come on. thataboy! ooh, we're going to have such fun! -- captions by vitac oh, i just can't wait. now i'll get all these buttons buttoned. [ ding! ] hello, you exquisite, brilliant, charming, perfect little witchlet! [ chuckles ] hello, samantha. hello, mother. goodbye, mother. where are you going? tabitha and i are going to see hoho the clown. who, what, and why is hoho the clown? uh, darrin's agency represents the sponsor, and he gave us tickets to see it in person, so we're go-- oh, dear. [ clicks tongue ] where did i put them? samantha, i'm surprised at you -- taking a child of tabitha's breeding to a kiddie show? a ballet, yes. a drama by shakespeare, perhaps. but that ho, ho, hee, hee, ha, ha business -- oh, no.

and ride up the river seine in a bateaux mouche. maybe some other time. we have a previous engagement. oh, and i just flew over from edinburgh to play with my little granddaughter. well, i'm sorry, mother, but tabitha and i are going to see hoho the clown. oh, very well. i'll go with you. uh, well, mother, you'd hate every minute of it. now, can you see yourself sitting for an hour surrounded by children? yes. to my tabby-tabby-tabbykins. besides, we only have two tickets. [ ding! ] count again. mother. yes, dear? you're a stubborn woman.

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is that hobo the clown? not hobo, mother -- hoho. when is he going to be funny? in a minute, when the show starts. hi, it's hoho the clown! darrin, i want you to read this memo i received from -- what are you doing? i'm watching hoho the clown. [ sighs ] now, that's what i call loyalty to the client. there they are! there they are on television! there who are? my wife, my daughter, and my mother-in-law. ho, ho, ho! it's me again. and guess what i got. i got balloons! ho, ho! i got -- i got -- i got -- i got lots of balloons. balloons for everybody! whoo! and here! i got a balloon for you. isn't that nice? ho, ho!

and here's one for you. ho, ho! and here's another one for you. why didn't he give tabitha a balloon? mother, we're on television. she's obviously the most outstanding child in this entire audience. shh! and it's time for the hoho hope chest! and the hoho hope chest is chock-full of lots and lots of toys and games! now, every boy and girl has a hoho the clown badge with a number on it! and in just 60 seconds, one of those numbers is gonna be the lucky number that wins all of the prizes in the hoho hope chest! [ cheering ] man: and now, boys and girls, it's time for an exciting message from the solow toy company. where's tabitha's badge? oh, she doesn't have one. why not? because she's related to darrin. well, i admit that's a mark against her, but it's hardly her fault.

for the hoho hope chest. oh, h-hi, there! it's me again. and now, is everybody ready to see who won all the prizes in the hoho hope chest? [ cheering ] so, i "ho-fully" mix up the numbers [ ding! ] and we pick a winner! and the winning number is... ...12! over here! this little girl right here! [ gasps ] mother! ho, ho, ho, ha, ha. oh, you're in trouble. your child shouldn't win the hoho hope chest. i know. i guess the program staff goofed. yeah! i guess the program staff goofed. i guess the program staff goofed. come on, sam, i know it was your mother, and you know it was your mother. i guess it was my mother.

oh, darrin, she's not out to destroy you. she was simply being a -- a fun-loving witch? well, yes. and a doting grandmother. you're kidding. no, i'm afraid i'm deadly serious. if the little girl who won yesterday's hope chest is not in today's studio audience, i refuse to go on. why? because i like her. well, hoho, this isn't logical. well, why not? because i'm a star. darrin, we have an emergency. i just got a call from the producer of hoho the clown. and? and hoho refuses to work unless "that cute little doll" that won yesterday's hoho hope chest is in today's studio audience. you mean tabitha? no tabitha, no show. no show, no commercials. no commercials, no client.

to amuse my ulcer? this is the first time i've heard it. honestly, i tell you. you have no time to tell me anything. just have sam get tabitha over to the studio immediately as a personal favor to the president of the company. [ telephone rings ] hello? why? because hoho the clown refuses to go on unless she's there. darrin, you know what i think? i think mother did more than monkey around with hoho's hope chest. i think she monkeyed around with hoho himself. is she giving you a hard time? oh, n-not exactly, larry. she suggests that -- sam, this is larry. will you please bring tabitha over to the studio immediately?

let's you and i go over to the studio and see what this monkey business is all about. mother! mother?! oh, goodness. tabitha, you and i have got to go somewhere. [ ding! ] ooh! that's a little fast for you, huh? hello, tate. oh, mr. solow. what a pleasant surprise. what brings you here? i come every friday like clockwork to make sure you're giving me my money's worth. uh, darrin, mr. solow, owner of the solow toy company. may i present one of mcmann & tate's most creative young executives, mr. darrin stephens? how do you do, sir? likewise. now let's watch hoho the clown. boys and girls, we're gonna change our format today. instead of doing the show for the entire audience, we're gonna play it to just one member.

ho, ho! there she is! oh, mr. cameraman, would you get a shot of this cute little doll sitting on her mother's lap? oh! darrin, did you change the format? no, i wouldn't do that without your approval. i liked the format the way it was. oh, isn't she pretty? ooh, don't touch hoho's nose. you know why? because i'm gonna make sure that you win all the prizes. who is she? who is that kid that's ruining my program? on with the show-ow-ow-ow. i have no idea. do you, darrin? no.

darrin? what? it's saturday. instead of sitting inside, why don't you go out and get some fresh air? after tabitha wakes up from her nap, why don't we take her to kiddieland?

well, she'd hardly be famous as the result of one television show! don't count on it. the complaints must be pouring in. and when they discover that tabitha is my daughter, they'll think that the television show was rigged, leading to an investigation by the fcc where i will decline to answer questions on the grounds that my wife and my mother-in-law are witches! so do i. so do i. i-i've been calling her and calling her, and she will not answer. e went away for the weekend. would you like me to look for her? please. her two favorite cities are paris and rome. i'll try paris first. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] she wasn't in paris. uh-huh. what took you so long? i couldn't find a cab. uh, now i'll try rome. you wait right there.

