[ music ] [ applause ] >> okay. >> hello, there. [ cheering ]

>> do you realize that, uh-- >> by now, we're on, late at night, and everybody in the country has wished everybody a thanksgiving. >> that's right. >> but, for an-- everybody on "the tonight show," you and your family-- we hope you had a-- >> yeah. >> lovely holiday, with your friends, relatives. >> do you realize this is our 26th thanksgiving we've spent together? >> you're kidding. >> no. >> i didn't know that. >> twenty-six years. [ applause ] [ cheering ] and, when i met you, you changed my whole life, about thanksgiving, 'cause i didn't know the true story. but you told me that wonderful, intimate story about squanto, the indian, that the-- that's not in any of the history books that i've ever seen. >> now, they don't know what you're talking about. >> i know, but you told me about him, and i never knew about that. [ chuckling ] >> what was he, one of the gowie tribe? what was he-- >> now, i-i must tell you-- >> he-he was one o' the gowies, wasn't he? >> you have no idea what you're talkin' about. years ago, [ chuckling ] we did a show, on abc, called "who do you trust?" it was on, in the afternoon. >> live. >> it was a c-comedy quiz show. it was live. and one of the sponsors was the a-amana company. the amana company makes amana freezers and, uh, other appliances. and, uh, i guess their home office is in iowa.

a religious-- >> it's an aman-- amana colonies. >> a colony. and, uh, they make fine products. and, on this particular [ chuckling ] thanksgiving, they sponsored "who do you trust?" at 3:30 in the afternoon, on abc. and... >> they had a two-minute live commercial. >> he had to stand up. and it wasn't really a commercial. it was a nice, uh, almost a soliloquy about how our first thanksgiving started, and a little history of how the pilgrims came here. and they were befriended by, uh, an old indian named squanto. that was the indian's name. told 'em how to plant corn. and we got to one o' those days. i guess we'd been at sardi's, and we had to do a couple o' shows. and we were feeling really silly. and, as ed was tryna deliver this-- >> solemn. kind of a solemn commercial. >> solemn, lovely spirit of thanksgiving day address, i was making references, just out of view of the camera, and-- just so he could hear me-- about squanto and what kind of a person he really was. [ laughter ] made several references to his upbringing, his heritage, uh, his, uh, sexual preferences. it wasn't-- [ laughter ]

and-- tears rolling d-- >> and there's a device that you do, when you're in this business and you know somebody's tryna put you on. you put your fingernails-- >> mmm-hmm. >> and press, as hard as you can, into your hand. at the end of that two-minute-- [ chuckling ] >> i was bleeding. [ some laughter ] i really was bleeding. to try to stay straight, 'cause these people are spending a lotta money. >> it was not one of our-- >> and you were saying these terrible things. >> terrible things. i apologize-- >> yeah. >> to squanto. he was a fine indian. >> he was a wonderful indian. he was a brave soul. >> yes, he was. >> and he did fool around with squaws. [ laughing ] we handed out some cards, here. um. you don't have to yell out your name, unless you want to... just yell out your name. [ yelling ] >> oh. [ laughter ] she yelled out her name. >> when i meant "yelling," cathy, i mean-- you know. where ya from, cathy? [ laughing ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> cathy's obviously having more fun, in the audience, than we are. [ laughter ] where ya from, dear? >> new jersey. >> from new jersey, all right. [ some applause and cheering ] okay. here's what cathy wants to know. "are you in the market for a new woman?" [ laughter ] [ laughing ] is that where you find

>> i'm just putting-putting tv dinners in my shopping cart. [ chuckling ] >> i didn't know. no, really not in the market, at-at this point. no, i'm kinda, as they say, um, fallow, right now. >> yes. [ some laughter ] >> no, that does-- no, "fallow" means, like, you-- well, you know what i mean. [ laughter ] uh, i can't read the... chris... domini? where're you from, chris and-- >> bethesda, maryland. >> uh-huh, okay. [ some applause ] "would you stand in the rain, [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] i-- that's-- good question. i do-- i don't think i'd stand in the rain, to watch indira gandhi do a one-and-a-half into a vat of tapioca. [ laughter ] that's very nice that you did, anyway. um. clem roupe? [ some cheering ] from new orleans. that's a good city, new orleans. >> great city. >> "what do you find most rewarding about

um, making people laugh, i guess. >> laughter. >> yeah, laughter. and being able to steal old wonder woman costumes. [ laughter ] >> al sterky? stucky? stoky? am i getting close? [ laughter ] >> al? >> am i getting close, al? >> where are ya? >> right here. >> w-w-what is it, al? the last name. i'm sorry. >> stucky. >> stucky. >> stucky. >> all right. that make you the stuccee. >> that's right. [ laughing ] >>ou "what a house o' stucco, and you--" >> "and you is the stuccee." [ laughter ] "how many years before you can retire?" i-i think, um-- i dunno. what's the official nbc retirement age? >> there's no real age. >> actually, what they do-- they-they don't retire. they put you out to stud. [ laughter ] >> you could go, any day. >> y-- [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] just-- go to a little farm in kentucky, and breed new hosts.

hope mclean stevenson hasn't eaten all the grass. >> that's right. [ laughter ] >> jack ka-kansila? is that right, jack? [ cheering ] "what did linda do with the brush, last night?" now, if you didn't see the show, uh, we did a silly thing, last night. probably the dumbest, not-- most ludicrous thing i've ever done. we had four young ladies, up here, and we said, "would ya like to take a shower, with a star?" we had an actual shower, on stage, with running water. and the ladies had rain gear on, d i did have-- now, people thought i didn't have anything on. >> no. you had briefs. >> uh, i did have something-- i had little briefs on, cause-- behind the glass. 'cause i would not get in a-a shower, with strangers. [ laughter ] nude. i would have to at least be introduced. [ laughter ] say something like-- >> i introduced linda. >> say something like, "how are you?" [ laughter ] then, you can make a move. uh. anyway, linda was a free-spirited kinda girl, and she had a long brush, which she was wielding, uh, in a strange manner.

you have to figure it out, yourself. uh... "what restaurant can i find you in, after the show?" asks jean-- yannick? yenik? no, i'm goin' to dinner, with my, uh-- my brother and sister, my kids, and so forth. how 'bout you? >> i'm going out to s-- malibu. not to your place. to another place. >> oh, good. i though-- [ laughter ] god, i thought, "did i invite him?" [ laughing ] [ laughter ] >> uh, c-- the last name is carreca? c-a-r-r-e-c-a. >> yay! >> yay! >> hey! "why can't out-of-state people get tickets to this show?" [ some applause and cheering ] >> wait, a minute, there's no-- >> their arms aren't long enough. i-- [ laughter ] why-- >> ride in. they get tickets. >> you can get tickets. >> people from out of state are here, tonight! >> wh-- well, of course they can. >> certainly. >> certainly. >> wh-wh-what makes ya think you can't get tickets, if your out of state? >> they won't send 'em to us. >> no, i really-- i-i don't know how they mail 'em in. maybe they-- people have to be here. i really don't know.

