? boy, the way glenn miller played ? ? songs that made the hit parade ? ? guys like us we had it made ? ? those were the days ? ? and you knew where you were then ? ? girls were girls and men were men ? ? mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again ? ? didn't need no welfare state ? ? everybody pulled his weight ? ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?

grab one of them cases there. help me carry it into the back room. arch, you know,

e say? well, we were taking a bath together... - hold it, hold it! - and he turned to me-- hold it, hold it, hold it. you and joey's takin' a bath together? yeah. i hope you was wearin' your bathing suits. who takes a bath wearing a bathing suit? put the box down. - what? - put the box down. sit down there. let me tell you somethin'. a grown man ain't supposed to take a bath in the nude with a little boy. why not? oh, jeez... because when the little kid gives you the once-over there,

i don't think so. well, maybe not in your case. in japan--in japan whole families take baths together. who the hell cares. the japs eat fish eyes, too. what's the matter with you? what's the matter with you? didn't you and ma ever take a bath together? hey! hey! hey! put the box down. sit down there. don't never ask me no question like that there. in the first place, it's dirty... dirty. and in the second place... can you picture edith and me floppin' around in the one tub? don't look at us! don't look at us there! it's awful. forget about it.

till the end of time i'll be tryin' to straighten you out. and when they finally plant me in the end, they'll be lowerin' my box into the ground there, and my words'll come out of it: "don't be dirty. don't be dirty." you won't even be listening then. you won't even be at the gravesite. you'll be over in hong kong with your family, taking a bath. where do you want this? you don't--you don't know what you done there. no, what's the matter? put the box down. would you mind openin' that door a crack for me there?

there's no door knob. fancy that. uh, how're you supposed to open the door? with the key. where's the key? if you could open that door a crack there, you'd see the key sticking out of the lock on the other side of that door! you mean we're locked in here? i think you have grasped the situation here. all right, all right. we just, uh, we just break the door down, that's all. ha ha ha... you hurl your shoulder into that door, you're gonna have two armpits on the same side. oh! gee, i'm sorry i did that!

well, i am not the one who left the key on the other side of the door! oh, i am not the one who slammed and locked the door with the key on the other side. i am not the one who didn't say, "don't close the door. the key is on the other side." i am not the one who sponged off me for five years and didn't learn nothin' but the name of "meathead." i am not the one who sits and watches korean midgets wrestling on channel 5, and thinks it's educational tv! i am not the one who sits in front of a television set for a whole hour, staring at the same orchestra. i like symphonies! if you like symphonies, you're gonna love this... [blows raspberry] you dumbbell. all right. let's just relax,

i'm just tryin' to figure out what to do. there ain't nothin' to do. we're stuck here till harry comes in and opens up the joint tomorrow. [sighs] wish there was a window in here. [snaps fingers] you get your wish. there is. where? it's up on the far wall there. then that's it! that's it! - you can't get outta there-- - we can get outta here! - you can't get outta there. - why not? in the first place, there ain't no catch on that window so, we'll force it open. in the second place, that window is painted shut until the second comin'. then we'll break the glass. third place... [shattering] there's bars on the window.

i don't believe it. we're trapped in here. we're trapped in here!!! aaah! stop your yellin' there. you're only trapped in here with me. look at who the hell i'm trapped in here with. hey, anybody out there?! we're locked in archie's place in the storeroom! the door is wide open, so come on in! and be sure to take all of archie's money, on top of the cash register! and be sure and take all of archie's mon-- ah! what? how stupid can you get, yellin' out there into an alleyway. don't you know the kind of people that pass through alleyways there this time of night-- nothing but the crinimal element. but, arch, shouldn't we at least take a chance that a decent human being will pass by?

john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick.

call now. and with home wifi, the whole family can be online at once. g reat for kids to stream scary shows while not cleaning their room. you'll also get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee, and there's no contract to sign. get 50 meg internet with no data cap starting at $39.99 a month. plus, free installation and access to over 500,000 twc wifi? hotspots nationwide. would rex pass up more beef stew? ink so.

you know what i was thinking there... is that if we was lost in the snows up there in the swiss alps, they'd have to send out one of them roman catholic dogs to save us. roman catholic dogs? yeah, the st. bernards. you never heard of them dogs? they run around in the mountains there, with little barrels of booze tied around their necks. we have booze right here. oh, yeah. well, yeah, but i gotta pay for that booze.

[laughing] [coughing] that's good. hey... hey, look at this here. see this here? that's an old hunk of kelsey's awning there. see, all the guys, they thought i should've kept this up. but i didn't. you know, i never missed it. never missed it either. well, you know, there's a lot of good luck in bird doo-doos. you never heard that? no, i can't say that i have. you ain't got none of that old-time knowledge, you know? i'll put this around me here...

thanks a lot. oh, jeez... move over, mike. pain in the neck. get in. why is it so hard for you to be nice to me? what the hell are you talking about? i've always been nice to you. get outta here! you've always been rotten to me. ever since the time gloria brought me home to meet you. do you remember the first thing you said to me? hello? no, after that. the second thing you said was: "are you jewish?" oh. hey, listen. i-if i would've been a jewish father, that've been the first thing i said to ya. i wish you could've seen the look on your face when i told you i was polish.

well, you know, from where i sit now... maybe it would've been better if you'd have been a jew. why? because a jew would've been smart enough so we wouldn't of got locked in the storeroom. that is so awful. do you realize how awful it is when you say things like that? what the hell is awful? it's not coming out-- it's not comin' out of anything positive. it's coming out of your prejudice. don't you see that? why is it so important for you for everybody to be the same? isn't it better? doesn't it make life more interesting because we're different? i mean that we're all different shapes, different sizes, and different colors? don't go on and on. i know all about differences.

i'll tell you somethin'... the lord wanted the sames to stay over with the sames and the differents to be over there with the differents. hey...did you ever read that story of noah's ark in the bible there? - yes! - well, you know then the animals come up the gang plank into that ark, they come up in twos, see? the same with the sames and the different with the different. e tiger, he come up with the tigeress. and the lion, he come up with the lionette. the zebra, he come up with the zebrella. the elephant, he come up with the...uh... well... with what? ah, jeez, i forget the term. but you know the point i'm tryin' to make

you was like a wolf comin' in there after my little girl. not this again!!! yes, this again!!! then and now and forever and always! it's only natural there that the father-in-laws is gonna hate the sons-in-laws. 'cause they'd take away--hey! th, edith's old man-- that was the reason that he hated me! he said he had a whole lot of other reasons, but that was the reason. no, i think there were other reasons, too, arch. oh...that's you. you're never on my side of nothin' there. you don't even know or never even met edith's father, and you're taking his side over me.

