(jazz music) ? everybody knows ? it's about time ? it's about space ? about cave people in the strangest place ? it's about time ? it's about plight ? traveling faster than the speed of light ? about cave people and the brave crew ? as through the barrier of time they flew ? past a roman senator ? past a fighting minuteman ? to this modern site ? it's about time for you and me ? to meet these people from a million bc ? it's about two astronauts and how they educate ? a prehistoric woman ? and her prehistoric mate ? and now ? it's about time

(upbeat music) (garbage disposal running) - sound like god of garbage still hungry. - maybe mack and heck not feed enough today. - like that better. - fresh meat, oh mighty god of garbage, shad cook special for you with snail sauce. - we feed god of garbage. (loud noise) - date pits. you're supposed to run water when you use this. - god of garbage hungry, not thirsty. - this is a disposal, you litton. you're ruining it.

- everything, except the kitchen disposal, which they're in the process of destroying. - mr. tyler, be patient. if they destroy it, i'll have it replaced. - captain, i have been more than patient but i am running an apartment building not a playground for eccentrics. - but mr. tyler, they're harmless. (girl squealing) - stop! oh, you monster! you little barbarian! then get him away from me. away! - he's only playing, mr. tyler. - make believe breer hunter, tyler dinosaur. - tyler very nice. man who like to play with children not be all bad. - alright, down boy, down. - tyler make good dinosaur. - at last, i believe i have the legal grounds for evicting this family.

a truant is somebody who goes to school and plays hooky, but breer's never even been to school, and that's (gasp) even worse. - far, far worse. i shall report this to the juvenile authorities. - mr. tyler, this is blackmail. - yes, isn't it? - hector, there's only one thing left to do. - ay-ay, captain, start packing. - don't be silly. breer is going to have to go to school. - yes, breer must go to school. - right.

your insurance company won't replace the full value of your totaled new car. the guy says you picked the wrong insurance plan. no, i picked the wrong insurance company. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, you won't have to worry about replacing your car because you'll get the full value back including depreciation. and if you have more than one liberty mutual policy, you qualify for a multi-policy discount, call for a free quote today. liberty stands with you?. liberty mutual insurance. (music)

name. - breer. - breer what? - breer, son of grunk. - sit down, breer. - you know kids, with their zany sense of humor. - now, what did you say your last name was, young man? - breer, son of grunk. - sit down, breer. - uh, sunagrunk. - sunagrunk, hmm. interesting name. sounds polish. - no, as a matter of fact, he's from a very old american family. - i'll be 29, september the 18th. - i mean his age. - 12 moon, 5 falling star. - yes, good. he's 12 and a half. sometimes it's hard to get a straight answer out of the little dickens. - i hope we can channel some of that humor into our school magazine. name of parents? - his father's name is grunk and his mother's name is shad. - shad? - yeah, their family are fisherman

and an uncle halibut. - alright, hector. she's not interested in that. - i'm just trying to cover up, uh, explain. - gentlemen, may i speak frankly? - i wish you wouldn't. - i must. from the boy's strange attire and your evasive answers, i have a feeling that he was brought up in some obscure sect. - you're very intuitive, ms. linden. as a matter of fact, it's a very ancient sect and i'm afraid a little backward. we'll say no more now. i'll put him in ms. fenway's class with children of his own age until we test him. (children laughing) - he who laugh in face of breer must fight.

- they make fun of breer. - well, they're very rude. - good luck. - um, i want to apologize to you on behalf of the class. they're really very nice boys and girls but, once in a while, they forget their manners. boys and girls, this is breer sunagrunk. (children laughing) that's very sweet breer. now, if you'll sit at that desk, we'll start our class. - this morning, we're going to review the chapter on the solar system. now, if you've done your studying, you'll remember that the earth is just one of the many planets that uses the sun as a source of light and heat. - where son breer? - school is great distance, father.

