[ music ] >> okay, now, folks... [ applause ] uh, our first guest came to us through the attention of a fella by the name of mark garrison who is a reporter in north carolina. and tonight, we're gonna meet flat nose the tree climbing dog, but first we thought you'd like to meet his owner. please welcome barney odum. barney.

barney, how are you? >> i'm doing all right. i seen a lotta things. >> saw a lotta things out here? >> i really enjoyed lookin' at. >> you're from the carolinas, are you? because you said "thang" right off, right? >> now, if you can't understand me, you let me know, and i'll talk-- try to talk a little bit plainer. >> i understand you perfectly. i spent-- i spent a lot of time in the south when i was in the service. >> ah. >> they speak a little bit different in carolina than they do in georgia, and it through the south. >> they speak a lot different down here than they do in dovesville. >> that's your hometown, deauville? >> dovesville, d-o-v-e-s-- >> oh, excuse me dovesville. >> d-o-v-- yeah. [ laughter ] we'll get it. >> i just don't have your knack for that, barney. is this your first trip to california? >> yeah, first time i ever been on an airplane. >> are you serious? >> yeah, but i brought me

two along in case i needed 'em, you know what i'm talking about? >> really? was it-- >> they had-- they had a show on that plane. i never would have believed that. >> a show? a floor show? >> i watched a movie. >> oh, a movie! >> on the way up here. the only thing i worried about-- it fallin', but i wouldn't ever knowed anything about it anyhow. >> yeah. you worried about falling. so first airplane trip, huh? >> yeah, first time i ever been on an airplane, but i enjoyed it. re >> they treated you nice and everything? >> yeah, they some good people in california. >> yeah, you gonna spend a little time here with us, or are you gonna go right back? >> well, we're gonna leave and go back tomorrow. i got to get into that turkey, you know what i'm talking about? >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> you lived in south carolina all your life? >> yeah, i lived out-- i'm a country boy. i lived there all my life. >> and you're married. got a family out here i understand. >> yeah, but i didn't-- wouldn't

three times. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> obviously you get all the latest news out there. well, that's true, barney. i'm sorry to say that's true. how 'bout you? just one time? >> one time. >> how old were you? did you get married when you were young? >> i dated my wife-- i dated about a year. >> yeah. >> and she said, "barney, "will you marry me?" i said, "well, frankie, "you're gonna have to give me "a few years to think that "thing over," you know what i'm talking about? >> yeah. >> so we dated on about six months. she said, "barney, "if you don't marry me, "i'mma quit datin' you." you know i thought a lot of her. you know what? i love her, you know what i'm talking about? so i made a deal with her. i told her i'll marry her

and i been working ever since. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> mr. john, she fooled me, you know what? but i enjoy her, too. she's all right. i love her, i do. >> well, that's good. you sound like a real happy man. >> yeah. >> you have children? >> you gonna get hitched up again? >> i don't know, barney. [ laughter ] if i can get the same deal-- if i can get the same deal you tried to get, yeah, i might. i got four children. i got four boys. i got one that's 25, i got one that's 24, i got one that's 23, and the youngest one's 17. you know people ask me why wait to name the last one barney, jr. >> the last one's barney, jr.? >> yes, and i tell them, "i don't know.

and i be wondering about that, myself, you know what i'm saying? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> if i were you, barney, i wouldn't press her for an answer. [ laughter ] yeah, okay-- >> she probably gonna kill me when i get home for tellin' you that. >> oh, no, no, i don't think so. >> but i know how to beg her, you know what i'm talkin' about? >> now what? >> beg her. yeah, for forgiveness? >> yeah. if she get on me too hard, i know how to get out of it. >> yeah. >> i been married 26 years. when you been married 26 years, you learn how to get out of stuff, you know? [ laughter ] >> you better have learned to get out of stuff. yeah. you got a good attitude to marriage, barney. now i'll tell you what. we're gonna come back and, uh, bring your dog out here called flat nose. i have never seen a dog in my life climb a tree.