with no chin and a go-funny eye. who used to tell longer stories than edith. and they was worse 'cause he told them to you with bad breath. but i ain't surprised because in all the family arguments, you ain't never on my side. what do you mean i ain't been on your side? - i've been on your side many-- - no... what about when you wanted to buy the bar? ma's signature? i traced! i traced it! there's a hell of a difference between a trace and a forge! all right, i'm saying trace! and i understood at the time you had that little thing with the waitress. oh, for god's sake, ain't the world ever gonna forget about my little thing? no! i suppose not.

out there, kid, ain't up to no good, right? you don't trust nobody out there except for your own kind. and you remember that, meathead. that's another thing: meathead. why must you always call me meathead? what the hell? why does that bother you so much? i bet i wasn't the first one to call you meathead. you were the only one ever to call me meathead. they never called me meathead in school. in school they always called me michael. that's all they called you? well, mike or mickey. what a sweet little school you went to there, mike. no wonder you grew up thinking the world was beautiful. why? what'd they call you in school? uh...uh, different things. well, what?

y call you in school? tell me what they called you. [chuckles] well, i remember when we went there during the depression there. we didn't have no money 'cause the old man lost his job-- we was all busted. and, uh, i wore out a shoe, one shoe. so, i couldn't go to school with only one shoe, see? my mother, she found a boot, so... i had a shoe on one foot there and a boot on the other. a shoe and a boot. "shoe-boot." so the kids called me "shoebooty." they used to holler... shoebooty, huh? [laughing] they used to holler: "tooty-fruity, here comes shoebooty." [laughing]

till they found out my name was archibald, and they thought that was funny. and then i wished they'd go back to shoebooty, you know? kids all made fun of you, huh? yeah, they all made fun-- well, all except one little black kid by the name of winston. a black kid liked you? no. the black kid beat the hell outta me. why? well, he must've had a reason. well, he said that i said he was a nigger. well, did you? sure. well, then, that's the reason! what the hell reason was that? that's what all them people was called in them days there. i mean everybody we knew called them people niggers.

to call them? i didn't know the dif-- i should call him a whop? we couldn't call them whops because whops was what we called the dagos. did you ever think-- did you ever think that--that possibly your--your father just might be wrong? wrong my ol' man? don't be stupid. my old man, let me tell you about him. he was never wrong about nothin'. - huh? my ol' man used to call people the same things as your ol' man. but i always knew he was wrong. so was your ol' man. - no, he wasn't. - yes, he was. - your father was wrong. - don't say-- your father was wrong! don't tell me my father was wrong. let me tell you somethin'... father who made ya... wrong?

the man who goes out and busts his butt to keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back? you call your father wrong? hey, hey. your father... your father... that's the man that comes home, bringin' you candy? your father's the first guy to throw a baseball to ya? and take you for walks in the park? hold you by the hand? my father held me by the hand... oh, eh... my father had a hand on him, i tell you. he busted that hand once, and he busted it on me. to teach me to do good.

to teach me to do good... 'cause he loved me. he loved me. don't be lookin' at me!!! let me tell you somethin'... you're supposed to love your father... because... your father loves you. but how can any man that loves you... tell you anything that's wrong? what's the use in talking? [mumbling] nothin' at all...

? boy, the way glenn miller played ? ? songs that made the hit parade ? ? guys like us we had it made ? ? those were the days ? ? and you knew where you were then ? ? girls were girls and men were men ? ? mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again ? ? didn't need no welfare state ? ? everybody pulled his weight ? ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?

would you like some butter on your toast, louise? yes, thanks. all right. now, let's see. the butter is on the second shelf on the left-hand side. i try not to leave the refrigerator door open too long to save energy. how much energy do you think you saved on that move? i didn't save nothing. i got the cheddar cheese. wait a minute. here goes.

glad you dropped in. it's so nice to have company. archie's been out all night driving mr. munson's cab. it was so lonely sleeping without him. but i made believe archie was there by talking over the events of the day before i went to sleep. i talked and talked but archie didn't answer me. it was just like he was there. archie: hey, edith! oh! there's archie! maybe i'd better go. oh, no. you finish your coffee. i'll be right back. all right. oh, archie, i'm so glad you're home. all right, all right! take it easy, will you? i seen enough of that whoopee in the back of my cab all night. here's your dress. you remembered to pick up the dry cleaning! oh, thank you, archie. how was your night?

i ain't never gonna drive that friday night till saturday morning shift no more. every screwball in the city of new york is loose on the streets. morning. except one. thank you very much. what are you doing up so early of a saturday morning? i'm getting breakfast for me and gloria. we're gonna have breakfast in bed. oh, listen to this. they do everything in that bed except sleep. you know, you're not pleasant in the morning. what do you want me to do, looking at you? whistle a happy tune? oh, archie, you must be hungry. i'll get you something to eat. no, no, no. it's all right, edith. i'm too tired to eat. i'm off-duty. all i wanna do is go up and lay down. would you like some company? i said i'm off-duty. all right. have a good day's sleep.

oh, you and gloria gonna have some cornflakes? no, no, no. gloria's gonna have the orange. i'm gonna have the cornflakes. oh, don't you want a bowl for your cereal? no, i like to eat the cereal dry and then i wash it down with the milk. that way it doesn't get soggy. oh. [knocking] mr. jefferson. come in. george: morning. george, what are you doing away from the store? don't worry. i left lionel in charge. mrs. bunker, this has nothing to do with you. where's your husband? he just went upstairs to bed. well, i gotta talk to him. it's important. oh, well, all right. come on in. i'm sure he ain't asleep yet. archie, are you in bed yet? archie: no, not yet, edith. i'm looking out the window. do you know the jeffersons left their shades up? did you know they was putting new wallpaper on the wall of their bedroom? holy cow, them coloreds are wild about stripes.