>> sure. [ some laughter ] last-last we'll hear about that. [ some laughter ] lydia-lydia ortiz? >> i'm here! [ applauding ] >> hey, how ya doin', lydia? "if i could have a birca-- if--" oh, she'd like to know if she could have "a birthday kiss, handshake, anything. my birthday is today." really? >> really! >> well, happy birthday. >> happy birthday. >> yeah, we'll-we'll-- send up something. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> now, h-here's a loaded question. jeff tocar. where're you, jeff? [ some aus ah. cadet, at west point. "what will be the score of the army navy game, tomorrow?" [ laughing ] >> hey! >> no, i'd say-- i don't know whether the army or navy out-outnumbers the audience here, tonight. [ laughter ] >> but you know the numbers. you know the score. [ some yelling ] you know the score! >> what's the score? >> twenty-three to 14. >> army. >> we don't know who wins, but that's the score. >> yeah, yeah. that's-- any-- [ some laughter ] no, that's-that's tough. i dunno. it should be a good game, though. you were in the marines. >> yes. >> i was in-- i was in the navy. >> yes. >> so... [ applause ] emotionally, i have to--

[ some applause and cheering ] but my dad was in the army. [ some applause and cheering ] and my sister was a hostage. [ laughter ] >> you'll probably enjoy halftime. >> yes. uh. "i came all the way from kansas, to see you. would you come to kansas, to see me?" says-- [ laughter ] asks connie richardson. where're you, connie? >> here. >> long as you don't live in lawrence, kansas, i would come to see you. [ laughter ] [ some applause ] kansas-- good state. that's just south of wherese did you know that? nebraska was right north of kansas? >> sure. >> you didn't know that. [ some laughter ] is that a big secret? >> that's right. anybody can look that up. mabel m-matherno? >> yay! >> how do ya pronounce your last name, mabel? >> mathari. >> matha-- m-m-- >> mathari. >> mathari. i'm sorry about that. new orleans. "how is your love life?" [ laughter ]

[ laughter ] so, not, uh-- [ laughing ] >> jeff, from san diego. wants to know if i've ever waited in line, for three years, to see anything, in his life. for three hours! to see-- probably seems like three years, out there. >> no, i don't thi-- you? >> no. >> once, in guam. >> yeah? [ laughter ] >> wait-wait in line, three hours. >> was it worth it? >> no, it was tanya, with the, uh, twirling-- [ laughter ] twirling freckles, or something. "how did ya like the shower, last night, with the girls?" well, we already touched on that. "what was the most embarrassing moment, as host of 'the tonight show?' " i think the night that little creature climbed up on top of my head and did a-- [ laughter ] did a-- did a number. how dudley moore got up there, i'll never know. [ laughter ] no, that really wasn't embarrassing. >> no. >> that was kind of a-- >> weird. >> what was the most embarrassing, uh-- >> i dunno. >> all right. let's see what--

if being an entertainer had never paid off?" asks joshua bloom. where are ya, josh? >> up here! >> okay, josh. where ya from? >> originally, or now? [ laughter ] >> i know where ya are now, josh. [ laughter ] [ some applause ] where-where were ya, before you-- >> originally. >> where were ya, before you came in here? >> originally from baltimore. >> okay. [ some applause and cheering ] at i dunno. i was gonna-- i wanted to be a lawyer, once. >> yeah? >> yeah. really wanted to be a lawyer. should've. i coulda saved myself a bundle! [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughing ] >> what were you-- what would you wanna be? >> i told ya, an architect. i'd love to be an architect. >> that's right. you wanted to be an architect. >> but you have that secret desire. very few people want that, or do that work, anymore. >> well, i don't think there's much call for it, anymore. >> yeah. >> i wanna be a shepherd. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> great outdoors. >> yeah. >> baa. >> close to the land. >> my piece of bottom land and some sheep.

>> put up a little school. raise-raise some young'uns. [ laughing ] >> why do i get into that? [ some laughter ] anyway, thanks for the questions. robert blake is gonna be out here, shortly. okay. chex brown ce-- uh, chex brand cereal. >> brand. [ some laughter ] >> uh, not bran. chex brand cereal. presents another great breakfast taste-- new crispy oatmeal and raisin chex.

[ music ] [ applause ] that old thanksgiving day song. [ humming ] [ laughing ] uh, my first guest is one of the most interesting people i think i know-- robert blake. he, uh, says what's on his mind. he, uh, sometimes is controversial. but he says it as it is. as you know, he won an, uh-- an emmy, for his role as, uh-- in the television series "baretta." and he's here to spend-- i think he was with us last thanksgiving, wasn't he? would you welcome robert blake? [ applause ]

get your security to hang on to, there. [ sighing ] >> wow! okay, deep breath. relax. >> i'm glad that's over. >> yeah. [ chuckling ] >> just the walkout? >> ugh! >> how are ya? >> oh, wonderful! >> good. >> happy, uh-- >> happy bird. >> bird, yes. >> yeah. >> uh, thanksgiving. >> yeah. you were with us last year, weren't ya? if i remember-- >> yes, and i'm thankful to notde [ chuckling ] a year later. >> another good year, huh? >> haven't gone to the... bone orchard. >> the bone orchard? >> i haven't, uh-- [ chuckling ] gone to the hospital. >> well, that's-- >> i ain't at folsom. uh-- >> what more can a man want outta life? [ laughter ] >> that's right. >> miracles galore! [ laughing ] >> i mean-- what a happy, uh-- happy year you've had. >> i-i-- [ chuckling ] >> if you live to be a million-- >> yeah. >> you will never know anybody luckier than me. i mean-- >> really.

all the times i shoulda croaked-- i mean, ya know, everybody got interesting life. >> yeah. >> but you ain't up here talkin', so i gotta talk about my life. [ laughter ] so, that's all-- >> why don't you write about it? [ laughing ] >> that might be a good, um, catharsis story. >> i've done everything else. yeah, why don't i write about it? >> sure. >> or i could sing about it. or dance about it. no, i don't wanna do any o' those things. >> i think writing would be nice-- >> i, uh, y-- listen. you pay me a handsome sum here to come and talk about it, once every six months. >> oh, hardly-hardly handsome. i mean-- [ laughing ] not a handsome sum. >> depends on where you're livin' and what you're eatin'. >> yeah. today is handsome. >> yeah. where are-- where are you gonna eat, tonight, by-- or have you had your, uh, thanksgiving? >> i had my thanksgiving dinner, in, uh, the dressin' room. >> you're puttin' us on. >> same as i did last year. no, they brought me, uh, a turkey sandwich. >> did shirley send you in a turkey sandwich? >> mayonnaise, and so forth. i brought the kids, this year-- noah and deli. they shared it with me. >> isn't that nice? [ laughing ] yeah, well. >> that's cool. happy thanksgiving. >> you look like, uh, one of the ozzie nelson kids, with that hairdo. what, uh-- [ laughter ] >> you know, it's weird how it came out that way. >> it's a c-- it looks like a crewcut.

