? donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? ? ain't you glad she showed up? ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? there will absolutely not be steak and kidney pie with mashed potatoes. we are having broiled trout and a salad with diet dressing.

hon', that's really amusing. remind me to give you a raise. oh, thank you. when does it start? when hell freezes over. got any idea what's bothering walter? oh, no, but i'm sure it has to do with money. i--i--i...you know, he's--he's just-- he's just not himself. and he says, "nothing, maude, "except we have to cut down on expenses." then he runs around the house, turning off the lights and stuffing his face. it's like being married to an owl with a tapeworm. walter, darling. why are all the lights on? because it's nighttime. that's no excuse.

nobody understands me. we gotta cut down on expenses. ( garbled ) every time i come home... the place is lit up like a christmas tree! i talk and talk and nobody listens. walter, must you talk with your mouth full? and another thing, maude. it's like a furnace in here. can't we do something about the heat? it's costing me a fortune! mrs. naugatuck, would you mind turning down the thermostat? turn it down to 60. if you don't mind, sir, i'd, uh, like to turn it down to 32. 32? that's right.

walter, i'm your wife. i'm your partner in this life. you've got to tell me what's wrong, walter,

okay, maude, you wanna know? i'll tell you, and then you'll know. if i don't come up with some money by the end of next week, findlay--findlay's friendly appliances goes bankrupt. two weeks behind in my payroll, and the bank won't give me any more extensions on my loans. walter, how much money do we have to raise? a lot. well, how much? $12,000. oh, good lord. since when did you turn catholic?

i will leave no church unturned. honey, why didn't you tell me about this before? i didn't wanna bother you, maude. what was i supposed to do? come to you and cry? men don't cry, maude. aw... i'm 52 years old, and in all my life... i don't think i've seen a half a dozen men cry. i've never cried in front of you, maude. look at this. i'm crying. oh, walter, honey... there isn't a human being in the world who hasn't cried. i'm scared, maude. i'm a fat man, and i'm scared. honey, everything's going to be all right. maude, i've already borrowed on everything.

the small businessman doesn't have a chance. remember sam lewis? the bathroom-fixture king of tuckahoe? right into the toilet. he filed for bankruptcy. they're not building any more houses, so he went broke. honey, how about getting a loan from the government? the government? they'll only bail you out if you're lockheed, franklin bank, the pennsylvania railroad! ntry, maude? all we get is a slap on the back, a "win" button, and a pep talk from eliot janeway. ( imitating ) it's a fool's game, maude. now, listen, walter, look, i don't want you to say anything. now, look, listen to me, walter, please. under the circumstances, walter, the house is free and clear. maude... look, we'll borrow on it. no, the house is yours. the house is ours, walter. it just happens to be in my name.

now, listen, this is my problem! it is our problem, walter. now why shouldn't we borrow on it. give me one good reason. maude, i built findlay's friendly appliances. thirty-two years ago, i started the long, long climb, but i needed no outside help. i did it all by myself! i am horatio alger. i am independent and proud. i am an american success story. walter, i asked you for one good reason, not a bicentennial minute! i'm not taking charity from you or anybody else. oh, come--walter, it's not charity, it's a loan. i already lost the loan on the insurance. what if i lose the $12,000? they'll take away the house! honey, i love you. walter, who cares? i care! i'm not going to borrow money from my wife, and that's it. case closed! all right, all right, all right. how about asking arthur for the money? i'm not gonna borrow money from arthur. that's the quickest way to lose a friend. now listen to me, walter,

or i'm going to mortgage the house. and look, if arthur needed money, you would be the first person he'd come to, right? right. right, so stick him before he sticks you. all right, walter, out with it. what in the world is it? okay, arthur, i'll give it to you straight. can you lend me some money? that's it? that's the whole thing? why didn't you come right out and say so? , i'm your friend. if you want my right arm, you got my right arm. if you want a pint of my blood, you got a pint of my blood. look, if you need money, walter, i'd be insulted if you didn't ask me. how much do you want? $12,000.

i'm sorry i asked you, arthur. forget it. t-t-t-$12,000! keep it down. does the whole world have to know i'm a failure? walter... you're not a failure. arthur, if i don't raise that money by a week from tomorrow, i lose everything. oh, come on, you're just a little strapped. i know how it feels. listen, these times are tough for everybody. if i had the money, i'd love to loan it to you. i--i just don't have it. look, all you gotta do is just buck up together. listen to sam lewis, there. hey, sam, arthur... can i have a minute of your time? come on over and cheer walter up, will ya? hiya, walter. hi, sam. arthur: hey, tommy, another round for sam and me and another glass of milk for walter, on me. sam, i was just talking to walter here. now, you just went bankrupt. he just lost his business, but look at him. you don't see him sittin' around the house, moping.