archie: that don't sound like your voice, edith. no, archie. we've got company. yeah, so i see. thanks for letting me know. bunker, take a look at this. it's a $20 bill. what did you do, hit a number? you gave me $20 when you picked up your cleaning just now and i gave you $18 change. well, i remember. so what? so my $18 was good. this 20 is counterfeit. what? are you sure, george? i wouldn't be here if i wasn't sure. look, i checked these serial numbers against our list. this is 89170412. these are counterfeit serial numbers. they sound like real numbers to me. let's just say you passed this phony on to me by accident. so now all you have to do is reach into your wallet and give me a real one on purpose.

gave you was perfectly good currency of the realm. that was printed on 100 percent u.s. government realm. get out of the way, edith. you didn't even look at the bill. certainly i looked at it. i look at all big bills. i remember where i got that $20. i only got one last night. i remember the guy that give it to me. and he wasn't no counterfeiter. how do you know he wasn't? ah, come on, jefferson. i know people. this was a very classy guy. he was dressed up to the nines in a sharp coat that had one of them velvet collars, money right now, you're gonna find yourself on top of the "10 most sorry honky" list. jefferson, would you care to step outside? i'm ready. good. then step outside. i'm going to bed. see that, bunker?

i'd hate for money to mean that much to me. money don't mean nothing to me. what are you talking about? i'll show you what money means to me. what are we talking about? twenty dollars, huh? okay. ten. twenty. there you are, edith. buy yourself a new hat. see that? i just threw 20 away on the old lady. all right, bunker, let's step outside. can't we all sit down and talk this over? can't you just stay out of this? this here is between jefferson and me like gentlemen. now, jefferson, get out. i ain't going nowhere. i ain't finished with you yet. well, i'm finished with you. louise, can i see you for a minute in the kitchen? yes. louise, what are we gonna do about this? i don't know. i've never seen such a stubborn man in all of my life. me neither. i never knew george could be that way.

are you saying archie is wrong? well, i hope you're not saying george is wrong. you heard archie tell george he didn't give him that bad bill. don't you believe what he said? yes and no. what do you mean? yes, i believe he said it and, no, i don't believe what he said. what are you getting so excited about? i'll tell you what to do with that bill. take that bill up to harlem and pass it there. just shove it on some guy up there. it'll make the rounds, it'll wind up in the hands of some white guy who sells purple cadillacs. and who the hell cares about him, huh? don't believe everything archie says. he's got you brainwashed. don't you have a mind of your own? yes, i do.

de perfectly good sense. to you, maybe, but not to me. there, you see? i'm using my own mind. and you can't say it's because i'm listening to archie because he ain't here. not only that, he ain't all there. you won't listen to what i'm trying to-- nothing you say makes any difference to me. i'm trying to-- you can talk until you're blue in the face, which, come to think of it, in your case, would be an improvement. away saying that to me. hey, your wife is still here. wait till you see what i'm going to say to her. it's obvious we have nothing more to say to each other. ever. [slams door] louise! louise: goodbye! oh! hey, louise, listen-- where is she? she's gone. well, it's a good thing she is. you should have heard what i had in my mind to say to her. what's the matter with you? i just had a fight with louise and i feel terrible.

i just had a fight with her husband and i feel wonderful.

[excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. switch to time warner cable. for $89.99 a month you'll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. we can call aunt rose as much as we want now. switching is easy. get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee with no contract to sign. plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. really? honest...no.

ma, you know that neither archie or mr. jefferson is going to admit that he's wrong. you and louise have to be the peacemakers. i know. but who's gonna make the first move? whoever wants to make up the most. yeah, i am, right now. i'm gonna find out which one wants to make up the most. [gasps] it's a tie! i'm sorry! i'm sorry! oh! oh! you two want me to make you some coffee? oh, that'd be nice. i'll help you, gloria.

oh, louise, i feel so much better. so do i. i don't know what came over us. neither do i. louise, remember that $20 archie gave me to buy a new hat? well, i don't need a new hat. i wish you'd take it and give it to george. well, thanks, edith, but wouldn't it be better if archie gave it back himself? i don't know how we'll ever get him to do that. i know how. hing cleaned? i was gonna bring in his winter coat. perfect. get it, edith. all right. but i could bring it down to the store myself. no, i want george to get it fast. the first thing he does when he gets cleaning is go all through the pockets. we're going to put this in here. and george will find it and maybe he'll think it's archie's way of saying he made a mistake without coming out and saying it.

that reminds me of the ten commandments. which one? the one by cecil b. demille. you remember the part where moses' mother puts him in a little basket and floats him down the river on purpose so that pharaoh's daughter can find him by accident and he can grow up and be charlton heston? george, i have archie bunker's coat. it needs cleaning. uh-uh. no way. now, you take that mangy coat back over there. he tried to put something over on me. he thinks i'm stupid because i'm black. then you be bigger than him. you just turn the other cheek.

to move in next door to those ugly bunkers. what are you talking about? if i still lived in harlem, i could really get even with him. how? by leaving harlem and moving in next door to him all over again. george, you are going to clean his coat. i'll take it to the store myself. go on and take it, then. well, look at this! money! another 20 bucks. hey, these 10s are good. solid. you're not really going to keep that money? no, i'm not going to keep it. good. i'm going to spend it. okay, go ahead. let archie have the last laugh. now where are you coming from? isn't it obvious he put it here on purpose for you to find it? it's archie's way of apologizing. no. you think so? let me put it this way. when was the last time we found $20 in one of archie bunker's pockets? you're right. he's trying to make me look bad.

where are you going? if anybody's gonna have the last laugh, i'm gonna have it first. can't sleep. there's no air in this house. there's no air in new york. maybe you can't sleep because of the argument you had with mr. jefferson. oh, i wouldn't lose any sleep over that argument. i won it, didn't i? i think when two people fight, nobody wins. for jack dempsey, you know that? he could give up his restaurant. he's still a champ. i was talking about fighting over money. by the way, give me back that 20 bucks i give you. what 20 bucks? what i give you to buy yourself a new hat, which i didn't mean in the first place, seeing as i was only trying to get jefferson off my back twenty bucks. [doorbell rings] oh, there's the bell! i'll get it.

