[ laughter ] just-- just threw that in for us, and i should have thrown it out for us. thank you for coming, and we'll be right back. [ applause ] [ music ]

[ music ] the reason doc is not here tonight-- he came by a little earlier. he had to go to the dentist the other day. i don'ow going to the dentist is no fun, and he had a root canal for it, and he came back. he looked like a squirrel storing up nuts for the summer. [ laughter ] he tried to come in last night, so tom is filling in. if you just joined us we have betty white, jeff sideman. the mighty carson art players, and this man who is very funny. comedian and actor. just finished a movie called "the best little whore house in texas". you see. now, years ago you couldn't have said that. >> no. >> you'd have to say the best little house of-- >> fun.

couldn't have said that at all. >> no. >> he'll be performing at the westbury music fair on long island for one week starting november the 17th, and then he'll be at valley forge, pennsylvania for a week starting december the 1st. that's a cold time to be there as george washington will tell you. [ laughter ] washington was also at valley forge, but not in a round. [ laughter ] what? >> when he was addressing the troops he was in the round. >> no. no. washington always liked the proscenium stage. he never worked a round. would you-- would you welcome dom deluise? [ music ] [ applause ] >> is that-- that's amazing. we almost didn't make it. you know. [ laughter ] oh, jeez.

wonderful. yes. you put the joke in about the horse, and the mule, and-- >> just whatever. >> and then it doesn't work, and you laugh, and you make a living from not getting laughs. >> that's right. [ laughter ] >> he's goes-- >> you do what you have to do. >> i know. i know. >> that's nice when you come out. italians are known for touching. i mean, embracing. >> i did-- >> without any feeling of being non macho. you know. >> oh, are you kidding? hey. woah. no, i-- you know, i know what it's from. i just did a movie where i spent eight weeks with people, and yod i didn't-- i didn't even think that i was kissing. >> well, you weren't kissing, but it's nice to hug. >> oh, hugging. you know, i see burt. i bite him. you know, on the ear, and stuff like that. >> generally men don't do that in this country. >> well-- >> it's nice just to. >> i'm going-- >> no. no. no. no. >> play the same music. [ laughter ] >> dom deluise. [ applause ]

[ laughter ] >> johnny, how are you? how you doing, john? [ laughter ] it's nice to be here on the tonight show. [ laughter ] >> do you ever notice the more macho guys-- especially in football. there's a lot of back-- >> yes. they touch. oh, they had a wonderful time with me. the whole team could grab my-- at the same time. [ laughter ] there's room for everybody. >> you have been working on the picture the best little whore house in texas. >> yes. >> based on the broadway play with dolly parton. >> yes. oh, i have fallen in love with her. >> she's a nice lady. she really is a nice gal. talented. >> dear. sweet. she's wonderful. you know, when i met her it took me about three days to get to know that she was pretty because,

couldn't get past her neck. [ laughter ] you know what i mean? this is me looking at her. can you see? this is me looking at her. hello, dolly. [ laughter ] like a little puppy. you know. [ laughter ] i mean, she's gorgeous. >> she is ample as they say. >> ample. the fact that she can stand up straight, i think, is really wonderful. [ laughter ] you know what i mean? >> yeah. >> and sometimes she jogs to work, and i have a big problem black eyes. [ laughter ] john, i'm not making this up. this is some-- and she has tiny little feet. [ laughter ] >> she does. >> nothing grows in the shade. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> how many-- >> that's it. >> that's it. >> that's it. that's it. that's it. no. >> how many more of these descriptive jokes do you have? is that about covered? >> that doesn't cover it because--

okay. [ laughter ] >> now, the name. people who are not familiar with that title would sound like that's a racey rather-- >> well, it is racey. you can refer to it as the chicken ranch if you like. it's less offensive. i think people do kind of straighten up, and say, "oh, you know, you can't talk about that movie," but it's a movie about human feelings, and it's not offensive at all. >> no. >> there is nudity, but it's not offensive to me. >> yeah. >> i like that stuff, you know. [ laughter ]>> right? >> yes. >> did you have to-- did you have to work in this picture? songs. clothing. >> no. i wear clothes, but everybody else is nude. [ laughter ] >> not everybody. >> no. >> not everybody. >> not every single person, but there's a whole-- there's a raid on the chicken ranch that i-- that my character, melvin p. thorpe, does, and i run in there, and kind of upset everybody in the middle of the night while they're, you know, having chicken, and-- [ laughter ] they get surprised. >> do you feel-- it's like people they say if you went to a nude beach,

embarrassed. >> you tell-- i've been to a club. have you been to a nudist place? >> no. no. >> all nude people. have you? don't lie. [ laughter ] i know. i know. he said, "one." one night. >> no. i never have. >> well, all right. you know what happens? the first thing you do is take off your clothes because you don't want those people looking at you. [ laughter ] really. i tell you. it's only just that. you know, and then of course-- >> now, did you feel uncomfortable in this movie? >> they played volleyball when i was at the nudist camp, and then you don't-- you just-- your head. you get such a pain. [ laughter ] you don't know what to look at? oh. ah. woah. look at that. [ laughter ] you know, you get a neck-- it hurts your neck. it's terrible. >> what were you doing at a nudist camp to begin with? >> steve allen said, "would you like to interview nude people," and i said, "no," so i did, and it was rather touching. it was really sweet. i mean, it was-- it turned out to be very nice. it wasn't-- they were all lovely people. you know. >> and now you talked about your father on the show a lot. >> yes. >> how would your father have

>> my father. >> yeah. >> you mean seeing nude-- nudity, and i think he would have liked dolly a lot. i think-- [ laughter ] >> well. >> you know, because he liked meat and potatoes. [ laughter ] >> would you take-- now, what would your dad say? i mean-- >> he would say this. i no like this, and he'd say, "let's go." he'd say, "just a minute." [ laughter ] "i want to get this in my brain because i gonna--" [ laughter ] he would-- oh, sure. he would laugh. i think. >> he wasn't puritanical then. >> no. no. what does that mean? [ laughter ] >> well, you know. the puritan ethic type of thing. >> well, he used to talk about witches. he said that once a witch got him. my father was very superstitious. >> yeah. >> and he said that once a witch put a spell on him, and he says, "i no can be with a gal. understand," and i said, "no could be with a girl." i said, "a witch did that?" he said, "yes," but then i said, "okay.