they just-- do they? >> well, uh, i got, uh, six of 'em. >> six dogs. >> and i used to walk them around the woods, i reckon, about a mile around some woods. and i sic 'em through the woods, and flat nose dog went up on top of the pine tree. >> yeah. >> i started to whip him about it. one day i was out in the yard, and flat nose went up a pine tree. i said, "well, i'll be dog g "if old flat nose "can't climb a tree." you know what i'm talking about? >> how did you give him-- how did you give him the name flat nose? >> them children of mine named him that, when he was little, 'cause his nose was real flat. >> so he's called flat nose? >> flat nose. he's somethin', too. >> well, i can't wait to see him. will he-- now, i understand he did fine this afternoon in rehearsal. >> yeah, he done a good job. >> okay. is this his first time on television? i guess maybe he's worked

people been out to the house. >> oh, they been out to the house. >> yeah, pm magazine, channel 13, channel 3 out of charlotte. >> but this is the first time in the real big time, right? >> yeah, this is the first time he ever been on anything like this here. me, too. >> oh, that's right. [ cheers and applause ] >> hey, mr. john. >> yes, barney. >> i got six dogs. i got one named grisby. >> grisby. >>us and i got one named target. >> target. >> 'cause he got a patch over his eye. i got one named peeper. named him 'cause his eyes look funny. you know what i'm talking about? >> yeah. >> i got one named little bit. named her that 'cause she's real small. she weighs about 35 pounds. then i named one george. i took-- when they were little puppies, i took 'em all up to the country store up there. >> the store.

named george up there, and one of 'em wet on him, so i-- so i told george i'm gonna name him that. you know what i'm talking about? >> well, i think it's a nice honor, yes. >> and there been a lotta people out there at that store, you know, they pick him out the crowd, that fella. well, he's uglier than the bulldog. >> okay, well, in just a moment, we're gonna come back. we're gonna meet fl n >> we're gonna have to take a break here, but we're coming right back. stay where you are.

[ music ] >> okay, we are back. if you just tuned in, folks-- if you just tuned in, we're about ready for the big moment. we're talking with barney odum from dovesville, right? >> dovesville. >> dovesville. i'm getting that, barney. now-- >> can you understand me? >> i understand you-- when you

i knew you meant "store." >> yeah. >> and if you're driving your car, and you have a flat, you have to get a new tahr. >> that's right. >> you don't get a tire, you get a new tahr at the sto'. >> that's right. >> sure, i understand you completely-- i told you. i spent time down south. all right, are we ready now to bring flat nose out? >> yeah. >> okay, let's go over there and meet your dog. >> come here, flat nose. [ indistinct chatter ] >> okay, flat nose is waiting. >> come on. get to know flat nose. come here flat nose. [ applause ] >> hey, flat nose, how are you? what kind of a dog is he? >> he's a pit and english bulldog. >> now, i notice you have a little pillow or something tied up there. >> yeah, he'll go up there to that pillow and get it. >> i don't believe it. i don't believe it. are we all set? >> well, we gonna get a chance to see that fella kiss him before it's over. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]

see it, flat nose? hey, hey, look, look. hey, go get it, flat nose. go get it, boy. go get it, flat nose. get up there, flat nose! that fella gotta kiss you now. get up there, flat nose. go, go, go, flat nose. [ indistinct chatter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ indistinct chatter ] >> okay, now, hold it one second. before we come back. stay there a second, one second. now you're gonna let him-- you're gonna let him go get the pillow? >> yeah, then i wanna see that fella kiss him. >> yeah, okay. [ laughter ] >> flat nose, hey, hey. go get it, flat nose. go get it, boy. go get it, flat nose. go, go, flat nose. get up that there tree, flat nose. go, flat nose. go, flat nose.

