group of crocodiles? he forced me to do it. he said, "do what is in chapter ten, now." crocodiles?

t follow the book, he yells at me. if i do follow the book, he yells at me. lately he has been yelling at me all the time. a-are they big crocodiles or small crocodiles? oh, please help me, major healey. help you-- oh, help-- well, i am helping you, i-- i don't know how to tell you this, uh, jeannie, but, uh... your master's run amuck. run amuck? yeah. it happens to masters sometimes. when it does-- whew! really? and when it does, uh, i guess you have to find yourself a new master. oh, but i could not do that. well, is he happy? no. he's miserable. well, there you are. you mean, the only way i can make him happy is to leave him? i'm afraid so. well, i do not want to leave him, but if that is the only way i can make him happy, i guess i must.

well, since this, uh, is an emergency, uh, why don't i come to the rescue? you mean, you would be my new master? well, that's the least i can do for my old friend. thank you, major healey. well, ahem, now that that's settled, uh, why don't you run home and get your bottle and come right back? i got a few things i need. very well. but i-i will release major nelson from the crocodiles, first. oh! oh, uh-- uh, don't tell him, uh, anything about this. just get the bottle and come right back. [growling] i can't hold on any-- [yells] oh! are you all right, master? how can i be all right? i've got a genie who's run amuck. run amuck? yes, yes. it happens to genies sometimes, you know. well, who should know better than you? but major healey said that it was masters who run amuck. yeah.

major healey said that masters run amuck? yes. he said that you hated me and that the only way to make you happy was to be his genie, and-- ha-- do not worry, master, i am going to be his genie because i want you to be happy. that dirty-- that figures, that figures. i will leave before you start yelling and getting angry with me again. roger! no, no, no, no! i don't want you to go anyplace. i-i just want you to tell me what was in that book i asked you to read. oh, please do not make me follow that book again, master. i-i'm not gonna make you. just tell me all about it. it is a book of tortures that genies do to their masters. that genies do to their-- why that... yes, master, but i'm so sorry. i did not want to do any of them. oh, jeannie, it's not your fault. it's mine. yours? yes. but when you care for somebody, i mean, when you really care for somebody, you don't try to change 'em. you take the good with the bad, and you-- you be thankful for what you got.

i tried to change you, and i was wrong. and i'm-- i'm sorry. do you mean that, master? yes, i mean that. oh. i am so happy. [giggles] [chuckles] what shall i do about major healey? may i have the book, please? thank you. let's see what it says in chapter...

[both chuckling] uh, no... [doorbell rings]

come in. hi, roge. hi, to-- tony! oh, hi-- hi, tony. hi. i, uh-- i got a little worried there. you didn't come back and, uh... oh, well, major nelson and i have been having a little talk. oh. what, uh--? what were you talking about? hm? oh, about, uh, running amuck, you know. oh, running amuck, huh? [all laugh] she told you, huh? yeah. well, it was funny. ha, ha... i wouldn't have done it, tony, but i needed jeannie desperately. and, well, i tried to tell you before. do you remember? ckling] yes. and, uh... you wouldn't give her to me, so, i, uh... [laughs nervously] i would love to see you with those crocodiles. [both laugh] no hard feelings? [???] [chuckles] well, you two surely know how to take a joke. ha, ha! [all laugh] now. n-now? now. [wind howling] jeannie!

y! shoo! this is my iceberg. get your own iceberg. this is my iceberg. [???] ( knock on door ) what the-- ( oinking ) oh, hello there, arnold. i've been expecting you. now, take your suitcase in the bedroom. what do you mean, take your suitcase-- arnold is going to stay with us for a few days. oh, no, he's not-- arnold, hang your clothes up nice. you can use mr. douglas' closet. ( arnold oinking ) don't bother! he's not staying here. oliver, the ziffels called and asked if we'd take care of him for a few days. they have the flu, and they don't want him to catch it. of all the-- ( oinking ) you leaving?