>> he really thought the witch-- >> yes. he thought a girl made him, you know, for about a year he said he was impotent-- >> because a witch had put a curse on him. >> because a witch, so he would have loved this. his impotence would have gone very quickly. >> yes. i can see that. >> from meeting dolly. >> okay. >> can i talk about dolly for a moment? >> yeah. i've got to do a commercial first. >> because i went trick or treating with her, and i'd like to tell you about that. >> well, i'd like to hear about it. we can-- can we do this first? >> yeah. oh, sure. >> okay. >> say money right? >> you can say money. sure. [ laughter ] say money. yeah. we'll be right back after this.

[ music ] [ applause ] we're talking with dom deluise, and betty white is here, and jeff siemon, and we're going to-- seinfeld, and the mighty carson art players will perform later. now, we're talking about dolly parton. >> well, we got to be friends on this movie, and-- >> had you ever met her before? or outside of just-- >> i met her. i met her once at a meeting

but there's something about here. you know when you meet somebody, and then you start realizing that she is as sweet as you think she is? >> yeah. >> and then it's a revelation to you, so on thanksgiving i said, "i'm going to go trick or treating with my kids," and she said, "oh." >> why would you go on thanksgiving? [ laughter ] >> because i made a mistake. how sweet of you to mention it. [ laughter ] >> i thought it was a new italian holiday i wasn't familiar with. that you went out later than the rest of us. >> ah, i'm sorry. you went on halloween. >> give me a break. halloween. >> good. >> right. >> that's before thanksgiving. >> yes. [ laughter ] you dirty rat. all right, so anyway. it's that part when you get dressed up funny, and you ask for candy. >> yeah. halloween. >> halloween, so i said, "i'm going to go out trick or treating with my kids," and she said, "can i come," and i said, "really?" well, you know dolly is very recognizable with the hair, and all the rest of her, so--

i'm going to dress up," so anyway. she came to my house. right? she walked in, and i didn't recognize her. she was a pregnant hillbilly. she had on a-- she was pregnant. you know, with a pillow. >> right. >> and she had on freckles, and her hair was kind of wherever it was. i don't know, but it was-- she had like a big bandana on her head. she had eyebrows like groucho marx, and she had pencil marks, and red, red cheeks. big red lips, and every other tooth was blacked out. >> this is something she wanted to do. >> this is dolly parton. well, now. prince with a purple cape, and stuff, and so we went out with my kids, so there's a little kid, david. he was a beat up bum with-- you know, he was a bum, and michael was a motorcycle guy, so we opened the door. i mean, the person came and said-- or one guy said, "isn't there an age requirement?" [ laughter ] because i'm a big person. right, so then another guy gave out candy to david, candy to michael, and then he looked,

[ laughter ] gave her candy, you know, and then-- and in fact max was there, so there was another kid. now there's a guy who gives out pomegranates. right, so he's got a tree, and he's got pomegranates, so he gave one pomegranate to me. looked a little funny. sighed. gave one to david, one to max, one to-- and then he gave two to dolly. [ laughter ] i thought that was sweet. >> cute. >> but we did it for an hour. [ laughter ] we did it for an hour and a half, and i'm telling you. we went-- >> it's like going back to childhood. >> i've never done that. usually i'm saying, "david, get away from that bush. michael, give him back his candy." >> and you're out there dressed up in a purple cape. >> i was in a purple cape, and i had a great time. it was wonderful. >> we're all children at heart. >> well, you wouldn't do that. would you dress up funny? [ laughter ] and go to people's house in disguise. you couldn't disguise yourself. >> i'm not a big costume person. i don't generally like costume parties, and i'll tell you why.

on the crazy costume. >> i go naked with a raisin in my-- [ laughter ] >> you know what i'm saying? people put on outlandish outfits. you know there, and the first 30 seconds everybody goes, "oh, that's hysterical," and you're stuck the rest of the night in that stupid outfit. [ laughter ] after everybody has seen it, and you've got to walk around that way the rest of the night. >> yeah, but you have to drink, and take drugs. [ laughter ] but a good costume. you know, to keep up the fun, but a very good costume is a raisin. you put a raisin in your navel. you walk in forward, and you are a raisin cookie. if the raisin fall you turn around. you become a pocket house roll. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> you go to-- you go to a different level of parties than i do. obviously. [ laughter ] >> well, elizabeth taylor does that. somebody told me. she gets dressed up, and-- oh, yeah. >> with a raisin? >> get with it, john. get with it. yes. elizabeth taylor dresses up, and goes, and gets candy. that's how she gained