[ telephone rings ] hello? oh, hi, mrs. kravitz. oh, you saw tabitha on the "hoho the clown show." yeah, she was kind of cute, wasn't she? you want me to get you on the "build your castle show" because you need a refrigerator and a rotisserie? you want me to put in the fix for you on the "build your castle show" the way i did for tabitha on "hoho"? [ ding! ] mrs. kravitz, i did not put in the fix for tabitha on the "hoho show"! i have never put in the fix for anybody on any show that i've been connected with! i think i'll go take another look around the colosseum. [ ding! ] samantha, come back here! uh, she went back to rome. uh, to roam around the house again. mrs. kravitz, i'm afraid there's some mistake.

if you want a refrigerator and a rotisserie, you'll just have to go out and buy one. samantha! [ ding! ] yes? see, that is the kind of thing i'm in for! mother! mother! [ horse whinnying ] [ horse snorts ] uh, mrs. stephens? uh, y-yes? i'm hoho the clown. ho, ho, ho, ho, ho? oh! i got your name and address from my producer. how's your daughter? oh, she's just fine, thank you. you look a little different without your makeup. i know. oh, well, you can't be on all the time. who's your friend? oh, she's a present for my cute little doll! where is she? ho, ho, ho!

how's your daughter? oh, she's fine, hoho. what's with the pony? she's a present for my cute little doll! ho, ho! would you hold her, please? is she housebroken? for what she cost me, she should be. i used the money that i laid aside for my wife's birthday present. why? beats me. for some reason or other, your kid has gotten under my skin. i can't stop thinking about her. it's like i'm in her power. you're not in her power. you're in -- darrin. oh. uh, these are for her, too. and this, too. [ chuckles ] where is she? i'm longing to be near her! darrin, why don't you go upstairs and get tabitha? i'll, uh, take the pony outside. come on. i'm gonna see her! i'm gonna see my cute little doll!

[ chuckles ] ho, ho, ho! ho! mother! mother, i want to see you! mother, if you don't come here right this second, i'll never let you see tabitha again. [ ding! ] samantha, i'm surprised at you. stooping to blackmail? shh! where have you been? i'm spending the weekend in mexico city. oh, well, i never would have looked there. aco, dear? no! mother, i'm very annoyed with you! about what? [ gasps ] darwin needs a haircut. i am in no mood for any of your jokes. i am annoyed with you because of what you did to hoho the clown. oh, that! hasn't it worn off? worn off? it's worse! now, mother, he's in there.

without any further ado! oh! [ ding! ] now, if you'll excuse me, i'm getting back to mexico city. i'm lunching with a very handsome bullfighter. adi?s, muchacha. [ ding! ] ol?. here she is, hoho. here's your cute little doll. what's so cute about her? did i bring a pony in here? ah, where's my pony? it just happened to -- sam, what happened? [ doorbell rings ] well, i -- uh, here, honey. mm-hmm. uh, excuse me, hoho. it's your daughter, stephens. i hired a detective, and he found out it's your daughter. when mr. solow called me at the club and told me, i was shocked beyond belief! i-i couldn't speak. words failed me.

r, baby. ho, ho, ho, ho? don't "ho, ho" me, you ingrate. you and stephens here have entered into a conspiracy to drive the solow toy company out of business! after all i've done for you. as close as we've been, like father and son. darrin, if you needed money, if you needed toys, why didn't you come to me and say so? larry, are you trying to say that you knew nothing about this? yes. effective immediately, the "hoho the clown" program is hereby canceled. but you can't do that to the children of america. you have no alternative. and i have no alternative but to ask you to tender your resignation. darrin, you're through! so is my account with mcmann & tate. mr. solow, that won't be necessary now that stephens is no longer with the agency. i want you to know i consider his actions illegal, unethical, shocking... [ ding! ]

can discuss how to get out of this. is the spell off hoho? oh, yes, yes. we just have to figure out a way to bail him and you out. let's see. we can say, uh...we can sa-- no. [ gasps ] we can say it's a publicity stunt! a publicity stunt! yeah. for what? uh... for a cute little doll. [ ding! ] they look like twins! well, thank you. uh, now i have to make hoho believe he was all part of it. [ ding! ] honey, what do i say? well, let's see. uh, well, i'll start the ball rolling, then you take over and run with it. mm-hmm. oh, hold it. [ ding! ] ...disgusting, despicable, and humiliating.

the newest member of the solow family -- the tabitha doll. the what? the tabitha doll. uh, darrin thought of it, and i designed it i-in my spare time, using our daughter as the model. then hoho put the real tabitha on television and played favorites with her to create public interest. it was a publicity stunt to promote a new product. uh, yeah, and i went along with it just to help out the sponsor, even though it temporarily hurt my image. well, why wasn't i consulted? well, because, uh -- tate? yes, sir? shut up! you know something? this is a pretty cute little doll. and that was a pretty cute publicity stunt. and these are two pretty clever fellas, huh? they sure are. and, tate? yes, sir?

me, sir? tate, i think you should offer your humble apologies and include mrs. stephens.

hi, darling! hi, sweetheart. what are you doing home so early? i sneaked away to watch "hoho the clown" with you. well, isn't that nice? is he gonna reveal the publicity stunt? mm-hmm. and he's going to say, "in the interest of fair play, "every loyal viewer who called in or wrote in to complain will receive, absolutely free, a brand-new tabitha doll."

oh, quick! come here. sit down. come on. sit, like i told you. if you're gonna watch it, you have to sit. ho, ho, ho! i'm hoho the clown! [ kids booing ] all you wonderful booers will be happy to know that each and every one of you will receive a new tabitha doll, absolutely free! [ kids cheering ] ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! that's rather a cute idea. whose was it? larry's. well, it persuaded mr. solow to keep his account with us. [ chuckles ] why is hoho's picture -- and mine is, uh -- darling -- oh. i don't know. i fixed it this morning. well, i'll just fix it again. [ ding! ]

sam, about your mother -- well, d-darrin, i-i didn't know any, uh -- not in front of the baby. -- captions by vitac voil?! hey, strawberry waffles. in honor of this historic occasion. honey, just because larry gave me a day off in the middle of the week is no reason to get historical. well, go ahead. say what you want. but to me, this is a day to remember -- a day of significance. you know what i think the significance is? he's going to ask me to work the weekend. well, live, for tomorrow you work. samantha, what have i done to deserve you? [ ding! ] nothing! and you don't. mother! i better run, or i'll be late for the office. wait a minute, darrin. now, let me explain. mother, darrin's off today.

