jimmy stewart's a good friend of mine. he's a dear friend. but, i don't think i can see james stewart in "it's a wonderful life," i mean it, one more time. even the angel clarence is sick of it. [ laughter ] last night he came down from heaven and pushed stewart off the bridge. [ laughter ] i'm-i'm-i'm sorry, jim. i had to do that. cable tv is now doing christmas specials. have you seen pat buchanan on "crossfire?" wonderfuri he grills santa with questions like, "all right, "what's with the red suit, "you big fat commie?" [ laughter ] pat buchanan on cable. shoulda done that joke on cable. dolls are big this year. >> oh! >> what happened to the cabbage patch doll? is that old hat? >> that's out. >> what's the big, hot-- >> teddy ruxpin. >> kenny ruspick, the talking teddy bear?

>> pee wee herman-- there's a pee wee herman doll? [ laughter ] have you seen, seriously, the new jim and tammy dolls? [ laughter ] you wind 'em up... [ laughter ] tammy goes shopping, and jim makes a move on barbie. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] and the jerry falwell doll takes over the box. anyway, you're in a good mood. we got great show for you tonight. we have a doozy tonight. a doozy? mr. david steinberg, one of the cleverest man in the business. [ applause ] the comedienne making her first appearance on "the tonight show," her name is jann karam. jan is with us. and an interesting story,

six or eight months was not an actor at all. but he was on a plane trip coming out, some guy talked to him, ended up doing a show called "frank's place." don yesso is with us tonight. stay where you all. we'll be right back. [ music ] thank you.

[ music ] >> good, thanks. happy day after. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. happy day after thanksgiving. >> yes, sir. >> you have a nice one? >> nice one, very nice. >> today, i guess, is for retailers, or shop owners, is supposed to be the busiest day of the year for shopping. i guess they kind of calibrate how the season is gonna go by what happens today. according to the news,

so ago, there was gonna be a disaster. apparently people around there, spending their money like crazy. how many of you are going shopping just like you did last year? to hell with it. [ applause ] you know, you might as well. the big one may come tomorrow. you might as well go out and do it. anyway, i guess the shopping malls were full today, and this is what is called "the daily news." came out thursday, november the 26. this was a gift guide. this is the paper, and look at the flyers. >> gee. >> i can't find the news anymore when you get the paper. by the time you get through what they call these-- what do they call these? blow-ins or something? or insert sheets, these are all from different advertisers. this is just from one local paper for gift-giving. uh, this year, according to figures, american families will spend an average of-- what would you guess, on a christmas gift? now, don't-- the average american family? what do you think they would spend on a christmas gift? >> a couple hundred dollars.

see, you did it again. you know it-- you know it's more than that, usually, so you did the old thing about underplaying it, didn't you? >> i always do it. >> i know it. >> and i'll keep doing it. >> they say about $380. >> i was thinking about that. [ laughter ] >> why didn't you say that? >> i didn't want to hit it right on the nose. they'd think we planned it. >> and the average american-- the average american relative is gonna spend $10 on gas returning most of those gifts. [ laughter ] now, a lot of stores, already, because they were a little leary of what was gonna happen, have already started discounting you know, they're cutting 'em back, and the people are showing up. so what we did, we found-- here it is, right here. the southern california shopping guide. now only in southern california would they have really unique, and i can't say really unique, can i? i have to say "unique." is that correct english? because unique needs no qualifier? >> that's right. >> it's either unique or it's not unique. >> that's about right. [ laughter ] >> i think right-- yeah.

in southern cal-- if you're gonna stick around for a few days, here's some rather strange shops. for example, let's just take a look in this thing that graphics made up for us. we're not trying-- >> just pick any page. >> we're not trying-- we do this to make it-- see this, we-- a little production value for the comedy here. >> right. >> we actually go over and say, "guys, make us a thing that "says 'southern california "shopping guide.'" coulda read 'em off the paper, but this gives it a little production. let's see what is happening. now here's a shop for people, only in southern cali, it's a past lives plumber. it's called "here we go again." oh, boy. ooh, boy. ooh, boy, oh, boy. >> graphics did this for us, huh? >> yes. here's a store that specializes in gifts for the only child called "toys r i." [ laughter ] see, i should have

in west covina, there's the dehydrated pet store. now, listen. they sell pit bouillon cubes. [ laughter ] if somebody tries to break into your house, you pop one into a cup of boiling water. [ laughter ] there's a shopping center right here in the valley that rents space to plastic surgeons. you walk into one end, and when you leave the other end, you look completely different. marginal, marginal. i'm trying to get the biggies here. here's an unusual one. maybe not amusing, but unusual called the pickpocket's plaza. there are no stores, just hundreds of mannequins with merchandise in their clothing, and it's for pickpockets, you see, who go through-- >> you're picking out the big ones?

