i don't quite understand it. have you read about the computer virus? >> yeah. >> apparently, somebody introduced, into the computer system, a program that has fouled up computers-- military computers, and companies all over the country, and it keeps-- it's like a biological virus. it keeps reproducing the same program and they've gotta go out and clear it before they can use computers. and they call it a virus, computers. crazy world. it's not bad enough for humans, now we gotta put a condom on our macintosh. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it's caused-- they call it the nightmare virus, and apparently, um, they got into "the tonight show" computer. yeah. yeah, fred today-- i'll give ya an idea.

and shelley winters is mowing his lawn. [ laughter ] weird item. no, there was a, um, interesting thing from shelbyville, indiana in the paper today about-- apparently, at the police station there in the police locker, some mice got into the property room and started eating marijuana, which was stashed there for evidence. now, the way they got wise, they went into the locker and one of the mice was swingin' a cat around by the tail, singing "i did it my way." so, anyway, tonight... [ cheers and applause ] tonight, we've got-- tonight on the show-- tonight on the show, mr. james garner, jeff cesario, and park overall. so, stay where you are and we'll be rrright back.

you finally did it-and it was actually easy. who would have thought? you did what dad taught you to do- you took care of business. you made up your mind. got it done. and that's a load off your shoulders. guaranteed acceptance life insurance: simple, affordable coverage for people age 50 to 75. massmutual designed it to help cover expenses all of us leave behind: funeral costs, medical bills, and other debts. how affordable is it? rates can start at less than $10 a month, with your choice of convenient payment options. policies range from $2,000 to $25,000, so you can choose an amount that works with your budget.

your payments are guaranteed to never increase, and your coverage will never decrease- for a lifetime of coverage. and benefits are paid quickly to your beneficiaries when they need them. best of all, with guaranteed acceptance life insurance you cannot be turned down. there are never any medical exams or health questions, at any time. and it's from massmutual- a company that's been putting policyowners first for more than 160 years... ...with financial strength ratings that are among the pany, in any industry. it offers your family help for the future. and gives you peace of mind today. you got the facts...got motivated...made your choice-then you made it happen. you did the right thing. the smart thing. and now, you're ready for almost anything. to learn more, contact massmutual now and ask about this important coverage.

call this number. call now. [ music ] >> we are back. thank you, doc. we have jim garner here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. we have jim garner here tonight, comedian jeff cesario, uh, park overall from, uh-- what's the name of that show that she's on? "empty nest," and, uh, shorty sullivan. um, what, four more days-- >> that's it. >> before the election? how many of you still consider yourselves undecided? [ applause ] okay. well, in "the new york times" today, they ran a piece on each candidate that listed, not the more important issues like, uh, foreign aid and the homeless and the budget and the defense department and all that. they asked them very simple questions. for example, dukakis said that he once had a crush on janet lee.

"the seduction of joe tynan." remember that picture? >> yes. >> was that with, uh, alan alda? george bush's favorite actress of all time was greer garson, and he prefers horseshoes to opera. [ laughter ] the reason we're doing this is maybe these will give you some of the little character qualities that you may want to vote for this man. dukakis says he does a mean tango. bush says he's a lousy dancer. >> mm. >> bush says he likes to listen to "the oakridge boys." >> dukakis prefers jazz. >> yeah! >> yeah. bush says his favorite magazine is the fishing magazine "bass master." [ laughter ] this is his-- what he said. dukakis prefers to curl up with government reports and briefing papers. [ laughter ] yeah, bad sign. [ booing ] they said both candidates have little time for television, but dukakis says he watches "the cosby show" once in a while, and bush admits he used to like

these are from the candidates' own lips, folks. read their lips. um, now, "the new york times" is a little stuffy, you know. we, uh, felt maybe we could get some other magazines that are a little more basic, get right down to... earthy kinds of things. >> what's happening. >> what? >> what's happening. >> that's right. we went down and picked up this month's copy of "politic boy." [ laughter ] it's a men's magazine about the politicians, with a fold out, a centerfold. for example, here's, uh... here's one on georgie this month. [ laughter ] and then it has, you know, it has the turn ons and turn offs like the "playboy" centerfold. it gives the birthdate, june 12th, 1924. uh, measurements, a size 12 flag. [ laughter ] homestate, all of them.

that ol' fashioned fourth of july barbeque on december 7th. [ laughter ] [ applause ] um, favorite sport, pitching horseshoes. what i like most about america, "it's easier to spell "then zimbabwe." [ laughter ] fantasy-- you wouldn't imagine this guy has fantasies. seeing fidel castro recite e in the nude. [ laughter ] favorite way to make love-- they get very intimate here. with me on the right, was the answer. [ laughter ] uh, favorite joke, dan quayle. [ laughter ] here's a "playboy" on michael dukakis, where it says dukakis shows all. and you see, there's the centerfold for michael.

and let's see what it says here. birthdate, november 3rd, 1933. uh, measurements, same as ken doll. [ laughter ] [ applause ] turn ons, taking only nine items through the ten item or less lane. [ laughter ] wildest fantasy, mixing rice crispies in with my corn flakes. [ laughter ] the answer was, "what do you mean by that?" [ laughter ] favorite book, "the one "i'm standing on." [ laughter ] [ applause ] hidden talents, plays trumpet, sang in college chorus, one time dancing partner of anthony quinn. [ laughter ] it was over the greek. [ laughter ] turn offs, restaurants that don't honor

[ laughter ] favorite fantasy-- this is interesting. a grown man. "just before i climb into bed, "i would put the left shoe tree "in my right shoe, "and the right shoe tree "in the left shoe." [ laughter ] we all have-- we all have our little peccadillos, don't we. here's one featuring lloyd benson. [ laughter ] boy, there's lloyd. [ laughter ] okay, let's see. let's see. birthdate, february 11th, 1921. uh, measurements, 97-27-27 when i'm wearing the big hat. [ laughter ] favorite saying, "so who wants to win "a stupid poll anyway?" favorite game show host, pat sajak, but pat sajak is no jack kennedy.

to have massaged. my heart. [ laughter ] favorite fantasy, overhearing dukakis on the phone last july saying, "hello, jessie, how would you "like to be my running mate?" [ laughter ] dan quayle. let's see what-- [ laughing ] there's dan in, uh, "politic boy." [ laughter ] birthdate, february 4th, 1947, illinois. no, that's the other i state. indiana. turn ons, shooting spitballs at bob dole then looking away. [ laughter ] favorite book, coloring. [ laughter ] early notable accomplishment, won first prize in

for project showing electrical workings of a dim bulb. [ laughter ] "two people i admire most, "fuzzy zoeller "and margaret thatcher." i don't understand that at all. hidden talents-- did you know he does impressions of cagney, bogart, and a deer blinded by car headlights. [ laughter ] favorite-- favorite historical figure. "what does historical "cries a lot?" [ laughter ] pet peeve, age limit on trick or treating. [ laughter ] "the person i'd like most "to meet, my dad. "i'm running a little "short this week." you know, those are some of the things-- [ applause ]

to the candidates. politics is a silly business. it is. i don't know if that covers us. [ laughter ] it is, politics is sillier than what we do. we'll take a break, we'll be right back with jimmy garner.