sweetheart, w-why don't you go into the living room and relax? mother, just once, can't you be nice to darrin? go ahead. take the first step. you'll find out that being nice really isn't so painful. all right. good. darwood, dear boy. k. about what? i mean, i think we should have a better understanding. i just want to bury the hatchet. where? ooh! [ gasps ] oh, isn't that a darling? no, it's a reactor mach ii. tell me, would you like to have a car like this? sure, but even if i could afford it, i couldn't get it. it's not on the market yet.

and hold out your hand. w-what's that? those are the keys to the car you wanted. come on, charm boy. let's go see, huh? come on. come on. morning, charlie. hiya, joe. j.j. just stopped me, told me the reactor mach ii has to be ready for the trial run next monday. yeah, a week ought to do it. rough night?

the engine was gone. no. the whole thing was powered by a bunch of squirrels. squirrels? [ chuckles ] oh, that's a riot. get the hood up, charlie. we'll see if we can't adjust some of those...squirrels. hey, joe? yeah? i think i'm having another nightmare. the car is gone. [ laughs ]

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t power plant. there must be a gold mine under that hood. i hope so. hydraulic suspension system. and look at that control panel. it's even got a radar screen. i don't think i can bear all this enthusiasm. see you later, dear. darrin, you really should have thanked mother for the car. well, i know i should have, except for one thing. what's that? i can't take it. why not? at's a product of witchcraft. but mother was only being nice. i know. will you look at that steering system? darrin, couldn't you make one little exception? honey, if you make one little exception, before you know it, you'll make a lot more. couldn't you keep it for a little while? unh-unh. will you look at that power plant? don't you realize how hurt mother's going to be if you don't keep it? honey, it's a matter of principle.

she will? it's worth a try. okay, i'll take it, but only for a little while. and, remember, i'm only doing this for your mother. joe: justalm down, charlie, and go over this step by step. now, we know the place was locked, right? right. and we're the only ones that have keys, right? right! well, there's your answer. no one could possibly have gotten in. you're talking nonsense! the car is gone, isn't it? is it? what? i don't know about you, but i am too old to take up another trade. do you want to tell j.j. that $150,000 worth of car is missing? and five years of research? not until we've gone over the whole thing step by step.

now, how am i on that side? about 2 feet away. that's close enough. it handles like a dream. i can't wait to get her out on the highway. it does ride beautifully. would you like to get behind the wheel -- uh, the steering column? may i? of course. [ chuckles ] oh, hon, you better take off your shoes. take off my shoes? your high heels -- they'll ruin the carpet. i'm not wearing high heels. oh. here. [ chuckles ] okay? yeah. whoa! [ chuckles ] [ engine turns over ] re you doing? starting the car.

are you kidding? i said you could get behind the wheel, but that's all. y-you mean, you're never gonna let me drive it? oh, sure, after i've broken it in -- after the first 10,000 miles or so. honey, do we sti have those old army blankets of mine? mm-hmm. what for? i thought i could put them aroundalls t wf the garage, protect the finish. i have a better idea. what? why don't i make a slipcover for it? what kind of material? to tell larry about this car. he'lturn green with envy. isn't he gonna wonder how you could afford a car like this? i'll tell him the truth. what?! i mean, i'll say it was a gift from my mother-in-law, and i had to accept it to keep peace in the family. now, here's why i think you guys haven't been on the ball.

golf, don't you? yes. we can still get in nine holes, and we can talk at the same time. only if we play the same ball. now, here's what i think your basic mistake has been. you just don't understand the meatpacking business. [ telephone buzzes ] yes? uh, put him on. i'll just be a moment. well, darrin boy, how are you enjoying the day off? good. but don't make any plans for the weekend. no kidding -- a new car? is that right? [ laughs ] sounds wild. uh, just a minute. it's darrin stephens. he wants us to come over and see his new car. sounds like something really special. tate, i didn't fly in all the way from cincinnati to see a new car! uh, darrin, maybe i'll stop in on my way home. right. bye. sounds like an expensive car.

back to why i think you fellas are off the track with my product, huh? oh, sure, sure. it's one of those new experimental jobs. what is? stephens' car. has a flip-top roof, hydraulic suspension, and a 425-horsepower engine. how'd you like to drive that home? all i want to drive home is my point -- namely, that your ideas for my product have been too routine -- no dash or imagination. tate, this is the space age, and sheldrake wants to be a part of it. do i make myself clear? yes. but how do we work sausages into the space age? that's your job. well... [ sighs ] let me see, now. it's, uh, got hydraulic suspension, huh? what has? stephens' car.

"made in detroit"? charlie, we got to find some way to explain that car's disappearance. you're right. we got to find some way. what's that? there is no way to explain it. i mean, what do you say? "sorry. we lost it." reminds me of a guy i know who lost a house. a house? no kidding. how? back taxes. charlie, i wish i had your sense of humor. i'd cut my throat. now, there's an idea. hi.

was just looking at the engine -- would you like some tea? oh, no, thank you. i was just looking at the engine, and it was real cute the way you put "made in detroit" on it and a serial number. makes it look real legitimate. what do you mean? the car is legitimate. of course, you mean a legitimate copy, don't you? where did that car come from? darrin. how should i know? look in that magazine. that's where it was when i cast the spell. you mean, it came from detroit?! what do you think, the stork brought it? now, listen, you two. i don't understand. i do! your mother gave me a hot car for a present! mother! don't you look at me like that. i was trying to do what's-his-name a favor. but to steal a car! well, where was i going to get it? i'm a witch, not a car manufacturer.

o me a favor, don't do me any favors!

