hey! guess what. salem: the new yorker accepted my short story? mrs. quick read my essay "how math applies to real life." she wants me to read it in front of our math class. that's wonderful! isn't it, zelda? zelda? zelda! yelling ): attention, zelda. did you say something? oh, i'm sorry. i have to present a paper at a big scientific symposium in the other realm and i have so much more research to do... i just wanted to tell you about my... aunt zelda? aunt zelda!! i am really worried about her. she hasn't eaten or slept in days. she's even been too busy to disapprove of me. she must be dead.

she needs to relax. we could try aromatherapy or... a mallet? i know what to do. aloha! it's hopeless. let's have a luau. no, thanks. a mai-tai might make me groggy for homeroom. ( chuckling ): the... cat could party. ( slurping ): mmm... i'm betsy ross.

what did mrs. quick like about your essay? that my ideas were clear and concise. clear, concise-- got it. next time i write an essay i'll be fuzzy and wordy. that way i'll avoid the terror you're about to endure. it's just in front of a few other students.

i've arranged for you to read it in front of all of the math classes in school. ( gasping ) ( hyperventilating ) valerie seems to think there's something stressful about speaking in public. what do you think? oh, i don't know. i don't get stressed. i get hives. salem: feed me! is she still working? she's supposed to feed me every half hour. ( sobbing ): i'm so weak... i'm in the mood for crepes. i've come up with a plan to bring zelda back to reality. or... you could feed me. "divide that by equal parts of..." i must need new glasses. zelda? you have us all really worried. i'm trying to attain a deeper understanding of molecules. i want to ennoble humanity. i know, and that has to stop right now. maybe i have been working too hard. but i can't just stop cold turkey. turkey! please! don't worry.

he same time. come with me. now. we've always wanted to organize the family photos. you'll be able to keep busy without working yourself into a frenzy. oh... i've always loved this picture of uncle toots. i'll put it right here. good. oh, this is relaxing. maybe cousin emma's photo would be better on this page. zelda... let's see... uncle toots' black hair would look best yellow teeth. zelda! or should i arrange them by head size? aren't you going to congratulate me? i'm your new spring queen. we haven't voted for that yet. ( chuckling ): voting... you're so naive. come friday and the gap between us will be even greater due to my... royal station. i'd genuflect, but my tatertots are getting cold. ( huffing ) well, i'm going out for track again. but last year

i discovered i also enjoy food through a tube. hey, did you hear? sabrina's reading her essay to all the math classes. oh, man, that's brave! what's the big deal-- what could go wrong? you might start vomiting... or sweating... or sweating's emotional cousin: weeping. but none of these things are shameful... unless you have a problem with a nickname like "pit-stains." sabrina, here's some good news: it took some doing, but i convinced mr. kraft to let you read your essay at tomorrow's assembly! does this look infected? oh... i've got to find mr. kraft and tell him i can't do this. you have to do it-- it's all set. i tried to get steve allen, but he's already booked so now it's all up to you. it's just an assembly. no, it is the first assembly that principal larew has put me in charge of so it has to be a great speech. we are talking f.d.r.'s first inaugural address we are talking lincoln at gettysburg

has to be that good. well, "pit-stain spellman" does have a certain ring to it. salem: this is so good... what is it? a sour ball i found under the couch. hey, how was school? awful. i have a big problem. i got to talk to aunt zelda. wait. why do you always go to zelda with your problems? i mean, i'm your aunt, too. why don't you tell me what's going on? okay... well, i have to read an essay at an assembly ooh, this is a problem. have you considered running away from it? that was my first thought. aunt hilda, you really underestimate me. wait, wait. give me a second chance. i know-- a little fear can be a good thing. you have to learn to live with it and deal with it. that is good advice... but not what i wanted to hear. what am i going to do?! what am i going to do? should i talk to zelda? is that a jolly rancher under the table?

completely destroy the uncle emmet sequence. zelda? zelda? danger, will robinson. zelda? zelda, what happened? speak to me. ( bimbo voice ): oh, i love your lipstick. you are a classy broad. ( giggling ): you got culture. come on, dollface. let's do the charleston. something has happened to zelda. okay, dancing is not the answer. sabrina? when you going to come out from under your blanket? never! don't be afraid. life is short. oh, please. what fearless thing have you done lately? well, i-i-i slept in a pile of laundry i wasn't familiar with. look, haven't you figured this witch thing out yet? the magic book?

