the babysitter said 10:00, louise, but she's usually a little late, so why don't we make it 10:30? darrin: sam, where's my houndstooth sport coat? oh, yeah. sure. fine, i'll tell him. my houndstooth sport coat-- louise and i are going shopping this morning. fine. honey, where's my houndstooth -- larry's car broke down, so she's gonna drop him at the office and pick me up on the way back. sweetheart, i'm late for work, and i haven't got time to listen to an itinerary of where you and louise are going. now, have you seen my houndstooth sport coat? which one is that? the tweedy one... with black and orange checks? why don't you wear the brown one? it's much nicer. i want to wear the houndstooth, and i can't find it! now, have you seen it or not?! you're shouting. do you know where it is or not? um... i, uh... gave it away. you gave it away? darrin, stop saying "you gave it away"

coat must have been 10 years old. 15! that's just the point! it has tradition and character. and patches on the sleeves and moth holes and a tear in the pocket. who'd you give it to? the thrift shop. maybe they still have it. darrin, that was a month ago. darrin? don't you think you ought to put on a coat? you're not wearing one. [ ding! ] thank you. i would appreciate it if you didn't touch my clothes. [ ding! ]

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i know, i know i shouldn't have lost my temper. how could she do such a thing?! take it easy, darrin. relax and start from the beginning. why don't you have a seat? no, no, not there. on the couch. it's easier to talk when you're reclining. where did you do your residency, doctor? now, look, buddy boy, let's not try to get funny, hmm? it just so happens i have much more experience in these matters than you have. firstly, i've been married longer.

for several months. psychiatrist, so that's how you come by your couch-side manner. oh, come on, darrin. this is serious. dr. kramer's changed our lives, and he specializes in exactly your problem. i don't have any problem. i just don't have a houndstooth sport coat. the coat isn't important. not important? that was my favorite coat. what matters is that it caused you and sam to have a fight. now, dr. kramer's specialty is teaching married couples how to fight. to dr. kramer's theory, there are three kinds of fights -- the amphigoric, the semiamphigoric, and the centripetal. what type is my houndstooth sport coat? to you, it was just -- just an ugly old coat, right? right. well, what we have to determine is what did that houndstooth sport jacket represent to darrin? bad taste? too simple! according to dr. kramer,

shows the condition of the entire relationship. how does darrin like to see you dress? oh, bright colors, chic lines. good. good, good, good. that means he still thinks of you romantically... as a lover. well, i hope so. because if he liked for you to wear drab clothes -- you know, dull colors and those sensible shoes -- well, that would mean he was just beginning to take you for granted. that sounds logical. but what about the houndstooth jacket? why was i wrong to get rid of it? oh, now, that's the other side of the coin. to darrin, that jacket must have represented his desire to be attractive and alluring to you. and by giving it away, why, you indicated you were just taking him for granted. [ gasps ] oh! dr. kramer doesn't help you solve problems. he just shows you how to analyze them.

well, conservative clothes -- dark suits, quiet colors. exactly. married clothes. and you come along with a sport coat with black and orange checks. [ both laugh ] now, if she really liked that coat, you'd be in real trouble. yeah. why? because it would indicate that she's not completely satisfied with married life. herself. you see? your argument turned out to be amphigoric after all. she was just showing you how much she loved you by giving away that coat. larry, i have to admit that dr. kramer seems to really know his stuff. you know what i'm gonna do? i'm going to go out and buy a present at lunch to show sam how wrong i was. good idea. you're showing great psychological insight.

present to his wife expresses exactly how he feels about her. well, i guess i'd better go put some more pennies in the parking meter. you sure this is it? oh, yes. i remember it quite well. we dyed it as soon as it came in. why did you dye it? well, if you're buying secondhand clothes, you don't want to stand out in a crowd like a neon light. oh, all right. i'll take it. how much? $5. is that all? believe me, it's more than we ever expected to get. thank you. thank you. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] yech. this is ever so chic. sophia loren wears one very much like it in her latest picture. was she married or single in the picture?

let me show it to you in hot pink. it's a knockout. larry: just remember, darrin, when you buy that gift for sam, a husband's present to his wife expresses exactly what he feels about her. but be careful. in sam's mind, sensible, conservative clothes equal happiness and security. frilly clothes and exotic colors equal jealousy and dissatisfaction with married life. th sport coat. [ sighs ] you see, in hot pink it absolutely exudes romance, gaiety, mystery. have you got anything that exudes a little less gaiety and mystery and a little more security and contentment? but sir, you asked to see negligees not flannel pajamas. maybe a bathrobe instead of a negligee. something comfortable. sam, about this morning,

little present. oh, isn't that a coincidence? it just so happens i got a little something for you, too. oh, you shouldn't have done that. it was my fault. oh, now, shh, shh. just open it. okay. oh, i love to get presents. so do i. my houndstooth sport jacket. oh, darrin! it's... lovely. it was, um, very considerate of you to get this for me when i know how much you hate it. oh, i don't hate it. i love it. i just thought i hated it. now i know it's just the kind of thing i want you to wear. um, aren't you gonna try on your robe? no. no, i think i'll wait a couple of decades.

to find a present that would express exactly how i feel about our marriage. and you bought me a prison gown! oh! and what does this express? i'll tell you what this expresses! a woman who's disappointed in married life, a woman who wishes she was gay, carefree, and single again! darrin, i'll have you know that i spent almost the whole day looking for a coat like that. then i went back to the thrift shop. well, they'd dyed it, and i had to twitch it back you twitched it back! that's more proof! more proof of what? that you wish you were single again. that's ridiculous. i thought you honestly wished to give up witchcraft. i really did. i thought you wanted to be a normal housewife. well, this shows me how wrong i was. you really wish that you were a single, carefree, full-time witch again! well, i'd rather be a witch than a convict. [ sputtering ]

there is nothing more to discuss. darrin?