louise, george, come in. archie, look who's here. oh, gee. what have you got this time, jefferson? a wooden nickel? louise? remember, last laugh. uh-huh. bunker, this is yours. what's mine? this $20 we found in your coat your wife sent down to be cleaned. twenty dollars--? you got that in my coat and that's mine? that $20 here? hey, edith! what is that? oh, archie. i should have checked the pockets. i'm sorry. u, darling. whoop-de-do. hey. hey. i never would have believed i left that kind of dough in that coat. and you wouldn't have known it if mr. jefferson hadn't found it. he could have kept the money, but he's an honest man. hey, jefferson. nice to see you. see you round.

archie, can i see you? you're looking at me. archie! since you got back $20 you didn't know you had and since mr. jefferson had a loss because of the bad bill, i think you should share this with him. oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. i think you should give him at least half of it. you'd still be ahead $10. oh, please, archie. be fair. what to do. get out of the way. jefferson, i'm going to be fair. seeing as there was a loss here and you and me was both involved in the loss, well, maybe we ought to share this. so here's $10. thanks. all right. fair enough? that's nice, archie. wait a second, arch.

i'm holding $10 in my hand. show me where i'm way more ahead than that. look, arch, you gave mr. jefferson a phony $20 bill. i didn't know nothing about that. it doesn't make any difference! the point is he gave you $18 of real money in change plus $2 worth of cleaning services: that's $20. add to that the 20 that he found in your coat pocket and returned to you because he's an honest man. that's $40 you're ahead. hold it! i just give the man $10 there. all right, so you're ahead $30. thirty dollars? but the fact remains, he gave you $18 cash. you only gave him $10 back. why don't you give him the other $8 you owe? i ain't going to give him no $8. arch, you'll still be ahead 22 bucks. wait a minute. how do you figure that? thirty minus eight is twenty-two. you're $22 ahead.

all right, if i'm $22-- i can add up myself! jefferson, er, as long as i'm $22 ahead here, and i figure if i-- how much should i give him? eight dollars. all right, $8. so i'll give you a $10 bill. give me two ones. i ain't got no change. but he ain't got no change. i ain't got no change. who's got change? oh, jeez, i ain't got no singles here. arch, he gave you $18 worth of change. you've got to have at least three singles. i bought seven cigars and a malted. is that okay with you? would this help? i owe louise $3 from the groceries yesterday. that'll help. how does that help? give me the $10. wait a minute! arch, you were going to give mr. jefferson $8, right? add $3 to that for the groceries. that's $11 you owe mr. jefferson. here's a $10 bill, mr. jefferson.

how do i owe him $1? no, daddy, that's not right. no, that ain't right, little girl. help me here. daddy, you're forgetting about the $2 mr. jefferson's still out for the cleaning. you owe him $3. that ain't no help! she's right, arch. you owe him $3. here, give me 5. wait a minute here! here, mr. jefferson. here's $5. now you owe archie $2. remember, now. you owe me $2. all right. all right, talking of owings, here, what about the $5 you owe me? i give you $5 last week, i loaned it to you to buy pizza for yourself and gloria. oh, that's right. i forgot, archie. oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. i forgot! i'm sorry! gloria, could you give me $5 to give to archie? oh, sure, honey. let me get my purse. archie: yeah, get the purse, huh? no, wait a minute, daddy. there's something wrong here. yeah, there's something wrong, little girl, huh? yeah, you owe me 10.

yeah, don't you remember last week i loaned you $10 when you didn't have enough money to pay the plumber for fixing the drip in the sink? oh, holy cow. yeah. what have you got there? two fives? there's my ten. wait a minute! there's the five you wanted. thank you very much. here's the five i owe you for the pizza. we're all square. you're damn right not quite all square. remember, george, you still owe archie $2. give it to him. yeah, somebody give me something, huh? i'm feeling awful light here. give him the $2. i don't have change. i know how to fix this! archie: how? michael, remember you and daddy still owe lionel $7 for the ball game tickets from last saturday. that's right! i forgot. here, give me the $5. wait a minute! mr. jefferson, here's $5.

you give that to lionel. that squares us with lionel and squares you with archie. everything's perfect. everybody's paid off. gloria: michael, that's right. how is everybody paid off? i had $35 in my hand. i'm standing here holding nothing! now, don't nobody move! because we're going to start this whole transfaction over d we're gonna do it slow, right from the very beginning. all right. it all started when you gave me this phony 20. now you've got it back. bye. come on, louise.

? boy, the way glenn miller played ? songs that made the hit parade ? guys like us, we had it made ? those were the days ? and you knew where you were then ? girls were girls and men were men both: ? mister, we could use a man ? like herbert hoover again ? didn't need no welfare state ? everybody pulled his weight both: ? gee, our old lasalle ran great

mike, would you like some breakfast? oh, no. no, no, ma. when i moved next door, i swore i would never eat here again and have archie call me a moocher. buttermilk pancakes. i'll have six to go. (door slamming) archie: hi, edith. edith, i'm home. come over here. oh, here's archie now. coming! whoop-dee-doo, whoop-dee-doo! how was your night? oh, wait till you hear what happened to me tonight, edith. hi, arch. aw, jeez! look at this. are you moving back or were you just paying us a short visit in your polish tuxedo? he's--he's sorry, mike. come on, tell us the news. oh, edith, you're looking at a hero. what i done in my cab tonight, you'll never guess. you picked up a puerto rican. i said i was a hero, not a daredevil.

eed for a lady passenger in big trouble. archie, you delivered a baby? edith, how the hell are you gonna get hot water in a cab? what--what happened? well, things was kind of slow, see, so i cruised over to kennedy. kennedy airport? no, cape kennedy. i'm looking to pick up a fare to the moon. will you stifle yourself and let me finish the story here, huh? get out of the way. get over there. sit down there, edith, huh? now listen to me. edy about 10 minutes, when all of a sudden, this big, tall, beautiful-looking classy dame hops into the cab. and she says to me, "the northern motor inn, please." the northern motor inn. that's right around here. that's where they put me up when i did jury duty. oh, i'll never forget it. my room was on the 10th floor. don't say nothing, huh, edith?

