tv Face the Nation CBS November 13, 2016 10:30am-11:30am EST
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(fingers snapping rhythmically) ? they're creepy and they're kooky ? mysterious and spooky ? they're altogether ooky ? the addams family ? the house is a museum ? they really are a scream ? the addams family man: neat. sweet. petite. ? so get a witch's shawl on ? a broomstick you can crawl on ? we're gonna pay a call on
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ah. thank you, thing. did i hear the mail? well, it's probably just the usual stock dividends, i suppose. or another refund from the treasury department. gomez, darling, it's the tax bill on this house. ole! bully! how much are they asking for? well, let's see. after the municipal fund, the sinking fund, the land improvements, it comes to a grand total of $84! $84! on this gem of a house? why, that's an insult. see for yourself. querida. the simple case of a displaced decimal. it should read $8,400. more likely $84,000. it shouldn't be a penny less for such a magnificent mansion as this. now, darling, you go right back to your zen-yogi.
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why, thank you, thing. hello, tax department? this is mrs. addams. yes, there's been a rather amusing typographical error on our tax bill. $84. oh, thank you. they realize there's been an error. they're checking it out now. oh, yes. and what is the revised? $8.40? hello, there. now, see here! hello? hello? hello? $8.40. the insult supreme. you're not going to take that lying down, are you? lying down? certainly not. i'm going to stand right here and do a little thinking.
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quick, your honor, it's that addams family. they've been here twice. i'll stall them until you can duck down the fire escape. cut out the melodramatics, clyde. they're our voters, aren't they? well, anything is possible. and there is an election coming up. now, show them in. friendly. friendly to the addams family? and they're taxpayers, aren't they? if you say so. mr. and mrs. addams coming up, sir. psst! mrs. addams, mr. addams, do forgive the delay. please sit down.
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thank you, mr. mayor. darling, show his honor that ridiculous tax bill on our house. here you are, sir. ridiculous. it is out. just a moment. you never even looked at it. well, i didn't have to. i've looked at your house. we'll cut it in half. the house? no, no, dear lady. the tax bill. a-a-as a matter of fact, we'll cancel it altogether. or, to be really fair, we'll send you a rebate. great scott, look at the time! i'm going to be late for that cornerstone ceremony. do forgive me, do forgive me. goodbye. clyde! incompetence in office. the bane of our existence. to think that in the last election i voted for that unmitigated scoundrel. not only that, darling, you voted for him twice. well, i cast my first vote so early it slipped my mind. somewhere, someplace there must be a politician
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but who? i don't know who. but if i find him, he's going to get some mighty strong support in this coming election. now, darling, put your hand up like this and repeat after me. if i'm elected, ladies and gentlemen... if i'm elected, ladies and gentlemen... let's face it. today you can't be elected without a political machine behind you.
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ster? there. your old friend wizzo. the best machine a man can have behind him. come along, dear. say something to wizzo, darling. go on, anything. anything? yeah, make a little speech. all right. (clears throat) ladies and gentlemen. by george, that's a first-rate political machine, all right. it's been programmed for instant politics. would you like a smoke-filled room? it also answers political questions. all right, here's a political question. how did a nincompoop like henson ever get elected in the first place?
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"mayor henson got elected by conniving, wheeling and dealing "and lots of razzle-dazzle." querida. i wish the whole world could have heard that. it will, gomez, it will. and now, wizzo, how can a fine, upstanding citizen like gomez addams defeat mayor henson? "a fine, upstanding citizen like gomez addams can defeat mayor henson "by even more conniving, wheeling, dealing and razzle-dazzle." i'm afraid there's still a few bugs left in wizzo. (wizzo groaning) fix it, uncle fester. you're not going to let a little thing like that stop you, are you, bubele? bubele. tish... when you say that word...
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if the enlightened citizens, my fair constituents of this glorious community do me the honor of electing me your mayor, i promise that... (whirring) (dinging) and rest assured, ladies and gentlemen, (typewriter clacking) that the addams campaign will remain dignified, on a high level and completely free from the scurrilous tactics of my conniving, double-dealing scoundrel of an opponent. three high-level copies of that speech, thing, when you get around to it. thank you, thing.
