sabrina, it's valentine's day. wear red to the dance. yeah, 'cause no one else will have that idea. sabrina: hey, there's ken. i'll bet he followed you here. stop it. hi, ken. valerie! what do you think? ( valerie giggles ) he loves you. yeah, and that was him asking me to marry him. hey, val, you should get this dress for the dance. that way you'll be ready if, uh... let's see, who might ask you? kenny-poo? this is a great dress. oh, look at the price. ouch. oh, well, my mom's plaid formal has a certain charm.

hey, val, you didn't see this tag. wow, 20% off! with a sale like this i might be able to afford an even better dress. val, this one. i-i think it's a president's day sale and all the other dresses are... canadian.

sabrina: i'm on my way, val, as soon as i find my red sweater. i'm reading. yes, i've been listening to what you said. let me recap: "ken, ken, ken, ken, ken." see ya. salem, my sweater!

hey, i was as shocked as you. we have a major moth problem. oh, by the way zelda and i are chaperoning the school dance friday. what?! why don't you just hang a big "nerd girl" sign around my neck? okay. nobody likes a house where you can't speak figuratively. ( doorbell rings ) hello, sabrina. um, actually, i was... my aunt hilda is right in there. "nerd girl" sign. zelda: what can we do for you mr. kraft? um, well, uh, i heard you were chaperoning so i thought i'd drop off the dance rules. be careful driving home. our street tends to be slick. you know, i will be at the dance myself, and... i was just thinking you know, if the kids are under control, and... there's a slow dance...? especially watch the dip at the bottom of the hill. it's very dangerous. okay, i will.

there's no... racketeering? we have to get dates, or you have to kill me. do you have any more money? we don't have enough for a tip. i think i'm wiped out. let me see. there. 50 cents. think it's the thought that counts? ( sighs ) hi, mrs. popowski. salinas. wow! two whole quarters. won't have to sweat the rent this month. emergency! we just ran out of money once, i'm actually being fun. we're tapped out. oh... great. ken's leaving. ( bell dings ) hey, val! we won some free ones. i shall have to postpone my victory dance! ooh! my lucky day. got to call the mister. it's steak tonight. where's my algebra book?

roland?! give me that! you're a finder, not a taker. not anymore. i've changed careers. i'm an equalizer. by the way, you look lovely. a what? an equalizer. you take from someone, i take from you. it evens things out in the universe. and this job has dental. what have i taken? you took 20% off a dress i took 20% of your sweater. you took pinball games, i took your algebra book. a, who is this gentleman? roland, m-my... cousin. and who's this bozo? your new boyfriend? our vice-principal. roland, perhaps you missed the sign stating that all visitors must report to the office before wandering aimlessly around the school grounds. are you implying that i can't read? oh! sorry, he's hypoglycemic.

hey, sabrina... oh, look who it is. farm boy. isn't this your aunts' friend that i met last year? if that's who i said he was. want to make something of it, farm boy? not really. i just wanted to tell sabrina something about the dance on friday. ooh! are we going to the dance together? mind if i throw up? what i wanted to tell you was that... ( bell dings ) i can't go to the dance. i have to accompany my dad i can't believe i forgot about it. i don't even remember hearing about it. okay, we're up to the "zs" and so far, every man we know is either married, busy or disgusting. several were all three. what's wrong with you? you've got a date for valentine's day. not anymore. i'm being equalized. ( gasps )

so i wasn't stealing, per se. i was just trying to help valerie. we understand, but it was still wrong. i took belgium once to help napoleon. big trouble. what do i do? i have to get rid of roland. you have to give back the things you took. i'll zap the dress into the store and some money into the pinball machine and goodbye, love-smitten equalizer. when you're equalizing you have to put forth more effort. basically, you have to give things back by hand. which is how i came to participate in a little thing called waterloo. let me get this straight. you felt so bad about the other night that you came all the way down here to give me money to give to the pinball machine man. if you don't mind. no, of course not. the pinball man is always running himself ragged bringing you kids extra napkins or refilling your free drinks.

