[ music ] >> okay, if you just joined us-- all right. my first guest... my first guest, of course, you all know. he's a super talent, very. sold over 50,000 records. uh, has one out titled, simply, "manilow." and as you probably know, he makes his acting debut in a tv film called "copacabana," which is based of course on his 1978 hit single. that's a movie featuring his music, which airs on, as i say another network, on december the third. would you welcome please,

[ cheering ] [ music ] there is somebody in this world somebody she was put on earth for me see i'm no exception i need real affection what's life worth living for if not to give it all ooh so i'm reaching out i'm in search of love ooh

that i'm dreaming of i can't keep up no i'm reaching out i'm in search of love been on my own for long enough well i'm going crazy only you can save me from the tears and loneliness girl i must confess that day or nighttime there is no right time for a heart to be alone i just can't go on ooh so i'm reaching out i'm in search of love ooh

i can't give up no i'm reaching out i'm in search of love been on my own for long enough [ music ] don't make me beg don't make me plead just go ahead and give me what i need can't you hear me calling out to you i'm reaching out i'm in search of love ooh you're everything that i'm dreaming of i can't give up no i'm reaching i'm searching i'm reaching out

in search of love love love [ cheers and applause ] [ indistinct chatter ] >> thank you very much! you got a nice crowd here. [ cheers and applause ] >> someday i hope i get a reception like that on a monologue. that's dynamite stuff, really. >> thanks. >> i do wanna thank-- our lighting crew has been in

and our sound crew, and the stage crew setting up and everything. it looks wonderful on screen. >> it looks beautiful. >> and bobby did a beautiful job. thank you, guys, all of ya. that was well done. [ applause ] let me do this first. we'll be back. stay where you are. we'll be back. [ applause ]

[ music ] >> okay, we are back. okay. [ cheers and applause ] it's been about 14-15 months since you've been here. >> right. >> you were starting on tour. and two days ago-- >> no, two days ago we ended the tour, so that's why i came back. we couldn't figure out any more places to play, so we came back. >> you say tomorrow you're leaving for japan? >> yeah. well, i'm, yes, i'm leaving for japan tomorrow. i just have a little tail end of this tour. i'm just gonna do a couple tv shows. i just did a duet with one of the superstars in japan,

the song i opened with. in japan, it comes out as a duet with a man named hideki saijo, so i'm going to sing it with him. >> i'm surprised julio iglesias hasn't gotten to you yet. >> really? >> yeah, for a duet or something. >> who knows. >> let's talk about the television movie. it's interesting. i've read reviews. most of them have been very good, but you said that you thought that the critics, the television critics, were gonna trash it or something. >> nobody's more surprised than i am to read-- >> yeah. why did you feel that way? >> well, you know, i've-- they've sort of beat me up over the years, you know? so i-- not that any of us pay attention to it, but i just sort of expected it. >> yeah. >> i sort of went, "okay, i'm ready. "come on." and, you know, i opened the papers, and they're really being real nice and very complimentary. well, the movie is great, but i didn't think that i would-- >> you cut the hair short. >> i cut the hair short for the movie. >> right. >> and i liked it. and i liked, so i let it-- [ cheers and applause ]

made for television in many, many years. >> not like this. this one is specifically made for tv, and it's taken after those big hollywood extravaganzas like "singing in the rain," and "easter parade." but you know, the big miracle about this movie is we still did it in the time it takes to do a movie of the week, which is 22 days. >> yeah, people forget that. >> well, this was an amazing thing. this should have taken six months to a year, the kind of production numbe >> i look forward to it. you've been-- you've been studying acting. yeah? >> yes, i've been studying acting. >> were you comfortable the first day you shot it? >> um... well, i was comfortable acting, i just-- it was just quite amazing. you're never prepared for the day they say, "action." >> yeah. >> and there are all the technicians around you, and extras, and they-- you're just-- you know, your heart is going that fast. but the first-- they don't do it in sequence. they don't film movies in sequence, which i always

because the first day i had this nice little scene with lola, annette o'toole, and then the next day they shot me. i die at the end of the movie. [ audience yelling ] it's only a movie. so the hardest part was the first day and the second day. the first day was getting over the fright, and the second day was, um, was dying. i was dying all day tuesday. >> i know the feeling. [ laughter ] we all have those days. >> no, we can go ahead if you'd like. the number, or this. whatever you think. >> i don't know. you wanna get the commercial out of the way first? why don't we do that, and then you're gonna do something from-- you're gonna do something from the tv-- don't pay no attention to that man at all. i have no idea who he is. he's been sitting there for months, and i don't know who he is. we'll do this and then we'll come back and do the number from the picture. there we are.

[ cheers and applause ] >> great. >> that's great. this, uh-- song you're gonna do is from the, uh-- >> is from "copacabana." >> it's from the tv movie, "copacabana." >> yeah, it's the song that, in the movie, tony, the character i play, he gets discovered. he gets his big break at the copacabana, and this is the song-- >> you play a kid from brooklyn? >> yeah. >> you better. >> yeah. >> it's all yours. [ cheers and ala [ music ] hey down there look at me now i'm flyin' high here i am heaven knows how

guess i'm just a lucky guy sweet heaven i'm in love again sweet heaven i'm in love again you came along now what can i do i only wanna be with you sweet heaven here i go again to toe again one minute i'm so lonely and then oh sweet heaven hey babe now that i found you life's a song say babe where were you hiding i've been

sweet heaven i'm in love again so totally in love again i'll shout it everywhere i go i'll sing it on the radio i want the whole world to know sweet heaven i'm in love again [ music ] sweet heaven i'm in love again sweet heaven i'm in love again you came along now what can i do i only wanna be with you sweet heaven here i go again i'm hooked from head

one minute i'm so lonely and then oh heaven hey babe now that i've found you life's a song say babe where were you hiding i've been waiting so long sweet heaven i'm in love again so totally in love again i'll shout it everywhere i go i'll sing it on the radio i want the whole world to know sweet heaven i'm in love

again >> okay. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] [ indistinct chatter ] >> great band, huh? [ cheers and applause ] >> you're right, that's-- yeah, you're right, that's right out of the ous that's showbusiness. >> that's it. >> which there's no business like. >> yeah, that's right. >> we'll do this, and then homer and jethro will join us. stay where you are. [ laughter ]

