[ ringing ] hello? oh, hi, larry. morning, samantha. has darrin left yet? he left at 5:00 this morning. oh. driving up to bridgeport to take care of that account for you. why? i was hoping to catch him before he left. it's that new client, mr. morgan, our prize headache. oh, yes. i've heard about him. thanks, anyway, sam. oh, you're welcome, larry. bye-bye. well, what was all that about? it's just that darrin's firm has a new client that's been giving them trouble. seems he's some sort of a tyrant. acts as though he's still living in the victorian age. oh, now, don't you say anything against the victorian age. i loved it. those were the days.

to queen victoria? really? i didn't know that! no, you and your mother were in tibet at the time. i just had an urge to rub elbows with royalty. [ chuckles ] and the more i think of it, the more i like the idea. what idea? to go back to the victorian age. well, now, aunt clara, do you really think that's wise? i-i mean unless you're absolutely sure i wouldn't want you to end up in the wrong century. now, don't you worry about me. oh, i still have a lot on the ball. now, watch. eye of newt... leg of spider... queen victoria, tallyho. i cast my spell, and off i go. we don't know where we are,

well, what does a lady-in-waiting do? when the bell rings, you run like crazy. [ ringing continues ] your majesty... i'm clara. your lady-in-waiting. clara? we don't recall the name, but the face is vaguely familiar. your majesty always said i was the vaguest person clara, we -- clara, your limbs are showing! oh, yes. well, they are sticking out, aren't they, madam? you wouldn't dare set foot out of the palace like that, yet you have the audacity, the temerity -- your majesty -- we do not speak until we are spoken to. well, i-i'm sorry, your majesty.

niece? you look more like a nephew. mr. morgan. good to see you again. if i'd known you were coming in a day earlier -- if you'd known when i was coming in, you'd know as much about my business as i do. yes, but mr. stephens is in charge of your account, and he won't be back until -- i'm the one who's in charge of my account. the trouble with you advertising men is that you don't have any initiative. i pay you to work out a campaign, and then i have to do all the work myself. what's this? these are the layouts that mr. stephens has been working on. now, if you'll notice the way we worked the trade name in -- don't talk when i'm thinking. and don't turn your back on me. pay attention. i am paying attention, mr. morgan. i asked you not to talk while i'm trying to think. mr. morgan, i'm sure you're not paying us all this money to remain silent.

the blind leading the blind. mr. morgan, i hope you know -- uh-uh-uh-uh. we're talking again. i can't help it. i can't remain silent. mr. morgan, we're trying very hard to modernize -- we're not angry with you. it's just that i'm always hoping that someday i'll find someone who can do something without my assistance. it's the same in my factory. there isn't a man in it who can do anything without my assistance. when did you say this stephens will be back? i talked to his wife earlier, and she said -- i'd like to meet his wife. i judge a man by the wife he selects. if she'd like to have us for cocktails, i drink martinis. man: meanwhile, as the northern states shivered in a near-record cold wave, southern californians flocked to the beaches in temperatures ranging in the high 80s. oh, aunt clara, isn't it marvelous

royalty could not indulge in the luxury of surprise. surfing conditions were excellent, and the unusually warm weather produced more than its share of bikini-clad sun worshippers showing off the latest fashions. has neither one of you the decency to faint? ohh! [ grunts ] come, clara! [ stammering ] [ coughs ] we are not amused. [ doorbell rings ] [ glass crunches ]

hi. i didn't expect you. uh, it's one of those unexpected days. here's your paper. you came all the way out from the city just to bring my paper? uh... samantha, i have a great favor to ask. couldn't you have phoned? i was afraid you'd say no. this way i can get down on my knees. [ laughs ] what is it? it's mr. morgan. oh, the terrible tiger. could you invite him to cocktails? i-i realize it's a terrible imposition, but -- you know darrin isn't here. couldn't you -- but he wants to meet you. me? he judges men by their wives. larry, if there's anything i could do to help, i'd -- what's...that? uh...

and what happened to your television set? uh... this way, your majesty. [ glass crunching ] what the... shh! we do not speak until we are spoken to. [ glass crunches ] her majesty expresses her appreciation, your bringing her the evening paper. [ crunching ] an aunt of mine. thinks she's queen victoria. i knew you had one peculiar aunt, but, uh... two. they try to outdo each other. sort of friendly competition.

a million dollars. would it be asking too much of you to, uh, keep the...royalty out of sight while mr. morgan is here? oh, yes, larry. i understand. good. well, uh, then i'll see you at 5:00 with mr. morgan for cocktails. good, larry. bye-bye. [ sighs ] clara: good news! i hope so. she likes your bedroom. oh, that's nice. she feels the same about the 20th century as i do. now we're gonna get some action. i hope not. what are we, victoria regina, queen of the united kingdom of great britain and ireland, empress of india, what are we doing in the 20th century?

in straightening things out. oh! we accept the divine right of kings as a divine responsibility and duty! clara, fetch us pen and paper. we shall begin

oh, uh, another martini, mr. morgan? why, thank you, mrs. stephens. of working with you. well, he should be. he'll have the benefit of all my years of experience. her majesty would like some tea. majesty? uh, our daughter is like a princess. we call her "your majesty." very charming, huh? would you excuse me for a moment? aunt clara.

aunt clara, whatever you do, don't let her come downstairs. oh, no one tells her what to do. she has a mind of her own. aunt clara, you just have to send her back. no. no, no, no, no, no. we are gonna straighten out the 20th century. she has the brains. i have the magic. but i must be very discreet because she mustn't know that i'm a witch. clara! we will start with the western hemisphere. oh, yes, yes. oh! samantha: you saw her? what was she? she's my aunt harriet. she thinks she's queen victoria. well! [ chuckles ] well, i-if you could just ignore her.