. i mean, the fun part. she's brilliant in her show little foxes. really. >> yeah. i haven't seen it yet. >> and maureen stapleton. oh, you haven't seen it? >> no. >> it's really good. it's about this family that wants to kill each other. [ laughter ] it's a lot of laughs. you know. [ laughter ] >> speaking of your family. do you get together on holidays? i mean, outside of-- >> i do. we get together. i love my family. i just love them. i really feel very blessed. i mean, i got-- i have a job, and then i go home, and i have a family, and i love it. >> that's great. >> you know, it's a little scary because thanksgiving is coming up. i'm going to be in new york, and we tend to eat until somebody dies. >> oh. [ laughter ] you mean you really binge it out on thanksgiving. >> oh, please. you know what an antipasto is? all those wonderful things, and then there's a soup, and there's sausage, and then a wonderful soup, and you know. it's escrow great, you know, and already you're getting a little sleepy from the soup, and then lasagna, and then when you make the sauce there's, you know, meatballs and sausages, and then that comes on. you know, a little salad, and then they bring out a turkey, and they go,

>> following the lasagna and sausage with a turkey? >> you don't eat-- no. you just have a little bit until finally the bird just-- somebody. bite me. [ laughter ] we have no use for the bird. we have no used for the bird. >> the bird becomes the centerpiece. >> that's right. it's a centerpiece. that's it. you know what i mean? >> all right. we're going to take a little break here. >> fabulous. >> then we will be back. yes. well, we don't know. it could be fabulous, but then the mighty carson art players. th >> well, we'll find out.

[ music ] >> thank you, tommy. many americans are upset by a recent court decision that made videotaping of tv shows at home illegal. now, the mighty carson art players would like to show you what that decision could lead to if the government chose to enforce that law to the limits.

the us ninth circuit court of appeals ruled that videotaping a tv show violates copyright laws, and is therefore a federal crime. the next day the enforcement of this court ruling is placed in the hands of a special government task force headed by well know federal agent elliott nielsen, and his video untouchables. [ music ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] this is video untouchables. elliott nielson, federal agent in charge. what's that? thank you. rico. young blood. get in here. [ laughter ] >> yes, chief. >> yes, chief. >> i have just received an anonymous tip on the telephone. >> what is it, chief? >> it's that black instrument there on my desk. [ laughter ] >> no, chief. i think he meant what was the tip. >> well, men. first you know it was bootleg

now the most disgusting, deprived practice ever committed by a human being. >> what? >> video taping tv shows in the home. now, monday night football was heard coming out of this home tuesday morning. [ laughter ] six o'clock news was heard coming out of this house at 9:30. now, my informant informs me that at this very moment the wilson family is taping a television show in their own home. it's right here at the corner of schrumm and grant. let's roll. [ laughter ] rico. i think this is your hat. >> no. that's my hat. >> give me my hat. >> this is your hat. >> no. this is-- >> give me his hat. [ music ] >> no. that's my hat. >> they sped on their way to the sight of the alleged crime in progress. rico, i told you to do that before you left the office. >> but i can't wait, chief.

[ laughter ] not my hat. i said, "give him your hat." that's rico's hat. >> no. that's my hat. >> give me my hat. what's wrong with you clowns? rico, that's my-- give me my hat. [ music ] [ phone ringing ] [ applause ] >> hello? hi, honey. oh, you won't be able to be home is this phone safe? all right. i'll tape the ball game for you, and be careful coming home, honey. yesterday they set up a video road block, and arrested the ferguson's with a kilo of leave it to beaver reruns. [ laughter ] goodbye, honey. are you kids done with your homework? >> yes. yes. we are. can we watch the-- can we watch the program on tv? >> oh, yes, hun, but just remember

alrighty. got your ammo? draw your tv guides. [ laughter ] young blood. what time is it? >> 8:00 o'clock, chief. >> rico. >> mmm-hmm. >> what's on? >> magnum pi, mark and mindy, harper valley. oh. oh. stella fights off the advances of cassie's old high school sweetheart at a class reunion. >> just the names of the show, rico. >> oh, look.

[ laughter ] >> that's on cable. >> oh, what time is it on? >> you'll say that until you hit puberty, young blood. ? it's a beautiful day ? ? in this neighborhood ? >> wait a minute. what show is that? >> i know. i know. >> young blood. >> that's mr. roger's neighborhood. i watch at 8:00 o'clock every morning. >> a morning show being watched at night. we've got ourselves a crime in progress here. algh this is elliot nielson of the video untouchables. we know you're watching an illegal videotape in there. >> oh, no. it's the heat. quick. stevie, get rid of the evidence. [ laughter ] >> freeze.

[ applause ] >> remember, son. always wash your hands afterwards like a good american. >> and always remember to put the seat down afterward. >> never mind, rico. mrs. harriet wilson, you're under arrest for committing a federal crime. video taping a television show for your own use. elliot nielsen. video untouchables. we have a search warrant. rico. young blood. you kids sit down there. >> maybe you're untouchable, but i'm not. why don't we get rid of these jerks, and you can show me the long arm of the law? [ laughter ] >> as a federal agent i took a solemn oath while on the job not to smoke, drink, or work up a sweat. [ laughter ] what's that in the toaster?

is ready. >> what is it? >> it's a panasonic danish. [ laughter ] >> kind of tasty, but a little bit on the stringy side. [ laughter ] my gut instinct tells me that you're hiding something. >> well, suck in your gut instinct, snub nose. i'm not hiding nothing. >> oh, wait a minute. what do you got in there? ah hah. talk about the boob tube. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> that's a blank tape. there's nothing illegal in there, copper. i'll tell you. i promise you that that's-- that ought to shrivel your nightstick. [ laughter ] >> it appears to be a blank tape, mam. well, you're right. we've committed a-- we've committed a federal error. on behalf of rico, young blood, and myself. we like to send our heartiest

even a federal officer can make a mistake. well, beautiful little fishes you've got there. [ laughter ] hi, little fellow. a couple of your fish seem to be allegedly dead here. [ music ] wait a minute. all right. the video jig is up. up against the wall. >> all right. >> i'll get you. [ laughter ] >> oh, elliot. your hands feel so strong. why don't we s in the other room, and i could snap your brim. [ laughter ] >> lady justice is the only broad that blocks my hat. bookem. beano. i mean, rico. >> right, chief. come on, kid. [ music ] >> chief. chief. the hell's angels are attacking the orphanage next door. >> is anybody videotaping it? >> no. >> then forget it. we're only concerned with serious crimes. all right. rico, give me your hat.