[ music ] [ cheers and applause ]

on another network, and i want to take a minute before dan and chevy come out to plug something that i am involved with in a way, because my production company did it. on nbc this monday night, from 8 to 11, we did the john and yoko ono story, which is the story of john lennon and yoko ono. it's not so much the story, although there's a lot of great beatles music in it, it really has to do with their relationship, when they met in london, and their last 14 years together, and the actor who plays john lennon is remarkable. his name is mark mcgann, and some of the scenes, i >> i've seen some of the promos. really eerie. >> yeah, it is. the young lady who plays yoko is kim-- kim miyori. so, anyway, that's 8:00 on nbc monday night, and i-- we're kinda proud of it, so we hope you watch it. now, my next two guests, you all know. they were two of the original members of "saturday night live," and they're co starring in a new movie called "spies like us." they're here to unashamedly plug it. [ laughter ] it opens across the country, this country, on friday december the sixth. will you welcome in any order you like dan aykroyd

[ music ] [ applause ] [ indistinct chatter ] >> welcome. >> how are you? nice to see you. >> how are ya? [ cheers and applause ] we brought our fun bags today. >> pay no attention to him. >> it is always nice to see in this cutthroat business called showbusiness there's no real competition. >> no, absolutely not. >> to see who gets to sit in this seat. and you won out. >> well, i'm a little taller. >> a little taller. >> well, here's this little problem, i didn't know whether to say chevy chase and dan aykroyd or dan aykroyd and chevy chase. now, i've seen ads for the picture. >> if you read right to left, i get first billing. [ laughter ] >> that's right. in a yiddish newspaper, you would be-- it would be great. >> yeah.

>> you'll actually see my name first. >> how did that work out? you are on the left-hand side now. >> i think it's just a reflection of-- >> the fact that i'm squatter. >> the fact that he's shorter, and i'm just a bigger name, i guess, really. >> well, we defer-- we defer to this man. after all, he got me started, and, uh-- >> no, it's-- what's this? >> that's, uh, mature padding. >> you know, i had to go through this recently with a film i'm doing with steve martin next. >> with-- let me just talk about this. >> go ahead, sir. >> in which-- in which my lawyer called me and said, "steve wants to have "first billing," and so they decided-- "steve will be here, "and you'll be above, "but on the right." and i said, "well, i don't care. "that's fine. it makes--" and my lawyer said, "well, look, if they don't care, "why don't we just put your "name there, and put his there?" and i realized lawyers do this, and before you know it, steve's gonna think that i asked for first billing, and i'm gonna think steve did. nobody ever does that.

it's the lawyers that do it. it's like a divorce. >> yeah. >> which i know you're familiar with. [ laughter ] >> i have lawyers-- i have lawyers living in the house full time downstairs on the intercom. >> i like to think that the title is the first billing, really, "spies like us." >> "spies like us," very good. sneaky, too, dan. [ laughter ] >> i like to, uh-- >> now, you guys work together. are you good friends? seriously. >> yeah, we really are. >> you see each other socially? >> this is a terrific man. well, he took care of me the whole-- the whole trip. we shot in the fjords >> yeah. >> and up in the-- down in camel breath, uh, morocco or wherever that was in the desert. [ laughter ] and he and donna, his wife, who's not a very nice looking girl-- [ laughter ] donna dixon. >> a regular ogre, too, i mean, yeah. >> they were like my parents because i didn't bring my family along. they're too young. they're very lovely people. >> your young daughter-- >> donna, come out here. [ laughter ] >> donna is in this movie, is she not?

from "bosom buddies," the series that was on with peter scolari and tom hanks, she was a comedian, very in her own right there. and she is wonderful in the film, and is, in fact, chevy's love interest, so i was away for coffee a lot during those scenes. >> but we didn't do anything, uh-- yeah. >> but i've kissed chevy, so i know it isn't anything too exciting. [ laughter ] don't fret their relationship. >> you told me before the show you weren't feeling up to par today. is that true? >> i just-- i'm better a little too much thanksgiving, and then a little too much you're welcomes. >> just put this on. i don't wanna get any germs. what is this? >> i don't know. look, i brought the fun bag today. [ laughter ] >> i wanna ask-- i wanna ask you a question. have you guys seen the new "saturday night live?" >> yeah. >> yeah. >> actually, i did one of 'em. >> what did you think of it? >> i thought mine was great. [ laughter ] [ applause ] no, and i'll tell you something. in fact, it's been ten years,

lorne michaels back. it has the same edge to it, and all of those qualities, just a different cast. i think it's not gonna be quite the same. >> what people have to remember, you know, when chevy left, we thought the show's gonna go downhill, and that was all over-- then belushi emerged, and after john-- >> you emerged. >> yeah, and after john and i left, we figured-- you know, people figured, "oh, it's all over." billy murray came out. after billy, eddie murphy came out. after eddie left, we had chris guest, joe piscopo, martin short-- >> who are they? [ laughter ] >> second city guys? >> yeah, so you know, the-- it's got a new lease on life. it's the new staff, and we have to support them. >> yeah. >> it's america's-- >> serious guy here. it's amazing. >> premiere sketch institution. it's the premiere institution for doing that type of scenes and the repertory has to grow. >> let's talk about the film. what was the question i asked? i forgot. >> i don't remember. >> freddy-freddy is going like this, which i assume means-- >> funny-- >> we have a-- as the guests normally want to do on this show, usually bring