>> do we have those, uh, foreign commercials also tonight? we also had some foreign commercials we were gonna use in case this didn't go. we do have those? get ready for them. all you robbers might be interested to know, today is the one day of the year that 7-11 operators can open the safe. [ laughter ] there's a store with a very limited appeal, and i also humorous appeal. it sells puppet neckwear. it's called... [ laughter ] casa de doody. [ laughter ] it's a male clothing store for underworld figures, crooks brothers. they make coats that automatically pull over your head when you walk out of a courtroom. we're talking about dolls-- here's a talking doll store

it has a doll that hasn't yet learned to walk or talk. it's called "little miss underachiever." [ laughter ] if that one doesn't do it, the rest are in real trouble. [ laughter ] see if there's anything here-- hmm... toys r us is unloading its remaining stock of the special sylvester stallone edition of scrabble, which has only two letters-- y and o. [ laughter ] yo. >> yo. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i know you're trying to make me feel good, but that's just to set up the foreign commercials. we do have those, don't we? >> yes, sir, we have. >> are you saying you don't want me to run them? are they any good, pete? i'm asking peter and sally. are they good? >> yeah. they're even funny.

are they? >> amusing. >> relatively, are they funnier than this piece of material? what? >> no. >> oh, come on. they're not more amusing than this? well, all we have-- well, let's show these. they're interesting. from time to time, we bring you some of the funniest and most interesting commercials... >> no, problem, sir. they're ready. >> thank you. >> thank god! [ laughter ] >> fred was talking to our booth, saying, s we have five of the winners of the international advertising film festival. now, these commercials are from england, new zealand, and norway, and they were, um, provided by screen vision cinema network, america's only cinema advertising network. i have not seen these myself, but mr. lassally and mr. de cordova have assured me that these are very amusing-- and their jobs hang in the balance.

look at the monitor, and we'll see if they're-- if they're semi-amusing. [ laughter ] [ music ] >> it's got to be kaiser. kaiser, a great beer. [ applause ] >> now, we're talking. >> in fact, you could be looking at the next divisional branch manager. >> oh, that's nice, dear. >> oh, stevens reckons i've got a very bright future with the company. >> do you worry about minor mishaps around the home? with loc from amway, you can remove virtually any stain. [ indistinct chatter ] >> ... a bit of promotion

as well. >> that's nice, dear. >> loc leaves you spotless. to get your bottle, call this number. someone will be happy to speak with you. [ glass breaking ] [ speaking foreign language ] [ dog whining ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> now we're talking. [ applause ] those are funny. okay, in a moment, david steinberg, jann karam, and don yesso will join us. stay where you are.

i can't believe it! a middle-aged man like that running around town, chasing girls trying to make out... what's wrong with that? what are we supposed to do? sit in a rocking chair and take up knitting? no, no, mr. furley...

mr. furley, what about janet? do you think i could get lucky with her? yeah, maybe a little candlelight, wine, soft music... we're talking about our janet and that old man! you ought to do something about him. like what? tell that over-the-hill don juan to buzz off. be a man! no, i can't. oh, that's right. i keep forgetting. you can still tell him to buzz off. i can't. janet would kill me, mr. furley. ee my father leave with janet? yes! he should be ashamed of himself. he's old enough to be your father. my father and janet? on a date? that's wonderful. i knew you'd feel the same way as i... what?! well, it's the first time dad's been out in years. that's why we can't leave them alone.

for a long time you can get awfully thirsty. oh, jack, i had no idea janet was that desperate. are you kidding? not janet, your father! oh. the poor man's been so lonely he's probably forgotten what to do with a woman. not anymore-- i just reminded him. we're talking about two consenting adults. no. i never consented to anything. not you. now, stop thinking about them d start thinking about us. i'd better go after janet. no, you won't. we're not leaving here. wait a minute. look at this! she forgot to take her, uh... her allergy pills. jack, is this a trick? does this look like a trick? "99% organic seaweed"? right. what is she allergic to? the ocean? that's why i got to get these to her before high tide. come on. jack, what about our date?

( soft music playing ) my, it's dark in here. yeah, you're right. i can't even see my hand in front of my face. that's not where your hand is. oh. sorry. yes? oh, uh, hi. can i help you? yeah. i'm looking for a couple-- an older man with a young woman. that's all we got here. take your pick. jack? is that you? oh, janet, hi. hi. what are you doing here? we're not staying. what a disappointment. since you're disappointed, we'll stay. jack... jack! sheryl, you sit next to your father and i'll sit next to my good friend janet. isn't this cozy? aren't you forgetting why we're here? just why are you here? oh, jack was concerned 'cause janet went out on a date

