[ music ] >> here's johnny. [ applause ]

>> thank you very much. thank you. thank you. oh, come on now. [ cheering ] thank you. come on now. let us-- come on. [ cheering ] it's nice to see we both like the finer things in life. [ laughter ] wow. settle down now. that's very nice, but come on. enjoy yourselves. [ laer run home to some moldy turkey? i mean-- [ laughter ] boy, you-- last night. let me tell you. [ laughter ] you make up for last night. it was-- [ applause ] i was surprised that last night's audience was not in a better mood. after all, they were all acquitted at nuremberg. [ laughter ]

halfway through the monologue a guy from the lapd came up, drew a chalk outline around my body while-- [ laughter ] and to be honest. they were not the smartest group we've ever had in. [ laughter ] no, they were dumb. they were dumb. they had to put a bookmark on the applause sign, so they could finish it later. [ laughter ] anyway. you make a-- you sound good tonight. i was just backstage watching the reagan family onil [ applause ] how many of you have been following the new simplified tax plan? yeah, are you pretty choked up about that? [ laughter ] the new form is going to have one line. how much did you receive this month? endorse it to us. [ laughter ]

i guess the government takes the tax, and leaves you flat. i don't know. [ laughter ] no, but the administration says-- if you read. they say the tax is fair both to the rich, and the poor. yeah, sure, sure. [ laughter ] no, both the rich and the poor will probably lose their oil depletion allowance tax investment credit. [ laughter ] poor will be allowed to-- no longer be allowed to deduct their trips to rome for business. [ laughter ] weird. [ laughter ] you started off great now. you see who got laid off their job today? henry kissinger, and gerald ford, i think, were members of the board of directors of 20th century fox, and they got-- well, i guess fired is too harsh a word. they were consultants anyway. they were laid off 20th century, and it was too bad because jerry ford was just about to make his first slapstick comedy for 20th century fox.

[ applause ] anyway. no, come on. now, don't overdo it. here's the item on the paper today. i didn't realize it'd been in effect that long. the 55 mile an hour speed limit which i guess federal now. isn't it all over the country? you know how long that's been in effect? would you believe 10 years? >> wow. >> and today is the 10th anniversary, and i guess the national safety council recommends that we continue it. now, i don't know about the rest of the state. people out here don't seem to observe it. [ laughter ] i drive to work everyday, and believe me. californians change tires at 55 miles an hour. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i think the only group that observes a 55 mile an hour speed limit is the rose parade. [ laughter ] well, there's a little international news today. yasser arafat is in the news. interesting.

they overruled it. then arafat whipped off his headgear revealing he's really singer willie nelson. [ laughter ] let's be honest. i mean, arafat is not a good looking man. [ laughter ] he went to a tailor, and said, "make me look better, " and the tailor turned his hat backwards, so it would cover-- [ laughter ] i think there are about 20-- how many shopping days until christmas? have you started? you don't do it early. >> not until the end. yeah. >> yeah. >> you've been going in there a lot. >> what? >> you've been going in there a lot. >> i get my jokes there. [ laughter ] you know, jokes are us boutique. [ laughter ] they have-- they have an image of catering only to the rich, so what they trying to do, i guess, is appeal more to the-- you know, the ordinary shopper. i think they went a little far at gucci's though. they're calling it g mart. [ laughter ]

>> obviously some didn't go home last night. [ laughter ] stayed in the studio overnight. have you been to that man shop-- ritzy man shop in beverly hills? >> no, i have not. >> mr. velvet. [ laughter ] mr. velvet. they're rude in there. i said to the salesman, "what do you have for a man with my physique?" and he says, "pity." [ laughter ] [ applause ] i said, "i'd like a johnny carson suit." he says, "haven't you been hit with enough of those?" i mean-- [ laughter ] yeah, boo. anyway, tonight we have a very, very funny young man tonight. howie mandel is with us. [ applause ] very amusing. lovely actress. mimi kennedy is here. [ applause ]

and the new yorker. calvin trillin is here, so lot's going on. thank you for coming, and we'll be right back. [ music ] thank you.

[ music ] >> what a crowd. what a night. >> what a night. what a crowd.