don't twitch. d-don't twitch! no, don't twitch! darrin? please don't twitch. darrin! darrin! no! no! wait! it's okay, old buddy. i'm not twitching. oh, uh, hi, larry. you been here all night? oh, was i wrong. was i ever wrong! sam and i had one of the worst fights we ever had. wow. you two certainly aren't ready to handle a centripetal kind of fight. darrin, you need expert advice. oh, larry -- uh, no, larry. as of now, the doctor-patient relationship between you and me is definitely over. oh, not me -- dr. kramer. let me call him and arrange for you and sam to see him. she'd never agree, larry. she won't even talk to me, much less a psychiatrist.

e him come over here and pick you up. then you can both go over to your place and see sam. a doctor who makes house calls? he sounds a little old-fashioned to me. don't worry. you'll love him. he's a wizard. wizards i don't need. he bought you this? oh! that's just like duncan. you get tabitha ready, and i'll pack your things. you certainly are not going to stay one minute longer in a house with a man who bought that as a present for his wife. mother, i'm not leaving just because we had a fight, so you can forget it. think i ought to call him at the office and apologize? certainly not! not even mortal housewives do that. louise! louise tate! i'm gonna call louise and get the name of that psychiatrist. he's the one that started the whole thing in the first place. psychiatrist? oh, samantha, you wouldn't! they're anti-witch!

but they work at it. they think we're figments of people's imagination. tabitha: mommy. oh, dear. there's tabitha. would you see if she's all right while i make the phone call? [ ding! ] [ ding! ] yes, hello, darling. how's grandmama's little witchlet, huh? i'll wager you're hungry. grandmama's going to get you a bottle. [ ding! ] there. use your own power, tabitha. [ tinkles ] there! that's a girl! that's a girl! oh, you were hungry. oh, a psychiatrist! my own daughter! where did i go wrong? well, i always say, if you need a professional, get the best.

do for me just what i bid. [ ding! ] dr. freud, i presume. [ german accent ] how do you do? won't you please step into my off-- off-- madame, these surroundings are unfamiliar to me. can you please tell me where i am und how i got here? for your own peace of mind, dr. freud, don't try to analyze it. but this is not my office. and i am not your patient. it's my daughter. ah. little girl. madame, you are very wise. for the first time, someone has called me in time. this is my granddaughter. my daughter is downstairs. follow me.

i feel silly. well, it's customary, but if you prefer, you may remain upright. oh, thank you. quit stalling, samantha. tell dr. freud your problem. i'm a witch. mm-hmm. go on. don't you think that's strange? how long have you been a witch? ever since i was born. i didn't know about it until i was a year old. right, mother? b-but that's not my problem. you think you are a witch, but that is not your problem, huh? no, it's my husband. is he a witch, too? no, he's a mortal, like everyone else. that's his problem. please. you see, it all started when darrin -- that's my husband -- got mad because i gave away his favorite sport jacket.

e attractive and alluring to me, and that i shouldn't have given it away. anyone who finds that jacket attractive and alluring to anyone is showing symptoms of a severely disorganized mind. well, if it doesn't mean that, what does it represent? bad taste. i could've told her that. madam, if your daughter wishes to tell me why she thinks she is a witch, then we will have to go into her dreams, her childhood frustrations, her relations with her mother. mother's a witch, too. yeah. well... that would be significant because it's not a psychological problem. witch or not, you appear to be a sensible woman. sensible women do not fight with their husbands because the husband is partial to disagreeable sport coats.

in the future, when you fight, fight about important things. then you will not have to call upon me. you sure you're a psychiatrist? you'll receive my bill in a few days. he's a psychiatrist. uh, darrin! where have you been? uh, sam, this is dr. matthew kramer. i thought that he might help us. how do you do? mrs. stephens. s? yes, it is, but, uh -- why, it's beautiful! where did you get it? i've been looking for a houndstooth sport jacket like this for years! you see, it is not necessarily a psychiatric symptom. there are many people with bad taste. bad taste? this is a classic sport jacket, and i -- i don't believe i've met you. my name is dr. sigmund -- sigmund! dr. sigmund.

to suggest that i have bad taste? i did not suggest. i merely stated a fact. that is the ugliest sport coat i've ever seen. and in addition, doctor, you broke in on my patient. broke in on your -- mr. stephens, why didn't you tell me that you had consulted another doctor? i, uh -- i didn't know. is this what you call professional ethics? don't you lecture me on professional ethics! i'll have you know that i've been a practicing psychiatrist for a good many years. oh, yes, doctor? well, i was a psychiatrist before there were psychiatrists! i'll bet you were -- phony accent and all! this looks like it's going to be interesting. how dare you insult my accent, you -- you upstart! doctors, please, please! dr. sigmund, i want to tell you something. guys like you give me a pain,

i think you've all got father fixations. father fixations? yes! you take that back! you make me! oh, now, doctors, this is just a silly, uh, a-amphigoric argument. you're not really gonna fight? ha! hold these. there isn't supposed to be any violence. you're supposed to watch out for each other's vulnerable areas. i'll watch out for it! i think this guy's got a glass jaw! sam, do something. what can i do? you might consider moving the furniture, darling. ch other! you mean it? i'll father fixation you. it's guys like you who give the rest of us a bad name! don't argue with me, honey! do it! all right, all right. mother, i'll take the big one. don't forget to make him forget. [ ding! ] where did he go? sorry, doctor. back to the unconscious. [ ding! ]

oh, if you're going to kiss and make up, i'm going to leave. it's nauseating. [ ding! ] darrin? what? i have an idea. what? let's kiss and make up. say, how did he get -- - [narrator] what if you had a medical emergency away from home? can't breathe. - [narrator] what you need is mobilehelp, america's premiere mobile medical alert system. most systems only work at home, but with mobilehelp, you get help outside the home with coverage nationwide on one of the largest cellular networks at the press of a button. - i couldn't dial 911 because i was out of it. i just pushed the button and when i woke up i was in the hospital.

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darrin? darrin: yeah? close your eyes.