>> well-- >> did you bring one? >> is the scene we're gonna see in norway? is it in morocco? >> which one is it? >> this is a scene, i think-- >> training sequence. >> is this training or exam? >> training, training. >> well, chevy and i in this movie play two guys who are buried in government service. he's stuck in a stale cubicle over at the state department. i'm in sub-sub-basement d-25 at the pentagon where guys who have ambitions and dreams, who want to advance-- and we're just stuck in bureaucracy, so we both walk in and write the examination, and we cheat on the exam and are picked for a horrible dirtbag intelligence mission. and here it is, the training sequence for all intelligence operatives. >> the clip is not as long as the setup, but here it is. >> this will verify your ability to stay afloat at high speeds. [ engine starting ]

we'll now begin with afpsr, air force passive strain response. you will not be required to exert yourself at all, only to survive aggravated body temperature measurement. >> woah! >> ow, ow, ow! hot, hot, hot! >> we will now determine your g-force threshold. just relax, gentlemen. >>ue >> piece of cake. [ whirring ] [ whirring intensifies ]

[ applause ] >> want some coffee? >> that's a good idea. >> you should do that line again. [ applause ] i don't think the audience-- i don't think they heard that last line. >> what was the last? >> let's do the last line. ready? >> uh-huh. >> want some coffee? >> want some coffee? >> that's a good idea. >> yeah, sounds like a good idea. let's go. >> so, it's a thinking man's comedy. >> yes, i can see. funny, funny clipsre >> yeah, it should be good. it should be good. we had a lot of fun doing it. john landis directed it. he brought us "trading places" and "blues brothers," and so it's an "a" product film. there's no question about it. i've done 'em "a," i've done 'em "b." this is an "a." [ applause ] >> you guys get the same amount of money for this, when you do a picture like this? >> well, uh, i think-- >> what'd you get? >> i, uh, i took my pay in jumpsuits. i-i-- look, i-- >> we both are

>> yes, i know that. highly underpaid. >> and we're underpaid, yeah. >> how's your baby? six months old now? >> now she's a year. she's-- oh, no, she's not a year. she's ten months. >> mm-hmm. >> every ten months, she-- i go a year. >> you were telling me last time how bright she was at six months. that was-- >> she's amazing. right now she's walking. she's doing a modeling over at ford. [ laughing ] >> and she just finished a calculus course at the university of houston, texas. >> she'll be married next year to, uh, webster. [ laughter ] >> have you started looking around-- one of my writers, mike barry, has got a child, just put in kindergarten or preschool, and the child had to go audition or have a meeting to see if he or she could get into the school, because people want to get their children in early. sometimes people before the kid is born now actually go to schools to see if their kid-- have you done this? >> yeah, we have, actually. >> this is the technique, of course, in england. you know, eton and oxford, you register the child pre-birth. >> absolutely. >> what do you say?

"uh, what do you think? "it'd be a nice kid, huh?" >> you have no children yet? >> not as yet. >> i mean, as far as he knows. >> maybe in the cards in a little while. donna and i are, of course, very busy working on these thinking man's comedies. >> of course. >> so, uh, but, you know, i think the gene structure is gonna hold up here. >> well, we certainly hope so. the picture you referred to is "spies--" >> "spies like us." "espions commes nous" in french. [ laughter ] >> nice to know. we'll be right back.

[ music ] [ applause ] >> all right. what a couch. well, if you watch "late night "with david letterman--" first the show, folks. now the book. yeah.

on the show, and he is also responsible for a special, and we're gonna hold him responsible for it, too. it's gonna air tomorrow night at 11:30, called "david letterman's holiday "film festival." would you welcome david letterman? [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] [ indistinct chatter ] >> thank you very much. for america. >> isn't it, though? >> sorry. >> stick around, boys. we're not gonna pay the band. [ laughter ] >> by golly, what a thrilling night for all of us. >> oh, yeah, did you have a nice thanksgiving? >> very nice, thank you. how about you? >> i'm stuffed. you know, it's tradition at our house-- every year we have the roast swan. it's great. the-- i love to see the kids fight over the neck. it's fun. [ laughter ]

>> thank you very much for having me. thanks for making room for me. >> our pleasure. >> good to see you, dave. >> thanks. nice to see you, chevy. you gotta run? [ laughter ] now you mentioned the book. >> yes, i did. >> let's don't beat it to death. let me see the book. >> i was-- >> originally this was gonna turn out to be a really nice thing. oh, by the way, can you see this? take a look at all that color. ooh. this, actually, johnny, should be on your coffee table. it's that quality. you know what they did? they printed 40,000 copies of this thing, and there are three pages of pictu without captions. stooge press put this out. it's a division of goofball publishing, and, uh-- you know, even the lowest publication gets captions with the pictures. "hustler" magazine has captions, you know? >> of course. >> "here the twins show how "they make friends in prison." yeah, that's good, okay. um... so we don't-- >> let me see that. i want to look at it. >> no, it'll come back to haunt us all. >> i was looking at that book this afternoon and it was very amusing. >> well, yeah, there's some funny stuff, but i just don't want to talk about it. anyway, they screwed up

if you've already bought the book, which seems unlikely, they got some kind of deal. you get a rebate. i don't know, or somebody will come to your home and read it to you. i don't know. >> is this and expensive tome if i wish to purchase this? >> it's like 8 bucks, 9 bucks. we like to think of it as another "tale of two cities," johnny. >> good, good. >> but i don't want to talk about the book. [ laughter ] i've seen into the future of transportation. i've peeked into the 21st century. >> oh? i came out here two nights ago through the aviation miracle of the airbus. that's right, the airbus. now, this is a delightful airplane. it was designed and built by the french and the germans. >> yes. >> and i think we all know what a loving and cooperative relationship those people have. um... it's, uh, it's called the airbus because one, it in fact looks like a bus. >> yes. >> two, it for sure smells like a bus. now, here-here's the difference. the airbus is not quite