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"conniving, scurrilous..." excellent. excellent work, thing. gomez, darling. yes, my dear. it's time for your baby-kissing practice session. cara mia. where would my campaign be without your firm hand on the tiller of the good ship addams? let's get started, dear. right. yes, yes. (foghorn sounding) oh, mr. addams. yes. both my baby and i did so love your speech. we're both going to vote for you. thank you, madam. and thank you, my manly little fellow. or girl, as the case may be. (cooing) that perfume you're wearing. oh, sir. mr. addams. gomez! it's the only way to run a campaign. the press. i'm brown from the sun. well, you certainly look it. well, obviously you're here to question me about my campaign. fire away.
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no comment? that's off the record. dear, i believe the young man wants to know what position you take. my position? well, i grasp the club firmly, put the weight on my right foot and wham! no, no, dear. he wants you to make a statement. ah, very well. look to the record. i'll make it easier for you. very well. how do you feel about slums? oh, preserving our historical landmark is his first consideration. start out picking on slums, you wind up doing away with swamps. do away with swamps where are the children going to play? vicious cycle. you see. if you say so. oh, one last question. yes, indeed. how are you coming along collecting those 5,000 names that you need to get on the ballot? at this very moment, two top members of my staff are busily... ah, here they are now. back so soon. and why not? in two hours of tramping around we got more than 20,000 names. and a lot of blisters.
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and the african tsetse fly. sounds kind of nutty, doesn't he? nutty? nutty like a fox. it's a rib. don't you get it? sure. he's teeing off with these politicians that make promises they know they're never going to keep. i'm voting for the addams guy. same here. how about you? i'm going to the nearest bar and get smashed. i can't believe it! here are the actual figures, sir. lling out in front of you. but what do you suggest? a debate on tv. a debate on tv? addams is a kook. get him on the air and prove it. look, we'll have the studio audience loaded with ringers, stacked questions. booing in all the right places. of all the mean, low-down conniving tricks... well, what are you standing there for? go and arrange it.
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a-ha! fortune cookie. don't look now but there's a telephone call for you. ah, thank you, thing. hello? good morning, mayor. a debate? i'd love to. how's this for a theme? "resolved that boys and girls should not go steady until..." oh, the political issues. isn't that a bit extreme? very well, we'll do it your way. fine. i'll see you then. morticia. you called? cara mia. the mayor and i are going to debate on television. oh, darling, do you think you should? why not? some television producer might see me. open up a whole new career for me. oh, by the way, the mayor is coming over tomorrow morning to issue a formal challenge.
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me, weasel out? that's not a bad idea. darling, television has been the waterloo of many an aspiring candidate. but don't you worry, we'll have you perfectly rehearsed and ready. querida mia. counselor in my despair, shining beacon in my darkest moments. maybe it will be better to weasel out. no, the addams family honor is at stake. the very words of lafayette addams. when he challenged the duke of burgundy to a duel? just before he skipped out of town. now, darling, i want the public to see the real gomez addams. oh, very well. no, i don't think that's quite good for your public image. hang from the chandelier? just smile, dear.
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how about this? no, that's no good. like this? no, that's no good, either. morticia, how's this? this is his best side. no, i believe facing the camera is a bit more customary. well, i can bring the camera around here. no, dear, let's try that. by george, morticia, you are a resourceful director. now, we need a little makeup. makeup. oh, uncle fester, you only got one side. oh. that lafayette addams was no fool. darling, the minute you get on the air,
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it makes you look so impressive. yes, that's it. and i'll insist that the camera zoom in for a big head close-up. yes, my dear. let's try it, yes. now, stare. that's it. close-up. that was just a wee bit too close. but you're getting it, darling. i've gotten it. gomez, i was just going to test my new guillotine. would you like... fester, don't you know i'm going to debate the mayor? can't you see i'm wrestling with major issues? major who? labor, foreign policies, social security. yeah, what do you think should be done about them? that's what i was going to ask you.
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and distractions. uncle fester, i want you to taste my new recipe. braised lion loins. say, that is tasty. something is the matter with gomez. he doesn't even want to play with my guillotine. he has been acting strangely. i'd better give this my personal attention. fourscore and nine years ago... no. fourscore and ten years ago... that doesn't sound right, either. oh, bubele. good morning, my dear. gomez, darling, i called you bubele. the world will little note, nor long remember... no. gomez, dear, would you like a little snack, some pate de foie gras? crepes suzettes? gomez?