[ chuckles ] okay. closed? mm-hmm. can't see a thing. all right. now, stand up. with my eyes closed? mm-hmm. come on. well, okay. keep 'em closed, now. yeah. put your arms behind you. now, other arm. don't peek. i'm not. there. okay? mm-hmm. hey. hey, this is something else! where did you get it? i, uh, exchanged the houndstooth jacket for it. honey, you couldn't have exchanged it. you -- now, why did -- i exchanged the bathrobe, too.

i forgot. mrs. dumont? -- captions by vitac -- ww you shouldn't tempt me, mrs. stephens. i've already had too many. well, just perhaps this one. mmm. they're delicious. more tea? no, thank you. i really must be running. but you know, i'm so glad you've agreed to serve on our ways and means committee. e children really need that new playground equipment in the park. oh, i know. and i'm looking forward to working with mrs. wheeler and mrs. albright. oh, they're both such dears. and you know, they know just how to get into every piggy bank in the community. will you be here tomorrow? no, i'm afraid not, my dear. i've got two other meetings. oh, mrs. dumont.

but i'll try to drop by and see how you're getting along. oh, thank you. well, i'm off to the junior philharmonic meeting. i don't know how i ever got involved in that. i know very little about music. goodbye. hmm. you know, i'll just hate myself in the morning. [ laughs ] thank you. goodbye. bye.

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[ ding! ] good morning, samantha. oh, good morning, mother. what brings you here so early? sheer boredom, darling. is, uh, is what's his name up yet? yes, darrin is up. but i hated to wake him. he had a rather restless night. fair enough. i wish he could forget his work once in a while.

oves feeling sorry for himself. you just don't know darrin. you won't take your wise old mother's word about human men, will you? no. well, you'll learn. i haven't got time for breakfast, honey. hello, uh, uh, uh... darrin! oh. that's right. please, endora, not on an empty stomach. stop it, you two. talk about children. now, darling, five minutes won't make any difference. sit down and have something to eat. i'm too tense anyhow. i'll see you tonight, honey. [ ding! ] [ ding! ]

why not? i'll have that breakfast now. darrin, what happened? nothing. i just got smart. i got outside and i said to myself, "what are you knocking yourself out for? "just how important is it, anyhow? let larry take care of it." well, darling, i'm proud of you. i'm not going in at all today. good. you've been doing a lot of extra work lately. you deserve a day off. it's astonishing how relaxed i feel about it. i have a little shopping to do, and the tv man's coming. [ chuckles ] sorry mother left. that makes one of us. i just wanted her to see that you can relax and forget your work. i'll fix your breakfast. thank you. [ knock on door ] come in. milk. no kidding. i thought you were the mailman.

eh. come on, mr. stephens. be a nice fella. my boss keeps bugging me about my cottage-cheese quota. hmm. that kind, huh? oh, you got no idea the problems your average milkman has. to begin with, i'm dealing with women all day long. one wants mango flavoring in her yogurt. another one keeps complaining that my nonfat milk has too much fat in it. and all the time i'm standing there, she keeps dipping into a five-pound box of chocolates, you hear? [ laughs ] that sounds like a bad scene, all right. [ groans ] [ ding! ] hey, how come you're home today, mr. stephens? simple. i didn't feel like going in today. i like that. he just didn't feel like working today. yeah!

right. sit down. here. here's the sports section. right. now, that's what i call a nice, healthy attitude. mr. stephens was due here for a meeting with me half an hour ago. call his home. yes, sir. [ telephone ringing ] the phone. hello, phone. [ ringing continues ] eh, it's not gonna stop. happiness house. darrin? hello, larry. how are you, buddy boy? are you out of your mind? mr. parkinson is on his way over here. [ snickering ] relax, relax. what?

larry. if he don't want to come in, he don't want to come in. goodbye. [ laughs ] i better get over there and get him before the squirrels do. you know what i enjoy more than anything? just lying around, taking it easy, ome other guy knock himself out. yeah! [ both laugh ] you fellas are a big help! what happened? the cows turn off the faucets today? i detect a note of hostility there. sure, i'm hostile. i deal with nuts all day long, and you fellas are no exception. [ ding! ] [ western plays on television ]

d if i join you? that's the spirit! sit down! be our guest! the way i feel, i may never fix another set. darrin? hi, larry. what is going on here? darrin, you're coming with me to the office right now! [ television turns off ] hey, fella, we happened to be watching that show. what? and ruin my whole day? uh, larry, do you mind taking your high blood pressure someplace else? what? for heaven's sake! you know what's wrong with you, larry? yeah, the people working for me. knock it off, larry. you've got a great bunch of people working for you. like me, for instance. you just take things too seriously, that's all. why don't you just relax, pal? now, just a second. you're not my pal. [ ding! ] pal. larry, you're getting all worked up over nothing.

let's see, now -- parkinson. who's he? [ laughter ] i think you're bluffing. i will raise you another million. larry: okay. there's that million... [ ding! ] ...and i'll up you another million. hello, everybody. oh, hello, mrs. stephens. . hello, darling. throw in a million for me. i call. [ laughs ] i was bluffing. darrin, uh, would you please take these into the kitchen for me? sure. if you can't wait, deal me out. we'll wait. got nothing else to do. how about some sandwiches for us, honey? uh, hold it, smiley. yeah?

all right, but would you mind telling me what's going on? what are larry and the milkman and the tv man doing here? well, you know how i decided not to go to work today? the idea kind of caught on. that's strange. not at all. i have a very important committee meeting this afternoon, so i'll need the living room. would you mind telling the fellas? i will right now. thank you. we'll move the game out to the patio. [ laughter ] [ doorbell rings ] [ doorbell rings ] hello, mrs. stephens. i'm sarah albright, and this is mary wheeler. oh, do come in, and, please, call me samantha. thank you. oh, what a lovely home you have. [ laughter continues ] oh, that -- that's my husband. he took the day off.