can't you see that your little story is killing my big story? oh, i'm sorry, archie. so... tick a lock. what? tick a lock. don't you remember? when you were a kid, and somebody told you something that you wasn't supposed to tell to nobody else, you went tick a lock and your lips were sealed. well, do that and shut up also. now, where was i? uh, lady got into your cab. yeah, lady got into my cab. so, i'm driving along there about 6:30 in the a-of-m, and i'm making a small chitter-chatter, you know. and all of a sudden, it hits me. for about 15 minutes, she ain't been saying nothing at all. see, but that ain't natural for a dame, especially a big one. so, i check in the rear-view mirror and i see she ain't sitting there.

tick your lock and swallow the key. i'm driving here. all right, she ain't there. so, i pull the cab over to the side there, you see? and i stop it like this here. all right? open the door, get out of the cab. you forgot to close the door. that's all ight, don't worry. i'll take care of it. cold as a mackerel. so, i hop into the cab, back, see, and the first thing i notice is that she ain't breathing. that's 'cause you're standing on her chest. shut up, you! so now, thinking quick, i start giving her mouth-to-mouth restitution there. and finally, she starts comin' around.

what i done! now, along comes this colored cop, see? and he wants to take over the mouth-to-mouth. but i'm thinking fast. i say, "no." i send him for the ambulance, you know. because, listen, if you give a person the wrong breath type, you could kill that person. (sighs) she could've wound up with a black lung. that's right. archie, you saved a human life. yeah. you are a hero. yeah. oh! but not in front of the boy, edith. just set the table for breakfast and set for two. he don't live here no more. oh, right away. yeah. hey, arch, where did you learn mouth-to-mouth resuscitation anyway? down at the plant. they got a big poster in the john telling you all about it. i read it thousands of times sitting there. oh, archie. mr. munson must've been tickled when you told him what you done. (archie exclaiming)

orgot to collect the fare." how do you like that? saying a thing like that and i'm faced with a woman laying there prostate? i suppose he wanted me to pick her purse. now, i couldn't do a thing like that. you're right. that's no time to think of money. yeah, that's right. how would i know what to tip myself anyhow? so, i left my name, address and phone number at the hospital, see, so she can get in touch with me when she gets out of, what you call, expensive care. oh. . all munson cared about was the money, huh? well, listen, he felt a lot better when i told him all the publicity he's gonna get when this thing breaks in the papers. you mean there was a reporter there? no. well then who's gonna tell the papers? you are, buddy. oh, no, no, wait a second. get over here. get over here. oh, wait--wait a minute. get on the phone and call the long island press here, and you tell them the whole story like you seen it. yeah, but, arch, i didn't see it. i wasn't there. you're the one who should call the paper.

shy. in world war ii, did george c. patton call the papers every time he blew up italy? come on, get on the horn here, it's costing us money. no, no, arch. i can't. you're the one who's got to make the phone call. i can't. come on. i can't. i'll tell gloria what you did, she'll be real proud of you. wait a minute. wait a minute. maybe gloria can call the paper for me. no, no, she can't, arch. why not? the phone won't reach to the tub. what the hell is he talkin' about? archie, you know something? i ain't been so proud of you since uncle willie cut his finger carving the christmas turkey and you stopped the bleedin' by tyin' it up with the string they use to tie up the turkey's you-know-what with. remember? how can you do that all in one breath? well, ever since i was a little girl... cut! come here. put the pancakes over there. get to the phone. i want you to do something.

'em the story i told you here. the whole truth. you wanna report a hero. okay? oh, all right. all right. now, i'll dial information, see? oh. get the number of the paper. and when you get the paper, you ask for the guy that runs the front page, see? meantime, i'll be upstairs reading in the library. hello, operator, would you please give me the number of the long island press? (doorbell ringing) oh, uh... excuse me, operator, i can't talk to you now. i'll call you back later. yeah. goodbye. coming! oh, hello. hello. is this the bunker residence? yeah, i'm mrs. bunker. oh, i'm beverly lasalle. is your husband home? well, he's busy right now. i got your address from the hospital. mr. bunker saved my life this morning. oh, you're the one. well, come on in. (exclaims) well, uh, sit down.

here. well, how are you feelin' now? oh, much better now. thank you. the doctors said it was complete exhaustion. i'd been working very hard, and i guess i was just worn out. oh, well, it's good thing you wore out with archie. 'cause he learned how to save people's lives in the toilet at work. oh, he saved mine in a cab. it was foolish of me to work three shows a night without a night off. are you in show business? yes. i'm a female impersonator. ain't that interesting? you know that's smart, too.

n a lady? i'm afraid you don't understand mrs. bunker. i'm a transvestite. well, you sure fooled me. i mean, you ain't got no accent at all. thank you. i--i really can't stay very long. i just wanted to thank your husband personally. but, well, you say he's busy? (toilet flushing) uh, not anymore. archie, uh, come on down, you got a visitor. archie: i ain't receiving, edith.

oh, listen, hang on to her. i'll be right down. h-he'll be right down. thank you. would you like some coffee? oh, not a thing. thank you. i'm already late for rehearsals. i'm opening tonight at the new pink tiger theater. on northern boulevard? yes. that used to be the old pink tiger. well, well, well, well, well. gee, here you are. well, good to you see you. the last time i seen you, you was laid out pale as a goat. how're you feeling? oh, just fine. thanks to your knowing exactly what to do. oh, listen, it was a pleasure. i just wish there was some way i could express my appreciation. well, i can't think of nothing, except, well, maybe the cab fare plus whatever. oh, my goodness, i completely... wasn't that silly of me? here. this should cover it. oh, wait a minute. the fare was only eight and a quarter. i can't break that bill. oh, that's all for you. i insist. do you know that this is a $50? yes. well...

i was telling your wife, mr. bunker, i'm no lady. ah. well, listen, how you earned this $50 is no business of mine. i will just say, "thank you, miss."

would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. switch to time warner cable. for $89.99 a month you'll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. we can call aunt rose as much as we want now. switching is easy.

plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. really? honest...no.

i'm still like this here. where did you go? down to the drug store, we'd run out of laborosis. hey, arch. hold this. you're back, huh? what'd you come over to mooch this time? nothin', arch. i just ran over because i was feeling a little bit faint. get him out of my house! you told him and i told you not to say one word to nobody! mike is family. gloria is family. what's standing behind me is an accident of marriage. arch, what are you ashamed of? (groaning) you're a hero. you saved a life. yeah, lifeguards give mouth-to-mouth all the time. listen, edith, lifeguards' victims is always wearing bathing suits.