i say, if you have to go out of your mind, go out in a big way! um...here she is. will you be kind enough to present me to her majesty? uh, your majesty, may i present mr. morgan? you may rise, mr. morgan. we were impressed with you the moment we saw you. you hear that? you remind us of mr. gladstone. no kidding? i've always reminded myself of a big shot like gladstone -- you know, cracking the whip over parliament. we detest mr. gladstone. that's what i call a real regal attitude -- not afraid to speak out. i'm that way myself. i-i -- why don't you two run along and let me have a private little chat with her majesty? well, i --

rry. mm-hmm. off with you. off, off, off, off. now, let's you and i have a v.i.p. conversation. you tell me how you run your empire. i'll tell you how i run my mattress factory. sir, have you forgotten yourself? i never forget me... or anything else. i have a memory like a steel trap. we have not given you permission to seat yourself. oh, come on, come on. sit down. let's talk empires. even mr. gladstone has greater respect for the crown. ow! excuse me, your majesty. may i escort you upstairs? perhaps you'd like to take a little nap. you keep out of this, tate. i can handle this nut.

excuse me, your majesty, but this self-appointed emperor of a mattress factory has it coming to him. we haven't given anyone permission to speak. oh, shut up! larry: don't you tell anyone in this house to shut up. this is darrin stephens' house. he's the one who says, "shut up"! may i speak for your husband? oh, b-b-be my guest. shut up. [ door slams ] how do you like that? i finally got up enough nerve to do it. your majesty, we humbly apologize. we shall retire to our bedchamber.

larry, i'm very proud the way you stood up to him, but in view of the fact that it's a million-dollar account, don't you -- songwriters are missing the greatest hit in the world. you know, they should put music to those words -- "shut up." samantha... yes? do you have someplace i could lie down? would you like an ice pack? no, thanks. i just want to lie down. guest room's at the top of the stairs. i was wondering why i wasn't the least bit worried. now i know. the time hadn't come yet. now i'm worried. [ ding! ]

you are falling asleep. deeper and deeper asleep. you are dreaming that you are queen victoria. you run your factory oria ran her empire. oh, we certainly do. if anybody gets out of line, we let them have it with our fan. you ring your little bell, and everybody jumps. [ rings ] you're fired! you sit on your little throne and tell everybody how to do everything. we are not amused with your advertising campaign. but you are not queen victoria. you're only a petty little tyrant. and as you think back in history,

[ car door closes ] larry... what is it? it's mr. morgan. he's back. morgan? mm-hmm. let me think. let me think. let me think of a good apology. [ doorbell rings ] i can be the most apologetic person in the world when i put my heart and soul into it. may i come in? yes, of course. i won't stay a moment. is mr. tate still here? larry: mr. morgan. well, tate! i just came by to tell you of the most wonderful dream i had. i dreamed i was queen victoria.

it suddenly dawned on me that you were telling the truth. i have been running my business like a tyrant, treating people as though i were the queen mother... the queen bee! of course that's absolute nonsense! you're talking while i'm talking. sorry. [ chuckles ] nobody else has ever dared tell me to my face. i admire you, tate. you're the kind of man i want to handle my account. and i'll keep my nose out of it. oh, no, no, mr. morgan. you're talking again. sorry. [ chuckles ] well, that's all i came by to say. i'll see you and stephens at the office when he gets back. goodbye. bye-bye. night-night, mr. morgan. nighty-night. well, how about that? yes, how about that? now, if i can make it to my car, i think i'll go home and have a double.

her majesty will be down in a moment. oh, really, aunt clara. darrin is going to be home soon, and she cannot be here! er back. i, uh... i've forgotten the spell. well, you leave me no alternative. i may not be able to send her back, but i can certainly get her down here. [ gasping ] how did we get here? we didn't come down the stairs, and we don't recall jumping. we came here like this, your majesty.

oh! i am a witch. clara, you are her aunt. you're not a witch? well, we can't all be perfect, your majesty. i do seem to recall my beloved albert -- even albert liked you. if we had known this in the 19th century, we would have had you flogged! our memory may be bad, but when we get mad, we remember our spells. eye of a newt... leg of a spider... queen victoria, tallyho. oh, aunt clara! now we've got prince albert!

samantha: well, i'm meeting darrin for lunch about 1:00, -- so if you got here about noon, it'd be perfect. okay? bye-bye. who was that, honey? the sitter? mm-hmm. who'd you get? my mother. since when do you talk to your mother on the phone? i wasn't on the phone. oh. i've been wondering, is it wise to go to la bella donna? the service is awfully slow. oh, sweetheart. the whole point is that's where we had lunch on our first date three years ago. if the service had been any faster, we might never have gotten married. that's true. what did i ever do to deserve you? [ ding! ] that's what i've been asking ever since you married. endora, this day is so special that not even you are going to spoil it. goodbye, sweetheart. goodbye, darling.

[ door opens, closes ] mother? hmm. you know very well you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. tell that to the dodger outfield. [ laughs ] [ horn honks ] hi! aren't you darrin stephens? yes, i am. i don't believe -- no, we haven't met, but we're supposed to in about 20 minutes. i'm terry warbell. oh, how do you do? isn't this a coincidence? well, it certainly is. i thought your folks lived in larchmont. they do, but since i'm going to be working with mcmann & tate, i got an apartment not far from here. well, how about that? i better hurry. i'll be late for our meeting. [ ding! ] that's a human being for you. one minute he's so sweet

and then he goes out and picks up the first gorgeous face he sees. mother, he was just giving her a lift. from what i can see, vice versa. any woman whose husband remembers the date of their first meeting has nothing to worry about. i'm glad you feel that way, darling. i do. good. do you really think she was that gorgeous? oh, comme ci, comme ca. [ ding! ]

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how do i look? too good for him. oh, mother. will be reliving one of the most romantic moments of our lives. now, can't you try to be a little happy for us? all right. but it's very difficult to change the habit of a lifetime, dear. [ telephone rings ] excuse me. hello. oh, hi, sweetheart. uh, samantha, something's come up. i'm afraid i won't be able to make lunch. oh, sweetheart. business, huh? uh, what else?