oh, you have the table all set up for us. good. we can get right down to work. i can't tell you how much i've been looking forward to this. well, let me warn you. once you get involved, lucille dumont will see to it that you're kept very busy with committee work. i like the feeling of being useful. after all, our little daughter will be using that playground equipment someday. hey, sam, darrin says we need more sandwiches. oh, hi, there, ladies. t. right. look. i've got a very short fuse, and it's burning! but, mr. parkinson -- i'm a very busy man, and my time's worth a lot of money. i'm gonna send mcmann & tate a bill for the half hour i've been waiting, and in another five minutes, i go on double time! i'll try to reach them for you, mr. parkinson. [ telephone ringing ] oh, excuse me. i'll get it, honey. oh, thanks, sweetheart. let's see. hello.

yeah, we're here. darrin: mr. parkinson's there? well, i guess never the twain shall meet. it's parkinson. oh, give him my regards. mm-hmm. sure, i'll talk to him. hello, parky. how are you? larry sends his regards. oh, now, cool it, parkinson. excuse me. but today just isn't the day for a conference. the moon's out of whack or the planets are in the wrong quarter or something. darrin! will you please keep your voice down? oh, sorry, honey. hey, parky, i can't talk to you anymore. you're disturbing my wife's committee meeting. honey, about those sandwiches -- make them yourself. okay. oh, no, never mind. on second thought, just stay out of the house and stay out of my way. but, sam, i can't eat any more of that popcorn. well, i'm sorry, larry, but them's the conditions that prevail.

well, i'd be happy to take the maple heights area. i'm sure i can get other women to volunteer. my goodness. it's usually so quiet around here. pardon me. where are they? who? those two idiots, tate and stephens! well, if you're referring to my husband and his business associate, they are in the back yard. well, they won't be there long! don't let me disturb your meeting. mr. -- uh, that was mr. parkinson. he's a very important client. now, look here, tate! are you still in the advertising business, or are you starting a retirement community? [ laughter ] parkinson, would you mind turning down your p.a. system? my wife's having a very important meeting. this is an outrage! you had a confirmed appointment with me!

some other time. no. no, no. i-i'm sorry. please, let's go on. i chose your agency because i thought you were responsible people! i set aside the whole day for you! well, you're through representing randolph parkinson jr. as of now! [ ding! ] hey! thanks. thanks for the lovely lunch. [ ding! ] [ laughter ] honestly. now, who is the untidy little lady who parked her car half on and half off the curb, hmm? uh, do you happen to be the little lady who likes to live so dangerously? the gentleman is in the back yard. i look forward to meeting him. well, go right on through, officer. everybody else has.

when we spotted this french mademoiselle washing her clothes down by the river. who owns the sedan parked out front? oh, i do, officer. [ paper tears ] thanks. here. take care of this, will you? client relations is your department, darrin. right. ooh! happy new year! just what do you think you're doing? i think you're all crazy. he thinks we're crazy? [ ding! ] [ ding! ] deal me in. [ indistinct conversations ] this is really going to be quite a job. [ doorbell rings ]

oh. mrs. dumont. we were hoping you'd come. well, ladies, how are we coming along? well, we've come to -- [ loud chattering ] good gracious! hey, there's a chicken in here. is it dead? hey, you got any bologna? excuse me. what in the world? hey, you're all out of milk. i got a truck full of it. oh, hi. hi. hi, sweetheart. darrin. you want a sandwich, sam? what? you've got to get rid of all these men. honey, they're just enjoying themselves, forgetting their troubles. well, do they have to forget them in our kitchen? they're ruining my meeting. i'm sorry, honey. i really am. we appreciated the popcorn, but we're hungry. we're growing boys!

popcorn. fellas, fellas, we owe the ladies an apology. we've been ruining their meeting. well, let's all go in there and apologize. [ indistinct conversations ] we'll go and apologize, sweetheart. after you. oh, darrin. darrin! oh! mother. now, i know you're here somewhere. mother, you take the spell off that popcorn! ther! you need $1,000 and you're going to bother people with 75-cent tickets? that's ridiculous! that's the way we've always done it. well, forget it. we'll get you the money, huh? right. ladies, i think it's time we left. no, you don't. you sit right down and we'll show you how it's done. yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

all right, men. line up by the phone. here we go. let's go, larry. speaking for myself, this is just a waste of time. maybe we should reconsider the, uh, composition of this committee. popcorn, ladies, please? ooh, thank you. how nice. mmm! [ ding! ] hello, joe? randolph parkinson. some ladies are raising money for playground equipment in the park. i got you down for $100. good! look, i've seen you spend more than that at the country club bar in an afternoon! $50 you're down for. oh, listen, and put the bite on les, jimmy, and al. well, that's very generous of you, mr. andrews. thank you. thank you very much. we made it. come on, men. there you are, ladies. you'll have over $1,500 sometime tomorrow.

that's wonderful. we're grateful. i must say i've enjoyed sitting here eating this marvelous popcorn. but i'm kind of sorry we shan't need our committee anymore. so am i. thank you very much. well, not at all. not at all.

fresh milk for you. and nonfat. you. all right, mother. come out, come out, wherever you are. [ ding! ] you called me, dear? all right, mother. you've had your jollies for the day. you've had your laugh. now, please, take that spell off. anything to please my little love. women and children first. good. we'll have a party! oh! i'm half an hour late for my next meeting. oh, i have a roast in the oven! i have to pick up bobby.

lovely. goodbye, samantha. [ indistinct conversations ] [ ding! ] tate. tate! now, where are my layouts? fun's fun and all that, but business is business! right, right. you're perfectly right. darrin, what are you doing here? you should be at the office. i'm on my way, larry. will you please get your truck out of my driveway? hey, would you please buy a couple of quarts of cottage cheese from me? stop bugging me! i got a million calls to make! just a moment! little souvenir for ya. huh? oh, thanks. here. darrin, you're client relations. bye, darling.

