hi-ho jerry silver, away! ah, alright i'll stay! (laughter) hi-ho jerry silver, away! ? never gettin' caught up ? love was never brought up ? it's not the thing to do. ? ooo it was you, then came you ? i never through forever was the best i could do ? then came you ? it was you and me and you

- [george] don't you think you're a little over dressed to be going to an amusement park darling? why don't you be a kid? wear a pair of jeans. - these are jeans, they just happen to be silk. and the only reason that you are casting aspersions on my appearance re jealous that you can't go. (feigns laughter) me jealous? why should i be jealous? just because you and web and his friends get to go on fun outings and i don't. - oh come on sweetheart, you took them on a fun outing last week. - yeah, potato museum. - there you go. - oh you think a potato museum is fun? we're talking all afternoon on the history of the spud. - yes! and on the way out you got your own individual potato

but how can you compare that with cotton candy and hot dogs and i love amusement parks? - then darling, cancel your interview and join us. - i would if i could but i can't. you know, when you're dealing with a man by the name of bill the hitman kazatsky, you never know if you're gonna see him again. - i beg your pardon? - he's a baseball player. - oh, well that certainly clarifies things. - he's the lousiest hitter on the team, right? he lets the pitcher hit him with the ball and he gets an automatic walk. - you know that is the stupidest thing i ever heard? - katherine, he is not stupid. he's a strategist, he's a genius! (audience laughter) - where are you gonna interview this genius? the studio or the ball park? - the neurology wing at the sisters of hope hospital. he had a slight concussion yesterday during an exhibition training. (audience laughter) doctor said he's gonna be alright though.

- hi guys! - hi sweetheart. what do you want for breakfast? - that's okay, i'll get it. (audience laughter) - i love it when you do that champ. if you were as big as i was, you'd be up to your drawers in wood chips. (audience laughter) - george, if i were your size, i wouldn't have to do this. - right. - anybody want anything while i'm up here? - oh i could go for some figs and some prunes. - pitted or unpitted? - well i'd like the ones without the pits in 'em. they're um, they're um-- - pitted. - right. what time is it? - [katherine] (gasps) almost nine. - ooops, then i'd better hurry. the guys'll be here soon. i can't wait for the roller coaster ride. it's my favorite.

- what is the matter george? - oh i'm just trying to get you guys in the mood. (chuckles) - yeah, george always screams like that. even on the merry-go-round. - well some of those horses are pretty scary, you know? especially the ones that go up and down. i mean i do hang a little low in the stirrup. (audience laughter) - ma'am, - not if i have you beside me. - she's gonna scream. - we don't know that. - it's okay, ma'am, you're supposed to scream. - yeah, it's part of the fun. - besides, you won't always have me beside you. i mean, when a guy goes with his friends, he can't go with his... i mean i'm gonna wanna ride with you,

s very sweet of you darling, but quite unnecessary. a calder-young never shows fear. we do not shriek, we do not scream. at most, we summon an attendant to remove us from a fearful situation. always calm, ever dignified. - take her on the tnt. the tumble tilt. just when you start to think you're gonna tilt, no! you start to tumble. and then you're wondering if you're gonna live or not, katherine, katherine, katherine. i get scared to death just thinking about it. (doorbell rings) - oh, they're here. - guys, i'll get it! i'll get it. come on ma'am. - you're gonna scream katherine. - [katherine] never! - your guts out. (audience laughter) (playful music) - [katherine] hi, we're home. - hey, how did it go? - did you win me a cupie doll? - huh uh, how 'bout a lei?

so? how was the rollie coaster? - fine. - fine, just fine? come on, it was terrific. was i right or was i right? - you're right george. - did you take her on the tilt-n-tumble? - oh yeah. - did she scream? - no. - katherine, you're a spiteful woman. - hey, i gotta be me. how was your interview? - was unforgettable. (audience laughter) evision. you wanna come watch it with me? come on. - i think i'd rather go to my room. - i get it. it's been a long day for you hasn't it? zillions of rides, all those hot dogs. oh boy, wish i coulda been with ya champ. wish i coulda been with ya. you're exhausted, right? - yeah, that's it. - nonsense. it is too early in the day to be exhausted.

