you started your report yet? almost. everyone knows a good paper's 30% writing 70% color-coordinating your highlighters. if and when you do start it you'll have a nice, quiet place to work in. zelda and i are taking a trip. is that a euphemism for plastic surgery? we haven't decided where we're vacationing yet although hilda is pushing for atlantis. the kelp is in full bloom. will you be all right alone while we're away? i've never had the house to myself before. i've got to call val. right after i finish my paper. such a good girl. and so trustworthy. what a coincidence.

need a hand? no, thanks. do you mind? check this out: "time-space continuum excursions." three days, two nights and you come back younger. oh, let's try something really different. "the third ring of saturn. ck." let's go see the world's largest ball of twine. twine? one question: why? please let the answer be that you have a fever. t-t-t-twine? is that the brochure? and, if so, can i keep it in my basket? come on, hilda. we always go to the other realm, but we never get to see any real americana. at least tell me it's somewhere exotic. it's in kansas. oh, the paris of the midwest.

a substantial ball of twine? why? just asking. oh, great. it's the green hornet. so, how's the report coming? i believe it will garner a fine grade. still haven't started yet. nope. tough, now you have to sign up for community service in the other realm. but i didn't do anything wrong! community service isn't just something professional athletes do to avoid jail. giving to the community makes you feel good about yourself. but i already feel fabulous about myself. i love me. you have to do charity work and give it your all. you can't phone it in. okay, get off my back. i'll help others. let's go. sorry. you have to do it on your own. fine. what's this? my homework. give it your all and don't just phone it in. oh, man. walden. nothing happens in this book. maybe something will jump out at me. "washing old witches"?

hi. hi. "easy way out." this shouldn't be too hard. that's what i'm hoping. plus, it's being run by my uncle. hello, young lady. dashiell. i always get misty whenever i see that there are young people today who still believe in the old-fashioned values of community service. bobby calzone. sabrina spellman. hi. i see you've met my nephew dashiell. a good, fine young witch for a half-mortal. you right-handed? yeah! wow, it's like looking in a mirror. you know, here at easy way out we're always on the lookout for a few special witches like yourself. this is real community service, right? 'cause i promised my quizmaster... you'll be working at the rumor mill. how's that for real? is that good? in this realm rumors are considered to be the highest form of entertainment. think riverdance with a conscience. but i always thought rumors were bad.

trust me, kiddo. the rumor mill is the u.s.o. of witchly community service. a morale builder. as a matter of fact rumors have been proven to make witches healthier. wow, i feel more noble already. come on, witches need our help. let's start our first smear campaign. okay, i'm ready to hit the open road. "i'm with stupid"? don't personalize it. i'm just trying to blend in with middle america. fine. put your stuff in the pickup i rented. what? are they out of dump trucks? it'll be fun. for an all-american journey, an all-american vehicle. all right, let's go. i call shotgun. salem, you're not going. are you telling me that this family is going to see the world's largest ball of twine and the cat isn't coming? sorry. with all due respect, ladies would i leave you behind if i were going to see the world's largest eligible bachelor? yes, if our entire goal was to unravel him.

ing in the mail. ( sobbing ) you know, in cold blood took place in kansas. ( sobbing ) welcome to the rumor mill. we spread more rumors by 9:00 a.m. than most hairdressers do all day. is it always this busy? i'm going to guess you guys don't get government funds. hey, hey, hey. this room brings more joy to downtrodden witches than a thousand soup kitchens. really? it seems run-down. well, if i'm lying, i'm dying. here's how it works. first, you think up a juicy rumor. for instance, oh, i don't know... say, sabrina's quizmaster wears a skirt. then you chuck your rumor into this black hole over here. word gets out and, hey! presto. the masses are entertained. in some cases, even healed. and my quizmaster won't mind wearing a skirt? rumors aren't true. they're just entertainment.

on the south side of the realm and it don't run without me. so, are we set here? sure. beautiful. go get 'em. where do we begin? i don't know many witches. i live in the mortal realm. really? me, too. revere, massachusetts. westbridge. you guys had that huge linebacker who pulverized our quarterback. then the game started, and things really got bad. maybe we should start rumors about people we know. would other-realmers care about them? my uncle said all rumors are entertaining. "mike stratton, revere linebacker is also the captain of the synchronized swim team." i like charity. ( chuckles ) okay. here goes. libby chessler is so mean her parents made her move out. let me guess. cheerleader.