i hope not. [???] is there any more coffee, jeannie? oh, thank you. master. hm? why do you not work at home today? is this not much nicer than a stuffy, old office? no, it's not a stuffy, old office. besides, roger's gonna be picking me up in a few minutes. we have a conference with general peterson. and i'm taking up a 104 ent on it. now, that's not stuffy. and you find that exciting? it's not supposed to be exciting. well, then why do you do it? 'cause i like it. good morning, major healey. oh, hi, roge. come on out. roge? what's wrong? look, uh, we'd better get over to the office. we have a meeting in, uh, 30 minutes, so, uh... well, you got time for a cup of coffee. very nice.

have you had any other nice wishes today? what's on your mind? there's nothing on my mind. i'll tell you what's on my mind. you know what's on my mind? if i had my own private genie and my best friend wanted to borrow her from me, i'd let him. oh, not again. roger, we've been through all this. jeannie won't do me any harm. oh, of course not. you see? she won't mean to, but that's what will happen, anyway. well, you know that. i don't want to keep her. all i want is three little wishes. two wishes? roger. one teensy-weensy wish? oh, please, may i, master? listen, i'll never ask you another thing in my whole life. just one wish. what have you got to lose? i don't know. i haven't heard the wish yet. all right, go ahead, give him a wish. [giggles] all i want is one-- one--? one wish? you're going to give me a wish? oh!

n in the whole world. oh, am i rich. yachts, chateaus. ah. you wish to be the richest man in the whole world. no! oh, wait a minute. wait a minute. maybe i should look like gregory peck. ah, can you imagine all those girls falling in love with me? ah... gregory peck. wait! wait a minute, wait a minute. with all that money, i don't have to look like gregory peck. with all that money, i should live long enough to spend it. maybe i should wish for a long life. long life. oh, wait! hold your tongue, will ya? you may be talking to the next president of the united states. can you imagine that? the president of the united states. oh, i'm so sorry, tony. oh, i wished i hadn't done that. oh, jeannie, you're wonderful. and i wished i hadn't done that. i wished i hadn't done it? oh, no! [???]

[???]

[hose blowing air] boy, these flies are killing me. whew! get 'em. get 'em, get 'em. hey, hey. will ya? will ya? i'm-- i'm sorry. whew. listen, i wanna... oh. sorry. ok at the grease on that thing. all right, what were you saying? oh, i was just saying that, uh-- i was just saying-- oh, major nelson. hey, look out! roger, what are you doing? oh, i'm so-- i don't understand. i just saw you smear him with that grease, and his uniform is absolutely clean. yes. yes, it is, isn't it? well, how do you explain that, major nelson? well, there's really nothing to explain, sir. i know what i saw.

just put it down. we gotta stop horsing around. [yelps] your blouse won't get dirty. yeah, it must be the experiment we're working on, sir. this is the most incredible thing i've ever seen. and since you've been here, major nelson, i've seen some pretty incredible things. yeah. well, there's nothing to it, sir. it's the simplest thing in the world. how do you do it? it's the x factor, sir. you just, uh, spray this fluid on the material, remarkable. yes. well, if you'll excuse us, we have a briefing. briefing. what do you mean? oh, briefing. roger: briefing. let's don't be late for the briefing. oh, general, i've got to talk to you. is anything wrong? wrong?

oh, captain, would you please see the general isn't disturbed? thank you. general peterson, unless i miss my guess, we'll be showing this to the president of the united states by nightfall. looks like a can of fly spray. it might look like a can of fly spray, sir, but it's probably the most exciting discovery ever made. would you mind standing up? you want me to stand up? please, general. well, uh, what does it do? you'll see, general. you'll see. it has a x factor in it. now, first we spray on the x factor, then we put on... some black grease. just like this.

did you realize we can make anything in the world with this material? we can make suits and dresses and fabrics. there's no limit to what we can do. roger, we're not gonna make anything out of it. oh, but why, master? well, think, jeannie, if this ever got on the market, it could-- well, it could destroy our whole economy. i don't think there'd be a fabric firm in existence. it would affect, uh-- well, tailoring establishments, and, uh, cleaning and-- and clothing manufacturers, and finally, it'd get down to trucks and railroad cars and gasoline. you dirty blouse. let's destroy it before it destroys us. how are you going to destroy it? i'm gonna burn it. here. but i do not think it will burn, master. i wasn't planning on using a match. [???]

there we are. here. you hold it. let's get this thing... there we are. stand back. [doorbell rings] roger: watch that we don't burn the garage down. all right. let's give this a try. there's not a mark on it. i can't believe it. i don't believe it, either. but i-- i just saw it. bellows: you shot that flame at this blouse. tony: yes, i-- i-- yes, i did. you saw it, major healey. well, i... and this blouse is untouched. you said so yourself. did i? yeah. oh, i did. yes. don't think i don't know what you're up to. you're trying to keep this to yourself.

that you used on this, major. the x factor. uh, we just ran out, sir. as a matter of fact, we just ran out right now. what's this? "secret formula." uh-huh. "x factor." this is it. oh, no, sir. that's really not it. it's not-- i'll just take this with me. it's still in the experimental stage. mm, major nelson, i want you to keep yourself available. unless i miss my guess, within 24 hours, we're going to be at the white house. now, keep your eye on the blouse, general. it won't even be touched.