>> this is mrs. wilson's hat. all right. move along. get out of here. come on now. >> hey. that's my hat. >> wait a minute. wait a minute. [ applause ] >> harriet wilson was convicted in a federal court of conspiring to videotape the mr. roger's tv show. [ music ]

[ music ] thank you, tom. we are back, and we have ms. betty white who will be out in a while. >> that was fun. >> that was-- >> hard work. >> a little ambitious for us. >> but it was good though. >> we get up, and we give it a shot. >> it was like a movie. are you kidding me? it had sets, and shoot to film. >> betty is going to come out, and be with us later. right now is a very funny young man. he's off to a very good start as a standup comedian, and he'll be opening for andy williams december 8th through the 13th at the carlton in bloomington, minnesota. would you welcome

[ applause ] >> hey. how's everybody doing? well, good. good. i've been doing pretty good. i've been working a lot, and making some money. the bank noticed i was making some money, and said, "hey. let's give this kid some credit cards. see if he can hold onto it." [ laughter ] they gave me credit cards. these things are terrible. you just spend and spend. there's no paying. there should be some paying when you use these things. shouldn't there? i thth when they run it over the card. [ laughter ] they're always making it fun. they gave me checks with the scenes on the checks. have you got these? they gave me sports scenes. i don't need that. i'm writing out checks. sweating it out paying big bills. on the checks. people golfing. skiing. having a great time. [ laughter ] i'm not having a great time. i'd like to see bums and dead people. [ laughter ] i can look at them, and think, "well, at least i got a couple of bucks." [ laughter ]

so i'm going home in a few weeks for the holidays. visit my parents. that's really exciting. i've got to buy pajamas. get ready. [ laughter ] pajamas-- pajamas have got to be the world's funniest clothes. who designed pajamas? why do they make them look like a tiny suit? [ laughter ] they give you a little collar. button down, and a breast pocket. there's a useful item. [ laughter ] is anybody using the breast pocket on your pajamas? what do you put a pen in there? you roll over in the middle of the night. you kill yourself. [ laughter ] i also bought slippers which i never had before in my life. i never had them, and i went, and i picked them out. there's two kinds you can get. you can get the slide in. these are like emergency slippers. [ laughter ] oh, yeah. you can set these up by the side of the bed in case of a fire. hey. you pick them right up. you get right out. [ laughter ] you save a lot of time, or you can get the ones with the backs which are kind of like shoes which if you have pajamas

this completes the event. [ laughter ] [ applause ] now, you just get yourself a flannel briefcase. you're all set. [ laughter ] you oversleep. just go right into work. there's no problem. [ laughter ] i also bought-- one other thing i've got to tell you. boxer shorts. a very controversial item. i know a lot of ladies don't like boxer shorts, but i'll tell you something. ladies, they really help you create a more honest relationship with a man. let's say you're having an argument. he's just wearing his boxer shorts. he's got to be honest with you. i mean, they're down to here. they're out to here. he can't come out with a line like, "look, babe. you'll never do better than this." [ laughter ] [ applause ] i do-- i do my own wash. thank you very much. [ laughter ] i wash everything on the gentle cycle. to me this is much more humane. [ laughter ] i mean, it's so nice.

you could put a baby in there. you won't hurt him. [ laughter ] oh, it's a gentle cycle. i would really like to know what goes on in there. what is-- what is so gentle? so delicate. the machine doesn't want you to know. you notice that? it's very private. as soon as you lift up the lid it stops immediately. [ laughter ] it's like would you close the door please? i'm doing a very delicate cycle. [ laughter ] so i'm all set. i've got everything i need. i'm going back. i'm going to get on a plane. i love flying on planes. it's a lot of fun. they always give you that little show. the seat belts. the oxygen masks, and then they point out to you this very vague point. the emergency exits. [ laughter ] [ applause ] where are they? [ applause ] thank you very much. good night. [ applause ]

>> very good young comedian. his name is jerry seinfeld. he's going to do very well. >> i wrote all that material. [ laughter ] >> betty white will join us in just a moment.

[ music ] [ applause ] >> thank you, tom, and of course we all know. betty, of course, along with helping us out tonight will be appearing on bob hope's next special which airs on november 22nd. she'll be on an upcoming segment of love sydney, and it's always a pleasure to have her here. would you welcome, please, ms. betty white? [ applause ] [ music ] >> oh. >> i thank you for going through this madness with us. >> oh, i-- that's always such fun. >> it's like the early days

to put a sketch together, and you get up, and you go. >> you do, and all of a sudden i got up there, and i-- you saw that glazed look. you know, and i dropped the line because just as i went to inhale. i had stashed the tape down in there, and unlike your friend that goes trick or treating. i felt something slip, and i had visions of it popping out, and then my mind went blank. >> it makes no difference. >> we had fun. >> how are you? >> fine. >> good to see you. >> thank you. >> you've been working a lot. haven't you? >> been working a lot, and having fun. been keeping-- can't a and i'm writing, and producing a show over in hawaii. a fundraiser. >> yeah. >> edith head and i were putting on a fashion show with all edith's academy award winning clothes, and i was getting the animals for it at the raw hawaiian, and we lost edith, so we're going to do the show as a tribute to her. >> that's nice. >> and still have all her fashions, and all the animals, and surprise celebrities, and it's an exciting, scary thing to do. >> you were out lining up the animals. >> i was out lining up the animals, and the guests, and the sound, and the models, and the--