is that who you're having lunch with? uh, that's right. exactly. we haven't finished our business, see. i see. is she as pretty as that girl i saw getting in the car with you this morning? they're, uh, practically identical, if you know what i mean. y-you mean that's miss warbell? that's right. how'd she know where you live? i'll explain that to you tonight... if i can. well, all right, sweetheart. bye-bye. well, what's the story? darrin's taking a client to lunch. you mean it's that girl he drove off with this morning? oh, mother, it's business, pure and simple. ohh! don't talk to me about being pure. i saw that girl, and i'd like to know what kind of business. really! you're my daughter, and if that mortal means so much to you -- and i can't imagine why -- but if he does, you've got to do something. like what?

and i'd find out what was going on. well, you're not me. now, you handle things your way, and i'll handle things mine. that's a good idea. [ ding! ] oh, mother, that's not what i meant! we should be back about 2:00, betty. where would you like to have lunch? anywhere you say. you still have a reservation at la bella donna, if you'd like to eat there. well, uh, the service there is awfully slow. sounds perfect. that's where i'd like to go. in an hour and a half or two hours. yes, mr. stephens. oh, uh, miss warbell, i'm dying to ask you a question. what is it? do you think boots will be popular next year? [ chuckles ] i'd say that all depends on how boots behaves herself this year. well, shall we go? i'm starved. yes. oh!

[ ding! ] i hate to rush you through lunch, but i have a lot of notes to go through, and, uh... oh, uh, excuse me a minute. [ ding! ] oh, there you are, miss warbell! i'm miss kravistrod. i write the fashion copy for tate & mcmann. i've seen your picture a million times. now, i just want to get a little advance on what you're planning for next season. uh, are we through with those long skirts the girls have been wearing? i do hope so. they're so dreary, don't you agree? why, yes. yes, i do. then we can look forward to hemlines being raised next season. oh, definitely. i think if a girl has something, she should show it. now, i would like your opinion about the new polyester fabrics. or don't you care for her designs? oh, uh, i think polly esther is as good as the next designer. oh, i'm glad you feel that way.

[ ding! ] this time i'm gonna keep these in my hand. [ chuckles nervously ] abner! aren't ya ever gonna get up? what for? i want to talk to you. talk. well, how can you listen when you're asleep? same way i listen when i'm awake. [ doorbell rings ] ye-- yes? i don't know. i-i beg your pardon? i seem to -- i don't know. i think i'm lost. oh, well, don't let it bother you. people your age often forget. but i'm only 24. what?! abner! wake up! wake up! abner, there's an old hag at the door, and she says she's only 24!

can you imagine a fashion expert not knowing anything about miniskirts or boots or synthetic fabrics? well, she was probably being funny. don't you think? no, phony. i tell you, that woman's a fake. mother, that's ridiculous. i can't understand you, samantha. your husband is in the clutches of who knows what kind of impostor, and you refuse to become alarmed. that's right. because darrin would never do anything to hurt me. then how is it that he took that woman to your favorite restaurant? you're making that up. i tell you, i heard him say he'd be at la bella donna. now, do you call that good and kind? yes. good for nothing, and kind of a rat! [ telephone rings ] hello.

and i have a feeling that she's, uh... your kind of people. what do you mean by that? yes. yes? yes. well, uh, hold on just a moment. mother! yes, darling? are you expecting anyone? no. why? it's mrs. kravitz. there's a woman at her house, apparently a very, very old woman, old. some women never give up hope. what's her name? what's her name? do you know your name? of course. terry warbell! terry warbell! i knew it. i knew there was something wrong with that woman. what is it, mother? what's going on? i'll explain later. right now you'd better pop in next door, get that woman over here,

[ ding! ] hello, are you there, mrs. stephens? no, i'm here. [ gasps ] i-i -- how could you -- i... abner! abner! abner, this you got to see! i was talking to her on the telephone, and she pops in here! who? who else? mrs. stephens. look! you'll say anything to get me up, won't you? now, just calm yourself and try to recall what happened. it was this morning. i was driving along in my car. i saw this old woman. she waved at me and i stopped. and then -- i don't know how it happened -- but i was the old woman, and she was driving off in my car!

oh, there's no doubt about it. there's no doubt about it. she's the crone of cawdor. the crone of cawdor? yes. that does sound familiar. well, it should. when you were a little girl, it was one of your favorite bedtime stories. of course! she was turned into a hag and had to live all alone on a mountain peak in carpathia. that's right. and do you remember the rest of it? well, let's see. "when the earth turns once around the sun, "let the crone go forth till the day is done. "another's form she'll take and her form leave, "from 6:00 in the morn..." [gasps] "...till 6:00 in the eve. "and in this guise, if she can secure "a willing kiss from a mortal pure, "to her will pass the mortal's youth, to him will pass her age, forsooth."

oh, yes! and if he kisses her, he'll be 500 years older... but no wiser. what's the matter, darling? i thought you trusted your husband implicitly. well, of course i trust him, but not with a 500-year-old crone! especially not with a 500-year-old crone who's gorgeous and wants to be kissed. h-hello, larry? i'm trying to find him. why, he -- he's with one of our clients, and i believe he said he was going to... their apartment to finish their meeting. you mean he isn't with miss warbell anymore? oh, he told you about her? larry, whose apartment has he gone to? sam, you have nothing to worry about. darrin is as steady as a rock. miss warbell just wants to show him

sam, i know you won't believe this, but it's the honest truth. he hung up before i could get it. hello? sam, are you all right?

wouldn't you be more comfortable here? i think i can concentrate better standing up. but i can concentrate better if you're sitting down. okay. well -- can't we stop talking business for a moment? well, i would like to go over these details. but we've been meeting all day, and you haven't told me a thing about yourself. if we're going to be working together, there are things i'd like to know. now, tell me about yourself. well, uh, uh, what would you like to know? what do you do for fun? oh, uh, sports -- swimming, fishing, mountain climbing.