[ music ] >> okay, we are back. my first guest-- [ cheers and applause ] if you don't, uh-- if you't he is one fine actor. he's received both oscar and emmy nominations. he's also a good friend. would you welcome james garner? [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] the man is back. the man is back. i thought maybe you'd just send pieces of ya over tonight.

haven't ya? >> oh, yeah. they've been drillin' and cuttin'. they've been doin', i guess occidental would probably take a lease on me. >> for those of you who might not have read about it, you were in for a variety of, uh, surgical procedures, and, uh-- >> yeah. >> you look marvelous. >> i went in for an aneurism of the aorta. >> is that a restriction? >> you know what that is? >> no. >> yeah, well, the aorta is the largest blood carrying vessel in the body, and they said, "jim, "you'll never make it "through the operation." >> yeah. and so, they said, "we gotta do a bypass," and they did a four way bypass on me. and two months later, then they went in and did the aneurism. and, uh, i'll take four bypasses to one aneurism. >> yeah? >> yeah. >> so they just-- >> that was a mean dude. >> they had to replace things and whatever needed-- >> well, they looked at everything i had. [ laughter ] as a matter of fact, um, i-i was in there, and the doctors take the stitches out, and my nurse,

and they were talking and i'm trying to think about the stitches because they're takin' 'em out and i'm tryin' to ignore it. and the doctor's saying, you know, the kidney looked good and the gallbladder looks good and everything looked good, and i'm thinkin' in my mind, you know, uh, that the-the test came back. now, what he meant was, "it looks good. "mm-hmm, that looks good." he had 'em in his hands. [ laughter ] all my parts they had. my lungs, my heart, everything. you know, doctors are-- >> you know, you may be eligible to be legally declared a mattel toy... if they keep replacing all the parts in there. >> well, they looked at everything i got, and anything they didn't like they replaced. >> well, you look super, you look super. >> i must have another 40-50,000 miles. [ laughter ] >> you, uh, you said you went out and played golf the other day, he's an excellent golfer, and shot a 74. >> yeah. >> well, you can't feel-- [ cheering and applause ] yeah, you're back, you're back. >> i really felt good about that

you know, after all that messin' around they been doin', that i wouldn't really ever get back to where i was before, but i think i'm gonna make it now. >> i would-- i would think so. uh, we talked just a couple of moments before the show. you were amazed, and i don't know why you should've been, of the amount of mail and stuff that you got while you were in the hospital. >> it was just-- it was really very touching and just overwhelming. i-i couldn't believe it. i mean, there was so many flowers, books, and cards. somewhere between nine and ten thousand cards. >> that's nice. >> and it really got to me. uh, and one of the reasons i wanted to come on, i-- you can't answer all of them. i think we answered, uh, about 3,500-4,000 of 'em that i answered. i can't answer all of 'em and i wanted to here. i wanted to say thank ya to everyone that did. it kinda gets to ya. >> yeah, that's nice, though, to know they're out there. you said brando came by to say hello. >> yeah, they wouldn't let him in. >> not because they

and taken a kind of overview of where you're goin' and where you been and, uh-- >> yeah, a lot of things that you thought meant a lot don't really register that much anymore. when you get right down to it, your health is the most important thing. then you find that your friends are the next most important, and family. and that's-- you know, you do sort out your priorities pretty good. >> you wrote a book along that. we're gonna take a break first because norman cousin, i think, was the one who wrote the book about-- was it the anatomy of an illness? and said that humor played a great part in his recovery. he watched, i think, uh,

and he tried to do a study on it showing the people who read funny things or watched funny movies seemed to have a faster-- it was a positive influence on recovery was laughter. you came in with a book that's kind of funny and full of quotes called the old curmudgeon, is that it? >> "the portable curmudgeon." >> "the portable curmudgeon." curmudgeon will be what, describes what? an old cantankerous type of, uh-- >> i'll read it to ya. >> uh-uh, can we take a break? do a commercial first? >> okay, go 'head. >> these are just quotes from-- >> it's your show. [ laughter ] you can do whatever you want, john. >> yeah. priorities, prio stay where you are. sure, do whatever you want.

[ music ] [ cheering ] >> what a note-- oh. what a note. that's in case anybody falls asleep at home, doc hits that last note, it's like the alarm went off. okay, this is called the, uh, ancient-- no, "the portable curmudgeon."

what a curmudgeon is. >> yeah. >> uh, there's an archaic, uh, definition and a modern definition. the archaic is "a crusty, "ill tempered, churlish "old man," which i think i qualify for, and the modern version is "anyone who hates hypocrisy "and pretense, and has "the temerity to say so. "anyone with the habit of "pointing out unpleasant facts "in an engaging "and humorous manner." >> you said you had some on politics and politicians? >> yeah, i've got some from a young lady by the name of donna ismond, who works for prudential banks here in los angeles, and also, dick martin and, uh, bob newhart sent me one of 'em. i'm a little upset they couldn't of, you know, they had to chip in. >> yeah, well, you know. times are tough, jim. >> yeah, but anyway, i read this in the hospital, and i almost split

and when i got out i called this-this author, john whitaker, and i-i found-found his telephone number in the book and i called him and i said, "john, "this is james garner," and i said, "i'm an actor." and he said, "yes, i know." he said, "how are you?" and i'd been out of the hospital only about ten days, and i said, "i'm fine. "i just wanted to tell you "any curmudgeon worth his salt "wouldn't have a listed "phone number." [ laughter ] but, uh, it's got everything in it that you could possibly want. anything. every subject. >> everything in this book. >> anything in this book. uh, like politicians. h.l. mencken once said, "a good politician "is quite as unthinkable "as an honest burglar." [ laughter ] uh, let me see. who was that? charles de gaulle said, "in order to become the master, "the politician poses "as the servant." >> not bad. >> well, they get-- they are

"a politician is a person "with whose politics "you don't agree. "if you agree with him, "he's a statesman." [ laughter ] oscar levant said cynically of a politician once, he said, "he'll double cross that bridge "when he comes to it." [ laughter ] >> ah, that's oscar lavance. [ applause ] >> oh, we got a lot of these. uh, i could just-- let me see here. yeah, and john kenneth galbraith "in politics as a short memory." "it is dangerous for "a national candidate "to say things that people "might remember." [ laughter ] eugene mccarthy said that. >> true, true. >> too true. um, hmm. >> i was reading this afternoon, some of 'em on marriage. i don't know why, uh-- [ laughter ] >> i can't imagine why. well, yeah, there is marriage. >> you have marriage in there?