[ applause ] i feel all right now, but it's been a rough week. you know what i mean? what am i doing rodney for? yeah, all right. what do we have here tonight? anything you want to mention? >> no. >> or anything. you really haven't started christmas shopping yet. we do this every year. you say that you wait until the last-- why is that? >> well, i have things in my mind. i know what i'm going to buy. my wife does all the shopping for all the families. >> how nice. >> i only shop for her, and i know what that is. >> really? >> yeah. >> biggie this year? >> biggie. >> i used to give biggies at christmas. >> yeah. [ laughter ] where are they now? all these biggies. [ laughter ] >> i don't know. don't seem to have them in my-- >> do you get those back? >> no. [ laughter ] anyway. speaking of. have you been to some of the malls? there's some very pretty shopping. >> yes, beautiful. >> where have you been? well, you just said-- >> well, i've been to the galleria in houston. one of the most beautiful shopping centers in the world. [ applause ] >> how about the galleria here in sherman oaks? they have a beautiful one. >> my wife's been there.

the sherman oaks galleria. very nice. >> fortune city. >> they all have them. right here in our own backyard. in burbank. >> you're kidding. >> it's not as well known. the burbank galleria. [ laughter ] and i want to tell you folks, and there's a lot of activity taking place over there right now. we had our staff photographer. pappy rossi. pappy. pappy rossi. kind of cute. went over to the burbank galleria just to take some snapshots, and show you how they're getting ready why don't we take a look at those pictures right now? here's a picture of the burbank galleria. [ laughter ] it's located in this historic building which 200 years ago was used as zorro's outhouse. most people-- [ laughter ] >> little known. >> little known. now, one store has an unusual refund policy. [ laughter ] you can only get your money back by wrestling the head of their complaint department, abdul the abnormal.

mmm, no. [ laughter ] ah, now, the galleria features a video dating center. [ laughter ] here a male customer explains why he wants a date. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i don't understand the joke. now, if you can't afford a watch. one jewelry store will strap a digital dwarf to your wrist. [ laughter ] you press his head. he'll tell you the time, the date, and why his first marriage broke up. it's amusing. [ laughter ] like other places you know-- right on the street level. the galleria has its own automotive repair shop. now, this is not mr. goodwrench. this is mr. badface. [ laughter ] there at work. no. [ laughter ] some of these you just--

howdy doody opened up a massage parlor for marionettes. [ laughter ] here you see mr. buster asking the masseuse how much it costs to be dangled for half an hour. [ laughter ] you see that? [ laughter ] ah hah. the mall contains a sporting goods store for coroners. [ laughter ] here you see former los le coroner dr. thomas noguchi selecting a softball for his son. [ groaning ] >> you threw three away, and kept that one. >> yeah. yeah. [ applause ] i accept your judgment on it. you folks know best. here's a man at the galleria's instant tanning parlor complaining-- [ laughter ] complaining to the attendant that the ultraviolet lamp in his booth

[ applause ] the galleria offers a unique service for men. you can have one of your ears pierced by the insane brother of kurt douglas. [ laughter ] there's a combination fast food outlet and swingers club called mcorgies. [ laughter ] well, they'll not only do it your way. they'll do it ways you've never even dreamed of. [ applause ] salad bars are very popular, aren't they? at the galleria they have a hamburger bar. [ laughter ] for a $1.89 you get to ram your car into a herd of steers. whatever part sticks to your fender. that's what you eat. [ groaning ] right again. right again. this little boy is lined up to tell santa what he wants for christmas.

one toy store selling the pete rose doll. it comes with six arms, so it not only scratches it self, but also scratches the ken and barbie dolls, too. [ laughter ] that's the finish. [ applause ] [ laughter ] whoopie. all right. [ applause ] [ cheering ] should have flipped two. we'll be back. howie mandel is here. mimi kennedy, and calvin trillin, and we'll be back in a second.

the market to get milk for billy's breakfast. can you think of anything else he needs? yeah, a muzzle and a strong leash. is it safe to leave him alone with little billy? well, yeah, as long as he's asleep he won't hurt me. ohh... jack, you're terrible. oh, come on, don't worry. i'll look after the little angel. aah! i'm here for the 00. oh! look, my brother gets downright vicious late with the rent receipts. well, uh... that's jack's department. yes, mr. furley, speak to jack. oh, but would you whisper, please? all right. thank you. ( whispering ): jack? ( whispering ): yes. that little boy's gone, isn't he? uh, well, you don't see him around here, do you? well, then, why are we whispering? you'll wake him! he's still here! i told you i wanted him out of here.