[ cheers and applause ] [ indistinct chatter ] >> doc, this is, uh-- i'd like you to meet-- [ cheers and applause ] doc, i'd like you to meet flat nose. you have any message for flat nose at all? >> i think flat nose is my date for tonight. >> okay. >> barney, it's nice to meet you. >> yeah, man. >> thank you. thanks for coming. >> enjoy meetin' you. >> have a nice, safe trip back home, and thank you for bringing flat nose. you're a nice man.

>> that is something. >> and we'll be back.

[ music ] >> all right, we are back. well... [ cheers and applause ] this would normally be a tough spot for a comedian. you just followed... a crazy dog climbing a tree, but for george carlin, this presents no problem at all. he's one of the most inventive, funny guys in the business, and he's gonna be performing at caesars lake tahoe, on the 28th and 29th of this month. would you welcome george carlin? [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> hello, hello. how are you doing tonight? nice to see you all. hello, doctor.

i went into the commissary. uh, i ate at the commissary. you know, last time-- what'd i have last time? was the, uh, breast of hyena, which was great. this time they've got a new little gourmet section. i don't know if you're aware but there's a gourmet section, and the maitre'd ulrich was very nice. he gave me a little of everything. first i had the rack of weasel, very good. a piping hot bowl of wolf noodle soup. the loin of gopher was of course, stir-fried mole, curried woodpecker, and topped it all off with some nice candied unicorn mcnuggets. [ laughter ] so they got me. now i'm gonna be a regular-- regular patron. of course, i don't have to remind you. you've been told four or five times, and you probably knew this from your datebooks. tomorrow is thanksgiving, and i'm happy because it's a day that you really understand that you're living in the 20th century,

'cause turkeys all over america will baste themselves in ovens that will later clean themselves. [ laughter ] now, we're not having turkey this year. we're a little tired of that. you get tired after a while, i think. we're, uh, we're having seagull. [ laughter ] yeah, they're a little fishy, you know, but you don't have to add salt, which makes 'em great. we've experimented before. one year we had a stork, which was kinda nice, a hell of a noise. and then a couple years ago we were experimenting. we had common street pigeon. unfortunately, three of the guests did pass away. so, i'm, uh, i'm anxious to get going here into my usual subjects, my little potpourri. i was a little late today. sorry if i upset anybody here. i had an unusual incident in traffic. i either ran over a sheep...

[ laughter ] and i'm not sure because i didn't stick around, you know. i just kept moving. that's what you gotta do, by the way. if you have an automobile accident and you run someone over, just get the hell outta there. if you get outta your car, all you're gonna do is add to the confusion, you know. and they're gonna wanna know your name and your address, or some wise guy goes, "you got any insurance?" you know. the hell out of there, because, uh, all you'll do, like i say-- they got enough trouble without you stopping, you know? so head on out. look at it this way. hey, it's none of your concern. [ laughter ] all right? that's all you gotta remember. that's right. [ applause ] you mind your own business in life, you'll be okay. which brings me-- it gets me philosophical, but the wisest man, the wisest man i ever met

i never forgot, and although i-i never forgot it, i never quite memorized it either, so what i'm... [ laughter ] i kind of left with having heard something that was really wise that i just can't remember, you know. you know what you never see? a japanese guy named biff. [ laughter ] at least i don't recall any. also, you never hear of cancer of the heart. i know this is an unpleasant subject, but there's a lot of different kinds of cancers, and there's a lot of heart disease, and you never hear of cancer of the heart. one of those unusual things. here's a fact that... [ laughter ] a lot of people haven't thought of. don ho-- don ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than efrem zimbalist, jr. [ laughter ] you know that expression