[???] here. let me get it for you. are you moving to another office, sir? you might say that. permanently. i beg your pardon, sir? oh, haven't they told you? cape kennedy. why? because he's found a place where he thinks i might be more useful. i'm going to iceland. sir? to work with the eskimo. why would general peterson do a thing like that? your x factor, major. my what? well, i, uh... i tried to show general peterson how it worked. i destroyed three of his uniforms.

rstand it, but, uh, the x factor seems only to have worked for you, yes? sir, if i knew you were gonna do a thing like that, i would have stopped you. would you? yes. i'm sorry i couldn't have stayed around here long enough to find out what makes you tick. next to me, you're probably the most interesting psychiatric case i've ever come across. next to you, sir? yes. sometimes i think i'm losing my mind. one minute i'm rational and then the next minute-- you do things that-- oh, well. sir, perhaps if i have a word with general peterson myself-- it won't do any good. he's in a very upset state. i, uh-- when i left him, he was bellowing. no, i-- i wouldn't go in there if i were you. uh, sir, perhaps-- oh, i'd appreciate it very much if you'd write to me from time to time and, uh, let me know what you're...

yes, sir. good luck, sir. thank you. [whistles] quartermaster? oh, hi, captain. yeah, this is major healey. mm-hm. look, i was just wondering, how much do we spend a year on uniforms? oh, that much. look, i was just wondering, uh, what would you think about this, uh-- what if i came up with a uniform that if you put grease on it, it wouldn't spot. uh-huh, uh-huh. and you couldn't cut it. i mean, you couldn't tear it or rip it or anything. or, if you put a torch to it, it wouldn't burn. [line clicks] captain? why would i keep dr. bellows here? he's dangerous.

st two years. and believe me, he's a man-- i know what he is. he walked into this office, said we were going to washington, d.c., put some fly spray on me, and he smeared grease all over my uniform. yes, but i-i-- then he came back with a pair of scissors, put some tea on me and started cutting up another uniform. and then he came in, and he set fire to this. kind of scorched it. i-i-i don't suppose it could be patched. t him out of here before i run out of clothes. look what i gotta wear! well, uh, you see, dr. bellows is rather highly-strung, sir. highly-strung? he's snapped. i'm sure if you'd give him another chance, general, he would be-- if i gave him another chance, by next monday i'd be naked. no, sir. let the eskimos worry about him for a while. well, i feel partially responsible for this, general. you see, dr. bellows saw major healey and i conducting an experiment, and he thought we were able to take an ordinary piece of cloth

ny, i admire loyalty in any man. i'm only coming to his defense, sir, because i don't want to see an injustice done. tony, i want to give you a little advice. yes, sir. it's the same advice i'd give you if you were my own son. yes, sir. get out. [???] check. [sighs] [laughs] checkmate. congratulations. oh, thank you, master. is anything wrong?

oh! and this does not please you? no. it does not please me. oh, well, where would you like him to go? i wouldn't like him to go anywhere. jeannie, dr. bellows is being punished for something that was not his fault. and would you like to know whose fault it is? hm, no, i do not think so. one little wish. you grant roger healey one little wish, and we lose dr. bellows. he's a very good man. this base can't afford to lose him. general peterson. he just tossed me out of his office. he-- he toss-- [grunting] now, wait a minute! now, don't, please. not general peterson. i don't need that. no, i really don't need that. well, surely there must be someone above general peterson? yeah. well, there's general burke. that's his immediate superior. but he's at the pentagon. how would i ever explain that to him? oh, do not worry, master. i will explain it. yeah...

oh! [jeannie's voice] good afternoon, airman. yes? ah, it's general patterson. peterson. ah, of course. . general burke sent me. well, i'm very happy to know you, colonel. general burke here? here? no, he'll be down later. he wanted me to tell you how pleased he is with the work you've been doing, general. is he? well, we all try to do our best. we have a good team here, you know. those are the general's exact words. um, may i tell you something in confidence? why, certainly, colonel. the reason the general is coming here is to give a special commendation

well, that's wonderful. who is he? uh, dr. bellows. dr. bellows. uh, general burke says he's been doing a great job. well, where is he, general? well, as a matter of fact, dr. bellows is-- is just leaving on a little trip. he may even be gone by now. general burke is gonna be surprised to hear you could spare him. but i suppose it's just for the weekend. you know, general burke and dr. bellows are old classmates. old classmates. i didn't know that. oh, yes. the world of dr. bellows. he does? yes, they're cousins. they're cousins. first cousins. well, i don't think dr. bellows will be going away on that trip after all. you tell general burke i'd find it hard to get along without him. oh, goody! um, uh, the general will be pleased to hear that. will you excuse me for a moment, colonel?

[laughing] whee! oh, dr. bellows, i-- yes, general? what are you doing? doing? i'm packing. ing? where am i going? you've sent me to siberia-- um, i mean, iceland. do you know the trouble with you, doctor? [chuckling] you're too sensitive. i'm too sensitive? well, you don't really think we could get along around here without you, did ya? but, general, you ordered me to pack my things and get out. [chuckling] oh. and you thought i meant it? didn't you? well, as i was just saying to a friend of your cousin's,

my cousin's? after all, uh, what's a few uniforms? general, you mean i don't have to leave cape kennedy? why, i wouldn't dream of letting ya go. i'll deduct the uniforms from your pay. i don't know what to say. well, don't say anything. and doctor? yes? try to get plenty of rest. i certainly will. oh, and i'm awfully sorry about your uniforms. oh, forget it.

[both laughing] so jeannie came back here, and she called general peterson and told him that general burke would not be able to make it until the later part of the month. oh, that's marvelous. well, i guess the old quack is still with us.

mm. well, you should. you enjoyed getting him into it enough. i did not. you did too. are you finished? huh? yeah. look, jeannie-- i did not. you did too. listen, i know you didn't mean to-- [arguing] wait a minute, will ya? i'm the one that got cheated out of the wish. i didn't get to finish my strawberry shortcake. now, all i want is one wish. what's wrong with that? no, no, roger. just one. i'm not gonna grant... now, wait a minute. please, master, may i, please? now, don't you start on me. she wants to give me-- i've had enough of this. no! ! all right! all right? you mean you're gonna give me one wish? oh, boy! i'm rich. oh, yachts and chateaus. chateaus and yachts. yeah, i got it. wait, no. wait, wait, wait! i'll be a rich movie star, that's it. a movie star. movie star? rich movie star. no, no, no, no! oh, wait. maybe i should be a brain surgeon. brain surgeon. roger, you know, you're the funniest man i've ever met. you know something? you know what i wished when i was a little boy? i-i wished i were the funniest man in the world.