. arch, the man is not a freak. outside of wearing women's clothes, he could be just like anybody else. well, i'd never let my sister marry one or my brother neither. let me ask you one question. don't ask me nothin'. i don't want to hear no more about it. it's over and done and forgotten. case closed. just one question. ain't you got no ear holes? i said, "case closed." if you had known that that guy was a man, would you have saved his lif dumb question. 'cause i didn't know. yeah, but if you had known, what would you have done? i suppose i would have got a fag fireman. so, all right, so you're saying that if you knew he was a transvestite, you would've let him die. oh, mike, no. archie: aw, jeez! archie wouldn't have done that because archie is a good christian. that's right. of course, he might have closed his eyes

don't help me over there, will you? just tick your lock. (telephone ringing) mike: i'll get it. edith: i'll get it. i'll get that. i'll get that! get out of here. you don't live here no more. get over there and tick your lock. what? oh, it's you, huh, munson? no, no. i didn't tell the paper 'cause i don't want no publicity. what do you mean "hero"? don't tell me nothin' about heroes. the best heroes is the unstrung heroes. hey, hey, don't come over here. i ain't gonna be here. i'm going down to kelcy's. goodbye, you jerk. what? you still didn't answer my question. oh, here we go again. if you had known he was a transvestite, would you have let him die? aw, jeez! edith... mike, archie would not let him die. it says in the bible, "love thy neighbor as you love yourself." there. w-w-wait a minute. it also says in the bible

which is what that fag bore up against me. fag? you don't even know what you're talking about. it just so happens that the majority of transvestites are heterosexual. that's what i said, "fagolists." just give me a straight answer. no! no! let me out of here! would you have saved the man? yes, yes, all right. i would've saved the man. yes! even if i'd have known he was a transvoisal. but in that case, i would've blew into him through my hat. ma, you know what's nice about archie? what? you can't think of anything either, huh? here you go, prince charming. what's that supposed to mean? munson told me how you gave the kiss of life to a sleeping beauty. what's the big deal?

out of doing it, huh? put a head on the beer and shut up. okay, okay, coming right... listen, archie, after what you've done, all your drinks is on the house. oh, yeah? yeah. as long as you keep it under two. oh, funny, funny. hey, arch, i want you to meet jim kitchener. from the long island press. oh, hey, hey, hey! munson, i told you i didn't want no publicity. yeah, but think of the publicity i can get for my cab. i don't care nothin' about that. our paper wants to make you, uh, citizen of the week, bunker. i--i don't want to be the citizen of the week. and here's a check for a $100 that goes with the honor. what can i tell you, mr. koocher? kitchener. whatever. everything. just tell me how it all happened. start from the beginning. oh, at the beginning, well, i was over in kennedy driving my... oh, there you are, mr. bunker. holy cow!

no. no, you didn't forget nothin'. you paid me my whole fare and something else besides. you wouldn't be the one whose life he saved? yes, i would. well, i'm jim kitchener from the long island press. oh. say, i'd like to get a shot of the two of you together. hold it. hold it. hold it! wait a minute. before you start anything like that, i'd like to have a couple of words in private with this lady, if you don't mind. you don't mind, do you now? oh, no, no. just step right over here. way over there. what're you doin' here? how did you find me? well, i called your house. your son-in-law said he'd be sure you were here. i'll kill him later. well, you know, i'm opening tonight (shushing) at the new pink tiger... ...theater, and i wanted you and your wife to be my guests for the show. oh, yeah, yeah, all right. we're very much obliged, but listen, while you're in here, for god's sakes, don't take off the hair. i mean, not even for laughs. because these guys in here, they ain't liberal thinkers.

yes, i think i do. good. good. thanks a lot for the invite and if you're in a hurry, feel free to leave. i'm on a rehearsal break. but first, which way is the men's room? can't you hold it in? no, i need to use the sand box. right through that door. thank you. well, where is he? he went to the men's room. why did you let him go there? because i'm tidy. hey, arch, you're gonna split that 100 bucks with me, aren't you? since it all happened in my cab. heroes don't split nothin' with nobody. oh, boy!

yeah, she couldn't hold it in. she must've made a mistake. no way, i was a medic in the army. there's no mistake. that's a guy in drag. no, you must've been seeing things. i'm already late for rehearsal, so maybe we better get on with the interview. is something showing? all right. i-i-i'll explain everything that happened. beverly: let me tell it. yeah, but you ain't gonna say nothin', are you? well, the first thing i remember is i felt faint in the cab, and then mr. bunker pulled over to the curb. and the next thing i remember, when i came to, i was being given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation by a truck driver. truck driver? oh, you mean cab driver. no, no, it wasn't mr. bunker. it was a truck driver. yeah, yeah, a truck driver it was. a great big guy.

how do i find this guy? call the teamsters. try a hospital. good idea. and remember, it happened in munson's cab. that's spelt m-u-n-s-o-n. aw, jeez! all right, mr. bunker? aw, aw, jeez, beautiful. now, let me tell you something... oops! sorry, fella. i just wanted to say to you, beverly, for a dame, you're one hell of a guy.

? boy, the way glenn miller played ? ? songs that made the hit parade ? ? guys like us we had it made ? [ together ] ? those were the days ? ? and you knew where you were then ? [ archie ] ? girls were girls and men were men ? [ archie, edith ] ? mister, we could use a man ? ? like herbert hoover again ? [ archie ] ? didn't need no welfare state ? [ edith ] ? everybody pulled his weight ? [ archie, edith ] ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?

oh, my. that's the 11th time... i've been up and down those stairs this morning. i don't know why you do it, ma. i know oscar's a guest, but he's impossible. i can see why he drives daddy up the wall. oh, well, he won't be here for long. where is your father anyway? oh. oscar got up early, came down and grabbed archie's sports section. he went back to bed, so archie had to go out and get another paper. oh, i bet that made him mad. r relative that aggravated your father-in-law like that. kind of a tall fellow with reddish hair. real large earlobes. and warts on his right hand that he used to wear a glove to cover. ma, that's cousin oscar. that's right.