"than the sword?" i was thinking of that today. they oughta update that. i think they did one time during the second world war. the pen is mightier than the sword. i think the typewriter is mightier than the machine gun, but i think it's time for, uh, the word processor is mightier than the particle beam weapon. [ laughter ] not all of these things are intended to be funny, by the way. [ laughter ] some of these are more, like, you think about them and drive home. um... let me ask you a question. if a real stupid person becomes senile, how do you know? [ laughter ] [ applause ] just... i had kind of an unusual problem lately. i mixed up the phone numbers for schick center for control of smoking with the evelyn woods speed reading course, and i now-- i've given up reading, but i can smoke a carton of cigarettes in ten minutes.

you know, life is like the 5 and 10 cent store. you go in, you see something you want, you pay the clerk, they put it in the bag, and you take it home. that's another one of those ones that's not intended to be funny. [ laughter ] it's something you wanna think about later on. hey, you know how you get rid of counterfeit money? put it in the collection plate at church. [ laughter ] huh? okay. i'd like to do my impression-- 'cause i don't do many impressions. i'ke of kirk douglas and walter brennan combined. eeeeh! [ laughter ] thank you. thank you very much. thank you, thank you. it's all right. you know what i say? if the shoe fits, get another one just like it. [ laughter ] i'd like to leave you with something intelligent, but unfortunately that's out of the question. good night. thank you very much.

>> some more, uh, some more pithy observations about the human condition. >> you do what you can. >> which is a little sad lately. we're gonna take a commercial. we'll come back and follow up on some other subjects of material interests or not.

[ music ] >> all right, we are back. [ applause ] >> yeah. >> how are things in general? >> pretty good. i feel great these days. i'm showering with new zest, and i have none of that sticky film anymore. none of that sticky film. i went through my whole life with that sticky film. and i-- well, it's just-- it's good to be alive. i'm into a new lifestyle which doesn't require my presence. >> ah. >> so i can-- if i don't wanna, i don't have to get up at all, and i still get credit for a full day, so... >> have you been hanging out with shirley maclaine at all?

you know, it's a cliche to use this phrase-- trying to find out who i was and where i was going, and to my great surprise, i found out that i was elizabeth newsteader, and i was going to medicine bull, wyoming, so i had to do something quick, and what i'm doing about it... uh-- >> seek help, seek help. >> next week, i'm going into the plastic surgeon. i'm having my handwriting changed surgically. and all the values i figure, and all the autographs-- that you really, on the way home-- >> yeah, you have to. yeah, i spent-- maybe after you're home on that one. [ laughter ] but i've been feeling perky and well, and my health is good again. >> you've never had any problems, have you? >> well, i've had a big heart attack. outside of that, no. [ laughter ] >> that was some time ago. >> yeah, that was going on five years now. >> does that scare you? >> that scared me a lot, but i-- what i did was-- >> that was a dumb question. of course it scared you. >> i stopped having them. i just--

[ overlapping chatter ] lately it's little things i'm getting. little things are bothering me. like i had a ringing in my ear. i went to the doctor. they found a small bell. [ laughter ] the strangest thing. and i found out there's a-- there's a disease-- not a disease, it's an ailment called objective-- it's called tinnitus when you have-- there's a disease called objective tinnitus where other people can hear the ringing and you can't. it's kinda strange, but-- [ laughter ] also, they found a spot thank god it was mustard. and i-- this chair-- now this chair is not good for the back, 'cause i'm feeling it in my back. i got, uh-- >> you have a problem with your lower back? >> well, not a bad-- i don't have a bad back, it just got in with the wrong company, you know? but years-- [ laughter ] but years ago, i was injured in a runaway barcalounger. by the time i got over that, i was traveling throughout new england, and i was beaten up