- taxi. - mack and heck with breer. they protect him. - breer home. - hands, one each. feet, one each. stomach, still there. head, tight on body. son breer not hurt. - of course. school not for hurting. school for learning. - tell mother father about school. - well, it's really very nice. they've got these desks for the little kiddies with books and pencils and assemblies on friday. - not heck, breer tell. t's leave them alone. - come, tell what breer learn in school. - breer learn arith metic. - what is arith metic? - arith metic is addering and subtractering. - show. - addering is, uh, one plus one becomes two. - smart, huh? - one plus one becomes two? - becomes two what?

two plus three becomes five. two plus four becomes six. - becomes six what? what? - breer cannot tell father. - breer, son not have secrets from father. - (grunting) breer ashamed to tell father. - breer explain subtractering. - cute, huh? - shhh. - mlor, stand near mother and father. breer subtractering mother. no more mother. what left? - sad father. - shad not wish to be subtractered. - then breer subtracterate mlor. - no! mlor not want to be subtractered. - school stupid. teach boy to take away mother or sister from father. bad, bad! - teacher explained better.

out earth. earth like ... orange. (giggling) - earth like orange? (laughing) - i think he needs a little help. - breer say world like orange! - well, it certainly is. - if heck fall to ground and mud get in mouth, mud taste like orange? (laughing) - well ... - no. - well, go on. explain. - well, i can't. he wanted a yes or no answer. - look grunk, what breer's teacher meant was that the world is round like an orange and it turns around the sun like this. (lieutenant laughing) what are you laughing at? - you're turning the wrong way. - school bad. teach boy to subtracterate mother from father. teach boy world is round.

- teacher find out. not like teach son lies. tomorrow we got to school and tell teacher truth. - but grunk, the teacher is just trying to demonstrate-

explain yourself. - it's a new fad. isn't it groovy? - oh, mr. pettijohn. did you see what i saw? - oh, you mean the furs. (chuckling)

- ms. fenway, i am the principal of a progressive school not an arbiter of teenage fashions. as long as the children do their homework, they can dress as they please. (banging) - the fashion show is over. - father grunk, mother shad. - uh, how do you do? - teacher not look stupid. - world is round? - teacher stupid. - mr. sunagrunk, i ...

- how dare you? - grunk prove teacher stupid. world not round like orange. world flat like table. (children gasping) - why, you're mad! - very mad. grunk ask question. if world round like orange, why not we slide off? - if world spin around sun, why we not get dizzy? - because of the law of gravity. shad speak. tell why world is flat. - in our village over the hill, we had cousin slunk. beautiful girl. one day, slunk take walk outside village. we warn slunk not to go too far, outside village is end of world. but slunk not listen. she walk. it is dark and (screams).

l girl! - i don't believe this. - slunk, come back! come back! this story teach two lesson. one, world is flat. two, slunk is stupid. - this is insane. now, you people have to leave at once. - also have uncle bob who walked end of world and fall off. - out! just get out! - yes, out! come back to stupid school no more. - um, boys and girls, there will be a short recess while your teacher has a nervous breakdown. - slunk fell off the world and uncle bob fell off the world. it was just terrible! terrible! - there, there, ms. fenway. there, there.

- oh, did they? well, harry slookem, my best science student wants me to prove the laws of gravity. he doesn't believe them anymore. (crying) - now, grunk show how world was born. first, great turtle come down from mountain. soon is dinner. - turtle walk slow. - but what i can't understand, if the giant turtle came down the mountain before the world was created, where's the mountain? - what are you getting involved for? - if he not ask questions, he never learn. where was mountain? - floating in sky. - oh! isn't that interesting? - look hector, in the 20th century, this kind of talk

- shhh. coming to best part. - great turtle meet magic egg. he sit like this. - uh ... - not that hard. - here. - and from egg is hatched the world? - yes. tomorrow we study how first great dinosaur fill up hole in world with ocean. - oh, i don't want to miss that. t? - now look, listen to me everybody. - school closed. - mr. pettijohn is going to be here in a few minutes. - shad put another bone in soup. - no shad, he's not coming to eat. he's coming to find out why breer hasn't been in school for the last week. you have got to let breer go back to school. - breer not go to school till they teach world is flat. - would you believe bent a little? - flat. - fine. (doorbell ringing)

- thank you, captain. - oh, this is mlor, breer's sister. and this is breer. this is hector canfield. - lieutenant. - and grunk and shad, breer's parents. - i'm very pleased to meet you all. (audience laughing) - well now, i suppose you all know why i'm here. breer's parents have a zany sense of humor. - you mean they don't really believe the world is flat? - not believe, grunk know world is flat. tell about cousin slunk. - shad have beautiful cousin, slunk. one day- - i've heard about her. my condolences. - it's a fascinating story. - captain, may i speak to you privately?