>> it starts there. >> uh, marriage, marriage, marriage. >> yeah, you gotta-- you gotta sort 'em out. >> uh, oscar levant, again, "marriage is a triumph "of habit over hate." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, here. h.l. mencken again. he was-- he was crusty. mencken-- "no man examining "his marriage intelligently "that it is compounded, "at least in part, of slavery, "and that he is the slave." [ laughter ] j.b. priestley said, "marriage is like paying "an endless visit "in your worst clothes." [ laughter ] george bernard shaw said, "marriage is popular "because it combines "the maximum of temptation with "a maximum of opportunity." i see.

>> watch it, there's a couple in there-- >> yeah, you have to be very careful. [ laughter ] >> does it go to husbands and wives? >> hmm. karl kraus says, "since the law prohibits "the keeping of wild animals, "and i get no enjoyment "from pets, i prefer "to remain unmarried." [ laughter ] [ applause ] wow. >> there's a whole section on kraus. >> okay, let me ask you another question. >> all right. >> um, this is about you again. i hate to dwell on your, uh... >> why not, i'm here? >> stay in the hospital. yeah, you're here. obviously, i would guess because of a thing like an aneurism, and bypass surgery, you changed your diet a little bit. i'm only guessing. >> you're right. >> now, before this happened, if you went to a restaurant, what would be your ideal thing that you would order? >> well, for breakfast it was sausage, biscuits, and gravy. that's out. >> no sausage, biscuits, and gravy? >> well, i can have the biscuits and gravy. i found out how to do that,

i had a-- you know, people used to-- you used to go in and people say, "what's your sign?" now it's, "what's your cholesterol count?" [ laughter ] but my cholesterol i brought down from 277 to 159, which is-- [ applause ] >> so, you just change your style of living? >> by changing my diet, by exercise, and, uh, well, just, you know, not eating-- there's-- you can eat proper foods. see, when i got out of the hospital, or when i was in the hospital, the food, i mean, we're talkin' cardboard here. uh, it was just awful, and i said, "i don't think "i'm gonna be able "to manage this." i thought, "i just will "never eat again." and i was living on cereal. but since then i've found a young lady, robyn has come to my house, she's a chef,

i've been the guinea pig, to cook some wonderful, wonderful foods. there's things out there that you can eat, 'cause you get tired of those pritikin diets-- i don't wanna knock pritikin. i mean, it's good, but about two weeks. >> yeah, you might as well go out and graze on the lawn for a while. [ laughter ] >> it would be preferable, yeah. no, i've had to change a lot of things. >> well, it's worked for ya because you look great. >> well, thanks, john. feelin' good. >> we'll do this. we'll be right back. stay where you are.

[ music ] >> okay. [ cheers and applause ] my next guest-- my next guest is a funny young comedian. jeff's gonna be appearing at caroline's in new york city, november the 10th through the 13th, and at the comedy gallery in minneapolis, december the 14th through the 18th. would you welcome jeff cesario? jeff? [ cheers and applause ]

>> thanks very much, good to see ya. my name is jeff cesario, i'm, uh, italian. [ applause ] i'm proud of it, of course. italy, the only country to switch sides in the middle of both world wars. yeah. [ laughter ] i am still workin' on this election. i'm trying to figure out who i'm gonna vote for. i don't-- you know, democracy is a privilege, but let's be honest, this year we shoult okay, this is unbelievable. [ cheering ] you know, i think-- i watched both debates, i've been reading. i figured out the difference between the candidates. here it is. michael dukakis looks at half a glass of water, he thinks it's half empty. george bush looks at it, he thinks, "who the hell "drank half of my water?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] thanks. i think like that though. i might have too much common sense, i'm not sure.

even like horror movies, most people are scared, they walk out of a horror movie scared. i'm never scared. i walk out of a horror movie thinkin', "next time don't "dawdle in the shower." [ laughter ] it takes real things to scare me. you ever been drivin' late at night, you start to fall asleep at the wheel? that-- now, that to me is frightening. you try to wake up, you drink coffee, you chew gum, but nothin' works. the only things that's really gonna wake you up when you're drivin' tired is a near fatal accident. [ laughter ] it's true. i don't care how drowsy you are, yokn off on a bridge abutment goin' 60, you are awake. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it's true, anything real will scare you. even tiny things if they're real. spiders-- spiders scare me. middle of the night, you get up, go into your bathroom, hit the light switch, there's a spider on the wall. that-that scares me because other insects run from light. not spiders. they freeze right where they are. i don't know what the hell is goin' through their mind.

"eight hairy legs, "a dark brown body-- "i can blend into "this white tile." [ laughter ] [ whistling ] [ applause ] "hey, how's she gonna read "that magazine all rolled up "like that?" [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] each of us have our own-- i think that we each have our owtt actually afraid of going bald. i think that's stupid. i think bald guys look great. they look manly, they look virile. i don't know what they're afraid of. a guy with a toupee is worried about what i think about his head. i have never looked at a bald guy and thought to myself, "pfft, what kind "of a man let's his own "hair fall out?" [ laughter ] you know what mine is, my little fear? choking. i don't like to-- that's why i always take my time when i eat. other people eat so fast.

that's not fast enough, now we've got the drive through window at the fast food restaurant. that's not fast enough. i think ideally what we want is to be able to drive through at top speed with our car windows down, that pimply faced kid just throws food right in your mouth. it's amazing. we want food that will finish cooking in our esophagus. [ laughter ] it's true. [ cheers and applause ] have you seen that-- we have a new microwave cake, right? it bakes up, frosting and all, four minutes. why? if it ever gets to that point, just look the other person in the eye and say, "hey, listen, i'm sorry, "i forgot your birthday." [ laughter ] [ applause ] we don't eat for taste anymore. we eat for speed. sometimes we will eat out of frustration.