is we're helping witches. without having to clip their toenails. ? ooh, i bet you're wondering how i knew ? ? about your plans to make me blue ? ? with some other guy you knew before ? ? between the two of us guys, you know i love you more ? ? it took me by surprise i must say ? ? i must say ? ? when i found out yesterday ? ? don't you know that i heard it through the grapevine ? ? not much longer would you be mine ? ? oh, i heard it through the grapevine ? ? oh, i'm just about to lose my mind ? ? honey, honey, yeah ? ? i heard it through the grapevine ? we pulled the best community service. yeah, but i think washing old witches would be fun, too...

s are alive with the sound of gossip. and we used up all the paper, uncle c. nice work. we haven't had so many rumors started since walter winchell worked here. now you two better skedaddle on home. so soon? i guess it's back to the mortal realm. want to get there through my laundry chute? sure. hey, you know, i was thinking maybe i'd volunteer here again like, tomorrow at 3:00. how about 3:15? you didn't let me finish. like... 3:15. i just hope our rumors made an impact. trust me. just because my parents have threatened to evict me doesn't mean they've stopped caring. that's weird. that sounds just like that rumor i started about libby. oh, pumpkin, we mustn't. it's wrong. not wrong. inappropriate, perhaps but i say the heck with it. i love your fire.

sabrina, do you have any veal and jelly in your locker? i have this tremendous craving. harvey, please tell me you're having a bad love-handle day. it's weird. none of my clothes fit. my breasts are tender. i'm going to be sick. okay, and that's the rumor i started about harvey being pregnant. that settles it.

is anybody home? salem, what's going on? oh, shoot. ah, sabrina. i want you to meet the heads of the four families of westbridge. don calamari... how you doing? salem: don ameche, don tutti frutti and, of course, ? don da-don-don ?

salem, you're not in the mafia. it was just a rumor. ( all laughing ) gentlemen, you will have to forgive my little friend. sometimes she talks when she should be reading her magic book. then she would know rumors started in the other realm become truths in the mortal realm. oh, well, in that case, don salem, on this day, the day of your daughter's wedding, how do i make it stop? you don't. some of us like being mafia bosses. me? i like it. ol suit. you want i should whack her? no. nothing happens to sabrina while her mother's still alive. gee, thanks. i'll go ask my aunts for help. you didn't start a rumor about them? no, i... oh, no! when you said you wanted to navigate i assumed it was because you could read a map. and i can. we are right in front of that... terrifying thing! but where have they been abducted to?

for that kind of stuff. scusi, don tutti frutti not that kind of abduction. but grazie. prego. zelda, can you use your finger? no. can you? no. well, i hope you're happy. oh, sure, it may not be a huge ball of twine, but aliens are pretty nifty. well, if you could navigate, we wouldn't be here. this is my fourth abduction this month. my wife's gonna kill me if i'm late with the ice cream again. zelda: perhaps this gentleman can teach you how to tell when the map is upside down. ( electronic buzz ) say it, don't spray it. that means he's ready to remove all your organs. but watch it. he's got cold hands... or actually, tentacles. isn't that quaint? back off, shorty! you don't understand. you're next, and if he don't operate on you, then... i'll tell you whose fault this is. it is not. no, hilda. there's a third witch we haven't factored in.

thanks a lot. i rarely use my liver. harvey, how'd you get so pregnant so fast? how should i know! get off my back! sorry, sabrina. i'm just kind of emotional these days. it's okay. i'll figure something out. somebody better figure something out because these are not birthing hips. libby, what's wrong? my parents have kicked me out. oh, i had no idea. with it. my mom says they don't love me anymore. my dad says they never did. what am i going to do? i'm so sorry. i'm never going to do that to my baby. i've got to find calzone. that's sounds really good with chocolate sauce on it. oh, willard, willard, willard.

oh, get a room! calzone, you better show your face. he's not here. we've got to find him. all my rumors came true. i know. so did mine. there's a very nice boy in westbridge who's staring down the barrel of a c-section. you think i like this? my sister's a unicorn. it's all your sleazy uncle's fault. hold on now. we need some advice. can your quizmaster be trusted? we better hope so. quizmaster, quizmaster, helping others is great. now get your butt in here before it's too late. there's a rumor going around that you have something to do with this hemline. i cannot abide a cat who would let his owners give him a name that robs him of respect. what would you have us do, don salem? whack fluffy. i'll send two of my best guys. no, wait.

on second thought, bring me the mouse head. i'm beginning to feel sorry for libby. that's how bad things have gotten. i told you not to take the easy way out. no, you said not to phone it in. the guy said that rumors help in the other realm. you believed him? you know rumors are bad things. a lot of things i used to know turned out to be not true. i used to be sure people couldn't fly! oh, shoot. that reminds me. i gave my cousin lillian bat wings. hilda, i noticed something while they were examining him. yeah, he should get that mole checked. no. they undid his restraints in order to conduct the experiment. i bet we can trick them into freeing our arms. we can hit them. yes, and provided you don't navigate we can steer this baby home. please, before they touch me again. oh, you love it. who is your quizmaster?