- watch it! (audience laughing) - as principal of my school, i have an obligation to see that every child gets a decent education. - well, mr. pettijohn- - don't you see, captain? the child would be taught at school and then he would come home here and be untaught. ll make a deal with you. suppose breer's parents go to night school and further their own education. would that satisfy you? - very well, but they must register immediately, captain. immediately! - here is sacrifice, oh great god of garbage.

- if night school tell lies like day school, we go back to village tomorrow. - believe me, you're both going to love it if you just give it half a chance. - they've got some exciting courses here, like business administration. - hector, somehow i have a feeling they're not ready for business administration. - sound good to shad. - well, i picked a class i think you'll like a lot better. hector and i are going to the office to take care of the registration. bye. - bye, bye. - last week, we discussed the theory of evolution, which took us down through the ages to the period approximately one million bc. now, at that time, the earth was populated by what is known as prehistoric man. eee! - you certainly have to hand it to mr. babcock, the way he dramatizes the course. - we come to learn in night school.

- uh, take a seat. - take seat where? - that's not very funny. will you please sit down in those seats so i can continue? thank you. now then- yuck. - how corny can you get? - look, i know you're putting me on but who sent you here? - mack and heck. - professor mackinheck? i think it must have been pettijohn. sounds just like him. - grunk and shad come to learn. speak, so we can learn. - speak, yeah.

cave men. now, even in those days, man was constantly searching for an explanation as to the meaning of the universe. (laughing) for example, prehistoric man believed that the earth was created by a giant turtle who came down from a mountainside to hatch an enchanted egg. g) - teach more, smart teacher. - another fascinating belief of that period was that the earth was flat and if one walked to the edge of it, one would fall off. - teacher speak truth. - as in all civilizations, the home,

e center of family activity. the cave was usually built underground so that the cave dweller had to crouch when inside. like this. - teacher smart, but make one mistake. grunk cave not in ground. grunk cave inside mountain. - professor george allen of stanford. - my name grunk. her name shad. - my name shad. his name grunk. - grunk cave big like school cave. grunk have finest cave in whole village. (clapping) - why don't you tell us what the food was like in those days? - shad tell! have good recipe for mastodon meat. - naturally. - take one mastodon, add one cup of water. put in tail of blue lizard. sprinkle with mash bone of cucuruku bird.

- mmm, is delicious. you come to shad's cave. she make for you. well, our new pupil's have certainly done their research. professor william botsworth of berkeley? - my name grunk. her name shad. - my name shad. his name grunk. - his name grunk. yes, very well, professor. i'm sure you'll agree that the discovery of fire changed the lives of prehistoric man. now, fires were started by rubbing teacher not know how. grunk show. must use wrist. ooh ooh. now. - be careful! - grunk careful. - fire! fire!

- let's go, we got to get out of here! (fire alarm ringing) - why? fire go out soon. - it's not going to go out by itself. come on! - of course not go out by self. - smoke go up to eye of great turtle in sky. - great turtle cry, tears come down. fire go out. (water splashing)

you'll be late for school. - (shad) shad almost ready! (knocking) - i'll get it. - oh, hello mr. tyler. - i don't like to bother you gentlemen, but have you seen the crystal chandelier that hangs in the lobby? - oh yeah, we see it every time we come in. - and when we go out. - well, you won't see it anymore. it's gone, stolen. - we didn't take it. - i know that, lieutenant. however, your guests have been known - oh, no you don't. not this time, mr. tyler. they're on their way to school. - ready for school. we study about mr. edison, god of the electric bulb. - that's nice. - we bring peace offering tonight. (crystal jangling) - my chandelier! go get it before they drop it.

? it's about time ? it's about space ? about cave people in the strangest place ? it's about time ? it's about plight ? traveling faster than the speed of light ? about cave people and the brave crew ? as through the barrier of time they flew ? past a roman senator ? past an armored knight ? to this modern site ? it's about time for you and me ? to meet these people from a million bc ? it's about two astronauts ? and how they educate ? a prehistoric woman ? and her prehistoric mate ? and now it's about time ? it's about time ? it's about time ? it's about time

- mack say not touch. - (shad) make strange sound. - sound like river inside. - shad want to look inside. - mack say no and grunk say no. - shad say yes. - everything strange in cave of mack and heck. - better close. - yeah, better close. - shad open, shad close. oh! - woop. ooh, better close fast! (discordant music)

snow! what's going on here? - magic. - no! turn that dishwasher off. - what is dishwasher? - they went to see jenimal. - not jenimal, journal. - you mean general. - general? that funny way to say it.