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friends, romans, countrymen... that's it! oh, morticia, what happened? it's even worse than you thought. it all started when he began running for mayor. oh, dear, sweet, kind gomez. i've turned him into a frankenstein. there is a resemblance. i can't interfere now. oh, yes, i can. i forced him into this race and i'll force him out for his own good. how? you can count on me. me, too. oh, dear, sweet thing. not only do i accept the challenge of a television debate, but i refuse to sink to the level of this corrupt old windbag and engage in any name-calling. a-ha, mama! i'm sorry i can't stick around, son, but i'll never get these office floors scrubbed
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well, i'm off to my job. job? i didn't even know you had a mop. just one moment, madam. did i understand you to say that gomez addams is your son? sure, has been for years. oh, thank you. if you bring it back i'll autograph it for you. well, gentlemen, did you hear that? and this is the man who asks you to elect him to the high office of mayor of our fair city. t old, grey-haired mother of his to scrub office floors. what do you have to say to that, sir? there's a perfectly simple explanation. i just can't think of it. meaning, of course, that you are not going to help. of course i'm going to help her. i'm going to get her a new mop. that old one did look pretty scruffy. (gun firing) gomez, i just had to see you!
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say, i like your new outfit. who's your tailor? oh, never mind that. i just wanted you to know you'd get my vote if i had one. (gun firing) they'll never take me alive. who was that? oh, that's uncle fester, the family beau brummell. off to the races, from the looks of the outfit he was wearing. morticia: i'm leaving that beast and no one can stop me. cara mia, what happened? what happened? hat happened, you wife-beater. and you gentlemen of the press, if you know your job, you'll splatter this all over the front pages. and as for you, when the public finds out what a vile fiend you really are it'll be curtains for you. the end. fini. tish, that's french. and when they find out that you're also a scoundrel and a cardsharp and a vain,
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and a vote for gomez addams is a vote for clean government! well, gentlemen, i hope you will give this story the treatment it deserves. we will. and it'll be a landslide. well, thank you. an addams landslide. addams landslide? get with it, mayor. this is the absolute tops in satire on dirty politics, mud-slinging and character assassination. getting my vote. (whispers) what'll i do? concede. what? you're all washed-up anyway. there'll be other elections and the crowd loves a good loser. a new political star has risen. gentlemen, i give you his honor, gomez addams.
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not now, uncle fester. please, dear. what were you saying? well, the people have spoken when they first rushed to sign that original petition. that's silly. what's silly? well, where we got those names from, no one was rushing or speaking. uncle fester, where did you get those names? the happy rest cemetery. right off the headstones. cemetery? yeah. better luck next time. oh, gomez, darling, i'm dreadfully sorry. i feel personally responsible for all of this. can you ever forgive me? i doubt it. bubele. bubele. so help me, if i live to be a thousand,
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(audience laughter) - well hello, dear. (audience laughter) i know, i'm dying. - hey, peter, that's great man. it almost looks real. - why are you copying doors for? - what have you got against doors? - well my head. - he's got hit right in the head man and that's the stone drag. - look peter, if you want to go and copy something, why don't you go to the art museum. then you can get inspired by the great painters. (slow music) (audience laughter)
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re you doing here? - i come here to be inspired by the great painters. - i'll give you an inspired. - why do you use your hands? i told you notta use your hands. forgive this indiscretion. did you draw this picture? - yes i did. - you're a very talented boy. - thank you, i play bass too. - an artist and a musician. - we should kill 'em both. - what do you think this is, a pool room? you gotta work with finesse. - oh. you want i should poison him. - no restraint. show some restraint. i want to steal this panting. - [tall guard] uh... - i think we can use this boy. - ah. - now, here was a classical painting worthy of your talent. why don't you paint something like this? - [peter] you're right. (audience laughter) (comical music)
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? walking down the street. ? we get the funniest looks from ? every one we meet. ? hey, hey, we're the monkees ? and people say we monkey around. ? but we're too busy singing ? to put anybody down. ? we're just trying to be friendly, ? we're the young generation, ? and we've got something to say. ? hey, hey, we're the monkees ? you never know where we'll be found ? so you better get ready
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(audience laughter) - boss, i don't get it. - that's why i'm the brains of this outfit and you're the muscle. we're gonna use his copy of the painting, then we make a switch. - and then what do we do? - then we sell the painting and make a fortune. - and then what do we do? - then we buy tickets to europe. - hey, that's expensive. - you wanna save money? i'll get you deported. i wonder where peter is. wow, i hope i didn't insult him. - well you know, to insult somebody, they have to understand ya. - oh yeah, that's true. - well he should be here any minute. - voila! that's french. it's finished. - beautiful, beautiful. what's with the hat? the hat's not needed. - it's mike's hat. it's knitted. - i know it's knitted, but it's not needed. - how'd you know it was knitted? - i can tell it's knitted, but it's not needed.