aw. hi, groucho. [???] you did not eat your breakfast, master. oh, no, i didn't have time, jeannie. oh. will you be home for lunch? no, i can't make that either. i have a conference this morning with general peterson and dr. bellows, and then there's some nasa officials coming down oh, that is a shame. i thought we might have lunch at a marvelous little restaurant i know of on the left bank. i wish i could, but-- there's no, uh-- there's no left bank in cocoa beach. well, there is in paris. it is called chez moustache. it is in a quaint little part of town, with a cobblestone street in front and people-- some other day, huh? sorry. ooh. they make a marvelous cheese souffl? there. why don't you go there? oh, i could not do that. it would not be any fun without you, master.

master? mm-hm? do you read french? yeah, a little. i-- i studied it in school. can you read this? hm? oh, sure. tony: uh, "je desire ?tre a paris". oh, that's easy. um, "i wish i were in paris." [squealing] oh, master! [???] i'm sorry. i-i, uh-- monsieur. welcome to paris, master.

yeah, i-i'm terribly sorry. jeannie, i told you, i'm supposed to be at a meeting. oh, please, do not be angry, master. you must eat lunch and this was right on the way. right on the way to where? the eiffel tower? i'm due to be walking into the conference room at nasa headquarters right this minute. oh, that is no problem, master. you are at nasa. mm. huh? now, shall we order the cheese souffl?? where's major nelson? oh, he's always on time, general. he should be here any minute, sir. i'm sorry i'm late, sir. oh, tony. you know everybody. yes. all right, let's all sit down. excuse me. got a long day ahead of us. are--? are you telling me that i'm at the meeting at cape kennedy right now? have i ever deceived you? well, let's not go into that. but i don't understa-- how can i be here and there at the same time?

if you like, we could also be having lunch in rome right now. oh, no. believe me, i'm nervous enough as it is. y-you're sure nothing can go wrong? oh, believe me, master. all that can happen is that you will have a marvelous lunch and then you can go back to work. i'll remember everything that happens at kennedy? well, of course. you are there. i am there. oh, let me explain it to you. you see, you concentrate on a polliwog-- no, please, please. i might understand, don't tell me. really, don't. so phase three will only go off and phase one go off perfectly. dr. bellows. excuse me, sir, but i have a call for you from paris. from paris? for me? yes, sir. they say it's urgent. on line one. thank you. tony: before we commit ourselves to any final steps. tony: here's the next plan. so phase three will take place only if phase one and phase two... dr. bellows here. dr. bellows, this is general rafael.

that major nelson was coming to paris. we would have been happy to have given him a reception. major nelson? he's not going to paris. heh, i did not say he was going to paris, dr. bellows. he is in paris. but that's impossible. he's right here. i'm looking at him. so am i. well, i don't know who you're looking at, but i can assure you that it's not major nelson. well, it's probably someone who resembles him. of course. one who is wearing an american air force uniform, a nasa insignia and an astronaut wings? and he's in paris now? dans le devant my very eyes. bellows: what's he doing? he's eating a cheese souffl?. it looks delicious. general rafael, i wonder if you could do something for me.

and wire me a telephoto? a picture? but--? but why? because obviously one of us is looking at an impostor. [???] tony: and, uh, this system is the responsibility of houston control. would you like another souffl?, master? oh, no jeannie. i couldn't eat another bite. it was just marvelous. why, i knew you would enjoy this. and believe me, you will not get into any trouble. [chuckling] yeah, well, that'll be a change, won't it? uh, no, merci. master, if you are through, i think perhaps we should leave. maybe you're right.

some kind of work, don't i? [laughs] uh, gar?on. monsieur. l'addition, si vous plais. ah, tout suite, monsieur. [clears throat] here it is, sir. it's just come over the wire. let me see it, please. it is major nelson... or his double. operation: galaxy. [???] spies are after information on operation: galaxy? yes, sir, and they're diabolically clever. and you think that someone at cape kennedy is involved. i know it. who is it? that's just it, sir. i'm not sure. because it's either him or his double. i can't believe it's he, so it must be his double.

it would explain everything, and i mean everything. oh, yes, of course it would. is this the first time that you've come across spies, doctor? uh, yes, sir. well, don't you think we need a little proof? oh, don't worry. i'll get all the proof i need. [chuckles] as, uh-- soon as i find out who's who. yes, you do that. uh, thank you, sir. [???] master, did you like that cheese souffl?? i told you i did. it was wonderful. then let us move to paris. move to paris? yes, now. you will love living in paris. what are you talking about? what i--? what would i possibly do in paris? escape. escape from what? oh, master, how do you get yourself into these situations? what are you talking about? bellows: in my office, please. hello, sir. i'd like to, uh, talk to you a minute, major nelson.

yes, sir. i'm after a piece of information. now, we're gonna play a little game. i'm going to ask you some questions, and you are going to answer them. what sort of questions, sir? oh, you'll see. i, uh-- i want you to answer quickly and without thinking. ready? yes, sir. who did sandy koufax pitch for? sandy koufax? quickly, major. oh, uh, the dodgers. oh. what, uh, goes on hot dogs? mustard, uh, relish, uh, sauerkraut-- what was the name of your first flight instructor? dick olson. dick olson. mm. where was president lincoln shot? uh, the ford theater, sir. what was the name of the first grammar school you ever attended? [stammering] horace mann. oh. i'll have some more questions for you later. uh... did you, uh, get the information you wanted to? don't worry, major.

[???] i think i've got a bigger one back there. come this way please, i'll show you. [door closes] lou: you look around back there. whatever you find, bring it in. you. well, if it isn't-- shh. no names, please. i'm sorry. i'm here on a very confidential mission. what can i do for you, doc? i want to buy a listening device. a bug. yes. uh, something that can't be detected. you came to the right place. i think i've got just what the doctor ordered.

this is perfect for you. it's so tiny. yeah, but that-- that's the beauty of it. see, this is a magnetic microphone. stick it on a piece of metal, and-- boom, it stays right there. uh, where are the wires? no wires. you are living in the horse-and-buggy days. see, this mic is tuned to the same frequency as this receiver, and you can listen in on a range of... perfect. i'll take it. i sure hope you catch her. catch her? yeah. that's the way i caught my wife. i'll wrap it up for you.