you broke the time barrier and you landed in the stone age, barely escaped with your lives. then you returned with an entire caveman family. - sir, we feel that the government is better equipped to handle these people than we are. - they can't even cross the street by themselves. they could step off a curb and get killed. - so could any other average american citizen. - all we're asking for is permission to bring them here. - it is dr. hamilton's considered opinion that you are suffering from an hallucination, but i will make you a deal. you bring them here. produce them within one hour, but if you can't deliver, you will never mention it again. agreed? - that seems fair, sir. - well, thank you for your vote of confidence. - we'll be back in an hour, sir.

general custard thought he had a problem. - come on now, don't be nervous. - i'm not. - mum. - this way, come here. - grunk never see a general before. - that's okay. he's never seen anything like you before either. - commander, perhaps i haven't made myself clear. general morley wants those reports and he wants them now. that captain mckenzie and lieutenant canfield are here. - the general is expecting us. - sir, captain mckenzie and lieutenant canfield are here. - yes. send them right in. - you heard him, men. - we'll be right back. you wait here. - are ... are those with you? - sure. - well, are they a little unusual? - unusual, what do you mean? - well, for one thing, the clothes they're wearing.

against civilians? - (captain) captain mckenzie and lieutenant canfield reporting, sir. - at ease. well gentlemen, are you all ready to forget that wild story about the cave people? - no sir. we brought gronk and shad. - gronk and shad. - the cave people, sir. those are their names. - oh? (buzzing) grunk save man from hissing snake. (broken buzzing) - grunk mighty hunter. - very big head for skinny snake. - the buzzer doesn't seem to work. - i'll get them. - we can send a camera probe to mars

- they're not ozzie and harriet. - general morley, standing before you you see tangible evidence of our flight through time. grunk and shad. - shake hands like i showed you. go ahead. - oh, he's perfectly harmless, sir. - general not look more important than mack and heck. - she doesn't know what she's saying sir. - general, if you'll notice the type of fur they're wearing - (lieutenant) tell them about how we met, about breer and the din- - lieutenant canfield, if you don't mind, i will conduct the interrogation. - where are you people from? - from other side of hill. - uh, which hill? - more than one hill? - well, how old are you? - shad woman. not have to tell. - grunk man. not afraid to tell. grunk see many sun, many moon.

- uh, well, i'm not at all sure what i see. what i need is a medical opinion. captain daniels, would you send in dr. hamilton? still doesn't work. - (captain) general, may i get him for you, sir? - captain mckenzie, i'll get him. excuse me. - i'll state it simply, doctor. cave people in my office and i was just ... doctor, are you listening to me? - oh, i am. i am. would you care to lie down on my couch for a few minutes? - stop treating me like a potential patient. - but you did say two cave people. - well, it's certainly not ozzie and harriet. anyway, captain mckenzie and lieutenant canfield insist- - oh, those two again. - yes, only this time they brought these cave people with them. - general, did it ever occur to you that they have hammered at you so often

crept into my subconscious. i am interested in what crept into my office. - general, as a medical man with degress from john hopkins, harvard, and two years in austria, i can assure you most certainly they are not ozzie and harry. - the man is grunk. the woman is shad. dr. hamilton. - you doctor? (laughs) - what is so funny? - if you doctor, why you not wear dinosaur tooth around neck to keep away evil spirit? - maybe he wear dinosaur tooth under white coat. - he's what we call a head shrinker. - head shrinker! - well? - strange. very strange. - doctor, i did not need a medical opinion to come to that conclusion. - i think we should take them to my examining room. - captain mckenzie, bring your friends and follow us.

where mack and heck live. - it won't take long ozzie, uh, grunk. - breer and mlor alone too long. - don't worry about it shad. i'm sure tyler is taking very good care of them. (music) - tom sawyer, knowing that his friend, huck finn, was in trouble, made a decision, the kind that only true friends make. would you turn the page please? tom got aboard the raft, and as it sailed up the river ... (perky music) - we can see and hear her but she can't see or hear us?