darrin, dear, there's no reason -- to be in a snit. mother just didn't understand what she was doing. well, i mean, the worst you can say is that she was a trifle overeager. swell, that car is worth a fortune. there's probably an alarm out for it all over the country. what are we going to tell the police when they tch up with it? your mother is an overeager witch? well! i'm not gonna stay here and listen to this ingrate. goodbye, samantha. i'm off to new orleans for the mardi gras. oh, mother, wait a minute. oh, please, mother. please come back. sam, let her go. she's caused enough trouble. oh. mother. mother, are you listening to me?

s her? we've got trouble enough. the first thing to do is go to the garage and put that car back where it belongs. oh, darrin, don't you understand? i can't. mother's the only one that can bring that car back. mother! mother, dear! you're a dear, sweet, wonderful woman. we need you. mother? mother, dear? it's no use. you insulted her. i insulted her? oh, no. i insulted her. well, let's not stand here quibbling. the first thing to do is to lock that garage door before -- [ doorbell rings ] 's too late. the police. darrin, pull yourself together. open the door. hello, darrin. you know mr. sheldrake. uh, sure. nice to see you again, stephens. nice to see you again, sir. please come in. oh, thank you. thank you very much. oh, hi, sam. mr. sheldrake, i'd like you to meet my wife. this is samantha.

can i get you some coffee? oh, no, thanks. don't bother, sam. well, sit down. make yourselves comfortable. we've been brainstorming some new ideas for sheldrake sausages, and we thought we'd bounce them off you. and we're both anxious to see that car, too. car? car? your new car. new car. new car. yeah, i'm dying to see that hydraulic suspension system. where is it? uh, uh, well, um... uh, the thing is, uh -- [ clears throat ] i've just put it to bed. at noon? oh, yes, it's all tucked in for its nap. we promise not to wake it up. [ laughter ] well, the thing is, um, it's, um... are you trying to say, "business before pleasure"? uh, yes, that's it. first, let me hear some of those ideas you want to bounce off me.

half a day off. stephens, let's look at the car, and we can talk about it at the same time. darling, you go ahead. i'll see if i can contact that party. oh. okay. it's in the garage. oh. [ door opens, closes ] mother, now, i want you to listen to me carefully. here are the keys, mr. sheldrake. thank you. be very kind to those brakes. they're very tender. my boy, i was driving before you were born. just once around the block? i can't bear to watch this. i'm going in to have a double. [ engine turns over ]

darrin, we're back. sam, you found her. yes. you don't look too well. and i have you to thank for it. if that's the way you're going to act -- mother, mother, please, wait. darrin, mother came all the way from the mardi gras in new orleans just to help you. don't ask me why. all right, i'm sorry. just put that car back where it belongs, please. oh, she will. she will. just don't bug her. what are you doing?! shh, she has to concentrate. wait a minute! not now! what did you do that for?! isn't that what you wanted? no! he's too much. samantha, don't you re-- isn't sheldrake back yet?

oh. oh, my stars! so, we're in complete agreement, right? right. you're gonna go to peru, and i'm taking off for brazil. and if anybody asks, we never even heard of the car. we never even heard of each other. right! [ ding! ] [ engine revving ] [ engine stops ] sheldrake's the name. sausage is my game. charlie. hmm? here's something we can agree on. i won't say anything about this if you don't.

has the pounding gone away? oh, yeah. it changed to a low thump. i feel terrible about this. i don't understand. a responsible man, head of a big company, and he just drives off with your car. oh, well, larry, you know these rich men. they're so eccentric. but i know how much that car is worth. well, darrin isn't worried. why should you be? he's not worried? no. i'm sick. oh, darrin. [ telephone rings ] oh, excuse me. hello? no, this is mrs. stephens. oh, uh, mr. sheldrake. where are you? at the airport? what's he doing there? and what about the car? uh, mr. sheldrake, there's something i'd like to try and explain to you, but i'm not absolutely sure how to --

you have? you were? you are? oh, why -- why, mr. sheldrake, that sounds wonderful! yes. all right. goodbye. well, what is it? what happened to him? what about the car? uh, he took a slight detour. just going around the block? he said that someday, when he figured it out for himself, what? he also said to go ahead and use the car in the advertising campaign. he has the rights to it. but...what? how did he get them? well, it seems he ran into the two men who designed it. i don't understand anything about this, but it's okay with me. [ chuckles ] he sure flipped over that car, didn't he? yeah, he flipped, all right. oh, he certainly did.

well, that's what he said. [???] [screams] aagh! what are you--? oh, master, what has happened to you? huh? what do you mean?

it's my skin diving outfit. oh. what? thank heaven. i thought that while i was sleeping, someone had turned you into that. [chuckles] no. oh, where are you going, master? it is 4:00 in the morning. uh, well, it's gonna be dawn in a couple of minutes. i'm going down to the beach. dressed like that? oh, roger and i are going hunting for sunken treasure. oh, that is a waste of time, master. i can give you all the treasures you desire. if i live to be another 2000 years old, i will not understand you. well, it's not the treasure i'm interested in, jeannie. it's the hunt, you see. how do you know there is treasure there? well, i-i don't know exactly. it's just that, uh, a lot of pirate ships used to ply the waters off the coast here, and it's rumored that captain kidd had a ship to go down with a lot of sunken treasure on it. who--? who was this captain kidd?

now, let's see. captain kidd, captain... [mumbles indistinctly] oh, yeah. uh, "william kidd "started out as a respectable seaman. "the british government sent him out "to harass the french fleet in 1700. "his men forced him to turn renegade, and he became a pirate." well, he was quite a fellow. it took the whole british navy to look for him. [scoffs] i am sure he was not as brave as you, master. [chuckles] oh, no, jeannie. i'd hate to have tangled with him. i'll tell you that. ah, i am sure you would have beaten him, master. oh, i doubt it. oh, yes, you would have. that all right with you, fellas? [cheers] kidd: hey, you! huh? oh, who--? me? me? yeah, you! kill him, captain kidd. with pleasure. prepare to die! uh, now, now, now, wait a minute! agh! jeannie! jeannie!