[ laughter ] and they're vicious because they very rarely get that kind of a feeling out. [ laughter ] my family is well, you know. >> oh, are they really? >> yeah, my family, my son-- you remember last time i was here i mentioned my son dartanian. >> dartanian, yeah. that was a strange name to give a youngster. >> well, i have-- a lotta people aren't aware-- >> historically, it's nice. >> yeah, but he-he's not a bad-- i'll tell you, he was in trouble-- a couple of 'em are in trouble now, but i've got 11 sons. a lot of people are not aware of that. >> i didn't know you had that large of a family. >> i have 11 sons. i have ackbar. >> ackbar. >> ackbar, buzzy, sherlock, tonto, uh, nebuchadnezzar, pinocchio, mustafa, and ace. [ laughter ] oh, oh, and john. i named him when i was still doing a lotta drugs. [ laughter ] yeah. >> ace. >> but my-- my favorite-- you know how you have a favorite? my favorite, i think,

>> oh, i didn't mention mandrake. right, mandrake. he's, uh, he's not too, you know, swift. i think the cheese fell off his cracker a long time ago. uh... [ laughter ] i get the feeling that mandrake peaked in kindergarten. but he's a good kid. he gets in trouble. he's in trouble with the law again, unfortunately. >> oh, no. >> they got him for, um, unlawful pruning of a city-owned tree. it's not serious, you know, but, um... >> what would possess a child to do this? >> i know! he's older now. he's 24. >> you go through that stage i suppose where you go around and get that pruning urge. >> yeah. it's true. >> it's like going through puberty. it's going through pruning. >> sowing your wild oats. it's similar. uh, i laugh at this stuff because you have to. >> or you don't get paid. >> it's true, it's true. they take you away. >> it's a rule in showbusiness. >> he is-- it's-- the pruning thing isn't

he's had prior arrests. >> the same thing? >> no, no, no, uh, previously, uh, operating an illegal gymnasium. which is all-- kind of an offbeat thing. again, he got in with bad people. >> yeah. >> and i can't think of the other thing. it was real bad, whatever it was. [ laughter ] yeah, it'll come to me later. >> just make something up. >> can we get the dog out here? >> sure. how are your investments going? you always have some new things that you're investing in. >> that guy, uh, my guy's not much better than your bombastic bush-- plastic gongs, you know? >> yeah, didn't go at all. prescription toilet paper, we didn't make a nickel on that. i didn't even understand that one. >> no. >> and then he tried to get me into a professional javelin throwing franchise. >> you mean like team tennis, you mean? >> yeah, similar. indoor, uh, javelin throwing and stuff, and, uh-- >> it's hard to turn out a crowd for that. >> it is. well, see, it's just new, pro-- the amateurs they come out for, but it's pro now, and they can't

i haven't lost all my money. this is a new roach spray. it doesn't kill the roaches, but it fills them with self doubt.

[ music ] >>ka have time for a thank you. thank you, barney. i should mention that ian mckellen said he'll come back with us on december 10, because we ran a little long tonight with barney. thank you for bringing your crazy, silly, brilliant self as usual. it's always fun having you here. >> quickly, i'm a member of an orgasm workshop and we have a meeting tonight. >> really? [ laughter ]

? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waiting for you ? ? we've been waiting for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too. ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? three's company, too. ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ?

( knock at door ) help! thank you, i could use some help. ( audience laughter ) ( muffled ): jack, can you help me, please? huh? janet, listen to this, would you? "dear sirs, it has long been my ambition "to work in the finest restaurant in southern california, and..." janet!

i'm getting this resume ready for cindy. she promised to type it for me. she's only been here two weeks. don't you think that's taking advantage? no, it's the least she can do after what she's done to me. well, come on, accidents do happen. with cindy, all the time. what about my sprained shoulder where she hit me with the door? or my foot, where she dropped the iron? and would you care to see where she hit me with the doorknob? no! 't chrissy's cousin... you would have to get somebody else to do your typing for you. janet, i want to see how you like this. "dear sirs... "it has long been my ambition "to work in the finest restaurant "in southern california. "with this in mind, i should like to apply for a position "with your wonderful establishment. sincerely, your obedient and humble servant, jack tripper." what do you think?