and it's not my thing at all. >> yeah, but you're involved with the-- >> with the animals i am. yeah. the animals i can do. we're going to have-- it's going to be joan crawford's outfit for instance. a wonderful thing we had designed for her, and i thought for that i'd have doberman pinschers maybe. >> that would be nice. yes. [ laughter ] >> now, don't be ugly about doberman pinschers. >> no. [ laughter ] >> how-- how much do you know about nature? you don't-- i brought a little quiz. >> well, i've had-- wead all the time with animals. >> do you want to do a quiz? >> i'll try anything. >> well, i thought-- well, i saw that a little while ago. >> well, sure. >> that was like going back about 30 years to live tv. wasn't it? >> mmm-hmm. what is this? a quiz on what? >> before my time. >> animals? >> this is a nature-- fact or fiction. true or false. >> sure. >> you can't go too far wrong. elephants live to be several hundred years old. >> that's-- that's wrong. >> okay. you're-- >> they don't. >> you've made that much. >> seventy or eighty. >> an elephant usually shows signs of senility at 50 like some of the rest of us,

>> fifty. >> fact or fiction. >> what was that again? excuse me. [ laughter ] >> only the female mosquito ever bites you. >> that's true. >> that's true. >> that's true. >> only the female mosquito sucks blood. the male is content with nectar and other plant juices. [ laughter ] >> doesn't call for any additional comment. [ laughter ] >> nectar never laid a glove on her. fact or fiction. squirrels have an accu memory for the places they have buried nuts. >> no. [ laughter ] no. i know. you know. now, you may not believe this, but i read this a couple of months ago that squirrels very often forget completely where they have stored-- [ laughter ] and can practically starve to death in the winter because they've forgotten where they put them. is that true? [ laughter ] >> absolutely true. some of my best friends

it's absolutely true. squirrels frequently forget where they hide part of their trove. we sometimes call it part of their trove. their poor memory is an important factor in the propagation of the forests. >> absolutely. >> and the florist, too. [ laughter ] fact or fiction. >> yes. >> venomous snakes are immune to their own poison. >> that i don't know. i have no idea. >> well, you can't have that. we don't have an i don't know. we have a fact or fiction. >> wrong. >> wrong. okay. true. >> oh, you see. i told you i didn't know. >> snakes are also immune to the venom of other snakes the venom of a different species, however, can poison them. >> see. i didn't know that. >> they forget where they put their fangs. [ laughter ] >> they don't have-- fact or fiction. >> right. >> beavers use their tails as trowels. [ laughter ] >> don't ask me no questions. [ laughter ] >> beavers use their-- >> beavers use their tails as trowels when building their dams. >> i don't think that's true. >> false. >> that's false. yeah.

as a rudder in swimming. >> that's right. >> or as a prop when standing on it's hind feet. [ laughter ] >> he hires a squirrel to finish the dam. [ laughter ] >> it's a treat to be-- no. that's another story. fact or fiction. if you cut an earthworm in two. >> yes. >> each half will become a new worm. >> that's true. >> gotcha. false. >> oh. >> the earthworm-- the earthworms head end will grow a new tail, su >> well, that's what i meant. [ laughter ] >> the piece of tail will be killed. >> you know it's-- what do you have left if you just cut off the head, and that grows? >> an angry worm. [ laughter ] a very disturbed worm. that's what you have. >> no. the thing you're left with is just a piece of tail. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> and you know that gets you nowhere. fact or fiction. [ laughter ] >> this show is degenerating into the pits. that's where it's going.

of nature. i'm trying. fact or fiction. a wild animal is more likely to attack you if you are afraid of it. >> absolutely. >> absolutely true. >> they can sense it. >> most savage animals are peculiarly infuriated by human terror. possibly as some naturalists believe because a frightened person gives off a scent of fear. >> that is true. [ laughter ] we'll be back in a moment. stay where you are.

si [ applause ] hey. i want to thank you so much. it's always great to see you. >> oh, it's wonderful to be here. >> we'll see you on bob's show the 22nd. [ applause ] have a nice night. [ music ]

? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? three's company, too ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ?

hi. i brought up your mail. the mailman must have put it in my box by mistake. oh, mr. furley, thanks. that's real nice of you. what's this? they want money to save the whales. i got one, too. out. well, you shouldn't do that. whales are an endangered species. that's right. if we don't save them, who will? oh, saving whales. that's ridiculous. you ought to do what i do. save stamps. they take up less room and they don't get your carpet all soggy. isn't that a whale of a joke? oh. if he keeps telling jokes like that

( phone ringing ) i'll get it. hello. no, jack's not home. who's calling, please? lee tripper. lee tripper?! who's lee tripper? i don't know. who are you? it's jack's brother. hi! no, i'm chrissy. she's janet. oh, jack'll be so sorry he missed your call. well, great. sure, we'll be home. okay. oh, well, jack'll be so excited when i tell him. okay. bye. janet, guess what? jack's brother's in town, and he's coming over. who told you? i'm psychic. oh, hi, girls. isn't it a beautiful day? the birds are singing. the sun is shining.

well, he'll be here in a few hours. oh, nuts. what's the matter? don't you like your brother? i love him. he's a wonderful person. it's just that i can't stand him. you're not making sense. no. it's... look, um, wait. i'll show you something. boy, if my brother were coming to visit, i'd be happy. you don't have a brother, chrissy. that's why i'd be happy. i always wanted one. you want to see what lee looks like? yeah. got some old photographs. come here, chrissy. ow! there's plenty of room. stop shoving. look. oh, look. jack, you were a handsome little boy. that's lee. oh. who's the cute little girl standing next to him? that's me. my hair was longer then.