'cause i ain't workin'. and so, i got a scissors, and i cut it, and i got all done, and i looked, and i had a haircut like-- when i was a kid, my heroes looked like that. >> yeah. >> 'member when van johnson went off to war, and spencer tracey said goodbye to him, and he had a butch haircut-- >> yeah. >> and all them people looked like that? and i said, "gee, that's what i went and did." >> i like it. >> lookin' for all them people. yeah, right. anyway. for my next trick-- >> you did this, yourself? >> uh, yeah. well, when i'm not workin', uh, i don't like s people flivitting over my hair. >> yeah. >> and, uh-- so, i just put the dye on, and get outta the shower, and-- >> whaddya mean, you put the dye on? >> i been dyein' my hair, for-- since i was about 20 years old. >> i didn't know-- i didn't know that. >> well, when you had my kinda life, you get grey. [ chuckling ] [ laughter ] >> and only the good dye young. >> like i said, as many times as i was s'posed to die-- every one o' those times, i got a little greyer. >> what-- is your, uh, hair normally my color? >> was that way, when i was 20.

>> yeah. i don't happen to have one o' them charlton heston, abraham lincoln kinda faces, where i can play old people and let it go grey. and i ain't got no steady gig, like you, to let-- [ laughter ] so. >> are you saying i look like abraham lincoln? is that what you're saying? >> no. what i'm sayin' is you have one o' them little, kinda pooncy, young faces. and, if you was out there, lookin' for-- [ laughter ] >> gimme that, again. a poonchy, young face? [ chuckling ] >> what i'm saying is, if you was out there, lookin' for a gig, you'd be dyin' your hair. >> yeah, lemme tell ya what i did, when i was about 40. and it's when it started. and my dad's hair was grey, when he was about 37, 38. it runs in the family. it's genetic. i start to see it turn grey. and i started to put-- i'll be honest with you-- the clairol stuff in it. great day, or something like that. [ chuckling ] you go through all this, and then you put the cap on. you sit around, lookin' like a-- [ laughter ] ya know? and have to put it on for 20 minutes, and that-- but the trouble is, if you don't do it on a regular basis, the hair keeps kinda zipping in and out, and, sometimes, it's not quite the right color. the next time, it's a little greyer. and then, it would be a little blacker. and i finally said,

and let it go. >> well, you don't, uh-- see, i don't have a-a woman, right now, to complain about whichever color it is. i can go in the shower and come out and have the rainbow. it don't make no difference. >> yeah. [ laughter ] well, i can do that, too. >> i'm on the same program-- [ laughter ] what's that program you said? the fallow program? >> um, f-- >> i'm on that same program. >> you're in the-- in the fallow period. >> semen retention program. >> the way you feel, yes. [ chuckling ] oh, well... [ laughter ] >> one way to stay outta trouble. >> never-never-never heard o' that. [ laughing ] >> if you can't do nothin' >> "the retention program." i never-never heard it put that way. are you being ch-- are you being chased? is that what you're trying to say? >> uh. yeah. well, that's a kind of a religious expression, to which i don't know was applicable, under the circumstances. [ laughter ] well, you-- >> that sort of applies to a priest. mine is more like, ya know-- >> voluntary, uh-- >> yeah, just-- >> yeah. >> guy does a lotta walkin'. >> yeah. >> as long as ya don't-- don't' get on the phone, don't talk to nobody-- if they say hello, don't say hello back. sleep by yourself, stand by yourself.

don't do nothin' wrong. that's what i'm doin'. >> oh, what a f-- >> you tell me. i'm just rowin', you-- >> what a fun life! [ laughter ] what a-- what a fun-filled life. okay, we-- lemme take a break, and we'll come-- >> oh, great! no, i ain't got nothin' else! >> n-- oh, yes, ya do. we gotta sell something, here. and then, we'll come back. we'll delve into this. >> okay. [ applause ]

[ music ] [ applause ] >> shaughnessy, tearin' 'em up! [ cheering ] >> okay. >> lemme tell you somethin'. >> sure! why not? >> just-just very brief. before we get into my big, dynamic contract-- [ chuckling ] and the money i'm makin', and all that stuff. you talk about bein' thankful. >> yeah. >> this a-- this a kind of a, uh, uh, uh, spiritual experience. i've had things like this happen to me, all my life. ya know, i talk about somebody watchin' my store? >> right. >> there really is. i was-- you know, i'm cleanin' up, and makin' friends, and apologize, and gettin' all straight, and all like that. and i don't drink, and don't dope, and ev-- i was at the gym, the other day, right?

and, uh-- just tryna keep cool-- pushin' iron, and a bag, or whatever. and there was, like, very few people there. and, uh, this guy starts leanin' on me, out of the blue. "hey, baretta, where's your bird, man? [ mumbling ] say, weren't you little beaver? didn't you wear the feather hat?" and, all of a sudden, i was back on the school ground, when i was a kid. >> mmm-hmm. >> and they're takin' my pants off and, uh, makin' fun o' me, for bein' in "our gang" and "little beaver" and all that stuff. and i just-- and i knew... it was gonna happen. and it was nobody around, to stop me. there wasn't nobody coulda stopped me, anyway. >> you killed him. >> i was going to. [ laughter ] i knew i wasn't gonna hit him. >> yeah. >> 'cause i was lookin' at his throat. and i was thinkin', "wouldn't it be nice if i had his adam's apple in my hand?" i say, "say, jim, you can't talk no more. ha! ain't that funny?" [ some laughter ] and, inside me, i heard, "not this time, mickey." >> uh-huh.

that's my real name. >> i know that. >> and i heard it, inside. "not this time, mickey." it was like somethin' pulled me, from the back, and i backed away from this guy. and i didn't do it! >> hmm. >> somethin'-- it was like-- you know when you say there's somethin' that keeps you-- that makes you look up, when that car's comin' at you-- >> right. >> or that makes that thing happen. >> instinct, or whatever. >> i walked outta that gym, and i sat there for an hour, waitin' for that guy to come out, 'cause i'm still gonna kill him, out on the curb. >> only because he was... giving a little, uh-- >> well, when ya been where i been-- as i am, in the first place, and all them little kids been sayin, "ah, ain't you a sissy, 'cause you was in the movies? ah!" and all those times-- >> yeah. >> that-- it doesn't take all that much. >> we're all guilty of that, ya know. there's a wonderful book called-- that i read, some years ago, called "the child within us." which means that, even though you're an adult, very often, your emotions, as a child, still rule you, as an adult. >> well, you can just skip that part about being adult. >> and you'll-- and you'll revert to it, all of a sudden. >> oh, yeah! yeah, i revert, unless somebody's watchin' the store. now get on to the-- i just wanna say that, 'cause--