oh, you have the most fascinating eyes. well, uh, i was born with a slight cast in the left -- isn't there something you'd like to do? yes! i'd like to finish going over these notes. "and there is a possibility that the warbell dress company "may be interested in some tax loss purchases. "and toward that end, "i would appreciate your giving us complete details "on sale price of your holdings... ...as well as..." what -- what happened to miss kornblut? it was time for her coffee break, mr. warbell. and she couldn't wait to finish a letter?

while we're stopped, sir, could you please give me terry's address? i seem to have misplaced it. uh, 35 rollins place. now, can we go on? yes, sir. "...as well as a certified copy "of all of your company's debts, "including those owed to the government for corporation taxes." you got that? got what?! why don't you people drink coffee for a living and take work breaks? now, here's our big gun. warbell is an odd name. you almost want to say "warbler." well, why not take advantage of it? now, what we had in mind was a new dress. we could call it the warbell warbler. now, when we introduce the dress, all the department stores will take out full-page ads. we'll pick up half of the charges, of course. a simple "i don't care for the idea" would have been enough. what sort of mortal man are you anyway?

doesn't it matter to you that you're alone with a beautiful woman? with a warm, vibrant woman crying out for a little love? kiss me. uh, uh, terry... it's nothing against you personally. it's just that i'm a very happily married man. i'm not asking you to run away with me. i'm just asking you to kiss me. just one little kiss, please? one can't do any harm. oh, are you wrong! sam, what are you doing here?! come with me. i will not! i don't know how you found me, but this is the most insulting thing i ever heard of! talk about lack of trust! i trust you. it's that -- that woman i don't trust! i beg your pardon. sam, i think you owe miss warbell an apology. that woman is not miss warbell!

the what of what?! the crone of cawdor. that's the most ridiculous story i've ever heard. only an insanely jealous woman would make up something like that. sam, if this is your idea of a joke, it's a bad one! it's true! if you kiss her, you'll be 500 years old! oh, sam, you come up with some real beauts! tell him. go ahead. tell him what i'm saying is true. i'll do nothing of the kind. [ clock chiming ] it might at that. i think i will kiss you. any wife who spies on her husband deserves not to be disappointed. what do you think of that? be my guest. well... [ moans ] [ gasps ]

[ ding! ] what happened? the clock struck 6:00 just as i was about to strike one. will you tell me what happened?! over here. yo-- aah! sweetheart... i'm sick and tired of having you say i make things up about the stephens'. so you're gonna take a look at the old hag, and you're gonna ask her how old she is. and when she says she's only 24... [ doorbell rings ] ...we'll see who's making things up. oh, hi. hello. hello, mrs. stephens. excuse me, i just want to prove something to him. take a look. now ask her how old she is. how old are ya? 24. well, what have you got to say now? let's go home. is that all you've got to say? when we get home, i'll tell you a lot more. good night. it's lucky that the neighbors found you

i-i guess so. i'm terribly sorry about missing our appointment. that's perfectly all right. after a good night's rest, i'm sure you'll be fine. and can we meet tomorrow instead? of course. good, because i'm dying to hear your ideas. my father says you're a very bright young man. well, thank you. i don't know about bright, but my wife helps me stay young. he means our marriage keeps him young. [ groans ] then i'll see you tomorrow about 10:00? okay. why don't i walk you out to the car? good night, miss warbell. good night, mrs. stephens. excuse me, honey. do you want a word of advice, samantha? not really. well, i'm going to give it to you anyway. that girl is not to be trusted. you don't mean to say that she's an impostor? no, she's the real thing. oh, is she real. that's why i wouldn't trust her. now, if i were you, tomorrow morning,

mmm. are the greatest. any other wife would've flipped over the treatment you got today. oh? well, for future reference, i wasn't too far from flipping. oh, you pitched right in and rustled up this dinner. and you know something, this lasagna is every bit as good as la bella donna's. well, it should be. i had it sent from la bella donna. more chianti? mm-hmm. courtesy of la bella donna? everything here is from la bella donna.

happy anniversary, darling, of our first meeting. i'll kiss to that. [???] -- captions by vita tony: i will. yes, you know i will. all right, give my love to dad and sis. yes, okay, bye. was that your mother again, master? uh-huh. the usual thing, you know. stay out of drafts, marry a nice girl. i am a nice girl, master. yes, i know you are, jeannie. somehow i-- i don't think you're exactly what my mother has in mind. my family never calls me. do you know, master, i have not seen my sister jeannie for over 200 years. jeannie? your sister's name is jeannie? oh, yes, we are all jeannies. [chuckling] no kidding. how do they tell you apart? oh, you would have no difficulty telling my sister jeannie from me, master.

different. well, if you miss her so much, why don't you call her? only, uh, reverse the charges, huh? [laughs] [???] i'll be home early. i want to get to bed early. don't plan anything fancy, huh? have a good day, master. okay. [giggles] "reverse the charges." [giggles] well, i will do better than that. oh. yes, master poopsie, what is it this time? jeannie. do you not recognize me? it is your sister, jeannie. well, careful, careful, darling, my hair. well, what am i doing here?

so i began to think, we had not seen each other in such a very long time and so... well... here you are. well, frankly, darling, i'm grateful. your homey, little impulse may just have saved me from a long, dull summer. [sighs] i don't know what your master is like, but mine's a drag. oh, not my major nelson. he is a wonderful man. for starters, he's 80, and he's got 36 wives. well, my major nelson is not married. [giggles] but i am hopeful. [laughs smugly] so, he keeps me in that stuffy, old bottle all day long until the ashtrays in one of his limousines gets filled up. and then it's zap, out of the bottle. poof, a new limousine.

well, my master hardly let's me give him anything. in fact, he gets angry if i try to give him a present. well, if he doesn't want anything, what do you do all day long? oh, we go places and do things together. in fact, i am hardly ever in my bottle. jeannie's sister: is this your major nelson, darling? jeannie: is he not beautiful? mmmm. groovy. [chuckles] but he sure could provide you with a better bottle. this is pretty tiny. oh, no, it is quite comfortable. oh, don't kid me, sis. you must be cramped in there. oh, no, truly, i will show you. jeannie: see? it is most cozy. glad you like it, darling, because from now on it's home sweet home.

and don't worry about your major nelson, darling. i'm going to take good care of him. [laughs] ugh. [???]