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- shut up. - let me belt him one, a little one. - this time, i'm thinking about it. hey the curator's coming, let's hide him in the basement. - [mike] what are we doing eating breakfast with mr. schneider? - well peter wasn't here and we got lonely. - peter's not... you mean he's not back from the museum yet? - maybe he's in trouble. - (chuckling) how much trouble can you get in a museum? - he's in trouble. - he's in trouble. - what's the matter this time? l you have to do is copy a little painting. - i just don't feel it. - hey a duce, i can a make him feel it. - hey, hey, hey, easy, easy. leonardo da vinci couldn't be rushed, you know. - maybe if you told me something about the painting. - well this guy, he's a classy guy. he's a guy what have a lot of class, have a lot of money. the guy's a good dresser you see. with ruffles, with style. this guy gotta lot of style. with a big hat, get all the girls, you understand?
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- he must be somewhere in this building. - hey, why don't we check the studio? - that's a good idea. you check studio 1, i'll check studio 2, and you check studio 3. - ok. - ok. - [davy] excuse me, excuse me. - [mike] can i get through here? (talking over each other) - [davy] studio 2 is... (audience laughter) - there, it's finished. - it's finished! - yup, wait, no wait, wait. there's one little spot. that's fantastic. - [micky] well at least... - [mike] hold it. - [micky] for what. ? - why don't i look i look in studio 1. you look in studio 3. and davy you look in studio 2. - [micky] right, ok, right. - i'm going upstairs to look around. when he's finished, you entertain him, ya. - you know that's a very interesting pose. i'd like to work on you when i'm done here. - i'd like to work on you too. - you would? - excuse me, but i want to-- - you want what? to be an artist? (chuckling) you could never be an artist.
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a waste! a true artist must feel the painting in the canvas. in his soul! (audience laughter) - have you seen a... have you seen a guy who's blonde and has blue eyes and he's kinda weird looking. - weird looking? who are you to call someone weird looking? you come in here and insult me. is it because i'm a high school dropout, hmm? get out. get out of here! (micky whimpering) wait a minute. that'll be $1,500. - (stammering) what for? - for my painting on your shirt. (micky whimpering) (upbeat latin music) - everything is ok upstairs. is it finished? - yes, it's finished. - now boss? now! (phone ringing) hello? - [voiceover] is this the guard? - that's right. - well this is the curator. the warning bell has sounded for closing up here and you should be here right now. - we be right up. - now boss? - business before pleasure.
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from now on please try to be more punctual. basement. when the joint's closed, we finish the kid off. - well, i looked everywhere. he's just not any place around. - did you check the basement? - ah, nobody but a fool would paint in the basement. - he's in the basement. (audience laughter) - keep a suffering. (mumbling) - raise the left corner a little bit. now that's too much. raise the right one a bit.
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- hey pete, no glass. (peter mumbling) - peter? - [micky] hey pete? - [davy] peter? - [mike] have you seen pete? (peter mumbling) - [davy] peter? look, there's a mummy. - hey, there's son of mummy. - oh. - oh hi pete. - peter, peter? what are you doing out here tied up with a gag in your mouth? (mumbling) what are you doing here tied up with a gag in your mouth? - suffering for my art. - [davy] oh, isn't that nice. - that's a beautiful copy peter. - the man who painted that was brilliant. - [all together] that means they've switched the paintings. (ominous music) john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick.
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- we better tell him about the painting. - uh, pardon me mr. curator. - please, the museum's closed. you have to leave. - [micky] but we can't leave, we have to... - [mike] guard, guard, guard... - [peter] hey mike, mike. - uh, pardon me, you don't know me, but i'm, oh well look, the paintings that you have here have been switched. you know, somebody stole 'em. - mike? - i mean stealed them. - mike, that's one of the thieves. - oh. - i mean thieven. i mean...