, there you are. you had to get another paper? uh, no, edith. i had to go out and inspect the traffic lights. "don't walk. walk." "don't walk. walk," you know? they work fine. i got something to tell all of youse. i made up my mind. i'm going to get rid of that bum oscar today. i got a call in to cousin lou in detroit. he's the head of the family. let him figure out some way to get oscar home. and by the way, where's our guest of honor at this moment? 0 nearly, and that deadbeat is still up there sawing wood? maybe he's tired. well, i ain't surprised. he was up half the night flushing the toilet. that's what has me a wreck today. yeah, i heard that too. maybe the man has a problem. maybe he isn't well. he's well all right. after the third flush he was doing it to spite me. all his life he's been spiting me.

. so he was running between his room and the toilet 32 times to help himself go to sleep? it does sound complicated when you think about it. do me a favor, huh? just butt out of the conversation. his whole being here is your fault anyhow. now will you vacate that chair, meathead? daddy, the man showed up at our front door looking so desperate. this way, edith. "no." maybe we'll all feel better if we had breakfast now. oh, yeah. good. i'm starving. yeah, me too. - shouldn't we tell oscar we're eating? - no, no, no. if he's still up there, we'll leave him go hungry. oh, he won't go hungry. right after he went to bed with your sports section, i took him up a little something.

it was just a poached egg and some prunes. that ain't the point what it is, edith. and if there's anything that that guy don't need, it's prunes. geez, i'm trying to figure out how to get rid of the guy, she's giving him breakfast in bed. and nothing on the table for us. i'll get it right away. i'll help you, ma. hey, arch, how long you felt this way about oscar? he was always this big hump with a whole lot of red hair... and earlobes as big as apricots. and all kinds of warts. when we was kids, he was always chasing me on the grass, knocking me down and sitting on my face. - that's it? - ain't that enough? you mean all he ever did was sit on your face on the grass? sometimes on the cement.

aw, who knows? like any second cousin eight or nine times removed. wait a minute. i think i remember. your sister alma had a brother phil-- wait a minute, edith. why do you say my sister alma had a brother phil? if my sister had a brother phil, then i had a brother phil, too. well, sure. but it's that way in every family, archie. ster helen is also my sister gertrude's-- oh, stifle it, will ya? i understand. hey, what is this? what's in these bottles? oh, those are oscar's vitamin supplements. he don't need no supplements. the guy eats as much as all of us put together. if oscar was here regular, i'd give myself three months... then it's over the hill to the poor house for me. eggs, archie?

t away. no. let me, ma. did he bring these vitamins with him? oh, no. when i went shopping they was on his food order. his-- his food order? edith, these vitamins cost the moon. - what else was on the food order? - nothing. just the regular. meat, fruit, liquor. you bought him liquor? you only had rye. he wanted brandy. well, just look a little harder, little girl, will ya? use your eyes over there. edith, what have we got going here? brandy? who do i look like, the duke of windsor? edith, let me see the rest of the food order. i don't have it. i think i threw it away. what do you mean you think you threw it away? "a," you did or "b," you didn't. pick one.

she says there are no cigars there. what happened to my cigars? i guess you better ask oscar. oscar don't smoke cigars. he does now. well, now, that does it! now that's the thing that broke the straw. that's all there is to it. i'm going to get rid of that freeloader today. right now. mike, go up and tell him. - why me? - because i asked you to. can't you do that? run upstairs, huh? tell him get out of bed, get out of my pajamas and get his tail down here. and youse two, come on and clear off the table. come on. maybe we'd better wait. what for, edith? it's almost his lunchtime, and his steak is already defrosting. his steak? edith, put that steak back in the freezer. it's probably big enough for the four of us. we can have it for new year's eve. he ain't gonna have time for no lunch, 'cause i'm gonna get rid of oscar... in post and in haste.

i tell you something, family can go just so far. then you gotta grab the bull by the "corns" and heave-ho. [ clears throat ] did you get him up? is he coming down here? no. what do you mean, no? you didn't get him up, or he ain't coming down? both. what is that foolish look on your face? why didn't you wake oscar up? he's dead. he's dead. what are you telling me a thing like that for? 'cause he is. no. yeah. no. yeah.

well, he sat on my face again. he's got relations in 16 cities, but he's got to pick my attic to die in. is oscar down yet, archie? uh, no, he ain't, edith. say nothing to your mother-in-law. is something wrong? what happened? nothing's wrong. nothing's wrong. [ softly ] she flies right to pieces. keep quiet. where's oscar? uh, in bed. he hasn't moved. what's everybody acting so funny about? is something wrong with oscar? she's going right to pieces, nobody even told her yet. shh! told me what? is it about oscar? told her what? edith, please. don't get hysterical. i think there's something wrong with oscar.

women, just calm down! gee whiz. there's no reason to get hysterical at a time like this. what we don't need is a lot of screaming and crying! who's screaming? who's crying? just calm down. michael, what do you mean? relax. take it easy. the two of youse just dummy up, huh? now let me handle this. edith, uh,

f freddy? look-look, freddy. i mean, i'm only a second cousin, you're a first. now you gotta help with this thing. i did call other people.

e with this thing too. well, fred, just do what you can and get back to me, huh? fast. i'll wait for the call. yeah. good-bye. you crumb. what do you got to show us? like i was telling your wife, you made a wise choice. by entrusting your beloved to a neighborhood mortuary, you're gonna come out smelling like a rose. whitehead, how much? first and foremost, whitehead brothers wants to create a beautiful... and lasting memory picture of the loved one. oh, ain't that nice. undertakers sound like mother's day cards. uh, mrs. bunker, we say funeral directors now. you're not supposed to say undertakers anymore. oh. like the mafia. [ archie ] now stifle yourself. whitehead, come here. now listen, i know you 13 years from the lodge, right?

well, let's take a look at the book. go ahead. all right, here's-- we got 329-l, arch. we call it the patriot. now the motif is early american, as you can see. maple hardwood. red, white and blue quilting. and painted on the inside lid, facing the deceased, the american flag. how much? what's the difference how much, archie? mr. whitehead, i've been listening in, and if you don't mind my speaking openly-- what better time for it, son? in the presence of death, we are all of us achingly aware of the solitude-- whitehead, hold it, will ya? spare us the stained-glass language. what was you saying? i just think this whole thing is barbaric. it's like some kind of circus. you said it. and i'm the clown in the middle ring. come on, whitehead. now how much are you going to charge me for that flag number? $325. $325 just for a box?