to be thankful for. >> well, that's good to know. >> and i'm just thankful somebody watches me, when i ain't watchin' me, 'cause i'd a' been dead, long gone, many times before. >> yeah. >> now, see? i got this gig. >> yeah. >> i just gotta tell you this, because this-- another thing to be thankful-- i got the best job i have ever had in my life. >> well, good. >> for two years, i am under contract, to columbia. and they payin' me $1100 jillion, a year-- >> yeah. >> for these two years, and i ain't done nothin'. [ some laughter ] i had one meeting, there about three or four months, and they're payin' me, i'm tellin' you, a ton! it's more'n i got on "baretta." and he-- i sat down at the big ol' table with him. he says, "now, look." i says, "okay, you're the boss. whaddya want me to do?" >> yeah. >> he says, "don't do nothin'." [ laughter ] he said, "only way you're gonna get in trouble with me is if you talk to anybody with a suit on." >> that's right. >> he said, "don't go near a network--" >> don't attack the executives. >> "don't answer the phone." >> right. >> "if jesus calls you, put 'im on hold." >> on-on hold. [ laughter ]

and, for three months, i don't even know what the boss looks like. i saw him, one time. if he was layin' there, dead, i wouldn't know what the hell he looks-- i know his name is herman. >> right. >> and he's cool. and that's my job. i'm goin' crazy! >> how long do have-- how long do you have to do this, now? >> two years! well, i mean, i know that they figured on-on-- you know, they're gonna make some'in' outta the deal. >> yeah. >> but-but i ain't got nothin' to do with it. >> that's-- >> and, like, there been people offerin' jobs, and i say, "say, herman! i'm gonna do this job," and, like, one of his henchmans comes down. they give me a big office. >> i don't think "henchmen" is the right word, there. you see, that's-- [ laughter ] this may be part of the problem, >> one of his assistants. >> one of his assistants. yeah. one o' them people. one of those assistants. yeah, i know those people. >> how's your love life, by the way? >> huh? >> how's your social life? >> my, uh-- well. i just-- like i said, i should go to bakersfield and find some trucker's widow, livin' in a trailer, with two kids. i-i just-- i don't know, man. i ain't doin'-- i go to beverly hills and rodeo drive and-- you know-- [ laughing ] see-- on rodeo drive,

>> yeah. >> male or female. they're all 25 years old and all beautiful. >> right. >> they had this fixed and that fixed and this moved. they had their spirit worked on, their soul-- everything! you don't know what you-- i mean, you kissin' some beautiful lady, and she says, "call me bill." you don't even know, because... [ laughter ] noah's walkin' down the street with me the other day. >> yeah. >> i gotta give you one line, that i love more than life. we were walkin' down the street, watchin' all these people, and they're all beautiful. and, as c and they go waarghh. >> just-- >> and they go by ya. he says, "dad, you know, rodeo drive has got some of the most beautiful ugly people in the world." [ laughter ] >> they're all-- so, i d-- ya know, i'm s-- >> yeah. >> i go out with 'em, and i say, "hello. how are ya?" and i'm outta gas, man. i don't know where to go from there. >> well-- >> that's all right. some-- >> nice to know that things haven't changed, too much. [ laughing ] >> we got-- we gotta take a break? all right. we'll take a break. we'll be right back. stay where ya are. >> wanna introduce me

[ music ]

okay, we have somebody, uh, new, for ya to meet this evening. uh. this young man is a young impressionist, from toronto-- and a little bit different. and he's gonna be starring in a new series, for nbc, this january, called "the duck factory." he's also been in hollywood, about-bout 10 months and created quite a bit of excitement. this is his first appearance on american television. would you welcome jim carrey? jim? [ music ] [ applause ] >> hello! my name is jim carrey. i'd like to do some impressions for ya, tonight. if you'll just give me a minute. [ chuckling ] [ laughter ]

[ imitating elvis presley ] thank you, very much, ma'am. ladies and gentlemen, [ exhaling ] [ laughter ] i think it was about... 30 years ago, today... i was attacked, by a dog. i was standin' in the street, screamin', tryna get the vicious dog off my leg. [ laughter ]

it would ever lead... to this. [ music ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] [ applause ] [ breathing heavily ] i... was... him! [ chuckling ] [ laughter ] you know, i think i've probably spent my entire life, staring in the mirror.

i've been staring at... leonid brezhnev! [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] jack nicholson! [ laughter ] [ applause ] bruce dern. [ applause ] clint eastwood. [ laughter ] [ applause ] charles bronson.

[ applause ] michael landon smiling. [ laughter ] [ applause ] james dean. [ laughter ] [ applause ] e. t., the extraterrestrial. [ laughter ] >> yay, e.t.!

[ screaming ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] charles nelson reilly, the extraterrestrial. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and my favorite, my three sons. [ applause ] [ speaking with british accent ] charlie... charlie robby... chip-chop, charlie robby. [ laughter ] steve! these kids are

[ applause ] ernie! take tramp outside! oh, okay, uncle charlie. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ chuckling ] [ imitating kermit the frog ] kermit the frog, here, uh... thank you, uh. it's great to be here. [ laughter ] i'd like to sing a song that, uh, came out in 1979. it was a big, big hit, for me. and, here to sing it with me, let's hear it for that

miss piggy! [ yelling ] [ applause ] [ imitating miss piggy ] no, kermie. my love! my beloved kermie! you mean toi et moi... [ laughter ] are going to sing a song together? [ growling ] [ laughter ] no. [ applause ] thank you, very much! >> jim carrey! [ cheering ]

[ music ] [ applause ] okay, we are back. bud greenspan is here, tonight. he has been named the, uh, producer-director

in los angeles. would you welcome, please, bud greenspan? bud? [ applause ] [ music ] how ya feelin'? >> in good shape. looking forward to the summer. looking forward to the naming of the heisman winner, next week. >> that's right, you're workin' on that, aren't ya? >> yeah. it's, uh-- goes on, december 3rd, we'll know. it might be a nebraska person, john. >> could very well be mike rozier, couldn't it? >> yeah. >> yeah. >> rozier, or turner gill, or... >> good-- >> you always show up with some kinda interesting film, and we're gonna have to tonight, because we got a little bit behind. um, does this need any setup, or just tell us what's-- >> well, really, uh, d-- uh, in doing the heisman film-- >> right. >> we know all about the great ones that, uh, made it. >> right. >> now, we're gonna show ya all the film o' those who didn't make it. >> one o' these, huh? >> yeah, it's one o' these situations, so-- >> okay, watch the monitor. in the studio. >> and, uh-- >> and you can-- here it is, right up here. >> the first one is, uh-- [ chuckling ] uh, a defensive back, who, uh, really didn't make it. >> ooh, ooh! [ some laughter ] >> a lotta people, uh-- a lotta people, john, think that i'm at the game. [ some laughter ] [ chuckling ] >> they-- lotta people