he had thicker socks on. i didn't even know you had a brother. you never talk about him. i don't talk about my grandmother but i've got one and she's taller than me, too. boy, your brother was some athlete. there he is winning the 100-yard dash. there he is getting a trophy for first place in the tennis tournament. yeah, chrissy but there's more to life than coming in first. and there you are doing it. oh, gosh, lee was a scholar, too. look at this. class valedictorian. boy, if your brother's smart and handsome and good in sports what's wrong with him? there's nothing wrong with him. that's what's wrong with him. boy... that sounds like something you'd say. imagine how hard it was growing up with a brother who was perfect.

was... ( stammering ) i don't even talk good around him. oh, jack come on, relax. we happen to think you are the greatest. yeah. oh, it's no contest. face it, girls he makes a great living and he gets to travel to all these places. and what am i? i'm just a lousy student at cooking school. aw, jack, you're not a lousy student. you're a good student. no. jack, and you're a good cook. he's not a good cook, janet. he's a great cook. no, he's not a great cook. he is the greatest cook. well? that's it. that's enough. i am a great cook. i'm a better cook than he is. i'll show him. i can't wait for lee to get here. where you going? i'll cook up something that'll send lee's taste buds right up to the "woof" of his "mouf." the roof of his...

okay, give me all your sevens. go fish. ladies, this time i have outdone myself. behind that door stands the world's greatest quiche. another minute in the oven and it will be baked to perfection. oh, great. i'm starving now. nobody eats until lee gets here. oh, jack, please? okay, okay, chrissy. i'll give you a little quiche. quiche me, you fool. oh, jack. ( doorbell ringing ) i'll get it. oh, no, that's him. look at me. look at me. i'm shaking. it's just your brother. oh... jack, wait. hi. hi. i'm lee tripper. you must be janet. i must. i mean... i am ja... i am. i'm-i'm janet. jack's description didn't do you justice. it didn't?

( laughing ) yes. but don't let that stop you. janet, aren't you going to invite jack's brother in? what? who? oh, yes, of course. come in. oh, i'm sorry. come on in here. right in here. hi. welcome to the family. pardon? you and jack are brothers. janet and i are like sisters and jack's more like a brother than a roommate so it's like we're all related. you must be chrissy. you're even more stunning than jack said you were. well, looky who's here. hey, lee, how's it going? oh, great. good to see you. good to see you. when are you leaving? i'll be in town for a couple of days. janet: uh, lee, would you... you care to sit down? thank you. sure. jack, this is, uh...

well, lee, um... gosh, are you here on business? not exactly. my company flew me in for dinner. why? don't they have restaurants where you live? yes, but my company's having its annual man-of-the-year banquet. i won again. isn't that two years in a row? three. actually, i was hoping you could help me out. i need a date for the dinner tonight. well... i thought you might know a girl who'd enjoy a night of dancing, champagne, caviar. that sort of thing. i don't know anybody like that. maybe janet or chrissy would go. i'd love to. oh, i can't. i have plans tonight. you're out of luck. chrissy, you free tonight? yes! then i guess you're the lucky one. chrissy, you can't have dinner with lee tonight.

the special dinner i'm making. oh, my god, the quiche! oh. well, i'd better go. i have to check into my hotel. uh, chrissy i'll pick you up at 8:00. and by the way, it's formal. oh, okay. well, i'll call you mr. tripper and you can call me miss snow. i'll see you later. i got to get dressed. i'll show you out. thank you. oh... jack. it's a little overdone. what was it? quiche. i don't suppose you'd like a piece. charcoal's not my favorite food. i didn't think so. you know, you haven't changed a bit.

aha! what were you doing? uh, nothing. i was just going to step out and get a little fresh air. really? i thought you were waiting up for chrissy. oh, come on, janet, don't be ridiculous. were you? yes. you know what i think, jack? maybe you're a little jealous of your brother. me jealous? oh, come... i'm just worried about a friend. you can stop worrying. your friend is just doing your brother a favor. that's all. she's not interested in him. ( chrissy laughing ) there she is now. i'll bet you she couldn't wait to get home. did you have a nice time?sy,

uh, excuse me. hello? hi.

( humming dance tune ) oh, chrissy is such a marvelous dancer. i haven't had a partner like her since i won... both: first place in the all-city ballroom dance competition. uh, chrissy, you had a real rotten time tonight, didn't you? say yes. what's so funny? i don't remember. tonight's just a great big blur. ( janet chuckles ) chrissy, you must remember some things. well, i remember that there was a lot of water and things were going round and round. you went to a laundromat? there's a fountain outside the ocean view plaza hotel. ( laughing ) chrissy... chrissy, have you been drinking? no.

ng to make you some very strong black coffee. i'm all right. five champagne cocktails... wait, wait, wait. five? that's right. you said three just now. yeah... three and five is eight. come on. all right, lee, what was that at the door? jack, that was just a simple good night kiss. oh, sure. did anything happen between you two tonight? i don't know what you mean. you know what i mean. oh, you mean... that's exactly what i mean. of course not. i would never try that with a girl on the first date. thank goodness. of course, i'm seeing chrissy again tomorrow night. but that will be the second date. jack, you always were good at math. bye. class valedictorian.