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- uhm, listen-- - you still here? - uh, yeah. - go away! - hey there, guard old buddy, listen there's an evil-- - hey micky, that's the other thief. - you copped out on us kid. coulda made you real great. - mr. curator, excuse me sir. - again! what do you want? - listen, that painting over there is fake. and this one's... (talking over each other) - [curator] a fake? oh nonsense, nonsense. please... - [mike] it's not nonsense. no, there are the famous franz hals brush strokes. influenced by the venetian period. oh nobody can emulate those. - [mike] wait a minute, you know, there's been a robbery there. - a robbery?! ridiculous! - [mike] no it's not. - there are too many safe guards. during the day two guards protect it. and at night, i personally turn on the alarm. now the painting is surrounded with invisible beams. only with special glasses can you see them. - that's peachy. what do they do?
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they will taken to jail in five seconds. five! (chuckling) observe. (alarms bells ringing) my own full security! no one can steal from my prison! no one! (police sirens) get me my lawyer! get me my... (whimpering and sobbing) he's crumbling. - caught like a rat in his own trap. - we've got to do something quick. - what we need to do is to sneak into the museum tonight and switch the paintings. - that curator saw us and he's going to think we're guilty. - equipment. - [micky] flash light. blow torch. super duper x-ray glasses. and three cheese on rye sandwiches. - ok men.
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- [davy] peter, steady. - [mike] right here. oh oh. - [micky] guys, you're supposed to get out of the way. (talking over each other) - [micky] (meowing) come on, cat burglar vibe. whoa. . there it is. (micky meowing) - [mike] shh. - [davy] that's the picture. the glasses... - [mike] ok. i'm going to put the glasses on. no, you put the glasses on. - what do i do? - [mike] look at the invisible beams. can you see the invisible beams? - yeah, yeah. - groovy! where are they? - where's, where's the beams? - what are you doing? - right, where are they? - [micky] no, over here. - oh, here they are.
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- hey mike, mike, i can't see anything. - well of course not, dummy. it's not any good for anything, except an invisible ray. - well, well, show me where the invisible ray is. (thuds from falling items) (startled screams) shh. - it's right over here. - oh, oh i can see it. - [mike] see the invisible-- nah, that's peter. - [davy] no, no, i can see it. (micky meowing) slide it down. - [micky] easy, easy. - [peter] careful, watch it. shh. ok, it's coming though mike. - [mike] ok, ok. - [davy] easy. steady, steady, steady, steady. - [mike] oh, steady. oh, steady. beautiful. - get the other painting. - get to the paining. - [mike] get the other painting. - i forgot it. - he forgot it. - he forgot it. - where is it? - where is it? - where is it? - it's up on the roof. - it's up on the roof. - it's up on the roof. - well go get it!
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[mike] why did ya, why did ya, why did ya stop? why? - we have traffic coming the other way. - don't they know this is a one way rope ladder? - i don't think so. - who is this? what is this person? this is our ladder sir. we were going to escape. oh, hi. well hello. how're you doing? - [mike] oh hi. (meowing) - [duce] going somewhere gentlemen? - well actually, we sorta had our hearts set on escaping. ful lady and she's mine all mine ? and there doesn't seem a way ? that she won't come and lose my mind ? it's too easy humming songs to a girl in a yellow dress ? it's been a long time since the party
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ing stately on the floor ? there are birds out on the sidewalk ? and a valet at the door ? he reminds me of a penguin ? with few and plastered hair ? there's talcum powder on the letter ? and the birthday boy is there ? why don't you cut your hair ? why don't you live up there ? why don't you do what i do, see what i feel when i care ? and the seats are naugahide ? i've been waiting for an hour ? i can't find a place to hide ? the being known as wondergirl is speaking, i believe ? it's not easy trying to tell her ? that i shortly have to leave ? why don't you be like me ? why don't you stop and see ? why don't you hate who i hate
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(baby cries) - [peter] isn't he cute? - [man] psst, psst! hey, kid, over here! hey kid, come here. want to see some real good pictures? - oh, hey, yeah, i'd love to. i haven't seen a good picture since carnival in costa rica with dick haymes and vera-ellen. - [man] not that kind of picture, dumdum. this kind. - oh, hey. boy, i'll say. these are really something. - the little one is my wife's from a previous marriage. - you certainly have a very nice family. - glad you like them. kid, come here. want to make a neat buy? - well, it depends on the buy. - the entire city of san diego. i have a good deal on it. - gee, i don't know mr ... - leonard. leonard sheldon's the name and big business is the game. - parcheesi is my game. - want to buy a map of blackbeard's treasure? - gee, i don't have any money.
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