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jeannie! jeannie! [shouting] what was keeping you so long, huh? i want-- get him, master! i told you-- [laughing] uh, i'm sorry, captain. wait! will you wait? [cheering] kill him, master!

[water splashes] [???] he beat captain kidd. [giggles] any orders, captain? all: hooray! um, "captain"? you'll be captain kidd. you're our new leader. [all cheer] well, i certainly appreciate your offer, but i'm afraid i'm not gonna be able to stay. you ain't thinkin' of runnin' out on us, are you? no. no, but i-i do have-- 'cause the only way anyone ever leaves this crew... is feet first. all: yeah. feet first? any orders? uh, no, no, not at the moment, but if i, um-- if i have any, i'll certainly let you know. aye, aye, captain. back to work, you lubbers. you. me, sir?

no, no, no, i wanna talk-- what do you want to do with the prisoner? uh, prisoner? what prisoner is that? the girl we captured from the british frigate. oh, yes, yes. that prisoner. do you want to kill her, or do you want me to? kill her? i'll do it. [laughing] no, no, i'll do it. i'll do it. have fun. [???] boy. hey. hey, that's my cabin. yes, well, you're certainly a messy housekeeper. clean that place up. no, no, no. she's in the captain's cabin. all right. i'll call you when i need you. oh, but-- don't touch me! [stammers]

lson, united stated air force. [screams] shhh. i just wanna cut your rope. did you call me, captain? uh, no, i did not. if i want you, i'll certainly let you know. now, go upstairs and swab the decks. aye, captain. [door closes] how did you get on this ship, anyway? as if you didn't know. what did you do with the others? wh-what others? don't pretend you and your blood-thirsty crew didn't board the yarmouth and sink it. but you'll pay for it. right now, there's a british frigate searching for you. i didn't have anything to do with this, miss. actually, i'm just passing by. i'm gonna help you escape from here. do you really mean that? yes. i told you if i need you-- master? oh. i think we'd better leave here quickly. we can't leave now. they're going to kill this girl. but if you stay, they are going to kill you. i heard them talking up on deck. the first mate wants to take over the ship. he can have it. but i'm not gonna leave here without her.

oh, you were right, master. this is so exciting! [squeals] [chuckles] who was that? oh, uh, that was an old, old friend of mine. my husband will pay you well if you could save me. he'll give you anything. oh, that's not necessary. forgive me. i haven't introduced myself. i'm lady diane nelson. oh, i'm, uh, major anthony nelson. did you say, uh, lady diane nelson? yes. you know my husband? know him? why, he's my great-great-great- great-grandfather. i beg your pardon. and that means that you're my great-great-great- great-grandmother. what are you talking about? you're gonna have a son named-- named, uh-- named william, and you're gonna have a daughter named priscilla. that is, if i can get you off this boat. and if i can't get you off this boat, i'm not gonna be born. [screaming] shhh. oh, please, don't do that.

captain? oh, what are you doing here? what's taking you so long? we can't kill her. what? i mean-- i mean, we can't kill her now. look, uh... i, uh-- i think we should torture her a little bit. she's probably got plenty of hidden treasure she could tell us about. ohhh, good thinking. [both laugh] yeah, go boil some water. yeah-- boil some water? and-- and heat up a branding iron. all right, skipper. oh, no! no, you promised! no, i'm not gonna let anybody hurt you. i was just using that to stall for some time. but how are you gonna get me off the ship? uh, i've got a very influential friend. now, you just stay right there. uh, don't go away. be calm. [???] don't go away. jeannie, where have you been? give me that thing. you're gonna cut your head off. are you ready to leave, master? i-i can't leave yet.

really? well, i never would've known it. she does not look a bit like you. that's not the point, jeannie. the point is, if i don't get her off this ship, there's not gonna be any me. how are you going to rescue her, master? you are in as much danger as she is. shh-shh. you should-- you should hear their plans for you. i'm gonna sneak her off the ship and get her on that island. she told me there's a british frigate looking for the pirates. i'll find out some way of signaling 'em. oh, that is a wonderful idea-- hey you! back to work. yeah, yeah, get back to work. aye, aye, sir. the iron will be hot in a minute. when it's through, i just can't wait to see her walk the plank. yeah, yeah. [chuckles] it'll be a billion laughs. [???] i don't trust that one. he has an honest face.

aye, aye, mate. [gasps] shh-shh. i have a plan. i'm gonna get you off this boat. oh, how? heh? how? oh, uh, i want you to put on these clothes. we'll sneak you off this ship and over to the island. that british frigate you were talking about should be along any minute now. and we'll send up smoke signals. master? master? oh, hurry, they are coming after you. why? to kill you. oh, jeannie, they can't do that. i'm-- i'm the ain s bo. [both scream] what do we do now? we're gonna change our plans. [sword slashes] naagh! there they are. get 'em! all right, stand back. stand back! i mean it! all right, you asked for it. go up the back steps.

they don't build ships the way they used to. grab him! aye, aye, captain. no! no! wait a minute, wait a minute. take your hands off of me. i don't think you know who i am. i happen to be major anthony nelson, in the air force of the united states. and if you're wise, you'll let me walk out of here. oh, you want to take a walk, do ya? all right. tomorrow at sunrise, [cackling] take 'em to the brig. now, wait a minute. [screams] take your hands off-- oh, oh. [???] pull 'em up! hey, wait a minute. which one of you wants to walk the plank first? wait! let him walk the plank. but the girl-- you save the girl for us, huh! [gasps] all: yeah, yeah.

we don't want any witnesses. here! smell that smoke. ah-ha-ha. oh-ho-ho. yes. eh. wait a second. ladies, first. [laughs] [gasping] [laughs] give my regards to captain kidd, will ya, now? this isn't legal, you know. you can get in a lot of trouble for this. really, where? don't keep the sharks waitin' now, will you? [cannon booms] man-of-war approaching! [???] oh. it's headin' this way. [cannon booms] what are we gonna do? they will sink us. no, they won't. not as long as we hold lady diane prisoner. [laughs]

they're gettin' away!