first place, 100-yard freestyle. ( doorbell ringing ) first in this first in that. first in everything. he was even firstborn. good news, jack. i'm here to fix that sink you've been complaining about. oh, good, now everything's perfect. hey, what's the matter with you? you don't seem to be your usual gay self. no offense. but you do seem to be a little down. i am. is there anything old ralph could do to help? no, mr. furley. it's my brother-- he upsets me. well, i can relate to that. see, he's in town and whenever i'm around him, i just... i feel bad about myself, you know? i know exactly how you feel. you and i have got something in common. when i was growing up

my parents told me i was. that's terrible. they tried to be nice. i remember they used to take us to the beach. well, that sounds like fun. i hated it. bart buried me in the sand. mr. furley a lot of little kids bury each other in the sand. head first? and you really want to hear something? after my brother lost all of his baby teeth he used to steal mine so he'd get the money from the tooth fairy. while you were asleep? no, out of my mouth when i was awake. wasn't he a pistol? i don't feel so bad about growing up with lee. thanks a lot, mr. furley. i feel better... wait. aren't you going to fix our sink? i can't. i'm so depressed talking about my brother i've got to go lie down. look who i saw downstairs. oh, mr. furley, have you met jack's brother?

what's the matter with him? he's just, uh... he's allergic to brothers. well, i love mine. and i love this beautiful weather you're having. lee, it's been cloudy all morning. the sun's always shining when i'm near chrissy. which reminds me, are you busy tonight? yes, she is. she's having dinner with me. i am? we're going to chez robaire. a quiet little dinner, just the two of us, remember? that's a shame. tonight's my last night in town. i was hoping... you can't win them all. sometimes you just... me? you want to take me to dinner? you are my brother. we haven't had a chance to talk in a long time. you two go out, and i'll stay home. we insist you come with us, right, jack? yes... no! you don't want chrissy to come? no, i don't want to go with you. then it's just chrissy and me. no, wait. you'll come with us? yes... no... yes. i'll pick you up at 7:00. wait, wait, wait.

how's it going, jack? i don't want to talk about it. he's mad at his brother again. hey, what happened? i don't know how he did it but somehow he managed to invite himself out to dinner with chrissy and me. oh, no kidding? i sure wouldn't want to be in your brother's shoes. what? oh, come on, jack. where's the one place that nobody can compete with you? my bedroom? where are you going tonight? a restaurant? a french restaurant. oh, that's even better. isn't that your specialty, french cuisine? your brother can't compete with you there. janet, i see what you mean. jack, listen, you should be a good sport about it, okay? don't you embarrass your brother too much. no, i'll try not to.

jack, this is a very fancy place. oh, yes. chez robaire is one of the finest restaurants in the city. they know me here. good evening. robaire, how are you this evening? my name is maurice. ah, yes, maurice. yes. well, when you see robaire, please give him my best. we would like a quiet table for trois somewhere away from the kitchen if you please? have you a reservation? uh... actually no. then i'm afraid i cannot help you. we are completely booked this evening. um, sir... excuse me, excuse me. are you quite certain? terribly sorry. it was a terrible misunderstanding. but of course, i have a table for you. merci. see, i was... it was a terrible misunderstanding. a table for three in a quiet corner, you said? jack: i said that. he didn't say that.

lee: chrissy. mademoiselle. thank you. monsieur. mais merci. monsieur. merci bien. uh... i can't read this menu. no, no, no, no. tut. it's in french. allow me. now then, let's start off with les fleurs de mer fumes. though un consomme germain aux crotons d'or sounds very interesting. i see you have the boudin blanc cinq valute. oui. that's wonderful, jack. oui, monsieur. permettez moi de vous dit que c'etes votre choix etait excellent. vous desirez quelque chose autre avant quelque?

mon frere, a dit qu'il ne c'est parler que la nouriture mais c'est surement ca facon dit a lui de faisez n'etais bien qu'il c'est vrai que nous americans ne sont pas doue pour les langues des etrangers, hm? merci, monsieur. excuse me. we'll have what he's having. boy, that was so good. it was delicious. thank you. my pleasure, chrissy. i'm just glad i was here to order for you. well, i picked the restaurant. true, and you almost got us a table. anyone care for dessert? oh, not for me. my waistline, you know. yes, i'll have the gateau chocolat s'il vous plait. i see you have tarte aux pomme a la normande. that's very tricky to make. you have to roll the dough away from you. see, that's the secret because if you knead the dough toward you it can be very messy...

that's all right. i'll be right back. it's hopeless, chrissy. whenever i'm around him, i just can't do anything right. oh, jack! see that? i'm just a klutz. i thought at least here i could beat him. oh, jack, you're not a klutz. i mean, don't you see? it's no contest. well, don't rub it in. no, i mean, i would much rather spend an evening with you than with your brother. oh, sure.

brother lee were a cake he'd be all icing. but you're all cake with a lot of layers. i don't get it. what do you mean? you're real, he's not. oh, chrissy... but lee's a winner. remember that pittsburgh ballplayer willie star trek? . whatever. when willie steps up to home plate to hit that winning touchdown the crowd goes wild. well, i don't blame them. it's because willie is doing it for the team and for them. with your brother, he's just doing it for himself to say, "look how good i am." i mean, really, i feel kind of sorry for him. you feel sorry for lee? yeah. he's so predictable. chrissy, but you know...

when he comes back he'll say, "don't worry about the suit. i have another one at home just like it." oh, lee, i'm really sorry. look, don't worry about the suit. i've got another one at home just like it. what's so funny? nothing. suddenly i feel really good about myself. i'm really sorry about spilling... i just can't imagine going through life doing things like that. i know something else you can't do. what's that? you can't hit a touchdown with a baseball bat... oh, jack!