you've eaten on an airplane? that's the worst food possible, but you'll eat it 'cause you're frustrated. you're strapped into that chair, you've got nothin' to do, the movie stinks, you're uncomfortable from that nozzle draft thing over your head. what the hell is that, some sort of pneumonia valve up there? "i don't think my neck's "gonna get stiff enough "just sittin' here "for four and a half hours. "i need a nice cold draft on it. "yeah, that's much better." [ laughter ] [ cheering and applause ] it's true. so, you're frustd, and then when the airplane gets in trouble, what drops from the bulkhead? oxygen masks. that's apparently so we can stay alive until the exact second we plow into a cornfield. you know, they're not thinking. [ cheers and applause ] thanks. you know, if they would just use common sense. you know what should drop from the bulkhead? a decent meal, for pete sake.

screamin', "ah! ah! "ah, filet mignon." [ laughter ] [ cheering and applause ]

[ music ] >> okay, now, this next young lady. [ cheers and applause ] this next-- [ applause ] with an unusual name, but it's her real name, however, and she's a regular on nbc's new series called, "empty nest." it's on saturday nights at 9:30. would you say hello to park overall? [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> hello, park. >> thank you for havin' me. >> well, thank you for bein' here. i suppose you get tired

park, p-a-r-k. >> yes, it's been a cross to bear, i'll tell you that. children were very cruel with me. >> yeah. >> yeah. but i sorta like it now. do y'all like it? [ applause ] >> park, it sounds like a housing development. >> well, people-- >> "where do you live?" "i live at park overall." >> a casting director once said to me, i said, "that's the truth." he said, "of course it is, "who'd bother to make it up?" >> yeah, and you are obviously not from vermont. [ laughter ] i just picked up on that. you didn't have that vermont, uh-- where about in the south are you from? >> i'm from east tennessee. a little town. oh, thank you. yeah, go vols, yes. >> that's right, tennessee volunteers, right? >> yes, sir. >> you were born there and raised there? >> yes, sir, i was. >> you don't have to say sir to me. i mean, it makes me sound-- it makes me sound very elderly. >> if i knew you better i wouldn't, but it'll take me a little while. >> yeah. is that the southern upbringing? >> yes. you know about that, don't ya? >> be polite to your elders and say ma'am, and yes, sir? >> yes, sir, and certainly say

[ cheers and applause ] i'll be dog gone. [ laughter ] i was telling the-- i love the southern accent, i was tellin' you before the show while you were in makeup that i went from nebraska in 1943, to mississippi, jackson, mississippi. i was stationed there for awhile, and i thought i had gone to mars. i mean, it took me weeks to get onto the rhythm and the inflection, and after about six months there, i went home anu i'd go home, and i'd say, "hi mom, hi dad. how y'all?" >> it's contagious. >> yeah. >> people at work start talkin'-- >> when you see-- when you see actresses that are not from the south portraying a role where they're supposed to be from the south, is that-- >> that's why i'm an actress. i told my daddy, "i'm so sick "of these yankee girls "doin' us wrong." i said, "i can't stand it, "i gotta go try." >> yeah? >> yeah. >> did anybody ever tell you when you came out to hollywood that you've gotta lose the accent or anything? >> everybody. >> why? why would they do that? >> well, see, first i went to new york.

in new york at all? >> oh, new york. i just-- i'd been there four and a half years, and i had just learned to be rude, and i was gettin' into it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i was. and then i got this job and i had to move out here, and suddenly i had to be sweet again. i'm so schized out about it. >> you were just pickin' up on new york? >> yeah. >> how do you like los angeles? do you find it-- >> i'm lovin' it, i'll tell you that. now, what is this marine layer, and what is this santa ana winds business? >> well, this is difficult they are saying. you see, los angeles is surrounded by mountains and it's kind of a basin, and you get a temperature inversion, and it traps and then the air can't get out. >> it makes me crazy. >> i know it does, yeah. >> yeah, and the scenery and everything, and people are so sweet. now, see, bein' southern, all i require is a little decorum up front. you know, that's all i require. you can stab me in the back later, i just don't wanna see it comin'. you know? [ laughter ]

do you think the folks back home would be surprised at what you're doing now? >> oh, yeah. >> yeah? >> yeah, what i like to do was drink me a little beer and shoot a little pool. that's what i love to do. [ cheers and applause ] yeah, that's what i like, and i did that for many years. i raised cows and did that, and i enjoyed it very much. and i studied those people, and i love my mountain people, and i want to represent them properly. so, that's why. >> are you enjoying the show? yeah, what a treat. i mean, tv, huh? >> yeah. >> yeah. >> do you get to go back home at all? do they treat you differently now? any different since you've been on television? >> oh-- well, no, they don't treat me differently. they treat me-- you know, everybody's so excited. it's a very small town, you know, and i'm so proud of it. >> what's the name of your town, by the way? >> greeneville. g-r-e-e-n-e-ville. the only greeneville with an extra e. [ laughter ] >> well, i'll change my postage meter at home immediately, 'cause i--

going there and i had it wrong all these years. how big is-- i'm not makin' fun of small towns, i'm from a small town, originally, of about 1,200 people. now, how big is greenville? >> i don't know. i am so bad at math that i've been sayin' 30,000 people and people say, "oh, that's big." and i say, "oh, maybe it's 15." >> that's a big city. >> i forget how big it is. it only has one high school and four in the county, that's how big it is. >> well, it's gonna be less than 30,000 people. >> okay. >> sure. [ laughter ] well, when you're in high school, were you in or did ya do any of that kind of stuff? >> oh, no, sir. >> why not? >> i don't know. [ laughter ] >> no decorum. >> no, they wanted me to be a debutante, and i said no to that too. it just wasn't my bag. >> you sound like a country girl. >> yes, sir. >> yeah, somebody told me you had some unusual pets. true? >> oh, yes, sir. >> what do you have? >> we're an animal lovin' family. [ laughter ] >> i feel like judge carson sitting here.

"yes, your honor, i do declare." "well, my dear." [ laughter ] okay, that's all. go on, it's-it's-it's very nice. uh, anyway, what do you have? unusual dogs, or what? >> well, no, an unusual crow that we raised from a little baby, and it talks, "parky, parky, parky, hello," it says. yes, it does. and i had this, um-- i raised cows, and i started off raisin' this one on a bucket because it was a twin, wouldn't take it. so, it was a midget, and when her baby was born, the farmer called me up and said, "come over and get ya "a shoebox and come over "and get this calf," 'cause it was born on his property because she was always gettin' out because she was a pet, and she lived on my porch. but in order to get a cow back from down the road, a banana. they love bananas, little known fact about cows. they will follow a banana anywhere. >> are you sure this wasn't a chimpanzee?

