ooh, here comes aunt hilda and mr. kraft. ten bucks says he kisses her. 20 bucks says she throws up. and that is why i packed up everything i owned into my '72 dodge dart, and i just left muncie and headed for westbridge. uh-huh. good night. you know, i... had a wonderful time tonight, hilda. "a heavy heart, beloved year until i saw thy face." oh! would you look at the time! i really, really... isn't that your car rolling down the hill? oh, good lord! quick. she's coming. hey. what are you guys doing? "a heavy heart, beloved, i have borne from year to year..." hold me, willard. ( kissing sounds )

so this is my lowest moment. ( warbling note )

where'd kraft take you? there's a man who likes his beef fresh. no. he likes to know the price of cattle. we skipped dinner-- he's on a diet. whenever he's hungry, he drinks iced tea. he hasn't lost any weight, but at least he's jittery. is that a fun date for people your age? no! willard's one of those people who hit middle age and just forgot how to have fun. ( door slams ) hildegard antoinette spellman. you used my laptop again without asking. then there are some people

is to help discover cures for the problems of the world not to make fudge. i'm sorry, zelda. boy! this has not been a good night for me. at least you don't have to go out with mr. kraft. i'm seeing him again this weekend. what? what? he may be a bad date, but when you live as long as we do, you have a lot of friday nights to fill. well, i feel refreshed. oh, here. maybe i can help. ver tried anger therapy? now try it. oh! oh! it usually works on the one in the faculty lounge. sabrina, look. the p.t.a. is sponsoring a ski trip to vermont this weekend. let's sign up. i can't believe the p.t.a. came up with something fun. let's see how they ruin this. i'm so glad they picked you to chaperon the ski trip. well, you know my motto: fun, with discipline.

did your hope die first or mine? motion passed-- all nut items will be eliminated from future bake sales due to janitor bill's allergic reaction, and i am told he is finally breathing on his own again. okay, next up: we need to vote on how to spend the money that last year's seniors left. ( muffled ): loser. heard that. well, i think we should spend it sponsoring the cheerleaders to go to a unique cheerleading workshop... in france. oh, please. so the brightest and best of today's youth taking their american values over to the godless countries in europe. i think that is a nifty idea. any other proposals? we should get a drinking fountain that works. not only would it benefit our class, but the student body. ( murmured agreement ) well, let's vote. all those in favor of the drinking fountain? all in favor of sending our cheerleaders to camp

okay. motion passed. congratulations, libby. enjoy europe. more people raised their hands in favor of the water fountain. and i used my veto to overrule them. i thought student government was democratic. and i am certain that our forefathers would have wanted our cheerleaders to see paris. and brussels on the weekend. ( sighs ) zelda: sabrina, have you been using my laptop again without asking? if you're proud of my initiative, yes. well, i'm not. won't that make dressing a problem? you make with my laptop? hair mousse but you would really understand if you could have seen what my hair looked like that day. i am making a new house rule: no one plays with my laptop now matter how hungry you are no matter how ungroomed. what if...? no! how about...? no! she's waffling. okay, now, in order to ensure everyone's safety on this trip i have established a few simple guidelines.

"no laughing"? well... and since we'll be staying at my ex-father-in-law's condo to save a little bit of money everyone will have to pitch in with the chores. ( all groaning ) will we get paid? you will be paid with up to 45 minutes a day of ski time, mister. well, since it's about ten minutes until school starts i'm sure you've got some homework you've forgotten or some property to destroy. coming through. obviously, he's never been loved. perfectly understandable, but sad. the guy's completely forgotten what it's like to be a teenager. if only there was some way to remind him. i'll be back before homeroom's over. where you going? to zap...ity doo-dah into the hall. see ya. are you sure about this? zelda was pretty explicit about not going near this. she said not to play with it. she said the laptop was for curing problems of the world

to make mr. kraft understand teenagers i know what she'd say. hint-- it rhymes with "whoa." oh, it worked! candy? nah. i'd probably break out. "for a teenager's outlook on life "take three candies. "caution: may result in the ability to eat an entire box of cereal." perfect. i'll just slip a few into his iced tea. the game is afoot. ( theme from the pink panther playing ) all right, you clowns, get down from there. have you nothing better to do than climb the cafeter... cafeteria?