[ laughter ] y-yes, there you are, right there, bud. [ laughing ] >> yeah, but, uh, i've had an operation, since then. >> you had that trimmed off, didn't ya? >> that's why the glasses are on my head, as you can-- >> wh-what's happened, here? >> uh, this is to show that the referee-- that i'm really in bounds, and he does in very slow motion. >> oh! >> now, here's a guy that got angry at his team, in the last play. and watch what happens with a quarterback that gets angry at his team. >> nobody else has moved! >> they-they don't play for him. [ some laughter ] now-- [ clearing throat ] >> that's funny. [ laughter ] >> now, a lotta guys have, at the officials. and this is the way one gets back at an official. right here, in the end zone. >> ooh! [ laughter ] [ laughing ] >> now, the next one is when a extra point is missed, but the father, uh-- your father is the referee. [ laughter ] [ laughing ] that's wonderful. >> so. so, uh-- [ applause ] you know, uh, john, um, uh, i-i like to collect film. >> right. >> i was able to collect the oldest film of football--

in the year 8000 bc. >> okay. >> yeah. >> this is how far back it goes. >> the goths and the visigoths. it's-- >> the goths and the visigoths. >> you'll notice that the uniforms are basically the same. >> the original football game. >> the, uh-- the original super bowl. [ laughter ] [ laughing ] >> you're talkin' about pigskin! [ laughing ] >> and y-ya noti-- y-- ya notice the, uh-- the uniforms are the same as today. and this is the original pig. you see, they've just embellished it, quite a bit. in those days, there were no agents, you see. once you were out, you were out. [ chuckling ] >> you didn't have to renegotiate the contract, thxt >> now, uh, things have not changed, very much, as you see. they just are wearing pants, now. >> oh, this looks like d-d-detroit game, today, what they did to, uh-- >> uh, yeah, well-- >> what they did to the redskins. >> there was no negotiations of contracts. there's no-- >> handoff-- handing off a pig. [ laughter ] loose ball! >> now, today, they have, uh-- they've embellished the thing, a little bit. they cooked the pig, and it's now-- >> yeah. >> a pigskin, you see. >> uh-oh. >> they-- but the same thing happens. >> oh, here we go. here we go.

>> look at that! [ laughter ] [ laughing ] >> so, anyway, that's-that's the 8000 years of professional football. >> where're we, back here, now? >> now, here is what happens, when people get too excited, with a guy going for a touchdown. here's dicky meagle, going for a touchdown. and watch what happens, now. >> uh-oh, uh-oh! off the bench! >> that happened, in the year 1954. >> he came off the bench! >> and-- yeah, and the-they warranted him a touchdown. but, just to show you that things never change, 30 years later, just two weeks ago-- oh this is it, in slow motion. >> look at that! >> same thing, in slot >> he-- >> but, uh-- >> he wanted to stop that touchdown. >> yeah, well, they awarded him a touchdown-- now, just two weeks ago, the same thing happened-- >> right. >> in the game with grambling. >> okay. >> and you'll see this fella, running back a kick, and he's gonna come up the sideline. now, here he goes, now. whack! >> m-- good-- [ laughter ] oh, that's funny! >> isn't that-- well-- >> i guess they really think nobody's gonna notice that. >> well, um. >> watch-watch this. right off of the bench... [ chuckling ] comes this guy.

[ applause ] >> so-- >> now, what do they do? they have to award a touchdown? [ cheering ] >> so, as you can see-- >> nothing changes. >> nothing ever changes.

[ music ] [ applause ] we are back. we just have a few seconds to thank everybody. good luck on the olympics this year. >> thanks for having me. >> have a nice night. thank you. [ applause ]

? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? three's company, too ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ?

okay, there. it's all fixed now. herd of wild elephants couldn't break through that door now. hi, everybody. well, what do you have to say about that?

come on, mr. furley. mr. furley, what are you going to do now? now? i'm going over to 208. mrs. simpson's all stopped up. oh, i mean, her drain. what about our lock? well, i'll be back. what about the light by the door? that's been broken for a month. really, mr. furley we could use some light. you want light? here's a candle. you have to do more than this. you want a match? mr. furley, this whole place is falling apart. yeah. the plaster's coming down in the bathroom. look at my carpet. and over here, we have a kitchen door which is literally falling off the hinges. what do you have to say about that? gee, this place is in better shape than i thought. come on, mr. furley even when you do fix something it never stays fixed. well, that's not my fault. my brother bart never gives me enough money to fix anything right.

because he's scared of him. i am not. oh, yes, you are. i complain all the time. you should see some of the letters i've written. i've told him what a cheapskate i really think he is. i've called him every name in the book. you told him off in those letters? darn right i did. if he doesn't shape up, i'll start mailing them. boy, he's really scared of his brother, isn't he? yeah, but i'm not. i'm trying to get some action around here. let's see. fuller, fullman... furley. jack, come on you're not going to call bart furley, are you? janet, you've got to learn one thing. you don't get anything in this life unless you ask for it. hello? i'd like to speak to mr. furley, please. if you see something you want you've got to go out there and grab it. nothing is going to be handed to you on a silver platter.

tell him, cindy. is this mr. furley? bart furley? tell him, janet. hi... there. um... uh, hi, mr. furley. i'm one of the tenants who lives in the building that your brother manages. and, um... okay, look, he says that he can't fix anything around here 'cause you don't give him enough money to fix it. what? you will? oh, thank you. sure. bye. well, what did he say? he said he was going to take care of it right away. you see now, janet? you don't get anything in life without asking for it. you're asking for it.

we can't say anything. why can't we say anything? then he would know we called his brother. but what do we say? we just don't say anything. he'll tell us, and then we'll act surprised. oh, good. i'm good at that. ( doorbell ringing ) oh, i'll get it. look at this. mr. furley, what a surprise. i just got a phone call from my brother bart. wowie. what another surprise. he told me i was fired. fired? why? one of the tenants called him and complained about me. he didn't tell you which tenant, did he? no, but i know. y-y-you do? yeah. mrs. simpson in 208. she hates me. no, mr. furley, it wasn't mrs. simpson. it wasn't? how do you know? because it was probably mrs. adams in 206. she hates you even more. what am i going to do now? oh, don't worry, mr. furley.

where? i'm all out of brothers. that's not the worst of it. what does that mean, mr. furley? well, you see, my apartment went with the job. now i've got no place to live. your brother'll let you stay until you find another job. he's already got someone on his way over here to change the locks. you can always stay at a motel. a motel, sure. i've got enough money saved to last me the rest of my life... if i die tomorrow. we'd let you spend the night here, but... thank you. oh, that means so much to me. n-n-no. no, no, no. uh-uh, no. um, you see, mr. furley the reason you couldn't is that there wouldn't be anywhere for you to sleep except this crummy, lumpy couch. oh, but i love lumps. i'm a lump lover. uh, see, mr. furley... aw, you are such great friends.

i'd better start packing. well... okay, all right. all right, it's just for one night. don't you worry. i should be on my feet within a couple of months. a couple of months? no. what's that, you say? charlie, you mean they're complaining about having to work seven days a week? well, i'll tell you what. tell you what-- you tell them i'm going to give them all a day off as soon as there are eight days a week. what is it, sickle? a mr. tripper. about your apartment in santa monica. he's probably here for the manager's job. send him in. mr. tripper? glad to meet you. don't get up. i am up. i'm a very, very busy man. yes, sir. i'll make this short. i mean... no, no. i mean, i'll get to why i'm here. i know why you're here.