- katherine, if he's tired, he's tired. let him go to bed, he's a little kid. - see? - honey. - please let me go to my room. - okay. - what, what's all that about? i mean you guys went to an amusement park. so how come you don't look amused? - well you lucky duck. he must have had a blast. - george, you are missing the point. he didn't wanna go on all those rides with me. - well then why did you make him? - i didn't make him! that is the rule of the amusement park. children 42 inches or smaller cannot go on the rides without an adult. webster is under 42 inches. his friends aren't. - then you measured his friends?

you are too small to go alone. it took him four rides before he accepted the fact that he was stuck with me. - wasn't there any rides he could ride on his own? - (sighs) the merry-go-round. and all the other rides for five year olds or under. oh i tried to talk about it, you know all the way home. - web? web. - i'm here george. - uh huh. - bet you can't do this. - bet you're right. - none of my friends can either. - were they rough on you today? - i guess. - was it the teasing? - no.

so what do they call you? - mostly shorty, but there's other stuff too. - i wanna know the names, the phone numbers and the addresses of all your friends because i'm putting them in jail for 43 days and two nights. - [webster] george. you know sticks and stones. - yeah. - yeah. - they called me lumpy. - why? (george laughs) - 'cause i had lumps where i shouldn't of. (laughs) - yeah, sorta like fat freddy. - yeah. (sighs) - yeah. - so, with sticks and stones and all that kinda stuff,

m in the 3rd grade. and some of the kids in 1st grade are bigger than me. i mean my friends are outgrowing me by a mile. and i can't do the stuff they're doing. what if they stop wanting to play with me? - so who needs 'em? - i do, george. even though they tease me, they're still my friends. - yeah. they're still gonna be your friends. and webster it may be taking a little longer, you're gonna grow. you're gonna catch up to those friends in no time. - how do you know? i've only grown an inch this whole year. what if i never grow again?

well, nobody's here, let's go. (audience laughter) - the door was unlocked, so the doctor must be here and we are exactly on time. look at that. - may be, but i bet i'm the only one in the world who's got whatever i've got. regular doctor diamonto anyway? - 'cause he told us to see faraday. - why? doesn't he like us anymore? - of course he likes us honey, but dr. faraday's a specialist. you know, like a heart specialist, an eye specialist? he is an endocrinologist. he knows all about the glands all through our body that help us to develop and grow. - will he know about mine? - sure he will, know about all of them.

et it, end of conversation. - now wait a minute. we've discussed this. you knew about the blood test, you said you were gonna be a big trooper about this. - topic, let's change the topic. uh, would you like to have breakfast? spanish omelet might be nice. - yes. - what about if one of us takes the blood test with you? - both, and the doctor too. - no, just one of us. katherine, take the blood test with him. - why? - okay, alright. that seems the honest thing to do. i'm an honest person. call it. - heads. - call it. - see? even george is scared. - i'm scared? i'm looking forward to takin' the blood test. unless katherine has the decency to talk me out of it. - she doesn't. (audience laughter) - webster? mr. and mrs. papadapolis? the doctor will see you now.

i guess so. - please follow me. - george, go first. (audience laughter) - i don't like green suckers. - well me neither. he'll be out, i'm sure. - and? - and i'm afraid i really can't tell you anything until i see the x-rays and get the results of the blood test back. - couldn't you make a preliminary diagnosis? - honestly, mrs. papadapolis, i understand your being anxious. but there's really very little i can tell you at this time. now, if it's an endocrinological problem,

we may have to wait until the onset of puberty and then make the decision. the truth is, i really don't know anything at the moment. - [george] so what you're saying is our son will never grow? - no, what i'm saying is that it's one possibility and we should be prepared for it. - i'm dressed now. (melancholy music) - such a romantic. have you heard from the doctor? - no, not yet. have you? - no. ? simply because - hi honey. - [webster] hi ma'am. ? you're near me ? funny but when you're near me ? i'm in the mood for prunes ? can you get me some prunes please? - i can't reach.

- i'll get the prunes. - why aren't you out playing with your friends, honey? - i don't play with those kids anymore. - oh? - we don't see eye to eye. (stifles laughter) good one, webster long. (audience laughter) so, what do you think? - i think you have a spoon in your mouth. see i figure i'll take up smoking. i mean it's not like it's gonna stunt my grown or anything. (audience laughter) - would you mind getting the glasses? - i would if i were tall enough. - never had any problem before. - i'll get 'em. - george! would you walk me to the den? - the den's right there darling, just walk right in there.

(audience laughter) - george, this is just getting out of hand. webster is behaving as if he's never gonna grow and we're going along with it. we're coddling him. - we are not coddling him. - you're right, we're not, you are. - i am? - since when do you have to get him a glass or reach a shelf for him? he's always been self reliant. - darling, i'm just trying to help him out. it's a rough adjustment for him to make. - what are you talking rough adjustment? for all we know he could be six foot nine. - come on katherine. you've given up too. - i haven't given up! - george, will you carry me upstairs? - what? - those stairs are kinda big for a guy my size. - the stairs are kinda big for a guy his size. wait a minute, wait a minute. no, no, i'm not gonna do that. - but george! - [george] you want? no, wait a minute, but george. you wanna go up the stairs, you go up the stairs

- ma'am! - you heard him. - okay, but you guys'll sure be sorry if i fall.

can you come down for a minute? - [webster] if you want me you have to come and get me. - no! - webster, people come in all shapes and sizes.