- grunk teach lesson. - no! no, no. first make friends with chair, then sit. nice chair. nice chair. nice chair. (makes high-pitched noises) see? - nice chair. (mimics noises) nice chair. oh, stop. - grunk! - oh, oh, stop. - grunk! grunk! - oh, chair stop! - grunk! - stop chair. - shad head go one way, stomach go another. - they're acting just like-

- grunk hungry. strange banana. (light playful music) - outside taste better than inside. - what do you say, doctor? are they really stone age people? - i can't give you a definite answer. - well, what do you think? - i have dozens of tests to make, questions to ask. - they act like shad and grunk are a couple of freaks. - i'm beginning to be sorry we brought them here. - yeah, me too. i'd like to straighten that general out. - do you realize what you just said? - no, don't tell me.

after you, doctor. - what do you think we ought to do? - well, he's the general. i suggest we do as he suggested. - now, i am going to run them through a complete series of physiological, neurological, and psychological tests. - you know, doctor, from what i've seen thus far, i may owe those two boys an apology. - ah. this way. - now, here we are. - thank you. - well, here we are. doctor, you're in command here. - thank you, general. now, each of you will sit in a chair. - grunk!

- captain mckenzie, you and the lieutenant go that way. doctor, come with me. - general, treat them gently. they're like children. - captain, when a man has got a stick that big, how do you think i'd treat him? - this way. - must find mack and heck!

- mack? heck? strange cave. - this whole side of hill strange. (loud thumping) someone come. - quick, hide! (thumping continues) this doesn't hurt a bit.

- is not incredible! is grunk! - (technician) is that you nurse? - shad. - do you see what i see? - see bones of grunk, made all gone. what shad tell children? nothing left of father but bone! grunk, made come back! - this very bad cave. - run, before they steal meat again. - doctor, excuse me. we're looking for two people- - the appendix was virtually a second stomach. the lung capacity was fantastic. - uh, pardon me. did you see two- - i swear there was a vestigial tail. - he saw them! he saw them! - of course, it's impossible.

there's no trace of a vestigial tail on any human being. what i've seen through the fluoroscope is impossible. - general, they've been here. - come on. - (voiceover) attention all security guards. hold and detain two civilians, answering to names grunk and shad. repeat, names grunk and shad. - hector, we better find them. grunk could set the space program back fifty years. - how could they do that? - i don't know, but you can't underestimate a man who's killed over a dozen dinosaurs. - well, we've got nothing to lose by trying. - yeah, mr. tyler could handle it if they got back to our apartment. - then tom entered the house and kissed his aunt polly. (phone ringing)

- it's the telephone. answer it. will you untie me, you little monsters? please untie me. - not part of game. tyler must untie self. - will you answer that phone? - what phone? - phone is that thing, that beige thing on top of the chest there. pick it up. - make fly. aw, wing fall off. - will you two stop this stupid game and pick up that phone? - bird not sing any more. - if i get myself loose ... (voice coming through phone) - make funny noise. - say, "hello." - to dead bird?

- is that you, breer? - young lady, pick up the receiver and give it to me. - bird called breer by name! - hello? - mlor, give the telephone to mr. tyler, please. - bird want to talk to you. it sound like mack. - no, mack too big to fit in little box. - captain! captain, is that you? - mr. tyler, get a little closer to the telephone. i can hardly hear you. - are grunk and shad there? - no, they're not, and if you don't come soon- - i can't talk any longer, mr. tyler. we're in a little trouble. - (voiceover) attention, security guards. those two strange civilians were last seen in the vicinity of exit 38. repeat, exit 38 leading to the parking area. (trumpet music) - which way? - shad not know.

- maybe ride in strange animal mack and heck call car? - good idea. (upbeat music) animal, take grunk to cave of mack and heck. - take hold of neck and talk. please. animal not like grunk. - mack and heck, they push things and pull things. - grunk try. (buzzing)

(fast hectic music) shad try. (loud continuous honking) - shad alright? - shad fine, but car animal sick. - get that horn, soldier.

nd heck? - captain mckenzie, on the double! they'll be right here. - grunk, shad, are you alright? - shad alright now. - grunk alright too. - i suggest we get them back to the testing lab. - gentlemen, they're in your charge, but if they get away again, if they get away from you ... - yes, sir? - don't ask, hector. don't ask. (music) - blood pressure?

general, i'm not ready to form a conclusion yet, but fantastic as it seems, they may be from the stone age. - well, if they are, i am dumping this whole thing in washington's lap. - they'll bring in top specialists from the mayo clinic, from menninger's, the best medical brains in the country. - right. this is a matter for the experts to investigate. - (technician) ready, sir. - boy, that thing is scary. - yeah. hector, you and i have been through it a dozen times. - yeah, and every time i get scared. - i'll tell you something that'll really shake you up. - what's that?