( clears throat ) my what? your, your seaweed... your sea-seaweed, seaweed pill. she's always forgetting. we have to remind her, but still she gets by with a little "kelp" from her friends. it's, uh, kelp-- seaweed, seaweed, song, sailors... speaking of weeds, jack couldn't you disappear and spring up someplace else? ( exaggerated laugh ) perhaps we should go somewhere else and get a bite to eat. not you, jack-- just janet and me. that's fair. why don't we have just one last little farewell drink? it'd be real quick, real fast. waiter? what kind of wines do you have? well, we got... we'll each have a glass of white wine. four white wines. waiter? with a little club soda. four white wine spritzers. yeah. waiter, excuse me. i just want one more thing-- a splash of grenadine in each one. grenadine? yeah.

i call it the "tripper spritzer." i'd hate to tell you what i call it. i'm with you, buddy. would you excuse us for just a moment? jack, may i speak to you? yeah, yeah. what are you trying to pull? i'm trying to warn you about sheryl's father. don't you dare say another word. andrew is one of the most considerate men i've ever been out with. i'm shocked at how easily you're fooled. the man is only after one thing. aah! look at the pot calling the kettle black. it's not your kettle he's after. and just how do you know? listen, any guy who would ask you about your job compliment your hair and take off his tie on the first date is only after one thing. what?! that's right. i'll make an excuse and meet you at the door. jack! janet, i can't breathe. that is the idea. what happens when i go out on a date is up to me, not you, right? mm-hmm. you'll never interfere again? no, i'm not.

n breathe now. i paid the check. let's get out of here. good idea. you are not thinking of following us? no, no, no, no. good. you just saved your life. ( sighs ) well, i guess janet can take care of herself. i-i-i was worried about her. i know. but now it's... it's just you and me. yeah. and you know what we're going to do? what? nothing. good-bye. uh... none for me. thanks. well, here we are. yes, we certainly are. aren't you coming in? well, if you really want me to.

ng a lovely evening. you are? yes. then why don't we, uh... we, um... why don't we what? we... say good night? andrew, no. come on. come and sit down for a while. you needn't go. it's very early. sit. well... thank you. now, tell me what's wrong. well, i... i know. you're nervous, aren't you? is it that obvious? why shouldn't you be? d a date in a very long time. so just relax and do whatever comes naturally and everything will be just fine. you really mean that? yes. of course i do. well, i'm so glad you feel that way. makes it a lot easier. andrew! hey, stop it! your lips may say "stop" but your eyes say "don't." no, they don't! yes, they do. no, they don... andrew! ( groaning ) oh, you're not finished

no, don't go! don't... go. that's right, cindy. ( sighs ) i'm the one who's going. do you realize i'm a middle-aged man vice-president of a bank with a grown daughter and here i am, acting like a complete nerf? that's "nerd." thank you. wait... why did you do that? i mean, why did you suddenly...? because these days i thought that's what i was supposed to do on a date. i'm sorry i ruined your evening. no, you didn't ruin my... look, you can't go yet. there's still some champagne left. we can't let it go to waste. come on, everybody sit down and let's have a drink. you sure you want me to? yes, i am absolutely sure. oh, thank you. whoo, i hope you don't mind. it looks a bit flat. here-- it's for andrew. great. be careful, cindy. oh, my god! aah! oh, i'm sorry. how can i make it up to you? take your pants off.

we have to get the stain out before it sets. oh. oh. andrew, you can change in my bedroom. it's right in here. all right. there you go. i'm sorry. oh! it got all over the couch, too. go in the kitchen and get the dishpan and put some cold water in it and see if we have a clean sponge. janet? here they are. oh, thank you. this isn't the way i had it planned. i know. you can wear jack's robe. there's a clean one in that laundry basket on my bed. oh, thank you. uh-huh. janet? come on, janet, open up. i want to apo... well, hello again. you didn't!

oh, my god, and you couldn't even wait

if only i hadn't told you how easy it was to score with women today. how gullible they are how easily they're fooled by the simplest come-ons. poor little hopeless empty-headed janet. ja-ja-jan...! don't stop, jack. i'm learning a lot from what you're saying. no, see, i was just talk... i was, i was, i was, i was, i was just... cindy is getting the champagne stain out. thank you. champagne? oh, well, that's why you were... i knew, i thought, i figured that, uh... now, let me see if i got this straight. ow! women are very gullible... well, no, see... we can be fooled by the easiest of come-ons... you take it out of context.

buster, let me tell you something! i got to go help cindy. she's in the kitchen with the, uh... whoop! ( mocking laugh ) ah, well, a little sudsy water there. she missed me. oh, too bad. [captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation]

what is this obsession you young people have with joy? i blame the media. final examinations are just around the corner, young man and you cannot afford to waste one minute on this hedonistic frolicking. ( sniffs ) oh, brother. maybe i should study. i didn't understand a word he said. with the janitor's hip replacement? aren't you trespassing on government property? no. i'm here to inform you that you can expect a big witch exam soon. does it involve changing the earth's orbit? the last time i tried that, "el nino" happened. i can't tell you when, but i can tell you where. why can't they just accept the misery that should be their lives? class trip to florida! we're going to disney world.