i know him. do me a favor and go see if he's at his stromboli stand. oh, sure. are you going to be okay, sabrina? she's going to be fine. that kid is trouble. what do you mean? calzone has a score to settle with me. i got him kicked out of quizmasters for cheating. why come after me? with all respect, you were the snitch. nothing's more embarrassing for a quizmaster than to have a pupil fail to get their license. although getting caught in that skirt came close. i'm not going to get my license? after the havoc you wreaked? isn't there anything i can do? well, all the damage you've done will slowly go away after you start a vicious rumor about yourself. and make it a good one. i can't even get my grandma to return my phone calls. sabrina. hi, libby. i just heard a rumor about you.

i knew it! you've got no teeth. sabrina's got no teeth. ( all laughing ) i just heard that sabrina has no teeth. eww! eww! whoa! hey, harvey, yeah. must have been eating way too much salt. sabrina... yes? i just wanted you to know if you ever need your food pre-chewed i would do that for you. ( lisping ): how sweet. you always make me smile. no, don't. sabrina, there's a phone call for you. and could you make it quick? i need to call the smart women, foolish choices hot line. i'd love to move back in, mom. but before we go into that

( lisping ): hello. yes, it's me. of course i'm willing to testify against calzone. i said i'll testify. i said... i'll be right there. marone, that's good sauce. i add a little garlic, oregano, and then i put some sugar in there. that's my secret. that's my trick. it's the feds! they're coming to get us. i plead the fifth. oh, nice landing, zelda. dn't want to have children anyway. i haven't driven a clutch in a while. i'd better go. now i may be a farmer, but these fellas in your sitting room sure do look like mob bosses. that sabrina got no teeth. let's get out of here. hey, come back. we were all going to go to vegas and get comped at boylesque. i'm sure there's an explanation for turning our house into a social club. but first, where is sabrina?

guess i wasn't meant to be a mob boss. ( belches ) oh, i think i'm garlic intolerant. yes, we understand that you think your quizmaster rocks. but unless you can produce this calzone we must hold your quizmaster responsible for all the trouble you caused. are you aware that you have no teeth? i did it to right a wrong. can anything be done about it? only because we're all about to lose our lunch. well, like i said, i don't know calzone's present location, it will please the court to call other witnesses who may have more information about the weasel's whereabouts. now, just a moment. is this calzone a weasel? because we've been looking for a man. oh, the court calls dashiell calzone. are you the fugitive's nephew? yes, i am. and do you know his whereabouts? i do not. he's lying. i'll be demoted to crossing guard.

we're going to arrest you. you can't let your pupils run amok like this. bailiff, take the quizmaster into custody. no. you can't do this. i've got tenure! don't worry. i'll get you out. sabrina, wait. my quizmaster was right about you. i hate to do this. oh, good. this place has such great karma for me. i need you to know i had nothing to do with the trouble you're in. but i do know where my uncle is. why didn't you say anything? il. where i come from, that's a bad thing. calzone's a wheeler and dealer. jail would be fun to him. i want him to suffer. well, how do you plan on doing that? well, i happen to know my conniving uncle is hanging out in the mortal realm. "calzone comes clean in quizmaster frame-up "and vows to spend the rest of his life

"bare-handed." you're good. friends? are you kidding? you just saved me and my quizmaster. so how far is it from westbridge to revere? oh, about five minutes by spaceship. oh, hi, guys. this is dashiell. sabrina had nothing to do with this. it's all my fault. he's cute. unfortunately i heard a rumor you're grounded. you have to stop reading those tabloids. okay, i'm grounded. it's not so bad.

you'll need a loofah. sabrina: check. grab that bunion stone. what?! and plenty of band-aids. oh, and a squeegee. squeegee? hundreds of old witches... anything that saves time is a welcome tool. i know you're trying to gross me out, but it's not working. we tried. oh, one last thing. the tongue scraper. it scrapes tongues. no problem. it didn't work. is she gone yet? yeah. tongue scraper! tongue scraper!

okay, fine. see ya. no! what's the matter, salem? ringworm got you down? my mother's coming for a visit. i called to wish her a happy mother's day and... why didn't i just send the dry-roasted almonds like i usually do? ( sobbing ) you should be happy your mother's coming. i haven't seen my mother in a year because i'm a witch and she's a mortal and if she looks at me, she'll turn into a ball of wax which is the stupidest... hey! we were talking about me. she knows you're now a cat right? ( sobbing ) how could you keep that a secret? it slipped my mind? you don't understand. my mother's very critical. i once wore sandals to the dinner table