sit down, flipper. uh, tripper. just sit down. see, the... you comfy? comfy. thanks. it's nice. manager's job is a cinch. any idiot can do it. yeah, i knew the last idiot. i mean, the, uh... the last manager, your brother ralph. you a friend of his? uh, well... sort of, but if-if he ever found out that i came to see you about this he would never forgive me. so you're sneaking around behind his back. i like that. hang on a second. that's not, uh...

no. uh, excuse me. about your brother... about my brother do you know what he's good for? no. neither do i. sir, he can't be that bad. he's worse. every job ralph has had, i've given him. that's very big of you. well, i mean, that's very generous. all he ever has to do is collect the rent turn a couple of screws and keep an eye on the place. does that sound too difficult to you? well, no. good. you're hired. 't come here about the job. i came to talk about your brother and the importance of your own family. ( phone buzzing ) sit down, zipper. uh... hello. yes, i'll take the call. ow! oh, it's you again, is it?! how many times do i have to tell you i did not get rich by giving handouts to every tom, dick and harry that comes to me with a sob story like yours. oh, stop blubbering. you'll get it, but i'm telling you

i love you, too. now, you were saying? uh, forget it.

you're what?! you're the new manager? i know it sounds bad, but... well, you haven't met bart furley. it's the only way you can talk to him. he's very... and just what are you planning on serving mr. furley for dinner tonight-- eggs benedict arnold? look, i did it for furley's sake. oh, and he's going to be so grateful. if he hadn't hired me he would have hired somebody else. then furley would never get his old job back. i can't wait for you to tell mr. furley that. ( doorbell ringing ) i will, the first chance i get.

hi, roomies. i don't want to be a bother. i'll put all this away myself. no, but, mr. furley... all right, if you insist you can hang these suits up for me. jack... look, mr. furley... i know, janet-- equal rights for women, right? would you just run an iron over that shirt for me? mr. furley... i need it tonight. i don't want to look like a slob when i sit down to dinner with you kids. mr. furley... oh, cindy, i didn't mean to leave you out. here you go. put that away. i'll be right back. wait a minute. ( jack gasps ) bad toe. bad toe. why didn't you say anything, jack? i had to hang up the man's suits. oh, jack! tell him. tell him now, jack. here's a little gift for you. a token of my appreciation.

oh, don't thank me. let me hang it for you. brighten up the room. mr. furley, jack has something that he wants to tell you. i have something for jack, too. that's a list of the things i can't eat. i just blow up like a balloon. i get great big red blotches all over. never mind. i'll tell him myself. tell me what? uh... i don't really know how to say this. well, come on, you can say anything you want. if it wasn't for you kids, i'd be out in the street. ... honest, you're my best friends. it's about your sleeping on the sofa... as a matter of fact, you're the only friends i have. now, what about the sofa? it's too lumpy. you can have jack's room. janet, tell him the fish has got to go. come on, mr. furley. would you hurry it up a little?

ouch your banana cream pie. cindy, did you eat this pie? what pie? the one i made especially for joanie wells. she said she'd give anything for one of my banana cream pies. i've seen joanie wells, jack. she doesn't have that much to give. meow! oh, it's just a joke. okay, janet the bathroom's all yours. you could have fooled me. morning, jack. oh, i love that pie. you-you ate my pie? t is a little soggy, but otherwise... very good. there is no hot water. gee, that's funny-- there was plenty when i took my shower. love this fish. how long has that man been living here, jack? a month, two? a day and a half. he's driving me crazy. yeah, he used up all my eye shadow.

you have got to do something about him, jack. janet, i can't just throw him out. ? ...coming 'round the mountain when she comes... ? let's throw him out. ? ...'round the mountain when she comes... ? mr. furley... you didn't know i could play, did you? i'm going to sing you a little song that i wrote especially for this cute little nurse i used to date. jack: mr. furley... ? fever! ? ? she gave me fever ? ? when that chick walked into the room ? ? i could feel my temperature zoom ? ? fever ? ? she gave me fever ? ? ba-ba-ba-ba fever, fever, fever... ? mr. fever... mr. furley, can i ask you something? you name it, i'll play it. no, we wouldn't want to do that. ( sputtering ) what jack is trying to say is that... well, that... we... that... oh, mr. furley wouldn't you like to get another job? no. the only job i want is the one i had--

i'll tell you something else. my brother bart will have to look long and hard to find somebody to replace me. ( phone ringing ) i'll get it. a person of my experience. boy, you just wait. sooner or later he's going to come crawling on his hands and knees begging me to take that job back. hello? oh, yeah, he's right here. it's your brother bart. what did i tell you, huh? what did i tell you? this. give me that. okay, bart baby, start crawling. it was just a little joke, bart. bart, see, i'm here with friends. i was kid-kidding around... what? i should give the keys to the new manager? what new manager? jack tripper?! well, hang on a second.

yeah, jack didn't mean to stab you in the back. excuse me, cindy-- why don't you leave a wake-up call? let me handle this, okay? now, mr. furley... look, i don't want your job. i want you to have your job back, you see... mr. furley? mr. furley, where are you going? i'm going to apply for social security. but you can't collect that till you're 65. i'll get in line and wait. no, no, mr. furley, please. to give you your job back? he won't do that. once my brother makes up his mind, he never changes it. never? never... twice. twice? when we were little kids my brother grabbed my little orphan annie spy ring from me. he wouldn't give it back till i chased him into an elevator. what happened then? well, the elevator got stuck between floors and he got so scared, he gave the ring back to me. well, see? your brother can change his mind.

death. that's when i found out he was suffering from closet-phobia. you mean claustrophobia? that, too. anyway, ever since then he's been petrified of elevators. you said he had changed his mind twice. what was the other time? when we got out of the elevator he took my spy ring back again. oh, there, there, mr. furley. don't feel bad. we'll find you another spy ring. hey, wait a second. you just gave me an idea. e your brother. oh, forget it. he won't have the ring anymore. forget little orphan annie. i've got an idea to get your job back. listen, listen, listen. here's what we're going to do. hey, jack, how long do we have to do this? my arms are getting tired. just until bart leaves his office which should be any minute now.

what are you doing? reading the funnies. cindy, you want to trade with me? these want ads are depressing. wait, you're not supposed to be reading. you're supposed to be hiding. here he comes now. janet, get the button. here we go. excuse me. going down? what are you doing here, zipper? tripper. and i've come to tell you i'm resigning as manager from your apartment building. and as tenants we want you to hire your brother back. why don't you ask me for something easy like a free month's rent.

which will be right after i play center for the harlem globetrotters! okay, then, you leave us no choice. what do you have to say now? about what? about the elevator being stuck between floors. we're trapped, you know? feels like the walls are closing in, doesn't it? what are you doing here? don't change the subject. it's getting hard to breathe in here, isn't it? why? because you're scared to death of elevators. not anymore i'm not. you-you-you're not? no. ever since i went to a shrink. he told me to buy my own elevator. so i bought the building. you mean, you're cured? yeah. you and your stupid ideas. i told you it wouldn't work. bart, i'm sorry. they put me up to it. shut up, you snivelling coward. all right, gapper, open this door. everybody off the elevator.