ngng] uh, you two go on ahead. i'll try to hold 'em off. [screaming] [screams] oh. thanks. thanks a lot. you are the bravest master i've ever had. come on, mateys. thank you. oh, jeannie, you get going, will ya? they're coming. go on. [screams] jeannie, what is this? jeannie! what is this?! [gunshot] [gunshots]

[bonks] [gunshots] [indistinct shouting] [gunshots] agh! master. let us get out of here. yeah, we're not gonna be able to hold out much longer. agh! lady diane, would you excuse me, please? [screams] what are you doing? i have a plan, jeannie. i'm gonna make a white flag. if i can give myself up, ou and lady diane go. lady diane: i won't let them capture me again. [gunshots] what is your next plan, master? [gunshot] it's no use. they're closing in. jeannie, we gotta get her out of here. i know. if they kill her, there will not be a you. yeah. and i would not like that very much. yeah, neither would i. [gunshots]

[???] attention! the marines have landed. oh, they are not marines, master. they are british soldiers from the frigate. that's just a figure of speech, jeannie. i'll never say an unkind word about you again. aww. hey! take aim. tony: here we are! fire! can't you do anything right? i am sorry, master. give me the flag. jeannie: it is here [gunshots] hold your fire! that did it! oh! we're saved. [weeping] oh, jeannie, i-i-- i'm sorry-- i know, i know, you will never say another unkind word about me again. i only said it in the heat of action. hey! hey, there, here we come. you know, british flag. ha-ha!

[chuckling] hey! lady diane. are you all right? oh, now i am. get the rest of those pirates. [chuckling] hey! boy, are you a sight for sore eyes. you got here just in time. splendid. hang him. hang him? wait a minute. i'm one of the good guys. captain, this man saved my life. it was nothing. anybody would do it. we have orders to hang all pirates on sight. i happen to be major anthony nelson, service to nasa. is there no way to save him? none, ma'am. we're under king's orders. escort lady diane to the ship. now, wait a minute. wait. lady diane: goodbye. i guess you're not going to be my great-great-great- great-grandson. i guess i'm not. here. captain: continue the execution. jeannie!

[gunshots] [magic boings] [gunshots] tony: jeannie! jeannie! wait a minute. jeannie! wait a minute, this is a mistake. wait a minute, you guys. jeannie! jeannie! now, come on, i mean it. just-- just-- wait a minute, you guys. i'm not exactly who i-i, um, seem. please. jeannie! attention! ready! wait a minute!

knock that-- oh, that was fun, master. can we do it again? no. would you--? would you please get me out of this? i told you you would beat captain kidd, master. the next time i open my mouth, don't listen. oh, it was nothing, master. [doorbell rings] oh. [magic boings] yes, can i help you? got anything that needs killin', mate? how--? how did you get here? in my car. in your car? i'm from the quick kill exterminating service. if you got 'em, we kill 'em. [laughs] [chuckles] yeah. oh, yeah. it's-- it's-- it's remarkable. that's right, mate. and we guarantee all our work. would you like a demonstration? oh no, th-- thank you, i've had a very trying day. perhaps some other time, yes? just as you say, mate. i'll be back.

[???] [laughing] oh? did you see him? did you see him?

????] [grunting] that was very good, master. oh, well, i was just practicing up my sword arm. it's a little sore. i have to keep it in shape. oh did you enjoy being a pirate, master? well, i shouldn't admit it, but, uh... yeah, i loved it. oh, i am glad! are there any other pirates you would like to meet, master? eh, no, no, no, no. you've met one, you've met 'em all. oh, i... i suppose so. i liked your great-great-great- great-grandmother, though. oh, yes. she was wonderful, wasn't she? mm. i have a little trouble thinking of her as a sweet little old lady. she had a lot of courage. oh, yes.

was very brave also. and handsome. i wonder what he looked like? would you really like to know? yes. no, no, i don't wanna go back. really, i don't. oh, this will interest you, master. no, jeannie, please. yeah, uh-- oh. say. "the book of english nobility." how about that? hm. there's lady diane. jeannie: oh, she is lovely. what did her husband look like? tony [chuckling]: how 'bout that. [laughing] i wonder what would've happened if we hadn't been able to save her. i-i mean, if i'd had the same grandfather but a different grandmother. would you really like to know, master? yeah, yeah. would i look very different? [giggles] a little. [laughing] [in british accent] now, see here, jeannie. i don't think this is funny at all.

now, you stop this. [???] it's a bit much. i would make a wonderful secretary for your general. oh, boy. hey, that's a great idea. she'd make a great secretary. oh, thanks. it would solve everything. i would be around your general all day long, and by the time i am finished, he will want to make you a general. i'm ordering you. don't go near general peterson. oh, but i get so tired waiting around all day for you. yes, i know you do. why don't you watch television. there should be some good shows on. what is today? oh, here. uh, there's a movie that starts in a few minutes, jeannie. it's, um, a three-hour movie, and there's two more movies just like it right afterwards. oh, but that would take me all day. and by then your general will probably have hired another secretary. promise me you'll watch them all the way through. very well, i promise. yeah. we better get to the office. [sighs] that's for you. can you imagine her being a secretary,

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this way out, please. hello, miss? hey, roge. who are all the girls? oh, they're the gals that tried out for general peterson's secretary. boy, if those are the rejects, i'd love to see who he picked. whew. i wonder if jeannie's enjoying her movies, huh? yeah. what i wanted to talk to you about... roge?