>> no, they love-- the peel and all. >> so, you went down and enticed her home with a banana? >> yeah, once they're a pet it's hard to keep them in. >> yeah. well, now you live out here, obviously you don't have your cow here. >> just my cat. >> just a cat? >> just a cat. >> what happened to the crow? >> it's in tennessee bein' taken care of properly until i can have an actual home. >> how do you properly take care of a crow? >> well, we made him a big cage and give a lot of attention and a lot of food and talk to him a lot. see, we can't let him loose because we tried to let him go and he lands on the dogs and the cats. he wants to ri so, for his own good we had to keep him in. >> all right, we'll be back. stay where you are.

[ music ] >> how much time do we have here? [ applause ] we got a minute or so here? >> half a minute. >> okay. uh, shorty sullivan was supposed to be with us. we ran long tonight. our apologies to him. we're on the air, aren't we? >> yes, sir, we are. >> i thought you were doing an impression there. [ laughter ] would you come back and do this again? you're charming. >> oh, i'd be so honored. thank you. >> sir. >> sir. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> and this is johnny roy bob saying we hope-- oh, no. jim, thanks for bein' here. i'm glad to see ya up and around. >> ah, thank you. >> thank you. good night. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ]

? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? three's company, too ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ?

i have arranged for you to make dinner for the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. what do you say to that? no, larry, i can't. for a second there, i thought you said no.

you lost me, jack. look, for the last three nights i have had three different girls up here. three girls in three nights? you'll be dead before janet and chrissy can kill you. i've used every excuse in the book to get them out of this apartment. i've been manipulative, deceitful and underhanded. jack, i'm proud of you. larry, i'm serious. i've got to make it up to them. i even canceled my date with doreen maxwell tonight. you said no to the girl who can't say no? that's right. lled and i canceled the date. look, i promised janet and chrissy a special dinner and i'm going to keep that promise. and you should. they can have dinner tomorrow night. you can have dessert tonight. i can't. oh, come on, jack, you've got to. she's my boss's niece if she doesn't have a nice time it will really upset me. gee, larry, i never knew you were so sensitive. oh, yeah. the last time i got fired, it upset me for weeks. woman: hello.

larry. she's french. hold on one second for jack. wait a minute. no, larry. chrissy and janet... hello. hello, jacques. oui. she is french. i mean, yes, this is jacques... ...jerk, jerk... jack, jack, jack. we are getting together tonight, yes? well, actually, see... oh, i am looking forward to it so much. larry said you would get me excited. he what? what? i get so excited about a good meal. in my country, a great chef is the second best thing you can be. what's the first? a great lover, of course. ( giggling ) of course. how soon can you get up here? right away. au revoir. au revoir-r-r-r! what a voice! what a laugh... what have i done? i promised janet and... don't worry, jack. you won't regret this.

i've never met her. wait, larry, larry. ( with french accent ): thank heaven for little girls. ( whistling french national anthem ) hi, larry. wait, wait. say, girls, excuse me. i have a little something i'd like to ask you. yeah, what? yes, jack? uh... how was your day? fine, thanks. you wouldn't have believed mine. i am lucky to still have a job, jack. yeah? yes. and i ended up sending this giant "rest in peace" flower bouquet to a honeymoon suite. i guess that could be a little inappropriate. not as inappropriate as sending "good luck in your new life" to a funeral. janet, i can see how after a day like that you wouldn't be in the mood for a heavy dinner. are you kidding? jack, the only thing that got me through this afternoon

with my two best friends. i had a terrific day. yeah? did you? i ran into steve and cathy. they had extra tickets for the eagles concert tonight. they asked if janet and i wanted to go. chrissy, that's fantastic. you better hurry up and get ready. for what? the eagles concert. i'm not going. you turned down the tickets? jack, i can see the eagles anytime. i've been looking forward to this dinner all day. chrissy, forget about dinner. i mean, think of janet. look at that face. look at how disappointed she is. no, it's not disappointment, jack. it's hunger. what's for dinner? boy, i don't know. it sure smells good. chrissy, i haven't started cooking anything yet. you better get started so you can catch up with the smell. in the meantime, i'm going to freshen up. yeah, me, too. jack...

denise, denise, denise. d-e-n... what am i doing? ( doorbell ringing ) jacques? denise? oui. wow! no. what? excuse me. you-you can't have dinner here tonight. no, i'm sorry. see, there was... ( sobs ) what are you doing? you're not... don't... don't cry, please. hey, hey, hey, don't cry. you don't like me. oh, that's not true! yes, it is. it was a mistake, this... this bald date. no, that's blind date. please, please, don't cry. did you think we weren't going to have dinner together?

it's what you said. no, no. i said that we weren't going to have dinner here tonight. 'cause see, my-my roommate's sick. oh, well, then where are we having dinner? uh... uh... how about upstairs in larry's apartment? now you take this. it's number 304. you just take this key and go upstairs okay. fix yourself a drink and i'll get dinner ready. okay. oh, jacques, you must think i am just a big baby, huh? ( imitating baby ): no. jack, who were you talking to out there? oh, that was larry. he's just come down with the asian flu. i sent him straight up to bed. really? we saw him a few minutes ago. he looked just fine. on the outside, yeah but on the inside, he's a raging epidemic.

i'll go, uh, put the chops on. what can we do? uh, open the wine. chrissy: okay. food, more food. hamburgers... hamburgers, hamburgers, hamburgers. can i help? no, no, no. well, in that case maybe i'll just take a tray up to larry. no, i already thought of that, janet and i've prepared a tray of hors d'oeuvres myself. i'm going to take these up. egg roll? yeah, i told you he has the asian flu. jack! try one. jack, does red wine go with lamb chops

red wine taste better but white's what you're supposed to have or is it the other way around, or both? yes. that's what i thought. denise. i was just looking at larry's pictures. he's quite a ladies' man, no? well, i have given him a few pointers. i can't stand playboys. as i said, i've tried to straighten him out. the kind of guy who could only be with one woman at a time. h-h-how can you tell that? by looking in your face. you have such honest eyes. hors d'oeuvre? yeah, thank you. hey, where are you going? i'll be right back. ( french accent ): i have to go see about dinner. janet, i was just thinking--

yeah. what a nice guy. he stays home friday night to cook dinner for us then goes upstairs to take care of his best friend. hi. what? what? what was that for? just for being you. listen, you sit down and relax. chrissy and i will take care of setting the table. yeah. jack, you're really something. oh, chrissy. so far so good. ( doorbell ringing ) denise! no! oh, doreen, for a moment i thought... doreen, what are you doing here? i'm here for dinner, jack.

well, i have a roommate and he happens to be very, very sick-- uh, uh, congested chest. jack, i'm a nurse. have you forgotten?