( sighs ) this is a school, not a bordello. miss spellman why have you been following me around all morning? it's... your cologne, mr. kraft. it's so great that i want to buy some for my friend, harvey. well, you can think about my old spice in detention. but what's my crime? smelling the vice principal. now, that's funny. i seem to be out of detention slips.

now, what are you doing with my iced tea? uh, i just thought you might be thirsty. miss spellman... kissing up is a way of life not just something you do when it suits you. mr. kraft, are you all right? we need tunes. ( radio blaring ) huh? what is this? detention. you can feel de tension in de room, huh? ( chuckling ) ( laughs ) mr. barber. ( muttered cough ): loser. mr. kraft. you want something? ( clattering ) heigh-oh! let's hear it for gordy. nice move.

i am packing supplies for water balloons. do we still have to clean? we'll just fake it-- spread potpourri everywhere make sure there's paper in the johns. hey, did i ever tell you guys about the time my toenail got infected? it turned, like, completely green. excuse me. what?! i need you to sign this so the cheerleaders can get our trip approved. later. please? i took the liberty of filling in the pesky blanks. gimme. anyway... nd the thing floating around in my sock. how gross is that? okay, there. super. you really want this, don't you? huh, libby? huh? you want it? you want it? harvey, think fast! harvey, i'm open. who was that to, kinkle? ew. oh... here's the world's smallest violin

wow. he seems different. i know. salem: you're kidding? he played "smells like teen spirit" with his nose? four verses. this spell is working better than expected. unbelievable. i wonder how it's affecting his date with hilda? he's on a date with aunt hilda? willard, i can't tell you how much fun i had tonight. how'd you ever guess that man's weight? oh, that was easy. he's just a big tub of goo. ( laughing ) well... jeez, i... wow! touchdown-- kraft! hi, aunt hilda. how was your date? great! we threw softballs at clowns. we held hands at the fun house. we spit off the monorail. i'm crazy about willard kraft. so she's in love with someone who's under a spell -- but at least i'm not in trouble.

that's the same street sweeper that went by ten minutes ago. he'd better get here. i'm starting to feel a camaraderie with you people. well, here comes mr. kraft. i'm sure there's an explanation. mr. kraft, why is the bus so late? hire the bus-- i told my mother to remind me. i'm sorry. well, okay, so i goofed. this is not the end of the world. i'm sure we can fix this somehow. what can we do? i know-- race you to the arcade. i think we should stay here okay. you do that. come on. if you leave, i'm going to have to report you. he'll be back with some help.

why are the halls such a mess? mr. kraft forgot to pay the janitors so they're on strike. avoid the bathrooms. i didn't know he took care of that. or that. why has he been acting totally weird lately?

kraft: listen up, butt brains everyone has to write a report on last night's "team knight rider." faked you out. ( yelling ) ow! okay, maybe he has been acting a little strange. got to go. ( telephone rings ) bon jour. salem, it's me. so, what's the haps? it's the spell. find something in the book to reverse it. mr. kraft keeps getting younger. freeze! n.y.p.d. we're going downtown. ( imitating gunshots ) what's going on? why isn't anyone eating? mr. kraft forgot to sign the food order. and it was tamale day. who would have thought? guess mr. kraft is in charge of more stuff than detention. i'm hungry and i'm not very nice when i'm hungry. so it's a nutrition problem. oh. mr. kraft, all these students are very hungry and there is no food. well, you're a girl. go fix lunch.

"that's neanderthal." you are the vice principal of this school and it is your responsibility to order the darned food. is not. is, too. not, not, not, not... infinity. this is a ridiculous conversation. is not. oh! i'm hungry. we have the statewide exams coming up in a week and one of the things that's going to be on them is quadratic equations. this is vice principal kraft... ( burps ) ha! he makes three times what i do. i just wanted to say that even though lunch today was, like, totally not my fault i'm going to make it up to you guys by letting you go home... for three weeks. three weeks? we'll never get ready for the exams. we'll lose our accreditation. but we'll catch up on our soaps. oh, uh... your uncle is calling you on the pay phone. oh. uncle salem?

that's the only way it could be messing up unless you mixed it with caffeine but no one's that stupid. i did. i mixed it with caffeine in iced tea. oh, no! everyone knows you don't put aging potion in with caffeine. did the surgeon general make that warning? it causes the container to absorb the potion. every time mr. kraft makes a pitcher of iced tea he gets more potion. i have to get that carafe. yes, and be careful, 99. what? you are so young. ha! mr. kraft, i didn't know you were in here but then i didn't look in what appears to be your fort. since you are here, i'll go. tag, you're it. you're never going to catch me. i'm very bad at this game. i quit. oop, tag, i'm it. um, pain tag. if i catch you, i give you pain. i don't want to play! indian burn. you're it.

ow! i'm telling! did you get the carafe? no, but apparently i have cooties. there has to be some other solution. i've torn that book apart looking. literally. well, there's only one thing to do. i'm going to have to ask an aunt. might i suggest aunt bee? she was nice. hi. hi, sweetie. i didn't hear you come in. well, i'm in and i'm studying witch stuff and i need some help. sure. don't touch that green goo. it's a little radioactive. well, let's say a person put a spell on another person, and they thought that spell would end at a certain time, but it didn't. who'd you put it on? aunt zelda, it's hypothetical. so, how would you reverse this hypothetical problem spell?