>> does it have the strap handles, too? >> that kind of stuff, absolutely. like, ralph kramden is flying in this thing. >> is this a cheap-- >> oh, jesus, unbelievable, but it's so slow. like, if you fly on a regular plane, 747, new york to la. what, are we talking about, five and half? if you're late, maybe five-- 5:45? even six hours. the airbus, from new york to la, six hours and forty-five minutes. unbelievable, i mean, johnny, the whole trip, we were like this. >> what's for fuel, just air? >> i don't know what it gets, but the motto of course for the airbus is of course, "jet lag's not a problem "if you don't get there." [ laughter ] >> the wings. you can look out and the wings are flapping. >> yeah, that kinda deal. now, uh, you're saying to yourself, "jeez, dave, "this is fascinating, "but who would fly the airbus?" >> yeah. >> and i looked around and my observation was they got a contract with the government for transfer of prisoners, one.

flying are people who can't afford trailways. and three, would be serial killers. yeah, now-- so i'm sitting-- >> not a pleasant trip. >> no, i'm sitting next to the yammering psychopath, and the guy keeps dozing off on my shoulder, and he wakes up long enough to tell me that that very morning he had been released or paroled from prison. so i'm thinking, "oh, boy. "i can hardly wait. "seven hours on a plane "with a guy who has a grudge "against society." you know? [ laughter ] so now it's dinnertime, and they bring around the airbus snack, and it's sealed in a container like this. it's absolutely sealed, and you think, "well, this will be nice." like, i don't know, a day in the country. a little picnic. you pry it open with like a fire axe, and inside... [ laughter ] honest to god, they got like vanilla wafers and a container of hot mustard. >> nice. >> yeah, 'cause after all, it is the holidays. >> that's right. >> so, now-- [ applause ]

protein mass. now... if this had been a fishing trip, you'd call the captain and say, "oh, i'm sorry. "somebody put the chum in here "with my lunch." >> not a pleasant trip. >> i'm not done yet. >> oh, i see. you wanna give me a nod when you are? >> um-- >> i feel like george burns. >> so, uh, the plane was designed for people who don't fly much. >> right. >> and, in fact, for people who don't even know where the airport is. so "lavatory is occupied." you know, that's their way of saying, "all right, we know "the food is damn near "inedible, but apparently "it can be digested." [ laughter ] [ booing ] i'm getting close to booed there. >> that's right. >> so you go into the lavatory, which, by the way, is sloped. the interior wall is sloped like the outside of the plane, so whatever you have to do in there is a hookshot. [ laughter ]

thank you. [ laughter ] so, uh-- >> so? >> so you bring back the lid on the toilet, and there's a sign that says do not place metal or glass objects in the toilet. >> yeah. >> which always ruins the trip for me. i like to go up there-- [ laughter ] i'll wash a load of dishes if i can. [ laughter ] [ indistinct chatter ] >> it's a true story. >> does that about wrap up the airbus? >> we're done with the airbus. [ applause ] now, we have-- we haven't talked about this highly advertised special of yours tonight. >> you know, i just wanted to take a few minutes here, john, to talk about nbc. [ laughter ] first of all, this slogan. originally it was "be there." "nbc: be there." okay, they bring in a guy, the head of promotion here at nbc, paid him at least a half a million dollars. that's the truth. he and another guy. he was making about a half a million.

to "let's all be there." because he's thinking maybe there's some people in montana who are saying to themselves, when they see this promotion come on nbc, they're saying, "hmm, jeez, "i'd like to watch, "but are we included?" [ laughter ] >> so let's all be there. >> no, nbc is looking for a very exclusive group of viewers. not everyone is eligible. [ laughter ] so this guy changes it to "let's all be there." the slogan really ought to be, when nbc wasn't doing that great, it was "nbc: we're easy to spell." and i thought that was good. so that, now-- >> watch out, pbs. we're coming after you. >> that's right. so what are we doing here? >> you better plug this special. >> oh, i gotta get to the special. >> yeah. >> here's the deal. six weeks ago, nbc comes up to me, they say, "don, are "you still with the network?" i say, "yes, i am." [ laughter ] and they said, "we have-- "we have an opening for a show "november 30, 11:30.

"to do it." we did a show. we got a lotta people to make movies, and they're gonna come and show their movies. it turned out pretty nicely. >> we shall return in just a moment. [ cheers and applause ] you finally did it-and it was actually easy. who would have thought? you did what dad taught you to do- you took care of business. you made up your mind. got it done. that's how it feels to get guaranteed acceptance life insurance: simple, affordable coverage for people age 50 to 75. massmutual designed it to help cover expenses all of us leave behind: funeral costs, medical bills, and other debts. how affordable is it? rates can start at less than $10 a month, with your choice of convenient payment options. policies range from $2,000 to $25,000,

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there's no obligation. call this number. call now. [ music ] >> all right, before we say goodnight, all you people in montana also are invited. >> yeah, everybody's included, sure. >> that is tomorrow night. >> 11:30. uh, bette midler, harry shearer, michael keaton, andrea martin. >> let's all be there. and they'll be on the show. >> i hear it's great stuff. >> yeah, it turned out pretty nicely. >> tomorrow. all right, thank you, chevy, dan, and barry. thanks for being with us. good night.

? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ?

hi, ace. i, uh... look, if i'm interrupting anything here... larry, what do you want? i can come back. larry. do you want to spend the evening no, thanks, pal. i'd rather spend the evening with janet. well, i understand. some other time, perhaps. just a minute, larry. what do you mean you understand? hey, hey, hey, don't get upset. what two roommates do in the privacy of their own living room... just because chrissy went to visit her parents doesn't mean that jack and i... don't get so upset. break it up, guys. i want to go to bed early

oh, yeah, the diner. hey, look, if i drop in one night and tell the maitre d' that i'm a friend of the chef's you think i could get a nice table overlooking the garbage cans? maybe it is only a diner but it's going to be serving some very good food. the best. i'll tell you something else-- i'm going to add class to that place. only if you shaved your legs. oh, jack! i'll have a hamburger, french fries and a cheeseburger to go. hamburger, fries, and a cheeseburger on a trip. right. i'll have the blue plate special. one death wish. you got it. ( humming ) okay.

psheeoo! okay. mm, mm. mm, mm. hey, you're doing great, kid. you seem surprised. well, it is your first day, and things get a little hectic. well, don't worry about me. i cook very well under pressure. really? as a pressure cooker. you see, 'cause i'm cooking and there's press... it's nuts. a sense of humor. i like that. well... oh, we're going to get along just fine. take that. hi. hi.

can i help you? can i have orange juice, a sweet roll and coffee? you can have anything you want. i'd like a doughnut and a cup of cof... give me a chance, will you, buddy? can i get you cream and sugar in your cafe? franks and beans and shake and break a cowboy. shake and break a cowboy? western omelette. oh, of course. she'll take your order. excuse me for just a second. ( whistling ) franks and beans. oh. okay, yeah. break and shake a cowboy. we're talking about breaking and... why is it called breaking and shaking...? oop. oop. sh, sh. come here. take that. oh, excuse me. sorry.

oh, here. let me, uh, uh... ha-ha-ha. uh, mrs. marconi. yes, jack? i, uh... young man. yes? do you have a diet special? uh, diet special? yes, we do. e two of them. and a chocolate milk shake. two diet specials and a chocolate milk shake. ham and eggs, over easy, whole wheat toast. hey, where's my hamburger? you lost a hamburger? i didn't get it yet. you didn't get the ham... oh, well, i know where it is. i'd like a bowl of chicken soup. a bowl of chicken soup. uh, let me just get this out here.

let's see... the, uh, the beans and the franks. okay, we have to hang on here for a second. uh... uh... oh. and the, uh, dogs. the dogs. come on, dogs. get along, little doggie. is that right? okay. whoo! uh... i'll take that, jack. hey, you know what? you're doing fine. oh, thank you, mrs. marconi. ! whoo! whoo! whoo! sorry about that. hot stuff. thank you. you're...

i'm right on it. bawk! get it? here we go-- a little chicken soup-a-mente. okay, now, let's see. oh. hey, what's the matter with you? i just wanted to make sure this was the right soup. chicken, right? yeah. ooh! mrs. marconi... she couldn't keep her hands off me. oh, jack, you say that about every girl. this was not a girl. i was working for an octopus. janet, every time i turned around there she was hitting on me-- squeezing this, grabbing that. grabbing what? where do you usually get pinched? oh! "oh!" hey, you're really upset about this, aren't you? upset?

or because i'm so black and blue i can hardly sit down? why would i be upset?! i'm glad you're not upset. ( knocking ) come in! hi, jack. hiya, larry! how did things go on your new job? can't you tell? terrible. his boss kept hitting on him. that's disgusting. i hope you didn't let him get away with it. it's not a him. oh. what are you complaining about? would you like to see? don't look, larry. his little bottom is all black and blue. how do you know? he told me. you know, janet you wouldn't think it was so funny if your boss hit on you. that's what i keep telling him. listen, jack, the next time she tries something all you got to do is tell her you're not that sort of guy.

it's not his heart she's pinching. oh, you two are a big help. forget it. i'll take care of it myself. how? how? well, i'll just handle it my own way. what are you going to do, jack, turn the other cheek? uh, good night. thank you for coming. all right, bye. ( gasps ) my, you're jumpy today. really? i wonder why. well, here i am. huh? you said you wanted to talk to me. i did? oh. yeah, i did. mrs. marconi, why don't we go sit down over here? sure, jack. now, what's the problem?

i don't like being touched when i'm working. it-it-it makes... it-it-it-it makes me nervous. but you're not working now. well, uh... excuse me. it still makes me nervous. mrs. marconi, i like to do my job, nothing else. if i'm nervous, i won't be doing a good job which isn't fair to you. i mean, if i'm always looking behind me i can't see what's in front of me. i-i-i just can't work that way, that's all. of course i understand. you do? i understand completely. and you're fired.

next thing i know, she fired me. boy, that's awful. you should have kept your mouth shut. come on, larry. how would you like it if some woman was following you around all the time grabbing you everywhere

look who i'm asking. larry's right, you know. it was a mistake to say anything. it was a mistake for her to fire you. it's against the law. to fire a cook? no. it's against the law to fire someone who doesn't want to play games if you know what i mean. larry, who told you that? my secretary. i mean, uh... no, i just... i heard it through another salesman. ing and i... thanks for the coffee. well, what do you know? larry has finally said something that makes sense. i should have kept my mouth shut. no, jack. come on. this is a clear-cut case of sexual harassment. you could take your boss to court and get your job back. janet, just forget about it. okay? what happened to me was very, very embarrassing. i'd just as soon not have the whole world know about it. it's too late. you already told larry. are you kidding?