- that's easy for you to say, you're regular size. - well you may be too. and i wasn't always. when i was a young girl i was taller than all my friends. and i got teased plenty, too. (sighs) we used to go to parties. none of the boys would ask me to dance. - why? me to dance. - will you dance with me? - okay. (audience laughter) got the picture? - oh darling, you never told me that. - sit down george, it's history. (audience laughter) and that's what it's gonna be for you too. part of the history of your growing up.

who's coming over? - well we called your friends and you know we told 'em that you changed your mind and that you wanted to play. - you what? - well you can't sit around the rest of your life and mope. - how could you do this to me? i can't go with them today. - oh honey, of course you can. - but i can't do what they're doing. - well what can they possibly be doing that you can't do? (doorbell rings) - hi web. some hoops? (audience laughter) (bright music) - ma'am, george? where are you? guys, i have to talk to you. - hi, i have to talk to you. - me first. - no, me. - me. - [george] me. - me. - [george] me. - george! (audience laughter drowns out voice) i did! - what?

- but i could only shoot from the foul line. but i was the best foul shooter of everybody. see, i have this mean, underhand twirl. - did i teach ya that? katherine, i taught him that. - and you were right, ma'am. everybody does come in different size and shapes. it's like if i were a car. i might not be a stretch limousine. i might just be a subaru, but i'll still get around. etheart. and i have a surprise for you. - cheese balls? - no. you remember dr. faraday? - yeah. i'm okay, i mean i'm not dying or anything, right? - on the contrary, no, you're a very healthy young man. - then why are you here? - well your folks called to find out the results of the tests and since i was on my way home, i just thought i'd deliver them in person.

now, you see that picture? that's a picture of your hand. - good picture. - oh it's a very good picture. now, you see the spaces between the joints of the finger and those between the bones in the wrist? - yeah. - well if those spaces weren't there, that would mean that you'd stop growing. - but they are there. - that's right son, you're gonna grow! anybody wanna prune? (all laughing) - sweetheart, that's wonderful. let the doctor finish. - [george] yeah. - oh! so, when am i gonna grow? - oh now, nothing happens quite that fast. - why? - well, these things take time. - well i'm a kid, so i guess i've got plenty of that. - yup. and the change is gonna be very gradual. so, don't go looking in the mirror every day.

- oh. so, how tall am i gonna be? - well, that's hard to say. - yeah, i mean you may not be, you know kareem abdul-jabbar, but hey web, how many people do you know that will be? - i feel like i've grown already. - you know something, i think you have. (bright music) - yay!

captioning made possible by u.s. department of education, phillips petroleum, alcoa foundation coca-cola foundation, rockwell international, and sony corporation ? what would we do, baby ? ? without us? ? ? what would we do, baby ? ? without us? ? ? and there ain't no nothing ? ? we can't love each other through ? ? what would we do, baby ? ? without us? ?

i completely disagree, alex. look from this side. alex, that's enough. he does not look like richard nixon. maybe someday. he's a sweet-looking baby. i can't wait to take pictures. i don't know, dad. you're not so good with cameras. this talking camera is the easiest camera in the world. it instructs you every step of the way. it is foolproof. load film now. see? put it in. see? load film now. can i help, dad? you said you'd help me with my homework. it's important. baby pictures are important, too. my child psychology professor says without enough attention from the family, a baby can grow up self-centered, maladjusted, even of subnormal intelligence.

do now? sometimes all three. good. we're all here for the pictures! mom, will you help me with my homework? maybe later. your dad's anxious to use his new camera. and it's all set and ready to go. first, we'll need mother and baby, then big sister and baby, then mother, big sister, and baby by the sofa, then the sofa by the bassinet. whoa, whoa, whoa. dad, time out. there are five regular people here, one baby. the possible permutations of pictures with the baby are 178. with each piece of furniture, that will go into the millions. well, we better get going. let's start with mother and baby. oh, that's perfect! don't move! [click]

wait. i know what's wrong. you press this and... that and that. film exposed. why you... whoa, dad, whoa! break it up, you guys! come on, break it up. we'll talk to it, ok? we'll make it understand. it lied to me, alex. will you three be quiet please? i'm doing my homework! get the group shot now. mother holding baby. come on, everybody, take your places. jennifer, you're blocking the baby. this is where i always stand for family pictures. where should i stand now? just move over to either side, as long as that little guy's in the middle. come on, jen. over here. ok.