are you kidding? my brother would cut off my allowance like that. oh, hi, billy. i heard what you said about me having to get lost. well, now... no, no, it's okay. i can't stay here freeloading off you anyway. it's time i got out in the world and got started on my life's ambition. what's that? well, see, all my life i've had this dream. i mean, i think it's the most best most important job in this whole wide world. i want to manage an apartment building. wait a second. you mean, you want to be a landlord? oh, yeah. i'm just not sure i'm smart enough. believe me, you're smart enough. do you really want to be a landlord? oh, yes, sir-- i read a book once that said you're supposed to shoot for the stars. ( chuckling )

but i just happen to be an apartment manager... a landlord. wow, a real live landlord. oh, come off it, billy! will you stop interrupting? i'm trying to talk to this nice young man. you know, billy being a landlord is fascinating work but it takes a lot of know-how. i wish i could stay and learn from you but i have to get out, so... well, now let me tell you something about this kid. you don't have to tell me anything. i can see what a bright, sincere boy he is. billy, how would you like me to teach you the tricks of the trade? would you really, mr. furley? you bet i would and i'm going to start by showing you the nerve center of this complex-- my apartment. come on. wow, a dream come true! oh, and, jack...

$100... due tonight! that's your first lesson. oh, hi. hi. we got the stuff for billy. oh, yeah? don't touch. chrissy: janet, come quick! what, chrissy? chrissy, what is it? billy's gone. jack, what did you do with him? well, he got a little too close to the edge of the balcony and i just... aah! jack, stop kidding. okay, no, serious... he's downstairs with furley. furley's teaching him how to be a landlord. jack, stop kidding. no, it's true. ( doorbell chimes ) ja-- i'll get the door. billy, come on in. you okay? sure. oh, good. oh, jack. can i talk to you alone for a minute?

do to me? will you just come on? you heard him; it was his idea. now, no more tricks, man. you can fool furley but not me, all right? listen, i know you're short a hundred bucks for rent money. so... i want you to have this. a hun...? where'd you get this hundred bucks? well, it just sort of fell into my hands. you didn't. tell me you didn't. i didn't. oh, god, you did. come here. not even a little finger. you're liable to hook something with it. girls, this is it. he's really done it this time. look at this. he took $100 from furley to pay our rent. oh, how thoughtful. chrissy, he stole it. are you sure? how would i get a hundred bucks? this is terrible. now what are we going to do? i know. i can sneak down to furley's apartment

oh, great. we'll see you in three to five years. come on, chrissy, this is robbery. not when you're putting it back-- then it's givery. listen, here's what we're going to do. the three of us are going to... ( doorbell chimes ) darn. oh, hi. look, kids, i don't have much time. i'm having dinner with my brother and if i'm late, he makes me wash the dishes. mr. furley, we won't be long. come on. we just wanted to tell you how grateful we are to you for helping little billy. yeah. oh, no, that was a pleasure. look, he's a fine lad. you sure look uptight, mr. furley. i'm always tense going to see my brother. did you...? he said tense. mr. furley, we happen to have just the thing for tense. right, chrissy? right. what? yoga. oh, right. yoga. come with us. come on, mr. furley. wait a minute. yeah, mr. furley, first

how would you like to try taking a flying leap? ( nervous laugh ) okay, sit down and relax. what are you doing? this is how i relax. that figures. tippy toes. mr. furley, please, will you concentrate? yeah, now, close your eyes and, uh, look inside your head. furley: no. get rid of it. get rid of what? ah, uh... your resistance, of course. mr. furley, please, just concentrate. now, do you see anything? no. i told you-- there's nothing inside my head. ( slam ) what was that? what was what? i heard a slam. a slam, well... that's very good to hear a slam because that's progress. it's progress.

sciousness is wide open. sounds like a long trip. i got to get going. no, mr. fur... ( yelling ) aha! i caught you. oh, no, no, mr. furley we weren't stealing any money from you. oh, yeah? then what were you doing with your hand in my drawers? well, okay, oh... i didn't want to tell you this, mr. furley but little billy stole $100 from you and gave it to me, so i was... oh, how low can you get-- trying to get out of a tight spot by putting the blame on an innocent little kid? it's true; believe me. believe you? after all that yogi bear stuff? well, i had $1,600 in here. let's just see how much is left. so why did you make so much noise? 15, 16, 17-- seventeen hundred...?