. look, there's a drugstore five minutes from here. let me go and pick up some menthol oil. no, no, you don't have to do that. no hurry. after i'm done taking care of your roommate well, then i'll have all night just to take care of... you. mm... can i speak to you for just a sec, doreen? mr. furley. ( grunts ) there. that ought to hold it. ( doorbell chimes ) just a minute. ( doorbell chimes ) hold your horse!

jack, i'm very busy. i know how busy you are making women fall in love with you. i told you, i'm very... what... what women? chrissy and janet. you made them fall in love with you. i don't remember doing that. come on, mr. furley. don't act innocent with me. you've seen it before-- the heart of an impressionable young woman turned on by a mature and successful man at the height of his virility. bu-but that's ridiculous. i mean, i'm old... old enough to be their f-f... older brother. they are upstairs right now pining away. they've stopped seeing younger men. it's that classic may-december romance. now, wait a minute. i'm not a day over october. you're taking this lightly. no, i'm not. maybe i'd better go and talk to them before they throw their lives away. good idea. the phone is quicker. use the phone. hurry up. not a second to lose.

jack! hello. oh, hi, mr. furley. you want us to come down to your apartment right now? yeah, but we're just about to have dinner. hey. where were you? i was worried about larry. oh, jack, you're just too much. who was that, chrissy? that was mr. furley. he wants us to come down to his apartment right away. he sounded so strange. he is strange. ah, yes, but this is different. what do you mean "different"? i've spoken too soon. maybe i shouldn't say anything. no, tell us. okay, okay, okay. mr. furley is extremely depressed. why? well, it's his 50th birthday and he's in his apartment feeling all alone, unloved, unwanted... oh, that's terrible. yeah. we should do something. like taking our dinner downstairs and sort of surprising him? yeah. something like that.

how about that one? what one? taking our dinner downstairs. oh, that's a good idea. yeah. why don't you take this, chrissy and janet, you take this and i'll bring the rest of the dinner down. that'll give us a chance to cheer him up. yeah, but don't mention anything about his birthday. i don't want him to think that's the only reason you're down there. right. boy, jack, good thinking. great. good. ( screams ) no time for the pain. food, food... more food, more food. chrissy. hi. janet. hi, mr. furley. what's that? we thought we'd have dinner with you. yeah. we thought since you never invite us it would be a good idea if we just made the first move. chrissy: yeah.

that's it? nope. we thought after dinner we could all have some fun together. what?! oh. oh, jack, mmm... it smells great. actually, this is for my upstairs neighbor larry. he has the flu. wow, it must be catching. why don't you run along upstairs? i'll just check on your roommate. no, no, no, no! let me do that. oh, would you believe it? he's sleeping like a baby. listen, doreen-- have a little wine and i'll be right back. but i'm giving you just two minutes. then i'm coming up there to get you. oh, i wouldn't do that. a minute 59, a minute 58... a minute 57... jacques! a minute 52... what? hold this. 53...

set for a little din-din. here we go. ( panting ) jacques... let's not waste this magic moment with words. let's eat. where's your plate? hmm? uh-uh. i thought... it would be more romantic if we both ate out of the same dish. mmm... jacques, don't you want to say anything? oh, yeah, right. dear lord, thank you for what we're about to eat. amen. don't you want to know who i am? where i come from? what i dream of? no. what?! jacques, why are you acting this way? silly me. i forgot the broccoli, ha! i'll be right back. here. bon appetit. ...and that's why old is old and young is young

are you following any of what i'm saying? you are so handsome for a man your age. well, i know, but that's beside the point. ( whispering ): why, when jack said he was feeling unloved and unwanted he wasn't kidding. look, i don't need any complications in my life and neither do you. mr. furley... mr. furley, come on. it is not complicated. it is very simple. yeah. we love you. we want to make you happy. now, wait a minute! very happy. stay away from me! i don't want to be happy. mr. furley... mr. furley... i'll scream. where are you going now? i'll take this up to larry. again? well, you know, starve a fever, stuff a cold. come on, mr. furley. you're very tense. just sit down, relax... but you don't understand.

oh, wait! let me try. close your eyes... dinner is served! jack, am i glad you're here. you weren't just whistling dixie. these two girls are crazy about me. well, after all, they're only human. mr. furley, why don't you sit there? chrissy, janet, sit next to mr. furley. no, no, no! you girls sit over there. jack, you sit next to me. i'd love to, but... sit! hey, what is this? i thought we were having lamb. we are. ( snorts ) as a matter of fact, yes. hey, they're good. there's an interesting thing about lamburgers-- either they're very, very good or very, very ba-a-a-ad. get it? lamb-- bah, b-a-a-ah. i'm going to go get some dessert. forget the desert. you stay here until after dinner right next to my side. well, if you insist. you mind if i just take a little nibble off of yours, mister? mmm... isn't this just to die for?

let me get that for you. i'll wipe my own mouth, thank you! i was only trying to help. i thought you were going to get dessert. i'm going now. so, there you are, jack. are we or are we not going to have dinner tonight? ( panting ) dinner... coming... now. ( panting ) jack, you know if a poet expresses his feelings through words oh, i can't wait to see a chef like you expresses his. hot dogs?

excuse me. ( with feminine voice ): hello. ( in own voice ): oh, hi. no, don't come up. i'll come down. i mean, i'll come... hang on. jack, what's going on? it's larry up... again? yeah. he's feverish. he wants broccoli. mr. furley... mr. furley! hey, are you trying to hide from us? please come out. i'm not setting one foot out there until jack comes back. might have gone up to check on larry again. maybe we should, too. chrissy, aren't you worried about exposing yourself to his germs? hey, if i care about somebody i don't mind exposing myself. mr. furley! okay, if you won't come out then we're going to go see larry. yeah. good. give me a call

san francisco? yeah. that's where larry went for the weekend. boy, that was good. ( grunts ) i'm ready for dessert. how about you? well... the chockin moose pie. "chockin moose..."? uh-huh. the choc... the chocolate mousse pie! i'll be back in a flash. okay. jack! jack, we want to talk to you. who are you? who are we? who are you? yeah. i'll be back in a second, doreen, chrissy, janet. good. you're all here. i was just about to explain. uh, you see, doreen uh, this is janet, and this is... chrissy. chrissy.

but i also promised you dinner and i tried to call you. she didn't get my message. didn't i try to call you? well, you said... i had to make dinner for her but i also wanted to make dinner for you. i made dinner for her and you. so you see, i went to all this trouble to make dinner for you three girls. jacques?

here's where the explanation becomes a little more complicated. was larry-- my-my friend larry... i don't know if you know larry or not. larry, um... larry asked me to do a favor for him. i wanted to do a favor for larry and, uh... actually, larry asked me if i...

[captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation]

- i think poor little oscar's gone.

popsie who's a pretty boy. - he never said that when he was alive, he's certainly not going to say it now. - i hear him ticking helen. - that's your watch. - you're right, he's gone. who am i going to talk to, who's going to greet me when i come home? - i'll be here. - it's not the same. i mean he really liked me. - oh, come on stanley, it's not the end of the world. - try telling oscar that. - well anyway, you have your memories of him. - good memories too. remember that time your sister ethel came over and he made a poopsie in her hat? remember that time he flew up your dress? - i remember. - i'll have to find something to bury him in.

the kitchen. - cereal box have you no respect? besides, i i want to use the box tops to enter a contest, i've gotta find something better. how about your jewelry box? - oh no you don't, what would i keep all my oh well i'll keep all my hairpins in something else. - i'll dig a little hole in the garden. oh why don't you go next door and borrow a shovel? - helen i'm in mourning. - jeffrey? - what? - i'm not sure that i should donate this dress to the rummage sale. - why? - wasn't this the dress i was wearing when you proposed to me? - you weren't wearing a dress when i proposed to you. - oh yeah - why not?

- oh. [doorbell ringing] - why don't you sit on the chair david, where daddy can see you or better yet, go out back and play. well good morning mrs. roper, come on in. - good morning oh oh good morning i i was wondering if i could borrow a shovel, it's for stanley. - i'd hoped you were returning the hedge clippers stanley borrowed last year. - jeffrey. - i'll get the shovel. doing some gardening? - in a way, he's planting his bird. - oscar, what happened to him? - he died during the night. - oh oh dear. - oh thank you mr. brooks. you know, i think it must've been his heart, i found him this morning, legs in the air, stiff

simple burial. - is there anything we can do? - oh no, we're just going to dig a little hole at the end of the garden and drop him in. - well i hope the neighbor's cat doesn't dig him up. - mr. roper ? - no oscar, our parakeet. bird , i mean. - helen, would you like some coffee? - oh well, if you're not too busy. - oh no, i was just sorting out some old clothes for the rummage sale. - rummage sale? - to raise money for our church. do you have any old clothes?

- holding a flower? - it's a nice touch. - well, you'd better get your funeral over with because we're going to st. filbert's church, they're having a rummage sale. - don't you have enough clothes already? - very funny. we have to find something to donate, i volure - don't give me any trouble stanley, this is a chance to join st. filbert's congregation! - why would we want to do that? - to meet the right people! ann says that they have very interesting social activities. - activities? - oh, i forgot, you wouldn't know the meaning of that word. don't worry stanley, all you have to do is find a few things to give to the rummage sale.

some junk we would throw out anyways. - that describes everything we own. - i don't like the whole idea. - what have you got against the church? - don't you remember, that's where we got married. - look, don't talk that way when reverend harper arrives. - he's coming here? - to pick up our donations! - oh good, maybe i'll ask him to say a few words over oscar. - you will not! now, let me think what else do i have that i don't need anymore? oh - hold it, the body's not even cold and you're selling his house! - more coffee reverend? - oh thank you. - and another thing, things have gotten completely out of hand. everywhere you look, smut smut smut smutty magazines and

drugstores! - smutty drugstores? - no, no their magazines, especially that new drugstore right down the street. they practically thrust their filthy magazines right under your nose. - really, i hadn't noticed. - oh well, they're on the top shelf, behind the auto magazines. you have to stand on tiptoe to not that i would. - well i would! shelves to keep them from the eyes of the innocents, but, the way the law has tied our hands, there's not much we can do about it. - we can, we can! we can stamp it out! - that's true, they haven't tied your feet yet. - that's right - how about this old jacket? - old is right, just put it aside jenny and i'll throw it

- oh, it's so nice of you to help out. - oh, i don't mind, after all it's for a good cause. - yeah. - oh you found my favorite jacket, i was wondering where it was. you giving away that dress? - stanley, that dress is 10 years old. - but you never wore it. - i know it's a party dress. hope nobody finds out who donated it. - is that why you put your name on the box? - oh yeah, jenny did that. [doorbell ringing] - yeah, if you're going to give something to charity, i think they'd like to know where it's coming from. - mrs. roper. - oh yes, you must be reverend harper. - mrs. brooks said you might have something for us. - yes, well a lot of it has been around for years and may not be very useful this is my

reverend harper. - how do you do, and so you're friends of mr. and mrs. brooks? - yes. - no. - mr. brooks is a fine man, he's a leader in the fight against moral decay, a man who always tries to be closer to god. - i guess that's why he's always got his nose up in the air. - well i want to thank you for your generosity. - as i was telling helen, nothing's too good for the church. - would you care for a cup of tea, reverend? - no thank you, i can't stay, i have several more stops to make. - with all the rich people in your congregation, you must make out like a bandit. - stanley! - no offense, padre. - yes yes yes , is this it? - oh, you don't have to lift that. - oh, well i don't want to put you through any bother. - no, it's no bother, it's no bother jenny, you want to give helen a hand with that stuff?

ask you something - well i'm a bit busy. - it's a religious question. - oh certainly, my son. - do birds go to heaven? - birds? - yeah, well he'd be right at home there, he's got the wings and all. - i'm not certain there's a definitive statement concerning birds in heaven. - well, if he doesn't go to heaven, i'd like him to have a nice burial anyway you know, with flowers somebody saying a few s something of a problem mr. roper - don't worry about it, listen, next time you bury somebody, just slip him in. - stanley! you're not ready! - ready for what? - we're going to the rummage sale. - what for? - to help out. - haven't you helped enough already, giving away all our good stuff? - i only gave away stuff we don't need anymore like oh,

gardening magazines, some old clothes - gardening magazines? - jenny found them in the storeroom, there must've been dozens of them. - wait a minute, the ones in the cardboard box? - yeah. - oh no! - well, i hope you don't mind. - mind mind mind! - i think he minds. - why, they were just a bunch of old gardening magazines. - yeah, i had no idea you we in the storeroom? - that's what i'd like to know, you never do any gardening. - they weren't all gardening magazines, just the ones on top. - oh what was underneath? - underneath were were art magazines. - art, what kind of art? - it was just art! - art! you told me you threw out all those girly magazines! - yeah i was going to but but but - but but but you didn't, now

magazines. oh, i could scream. - me too, it was a very valuable collection. maybe we can get them back. - no, if they ever found out that we donated them, they'd never let us join. - they're going to find out helen jenny put your name on