i'm supposed to give him a home through eternity? [ doorbell ringing ] hold on now. no. edith, edith. no, no. i'll answer the door. i can't stand looking at them things. will you go over and pick something out, huh? from the back of the book. oh, mrs. jefferson. how are you? mr. bunker, i came as soon as i heard the news. i'm so sorry. what are you gonna do? was his death untimely? yeah, around lunchtime. well, i brought this for you. thank you. well, you know where the table is over there. hey, edith, mrs. jefferson is here. what a lovely cake. - edith, a moment over here. a moment. - [ doorbell ringing ] all right. edith, we got people coming. try and get an apron on her, maybe they'll think she's the maid.

ya, jimmy. yeah, yeah, yeah. i know. archie, archie, archie. don't say nothing. i know how you feel. we know just how you feel. jim lost his father three years ago last month. it was a beautiful service. 926 bucks. uh, excuse me, jimmy, huh? edith, the mcnabs are here. whitehead, come here. let me ask you something. did you do the job on jim mcnab's old man about two years ago? we did it. are you telling me that mcnab laid out that much for a funeral, huh? [ doorbell ringing ] the important thing is when you walk away from that cemetery... after a whitehead funeral, you're going to be able to hold your head up high. whitehead-- archie, it's a telegram for you. good. it's the relations in detroit with the collection. let's see how high they want to hold up their heads.

seventy-three dollars and twenty-five cents. our pet department gets that for a canary. excuse me. whitehead, it's time for a little plain talk. can a guy buy something, such as used? used. any floor models, demonstrators, fleet jobs? whatever. what you want then is something modestly priced. cheap, whitehead. dirt cheap. [ doorbell ringing ] now find something like that for me in here. [ archie ] i gotta make a phone call. oh, edith. [ sobbing ] where's archie? [ sobbing ] archie.

who even knew oscar was living with you, the poor love. did he suffer long? was it terrible? who are you? [ crying continues ] i'm cousin bertha. wilber's daughter from ozone park. hey, edith. it's been eleven years. i'll pull myself together. we'll have a long talk. geez, a death in the family, they come fallin' out of the woodwork. mr. bunker, do you think the funeral will be in the morning? i usually do my shopping in the morning. well, i'll keep it in mind. maybe we can pass the market on the way.

yeah. wh-what are you doing? well, nuts to you too! mike, come over here. stop feeding your face and help me, will ya? do something around here. what do you want? keep dialing that number on the pad there. when you get a line, let me know. h-hey, archie. billy hartfeld, how'd you find out? oh, kenny's wife told my old lady. anyway, when's the funeral? i don't know, billy. we're working up to it. [ doorbell ringing ] well, whenever. don't worry. i mean, the whole department is going to turn out. n the new union contract. half-day for funerals. oh, come on. find a chair somewheres and sit down, huh? - it's the reverend felcher. - good night, nurse. hold it, whitehead. hi there, reverend. how are you? mr. bunker, i was so unhappy to hear of your sorrow. i know that mere words cannot substitute for your loss. well, you can say that again, reverend.

go ahead, whitehead. shoot. i got an item here on page eight. now, it's the lowest one we got. number 101-p, $97.50. but there's no guarantee against warping. sold. all right. let's see what it comes to with the other essentials. there's the burial plot, memorial tablet, limousine service, memorial prayer booklets, you're building it up, whitehead. recorded organ music, which i'll throw in free. you're building up. give me the numbers. all right. it's about that figure there. that's over 600 bucks. whitehead, i can't go for that. we can talk it down-- arch. it's ringing. [ archie ] huh? don't go away. i got a call. yeah. hello, is that you, freddy? well, who's this? oh, debbie marie, huh? well, is your daddy there? it's your birthday? no, no, debbie marie, i don't want to guess how old you are.

look, kid, this is a long-distance call. i don't give a damn how old you are. get your old man on the phone! freddy. freddy, where are ya? i'm waitin' for your call here. huh? i know it's debbie marie's birthday. i don't want to guess her age. i done that already. freddy, are you gonna help me or not? what-what do you mean your wife won't let you? no, no. let them cut the cake themselves. stay with me on this line. i called you long distance. freddy? freddy, now don't get off the line. what a crumb. get outta the way, will ya? hey, archie? let me talk to you for a second. what? i think i figured something out here. i've been doing some checking up. i figured out a way it won't cost you a penny. if you want to go for it. i'll go for anything like that. what is it? you see, a cousin is not like a brother or a sister. i mean, there may be a moral obligation, but there's no legal one. all you have to do is call the coroner's office, they'll go to whitehead's, pick up the body and dispose of it.

will they pay for the funeral? well, that's just it. there is no funeral. they just put him in the ground in a place they call potter's field. you know, it's for paupers. well, that's oscar. hey, boy. hey, in a pinch you really come through there. that's sensational. hey. i hate to do this to you, whitehead, but we're gonna go this way for nothing. archie, the reverend felcher would like you to tell him something about oscar. you know, for the service at the funeral. there ain't gonna be no funeral. what? don't argue. whitehead, you heard what i said. i'm waitin' to hear you tell them. you're gonna hear me right now. no, edith. i'm not gonna do it. you gotta have a funeral. uh, listen, everybody. give me your attention, all of youse, huh? i wanna tell you something about the funeral. archie, we've been through worse than this. when was that, edith? well, we've been through things just as bad. when, edith?

what do you want me to do? spend over $600 on a funeral... for a cousin who used to sit on my face? he'll never do it again. [ clears throat ] now, folks, what i want to tell you is, uh-- uh, the funeral, uh, is gonna be saturday. archie? what? you better make it friday. they're negotiating right now, but the grave diggers might go on strike friday midnight.

? boy, the way glenn miller played ? ? songs that made the hit parade ? ? guys like us we had it made ? ? those were the days ? ? and you knew where you were then ? ? girls were girls and men were men ? bert hoover again ? ? didn't need no welfare state ? ? everybody pulled his weight ? ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?