say anything. ( doorbell rings ) jack, you can't let her get away with a thing like that. hi. jack, that woman had no right to treat you like a sex object. sex object? mm-hmm. she only had you around for one reason only so why don't you make her pay for it? what's this? some woman's going to pay jack? you got to be kidding. mr. furley... what's she going to pay him with? fairy dust? mr. furley, did you want something? oh, i just found out about jack losing his job and i... where did you hear that? larry just told me. shut up. if there's anything i can do... you can help me convince jack to take his boss to court. to court? why? to fight for his rights. the only reason she fired him was because he told her

you're kidding. no, the woman was all over me. gee, how awful. so, you can see, mr. furley this is a clear-cut case of sexual harassment. are you sure? of course i'm sure. didn't you hear what we said? are you sure it's har-assment? yes. and not ha-rassment? what? some people say har-assment and some people say ha-rassment. e does it make? it makes a lot of difference. if it ever happens to me, i'll know how to pronounce it. would you mind terribly if we got back to discussing jack's problem? i thought that's what we were doing. oh! forget it, okay? i'm not going to court. i'm not about to make a fool of myself. jack, come on. better a fool than a coward. what's that supposed to mean? you sound like all those women who've been attacked

jack, you have to stop her before she does this to somebody else. if she pulled this with a guy like you could you imagine what she'd do with a regular guy like me? anyway, jack, you could get an attorney from county legal assistance and it wouldn't even cost you a cent. janet, for the last time, no. no lawyers, no courts, no nothing. think it over. i've thought it over! wait a minute! ght. after all, it's his decision. that's right. if he doesn't want to go to court that's his privilege. if he doesn't think his job is worth fighting for that's his right, too. it's a free country. but this apartment isn't. and if you don't have the rent by tuesday i'm taking you to court! so that's why i thought i'd talk to a lawyer, mr. higgins.

i think you've got a case. yeah, we'll take it. i hate to ask you again but are you sure it won't cost me anything? not a cent. boy, i sure hope i don't get my money's worth. oh, forget it. higgins, i just wanted to ask you... oh. jack, this is my boss. ms. callahan, this is jack tripper. tripper. that sex case. oh, higgins, that's just what i wanted to see you about. i intend to take this case myself. now, be a good boy and tell my secretary? right. will you give her this folder, please? oh... right. nice talking to you, mr. higgins. good luck. thanks. well... oh, sit down, mr. tripper.

well, it began the first day i... i started work at the diner. she started undressing me with her eyes. the way she looked at me... yeah, just like that. you got it down pat. poor, poor man. i'll tell you, it's been rough. i have a good idea. why don't you and i go and discuss your case over lunch. i know a wonderful little restaurant ( yelling ) counsel for the complainant, you may call your first witness. thank you. if it pleases your honor i would like to call mr. jack tripper to the stand. i thought jack was being handled

oh, your excellency, i'm ... i'm... i'm... raise your right hand. do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth? yes'm. you may sit down. now, mr. tripper would you like to tell us what happened on the 10th of june? no. it... it's just so terribly personal. i know this is embarrassing but would you please answer the question? okay. it was the first day i started work and i knew... would you speak up a little, please? it was my first day at work... louder! okay, it was... it was my first day at work and every time my boss came near me

did the defendant grab you? all over. all over? yeah. behind the counter in the storeroom, by the front door... once by the grill where i was cooking hamburgers. i almost burned my buns. mr. tripper, did you at any time let your employer know how you felt about her sexual advances? yes, sir, i did. that... that's when she fired me. you mean she fired you when all you did was object to being pinched and grabbed and caressed? in other words, you lost your job when you let her know you were unwilling to submit to this sexual harassment. overruled. objection. i have no further questions. oh, bless you. just a moment. i have a question, if you don't mind. no, sir. yes, sir. isn't it true my client fired you because she wasn't

jack never even touched her! ( gavel banging ) judge: order! didn't you drop a bowl of hot soup in a customer's lap? didn't you nearly set fire to the diner? yeah, but... can you deny you're making up this whole wild story just to cover up your own incompetence? no. i mean, yes. janet: that's a lie! jack would never make up a story like that. he's much too sweet and innocent and he's very shy. you seem very concerned about this witness. oh, i ought to be. we've been living together for four years. you have? please, your honor she's just trying to help. i hope you don't get the wrong idea about what she said. just because he lives with two girls doesn't mean anything wrong is going on. two girls? yeah, two girls. no, i know what you're thinking, your honor, but... as a matter of fact, everyone thinks that jack is... your honor, could you please

denied. for dismissal. mr. tripper's personal life does not concern us here. the only issue we have today is the complainant's charge of sexual harassment. now i'd like to ask you something, mr. tripper. oh. yes, ma'am. mr. tripper, can you tell me if at... that's a very nice cologne you're wearing. what's it called? uh... mating call, i believe. mating call, hmm? how quaint. well, i'm glad you like it. do you always wear your shirt open like that? huh? oh... uh... and those trousers... aren't they rather tight? tight? you think they turn women on? you think they make you irresistible, don't you? irresistible? yes. you are all alike. sauntering around town with those tight trousers and those open shirts, reeking of animal musk flaunting yourself in public and when some poor woman makes the slightest response you act surprised. reeking? you're just asking for it!

and you put on some decent clothes! case dismissed. just a minute, here! just a... hold it! i can't believe my ears! i can't believe my eyes! you've got jack here figured out all wrong. don't you worry. i'll get her to change her decision. thanks, mr. furley. how you going to do that? let me handle it. your honor, there's been a great miscarriage of justice here. i beg your pardon? shh! go on, mr. furley. just look at him. can't you tell he's innocent? you don't accuse a man of hit-and-run who's never even driven a car.

what are you talking about? i'm talking about, you know your problem. oh, no, no, no. now relax, jack. i'm going to win your case for you. if you're trying to mislead this court you have another thing coming to you. i know a woman-chasing playboy when i see one. well, yes, i do have my reputation about jack here. i tell you, your honor, believe me jack could never lead a woman on because he's...