[clears throat] excuse me, is this the general's office? yes, it is. oh, i am so sorry it took me so long to get here, but i had to see that last movie. hee-hee! i am the general's new secretary. well, i'm afraid you're a little late, honey. i've, uh, already gotten the job. oh, but it is very important that i have it. you see, it is not so much for me, but for my master. uh, tough luck. uh, why don't you just go find yourself a crying towel. a crying towel? beat it. i'm busy. [intercom buzzes] peterson: will you come in, please? ah, right away, general.

yes? [screams] oh. you may have the job. [giggles] look, don't send me any more women. find me a male secretary... fast. oh. who are you? i am your new secretary, general patterson. peterson. i'm sorry, i can't use you. oh, but i would be very valuable to you. [phone ringing]

general peterson here. admiral billings? yeah, put him on. oh, hello, chick. it's nice to hear your voice. yes, i heard there was gonna be a meeting, but nobody's notified me officially yet. oh, washington? oh, sure, i'll make it a point to be there. oh, everything's fine here. we're beginning to get our apollo off the ground. yeah. our next meeting may be up on the moon. i know, there's no such thing as science fiction anymore. well, i'll be looking forward to seeing you. thanks for letting me know. goodbye. oh, i tell you what you can do. until my secretary gets here, you can, uh, clean up the-- oh, i have already done that. well, you can type the-- they are typed. well, you can straighten up my--

this is general peterson. forget about sending me another secretary. i found one. thank you, general patterson. peterson. oh, yes, i am sorry. well, you and i are gonna get along very nicely, miss, uh... jeannie. miss jeannie. what's your first name? jeannie. jeannie jeannie. i-i will file these. fine. now, i have an 11:00 appointment with dr. bellows and, uh-- major anthony nelson. oh, is he not wonderful?

good morning. i'm, uh, here to see general peterson. i'm anthony nelson. i know. what are you doing--? what are you doing here? i saw all the movies. would you like to hear the plot? in one of them, this poor cowboy-- get out of here before general peterson sees you. he's already seen me. i am his new secretary. yeah-- you're his what? huh? yes. and now that i am going to be here, we can have lunch in the cafeteria every day. oh, i love cafeterias. you're not gonna be here because we're not gonna have lunch together-- now, you pop out and go home right now. come on, go. oh, but i cannot do that. why not? because, i would lose my unemployment insurance. lose your unemployment--? oh, dr. bellows. how are you, sir? good morning, major. oh, i, uh-- i don't believe we've met. i'm dr. alfred bellows. yes, major nelson is always telling me how-- i hate to be late for appointments. i don't think we ought to keep general peterson waiting. uh, you go in. i'll be right there. yeah. you look very familiar. have we met before? yes. remember when you came--

i know you from somewhere. she has one of those faces. it could fit almost anybody. i do not. i never forget a face. perhaps if we had a chat, we could remember where. are you free for lunch? in the cafeteria? if you like. oh, i would like that. fine. now, i'll pick you up here. come along, major. we don't want to keep the general waiting. yeah, right. uh, major. would you make a copy of that? uh, major. yes, sir. [sighs] you are three minutes late. i'm sorry. very sorry, sir. well, look that over. yes, sir. now, if you see those two formulas at the top of the page, you'll notice one is neutral and one is acid. yes, sir. it's very important to keep that in mind. i'm sorry. i broke your pencil, sir. i'll get one from your secretary. major, here's a pencil.

please, forget about the coffee. now, if you'll just take your diagrams there. oh, i think i have them in here. i know i had them, uh... i-i-i-i suppose i left them in my office, sir. major. yes? go get your diagrams. yes, sir. i'm terribly sorry for the delay. excuse me. i think he has a reason to be nervous, general. what? does your secretary have a security clearance? security clearance? yes. [scoffs] this is a very sensitive base, general. i know i've seen that girl before. but she denies it. why? where'd she come from? what is she after?

some answers. and if she doesn't talk? i'm a psychiatrist. yeah, that's right. yes. yes, that's right. seven p.m. mm-hm. i will tell him. bye-bye. i have taken my first phone message. oh, good. oh. oh! what is it? i forgot to ask who was calling. jeannie, has dr. bellows ever seen you before? well, yes, yes-- when? remember, he-- he came into the kitchen one time dinner. yeah. ha-ha! i do not know what gave him that silly idea, but he thought that you and i were-- were gonna get married, yeah. yes, yes. but you can't have lunch with him. oh, but why not? look, he's only seen you once. if he spends any time with you, he'll know that you were the girl in my kitchen. oh, do not worry, master. i will outsmart him. outsmart-- outsmart him-- no, no, that's the one thing you mustn't do. you mustn't try to outsmart him. you see, he's a psychiatrist. it's his job to outsmart people--

oh, i am looking forward to it. uh, so am i. so am i. major.

here we are. well. oh. this is so exciting. exciting? oh, yes. i am not allowed out of the house very often. you're not? no. and you know, it gets so tiring watching three movies on television. of course, the plot to the second one was lovely. it was this boy and girl who were engaged, and the mother objected-- engaged. that's it. now i remember. weren't you and major nelson engaged? i-i hardly know major nelson. i see.

where am i from? yes. uh, where were you born? where was i born? well, you must have been born somewhere. you know where you were born. oh, of course, of course. in, uh, i-oh-ho. i-oh-ho? oh-i-oh-wa? oh-i-oh-wa-- what? chicago? oh, yes. y. tell me... what part of, uh, chicago did you live in? the lake section? no, no. the mountains. the mountains? mm-hm. did you, um, ever climb to the top of, uh, mount chicago? oh, yes. we used to do it all the time. did you? hmm. fascinating.

he was a used camel salesman. i beg your pardon? uh, a used car salesman. oh, very interesting. i like this. well, so do i. as a matter of fact, it may turn out to be the best lunch i've ever had in my whole life. oh. ha-ha. tell me more about yourself. may i? oh, i love to talk about myself. well, when i was a little girl in chicago, my mommy and daddy and i could never go away for weekends. to feed the camels. the cars. and mama used to pack this marvelous lunch in a wicker basket... hi, al. tony, you gotta see the new dish in general peterson's office. whew. [clears throat] --around the base? what about dinner tonight? i asked her first about dinner. gentlemen, please. i'm sure you all have some work to do. [indistinct chattering]

you have some work, don't you? yes, i do. i better get back to work. fine. i will see you all later. i'm going to take you up on that. all right. bye-bye. thank you very much. bye. [giggles] ohh, they are all so friendly. ha-ha! yes, aren't they? what about lunch? hm? lunch. oh, well, it was wonderful. we had roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy and green beans and-- i'm not interested in the menu. what did you and dr. bellows talk about? oh, you do not have to worry, master. he was like a child in my hands. yeah-- you-- he wasn't suspicious? oh, not anymore. he was at first. yeah. but then, i told him that my father was a used car salesman in chicago. from then on, it was easy. really? yes. i had him eating out of my hand. yeah. well, th-th-that's wonderful. but i don't think we ought to take any chances. you better pop out of here and go home. no. no? no. no. not until i've had general peterson promote you to a general.