let's see... "fear, removal of: see page 113. before extracting fear, see warning." hello, sabrina. hey! franklin delano roosevelt! you're the guy who said "we have nothing to fear but fear itself." actually, what i wanted to say was "we have nothing to fear but poverty." but my advisors told me i should come up with something a little punchier. thanks. sabrina, i must tell you that if you use your magic to get rid of your fear it could cast a shadow on the rest of your life. have you ever read an essay in front of a high school assembly? well, no, but i did overcome polio to become the leader of the free world and i carried this country through the biggest economic crisis in its history. but you never had to read an essay in front of

uh... no. well, then, you can't really relate to what i'm saying can you, mr. president? uh... "to activate fear removal drink a glass of water while opened to this page." ( hiccuping ) ( growling ) close the book. close the book! gee, salem, don't be such a scaredy-cat. i can't wait for the assembly tomorrow. my essay is gonna rock. looks like your fear is gone. yeah, you're right! the fear must have been scared out of me! whoo-hoo! stop it! oh, you know i can't stand this ride! ( sobbing ): hold me. no doubt about it-- a clear case of witch snap. it happens to witches' minds when they've been overworked. ( soft, sexy voice ): okay, skipper. you and gilligan forge for berries while i prepare a coconut souffle. why is she acting like that?

now maybe you can think of a way to fix the hole in the boat. the only thing that will cure her is no stress. so make sure that she has nothing on her mind. if i recall that character correctly, she doesn't. what's up, val? ( screaming ): why are you looking at me like that? you don't want to be my friend anymore do you? valerie, are you all right? no. sabrina keeps staring at me and it's making me nervous. maybe you should see the nurse. my hives. i don't see any hives. oh! i can see the nurse has poisoned you with her lies, too. come on, valerie. wait a minute-- is magic behind this? come on, sabrina, don't jump to conclusions. attention everyone, this is vice-principal kraft. i have an important announcement. ( screaming ): i don't want to die! okay.

hilda... it'll pass. she's just going through the sugar snap phase of witch snap. i'm gonna give sa-wum a hug. ( voice breaking ): does kevorkian do animals? unbelievable. zelda balances this checkbook every month and i've never seen her in a homicidal rage. salem: if you feel like killing someone might i suggest zelda? oh, no. zelda, your symposium is tonight. if your paper isn't presented you'll be kicked out of the academy. i gonna kiss you! okay, that would be a "no." hey, sabrina. zelda wants you to try to balance that checkbook. i can't. i'm too upset. i tried to overcome my fear by casting a spell, and now there's this weird shadow following people around school. oh, no. if you use magic to release your fear the fear gets loose and preys on mortals. didn't millard fillmore warn you? actually, it was f.d.r., but i blew him off. f.d.r.? oh, they've upgraded the magic book.

right. you've got to go back and get everyone who's been affected by your fear shadow to come home with you. oh, no problem. right after i end hunger. and hurry-- the longer the shadow is loose the greater the fear will grow. okay! when i said crisis, i meant zelda. ( voice breaking ): she's putting booties on me. ( all screaming ) wait, valerie, stop! why are you so afraid? the earth, the stars, space... 're decomposing as we speak! mr. kraft, i need you to get everyone back to my house. that is just what my enemies want. enemies? i am surrounded by enemies plotting behind my back. people who want my assembly to fail. there's nothing behind your back except... ( screams ) mr. kraft when will you formally make me spring queen? i know you-- you're one of the four horsemen. the one with too much eye shadow. we should never have stopped school prayer. wait, why are you wearing so much makeup?

you know, i'm not going to be summer princess or autumn empress or winter goddess. what if i never win another seasonal beauty pageant again?! ( crying ) wait, you have some lipstick on your teeth! my hives have turned into gangrene. will you cut off my arm? i have a hacksaw back at my house. no! i can't risk being exposed to sunlight. if you won't help me then i'll just have to gnaw it off myself. harvey! don't touch me! you could break a bone. i would've touched you. i just don't want to get hurt. football, hockey, track, cards... they're all so dangerous. cards? you ever had a paper cut? who do you think i am, evel knievel? attention! i've just been informed that vermont has declared war on massachusetts. luckily, there's a bomb shelter at my house. if we hurry, we can get there in time

n't panic! ( all screaming ) okay, salem... since i have to present zelda's paper for her you have to help me. okay. "the uses of the hyraxine..." it's pronounced "hi-rax-zeen." zelda, you're back! it's pronounced "hi-rax-zeen." great. it's the biggest night of zelda's scientific career and she has the verbal skills of a potato. it's pronounced "po-tah-to." okay... i managed to get everyone from school to come home with me. great. now get the shadow through the linen closet and into the other realm. how do i get it into the house and keep everyone else out? you know how dogs can smell fear? well, fear can smell dogs. mr. kraft: let me in the bomb shelter! let me... a pack of wild dogs! ( screams )