i can't even pay my dues at the club. this is my farewell drink, tonight. arthur, he's amazing. sam... how can you be so happy? you just lost your plumbing business. that's right. now i haven't even got a pot. look, walter, it's all in the way you look at things. no matter how rough things get, once you make up your mind, you can always do something about it. i mean, do you really think so? of course. i'll guarantee, i'm not gonna sit around, feeling sorry for myself. i couldn't take that. i've got too much pride. me too. yeah, but i'm going to do something about it. you hear that brave man, walter? do you hear that? walter: i guess your right, arthur. arthur: that is the power of positive thinking. now, that is courage, walter. you don't hear him whining. you certainly don't. you know, he's an inspiration. aah-ahh! mm-mmm.

oh, i'm sorry, and thanks. i'm not supposed to have that stuff, you know. it's poison to me. y-yeah, me too. but what the hey, you only live once. here's to it! good luck, sam. down the hatch. sam... you really are an inspiration to me. i gotta tell you something, sam. i know you're not gonna believe this, but when i woke up this morning... just for a second, a... a fleeting second... a thought crossed my mind. i looked into the mirror, and i said-- only for a second, mind you-- walter... why don't you do yourself in?

sam! oh, boy.

? think of your fellow man. ? ? lend him a helping hand. ? ? put a little love in your heart. ? ' down, ? ? put a little love in your heart. ? ?put a little love in your heart.? ? in your heart. ? (avo) the subaru share the love event is happening now and will have given ninety million dollars

maude, i thought mrs. naugatuck was gonna let out my pants.

you've been letting yourself out even faster. i mean, walter, it's impossible to keep up with you! it's called "fat lag." i'm going upstairs, maude. call me the minute dinner's ready. walter, i have never known you to give up like this. aren't you even going to try to save the store? what the hell for? i'm on the verge of bankruptcy. doesn't make any difference if it happens today, tomorrow. i'm going broke. only a miracle can save me, maude, and you haven't been a catholic long enough for that. walter, i am not going to let you give up like this. i cannot! i won't-- oh thank heavens you've-- i'm sorry, maudie. i meant to be here-- shh! i'm sorry. i meant to be here sooner, but i've been all over town trying to raise the money. i've asked everybody, even my doctor friends, but their money's all tied up in medical buildings. well, listen, i found the money, arthur. i mortgaged the house,

now, look. here is a cashier's check. i want you to deposit it to your account, and tell walter that you raised the money. maudie, i already told you. i cannot do that. i cannot lie to my best friend. you have to, arthur. look what's happening to him. i mean, he's eating himself into an early grave. i know, i know, i tried to talk to him about that. you know what happened? he threatened me with a leg of lamb. now, maudie, you take this check, and you just give it to him yourself. arthur, i can't do it. every time i bring it up, he raises the roof, now, look, arthur, you have to do this for me. you have to do it for walter, please. now, look. just make up a story. about how you raised the money. just keep it short and simple. walter! walter, dear, arthur wants to talk to you. maudie, i need more time, please. i'm no good at making up stories. oh, nonsense. you're a doctor. you do it all the time. hi, arthur.

you know, you're a very lucky fellow if you were a woman, and you came downstairs like that, i'd start boiling water and timing your pains. that's not funny, arthur. when's dinner? walter, listen, dear. arthur has some wonderful news for you. tell him, arthur. tell him? tell him? oh, tell him. yeah. uh, walter... uh... uh... let me put it another way. uh, about the $12,000 you wanted, now, i didn't have it when you asked for it-- maude: oh, arthur, arthur. well, now, look, a lot of people think that the medical profession is fine right now, but, you know, the money isn't coming in the way it used to. i-i mean, some people are actually postponing operations, and... ( clears throat ) oh--oh, look, i pick up a tonsillectomy here and a gallbladder there, but they're holding back on the big stuff, walter.

well, she had a nose job and a hysterectomy. arthur, arthur! ( whispering ) tell him about your rich aunt. my rich aunt? oh, my rich aunt. yes, well, she paid me back some money she owed me, so i have a little extra cash-- oh, arthur, arthur, one of your patients just called. she'd like to know if you could-- and, you were saying, arthur. well, uh--uh--uh--uh, what i'm gonna do, walter, is i'm going to write you out a check for $12,00 and you can meet the payment at the bank. a check for $12,000? you can pay me back whenever you want. ( grunting ) oh, arthur. oh, arthur! arthur. arthur, i--i feel like a condemned man who's been given a reprieve. you saved my life! oh, walter. i'm a doctor.