- roper? - i win, i win! - you want to count that? - roper, what do you think you're doing? - don't get nervous brooks i'm just i'm just teaching david how to pitch pennies. - oh, is that all? - and this morning, he taught me how to shoot craps. - in the house! - see you later, mr. roper. - see you david , oh brooks - what? - what? - well if you hadn't come out the door and told me just as i was about to - oh ann okay upstairs and wash your hands. up, up, up. - what is it? - he's a menace ann, we've got to get rid of him. - david? - roper. pitching pennies, shooting craps, the next thing you know he'll be betting on the horses. he's at a very

- david. ann, i don't like the idea of our son learning those things from stanley roper. - you're right, a boy should learn those things from his father. - that's right no ann, this is serious, that man is always around, every time i open the door he's there, like smog. anyway, i thought he was supposed to get a job. - david? - roper, would you be serious. hard time finding the kind of work that would suit him. - i'm not surprised, there's not much of a call for zombies. - jeffrey, couldn't you find something for him at your real estate office. - yes i can, a home about 100 miles away from here. - you did say you were understaffed. - oh ann, he has no experience, no references, no qualifications, he has no charm, no personality. he's a

properly, he scratches himself, he's lazy, shiftless, unpunctual and unemployed. - you don't like him do you? - i didn't say that. - well, as long as mr. roper's not working, david will always have someone to play with. - but then again, how important are qualifications, personality, references. - good, then you'll find him a job. david a chance for a a normal childhood. i'll get on it first thing in the morning. - can i go see the lady wrestlers with mr. roper? - i'll get on it right away. - stanley, are you drinking beer in the can again? - no, i'm drinking it right

- something to keep us fit. - why? - stanley, it's time we got some exercise. you know, at our age the body begins to rundown. - my body isn't run down. - i know, it never got wound up. look look at these stanley stanley, you left before i was finished. you're making a habit of doing that. on. - no, don't don't turn on the tv. - what? - all you do is watch television hour after hour. - are you kidding, i read the paper too. - only to see what's on television. look stanley i got i got these for us and i want you to use them. - what for? - the only way to keep the body firm is to exercise it.

- i know you don't, that's why i got you these. - it's a waste of money, my body is in great shape right now. - here. [doorbell ringing] - oww, oww, oww - oh, mr. brooks. - oh mrs. roper, is everything all right? - oh yeah, yeah, that that was just the dumbbell. - oh, i thought it might be. could i speak with him? - thank you. - ah roper! - what do you want? - well, business is booming down at the office and i'm looking for a man to assist me on the sales staff. - i don't know anybody offhand, but i'll keep my eyes open. - stanley, you don't understand, he's offering you a job. - oh, a very important job in real estate. - oh yeah? - oh yes, putting out for sale signs and actually placing flags in front of the open

know he can. - just a minute, do i look like a slob who washes windows? you've got a lot of nerve brooks, coming in here with your nose in the air, looking down at us, embarrassing poor helen here, - what? - insulting helen by offering her husband a degrading job, you should be ashamed of yourself. - stanley, why are you doing this? don't mind - well, all right, if you can afford to turn away good money. but fair warning, you're not getting one more cent from david. - oh stanley, i've never been so ashamed in my life. - me too, the nerve of that guy. - i'm talking about you. - do you think i'm going to accept the first thing that comes along and then live to regret it?

- look stanley, if you don't get a job, we're going to use up all the money we got from selling the apartment building and then what'll we do? [doorbell ringing] - we'll sell this house, and then live off the money from that. - oh ethel! - helen! - hubert. - helen. - stanley, my sister's here. curtsy? - oh, that's a pretty caftan. - oh thank you. - my maid has one just like it. we were in the neighborhood and well, we couldn't leave without stopping to say hello. - why not? - we just got back from lake arrowhead and you will never guess what we bought. - lake arrowhead? - close. - a cute little vacation

- we hope you'll drop in. - would you like to sit down? - let me hang your coat up dear. - no, not yet. - what can stanley get you to drink? - oh, i would love a tequila sunrise. i drank nothing else when we were in barbados last month. - yost were wearing that thing. - oh you noticed. - can i hang it up now? - in a moment. it's sable. - i know, stanley has a paintbrush just like it. - tequila sunrise, what's in that? - tequila. orange juice, triple

- oh stanley, the ingredients are right there, right under your nose. - grenadine, triple sec - oh, honestly. - don't go putting on airs ethel, you know perfectly well they haven't got two krugerrands to rub together. - i don't know what you're talking about. - there, you see, right there on the lower shelf. - helen, i was just telling hubert, you and stanley must go to barbados on your vacation, unless you've made other plans. - yeah, well well we'd really had sort of planned on sort of staying home this year. we enjoy it. - you must, you stayed home last year and the year before that - ethel, cut it out. - don't forget ethel, i'm not the president of my own company like hubert here.

helen and i lead a life that is simple, modest and homely. - oh god. - good lord, what is this? - i didn't have any tequila so i had to use beer. - of all the stupid things! - the man's not a bartender ethel, it was a natural mistake. no wonder he can't find a job. - oh, for heaven sakes ethel, if the right opportunity comes along i'm sure stanley will snap at it. - that's right! - and who's going to give him this big break? - i am. - that's right what? - you're coming into the meatpacking business with me, stan. - he isn't. - he is. - he is?