[???] hello? anybody home? well. master, darling, oh, hi, jeannie you're home. well, that's what i call starting the day off right. you're not... i-- i always knew i had sneaky charm, it just takes a-- a year or two to sink in. [chuckles] help, major healey! let me out! you are an imposter. jeannie: let me out!

pay no attention. jeannie: it is me, major healey. it is me, jeannie. oh, let me out. let me out. wait a minute. if you're jeannie... then who are you? i'm glad you asked, darling. hey, wait a minute. whoa! boy, she sure has a spooky idea of a practical joke. oh! going south? [yawning] hey, jeannie, i'm home. yummy. [growls] master, i'm so happy to finally see you. what's gotten into you anyway?

yeah, well not that way. what a waste. look. restrain yourself, please. what's for dinner? well, that's up to you, baby. where's the best place in town for a nice, thick chateaubriand with b?arnaise sauce? [chuckling] the kitchen. look, i'm bushed. anything in the refrigerator will be fine. master, darling, we're going out to eat. oh, no, we're not. i want you to promise me never to do this sort of thing again. cherries jubilee, my utter favorite. i thought you hated cherries. well, i mean, my new favorite. [giggles] jeannie, i don't know what you're trying to prove but this new style of yours has got to quit. oh, but that's what you need, master, a new style. and a brand-new jeannie to go with it. and there are going to be some changes made, darling. you're really going to swing.

home? [laughs] darling, the evening is young. pay the check. pay the check? where will we go dancing? jeannie, i don't know if you've forgotten, but i'm the guy that found you in that bottle on the beach. i give the orders around here. we are going home. [go-go music playing] no, no, darling. it's all in the hips. watch. i'm watching, i'm watching. you could get arrested for that. for this? oh, darling, you should see me when i really move. [laughs] can't we get outta here, please?

[cha-cha music plays] cha-cha-cha. huh? oh. jeannie, can't-- can't we go home? i'm-- i'm due at the base in two hours. oh, not yet, darling. i want to see the sun rise above sugarloaf. uh, well, all right, you-- you can stay here the dancing you want to. i'm going home. sugarloaf? where are we? brazil. huh? all right, major nelson, i want your reactions to yesterday's simulator flight, exactly as you remember them. now, uh, major nelson? wake up, major. oh. dr. bellows, what are you doing here, sir?

oh, of course it is. i'm sorry, sir. i-- i didn't get much sleep last night. [yawns] should we get started with the de-briefing. uh, fine. now, according to paragraph 20-- major nelson. wake up! [knocks] tony? tony? are you in there? i've gotta talk to you. jeannie: major healey, help! let me out. oh, it is terrible. my own sister, she has locked me in my bottle. oh, where is she? she is with my master. oh, please, help me! oh, don't worry, don't worry. old roge will come to the rescue. please, hurry. okay, here i come. [magic boings] hi.

[laughs] comfy, sister dear? okay, i wanna talk to you. what have you done with my master? where is he? oh, cool it, sis. we've got business to discuss. master? master? relax. he's at his little dullsville job. his job is not dullsville. i could make him the swingingest master going. you don't appreciate his potential. i like him the way he is. mm-hmm. well, i see him in a white dinner jacket with a daiquiri in one hand and an expensive cigar in the other. uh, i'm fine now, sir.

major nelson, what are you wearing? wearing, sir? well, my uniform. you! you want to change him. well, my master and i are perfectly happy and-- and i-- i think he looks handsome in his uniform. that's a uniform? yes, sir. oh, i-- [laughs] i'm sorry, major. uh, for a moment, i could have sworn that you were wearing a dinner jacket d smoking a cigar. i don't smoke, sir. i didn't let you out of the bottle to argue with you. i've got it all figured out. you're going to take my place back in baghdad, keeping old ibn grandpa supplied in limousines. i will do no such thing. while i stay here and teach that gorgeous hunk of a sow's ear what life is all about. how dare you suggest such a thing.

al my master? oh, let's face it, sis. your major nelson has jet-set potential, and you're a horse-and-buggy genie. he ought to have a string of ponies. may we get along with the debriefing, sir. [bugle plays] uh?! oh! i'm s-- major, put down that polo mallet. what polo mallet, sir? t make me get rough, sis. you'll like the old coot. he's, uh, just your style. well, i would not trade my master for 50 sheiks. oh, now, how do you know, you haven't even seen him yet. he can be pretty, uh, regal in his burnoose and his flowing, white robes. [muffled yell] do, uh, i look all right to you? oh, fine, fine, sir. well, a second ago, i--

uh, look at my eyes, do they look clouded or anything? no, sir, you look just the same. [???] almost. well-- well, okay, sis, if you feel that way about it. after all, i only want you to be happy. we are sisters, aren't we? a bient?t. tony's voice: jeannie, help. she's got me trapped in the bottle. she's gonna take me back with her. oh. oh! do not worry, master, i am coming. master? better luck next time.

e tricked me with his voice. ooh! ha, ha! you can forget about your major nelson, sweetheart.

jeannie, would you get us home? would ya? what is this? uh, hadn't you better shoot, love? i think he's charging. [snorts] [screams] bravo, bwana. jeannie's sister: i won't be a minute, darling, and then we're off to portugal. [knocking on glass] come in. what did you say, darling? i thought i heard somebody knock. [laughs] your nerves are jumpy.