- jeffrey? - what? - how much do you think i should ask for these hedge clippers? - i don't know, let me see i'd

minute, these are mine! - are you sure? - of course i'm sure, i loaned them to roper and he gives them to the rummage sale. - since their yours, i'll let you have them for two dollars. - oh! - daddy, can i have this comic book? - well david, you know i don't approve of your reading comic books. - you read them. - only if they're educational. - please dad, this is shark man. - oh, shark man, let me see. oh a giant clam swallows a submarine that's educational. - i'll tell you what david, i'll let you have them for a dollar. - can i have a dollar? - sure. wait a minute, what have you done to earn a dollar? - i helped you sell these comic books. - well, we're just about ready for business as soon as old mrs. wilson finishes setting up. oh garden and home, that's one of my little hobbies. - oh really? - yes. - you know, i do a little bit

oh! - what is it? - yikes! it's nothing it's nothing i was just just amazed amazed at the wonderful turnout here today. hello, hello! - but there's nobody here yet. - i know that, i'm just practicing. hello, hello. grow that large. - what? - sunflowers. - oh sunflowers. well reverend, i i i'll tell you what i'll do, i'm i'm i'm i'm gonna put this i'm i'm gonna put this gonna set this little copy aside for you right now. - can i see one daddy?

wilson is. - are there any more? - oh no no no i see i think it's time to open up the front doors now reverend - oh, okay. - i wonder what happened to helen, she was supposed to be helping out. - probably ashamed to show her face. - why? - never mind. - hi mommy. - hi david, you having fun? - daddy told me to go see how old mrs. wilson is, she says she's 72 if it's any of your business. - she's 72. - smile, stanley smile, don't let anybody see that something's wrong. forget it, you can stop smiling. take off that horrible jacket, straighten up your shoulders and don't wander off. - do you mind if i breathe? - yes! i want you to go find those magazines and sneak them

snooping around. - oh, stop blaming jenny, she feels bad enough already. - well she ought to, you know how long it took me to collect that that that that - that that smut! oh i don't know how you could buy such trash, it's cheap, cheap, cheap. - you sounded just like oscar. - oh, mrs. roper, i was just browsing through your magazines - you were? of the same interests. - we do? - you'd be surprised at some of the things i've done behind the church. - reverend harper! - well, it helps me to relax while i work on my weekly sermon. - oh roper, anything in particular you're frantically searching for? - i was just browsing - oh.

something interesting, the history of stripmining in brazil. - i'll wait for the movie. you don't happen to have any gardening magazines, do you? - gardening magazines gardening magazines oh let me did the reverend buy them all? - the reverend? - or was it his wife? what say didn't you contribute some gardening magazines? - not me, helen, helen but she didn't know what my plans were for the spring, i want to plant - oh oh could could could these be yours? - i'll take the whole bunch! - all right, wait a minute now, what are you willing to offer? - $.50. - $.50 each, well that's very generous. - no, $.50 for the whole box. - oh, come on roper, they're worth a lot more than that, i'd say oh $35 - but i donated them. - oh yes, in the most generous act of charity it was you,

this box. oh golly let's take a look - no no no no never mind never mind i'll take it, i'll take it. $35, it does go to charity, doesn't it? - well i think you'll get a lot of wear out of it. - thank you. - oh, hi helen. - oh, hi ann, oh hey, what a nice jacket. - i'll let you have it for five dollars. - mommy, how much is a dead bird? better, what do you think? - i feel like a popsicle. - but that was a real bargain, it only cost five dollars. - what did you do with my old jacket? - oh, that came in real handy, i needed something to wrap up the garbage. oh, speaking of garbage stanley, i want you to get rid of those filthy magazines. - after all the trouble i went through to get this back? - i will not have that trash in

with looking at the human body. - then how come you never want to look at mine? - i've seen it. - look at these obscene magazines amateur gardener rose garden journal bama garden and gardening magazines! - take that shark man shouts and hits the oil pirate in the snorkel and the pirate looks at him and says gurgle gurgle gurgle and sinks to the bottom of the sea.

[doorbell ringing] - i'd like a word with you brooks. - roper, you know, i've been expecting you isn't that my jacket? - what? - that's my jacket. - should've known, helen got this at the church sale. - roper, i've had that jacket since prep school and i i'd like to buy it back. - i don't know, i've gotten kind of attached to it. - how much? - well, if it means that much to - i'll make a deal with you you know those magazines i bought from you - yes? - well, underneath them were other magazines - what about them? - you tell me where they are, what you did with them and i'll give you this jacket. - all right, all right, all right it's a deal. - okay, what did you do with them? - i threw them in the incinerator, give me my jacket back. give me my jacket back! - what's going on here?

you doing with stanley's jacket? - a deal's a deal mrs. roper. what happened to the sleeves? - oh, i shortened them for stanley. - didn't i mention that? - roper! - a deal's a deal, brooks. - don't worry mr. brooks, ann can lengthen them for you. - oh good.

- whazza what what? - what girly girl, nudes, broad's? - well, those those i i i was just saving them to burn them in the fireplace. - we don't have a fireplace. - we don't have one now, but we're going to have a very, very soon. picture if you will, a fireplace over here, somewhere over here, a big flue and we can

marshmallows, just right down here [jacket rips] oh my my jacket! roper! i hate you! i hate you!

ooh, here comes aunt hilda and mr. kraft. ten bucks says he kisses her. 20 bucks says she throws up. and that is why i packed up everything i owned into my '72 dodge dart, and i just left muncie and headed for westbridge. uh-huh. good night. you know, i... had a wonderful time tonight, hilda. "a heavy heart, beloved year until i saw thy face." oh! would you look at the time! i really, really... isn't that your car rolling down the hill? oh, good lord! quick. she's coming. hey. what are you guys doing? "a heavy heart, beloved, i have borne from year to year..." hold me, willard. ( kissing sounds )