how did that happen? inflation? uh, mr. furley, i put that $100 in there. well, why didn't you give it to me? that's a good question. isn't that a great question? great. great. you know, when the chips are down you come up with great questions. well, thank you. what's the answer? well... come on. you don't fool me for a minute. i've got to get over to my brother's. we'll take this up when i get back. oh, hi, billy. keep an eye on them for me, will you? what was that all about? listen to me, billy. if you didn't steal the $100 from furley where did you get it? my chauffeur brought it. "my chauffeur." can't you ever tell the truth? he is telling the truth. master billy called

janet: you're his chauffeur? chauffeur: for the todson family. boy, they must be paying foster parents a bundle now. look i don't have any foster parents. i made the whole story up so i'd keep out of trouble. and then i had to keep going on with it so you'd keep liking me. ohh... he runs away a lot. sometimes it's three or four days before we track him down. you never would have gotten me if i didn't call about the money. the hundred dollars? billy...

he gets bored. bored? i mean, you must have a big house; you got a chauffeur. i mean, with all that money how could you possibly get bored? wouldn't you? well, if i... i mean if... yeah, i suppose. we have to be leaving now, master billy. well, that's the story of my life. so long. hey, i had a great time and thanks a lot. bye, billy. bye. hey, hang on, billy. i know how much you liked that old track trophy. so i'll tell you what. i'll let you have it. wow, thanks.

- i wonder where jenny is, you know, i'm worried. - why, is there something missing? - stanley, it's almost midnight. if she doesn't get

delivering her newspapers in a few hours. - that's crazy. you know, back in my time if a girl wasn't home by 11 o'clock, her father would have killed her. - back in your time, if a girl wasn't home by eight o'clock, you would have bored her to death. - oh, hi. what are you two still doing up? - hi jenny, oh, mister roper couldn't sleep. - aww. mister roper, you shouldn't worry about me, i can take care of myself. - yeah, that's what i told him. time on your date? - date? oh yeah. - what did you do? - oh, well we just sort of hung out. - what? - we just talked, mister roper. - what did you talk about? - cars. he's really into cars. - other people's, i bet. - stanley. what's he like? - okay, he's um tall, and

- no, but he runs 10 miles every day. - oh - keep ahead of the cops. - oh, he's so smart, and handsome too. - sounds a little like me. - very little. go on, jenny. - well, he's warm, and considerate, and understanding. - oooooh, he sounds wonderful. where did you meet him? - what? - i made him up. - why? - because that's what you wanted to hear. - she's got you there, helen. - quiet, stanley. look, jenny jenny, you're a young girl. you need to be getting some fun out of life. - mrs. roper, it's my life. and i'm doing just fine on my own, okay? - but every girl needs a man. you don't know what you're missing.

jenny dear, your life is - my life. and i've got to get some sleep. - jenny - will you forget it, helen? - oh, stanley. - come on, let's finish the game. i'm one card away from winning. make your move. - gin. - coffee, sugar, flour

- let me guess bozo the clown? - very funny. - what do you think you're doing? - i'm looking for something to eat. - flour? - it doesn't say flour. it says cookies. - they will be cookies when i make them. - it's all your fault, this wouldn't have happened if you had been here like you're supposed to. - i was out shopping with jenny. oh, stanley, i bought her the cutest pair of new shoes. - wiur - why do you have to buy her new shoes? - to go with the new outfit i'm buying her this afternoon. - helen, you're killing me. - stanley, jenny is a pretty young girl. she just doesn't know it yet. - wouldn't it be cheaper if we just gave her a mirror? - look, she should be out dating like other young girls her age. - didn't you hear what she said, she's not interested in boyfriends. - oh, she was just covering up. what she needs is a little

attention. - you're going to show her? - i attracted your attention, didn't i? - yeah, but that was right after i spent four years in the army. will you stop worrying about jenny and start worrying about my lunch. - is that all you ever think about? - helen, you're forgetting your wifely duties. - you gotta be kidding. - i'm going to go up and show jenny how to use the new eyeshadow i bought her. - what about me? - you look adorable. - you're going to love living in los angeles, michael. it's got everything, beaches, and pretty girls, good universities. - yeah, but how about the pollution? - you can ask him yourself.

introduce me? - i hadn't planned on it, no. - uncle jeff - uncle. - yes, this is my nephew, michael. he's just transferred here from columbia. - columbia? se habla espa?ol? - not the country, roper, the university. - oh. - my uncle jeff's been telling me you really know how to have a good time out here in california. - well, i do get around. - oh, don't even bother, michael. - oh, i thought i heard you, jeffrey, there's a call for you. - oh, excuse me. - you don't know anybody at all here yet, do you? - no, not really. - and now is not a good time to start. - jeffrey your office said it was urgent. - i heard what you said about having a good time. - oh yeah? - would you like to go out on a date? - you're not my type.