- he's a... he's a... - nude? - yeah! - all the girls in the class are crazy about him. - oh, isn't it funny how young girls are so easily impressed with a man's build. - yeah. - just refreshin shopping for you? - well, why not, you'll certainly do it better than stanley. - oh, great. - you know jenny, if you weren't living with us you know what we would be having for dinner tonight? stanley's favorite: liver and hotcakes. why don't you get us three nice steaks, okay? - mrs. roper, i hope you're not going to any trouble just for me. i'm really not that fussy. - you mean you wouldn't mind having liver and hotcakes?

you know what jenny's been doing? - looking for somewhere else to live? - she's been drawing my picture. show him, jenny. what do you think? - very nice. very nice. you left out a few wrinkles. - it's too bad about your liver. - for groceries. - are you crazy, a girl like that. what's to prevent her from keeping the money and running off? - where to, the riviera? - okay helen, but don't say i didn't warn you. - how could i forget, you been warning me every 2 minutes ever since we invited her to move in here. - we didn't invite her to move in here. she broke in here, remember? - at first and then we invited

now she's running off with your money. - oh, stanley. oh, hey, is your car running? - why, you want me to go after her? - no, i want you to drive me to my sister ethel's. - the car is not running. - stanley! - i hate to go to your sister's. - why? - one, she's a stuck up snob. two, she makes me park a block away. - but my mother is staying with her. there for a week and i want to see her. - i want you to see her, but my battery, my plugs and my fuel pump all aren't working. - well, i'll just have to ask mama to come and stay with us. - i didn't say i couldn't get the car started. - here we are, mother.

- yes. isn't stanley having tea? - he may be. but i'm married to hubert. - yes. oh this is a nice magazine. - yes, isn't it. we like to keep up with the newest thing in antiques. - well, i don't know why. stanley's too cheap to buy anything. horse went for $20,000. - oh, it's ming. they're collectors items. - yes, i know. your father had one. - oh really? now i want you to try one of... what? - he brought it back from the orient years ago. - father did? - yes. he told me he won it playing fan-tan on a sampan in

as this? - or was it playing sampan on a fan-tan? - who cares? now, was it the same as this horse? - oh yes. don't you remember? it used to sit on top of the radio. we had some lovely plaster ducks too. - never mind the plaster ducks. what happened to the horsey, mama? - , to... no,... i think ethel has it. - i'm ethel. - well then it must be helen. yes, helen. oh my goodness, $20,000. shouldn't someone tell her? - no. yes. i'll get on it right

helen? - i'm in the bedroom. come on up. - it's no use, i can't get it started. - for heavens sake, i just wanted you to help me make the bed. - i'm talking about the car. it won't budge. - oh. to fix it. she got it started the last time. - that was an accident. - your car is an accident. hello. - hello ethel, this is helen. i mean, hello helen, this is ethel. i just wanted to let you know how much mother is enjoying her visit. - oh, well she can tell me herself. i'm coming over to see her.

- what's the matter with her? - she's in bed with the flu. and i just thought while she was resting maybe i'd drop by and see you. - what for? - no special reason. just to have a nice little chat. i'll see you shortly. darling. - darling? - that roper's car is a disgrace. - what's it doing now? - what it's always doing. lowering our property values. sitting out front with its hood up. i could swear it belched at me. - well, now that i've caught you in a good mood... - i'm sorry, ann. what's on

the night at tommy's house i thought this would be a good time to... - oh, so do i. i'll just slip out of these old clothes and mix us a couple of drinks... - let me finish jeffrey. i want to tell you about my surprise. - you little devil, you. what is it? - white mice. - white mi - no, a real mouse. you see david's been pestering me for weeks to get him one. - oh ann, you can't be serious. i know you. a little rodent running around loose you'd be a nervous wreck. - jeffrey, it's something david

him something nice. - a pocket calculator is nice. - but you can't feed it or take care of it or watch it grow. - watch it grow? - his friend tommy has white mice. - his friend tommy doesn't live at royal dale townhouses. ann, can you imagine what would happen if some hysterical woman neighbor saw a mouse? - but jeffrey... - ann, i'm sorry, a mouse for david is out of the ques. [jeffrey screeching] [doorbell rings] - coming. ethel! - helen! - come on in and sit down. can i get you something? coffee,

- oh no, thank you. i just dropped by to talk to you about daddy. - daddy? - our daddy. now i know that you think i'm overly sentimental about him. - you called him a drunken fool. - i was joking with him. - it was at his funeral. - i was trying to hide my grie i do not have one single thing to remember him by. - well, what sort of thing? - oh, you know, a souvenir. a lock of hair, a faded photograph, a china horse. - oh, i may be able to to help you there. - really helen, i wasn't hinting or anything.

this. oh no, it's far too precious. don't you have anything else? - well... - remember that battered old thing that used to sit on top of the radio? - our cat? - no, a china thing. a horse i believe. i think it passed into your clutches, uh hands. - oh yh, junk. - i don't see it. where? - i mean in the storage room. or maybe in the garage. i can get stanley to dig it out for you. - when? - tomorrow. - tomorrow? - unless there's some special reason you want to have it right away. - oh no, no. tomorrow will be

- i found something better. - oh no! - i thought you threw it out in the trash. - they refused to take it. - i hope it's not ruined. [bugle blast] sounds as good as ever. - did somebody step on the dog? boogie-woogie bugle boy from forestlawn. - what would you like to hear? - never mind that. did you find the horse for ethel? - oh, yeah. - oh, good. - oh, that's nice. - it's a piece of junk. - it looks like a ming. - no, it's a horse. - no, i mean it's from the ming dynasty. we're studying about them at art school. - hey, i bet that's what that

bottles. - now i'm not saying that this is a real ming. - if it was would it be worth anything? - if it's ming, a lot of money. - really? - enough to keep you in chop suey for life. - stanley, it's real ming. it's worth a lot of money. - why, just because of what jenny said? you need more proof than that. - i got more proof than that. ethel wants it.