janet, there's nothing wrong with a little flattery, as long as it's sincere. okay, if you think it'll work. how could it miss? it's going to every restaurant in town. ( doorbell rings ) here jack, make yourself useful. ( laughter ) mr. furley, what happened to your spathiphyllum? my spathi-what? your spathiphyllum? gee, and i've been calling it a fern. what happened to it? well, i was hoping you could tell me. i've been taking very good care of it: making sure it got plenty of sunlight lots of plant food. i even dusted it every day. golly, how often did you water it? water?

g that on in here. oh, isn't that the sorriest sight you've ever seen? maybe if he took off his hat. not me, the spathiph... spathi... spathi... you mean the fern? i'll take that. why don't you just sit down and finish your resume? resume? you're writing a resume? oh, you've got to let me help you with that. you're talking to an expert in that department. is you can never underestimate the importance of a resume. how do you think i got this job? your brother owns the building. i still had to write a resume. mr. furley, i really appreciate your offer but i... no, no, no, no, no, no... what's wrong? no-- weak, jack, weak... wishy-washy. wishy-washy? of course, that's your style. i should say "swishy-swashy." thank you very much.

get some work... urgh! jack? janet? hi. oh, jack, you'll never guess what happened. i know what happened-- you came home. the office today... no, later-- my head's ringing and i'd like to go answer it. but jack! go on, cindy, i'm all ears. that's okay, with that hat on, nobody will notice. ( laughter ) janet, wait till you hear the funny thing that happened at work. tell me about it. i was getting coffee for my boss when jerry williams came out of the storeroom. you were getting coffee for your boss? that's not the funny part. when jerry opened the door... no, no, no, wait a minute. your boss has got a broken leg? not that i noticed. well, then, what were you doing getting his coffee? janet, i'm his secretary. cindy, what does that mean? it's part of the job like typing his letters, answering his telephone picking up his clothes from the cleaners...

ah! next you'll be out shopping for his wife's birthday present. oh, no, that was last week. did you do it on your lunch hour? no! during lunch hour, i got his car washed. you didn't! didn't what? jack... you won't believe what cindy has been doing for her boss. cindy! ( laughter ) shame on you. jack! this is no kidding matter. come on, listen: she gets his coffee she picks up his cleaning she goes and gets his car washed she picks out a birthday present for his wife... oh, secretarial things. ( laughter ) what did you say? you know, women things. what did you say?! i hear my yams screaming. oh! ooh, just like a man! i... ugh, cindy... you've just got to learn how to say no every once in a while. my father says i should say no all the time.

now, come on, tomorrow i want you to go to your office and tell your boss that from now on he can get his own coffee and he can run his own errands. but bosses don't do that. what do you think they have secretaries for? come here. we're going to have a little chat. about what? about dignity, self respect, and professionalism. okay, just as long as we don't talk about my job. s ) good morning, mr. hadley's office. oh, hi, janet. no, i haven't told him yet. because he hasn't come in. yes, janet, i'll tell him everything you said. no, i'm not going to get his coffee. no, i'm not going to... he's coming, bye. good morning. good morning, mr. hadley.

mr. hadley, there's something i'd like to talk to you about. it may not seem important to you... for you. i... just thought they might brighten up your day. oh... thank you, mr. hadley. they're beautiful. oh, and cindy... i'll get your coffee now. ( laughter ) can i help you? you already have. and i mean that sincerely. no, actually, i was looking for a friend of mine, cindy snow. she'll be right back, have a seat. oh, thank you. you know, it's... over there.

natural mistake. sorry. oh, hi, jack. hi, cindy. i'm about done with your resume. oh, good-- is that it? look at... isn't it funny how a good typing job makes all those lies seem almost believable? cindy, my coffee? oh, it's right here, mr. hadley. i was just finishing up this resume. resume? i hope you're not unhappy in your job. oh, no. it's for my friend jack. on company time? who gave you permission to do that? oh, it didn't take me long. excuse me, i'm afraid that's all my fault, mr. badly... hadley. and if you don't mind, i'm talking to my secretary, sonny. now, you know the rules regarding personal business on company time? you mean like getting your coffee?