[???]

oh. [gasps] roger: you want to finish up those charts this afternoon? tony: no, i'd better get home. i have a feeling something's wrong. you mean, uh-- yeah, she popped in here with some wild story

. tony: you have no idea how nervous this whole thing is making me. i haven't had a moment's peace since i-i first got involved. roger: you know what you should do? sit down and have a nice long talk with dr. bellows. tony [laughing]: yeah. oh, yeah, that's-- roger: i'm not kidding. you're so nervous lately. you need a long vacation. no, there isn't any place i could go without being found. well, as long as dr. bellows doesn't find out, i guess you'll be all right. roger: hey, look at that, will ya? [???] do you know what that looks like? s like it might-- a beautiful day. uh, let's take a walk, huh? you kidding? who wants to walk? i just discovered-- that exercise is the best thing in the world for you. roger: i don't want to exercise. i want-- a breath of fresh air. hi. hi. that was a microphone. you mean you knew? that's right. oh, i get it. you don't want whoever's listening to know that you're on to him. that's the idea. give me a dime. that's quick thinking. you could be a secret agent. do you have any idea what this means? no.

ophone in your office? yes, sir. yes, sir. and it was about this big, sir. it was, uh-- i-i know it sounds incredible that anything like this should happen on this base, sir. it doesn't sound as incredible as you think. this is the second espionage report i've had. it is? yes, dr. bellows is on the trail of a spy ring. i think i know how to trap whoever planted that microphone in my office. all right. i'll leave it to you. there's only one thing i'll ask. yes, sir. i want to be in on the kill. [???] now, you remember what you're supposed to do? i don't like this. this could be dangerous. it's our chance to crack an espionage ring. just-- just be natural. yeah, i'm going to be natural. i'm going bowling. well, it's been a very successful day. yes, it has been a very successful day.

w, all we have-- have to do is pass it on. [whispering indistinctly] [whispering] where are we going to meet? roger: where--? where are we going to meet? tony: you know the old warehouse near the beach? yes, i know the old warehouse! it is near the beach. well, uh, we're going to meet there tonight and pass on the information to the chief. yes, that is a good place to pass on the information to the chief. perhaps you'd like to know what time? oh, yes, what time? what time? [quietly] midnight. midnight. the old warehouse. midnight. [squeals nervously] i'll get some flashlights, we'll be on our way. oh, master, i must talk to you. not right now, jeannie. we have something to do.

oh, please do not go out tonight, master. it's all right. general peterson and his men will be there. do you know who they are after, master? no, no, but after tonight, whoever they are will be in jail. oh, dear. jeannie? yeah, it will serve them right. oh. and i cannot talk you out of going, master? not a chance in the world. would you mind moving? i need some lights. then i must go with you. that's not exactly the kind of light i had in mind. please let me go, master. no, i'm afraid-- you must not go alone. this is men's work, you'll stay here, no arguments. please! ooh! great. you take that. please let me go, master. no, jeannie. you must not go alone. i need to be adamant, i must insist. please? no. [sighs] very well, master. good luck. roger: boy, you sure know how to handle her. tony: you just have to be firm.

[foghorn sounding] hey, there's nothing down there. look, dresses. these look pretty good. good enough. let's grab 'em and get out of here. [door creaks] [whispering] somebody. i'll take care of him. [foghorn sounding] thug: psst. somebody else is coming.

they should be there now. yeah, but what are your plans? i'll go in alone and give 'em a chance to jump me. good thinking. if you want me, i'll be in the bowling alley. now, wait two minutes, and then come in after me. are you kidding? there might be a whole mob of guys in there. roger, don't worry. general peterson and his men will be here soon. they'll be covering the place. hey, what time you got? i have 12:02. i've got 12:03. [foghorn sounding] two minutes, remember. yeah. get out of sight. bellows: hold it, major. turn around. [crowbar clangs] who are you? tony: all right, buddy, hold it. i got you covered. dr. bellows? what are you doing here? watch it, major!

all right, that's enough. peterson: get your hands up! take those two men out! roger: hi, fellas. hey! i'm not late, am i? no, it's all over, roge. i'm arresting you for espionage. your insurance company won't replace the full value of your totaled new car. the guy says you picked the wrong insurance plan. no, i picked the wrong insurance company. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, you won't have to worry about replacing your car because you'll get the full value back including depreciation. make the switch to liberty mutual and see why we've been awarded highest in customer satisfaction by

liberty stands with you?.

you're arresting major nelson for espionage? no, general. i am not arresting major nelson. i am arresting this man. who do you think i am? i know who you are. you're major nelson's double. major nelson is being held prisoner somewhere in paris. why, you dirty rat! what have you done with my best friend? roger, it's me! oh, it's him.

and fast. i shall be very happy to, general. i planted a microphone in major nelson's office. you're the one that planted-- he planted the microphone-- yes! you see, i know the real major nelson as well as i know myself. he would never be involved in anything like this. so i heard you making plans to pass on the secret information to your chief tonight, i knew that you were the double. what makes you think there's a double? i have the proof right here. this picture was taken at a sidewalk caf? in paris, yesterday. who do you think it is? peterson: it looks like general de gaulle. no, it's uh... general de gaulle. yes, it's a very good likeness of general de gaulle. peterson: is there anything that you would like to say?

[???] horace. i think we oughta take it. are these the people that are subletting the apartment? yes, that's mr. and mrs. douglas. he's an attorney. do you know him? no, but i'd like to know her. horace! i think we'll take it. well, splendid. but there are a couple of conditions. now, the furniture doesn't go anyplace. ther condition? you must take care of the farm. the farm? would you care to step out into the field? what's that, a watermelon with jaundice? it's a squash. oh! i beg your-- what on earth is this?!