( groans ) i thought they'd never leave. whew! well, i'm glad we took care of that. they can handle my fear in the other realm. you have to go there and confront your fear or it will always haunt you. isn't there a group package available? can you come? oh, yeah, like i don't have enough to do. ( blubbering ) stop that. take the quizmaster. he's knowledgeable, resourceful and he's strong. i need someone strong? if you want to live. now, go. i have a paper to give. oh, i hate being the responsible one. and once again, no one remembers to feed the cat. why's it so dark in here? your fear shadow has engulfed this whole area. everything you encounter here

it is the forest of your fears. it's called that? well, actually, it's called pine valley. anyway, i just flew in from out of town and, uh, boy is my broom tired. ( hilda laughing ) okay, so, on with the lecture. okay, it, um... it starts with kind of a... triangular symbol and then i... i guess the scientific term for what comes next this is hard. i... i just have to concentrate. hilda... hilda, what are you doing? what's going on? oh, dear. ? eency, weency spider ? ? went up the water spout... ? now, you see that door? you have to make it through that door without turning back.

f day. ( screams ) mrs. quick. she's not really mrs. quick. she's a symbolic manifestation of your fears. but mrs. quick doesn't scare me. oh, i'm so glad to hear that because i've talked to several universities and no one will accept you. i don't like this game anymore. i'm going home. oh, sabrina, you have to move forward. you don't know this but you're not going to do very well on your s.a.t.s. no college, no future, sabrina. i have your fast food uniform right here. no! no... no, i'll be okay. there's always trade school. wow. i guess i am afraid of not getting into college. maybe that's my biggest fear. ( yells ) ( screams ) no, it's people jumping out from behind trees. sabrina, you're a good friend with a soft heart. ooh, i'm shaking. you should be-- because a soft heart will only hold you back in... the real world.

you can't just be nice? nice guys finish last, sabrina. what about mister rogers? have you seen his ratings? and jimmy carter and audrey hepburn? i mean, occasionally, nice people do succeed. you know what? i've had enough. i'm going to go back to my room and cower. sabrina, come on, you're doing okay. you have to be brave. that way. hilda, why don't you sit here and occupy yourself while i talk to the nice nobel laureates. ( chuckling ) well, um, you came here to hear me read my paper so let's get right to it. ( gasps ) hilda, no! ( yells ) it-it's-it's a clown. i've always been a-afraid of clowns. oh, so the way you dress is how you confront your fears? are you afraid of being snatched bald-headed? because that's what's going to happen. i'm not afraid of clowns. why are you scaring the quizmaster

my scariness on you, freak. although as long as i'm here, i may as well remind you that everybody has commented on how you're... different. hey, i don't care if sabrina's... different. ( mr. kraft chuckling ) but she's not just different. i happen to know that she's a witch! all: you're a witch! you're a witch! no! ( screaming ) you're a witch! you're a witch! wait a minute! you're right i am a witch and i'm proud of being a witch because it means i can do this. ah, way to go, sabrina. now, all you have to do is walk through that door and face your ultimate and final fear. great. and if you find my nervous system anywhere around, i'd like it back. and now, to read from her essay, "how math applies to real life"

( clears throat ) "in the beginning, there was the word. "but in order to mark when the beginning was "we needed numbers "making math as big a part of life as language although not quite as big as tv." ( laughter ) "at first, math seemed so complicated i was afraid of it "but once i took the time to study, it wasn't scary "to me anymore, which proves that knowledge and experience are the best weapons against fear." thank you. whoo! whoo! quizmaster: great speech, sabrina. now you can finally face... your fear. wow, my fear looks just like steve allen. ( chuckling ) i know what fear is, believe me. i did live tv. it's a pleasure to meet you. wait a minute-- meet. that rhymes with sweet. you gave me an idea for a song. ? when you beat your feet ? ? down the street ? ? all the little birdies go tweet, tweet, tweet... ? he's gone! all right!

that fear will always be a part of you. just be willing to deal with it. will steve allen be on all my clothes now? no, come on, sabrina. don't take everything so seriously. lighten up. all right, whatever you say. oh... clowns. yeah, well, you know i can handle that.

mr. kraft said it was up there with something steve allen would do.

elda, you seem down in the dumps. oh, it's nothing. just my scientific career is now in shambles. hey, there's a message from the other realm in the toaster. get it out so i can make an english muffin. i don't believe it. because of the symposium fiasco i've been given a grant to study abnormal phenomena in already abnormal witches. tank-a you, boys. the songs of bavaria-- we'll-a never forget them. wonderful! she's in the lawrence welk snap stage. and now, a little polka. and a one-a and a two-a and a three-a. ( playing polka ) i didn't know it until now but aunt hilda playing the accordion is my biggest fear.

you think maybe she's dead? this is totally impossible. you've got to be patient. turning yourself into fire water and wind is one of the hardest things to learn. salem: for me it was learning when to say no to pie. stop thinking about how bad it feels to get it wrong and think about how good it's going to feel when you get it right. okay, i'll try again but this time if my legs go numb nt help getting off the bed not just pointing and jeering. concentrate. you are no longer a physical being. you are a fluid entity. you are water. hey, i did it! yes, you did! and it only took you four weeks. am i the only one thinking