and you do not have to worry about dr. bellows. yeah. [giggles] he will be no problem at all. long distance? this is dr. alfred bellows at cape kennedy. let me speak to the cia in washington. [typewriter clacking rapidly] hello, jeannie. hello, master. you came to watch me work. no, i came to tell you some very exciting news. really? mm-hm. [magic boings, typing stops] what happened? [gasps] oh, master. oh, the stars of a general. mm, yes, i just got the news. oh, that is wonderful. and i hardly mentioned you at all to general patterson-- peterson. yeah, well, he must've gotten the message. he has a very fast mind. oh, i am so happy. oh! now i can hold my head up in front of all those other genies. yeah, i thought you'd be pleased. oh! and you can tell general peterson that he-- he's just gonna have to get himself a new secretary. mm. i will. [both laugh] general anthony nelson. yeah.

jeannie. uh, hello, tony. general. can you make five copies of those, please? i'd like them in the afternoon mail. oh, yes, sir. why, major? i'm glad you asked me that, sir. oh, but it is not "major." it is "general." uh, general. general anthony nelson. did they not tell you? no. did they tell you? no, sir. no, sir. [clears throat] um, i can explain, sir. i was trying to impress the girl. you know how it is. a beautiful girl and a pair of stars on the shoulder. it's a very impressive thing and, uh... you were young-- when you were young-- it's a practical joke, really. next time you try a little joke like this, you'll be headed straight for a court-martial. take those stars off, major.

job. well-- well, now-- n-now i will never quit. not until you are a full-bird general. [knock at door] come in. dr. bellows. yes? amos lincoln, cia. oh, hello, mr. lincoln. uh, sit down, won't you. thank you. i'm sorry i couldn't get here sooner. our flight from washington was delayed. you flew in from washington? uh-huh. oh, you really needn't have bothered, mr. lincoln. about one of our employees. well, it may have started out as a routine matter, doctor, but at this point, it's on the top priority list of half a dozen government agencies. i don't understand. first of all, there's no record of a miss jeannie jeannie having been born in chicago. i knew it. or anywhere else in the united states. you mean, she's an alien? well, if she is, she's here illegally. the immigration department has no record of her ever having entered the country.

application from her. and the air force has no security clearance on miss jeannie jeannie. you beginning to get the picture? that's incredible. doctor, i've been with the bureau for over 15 years, and this is the first time we haven't been able to turn up one single statistic on a person. for all we've been able to find out, she might've sprung up out of thin air. bellows: she came from somewhere. that's right. don't worry. before we're through, we'll be able to tell you everything out that girl. [knock at door] jeannie. h-hello, master. hello. you are not angry with me? angry with you? no. as a matter of fact, i'm grateful to you. you are? well. what have i done? oh, it's not what you've done. it's what you're gonna do. general anthony nelson. i thought you did not want to be a general?

do you realize what this means to me? this means that i'm gonna be the youngest general in the united states air force. yes. mm. it's gonna be a pay hike, uh, uh, power, uh, more prestige, privilege-- oh, i knew you would change your mind. how soon can you arrange it? oh, right away. uh... this afternoon? good, good, good. that's wonderful. and now, uh... now, wait a minute. you better give me a couple of days. uh, i still have a few things to clear up first. what? well, i just, uh-- i have a few things to clear up first. everything's all set. oh, good. i thought you'd never get here. i thought you could take eloise out to breakfast. uh-huh. and you could take edna out to lunch. yeah. and you could just pick one of these beauties here for dinner, huh. any one of those. ah, yeah. juanita. i'll take her out to dinner, and we'll see which one of these will do. ooh, wh-wh-which one of these will do what? who--? who are they? oh, one of these girls is gonna be my wife. your wife? isn't that great?

so i brought over a few pictures here to view the eligible girls in town. generals have to be married? oh, yes. yes. uh, that's one of the rules. now...

master? about juanita, i think... you mean, in order to be a general, you must have a wife? oh, yeah. that's right. oh! you cannot marry any of these girls. why not? they're really all quite nice. yes, you don't have to worry. i'm gonna pick out a good one. well, i think i have made a mistake. huh? uh, uh, y-y-you are much too young to be a general. i am? would you be terribly upset if you were not a general?

but if-- if you don't think it's a good idea, then-- oh, it is a terrible idea, master. yeah. all right, then i won't. oh, thank you. ha-ha! you go home and fix some dinner, and i'll be there later. oh, no. please let me stay with you. no, really. i'd rather you go home now. but i want to play secretary. now, really. now. very well. i did it. i did it. you did it? i did it. i was helping. i was the one who brought the pictures. oh, you were great. ha-ha-ha! i told you, when she saw those pictures, she'd flip. one picture is worth a thousand words. y. [magic boings] [laughs] well, you're still the old master. yeah. oh, god, i hated to do it-- we're looking for miss jeannie. have you seen her? uh, jean-- miss jeannie. oh, no, you mean the girl that was just here? no, she's gone. when will she be back? i don't think she's coming back. uh, that's right. well, we'll find her. you're wearing sergeant stripes, major. yeah, what are you doing in these sergeant stripes? would you mind explaining that, major nelson? yes-- yeah. whose side are you on?

well, i have this girlfriend, a-and she sometimes just doesn't... ? green acres is the place to be ? ? farm livin' is the life for me ? ? land spreadin' out so far and wide ? ? keep manhattan, just give me that countryside ? ? new york is where i'd rather stay ? ? i get allergic smelling hay ? ? i just adore a penthouse view ? ? darling, i love you, but give me park avenue ? ? the chores ? ? the stores ? ? fresh air ? ? times square ?