besides, it is nothing. oh, "nothing!" how can you say it's nothing? arthur, you're so good. no. you're so humane. no. arthur, you're so perfect. no, no... arthur, you're just a doll. no, please, vivian! you're an absolute doll! i'm just so proud of you. here you've been complaining about money, and you turn right-- oh, you're just a god, arthur. you're an honest-to-god god. please! arthur. arthur. ( grunts ) i can't let you do this, arthur. he's a god. oh, walter, i'm just so happy for you. i'm so proud of you, i could kiss you. walter: oh, walter, that you should do this, you're not only a god. you're a saint, a real saint! oh, come on, please, walter, i'm not even close to being a saint. arthur! arthur! arthur, give me a great big hug. oh, now, walter--

no! maude, help! help! no, walter, now stop it! it's not even my money. arthur, oh... i'm sorry, maudie. i cannot be a false god. not your money? what does that mean? would you believe he won the reader's digest sweepstakes? maudie, here. i'm sorry. here's your check back. walter, i just want you to know, would've loaned it to you. arthur? arthur, does this mean you're not a god? well, in a way, vivian. okay, maude. where'd you get $12,000? mrs. naugatuck and i earned it,

i mortgaged the house. you what? oh, come on, honey, i know you don't want any-- you mortgaged the house when i-- honey, honey-- don't "honey" me! you deliberately went against my wishes. i am mad, maude. i am really mad! walter... what are you going to do? i'll tell you what i'm gonna do. i'll tell you what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna make a sandwich this big! that's right, walter. go ahead. go ahead! i mean, who cares if you've already had one heart attack. go ahead, solve your problem the way your good friend sam solved his. oh, he really came up with a great solution, didn't he. oh, sweetie, you forgot the mozzarella cheese. ah, ar-- i mean, since you're going to kill yourself anyway, it's a great artery clogger.

are at home, laughing hysterically over the way sam solved his problems. i don't want any lectures, maude! if i wanna kill myself, that's my business! but while you're killing yourself, walter, you're also killing me. now listen, maude. i'm a man, a man who has never taken anything from anybody and a man who's not going to start now. come one, you would've taken the money from arthur. that's different! he'll get by. i'm not going to risk losing the only security you have. walter, the only security i have is in me and in you. and beyond that, i--i think you're the most selfish person i ever met. selfish? me? yes, you, walter. you want the pleasure of sharing with me, but you won't let me have the pleasure of sharing with you. i mean, walter, we share our days and our nights. now what's more important, sharing the money or sharing the days and nights?

sharing the days and nights. what are you gonna do, maude, leave me? you seem determined to leave me, walter. okay, walter. that's your appetite, your attitude, here...here... let's not forget desert. oh, walter. walter, walter, please don't walk . and listen, maude! maude... do you see what you've turned us into, walter? laurel and hardy. except that you're not only the dumb one,

and the joke, walter, is our marriage. maude, our marriage isn't a joke. our marriage and you... mean more to me than anything-- pride, money, business... then, walter, listen, for the last time, will you please, please, for the last time, will you please take the ridiculous check? yes. oh, i love you. and i love you. oh, oh... oh, maude, mmm....

? donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? ? ain't you glad she showed up? ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? and so in a very real sense, god is our co-pilot.

for our lives. in his ten commandments he gives us... a seat belt to hold us back from temptation. he guides us through pockets of turbulence... and when we reach our final destination, he clears us for landing... on the runways of the beyond. in thanks to our lord, let us take ten seconds for silent prayer. let us pray-- i'm awake! ...amen.

ollection this morning as you know, we are dedicating our social hall this evening, and that new air-conditioning equipment and those fancy new kitchen appliances are going to put quite a strain on our budget. we will be grateful whether you give a hundred dollars or five dollars... or one dollar. ( coin clanking ) or a quarter. ha ha ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha ha! minister: and now a few announcements. the christian pet lovers guild will meet tuesday, and the topic of discussion will be saint bernard--

our ladies' aid society is sponsoring a bake sale next weekend, with proceeds going toward paying the debts on our new social hall. and now, let us turn to page 123 of your hymnal... hymn number 421. ( organ music playing ) ( loud yawn ) ( organ music stops ) ( organ music resumes ) all: ? praise god from whom all blessings flow ...? i don't want to make a big thing out of this, but i have never but i have never been so embarrassed been so embarrassed ---in my entire life. will you stop repeating everything i say? i'm not repeating, walter, i'm one step ahead of you. "that is not funny, maude." that is not funny-- maude, cut it out.