- what what's he like to work for? - he's very nice, flowers on your birthday or chocolates, sometimes he takes you out for dinner. - i'd like that. are you his secretary? - i'm one of them, he has another one who does the typing and filing and things like that. - what do you do? i mean her office. would you like some coffee? - i'd like a couple a cup of coffee. want to send those bank

for those who want to travel first class. lah di dah. - good morning stanley. - oh, i like your chair. - i think you'll like this one even better. helen just called, she's inviting us over for dinner tonight. - you and me? - ethel and me. - that's her way ay you, my stomach said you're welcome for a week. well, i suppose you're anxious to get started. - on what? - oh oh the job. i i like my workers to wear coveralls. - and you want me to tell them? - don't bother. let me see i

would be as good a place for you to start as any. - sorting department, that sounds interesting. - oh it is, you'll be separating livers, spleens, hearts, lungs, various organs. - i don't think i can do that. - not at first, but it's easy to pick up. - i mean i mean my back and all. besides, helen and me, we don't need that much money. - i thought you and helen - no, you need the money, i mean your fancy cars and and weekends and acapulco, things like that. - what? - but helen and me, we don't live like that. - stanley that was private. - yeah, until ethel start blabbing at dinner tonight. - b b believe me, she won't say a word about it. - well, that'll be a first. - i'd appreciate it if if you didn't mention it either. - why? - well to tell you the truth,

- well, of course it's strictly a business trip but ethel just wouldn't believe that. - you wear a purse? - my secretary bought it. - and she let you use it? - it's an executive purse. - coffee. i made one for you too, hubie. - thank you, miss cooper. - who? oh i get it. oh, by the way hubie, i'll be leaving a little early for lunch today - fine. - so i can pick up some new luggage. - a business trip, huh hubie? - that's right. - well don't you worry about a thing, i won't say a word. - thank you.

- is that you stanley? - is that you helen? - what are you doing here? - i live here remember. - no, i mean what you doing home so early. - oh well well that thing didn't work out as planned. - what's that? - what's what? - i mean i couldn't hear what you said before. - then we're even, i never talked to a foot before. - this is this isd circulation. - that's true, the blood went right to your eyes. - what did you say about your job? - i didn't get it. - but hubert promised. - well hubert doesn't have the last word. - you mean ethel turned you down? - not ethel, the union, the union wouldn't let him hire me. they said it was some sort of technical problem. - oh stanley, how could you? - me? - every time i think something

and have a technical problem. - i can't tell you how sorry i am, i had no idea it would be such a problem hiring stanley. - oh, we were so disappointed. - yeah, i think i'll borrow some ice happy days are here again, the skies above are clear again his disappointment. - it's a habit he picked up from me. - david, how about a game of checkers before dinner? - no thank you. - say you you weren't you weren't chewing on that pillow were you, because you look a

feeling well? - he's fine, he's been doing his homework all afternoon. - homework, that's wonderful. [doorbell ringing] you see, you see what happens when roper's not around. ahh roper, back from the long days toil? - what? - come in, come in. - i need some ice. - of course you do, a man needs a cold refreshing drink after a tell him how good he looks. - how did the job go? - oh that, i didn't take it. - what did you say? - i didn't take the job, you see what - of course i see, why work when you can sponge off your neighbor. grow your own ice. - jeffrey get the ice. - there, try some of this

be green? - oh yeah, stanley likes ketchup in it. - hubert, what is this? - huh? - first-class airline tickets and hotel accommodations for acapulco? - huh? - hubert it. - what have i spoiled? - my surprise for for stanley and and and helen, you know to make up for the job. i i i thought it would be a very nice gesture from you and me, a nice charitable gesture. - charity from me to helen? i like it. but why is the room booked in our name, mr. and mrs. armbruster?

remind me to never use him again. oh helen ethel has something to give you. - yes, a little surprise, i was just telling hubert you've been looking so tired and drawn lately, and well, since you can't afford a decent vacation, here. - acapulco? a holiday for two oh thank you, thank you. - that brooks, whenever he lends you something he acts like he's doing you a favor. - stanley stanley look. - i never saw this before in my life. - of course you haven't,

not going to acapulco with your

- what kind of a deal? - never mind helen, i think he's upset. - upset, i'll show you upset. - no, i said i want to know what kind of a deal! - i promised i wouldn't give stanley a job and he promised - we know what he promised. - let me at him! - hubert stay! - oh stanley, how could you! you lied to me about that job! now there's no vacation, no anything except

any time together? - oh, i don't know, i guess since we were little girls at summer camp. - oh yes, we had a wonderful time, remember. - you set fire to my braids. - and we'll have even more fun this time in acapulco. - well, why not, i'm sure our husbands wouldn't object. - of course i object! - me too! - unless they'd like us to stay here and remind them of of how they tried to trick us. - remind them every hour, on the hour. - could you pick up a little

- ethel! - helen!

i'll host an "eye on sorcery" special on the upcoming witches council elections. richard langston is my favorite anchorman on the witch channel. he's so trustworthy. this just in from the department of health, education and magic: he's a free-range anchorman. there have been confirmed reports of a finger flu epidemic. the flu, which affects your pointing finger, can be contagious. so be sure to bundle up those fingers. did you guys look outside this morning? it's so sunny, it's almost like spring. and you're wearing a very nice spring outfit. only thing missing is... mittens? the last time i wore mittens everybody teased me. almost ruined kindergarten. there's a finger flu alert. as a young witch, you're highly susceptible to it. okay, i know you guys mean well but what's worse than wearing mittens in school?