- they'll be looked on as a couple of freaks. they'll be poked and prodded, and put on exhibition, and tested, and retested, and paraded around like a couple of trained monkeys. - but they're people. - yeah, they're people in trouble. - well, what are we going to do? - come on. i've got an idea. (machine beeping) - general, i've never seen anything like this in my entire life. - i wish i could read those squiggles. general can hear us? - yes, shhh. hector, i want to talk to you. i think we've seen enough. - yes, yes. i think we can turn this case back to central intelligence. - turn that whole thing off. - obviously, general morley has attacked this problem with patience, logic, and reason. - i don't think he was fooled for a minute by those two actors. - central intelligence could not have picked a better man for this new assignment.

t information, doctor. - i understand, general. the tests are over. - general, may i speak with you? - just a moment, captain. doctor, i'll need no further information. gentlemen, it is quite obvious these are not prehistoric cave people. - but sir, you don't seem to understand that- - hector ... may we have your permission to leave, sir? - you have permission to withdraw and take your cave people with you. - thank you, sir. - get dinosaur tooth, then you be real doctor. (playful music) - if i didn't know they weren't

- remember hector, no more talk at the space center about cave people. - yes sir, i'll remember. - we did the right thing. after all, we don't want them to treat grunk and shad like they're in a zoo, do we? - i'm sure glad the general bought that story about central intelligence. - (lieutenant) boy, are we lucky. - yeah, lucky is the right word. - now those cave people can live with us for the rest of their lives. - happily ever after. (discordant music)

(fingers snapping rhythmically) ? they're creepy and they're kooky ? mysterious and spooky ? they're altogether ooky ? the addams family ? the house is a museum ? when people come to see 'em ? they really are a scream ? the addams family man: neat. sweet. petite. ? so get a witch's shawl on ? a broomstick you can crawl on ? we're gonna pay a call on

you do all this research on a perfect car, then smash it into a tree. your insurance company raises your rates. maybe you should've done more research on them. for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. and if you do have an accident, our claims centers are available to assist you 24/7. call for a free quote today. liberty stands with you?. liberty mutual insurance. (drill whirring) (exclaiming)

darling, i've almost worn out the drill. sharpen it up. sharpen it up. now, dear, too much of a good thing... querida, please, you were just hitting a nerve. okay, now, just one more time. (exclaims) i'm sorry to spoil your fun, but something's wrong with pugsley. he hasn't spoken a word since he came home from school. maybe he can't think of anything to say. he's just lying there on his bed of nails, staring up at the ceiling. is all tuckered out. but he hasn't eaten anything. pugsley, not eaten? no! the poor dear looks miserable. well, he never was too attractive. pugsley, darling, tell your mother what's wrong.

oh, dear. what do we do now? we've run out of relatives. (sighs) i'm in love. pugsley in love. oh, my baby's growing up. (chuckles) don't worry, my dear. little casanova is a chip off the old block. i'll never forget my first crush. ght. but it didn't work out. first time i kissed her, we locked braces. took the dentist two hours to pry us apart. good shot, querida. it's depressing to see pugsley so sad. ruining my game. see what i mean?

sad. gomez, please, have you forgotten completely about poor little pugsley? we must do something to cheer that boy up. how about a new toy? splendid idea, my dear. i'll take care of it. you do that, darling. you're so sensible and practical. show me the boy who wouldn't like this. it's beautiful, darling. what is it? what is it? look. (loud whirring) marvelous! not only...constructive, but...body-building. what? not only...

darling, i might have known you'd get a practical gift like this. may i try? (stammering) oh! this is marvelous. pugsley will have a wonderful time. time? 7:45. what's going on here? the new toy for pugsley. what? pugsley's new toy. will you shut that thing off? new toy for pugsley. oh, that's ridiculous. why? why? why? he's got one already. oh. well, in that case, i'll have a nice talk with the boy.

hey, this thing is contagious. i'll return this thing. no, i'll take it. boy, this thing really works! what's the matter, darling, can't you sleep? i know, how about if i read you a nice ghost story? i don't feel like a bedtime story tonight. oh? all right, darling, try to get some rest. good night.