i'm sorry. i think we're really stuck. stuck? stuck?! it can't be! no! it feels like the walls are closing in! i got to get out of here! i can't stand closed places! there's a trap door at the top. quick, boost me up. up, up, up... down, down, down. i can't stand heights either. mr. furley, now relax. relax? sure, it's easy for you to say. ed in an elevator. help! help! will you get ahold of yourself you spineless jellyfish! hey, you can't talk to him like that. that's right. he may be spineless, but he's our friend. mr. furley, another... can it, topper. topper? everybody out of this elevator and then i want every one of you out of my apartment, understand? what?! you can't throw us out. who's going to stop me?

you? ( cackling ) that's right. you can pick on me, but you can't pick on my friends. what? shut up, shorty! so help me, if you throw them out i'll have the housing commission down on you so fast you won't know what happened. you wouldn't. oh, yes, i would. listen, ralphie... i'll tell them about the 20 health violations and the 30 safety violations. ralphie, wait... no, you wait, weasel. it will cost you plenty. fines... no. lawyers, plumbers... oh, no. unions. not unions! money, money, money. what do you say to that? oh, ralphie, have mercy. we have the same mother. it's not my fault. ralphie, ralphie, old sock this is just a big misunderstanding. if you want these wonderful kids

what about mr. furley's job? if i'd of known that he wanted it so bad

i want a raise. don't push it, ralph. hey, we're moving. mr. furley, congratulations on getting your job back. now you can move back into your own apartment. yeah, but you know, we'll miss you. no, you won't. well, how can you...? iss him? of course. of course. how can you say we won't miss you? because i'm having my apartment repainted. i think we're going to be roomies

? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? three's company, too ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ?

janet, i'm just tired. i've been working a swing shift all week. i know, jack. first you were swinging with barbara allen

i haven't been swinging with anyone. all i've been doing is working day and night at that sleazy little coffee shop, remember? okay, jack, but you remember, we live here, too. how can i forget? well, really! ( doorbell ringing ) will you get that, janet? why can't you, jack? i mean, really. all you have to do is walk over to the door stick out your little hand, twist the knob and open it up. now, you tell me. is it all that difficult? i don't know. let me see if i got that straight. you just walked over to the door, stuck out your little hand, twisted the knob and opened it up? jack! i'm sorry, larry. cindy, do you want to take a crack at this? i'm glad to see you. i could use a true friend. jack, come on. how would you like to be awakened in the middle of the night by these two?

larry, let me ask you a real question. how would you like to be sharing an apartment with a great big, fat pain in the neck? trouble in the house of love? i can't believe it. believe it. yeah. believe it. jack, you... oh! what are you doing? following you. get ahead of me. and another thing, jack, of all the roommates, i got... why did you come back? to say i was sorry i bumped into you. kitchen! oh, cindy, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i snapped at you. good heavens, it's just jack. you know, i have never seen him behave like this. well, janet, let's face it. three people crowded into an apartment-- we're getting on each other's nerves.

calm down. i've never seen you like this. you don't know what's it's like here. you've never lived with two girls. don't rub it in. i do all the shopping, all the cooking but what bugs me the most is they take me for granted. move out for a while. move out? teach them a lesson. yeah. no. i couldn't. those two would be lost without me. that's just my point, buddy. make them sorry they don't appreciate you. 'd be sorry, all right-- when they see me sleeping on a park bench. what? no money? not to worry. i think i can help you. you'll lend me some money? what, are you crazy? i just meant you could stay at my place. well, where would you stay? what difference? i'll stay at the y.m.c.a. or, uh... hey, i just got a flash. i could stay in your room. wha...? what?

oh, really? not in a million years. hey, it never hurts to ask. no. hey, lar, save your breath. janet, cindy, we've got to do something. our little pal out there is about this close to having a nervous breakdown. yeah. yeah. he really needs to get away. no. do you really think so? oh, yeah, larry. we were just trying to decide where he could go. hey, wait a minute. if you're thinking about my apartment, forget it. what a wonderful idea. i'd say yes in a minute, but where would i stay? you could sleep in your car. good. i'll get my things. my car? no, janet. we can't do that. larry's just going to have to move down here with us. down here? nah, i couldn't. you're right. not a chance. okay, janet, but don't blame me when they come to fit jack

( groans ) okay, you can stay down here, but one false move, larry... oh, janet. we have another problem. i know. jack, right? he is never going to accept the fact that we can manage without him. he'll never go for this. hey, it never hurts to ask. jack? i'm glad to see you're still in one piece. start packing. huh? they love the idea. they love...? it's all settled. it is? start packing. if mr. furley finds out you're staying here he'll throw us all out. who's going to tell him? cindy...? i'll get your suitcase. janet...? i'll get your toothbrush. larry, look... i'll go get my things. ( squeals ) ( squeals )

janet? cindy? hi... oh, michelle. hi. uh... no. larry's not here but, uh, if there's anything i can do, i'm free. hello, michelle? michelle? ( knocking ) janet, i knew you couldn't... couldn't be janet 'cause you're mr. furley. i'll buy that. what are you doing here, jack? oh, uh, i-i-i-i'm waiting for larry. what are you doing here? i'm here to fix the ceiling. larry told me it was leaking. when you see larry, tell him i fixed it. wait a second. you didn't do anything. it's not leaking, is it? but it's not raining now. that's not my fault. mr. furley, i'll tell him when i see him. he'll probably be back very soon. i don't think so. when i saw him earlier, he told me he had a couple of chicks stashed away someplace. what? i never saw larry look happier.

okay, okay. i get the point. he was grinning like the cat that swallowed the canary. thank you, mr. furley. ( phone ringing ) larry's. hi, janet! or, uh... hey, janet, what's happening? yeah, listen, i'd love to chat, but i'm... what? you need me? i'll be right down. all right! okay, everybody. i just talked to jack and he's going to come right down. now, cindy, remember, we don't want jack to be worrying about us, so act like you're enjoying larry's company. cindy: right. what do you mean, act? ( doorbell ringing ) i'll get it. ( giggling ) what do you mean, act? hi, jack.

cindy. right, right. yeah. the little one said you needed me. she's in the kitchen with larry. oh, don't tell me. let me guess. they're having trouble opening up a can of beans. relax. the master's here. rack of lamb? larry sent out for it. nothing's too good for my roomies. what do you need me for? dessert. dessert? no, jack, no. we just need more room in the freezer for the baked alaska that larry bought. oh, that's right. hey, buddy, would you mind storing your meatballs in my freezer? thanks, pal. i appreciate it. oh, sure. yeah. how's it going, jack? fine. great. wonderful, wonderful. in fact, i really don't have that much time to chat. well, we don't want to keep you. well, maybe a minute or two. you ever seen anything like that?