on, andrew. smile. smile. load film now. thanks for making breakfast. andy kept me up. yeah, i heard. he woke you up? a little bit, but i don't mind. he's your only son i'd rather hear babble. good morning, everybody. time for an empirical demonstration of sensory influences on infants. what are you doing? i'm making sure andrew has all the proper influences. the earlier he gets started, the better athlete he'll be. yo, andy. this, big guy, is a football. this is what america is all about. teamwork, competition, shaving points, bone-crushing tackles, playing in pain, spitting blood. that's enough baby talk, alex. where's dad?

he's out getting the pictures developed. i'm tired of waiting! he promised to take me! take it easy. he'll be here. did you get the pictures? yeah. i waited 15 minutes for the store to open. i'm turning this kitchen into a darkroom. let me see. whoa! good shot. look at him. he's laughing. who's that, huh? i have to study, remember? ready to go? no. i was so anxious to get the pictures, i forgot to get dressed. i'll be down in a minute. i got to get dressed, too. this is great. i should put them in the album. look after andy. yeah, sure, mom. i can quiz him on the suicide blitz.

come on, big guy. stop talking to the baby for two seconds! ok, jennifer. the baby spilled milk all over my homework! nice going! mommy, daddy, the baby spilled milk... jennifer, it's not the baby's f-- fault. that's why i'm glad you're a guy. we don't get upset over little things like spilled-- milk. aaawww! mom! mommy! [andrew crying] what are you doing? i'm going to get andrew. you've picked him up five times since midnight. elyse, he's crying. if you pick andrew up whenever he cries, he'll never stop crying.

in his crib? not if we raise him right. [crying] elyse, how can you be so cruel? he's only been alone for four minutes. four minutes is a big chunk of his life, elyse. we're not going to spoil this baby, steven. let's go back to bed. [crying] boy, has this kid got lungs. andrew, andrew. [stops crying] elyse! oh! where are you going? to straighten this picture. elyse. he's still crying, honey.

i can't bear to hear him cry. he stopped crying. ah! ah! ah! [crying] is andrew up again? we can't get him to go to sleep. maybe we should sing to him. we want him to sleep, not try and escape. we should try singing. we should try anything. i've got to sleep. sing what? something for a baby. you know let's get crazy by prince? it was our wedding song. no. i'm not singing anything by prince. come on. let's sing! ? down by the old millstream ? ? where i first met you ? ? you were 16 ?

? my village queen ? ? my village queen ? ? down by the old ? ? old ? ? mill ? ? stream ?? good night. [crying] oh. oh. oh. look, we can work this out. i know we can. what has stopped him from crying so far? when we sang, he stopped crying. when we sang, stopped crying. when i brought him out here before, he stopped crying. brought him out here, stopped crying. i've got it. shh, shh. what are you doing? ok. take it easy. that's my boy.

little baby. ? down by the old mill... ? [crying] ? ...stream ?? nice try, dad. what's going on? andrew's having trouble sleeping. i have to get up early to finish the homework he ruined! honey, we're trying. i have to sleep! he's not keeping you up on purpose. i'm not so sure. all you ever think about is yourself! i hate you! i wish they never had you! jennifer. john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic!

honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick. get 50 meg internet starting at $39.99 a month. call now. and with home wifi, the whole family can be online at once. g reat for kids to stream scary shows while not cleaning their room. you'll also get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee, and there's no contract to sign. get 50 meg internet with no data cap starting at $39.99 a month. plus, free installation and access to over 500,000 twc wifi? hotspots nationwide. would rex pass up more beef stew? i don't think so.

french toast is up. come and get it! uh. maybe you could bring it over here. yeah, sure thing, dad. elyse. elyse? hmm?

french toast. vive la france! no, elyse, not a french toast... french toast. you might as well... you might as well eat it. i can't reach it. oh, sure. maybe you should take a sip of coffee. mallory made it. i think it'll perk you up. whoa! i used five times the regular amount of beans! where's jennifer? i saw her upstairs. she looked upset. she thinks we've forgotten about her. that's ridiculous. we haven't forgotten about her. as soon as, uh... mmm... jennifer. jennifer gets down here, we'll talk to her. she's showing the classic symptoms

she's acting younger than she is. did alex regress when i was born? let's see, he was 2... for a couple weeks, he refused to tie his own tie. i wonder if i'll regress now that andrew's born. you're at ground zero now, mallory. you regress any more, you're going to disappear. we have a problem to solve. when one has a baby late in life, there's a tendency to become obsessed with said infant. i don't think we're obsessed with said infant. what do you think, steven? ooja, baby. ooja, boo boo boo boo! ba-ba-baby, boo boo boo boo! steven?