on who ever fell asleep in church. pillars of the community do it. presidents have done it. let's face it, i'm just not a church-goer. i prefer to stay at home and read the paper. newspapers are not printed to keep people out of church. come on, if god had meant everybody to go to church, why would he have made the sunday times

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wearing her new mink coat? oh, i didn't see her. i bet mrs. morgan had her hair tinted. i heard she was going to do it. i don't know. was ol' mr. dudley there with his new wife? hmm, i didn't notice. well, a fat lot of good it does you to go to church. you see, walter? that's what church is-- the national enquirer with candles. not to everybody, maude. a lot of people go to church for very good reasons. granted, walter, and what are your very good reasons? why at age 52 are you suddenly so interested in religion? because...uh... it makes me feel good.

you're reaching into your golden bag again, walter. i asked you a question. remember gary cooper as sergeant york? yup. are you making fun of me? nope. then you'll listen? yup. sergeant york, the biggest hero of the first world war, with a real heller. he drank, cursed, fought. and then one day, all of a sudden, in a moment of divine inspiration, he found religion and changed. and that, in a way, is how it happened to me. well, listen, sarge, if you're going out to capture 500 germans, would you bring me back a dozen knackwurst and a loaf of pumpernickel? you know what your problem is?

oh, come on, walter. i do not feel guilty. come on, maude. it's as plain as day. you feel guilty because you know you should be going, too. walter, i do not need an organized religion. i mean, i try to do what god expects of me, walter. i--i try to do unto others as i would have them do unto me. i--i obey the ten commandments. at least nine of them. what's that supposed to mean? maude-- can i help it if god invented dreams? and paul newman?! now, walter, come on. as long as i lead my life the way i think i should, as long as i try to be a decent human being, i see no reason to pray in a building. and honey, if i went to church just to please you, i would feel like a hypocrite. ( doorbell )

if that's you bert, come on in! hello, mr. and mrs. findlay. maude: hi there, bert. we better be moving, bert. i want to get there first, so i can get a seat in the back row. what? in case i want to sneak out early. oh. do you two go to the same church? oh, no. i'm church of england. but bert's church is right across the street, so we go together. yeah. what church do you go to, mum? bert, i--i don't belong to any organized religion. bert's the same way. he's catholic. you've no right to talk that way about the catholics. i've every right. i've been to rome. i have. somebody pinched me right in the middle of the via venito.

but everybody knows, the only reason that henry viii started the church of england was just so that he could get a legal divorce. now, that sounds like my kind of church. please, come on, bert. you're windier than my minister. maude, i'll never convince you that i'm right and you're wrong, so from now on, you can stay home. but i'm gonna go because i get a lot out of it. it's a deal. to the dedication of the new social hall tonight. it's important to me. or course, darling. vivian: hi, everybody. great galloping galoshes, walter, get ready. we tee off at 1:00. oh, i almost forgot. well, shake a leg, will you? if we're not on the first tee at 1:00, we'll lose our place. arthur, i don't know why you even play golf. yesterday all you did was complain about losing six new balls and--and, you had a windburn and blister and you got snowed-out on the 14th hole. i don't know why you bother.

to have any fun. ah, here. would you guys like some coffee? no thanks. i would. you drinking coffee to awaken the sleeping madonna, maude? ha ha ha ha! now, look, viv, don't you start. i just been through that with saint findlay of assisi. you know, speaking of church, i had some very angry words with reverend williamson this morning. would you believe it? he wants to use the new social hall agers. oh, arthur-- you didn't tell him you didn't want that? well, after all, it's our money that built the hall. i figured i had a right to put my two cents' worth in. arthur, don't be modest. you put in a quarter. the point is, vivian, if you open that social hall to juvenile delinquents, young punks, and pregnant girls, i guarantee, in three months, they'll wreck the coke machine. i'm gonna get a pot of fresh coffee. thanks, viv. you know, you should be very happy

i know he is, arthur, he keeps telling me. spiritual comfort and peace of mind, uplift... sure. those too. whaddya mean, "those too"? oh, well, i really have to hand it to walter. he really knew when to come into the church. it was like an act of providence. sure, he joins the church, and one week later, he gets the contract for the appliances and the air-conditioning in the new social hall. must be worth $5,000 to him, the lucky dog. walter is selling appliances and air conditioners to the church? you mean, he's making money out of this?! darn it! i let the cat outta the bag. don't be upset, maude. he probably wanted to surprise you. you know, husbands like to do that. i know. bless his ecclesiastical heart. walter: i'm ready, arthur!