stocking up for a rainy day? - no, she's just living there temporarily. - yeah, well thanks all the same, but no thanks. - hold it, hold it, i'll introduce you to her this afternoon, and you can just ask her to go out. - i'm sorry, but i don't go out on blind dates. - hold it, you said that your new in town, didn't you? - yeah - do you really think you can find a date anywhere? - sure. - but you think you can find a date to go out with you tonight? - sure. can find somebody who will give you 50 bucks to go out with that date? - no. - aha! - you really offering me $50 to take her out? - did i say $50? - you got yourself a deal. $50 and i promise you we're going to have a great night on the town. - how about $35, and just hang around the neighborhood?

- mmmm. - do you want to let me get even for the other night? - later stanley, i'm hemming jenny's dress. - will you stop fussing around about jenny and let nature take its course. - sometimes nature can't make it. - hi! - oh hi, jenny. - oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. - mister roper introduced me to mister brook's nephew and he asked me out tonight. - he did? - isn't that terrific? excuse me, i've got to get ready. - but but, stanley - i'm home. - hi. - hi.

- i doubt. - you know, ann, he reminds me of me when i was 20. so charming, so bright, so talented, so - modest. - yes, that too. well, here i am. - ahem. - oh, michael. - hi, uncle jeff. - got a date. - a date? in town 24 hours and already has a date. my, you don't let any grass grow under your feet, you sly fox, you. i see we use the same aftershave. - you do now. - i hope you don't mind. - mind? of course not. oooh, that is a nice tie.

jeffrey, he's getting more like you every minute. - well, a man can't make too good an impression on the right kind of girl. ooh, why don't you borrow my car to pick her up. - all, no, no, no. - no, no, come on, come on. i insist. - okay. - have a nice time. - oh, i will. - oh, i'm sure you will. - hey, do you need any money, son? - oh, i don't like to take any money - okay, i just thought - but, since everything is more exns a lot. - ah, don't mention it. i'm sure whoever your date is, she is worth it. - right. - what what a what are you doing? - picking up my date. - you're what? - hi. i'll set. - oh, great. let's go. - michael [stammering] mi...mi... - don't wait up, uncle jeff. - mi michael.

- good night. - oh, stanley, didn't jenny look lovely? - ah, yeah. how about some dinner? - oh, i hope she has a good time tonight. - well, for $50 she better. - what? - i paid him $50 to take her out. - you paid himta - i don't care about the money. it's ohhhh!!!

- is it bribery to give somebody money to take somebody else out? - yes! - you call it bribery when you give that person money to try and have a good time. - yes!

you out? - he didn't. - it's only because he was too cheap. - stanley! - okay, you want me to tell you why i paid him to take jenny out? - yes! - because i miss you. - what? - well, you spent all that time with jenny and and none with me, and i i get lonely. - yeah, well it means a lot to me when i'm watching tv, or reading, to know that your near, close to me, in the kitchen, cooking. - okay, so you're lonely. what about jenny? - well, i did it for her too. i knew she was unhappy because she didn't have a boyfriend. - oh, stanley, i know you meant well. but you did the wrong thing even if it was for the

do about it now. - oh yes there is, when the kids come back you can do something. - i can ask him for my money back? - no, you can tell jenny the truth. - why? so i can make her unhappy? - she'll really be unhappy if he never asks her out again. - what if he likes her? - i'm not going to take that chance. now this time you're going to do the right thing for the right reason. - what is the right reason? don't. - that's a good reason. - imagine, my nephew out with that that that that girl. ann, you knew about this. why didn't you say something? - i did. i told them to have a nice time. - not to michael, to me, i could have warned him. - oh, jeffrey, don't you think he has a mind of his own? - uh-huh, uh-huh, exactly my point. we're talking about in intellectual here. he has no knowledge of the real world.

like that. - jeffrey, you're being ridiculous. it's just a date. it's not like we're getting engaged. - engaged?! - jeffrey. - aha! of course, that's what she's after. the family name. - dinkelman? - that's right, he's my sister's son. but what does that matter, she'll still look at him with those those big eyes, and tossed laugh at his tiny little jokes. - you mean like i did with you? - you couldn't help yourself. - jeffrey, what do you think is going to happen tonight? - ann, there is no telling what two people will do in a moment of passion. - hi, what are you two talking about? - wha ? nothing. - oh, sex again. - yeah. n no, uh - david, what are you still doing up?