jeannie: master. [knocking] jeannie: master, master. help! master, let me out! wh-- jeannie? jeannie's sister: angel mustn't get impatient. [gasping] wait a minute. your sister? your sister? oh, i am so glad you are safe. safe? nobody's safe with her around. i'm almost dead. jeannie's sister: i'm ready, tony, baby. shh. pretend that you still think she is me. you-- wait a minute. wait-- jeannie. jeannie's sister: how does this strike you? do you think it'll match portugal?

ne? yeah, my favorite. the one you wore last saturday night. it's in your bottle. where did you get that? oh, it was right here, where it always is. she's gone. you know, jeannie, i like you much better now than the way you were before. you do? say, why don't you hop into that little blue number and we'll paint portugal red, huh? well... okay. it'll just take a minute. gotcha. oh, boy. tony! now we'll see who's master around here. tony! jeannie's in there. we gotta let her out quick. wait. wait a minute. she's been trapped in there for days. do you know what you've done? yeah, there's a bad jeannie around here someplace, and the real one's in the bottle.

right, jeannie, darling. wrong man. bye, tony. mind if i pack a few things? [chuckles] she's all heart. jeannie? tony: jeannie! i am here, master. stop her, stop her. he is mine and you keep your hands off. well, if you want him, sister dear, you simply have to fight for him. well, all right, then. i will. house rules? house rules. [cackles] uh, w-what's house rules? she means we can only use what's here in the house. oh, well, hey, if that's the case-- well, maybe if i shed some light on the subject you'd see things more clearly.

[laughs] look, uh, girls, why don't you negotiate? i mean, after all, you're sisters. what you need is to improve your mind with a few good books. yeah, uh-- i mean, blood is thicker than-- master! [laughs] tony: wait a minute. [chuckles] [yells] waa! ow! tony: wait a minute. wait-- [coughs] would you-- would you-- jeannie, doesn't she have a master of her own? oh, master, you are brilliant. [laughing] oh. why did i not think of that? ahh, there you are, you wicked jeannie.

back in the bottle. dirty pool. sheik: in the bottle, ibn ali commands you. yes, master. i'll be back, darlings. uh, major nelson, i understand now what happened this morning. it was all suggestion. [chuckles] you were saying, sir? uh, nothing, major. i'm not even here.

psst! let's make a break for it. roge, you look half dead. come on inside. oh, no, no, i can't. she'll send me to the bottom of the sea. that's the only place left. no, we got rid of her. relax, it's okay. no, it's okay, come on in. oh, you... you don't know how hot it can get. yeah, i know. you don't know how cold it can get. [laughs] oh, it is my sister's, master, and i thought i would try it on. do you like it? you gave me quite a start, young lady. it's all right, roger. it's the real jeannie. no, it-- no, it really is. tell him, um-- tell him about last wednesday night, all the fun we had. wednesday night? yeah. i do not remember. tuesday night? nope. um, thursday night?

a night. oh, master? major healey? [???] you mean you do not want me to go with you? well, that's the general idea, jeannie. look, i have a very important press conference, and... well, i just don't want you to attract any attention. why don't you go to d-diamond head or something, huh? because i want to be with you. i will not attract any attention, master. [chuckling] oh, come on. oh, i promise. ittle mouse, and no one will even know i am there. i'll know. i-- look, i- i don't have time to-- look what you've done to my papers. i gotta collect all these-- oh, i will get them for you, master. uh-- thank you. [chuckles] then i may go with you? well, i really don't have a choice, do i? mm-mm.

??] tony: "i will sit in the corner like a little mouse--"

at pin? i wanted to look nice for you. oh. i see. did that thing really cost a half a million dollars? i do not know. king tut did not say. did king tut really give you this? oh, yes. [chuckles] oh, he was quite fond of me. he was a very nice man, you know. bit of an egomaniac. i mean, most people are satisfied with a little tiny tombstone. but king tut had to have the biggest in whole land. the pyramid, a golden coffin-- i know. i know, i know. i am sorry if i upset you, master. that's all right. i guess i'm just being overcautious. [chuckles] there's no harm done. [giggling] no, master. my name is vanderhaven. i'm looking for major anthony nelson. mr. vanderhaven. yes. it is a great pleasure to have you in our hotel. i hear that you never come ashore, and it is such-- stop fawning. where can i find major nelson?

to take you to-- i'll find him myself. phew. master, it is such a beautiful day. why do we not go boating? well, for one reason, i don't have a boat-- major nelson? yeah. [chuckles] forgive me for intruding. my name is vanderhaven. oh, yes, sir. how do you do? i-- i heard that you were in honolulu, and i came to tell you what a great honor it is to have you with us. well, thank you. uh, this is miss jeannie. how do you do? mister, uh--? vanderhaven. very glad to see you. how do you do? well-- would you join us? well, i'll only be a minute. you know... being in town makes me very, very nervous. oh, where do you live? on my yacht. [gasps] you have a yacht? yes. and i was hoping you'd come aboard and have lunch with me today. of course you're invited, too. [gasping] oh! well, that's very kind of you, but i do have a mission-- it's the least i can do

one o'clock would be fine. are you enjoying yourself on the island, uh, major? oh, yes, yes. the islands are beautiful. i'd like to have a little... house on the beach, you know, for vacation time. would you like a house on the beach? tony: uh-- i'll buy one when i can afford it, jeannie. excuse my curiosity, but i, uh... i'm a collector of antique jewelry. is that, uh--? is that scarab genuine? oh, yes. king tut gave it to-- to a friend of his in court. it's lovely. thank you. well, i, uh-- i guess i'd better be going. i'm expecting a call from my london office, i'll see you at lunch, major. a pleasure meeting you, sir. a pleasure meeting you, too. thank you. you found him! mr. vanderhaven, if there's anything-- stop fawning. tony: oh, mr. chang. uh, pardon me. who is he? mr. vanderhaven? he's the richest man in the world.