hi, jenny. how are you feeling? fine. um, jennifer, let's discuss what happened last night. what happened last night? you yelled at the baby. oh, that. i was just tired. i'll see you guys later. i'm eating breakfast at crissy's house. bye. very interesting. a fascinating subject, isn't she? she's not a subject. she's your sister. i'm just trying to keep a detached professionalism about this... mr. keaton. maybe alex has a point. she didn't even peek at andrew when she came in here. when she comes home today, we'll have a talk. this whole thing could blow over.

all that's required here is a gesture of love. slip her 100 bucks. you can't show love by giving someone money. give her leg warmers. maybe we should pay more attention to her, make her feel special. remember how she felt when we threw that birthday party? let's give her a special night tonight. she can plan the whole evening. it'll be fun for all of us. keep 100 bucks handy, though, just in case. mom, this cake is great. you always like chocolate-chip cake with double fudge frosting.

nope. i'm loving it. is there anything special you want to do after dessert? let's play charades. i've got one. all right, let's go! it's a movie, three words. second word. [andrew crying] i'll go. it's a deer. it's got horns. moose! i don't know. where's the baby powder? it's not there! i'll be right back. [crying] you ought to go up there, mom. we can play charades some other night. mallory and your father are capable of handling the situation. mom! elyse!

go ahead, jen. go ahead with your charade. ok. i got it! i got it! the macneil/lehrer report. he's ok. he just wanted some company. yeah. jennifer, we're ready. a movie, three words. the macneil/lehrer report. second word, second. have i seen this movie? ok. ok. so we know it's a cartoon. uh... bouncing moose. [andrew giggling] that sounded like a laugh! come on, mallory, that's impossible. he's laughing! it's his first official laugh.

hey, come on! it's the rattle. he's smiling! that's his first real smile! oh, look, a quarterback. he's not going to play football. i have to find a place where there are no babies. [knock knock] jennifer? i've already heard the baby laugh. thanks anyway. mind if we come in? you want. what are you doing? finding a new place to live. the best i've come up with are new jersey and iceland. what's it going to be? i'm leaning towards jersey. about tonight, jen... we're sorry. we wanted tonight to be special. it didn't work out that way. of course it didn't.

then crawling, then he'll be eating solid foods and not spitting it up. how could i compete with that? it's not a competition, jennifer. we know it was probably a mistake to have a jennifer night. it was phony. i don't know what happened. i was looking forward to the baby before he came. then when he got here, in the way. in the way? now, look, honey, this is your home. we're your family. you'll never be in the way. do you still love me? honey, come on. of course. we just don't realize we have to remind you how we feel.

you silly. thanks for telling me all this stuff. forget it! that's what parents are for-- to tell kids stuff. [knock knock] hiya. hi, jen. hey, sorry about your night getting spoiled. i was really looking forward to playing charades. but you hate charades. i came to be nice. give me a break, jen. oh, sorry. could you excuse us? jen, andrew, and i have some things to discuss. well, sure. andrew, you're going to hear a lot of girl talk, so just nod a lot, like it makes sense. you know, jen, when you were first born, i was jealous of you. you were? sure.

how'd you get over it? well, pretty soon i realized that you were cute and you were fun. that's true, i am. i realized mom and dad have enough love for all of us. you're a great big sister, mallory. it's not such a hard job. you're going to be a great big sister, too. maybe you should give him to me. sure. you guys look great together. andrew... can we talk? this is a great time of your life. you're lucky.

ow up-- that's around 7-- things change. you go from helpless and cuddly to a low person on the totem pole. you'll be expected to do the dishes, take out the garbage, wash my bike. yesterday when i said i hated you, i didn't mean it. i'm sorry i said that. you're my brother. i love you. gaa! oh, andrew, you're laughing. a real laugh. oh, my gosh. come quick, everyone! the baby's laughing! oh, you're laughing. jenny? oh, honey. oh, he was. smile for me. look here! here we go! [click]

captioning made possible by u.s. department of education, phillips petroleum, alcoa foundation coca-cola foundation, rockwell international, and sony corporation ? what would we do, baby ? ? without us ? ? what would we do, baby ? ? without us ? ? and there ain't no nothing ? ? we can't love each other through ? ? what would we do, baby ? ? without us ?