where's aunt hilda? maybe she can help. she's with mr. kraft. really? willard, would you mind getting off the floor? i'm bored. then, why don't we talk? i really had a great time the other night. what are you doing? oh. here. ( blowing loudly ) ugh. ( imitating engine ) oh, here comes our food. here's your petite fillet. here's your chocolate sundae. anything else? more cherries. wish i was brave enough to order dessert for dinner. but then, i like my health. i want that. oh. i'm the same way. someone's food always looks better

oh, how romantic. are you okay? i want to go home. well, i'd like to finish my meal. i want to go home. stop that! would your date like some crayons? um, no, but could you just put a rush order on the cherries? sabrina. you know, these days a lot of restaurants will put leftovers in a bag for you. where's mr. kraft? oh, he's asleep in the car. the ride really tuckered him out. i'm tuckered out myself. ht. hold it. what spell did you put on willard? before you point fingers please remember one important fact-- sabrina put me up to it. are you going to finish that potato morsel on your collar? what are you making? it's an anti-youth potion. one part prune juice, one part miami beach tap water with just a pinch of buddy ebsen salt. sabrina: i'll give him the medicine.

you don't change people's personalities. and if you do, you don't mix it with caffeine. all right, mr. kraft let's get your dignity back. here comes the choo-choo train. choo-choo, choo-choo choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo. that noise is going on your permanent record, sabrina. what's going on here? how did i end up here? we were at dinner and you got sick and passed out. oh, dear lord, what happened to you? had to dive across the nachos to keep you from hitting your head. thank you. listen, i insist on buying you another dinner, and i'm not leaving here until you say yes. say yes. say yes. oh, all right. wonderful. sabrina... something very odd is going on here and i can't help but think that you were responsible. oh, well, you know, that could be sign of a concussion.

hilda... tuesday? mm-hmm. black angus night at the stockyards. if i come home with a steer it's sleeping in your bedroom. really? too much iced tea? it's the only thing my doctor could think of. here you are. detention? what for? new policy. detention is now based solely on personal resentments. hi, libby. libby, what's the matter? what's the matter? i thought you believed in the work of cheerleaders but it turns out that you are no more than an... an educator. libby, isn't that a little harsh? especially since you haven't seen this yet.

ding symposium. oh, mr. kraft, i'm... i'm all choked up. i'd give you something for your dry throat but i'm afraid our drinking fountain is still broken. well, looks like the mr. kraft we've always known and loved is back. yeah. it's nice to have lunch and lights and clean school. i guess we should be grateful for him. what the...?! now i'm grateful. you finally did it-and it was actually easy. who would have thought? you did what dad taught you to do- you took care of business. you made up your mind. got it done.

guaranteed acceptance life insurance: simple, affordable coverage for people age 50 to 75. massmutual designed it to help cover expenses all of us leave behind: funeral costs, medical bills, and other debts. how affordable is it? rates can start at less than $10 a month, with your choice of convenient payment options. policies range from $2,000 to $25,000, so you can choose an amount that works with your budget. your payments are guaranteed to never increase, and your coverage will never decrease- for a lifetime of coverage. and benefits are paid quickly to your beneficiaries when they need them. best of all, with guaranteed acceptance life insurance you cannot be turned down. there are never any medical exams or health questions, at any time. and it's from massmutual- a company that's been putting policyowners first for more than 160 years...

, in any industry. it offers your family help for the future. and gives you peace of mind today. you got the facts...got motivated...made your choice-then you made it happen. you did the right thing. the smart thing. and now, you're ready for almost anything. to learn more, contact massmutual now and ask about this important coverage. there's no obligation. call this number.

so i ruined the ski trip and turned the school inside out. isn't being grounded enough? why do i have to mix this stuff up? it's just zelda's way of teaching us to respect the laptop. why would she have me make limburger frapp?? oh, man, this stuff smells like something that's already been eaten. how bad could it be? it's just cheese. groans and moans ) oh, no. salem? aunt hilda! aunt zelda! help! salem's fainted! oh, salem, you are brilliant. easy, easy. don't choke.

i've done it! i'm on the road to one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs in the history of mankind. how incredible! you going to finish that toast? you know that formula i've been working on? i've found the key ingredient. licorice? don't be silly, sabrina. licorice won't cure allergies. it's ostrich saliva. the hard part is getting them to drool. let me see that. ooh! wow. one drop of that and the whole kitchen is spotlessly clean. the walls, the table, the counters... salem. i'm blond! my i.q. just dropped 20 points. blond, blond, blond. dead. ( laughing )