[snaps three times] would you, uh, care to have a little more pineapple? oh, no, thank you. no, thanks. i couldn't eat another bite. this is certainly a beautiful yacht. i'm very, very glad you like it. i keep my large yacht at nassau. would you like to have a beautiful yacht--? no. no, jeannie. you know, you two are very, very good friends, aren't you? oh, yes, i would do anything for my-- jeannie's very generous. i admire that. that's the trouble with the world today. people only think of themselves. [bell chiming] th-- th-- that must be my call from my brazil office. would you pardon me? certainly. make yourself comfortable. all right! [bell chiming] all right, all right. take care with the old man's coat, he's gonna kill ya. oh, okay. drive me crazy. here. here. he's in a very bad mood today. isn't he always? that miserable... working, working all the time.

his favorite. here. [exhales] what the devil kept you?! oh, i-i've been preparing your luncheon, mr. vanderhaven. and i thought-- it's freezing in here. no, it's very warm in here, sir. you are contradicting me? oh. n-now that you mention it, sir, it is quite chilly in here. here's your luncheon, sir. ah, slop! slop! slop! i'm t-- but-- i'm the richest man in the world, and all i can eat is slop served me by incompetents. would you care to have another one, sir? no! i don't want anything else. all i want to do is get out of this freezing climate. freezing, sir? but we're in hawaii. well, from all i've seen of it, might as well be in the south pole. get me my wheelchair, i'm going up on deck. on deck? n-n-n-now, sir? right now? is there any reason i should not go on the deck of my own yacht? well, no, i don't see any reason to-- i'll-- i'll get your umbrella, because there's a cold rain falling. again? yes. i'll stay in bed. whatever you say.

just get your stupid face out of here. out, out, out, out! out! yes, sir. [???] i hope you know what you're doing. have i ever let you down? well, there was the time-- never mind. do you wanna work for that cheap, miserable millionaire for the rest of your life? well, there are worse jobs. yeah? well, we're in his will. what? for $10,000? well, that's a lot of money. chickenfeed, pal. chickenfeed. there's over a half a million dollars ready to be taken. but we'll never get away with it. that-- that scarab is too well-known. even if you steal it, you'll never be able to get rid of it. do what? steal it?! yeah. who's talking about stealing? she's going to give it to us. why would she do that? because we're smarter than she is. do you realize what we can do with a half a million dollars? here we could invest it. yeah. yachts. girls.

twenty-five hundred dollars. [snaps twice] get it out. what for? bait. we're going into town this afternoon for three things: a real-estate broker, a jeweler and a lumberyard. real-estate broker... a jeweler... and a lumberyard? i'm sorry i was detained, but those overseas calls are a nuisance, aren't they? well, it's a pleasant place to get them. and what would be more pleasant is for me to show you two around oahu tomorrow. oh! oh, thank you, mr. vanderhaven, but i have quite a lot of work to do tomorrow. oh, that's a pity. uh, are you free? am i free? well, uh-- i am free. oh, good, good. i'll, uh-- i'll pick you up in the morning, and i'll show you around the islands. oh, thank you. well, thank you. believe me, major... this is going to be a rewarding experience.

charles: twenty-three, 24, 25. the boys will never believe this, mr. hinkey. yeah? may i ask what you want this land for? is this in confidence? of course. it's for the president's anti-poverty program. oh.

[???] uh, good morning, miss. good morning. uh, where shall we go first, sir? oh, i am so excited. i want to be taken everywhere.

i told you to order the large helicopter. you mean you have more than one? yes, my dear, i have a fleet of them. heh. now make jeannie comfortable, take her into the helicopter. mr. vanderhaven. yeah, that is correct. i am mr. vanderhaven. heh-heh. how much is a half-hour ride? fifty dollars. give me $11 worth. go ahead. [???] jeannie: oh, look down there! that is diamond head! is it not lovely? [gasps] oh! there is the punchbowl.

ajor nelson were along. honolulu is so beautiful from the air. [inaudible dialogue] are the guards off duty, edward? uh. they-- they must be at lunch, sir. all right. open the gate. open the gate. yes, sir. and then i'll-- i'll help the lady down. you help me down. i'll help you down. step right this way, jeannie. be very, very careful. that's fine. walk right in here. this is my pride and joy, this piece of land. would you like to see it? oh, i would love to. well, fine. let's go.

well-- i'm afraid i can't discuss it now. even with you. heh-heh. [quietly] step right up. [???] oh! this is so wild and beautiful! yes. it's very relaxing. heh-heh. in fact, the real-estate broker that i bought it from told me that there's not another beach like this on the island. oh, it would be a beautiful place to build a home. eed. a great place for somebody who wanted to rest. who wanted to get away from all the-- the pressure of being in space all the time. like major nelson. yes. like major nelson. oh. he would adore this. i'm sorry, dear, it's not for sale. oh. [mouthing words] look how white the sand is. it is lovely. yeah, they-- they don't make sand like this anymore.

this looks like a diamond. shh! not so loud. you mean it is a diamond? you have stumbled on my secret. this beach is full of diamonds. i did not know they had diamonds in hawaii. shh. they do have diamonds in hawaii. why you think they call this "diamond head"? oh. jeannie, look. look at that diamond. [squeals] oh. this is why you have the-- the guards and the gate shh. i was hoping it wouldn't leak out. i-- oh. look at that color. eddie, have them clean this beach. eddie: yes, mr. vanderhaven. this beach hasn't been cleaned since yesterday. the tide is so high, it keeps washing the diamonds ashore. that is why you do not wish to sell this land. well, i-- like to say that money isn't everything. jeannie, i-- i thought if it would make you and major nelson very happy, you could have the land, i'd give it to you. you are going to let me have it?

oh! that would be won-- no good. why not? tsk. he will never allow me to do anything for him. oh, my dear. this wouldn't cost you anything. it would not? no. i'd give it to you for free. sit right down. oh. thank you. that's fine, jeannie. get the motor running. yes, mr. vanderhaven. now i'll show you how the whole thing will work. you pay for the land, and you'll get your money back on the diamonds. that's how simple it is. you are right. how much money would you like for the land? ooh. i never gave it a thought, because money doesn't mean anything-- that's a beautiful scarab you're wearing. [chuckles] oh. would you take the scarab for the land? i guess so, if i was persuaded. oh, thank you! oh. be careful. it's the-- the diamond. there's another one there. oh. no, no. keep it, keep it, dear. there's more where that came from.