and buying presents for your wife? jack, i don't think this is... and dropping off your dirty old clothes? i had no idea... oh, well, actually... she was hired on as a secretary, not a maid. jack! and another thing, mr. badly... hadley! i really would suggest to you that you get your own coffee and run your own errands. the exercise might do you some good. he's joking, this one's always joking. if you really feel that way... take my word for it. oh, she does? wait a minute! do you two mind? if there's anything you'd like to talk to me about i wish that you speak to me directly. you're right. i feel that way, too. miss snow, you're fired. hey... i guess he won't be pushing you around anymore. ( laughter ) i'm sorry.

hey, what are you doing, jack? you're starting a new job tonight. shouldn't you be reading recipes instead of the paper? janet, does marlon brando read about acting? does jack nicklaus read golf manuals? does billy graham read the bible? well, now that's a bad example... but you know what i mean? i'm sorry, i was just trying to help. janet, i am a p-r-o-fessional. ( phone ringing ) i don't need to read recipes. i got it all up here. hello. david who? what? oh, yes, i'm him, i'm me. david miller speaking. hi. funny thing you calling now, mr. angelino. i was just brushing up on my recipes. oh... ( grunting ) what? who? jason deveroux, the food critic-- he's coming to the restaurant tonight. he's requested my specialty.

oh, that specialty. oh, hey, no prob, mr angelino. no, i can do that one with my eyes closed. okay, see you soon. uh-huh, bye-bye. jack, where you going? what are you doing? poulet, poulet... poulet poche aux aromat au naturel. oh, you don't need this. give me that. you don't need this. janet, give me that. come here. no. don't be such a tease, janet. i want it. you can't have it. janet, i just want to look at it for a minute. hi, cindy. come here. she won't give me my cookbook. cookbook? yeah. get up, get up. don't you hit me. here, take it, you big baby.

i'll take it with me. guess who's going to be at angelino's tonight. me. no, me. my boss asked me to entertain a client tonight. we're going to angelino's. that's great, but remember, i'm david miller. if you see me, don't give me away. you won't even know i'm there. good... oh, i'll get it. ow! believe me, i'll know you're there. ( knocking ) i'm coming. hold your horses. who is it? furley: open up! it's me! quick, lock the door! mr. furley... i was almost rubbed out! a gangster just left my apartment! help me push this couch against the door.

know he was a gangster? he told me. he wanted information, but i didn't crack. i didn't tell him anything. how could i? i don't know anything. well, what did the guy want? he was looking for some guy he thought lived in this building. he wanted to give him a message. what message? rest in peace. i'd hate to be in david miller's shoes. who? the man he was looking for. mr. furley, where did that guy go? i think he was hungry. he said something about going to a restaurant. oh, my god! we have to get down to angelino's restaurant right away! i'm not budging from this spot! what if that gangster comes back? i won't be here. i'll be right with you. my purse. mr. furley... mr. furley! let go!

oh, waiter... yes, mr. miller? a little green for the navy bean. that's kitchen comedy. it's just... carry on. ( whistles ) sprinkle with tarragon. miller! you are doing great. i am? jason deveroux told me he just loves your soup. he does...? well, i knew he would. hey, what's a piece of paper doing in this chicken? oh, that. that's a special dish of mine.