pugsley, what on earth are you doing? i'm writing a letter. a letter? scented? licorice, my favorite. "and the way you squint your little beady eyes is real keen." pugsley darling, that's no way to write a love letter. why? what should i say? oh, i do wish i had some of the letters your father wrote me when we were courting. why, thank you, thing. that's very thoughtful. now, your father wrote some very fiery letters. here's one. that was a little too fiery. let's see. no, i don't think so.

now, kiss mother and run to bed. it's very late. good night, darling. oh, boy! dear teacher... "dear teacher, this is..."

wrote this letter? i've always considered the addams boy a little strange, but this letter... i decided it was a matter for the principal. what's he doing in the fourth grade? there's no signature? how do you know the addams boy wrote it? i saw him sneak it on my desk. well, you had better see romeo's folks about this immediately. i was hoping you'd come with me, mr. jennings. you're so diplomatic, assured, poised, masculine. true, true. and i am so bumbling, helpless, ineffective... true, true. feminine. come, miss dunbar. you'll have to handle this yourself. and please, miss dunbar, try not to make a fool of yourself.

that kid should be writing peyton place. ole! ole! ole! (shouting) ole! wonderful sport, lurch. it has its ups and downs. just like life and love. that reminds me, how is pugsley? normal. (laughs) already forgotten his teacher. (chuckles) that's my pugsley. love them and leave them. yes, mr. addams.

bring me a ladder, lurch. (foghorn sounding) better answer the doorbell first. yes, mr. addams. pugsley's teacher. ahoy, miss dunbar! there you are. yes. you know me? of course. don't you remember that enchanted evening never mind the ladder, lurch. alley-oop. how do you do? lurch, you can take the trampoline to your room. yes, mr. addams. tea, coffee, champagne? please, this is not a social visit. i have a... well, there's a letter i must read to you. well, sit right down. make yourself comfortable.

really? my favorite reading. very embarrassing. well, then read the parts that aren't. there was one sentence. "when i first saw you from afar, "my heart flamed with a fierce passion, "and when you spoke french, "ooh-la-la! ah, your radiant beauty, "your captivating allure..." "...your captivating allure, "drew me to you like honey to a suckle." honey to a suckle? then you wrote this? i certainly did. oh, mr. addams! i don't know what to say. i've never had an attractive man like you fall in love with me before. what? in fact, i've never had any man fall in love with me before. that's why i...

maybe we should stop before it's too late. yes, we must end it. it's madness. (exclaiming) let it be madness! what does it matter as long as we have each other? (miss dunbar exclaiming) mr... we have a guest, my dear. i'll have lurch set an extra place for dinner. i think i'd better explain this to my wife. i think you better. john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present.

who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick. get 50 meg internet starting at $39.99 a month. call now. and with home wifi, the whole family can be online at once. g reat for kids to stream scary shows while not cleaning their room. you'll also get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee, and there's no contract to sign. get 50 meg internet with no data cap starting at $39.99 a month. plus, free installation and access to over 500,000 twc wifi? hotspots nationwide. would rex pass up more beef stew? i don't think so.

that boa constrictor i got you for your last birthday. i can sympathize with her. i know how irresistible you are. i guess i'll have to tell her she's making a mistake. darling, you can't do that. i can't? well, of course not. it would crush her, darling. two rejections in one day. two? first pugsley, and then you. cara, you're such an understanding woman. it would be cruel to hurt her. but if i lead her on, she'll have to know the truth eventually. "'tis better to have loved and lost "than never to have loved at all." lincoln? jefferson. i'll even play the jealous wife, give it a touch of realism. morticia, you're all woman. yes, i know. for you, i'll do it.

even look at another woman. darling, you're doing it for me. for you. oh, darling, say it with flowers. and, gomez, now, i know how you get carried away, so when i say "stop," stop. cara. gomez: for you, morticia. miss dunbar, my treasure. mr. addams, i've been thinking about us. i'm afraid we're making a mistake. a mistake?

yes. did antony and cleopatra make a mistake? yes. did romeo and juliet make a mistake? yes. well, everyone's entitled to one mistake. you're my only passion! mr. addams. mr... (miss dunbar exclaiming) gomez: let's fly away together, to the black forest. e's been there. a black forest summer, winter, autumn, spring... fester, can't you see i'm busy? gomez, how could you? it's easy. watch. i don't know about you, but i come from a long line of stool pigeons.