honey, you go on to bed. - david, now just a moment, isn't there something you want to say to me? - what do two people do in a moment of passion? - go to bed. - oh, is that what they do? - no yeah no you, you, you go to bed. - you heard your father, david, you go right to bed. just as soon as he tells you what two people do in a moment of pa pa pa passion is an emotion. - what an emotion? - and emotion is a feeling. a feeling that you f that you feel. - like when i get a stomach ache? - no. no, david, no oh, we're getting very close here. no, this this this kind of feeling is something, something inside

- like a mommy having a baby? - no, no, no, david, no. it's not some some thing. some thing in side of you, it's a something. something in it's a something it's it's some something - it's okay, daddy, if you don't know the answer, never mind. it's not important. - but it is it is important. david, you you askeda how, how else are you going to to learn? - shh, shh, jeffrey. you see, david, you see how strongly your father is feeling about teaching you the meaning of words? - yes. - that's passion. - oh, thanks for explaining it to me. - your father was very happy to explain it to you, weren't you jeffrey? - oh, why sure. i mean what are

smart kid. - they're back. - they are? well, i think i'll call it a night. - oh, no you don't. you're going to stay up and tell jenny what you did. - helen, i can't throw a wet blanket on romance. that's that's just not in me. - believe me, stanley, it is. now promise me you'll tell her. - all right. all right. - ohhh, hi kids. well how did it go tonight? - oh, terrific. - it did? - yeah, we went to a disco, had a wonderful time. - really? oh, hey stanley, did you hear that? - yeah, it's too bad they'll never go back there again. - what makes you say that? - well, after i tell jenny what - n no, you don't have to now. i mean, didn't you hear? they

me to - nooooo, that was before. [stammering] how about some cocoa? - i don't want any cocoa. - i was talking to the kids. - i'll help you, mrs. roper. - and stanley, you you make michael feel at home. - do you want me to nag at him? - can you see he likes her? now make him feel welcome. - yeah. - oh, that's great, that's great. got any change left over? - oh, mrs. roper - oh, jenny - that michael - i know. - what a creep.

hands off me all evening. i had the worst time of my life. - but you said you had a wonderful time. - what could i say after mister roper introduced me to him? - oh, jenny, mister roper was just trying to help you meet a nice young man. - and i appreciate it, but i've got to get to know people first, at my own speed. - oh, of course. i should have realized. - mrs. roper, what am i going to do about michael? - well, don't worry, after him again. - so, just consider this your home. come for dinner tomorrow night, and then friday what we'll do is - i don't think so, mister roper. - why not? you'll have a good time. jenny will be here. - look, mister roper, is jenny related to you or anything? - no. - oh good, then i can level with you. and after all the trouble i went to tonight, she doesn't seem very grateful. - what are you talking about? she's in there making cocoa for you, right now.

you went out and spent a lot of money on a girl, didn't you expect her to return the favor? - well, sure. i never met a girl who'd spend money on me. - that's not what i meant. - oh, i know what you meant. she wouldn't let you kiss her good night, huh? don't worry about that, helen wouldn't let me kiss her good night on our first date either. talk about not knowing a good thing. - that's not what i meant either. - no? - listen, you l who really knows the score. - yeah. - well, after you've gone out and you've shown a girl a really good time, don't you think the least she could do would be to put out? - michael let me show you something. - huh? - come here, come here. - hey, what do you want to show me?

- listen, i don't care how crazy you are about this kid, i just threw him out. - what? - now, i know you'll be mad at me right now for a while - oh, mister roper - don't cry, jenny, i can't stand it when girly. - but i thought you liked him. - that's because i thought you liked him. - me? i hardly even know him, he's just some guy i gave 50 bucks to to take you out. - stanley! - you did what? - [stammering] i i i i i - he didn't mean that - oh, mister roper, you thought

- oh, i won't. i won't.

all: happy birthday! thank you. thank you. i'll never get this confetti out of my hair, but thank you. the hats were my idea. 17 has got to be better than 16. i've got a great boyfriend, i'm not new, and i'm finally used to being a witch. here's your present. i love presents. it's a handbook. one of these days we're going to have to talk about cool presents. this is a study guide. when a witch turns 17, she has to take a test to get her witch's license. will i have to parallel park my vacuum cleaner? doesn't work like that. but for some reason you have to take an eye exam. a quizmaster will come in a few days and test you. you only have two chances... don't worry.