lanai of his beautiful home that he'll build here. oh-ho-ho. major nelson will be so thrilled. yeah. we're all going to be very thrilled. heh. uh, here is the deed to the land. oh, thank you! the, uh-- [snaps once] let's get the pin. oh. oh, yes. that's fine. everything legal and above-board. heh-heh. uh, what time is it? it's quarter to 12, sir. quarter of 12. we gotta be running along. let's-- come on. [???] [beeping] vanderhaven: charles! [whistles] oh, there you are. where have you been? eh-- sightseeing. you're smoking my cigar. yes, i am. it's the last one i'm gonna smoke. i can't stand these crummy cigars. what?

is that any way to talk to a sick man? you're not sick. you're a hypochondriac. i've had five years of cleaning up after you, being yelled at, watching you wheel and deal and cheat people. well, let me tell you something, mr. vanderhaven. i've been doing a little wheeling and dealing myself, and i'm quitting! you are not quitting, you're fired! fired? i had you in my will for $10,000. peanuts, pal! peanuts. i am raising it to $50,000! fifty thousand? then i'm cutting you out of my will! master. oh. oh. what is it? master, i have the most exciting surprise for you. now i thought you were out touring the island with mr. vanderhaven. you now own the most beautiful beach in "ohooha." [chuckles] no, it's "oahu." and you are going to build a beautiful home there and sit under the palm trees, and eat the coconuts as they fall. mm, jeannie, i told you, whenever i wanted land i'd buy it myself. oh, but you do not have to buy it, master.

how'd you get it? hm. oh, i was very clever. how'd you get it? i was much smarter than mr. vanderhaven. and he is the richest man in the whole world. how'd you get it? hm. all i had to do was to give him my scarab, and he gave me that. two acres of sand for-- for a jewel worth a half a million dollars? oh, but it is not just sand, master. it is covered with diamonds. it's covered with diamonds? yes. your land is full of them. hundreds are washed ashore volcano. [chuckles] and that is why it is called "diamond head". who told you that? mr. vanderhaven. hm. i have really done it this time, have i not, master? [chuckling] you sure have. you've been taken by the greatest con artist in the world. con artist? yeah, jeannie, there aren't any diamonds in hawaii. oh, but you are wrong, master. heh. i picked these up off your beach myself. oh, jeannie. these are probably just industrial diamonds that he scattered on the bea--

oh, no. oh, yeah. no! oh, my scarab. oh, king tut will be furious with me. yeah. well, i will call the police and tell them exactly what happened. yeah, listen, jeannie, uh, why don't you do that. uh, you call the police, and they'll wanna know who you are and where you're from. and you'll say you're a genie. yes. and you come out of a bottle. that is right. and they'll put us all away. but what shall i do, master? nothing. oh, but i must do some-- no, absolutely noth-- maybe this will be a lesson to you. tsk. yes, master. mm. well, you didn't come off too badly. i mean, you got three diamonds out of it. yes. at least i got the diamonds out of it. yeah. [chuckles] well. i shall be running along. where you going? [chuckles] [yawning] oh, i-- i will take a nap. i, uh, am very sleepy. i always get sleepy when i have been cheated.

mr. vanderhaven. i'm-- i didn't see you come in, jeannie. i wanted to speak to you about our land. oh, no. you'll have to talk to my lawyer. now, we-- we have an ironclad deal. if you have any complaints-- i did not come here to complain. i came here to thank you. there isn't a court in the world-- to thank me? yes! i have just come from my beach. you did not tell me how large the diamonds were. no. no. charles: they're diamonds. they're diamonds. they're real diamonds! yes. the tide keeps washing them up on the shore faster than the trucks can take them away. t-- trucks? truckloads of-- of diamonds? it was very generous of you. jeannie, you, uh-- you can't have that land. why not? because th-- there's a curse on it. there's a curse of the ancient gods of the volcanoes.

well, i-- i do not believe in curses. aw, y-you're a brave girl, and i would never forgive myself if i let anything happen to you. oh, but really-- now don't argue. we can't take any chances. now, i suggest one thing: just leave this here. and here, you-- you take-- you take back the scarab, huh? heh. are you sure? sure? i'm positive. and, uh-- uh, jeannie, give me the deed to the land, please. [magic boings] there you are. i'm rich. [laughs] truckloads! truckloads! enjoy yourself. oh. you bet i will. i w-- let's go. let's go. i-- eddie. w-where's the scarab? the what? the scarab. you're kidding. what scarab? you kidding, eddie? i gave back that half- a-million-dollar trinket. that scarab, ha-ha-ha-ha! you what? i gave it back. look at this, eddie. look at this! you know what this is? do you know what this is!?

where will you be sailing next, mr. vanderhaven? uh, tahiti. i intend to spend six months there. oh, if you happen to run into captain bligh, will you say hello for me? [chuckles] jeannie. hello, charles. hello, miss. yes, uh, ahem, charles is a terrible scoundrel, you know, i'm so thankful that the honolulu police turned him over to me. impersonating someone else is a prison offense, isn't it, charles? yes, mr. vanderhaven. but charles likes living the life of luxury. uh, don't you, charles? [quietly] yes, sir. when you've cleared away the dishes, you can clean up the galley. yes, sir. and then press all of my clothes. charles: yes, sir. after that, you can, uh... you were wrong, master. yeah? about what? you said he was the greatest

he is the second greatest. [???] ? green acres is the place to be ? ? farm livin' is the life for me ? ? land spreadin' out so far and wide ? ? keep manhattan, just give me that countryside ? ? new york is where i'd rather stay ? ? i get allergic smelling hay ? ? i just adore a penthouse view ? ? darling, i love you, but give me park avenue ?