morticia, i don't know how to tell you this, but your husband's a fake. my husband, gomez? you got another? he's playing footsies with another woman. and when i say footsies, i don't mean footsies. dear noble gomez. noble? he's just pretending, uncle fester. pretending? then why is he drooling so much? he has to be convincing. (stutters) he sure convinced me. having that woman laying down in his arms like that, with her hair straggling down all over her shoulders and her eyes afire and her cheeks aflame... you saw all that? yeah, and i only caught a glance. i do believe dear gomez has built up that woman's ego sufficiently. uncle fester, you better go tell him. don't worry, i know what to tell him.

we don't want to offend miss dunbar. just tell gomez i said, "don't. stop." "don't. stop." he'll understand. you know me. old dependable. i just adore finger-painting. but, mr. addams, your wife. what wife? nobody must be allowed to intrude on our ecstasy. i can't look. gomez, i've always loved you as a nephew. why not? i'm your uncle. but you're not yourself, gomez.

hard and cold. but if you won't listen to me, perhaps you will listen to morticia. i should have put out the "don't disturb" sign. there you are. sorry. the black forest is indescribable. let me tell you about it. (whispering) morticia says, "don't stop." don't stop? thanks. what was i saying before we were interrupted? oh, yes. i was saying that nobody must be allowed to interrupt. morticia! morticia, we've lost him. he didn't stop? didn't even break stride. oh, dear.

mr. addams... hush, my darling. ivy-covered cottage beside a lovely swamp. but, mr. addams... hush, my darling. we can find our own little secluded hideaway, far from everyone, where the magic stillness of the night is broken only by the merry buzzing of the tsetse fly. but, mr. addams... yes, my darling. what is it? you're breaking my back. gomez. excuse me. ink? i think it's dreadful. well, i was doing a lot better until her back gave out. i'll show you what i mean. gomez, what's gotten into you? you're acting disgracefully. i am? yes, you are. it's as though you don't care at all. it's as bad as that? it most certainly is! if you'd only make some effort... just watch me. i'll show you what the man you married is really like.

her, our magical moments, gone, (glass shattering) broken, smashed to bits. pardon me. good god, morticia, what a performance! worthy of a sarah bernhardt, a greta garbo, a mamie van doren. oh, gomez, why? why? why? why not? why not? why not? (whispering) how was that? my heart belongs to what's-her-name! please, gomez, please, dear, think of all of our happy moments together. a sham! where were we? mr. addams... hush, my darling. can't you see it's all over between us? gomez, i'm leaving this house and taking the children with me. go ahead and leave! mr. addams... hush, my darling. take the children. take the neighbors' children. take uncle fester. take mama. she's your mama. very well, we'll share custody.

c'est terrible. mr. addams. there you are. adieu, mon bubele. yes, of course. (foghorn sounding) it will be you and me. mr. jennings. miss dunbar. sir, if you're a jealous husband or boyfriend,

an april fool joke in october? i like to get an early start. my glasses. where are my glasses? where did you drop them, miss dunbar? i didn't drop them, they just flew off. flew... why, isobel, you have beautiful eyes. sir, you are leading this poor, lovesick girl on, and i just want to say, good luck. querida, i was just carrying out your instructions. but i pleaded with you to stop. i thought you were acting. believe me, cara mia, when you spoke to me in french, it was all i could do to restrain myself. what was it you said? c'est terrible. speak some more french. bon appetit. bon matin! ce soir!

it must have been torture for you, making love to that strange woman all the time, while you were longing for me, and i made you do it. oh, can you ever forgive me, darling, can you? yes, if you get me a pulmotor. of course, dear, for christmas. but i...

oh, dear. i ruined your newspaper. think nothing of it. it's last week's. that's very sensible, dear. i understand they're much cheaper. much. (alarm sounding) oh, the mail is in. (box creaking) thank you, thing. oh, it's from dear miss dunbar. (chuckles) did she get over me? completely. she did? pugsley, where are you going? to mail a letter. oh, to who? my new teacher.

cara.

(fingers snapping rhythmically) ? they're creepy and they're kooky ? mysterious and spooky ? they're altogether ooky ? the addams family ? the house is a museum ? they really are a scream ? the addams family man: neat. sweet. petite. ? so get a witch's shawl on ? a broomstick you can crawl on ? we're gonna pay a call on