we thank thee for the peace of mind you have given walter findlay since he joined your church. oh, walter, darling, come kneel with me. we thank thee for the spiritual comfort and the moral uplift you've given him. darling, please... kneel with me. we thank thee for making him a better person. but most of all, we thank thee for allowing walter to unload $5,000 worth of merchandise on the community church. maude, you are missing a very important point! i'm doing the church a favor. i'm giving them quality merchandise

honey, i didn't know that. oh, walter, that's wonderful. why didn't you-- oh, walter, i can see it all now. "jesus saves...

of course not. business is business. if you thought there was money in it, you'd be in hell right now, trying to sell the devil an air-conditioner. and it would probably be a larger unit than he needed. you know, maudie, you're really being too hard on walter. you just don't understand the reality of the businesses world. now, arthur, don't take walter's side. take his side, arthur, it'll serve him right.

s doing is perfectly commonplace. well, even i'll admit that i get a few extra patients because i belong to the church. sure, i'll bet you $10 if you can name me a single church that doesn't have a few doctors in the congregation trying to drum up a little business. christian science. maudie, you're not really gonna keep my $10, you try to be a nice guy and you end up feeding the whole family. come on, vivian. oh, that just shows how much you know about life. you can't feed a whole family on $10. i'll tell you this, maudie, that $10 is going to be added to your next flu shot. phhhft! okay, walter, once and for all, let's have this out.

partially for business reasons. but that doesn't make me a hypocrite. it so happens that i liked going to church. i like the words. i like the singing. i like the good feeling i have when i walk out. you said the same thing after we saw gidget goes hawaiian. okay, don't go. i'll go by myself! without my wife by my side. okay. good! good. but i want you to know that i'm not doing it for me. i'm doing it for the future! i want to leave the money to you, to carol, and phillip, and phillip's children, and his children's children. walter, if you want to leave something that matters, why don't you leave them a legacy of honesty and integrity and good faith?

women don't know anything about business! hey...mrs. naugatuck, aren't you back from church awfully early? i didn't go. bert and i had a tiff. that's the last time i'll let him talk me into going to his church. he tried to convert me. right in the church? no, right in his convertible. i should have been suspicious when he said he wanted to stop at a motel for a bible. maude, one last chance. won't you go with me? honey, if you're talking about the dedication, absolutely not.

never on sunday. hey, grandpa, grandma, guess what? they're gonna have ice-cream and cookies at the dedication tonight. here, catch. phillip, try to steal this from me. hey, that's very good. how come you're suddenly so interested in basketball? oh, i don't know. i guess i'm like you. how come you're suddenly so interested in church? go ahead, grandpa, tell him. tell him all 5,000 reasons. later, phillip. good. who wants to hear all 5,000 reasons? okay, maude. i want you to tell phillip something. you tell him why his grandmother is the only member of our family not going to that dedication. i'm going to tell him the truth, walter--

do what you want. destroy my grandson's image of me! but remember, it'll be your burden to bear. here he is...go ahead. tell him why you're not going! not going where? phillip, your grandmother is not going to the dedication. why not, grandma? look, now, try to understand. i'm not going because your grandfather... what, grandma? because your grandfather...

before anybody goes, i'd like to know one thing. what kind of a bird laid this egg? ( indistinct chatter ) me? not 1/5000th as glad as you are, walter. cut it out, maude. i want to introduce you to reverend williamson. reverend williamson, i'd like you to meet my wife, maude. oh, it's nice to have you here, mrs. findlay. oh, i was here this morning, and really enjoyed your sermon. thank you so much.

ladies and gentlemen? folks? may i have your attention, please? now, this is a very special day for our church, and we owe a lot of thanks to a lot of good people. but i'd like to single out one new church member who has taken the responsibility of supplying and installing $5,000 worth of air-conditioning and appliances, mr. walter findlay. ( crowd applauding ) come on up here, walter. come on up here, walter, where we can all see you. man: speech! speech! ( crowd applauding ) and have your lovely wife join us too, come on. now, then, if mrs. armstrong will be good enough to put a bulb in her brownie we will get a picture of me giving walter findlay a check for $5,000. thank you, reverend williamson.

do you really mean that? well...it-- you will never regret it. folks do you hear that? walter findlay has just donated $5,000 to the church! maude: ? for...? all: ? he's a jolly good fellow ? ? for he's a jolly good fellow ? ? for he's a jolly good fellow ? ? which nobody can deny...? ( crowd continues singing ) maude, my money. honey, you'll get your reward in heaven. what good is $5,000 in heaven? no good, walter. that's the hell of it.

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