so you don't mind. hilda: well, i think we should. i'm against it. that guy gives me the willies. fine. you're the one who wants a date. you're right. okay, let's do it. "love is special, love is alive. send me cupid for 5.95." ( sobbing ) you look awful. hilda. it's his busy time of year. oh, that's not it. i was just left at the altar. my fiance ran off with a policeman. she never could resist a man in clothes. it's a formal wedding. had enough. getting out of the love business. there you go. one debt erased. but i can't ask valerie to return the dress. she loves it too much. you could sew a duplicate. sew? i can't even staple correctly. sewing's easy. i just sewed a bedskirt last weekend. do your aunts have a sewing room?

what, a loom is too high-tech? i can't do this. all witches can spin. just sit down and give it a whirl, so to speak. why do i have the eerie feeling you're going to tell me your real name is rumpelstiltskin? this will make you believe in love again. "what can you say about a 25-year-old girl who died?" good riddance. ( phone rings ) hello? hi, valerie. i'll call sabrina. sabrina? is there any leftover pie? hmm, valerie, she'll call you back. hey! yes, there's pie. this is great. i think i may have found my old age hobby. wow, i never noticed how inviting this spinning wheel spindle is. do you think it will prick me?

...and this is my lovely bride. all: ooh! ( snorts ) touch it! touch it! ( gasping ): stop! how dare you try to prick sabrina's finger what?! i was only going to keep her for a century. what?! you know very well that sleeping beauty spells are illegal ever since, well... sleeping beauty. hold it. i thought we settled this last time. i'm not interested in marrying you. dating? fine! but we're still not square. "see how she lays her hand upon her cheek." ken just found out he got the part of romeo in the school play.

if he doesn't ask me i can always assume that it slipped his mind but if i ask him, and he says "no" no amount of delusion will fix it. why don't i feel him out for you? as long as you lie about anything negative. absolutely. hi, ken. sabrina. "what light through yonder window breaks?" uh, explosion in the chem lab? listen, i was just wondering if you were taking anyone to the dance. i'd lovest to go. no... valerie! valerie... stole a mortal's heart, eh? no, he was just goofing. sabrina, you took his heart, i'm taking yours. ( gasping )

sabrina, are you going to the dance with ken? wait for me, my darling! okay, you can look. i love it! it's not as big as a castle but i'm more at home under a bridge. what's that sound? ( hooves pounding ) oh, that's just the billy goats crossing. oh, um, that's just my old girlfriend, thumbelina. well, the picture has to go. you're all mine now. yes, ma'am! so, um, what do you want to do? gaze lovingly into your eyes. okay. oh, come on. you've got to cheer up. i need a date

so, how goes it with diaper dan? it's more challenging than building the panama canal but then, less malaria. look. what? you're fighting a yawn? a smile. y-you told a joke and... it made me smile. i've seen bigger on a lutheran. i-i can't believe it! i thought i'd never smile again. you're cured! hallelujah! now, there's the most adorable fireman down the street. it all to you... hilda... my hilda. uh-oh. ( doorbell rings ) i'll get it! hello, hilda. great! one more gentleman caller and we can just put on the glass menagerie. who's he? who's he?! i am someone who has the decency not to wear a diaper in front of a lady. what...? oh...! get your hands off her...

about your niece's strange behavior in school with her cousin. both: cousin? roland. roland. i have a bad feeling about this. i'm going to call valerie. i'll help her. afraid to show your legs? she's not at valerie's. the other realm. let's go. ( groaning ) you... go. you... come. but why does he get to...? oh... man! why did you bring him along?