." i never met a great chef who wasn't crazy. one salmon mousse, mr. miller. ah, one salmon coming right upstream. ( chuckles ) ( chuckles ) how's the salad coming, felipe? oh, very well. and may i say what a pleasure it is to work alongside the great david miller. oh, well, thank you, felipe. oh, no. thank you, senor. six years. six years i work in this kitchen.

but i watch i learn i slave waiting for the chance to become a chef. and along comes this gringo and steals my job. ( chuckling ) felipe, is there something the matter? your greatness. yes. ( metal scraping ) it's all right. i am a patient man. i wait my chance. after all, he cannot live forever.

you david miller? yes, sir, that's me. lefty don't like no chumps that don't pay off their gambling debts. lefty? gam... i think you got the wrong guy. just cough up the $200. ( coughing ) 2-200... i don't have $200. oh, now that is a shame. why don't we sit down and talk about it? whoa, whoa. comfy? uh, well, it's, uh... it is a little damp. oh, why don't we try the stove? no! no! no! this is fine! i like it here. i really hate to do this. don't look. do what? it will be a surprise. hey. what's going on here? your chef likes to play the ponies but he don't like to pay the price. mr. angelino, don't listen to him... listen to him!

all right, here you go. now get out of here. it's a pleasure doing business with you. hey, have a nice day. mr. angelino, i really appreciate that. thanks a lot. crazy chefs. oh, one of our customers wants to meet you. i've got a lot to do. it's good public relations. i'm very busy. she's very attractive. send her in. mercy. hello. hello. are you david miller? the one and only. i've been looking forward to this moment. that's for my kid sister. what did she order? don't you play dumb with me. what are you talking...?

you mean, you don't even remember her name?! wait, wait, wait. ole! and don't ever get near my sister again. you can count on it. we're through. ( chuckles ) she didn't need no help. a party of eight just came in all ordering steaks. felipe, give me a hand in the freezer. si. si. mr. furley! you've got to get out of here. there's a gangster looking for you. she already found me. no, please, jack, i'm serious. your life's in danger.

he was a tough hombre. he was looking for me? no, but he was looking for david miller. that's close enough. let's get out of here. no job is worth this. you david miller? no, no. no, uh, uh... david miller went out for a bite. oh, well, i'll wait for him. i'm going to kill him. i'll kill him! there you are. no, i'm not. i'm jason deveroux. the food critic? i want to congratulate you on a wonderful salmon mousse. well, thank you. it's even better than your poulet poche. you think so? let's go! janet, i'm busy. i'm giving you a fantastic review. just spell my name right. how could i misspell miller? you are david miller! wait! wait! wait! just a minute. this man is a friend of mine and... and what?! and... i got a lot of friends. freeze, miller! stop it. stop it.

i can tell you that because i'm his roommate. hi, everybody. i'd like to give my compliments to the chef. who's she? his other roommate. you're living with two girls? cindy, tell these people who i am. sure. he's david miller. i can't believe this. i can't believe this. janet: wait, wait, officers. there's your husband, mrs. miller. he's not david miller. i wouldn't marry a jerk like that. how dare you impersonate such a wonderful person. well, looks like we made a mistake. sorry, pal. well, i think i'll go home and feed my wife's bird...

we haven't been served yet. how do you get a waiter around here? ( yells ) that's one way. ( knocking ) what's that? i don't know, but it sounds like it's coming from in there. the freezer! oh, no! mr. angelino. f-f-f... f-f-f-f... freezing? f-fired! b-b-bueno. now i get my c-c-c-chance. f-f-f... felipe?

to ask for a second chance? janet: really, mr. angelino it wasn't his fault. i've had it with crazy chefs. they're not worth it. i'm hiring me some kid out of a cooking school. you're going to what? here's one-- tripper. jack tripper. i'll hire him. the'e's company was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

hey! guess what. salem: the new yorker accepted my short story? mrs. quick read my essay "how math applies to real life." she wants me to read it in front of our math class. that's wonderful! isn't it, zelda? zelda? zelda! yelling ): attention, zelda. did you say something? oh, i'm sorry. i have to present a paper at a big scientific symposium in the other realm and i have so much more research to do... i just wanted to tell you about my... aunt zelda? aunt zelda!! i am really worried about her. she hasn't eaten or slept in days. she's even been too busy to disapprove of me. she must be dead.