see if there's a stool in here. mmm, it's delicious. well, how was your day, larry? oh, not too bad. i only had one customer. that's terrible. this guy wanders onto the lot looking for something cheap he can take to the beach with the top down. so what did he end up with? my secretary. ( laughing ) oh, larry's so funny. he keeps us laughing all the time. i used to say some pretty humorous things... and you know what else? he fit right in. it's like he's been living here all the time. well, actually, i... well, you know why? that's because you and cindy are such wonderful roommates. i know what you mean. we were always close. what's this? well, i was going to save it for later but, hey, why wait to say thank you. cindy: a bottle of perfume. larry, that's so sweet.

it's nothing. and janet? hmm? got a little something for you, too. what is it? oh, larry, a ticket to the ballet. i've been dying to go. uh-huh. you can go tonight. well, thank you. that's really so sweet of you. you're welcome. wow, what a dinner-- presents and everything. really. jack, would you like to join us? larry bought plenty. oh, no. hey, i... i better skedaddle. i've got something very tasty waiting for me upstairs, if you know what i mean. you devil.

you look like you just lost your last friend. both of them.

mr. furley, i'd really rather not talk about it now if you don't mind, okay? hey, all kidding aside, don't be so depressed, jack not on a beautiful night like this. the moon is bright. there's a smell of jasmine in the air. listen, you're young. you've got your whole career ahead of you. you've got a family that loves you. look at me. i've got none of those things but am i unhappy? you're darn right i am. 's not fair! i'm on my way. have a good time. thank you. janet, i miss jack. i know, cindy. me, too. janet, you got a screwdriver around here? yeah. the top drawer right by the fridge. have a wonderful time at the ballet tonight. thanks again. larry's going to try and fix my antique clock. watch out. he fixed our blender one time.

what? oh, i forgot my ticket. ( crying ) mr. furley, hey, hey, don't feel bad. what have i got to feel good about? well... look at you. you've got... you've got... isn't the moon bright tonight? there's a smell of jasmine in the air. that's not jasmine. that's our garbage. it's too late for me, jack now, you straighten things out with cindy and janet. well, maybe later. not later, now. friends are just too hard to come by. i ought to know. i don't have any. ( furley crying ) oh, janet, janet. janet... hi, jack. listen, uh, i've got to talk to you and cindy right now. it'll have to be cindy. i'm already late.

what's wrong with it? the bell doesn't work. i think i can fix it. larry, maybe you shouldn't do it. come on, cindy, what's the sense of having it if you can't use it? hey, watch those hands. would you relax? i'll have your bell ringing in no time. larry, you get your hands off her... clock. clock? you want to fix it? uh... no, thanks, pal. i got enough time on my hands. get it? time on my hands. speaking of time, look at how late i am. jack. no, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to... i've got people to see and places to go. bye. i'll see you later. jack's been acting so strange. larry, maybe i should go after him.

now that we're all alone i think we both could use a little bit of unwinding. maybe you're right. i'll slip into something more comfortable. thank you! ( humming ) ta-dah! aah. oh, cindy, where are you?

good night. see you in the morning. what? think, larry, think. ? happy birthday to me ? ? happy birthday to me ? ? happy birthday, dear larry ? ? happy birthday... ? oh, larry, it's your birthday. you found out. why didn't you tell us? well, i didn't want to disturb anybody's plans i'd celebrate without troubling anybody. by myself. alone. oh, larry, no. then you'll join me in a glass of champagne? do you think there's enough room? oh, i'm sorry. that's all right. there's still some left here. here we go. all right.

how would you like a special surprise? try me. ( squeals ) give me an "h" and an "a" and a "p-p-y" a happy birthday to our guy. yay, larry! well, good night. wait one second there. is that all i get for my birthday? oh, of course not. and a "t" and a "e" and a "a" and a "m." yay, team! larry! larry! he's my guy! whoo! whoo! whoo! choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo...

the end of the line. don't you like my cheers? i love them. 85 cheers, my, my. you must be thirsty. why don't you sit down, cindy? have some more champagne, all right, hon? i don't know if i should. too much champagne makes me... drink up. makes you what? ( hiccups ) hiccup. ( hiccups ) i'm sorry. it's okay. i think i know what will help, however. you do? yes. what you do is take a deep breath. hold it for as long as you possibly can. that's great. i'm going to bed. thanks for the shower.

hi, cindy. hi, mr. furley. where's jack? i got something that'll help him. jack. he's.. he... he's not here. ( door closes ) then who's that? uh, janet. hello, everybody. who's this? janet. then who's in the bedroom? jack. i thought you said janet was in the bedroom. i thought you said that. ( hiccups ) what? ( hiccupping ) i'm sorry, mr. furley. i have the hiccups. i need some water. now, that can be a very serious disorder. here. put this over your head and breathe deeply like this. i'll show you. just breathe in and out. be careful not to hyperventilate... or you'll...

oh, what happened? he was curing my hiccups. oh, uh, hi, mr. furley. oh, my, jack i hope we didn't wake you. jack, you're just the guy i was looking for. i was getting into bed. i've got something i want to read and it wouldn't hurt you girls to listen, either. "what is a friend? "a friend is there through thick and thin "a friend is someone who never butts in... hey, hey, what's going on here? uh-oh. you were just getting into bed? well, no, no. oh. oh! oh, mr, furley, i just can't believe

ashamed of yourself. what?! all this time i thought i was renting from a very decent-minded man. i can't believe you're thinking what you're thinking. how do you know what i'm thinking? 'cause it's written all over your face. i can hardly look. shame on you. shame on you. shame on you. i came here to drop off a book. i didn't see anything. i couldn't see anything even if i wanted to. i'm nearsighted. come to think of it my ears aren't that good, either. what? now, i'm leaving.

well, uh, if you won't be needing me for anything else, i'd better be going. yeah. uh, jack? yeah? uh... good night. yeah. good night. night. jack. i don't want to go. we don't want you to go. well, then, why didn't you say so? why didn't you say so? well, it seemed like you were having such a good time with larry. oh, jack, sometimes you can be so dumb. cindy, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. welcome home. we really missed you. oh, well, i really missed you. well, gosh, now that that's all settled

janet, janet. what? what about larry? it's so late. let's worry about him in the morning. good idea. you said you missed me. you missed me. three's company was videotaped in front of a stud a audience.

no, really. i did. you're just making excuses because you missed an easy shot. i chose not to hit the golf ball in the giant clown's mouth because i didn't want to cause internal injuries. i had a great time tonight, sabrina. me, too. harvey, you're doing it again. sorry. i was just wondering where you're at with the me-or-dashiell-my-short- life-will-come-to-an-abrupt-end if-you-don't- pick-me-situation? i just haven't made up my mind yet. oh! dashiell! um, oh, you got a delivery job at the florist who has keys to our house. for you. so, who's it going to be? me? or, uh... i'm sorry, i forgot your name. i know you guys want a decision. you've been patient. it's just that i'm...