i made you a personal pan pizza. is there anything else i can do to make you ecstatically happy? uh... pepper flakes? cupid: wait up, hildie! hilda: go away! zelda: maybe we should have ditched him at stuckey's. that sounds like my aunts. aunt zelda. aunt hilda. cupid? he's in love with me. ignore him. we're here to rescue you. rescue me? but i love it here. i love this moldy home. i love roland. okay. what have you done to her? i think i know, sweetie. i am in the love biz. he's taken... her heart. it was a fair deal. she stole a boy's heart, i took hers. you are not allowed to equalize for your own benefit. give it back-- now. no, i don't want it back. i want my rolly to keep it forever and ever. did you also give her a saccharine pill? sabrina has spoken. now if you'll excuse us

and there's not enough entrails for everyone. that's right. hilda! love of my life! oh, no. not another one. roland! sabrina! the other love of my life. ( whimpering ) ( screaming ): help me! i love you! why did you hit me with that arrow? so that you would see it's wrong to mess with people's hearts. unless you're a licensed professional. give sabrina's heart back-- now. i will. if you'll grant me one favor. it better not involve me and a trip to make-out point. i will grant you one request-- within reason-- but first, the heart. no, i don't care if he does love hilda. i still want roland.

out of a sheep's stomach! you sure you don't want to stay? very sure. but if i change my mind about living in hell with a man i can't stand, i'll let you know. i'm out of here. how about you? not if you were the last troll living under a bridge on earth. don't worry. it was only a cheapo infatuation arrow. it will wear off by sundown. good. my feelings, however, are the real thing. now, roland, what is your request? ( up-tempo dance music plays ) can't believe aunt zelda granted your wish to come to one dance with me. can i spin you again? no! i'm still mad at you for taking harvey away. boy, you really know how to hold a grudge. i'm going to go request another disco song so we can bump. so how's your date working out? okay. he's not so bad once you put pants on him. zelda: yeah. maybe he should have taken the diaper off first.

hi. hi. listen, val, i... look, sabrina, i'm not mad at you. it's not your fault ken doesn't like me. i don't think it's my fault. good for you! hey, if you want to dance, i'll share roland. in fact, i'll give you five bucks to take him off my hands. great. there's ken. how did you spot him? miss birckhead... this is a social event. will you stop that? i know these are practical but, darn it, fashion means something to me. mind if i borrow your date? okay, but bring him back if there's a slow song. i don't want to look like a loser. okay. see that girl over there? yeah. okay, i want you to work your magic to make him attracted to her. oh, shoot! you didn't bring your arrows. hilda wouldn't let me. never fear. i brought a pea shooter

t. it'd be a waste of a pea. you mean there's no hope for those two? there's no need. that boy is already crazy about that girl. he's just shy. ken, shy? some people cover up shyness with bravado. well, the job requires a certain amount of... psychology. well, if it's true that ken likes val then maybe there is a little something i can do. want to dance? i'd love to. i've been wishing you'd ask. miss birckhead, that punch will not serve itself. thanks. excuse us. would you give zelda a little evening's affection? look, i don't want to be working all night.

oh, dear lord. two birds with one stone. zelda's happy and that goob is no longer fishing in my creek. gross! to what you just said and gross to what you just did. may i have this dance? oh, yes. the deal was one dance. i know. i want to apologize. i was wrong to try and steal your heart through magic. that was nice. roland, i like it when you're nice. so we're engaged?! no! look, i want to equalize what i did to you. you're going to set up a large trust fund? no. harvey! i can't believe i thought i had to go to a father/son termite convention. according to my dad, there is no such thing. now that you're here, you want to dance? you bet.

? i'll be your dream ? ? i'll be your wish, i'll be your fantasy ? ? i'll be your hope, i'll be your love ? ? be everything that you need ? ? i'll love you more with every breath ? ? truly, madly, deeply do ? ? i will be strong, i will be faithful ? ? 'cause i'm counting on a new beginning ? ? a reason for living ? ? a deeper meaning, yeah ? ? i wanna stand with you on a mountain ?

( country and western music plays )

hilda's still not back from her audition? no. that's spanish for "no." i hope she got the job. it's hard for her to find a place to play around here. her musical talent is a wonderful gift and she needs to bore other people with it. let's face it-- classical music isn't the gravy train it used to be. it's not like the golden age-- vienna in the 1700s. in those days there were more orchestras than consumption wards. and you were never ostracized for eating a dead rat in public. aunt hilda's so talented, i'm sure she got this job.